Author Vivalavi Posted June 29, 2021 Author Posted June 29, 2021 On 6/24/2021 at 2:57 AM, Snakesalive said: @Vivalavi how are you doing? Still struggling. I wasn't able to let go. After he "ended it" due to his wife wanting another baby and him feeling bad, we reconnected at work. He said he misses things a lot and never wanted really stop. Then, after seeing each other several times at work, he told me he is facing personal battle because he still wants it, but he needs to stop. Next day, he kissed me anyway. However, everything gets me. I feel like I'm the one initiating and he is there for a ride. To feel wanted. To have his ego stroked. I feel like a complete fool. I asked him a few times to meet as we used to and all he kept saying is that he is busy. I finally got out of him that previously mentioned reason about facing his own battle. Can someone tell me how dignity feels like? As I mentioned in my other post, we almost got caught by a coworker while being alone together. His reaction was that our coworker would be jealous of us having fun. A jealousy was least of my concern. It wouldn't even cross my mind. But that's what he thought. My mood swings are terrible. I go through deep lows and some happy highs that are so short. He keeps texting/snapping every day. Some times takes hours to reply, some days replies often and all day. I should no longer be surprised by his cold and hot and yet, it still gets me. There are moments when I think I'm strong enough to let go just to feel stronger pull towards him. I don't want to see him special anymore. I just want to see him as my other two male coworkers. Handsome, but not attracted to them in any way. I finished reading Who moved my cheese as adviced by BaileyB. I need to keep reading it over and over again until it sinks in entirely. So far, I accomplished nothing towards a positive change.
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Posted June 29, 2021 5 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Can someone tell me how dignity feels like? My heart hurts for you…
NYAG Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 13 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Still struggling. I wasn't able to let go. After he "ended it" due to his wife wanting another baby and him feeling bad, we reconnected at work. He said he misses things a lot and never wanted really stop. Then, after seeing each other several times at work, he told me he is facing personal battle because he still wants it, but he needs to stop. Next day, he kissed me anyway. However, everything gets me. I feel like I'm the one initiating and he is there for a ride. To feel wanted. To have his ego stroked. I feel like a complete fool. I asked him a few times to meet as we used to and all he kept saying is that he is busy. I finally got out of him that previously mentioned reason about facing his own battle. Can someone tell me how dignity feels like? As I mentioned in my other post, we almost got caught by a coworker while being alone together. His reaction was that our coworker would be jealous of us having fun. A jealousy was least of my concern. It wouldn't even cross my mind. But that's what he thought. My mood swings are terrible. I go through deep lows and some happy highs that are so short. He keeps texting/snapping every day. Some times takes hours to reply, some days replies often and all day. I should no longer be surprised by his cold and hot and yet, it still gets me. There are moments when I think I'm strong enough to let go just to feel stronger pull towards him. I don't want to see him special anymore. I just want to see him as my other two male coworkers. Handsome, but not attracted to them in any way. I finished reading Who moved my cheese as adviced by BaileyB. I need to keep reading it over and over again until it sinks in entirely. So far, I accomplished nothing towards a positive change. Why does he assume jealously? Does he think all women fancy him?
NYAG Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 13 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Still struggling. I wasn't able to let go. After he "ended it" due to his wife wanting another baby and him feeling bad, we reconnected at work. He said he misses things a lot and never wanted really stop. Then, after seeing each other several times at work, he told me he is facing personal battle because he still wants it, but he needs to stop. Next day, he kissed me anyway. However, everything gets me. I feel like I'm the one initiating and he is there for a ride. To feel wanted. To have his ego stroked. I feel like a complete fool. I asked him a few times to meet as we used to and all he kept saying is that he is busy. I finally got out of him that previously mentioned reason about facing his own battle. Can someone tell me how dignity feels like? As I mentioned in my other post, we almost got caught by a coworker while being alone together. His reaction was that our coworker would be jealous of us having fun. A jealousy was least of my concern. It wouldn't even cross my mind. But that's what he thought. My mood swings are terrible. I go through deep lows and some happy highs that are so short. He keeps texting/snapping every day. Some times takes hours to reply, some days replies often and all day. I should no longer be surprised by his cold and hot and yet, it still gets me. There are moments when I think I'm strong enough to let go just to feel stronger pull towards him. I don't want to see him special anymore. I just want to see him as my other two male coworkers. Handsome, but not attracted to them in any way. I finished reading Who moved my cheese as adviced by BaileyB. I need to keep reading it over and over again until it sinks in entirely. So far, I accomplished nothing towards a positive change. I can spot here all the red flags of someone who is keeping you on the backburner until he decides what he wants to do. He wants to end it, but he's not quite sure so he's kept you bubbling on the stove just in case and whilst it suits him. He will eventually drop you and then suddenly you will be the one with NC and feeling awful, not him. He is absolutely taking you for a fool. Don't fall for the sob story. 1
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 4 hours ago, NYAG said: I can spot here all the red flags of someone who is keeping you on the backburner until he decides what he wants to do. He wants to end it, but he's not quite sure so he's kept you bubbling on the stove just in case and whilst it suits him. He will eventually drop you and then suddenly you will be the one with NC and feeling awful, not him. He is absolutely taking you for a fool. Don't fall for the sob story. Does he keep her on the back burner or does she continue to interject herself into his life such that he may as well keep her around. I see a man who has tried to end it but when she refused to go, he has basically agreed to continue. He is not initiating, but he also not saying no. So, they are in a bit of a holding pattern but mostly because she can’t let go, and he’s not going to turn her down… 2 1
NYAG Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Does he keep her on the back burner or does she continue to interject herself into his life such that he may as well keep her around. I see a man who has tried to end it but when she refused to go, he has basically agreed to continue. He is not initiating, but he also not saying no. So, they are in a bit of a holding pattern but mostly because she can’t let go, and he’s not going to turn her down… I guess they both have red flags. 1
Author Vivalavi Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 8 hours ago, NYAG said: Why does he assume jealously? Does he think all women fancy him? I was confused too. He explained to me that the other guy would be jealous if he knew about us doing things because deep down he wants to do them too with other women. He is married as well.
Author Vivalavi Posted June 30, 2021 Author Posted June 30, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: Does he keep her on the back burner or does she continue to interject herself into his life such that he may as well keep her around. I see a man who has tried to end it but when she refused to go, he has basically agreed to continue. He is not initiating, but he also not saying no. So, they are in a bit of a holding pattern but mostly because she can’t let go, and he’s not going to turn her down… Good point! I guess the only way to find out is to stop initiating. While the physical aspect of this is questionable, I know he wanted to stay in touch. I'm not "forcing" him to talk to me. 1
NYAG Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Vivalavi said: I was confused too. He explained to me that the other guy would be jealous if he knew about us doing things because deep down he wants to do them too with other women. He is married as well. Is that a conversation he has had with this other guy or does he assume all MMs are like him?
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2021 Posted June 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Vivalavi said: Good point! I guess the only way to find out is to stop initiating. While the physical aspect of this is questionable, I know he wanted to stay in touch. I'm not "forcing" him to talk to me. The better question is why when he tells you that he wants to end it do you not walk away… Why are you chasing a man who offers you nothing and tells you that he does not want to continue with your relationship? And please, don’t say that you want to be friends. That’s not the truth and it’s not possible - not when you want more and you continue to flirt with him to get your hit, to affirm that he is still at least in some way responsive. 1 1
Author Vivalavi Posted July 1, 2021 Author Posted July 1, 2021 On 6/30/2021 at 12:16 PM, BaileyB said: The better question is why when he tells you that he wants to end it do you not walk away… Why are you chasing a man who offers you nothing and tells you that he does not want to continue with your relationship? And please, don’t say that you want to be friends. That’s not the truth and it’s not possible - not when you want more and you continue to flirt with him to get your hit, to affirm that he is still at least in some way responsive. No. I'm not going to lie that friendship is possible. When I see him at work which luckily doesn't happen often, I can't see him just as a friend. But I wish I would. I didn't walk away yet because even those little crumbs I get keep me away from reality. It helps me to escape my own reality of dysfunctional marriage. Not the best way to cope with it, is it? As someone else mentioned in their comment - staying in touch with him gives me a hope which leads to more pain. Over and over again. We chatted a lot yesterday. This morning I found my message on open. He didn't text me til late that morning which is out of his texting pattern. Deep down I felt hurt. I wonder what's behind his inconsistency. I didn't reply for 2 hours which it's unusual for me. He texted right back, I texted right back...now it's been hours and he isn't replying. I told him before that I was wondering whether something in my previous text caused being left on open. He just said "haha no". My feelings are such a joke. I wish I didn't like him or have feelings for him anymore. Or ever!
Author Vivalavi Posted July 1, 2021 Author Posted July 1, 2021 On 6/30/2021 at 12:06 PM, NYAG said: Is that a conversation he has had with this other guy or does he assume all MMs are like him? No clue. They know each other pretty well and I'm pretty sure they talk about female workers. There is tons of them. But I think he also assumed because that's the way he thinks.
DKT3 Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 Does it ever occur to wayward spouses that they are the reason thier marriage is dysfunctional? I mean OP you are in another very dysfunctional relationship and it has nothing to do with your husband. Frankly speaking, most mm simply don't get as invested in affairs. I think you all know that, but being a wayward requires an element if denial or just flat out lying to yourself. 2
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2021 Posted July 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I didn't walk away yet because even those little crumbs I get keep me away from reality. It helps me to escape my own reality of dysfunctional marriage. Not the best way to cope with it, is it? That is certainly your decision. You can try to avoid dealing with one dysfunctional relationship by throwing yourself into another dysfunctional relationship… it’s not a healthy or long term solution but if this is what you chose for yourself, ain’t nobody going to be able to stop you.
NYAG Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 14 hours ago, Vivalavi said: No clue. They know each other pretty well and I'm pretty sure they talk about female workers. There is tons of them. But I think he also assumed because that's the way he thinks. Well that's unnerving. How do you know this other colleague doesn't know about you two and they aren't discussing you in that context?
NYAG Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 14 hours ago, DKT3 said: Does it ever occur to wayward spouses that they are the reason thier marriage is dysfunctional? I mean OP you are in another very dysfunctional relationship and it has nothing to do with your husband. Frankly speaking, most mm simply don't get as invested in affairs. I think you all know that, but being a wayward requires an element if denial or just flat out lying to yourself. If you're going to get into an affair the only way to do it is to not get invested at all. Treat it as a perfunctory thing if you can't either repair your other relationship or leave it but never get emotionally invested in the affair. It doesn't end well.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, NYAG said: Well that's unnerving. How do you know this other colleague doesn't know about you two and they aren't discussing you in that context? Possibly. The other thing to consider if they didn’t know - this story is now likely spreading throughout the office… the work day is long and boring, and people like gossip. Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Author Vivalavi Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 4 hours ago, NYAG said: Well that's unnerving. How do you know this other colleague doesn't know about you two and they aren't discussing you in that context? It is! But I don't think he would say anything to him about me. He is a guy that maintains Mr. Innocent profile. He is a good husband.
Author Vivalavi Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 4 hours ago, NYAG said: If you're going to get into an affair the only way to do it is to not get invested at all. Treat it as a perfunctory thing if you can't either repair your other relationship or leave it but never get emotionally invested in the affair. It doesn't end well. That's would make perfect sense, however, I would never let a man touch me based on being attracted to him only. I need emotional connection and that's the problem besides others.
Author Vivalavi Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 29 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Possibly. The other thing to consider if they didn’t know - this story is now likely spreading throughout the office… the work day is long and boring, and people like gossip. I'm afraid he is suspecting something now. When I asked MM if our coworker will say something to him, he said he will probably ask him because he was making faces when he entered the room and it was just 2 of us there alone. So far, I wasn't told anything so maybe be didn't bring it out. Yet.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I'm afraid he is suspecting something now. When I asked MM if our coworker will say something to him, he said he will probably ask him because he was making faces when he entered the room and it was just 2 of us there alone. So far, I wasn't told anything so maybe be didn't bring it out. Yet. He doesn’t have to ask your MM before asking the woman that sits next to him… and then, it is likely to take on a life of it’s own. Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB
Author Vivalavi Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 47 minutes ago, BaileyB said: He doesn’t have to ask your MM before asking the woman that sits next to him… and then, it is likely to take on a life of it’s own. That's so true... The only thing I hope for is that they are pretty close and I'm not sure if he would want to lose their friendship over that. Plus, he has no proof. Just speculation which still doesn't make the situation any better. I'm sure he will watch us though and I don't blame him.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 40 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: That's so true... The only thing I hope for is that they are pretty close and I'm not sure if he would want to lose their friendship over that. Plus, he has no proof. Just speculation which still doesn't make the situation any better. I'm sure he will watch us though and I don't blame him. Who says they would lose their friendship? You are being very naive here.
Author Vivalavi Posted July 2, 2021 Author Posted July 2, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: Who says they would lose their friendship? You are being very naive here. Naive about which part?
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Posted July 2, 2021 9 hours ago, NYAG said: If you're going to get into an affair the only way to do it is to not get invested at all. Treat it as a perfunctory thing if you can't either repair your other relationship or leave it but never get emotionally invested in the affair. It doesn't end well. I know but they all fall in love. 2
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