When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

[elaine567]

Since it took you three years and a steady stream of available men to find anyone remotely compatible on OLD, I think the chance of you tripping over a suitable guy IRL is almost nil.  
Single non attached guys of a certain age are not that common out and about.
Single older guy hobbies are not often interesting to women. I guess in hobby groups and meet up events one sweep of the room is probably enough to deduce it is full of women with the same idea or some pretty undesirable men.,.
There are a lot of women competing for "good" older men and many get snapped up real quick by single friends, colleagues and acquaintances and never even make it to the singles market.
I think wading through OLD again is likely your best bet, unless you have your eye on  a soon to be widower...

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Since it took you three years and a steady stream of available men to find anyone remotely compatible on OLD, I think the chance of you tripping over a suitable guy IRL is almost nil.  

Last time I wasted way too much time on the wrong men. I had a lot of attention online and dates came easy so I went out with everybody! I often accepted dates from men 10-15 years younger, now I know a relationship will not happen with a hot younger man. I will stick to men my age and stay away from 'hotness'. 

[d0nnivain]

Well don't give up on hotness altogether.  There has to be some physical attraction but I agree that shiny wrapping on an empty box is not the answer

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

To get back my 'mojo' last week I went to a stylist and had a trendy haircut. I had not cut my hair in a  year so it was in the midddle of my back, now it's shoulder lenght with an updated look. I also renewed my wardrobe, and this weekend with my daughters we will take several pictures. 

That's a great way to re-mojo-fy. Something as simple as a new hairstyle and clothes can make you feel spiffy.

 

Edited May 7, 2021 by Alpaca

[FMW]

It's fun to appreciate the hot young guys, whether or not you ever do anything about it.  I'm definitely not into younger guys, but in my experience fun and flirty exchanges are really good at making you feel vital and sexy.  That then carries forward to being more open to meeting men of an "appropriate" age.  

I agree with not specifically looking to date, but to just going out with friends and enjoying the activities that make you happy.  That will naturally attract others to you.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

a great way to re-mojo-fy. 

Excellent point. A good updated profile and pics on some quality dating apps is a good way to test drive this. Talk to and meet a few men for coffee. Not a big commitment so why not?

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Considering I have been approached in parks I'm not too worried about being made up or not but it's still important to look like i take pride in myself. I've watched so many Stacey London over the years lol

In all honesty, I think you would be great dating. At least give it a shot. I think you feel good about yourself, at least that’s what I’m reading out of your posts. And let’s be honest - we don’t really get over a break up completely, until we’ve met somebody else that captures our interest. Sure, we read a lot about rebounds and how we should avoid them etc. etc. But the truth is, our emotions and mindsets don’t follow a textbook. Distraction works for most of us. And it’s just fair. If you got cheated on and had to end an otherwise good R because of it, guess what - your significant other was distracted as well, which is why he was unfaithful in the first place. I feel really positive about you, @Gaeta - you sound like a great chick that has lots to offer.  I’m sure a nice date here and there would do you good. You’re not stupid. You can handle it. Bc I’m sure you’re not someone to invest too much too quickly if you are not 100% sure about it.

[Alpacalia]

Walking shelter dogs is great.

But I can see how it's especially difficult if you're still grieving the loss of your pet.

If you choose to walk shelter dogs one day and haven’t done it before one suggestion: raggy clothes

(some doggies like to use your leg as a fire hydrant)

[Interstellar]

22 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

If I forget how two of my three Exes were I would be in danger of getting some of the same in the next Ex.........

I’m talking about their face, only what their face looks like. It was really more a light hearted comment and not be taken too seriously.

Obviously can’t forget what exes look like or they get vaguer and vaguer in time but the feelings are no longer there.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Interstellar

[Uruktopi]

14 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

I’m talking about their face, only what their face looks like. It was really more a light hearted comment and not be taken too seriously.

Obviously can’t forget what exes look like or they get vaguer and vaguer in time but the feelings are no longer there.

I understand and I was also somehow joking about Exes.

About feelings, I don´t think and neither feel that "indiference is the opposite of love", just a cliche.

I keep feelings according to what happened out there. Good or bitter.

Of course and as you may infer, I do not believe that this is "giving space" or "power in my mind", another cliche.

Just my personal take about.

 

[dramafreezone]

@Gaeta I'm going to ask something unusual, why is fidelity important to you at this point in your life?  If you had an arrangement where you were with this previous guy but you never were aware of his daliances, could that work?

I'm just saying, you were clearly happier when you were with him and didn't know about this infidelity.  It clearly didn't affect his ability to be a positive influence on your life.  If he were neglectful, emotionally/physically abusive and were cheating then that's a different story. 

Sex for many men is not about emotional attachment, it's just an act.  He doesn't love all of those women.  Men are actually capable of having sex with women they despise.   He was actually spending time with you though, so that means a lot IMO.  When I was in high school I lived across the street from a man (I estimated him to be in his 60s) that was also dating two women (that I know of), one that lived across the street and another that lived next door.  Both knew about each other and accepted the arrangement apparently.

I fully expect to be told how ridiculous all of this is, but I think reconsidering what would work best for you is at least a worthwhile thought exercise.  Isn't it just about enjoying every day rather than clinging to some ideal that some *man* made up a long time ago that isn't serving you well?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

@Gaeta I'm going to ask something unusual, why is fidelity important to you at this point in your life?  If you had an arrangement where you were with this previous guy but you never were aware of his daliances, could that work?

Isn't it just about enjoying every day rather than clinging to some ideal that some *man* made up a long time ago that isn't serving you well?

And I will give you an unusual answer for a woman. I was ready to forgive him and I was ready to accept he would occasionally stray.

When the truth came out he begged me to not break up because he was still in love with me and he put it all on my very difficult menopause that had killed my libido. The following 2 weeks I called and left messages that I had calmed down, that I loved him and I wanted us to talk and figure out what happened to us. He never gotten back to me. So, in reality he is the one who broke the relationship. 

[dramafreezone]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And I will give you an unusual answer for a woman. I was ready to forgive him and I was ready to accept he would occasionally stray.

When the truth came out he begged me to not break up because he was still in love with me and he put it all on my very difficult menopause that had killed my libido. The following 2 weeks I called and left messages that I had calmed down, that I loved him and I wanted us to talk and figure out what happened to us. He never gotten back to me. So, in reality he is the one who broke the relationship. 

That's fair.  One possibility is that he feels badly that he hurt you, but knows he can't change (or doesn't want to change) and doesn't want to continue something with you if it'll hurt you again, even if you say you could handle it.

Edited May 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[prince0fgame]

19 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I tried the 'hobbies' in the past and I always ended up with a  bunch of women or couples. The places where men have approached me in the past were parks, coffee shops and metro station. Yes I agree 100% that a woman's love is generated by admiration for her man. I have a soft spot for a handymen so that's why I've been joking about prowling the Home Depots of my area. 

No risk of me going in a club or bar. Last time I went in a club I was 19 yo, I am now 55. Not my thing.

Thanks for your input, I also don't think I need to 'get over him'. I think the important part is to accept it's over and love can be found with someone else. 

I agree that the "hobbies" thing largely depends on luck. 

If I were to create a dating app, I'd revolve it around activities. I would probably create the most serendipity, lol. Hey....that might be a good business idea...

Edited May 8, 2021 by prince0fgame

[Pumpernickel]

10 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

That's fair.  One possibility is that he feels badly that he hurt you, but knows he can't change (or doesn't want to change) and doesn't want to continue something with you if it'll hurt you again, even if you say you could handle it.

Sometimes people also break up if they feel guilty, and they don’t have the energy to work through issues. It’s easier to start with a clean slate, with somebody new. Then they also don’t have to deal with the feeling of embarrassment. 

[Weezy1973]

I’m surprised by the amount of self worth for women that is reliant on attention from men. To me this seems unhealthy, but the posts from women on this thread make it seem normal. I’d suggest the moment you’re not reliant on men (or anything external really) for feeling good about yourself, is the best time to start looking for romance again.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Weezy1973

[jspice]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m surprised by the amount of self worth for women that is reliant on attention from men. To me this seems unhealthy, but the posts from women on this thread make it seem normal. I’d suggest the moment you’re not reliant on men (or anything external really) for feeling good about yourself, is the best time to start looking for romance again.

I think Gaeta is the last woman whose self worth is reliant on a man. I don’t interact with her much but I read her posts and she’s probably one of the least reliant on a man for anything intrinsic to her. 
 

What specifically that any woman has posted about in this thread has given you this impression? I’m genuinely asking without any sarcasm or “tone”.
 

All I see is people wanting a partner to share their lives with. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m surprised by the amount of self worth for women that is reliant on attention from men.

I don't see that in the responses.  I see it as a discussion of how people who want to share their lives with someone make that more likely to happen.  I don't think being interested in having a partner equals lack of self worth, otherwise that would mean the majority of people are lacking self worth.  Most people (men and women) like to have partners, or at least enjoy flirtations and time together.  

[Gaeta]

@jspicethank you l really appreciate!

@Weezy1973 it's not about self worth, it's about awakening the flirtacious woman in me and feeling single again. When you come out of a LTR you don't automatically feel single it needs to be prompt, at least for me because when i'm with someone l have a tunnel vision on that man and no other man exist.  I'm not going to mislead men for attention. I would never be able to do that. 

[prince0fgame]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@jspicethank you l really appreciate!

@Weezy1973 it's not about self worth, it's about awakening the flirtacious woman in me and feeling single again. When you come out of a LTR you don't automatically feel single it needs to be prompt, at least for me because when i'm with someone l have a tunnel vision on that man and no other man exist.  I'm not going to mislead men for attention. I would never be able to do that. 

Thank you. I have always experienced women as the true seducer. Women have so much charm and  guys are oblivious  

 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@jspicethank you l really appreciate!

@Weezy1973 it's not about self worth, it's about awakening the flirtacious woman in me and feeling single again. When you come out of a LTR you don't automatically feel single it needs to be prompt, at least for me because when i'm with someone l have a tunnel vision on that man and no other man exist.  I'm not going to mislead men for attention. I would never be able to do that. 

Gaeta, your post reminded me also that it's not just seeing ourselves as single again but also others. If a person has been in a long term relationship for awhile, family and friends know you (hypothetical you) as an item involving someone else. I think this has something to do with it also and shedding that old skin. 

Just a thought in how our self-awareness or self-perception is also a reflection of other relationships and people in our lives. It took me a long while to feel single. I agree with you that it isn't instant.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

Thank you. I have always experienced women as the true seducer. Women have so much charm and  guys are oblivious  

I come from a culture (French Canadian) where women grew to be the pursuers. We don't pursue like men do by calling and making dates but we initiate the romantic interest. A man from my culture would never approach a woman unless she smiled at him or said hello first. That being said I dated a lot outside my culture so I adjust. Like in business, you've got to know your customers. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Gaeta, your post reminded me also that it's not just seeing ourselves as single again but also others. If a person has been in a long term relationship for awhile, family and friends know you (hypothetical you) as an item involving someone else. I think this has something to do with it also and shedding that old skin. 

Just a thought in how our self-awareness or self-perception is also a reflection of other relationships and people in our lives. It took me a long while to feel single. I agree with you that it isn't instant.

So true! Like re-defining our identity to us and others. 

I felt like that for a while after our breakup, that I had lost my identity as in a ltr we see ourselves and others see us as a whole. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

felt like that for a while after our breakup, that I had lost my identity as in a ltr we see ourselves and others see us as a whole. 

I agree with this. Also it took me so long to stop saying “we” - and initially it felt strange. Now however I find it very liberating to say “I” did this or “my dog” haha. I loved being a “we” but I also feel great having my own identity back. Happy weekend all. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, jspice said:

 What specifically that any woman has posted about in this thread has given you this impression?

Her first post specifically said:

”I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man...Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back?”

 

And then a number of posts from women saying yes that might work. Including “the best way to get over a man is to get under a man.” 
 

Like what does any interaction with a man have to do with “mojo”? If you’re confident and have self worth, none of that will matter. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe women derive some of their value from their interactions with men.