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When do you know it's time to go back to dating?


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I've been thinking about it lately.

I was reading that on average we should calculate 2-3 months for each year of the relationship. In my case it means I should go back to dating at 15 months post-breakup. I find that enormous, considering I'm 55 and not new to important breakups.

  • Am I over him? No
  • Have I accepted it's over? Yes
  • Do I beleive I can fall in love again with someone else? Yes
  • Could I date someone without comparing him to my ex? Yes

My daughter has been wanting to introduce me to someone and I said no, now reconsidering, one of my brothers keeps telling me to not wallow anymore  it's been long enough (5.5 months). They want to see me happy again I get that. 

I've lost a lot of feathers in this breakup. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man 😞  Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back? 

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Alpacalia

I understand it is as a mixture of being over the individual and healing from and accepting past traumas or issues associated with the relationship's demise.

Can you listen to a sad song and not cry?
How would you feel if your ex got married?

Sometimes you can be over a person, but not yet see underneath the scars until they resurface down the road.

In any case, I wish you all the best with bringing Mojo back! 🪄

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Weezy1973
26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back? 

This suggests you’re not ready yet. You’re looking to date as a way to cope with your lowered feelings of self worth. And as always, chasing feelings rarely ends well.

You’re not far off though. I think once it’s crystallized what you’re looking for in your mind (long term? Casual? FWB?) that should give you a bit more grounding. 

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5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Can you listen to a sad song and not cry?
How would you feel if your ex got married?

I have stopped crying over him a long time ago. I can talk about him without any emotion coming up at the surface. 

About marrying: I have accepted he's moved on and he has someone else. I don't spend time wondering about it. He's a sex addict and a cheater, he will continue cheating and misleading women. He only cares about himself and his needs. He cheated on the mother of his children, he cheated on me, he will cheat on the next one. 

I got that part emotionally covered.

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15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

(long term? Casual? FWB?) 

At my age I'm looking for someone to settle down with, retire with, enjoy our older years together. I doubt I am ready to jump both feet in a full time relationship. But considering it took me 3,5 years of online dating before finding my ex, I doubt I will find a new man soon even if I start dating now.

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Pumpernickel
20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He's a sex addict and a cheater, he will continue cheating and misleading women. He only cares about himself and his needs. He cheated on the mother of his children, he cheated on me, he will cheat on the next one. 

Ha – like my ex. Including the sex addict part. (Unlike you, though, I am "worried" that he has found the one that he won't cheat on. Which would make me feel even worse. And I know it shouldn't, because I shouldn't care and be more indifferent about it.)

Anyway – sometimes I think that even if you're not 100% ready, gettig with somebody else for distraction & attention isn't the worst thing to do. If it makes you feel better, why not. Are you looking for something long-term? A life partner? Me, I don't think I'll ever be ready for that ever again. I am in my late 40s and had my fair share of LTRs, but I think I am too old to ever find that again. That ship has sailed, for many reasons. FWB or a part-time companion would be fine, definitely not marriage or a shared home. I am so over that. 

It's awesome that your daughter knows someone that might be a match for you. Wayyyy more organic than OLD. Would you even consider OLD
You sound ready and level-headed about the whole thing. I don't think it'll do any harm if you tried dating. I wish I were in a similar headspace.

Edited by Pumpernickel
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Thanks @Pumpernickel: There is no age to fall in love 🙂 You will get there eventually.

Definitely a life partner but not looking into moving in together until we spent a few years together and my foster-daughter is done with college. That's another 3-4 years.

 

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17 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Ha – like my ex. Including the sex addict part. (Unlike you, though, I am "worried" that he has found the one that he won't cheat on. Which would make me feel even worse. And I know it shouldn't, because I shouldn't care and be more indifferent about it.)

How long ago did you break up?

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Pumpernickel
3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long ago did you break up?

It's been 5 months, after being together for 5+ years.

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Same with me. We were 5 years together. Relationship ended last end of November.

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d0nnivain

Since you are not yet over him I don't think you are ready to date yet   

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I've lost a lot of feathers in this breakup. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man 😞  Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back? 

I do think attention will help you get your mojo back.  If things are opening up & it's safe to do so, I think you would benefit from some flirting & some attention.  Go to a bar or some place else & just flirt with zero intention to take it farther.   Get dressed up & go dancing with your BFFs.  Just do something that makes you feel pretty.  

Do not meet the men you family wants to set you up with.  Those people come with strings you are not ready for yet.   Go out & flirt & feel beautiful again.  get your mojo back before you try dating again.  

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poppyfields

Hi Gaeta, one never knows what the Universe has in store for us moving forward.  It make take years, or you could meet the "right" man tomorrow, when you least expect it. 

I think when people go "looking," the chances of finding the right person ("right" at that point in their lives) diminishes, it's contrived and feels forced.  

Which is why I dislike OLDing.  Probably won't do it again.  Much prefer meeting men (meeting people) the natural way, in group settings or part of a social circle where people can meet spontaneously and get to know and experience each other without the pressure of feeling like you must "click" or for the purpose of "clicking."  Which is how OLDing is.

I know for me, it's that pressure that will result in my not clicking with a man I might otherwise have clicked with if we met the natural way - spontaneously without that pressure.

My opinion re you not being 100% over your ex, Gaeta you might never be over him, not truly, and that's OKAY.   When we truly love someone, they will always hold a small place in our hearts, even though we know not being with them is the best thing.

So I would not let that deter you from going out, joining a club or group, something that interests you where you can meet new people and circulate on a regular basis.  Get to know men gradually and allow an attraction to develop, naturally.  

Also JMO, but try to let go of questions such as "are you seeking a long term relationship?" or "what are you dating goals?"  Etc etc.  Again, contrived, unnatural.  No one knows what they want to happen with a particular person upon meeting them and just starting to date.  

Detach from the outcome and allow yourself to simply enjoy the man, enjoy that moment with him, and allow it all to unfold naturally and organically.

I think these arbitrary questions some women ask on the first or second date (or even before meeting) kill the moment and often serve to deter the right man and right situation for them (you) from happening.  

Good luck!!  

 

Edited by poppyfields
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introverted1
2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've been thinking about it lately.

I was reading that on average we should calculate 2-3 months for each year of the relationship. In my case it means I should go back to dating at 15 months post-breakup. I find that enormous, considering I'm 55 and not new to important breakups.

  • Am I over him? No
  • Have I accepted it's over? Yes
  • Do I beleive I can fall in love again with someone else? Yes
  • Could I date someone without comparing him to my ex? Yes

My daughter has been wanting to introduce me to someone and I said no, now reconsidering, one of my brothers keeps telling me to not wallow anymore  it's been long enough (5.5 months). They want to see me happy again I get that. 

I've lost a lot of feathers in this breakup. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man 😞  Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back? 

Hi Gaeta,

Can you elaborate on what not being over your ex means for you?  To me, being able to say "yes" to the last 3 bullet points wold seem to imply that you are over him, but since you say you are not, it might be helpful to understand that better.

FWIW, I think 2-3 months for each year of r/s is not necessarily accurate.  I was married for 15 years, and I actually started dating about 5 months after I moved out.  The relationship had been dead for a long time prior; I was ready.  I don't think readiness can be measured with a formula. 

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@introverted1: Not being over him means I am still in love with him. I am able to say Yes to the last 3 bullets because I have accepted it's over. In my past I was also able to move out of a 15  year marriage without a tear, like you it had been over for a long time. In this case here the breakup came as a total surprise. I was happy & in love for 5  years and in a matter of a couple of hours it was all over. 

I think the 'in love' feeling would dissipate faster if I casually dated. Maybe I'm wrong. 

My previous breakup was in 2004, it was a 4 year relationship. I went on a trip down to hell for 4 years after that breakup. I swore I would never let a breakup do this to me again. 

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2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have stopped crying over him a long time ago. I can talk about him without any emotion coming up at the surface. 

About marrying: I have accepted he's moved on and he has someone else. I don't spend time wondering about it. He's a sex addict and a cheater, he will continue cheating and misleading women. He only cares about himself and his needs. He cheated on the mother of his children, he cheated on me, he will cheat on the next one. 

I got that part emotionally covered.

This drew me because of the potential jolt/shock of learning something like this in a partner. In your first post you mentioned it's affected you feeling attractive: I'm referring to this here "I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man". He basically replaced you for someone else in the worst way, without your knowledge. Your confidence took a battering and it takes time to rebuild. You are not anything or anyone less. 

If you're comparing yourself to friends or others close to you in ltr or marriages, don't. Not good. It happens but always come back to you and what you know you deserve.

 

 

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d0nnivain
2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think the 'in love' feeling would dissipate faster if I casually dated. Maybe I'm wrong. 

There is something to be said for the old adage:  the fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.  

If you want to date casually go for it.  Just be careful because you know that "date casually" reads as NSA sex / FWB to some guys.  If you are DTF have it --safely.  But if I remember correctly that ain't your style so find a happy medium that works for you but I still caution against the people that your family members are trying to fix you up with.  Those folks probably don't want casual & since your family members will have to deal with them again, I wouldn't go down those roads until you are emotionally ready to date seriously again.  

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At this moment I not interested in sex at all. It's that side of me that took the biggest hit. I don't know how to revive it other than experience physical attraction again. 

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poppyfields

IMO dating others (i.e. getting 'over' someone by getting 'under' someone else) would be like putting a band aid on the wound versus allowing it to heal properly, and/or would serve as a temporary distraction.

For me, after my long term RL ended with my previous ex in late 2015, what allowed me to fully heal was allowing myself to feel and experience all those painful emotions, at one point I even contemplated ending my own life.

At first, I did try to distract myself by dating another man (men), that was a disaster as were all my dating experiences within that first year after the breakup.  It wasn't fair to the men either.

Gaeta, if you feel you are still in love with him, then again jmo but I don't think you are ready to date just yet, give yourself more time.

What might work is developing friendships with men, like in a social circle situation per my previous post, with no pressure.  But OLDing for the purpose of connecting and beginning a dating relationship, again I don't think you're ready for that given you admit you are still "in love" with your ex.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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introverted1
16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@introverted1: Not being over him means I am still in love with him. I am able to say Yes to the last 3 bullets because I have accepted it's over. In my past I was also able to move out of a 15  year marriage without a tear, like you it had been over for a long time. In this case here the breakup came as a total surprise. I was happy & in love for 5  years and in a matter of a couple of hours it was all over. 

I think the 'in love' feeling would dissipate faster if I casually dated. Maybe I'm wrong. 

My previous breakup was in 2004, it was a 4 year relationship. I went on a trip down to hell for 4 years after that breakup. I swore I would never let a breakup do this to me again. 

Re the bolded:  go for it.  As long as you are not presenting that you are looking for an LTR, what is wrong with some casual dating?  It may,in fact,help you move on and rebuild your self-esteem.

p.s.  I know your story is very different from my marriage, I was just highlighting that I don't think there's a formula or one-size-fits-all approach to when to start dating.  My ex did a number on my self-esteem for reasons I won't hijack this thread with, and I found it very helpful to be flirting and dating.

p.p.s. I am going out on a limb, but I suspect you are in love with who you thought he was, not who he turned out to be. You are definitely the whole package and deserve someone who recognizes that.

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What are you in love about him? Have you sat down or thought about what are those things that you miss or think about on occasion? 

Fleeting thoughts or remember the good times is fine, imo. I certainly wouldn't pick up the phone or meet with an ex but I can reminisce without missing the actual person. Not sure if that helps. There's a difference there for me - no pain, twinges, longing, interest in the other person. Just occasionally a moment remembering something or other.

Edited by glows
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Happy Lemming

How is your health??  Have you finished going through menopause??

The only reason I ask is that my girlfriend went through "early menopause" and when I met her she was completely done with it.  She told she tried to date during that time and her emotions and hormones were all over the place.  Moreover, she had very little sex drive.

One she completed going through that process, she felt a lot better.  Her emotions and hormones were settled and her sex drive was back.  She felt better and felt better about herself.  She was HAPPY, again!!

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4 minutes ago, glows said:

What are you in love about him? Have you sat down or thought about what are those things that you miss or think about on occasion? 

Yes I spoke about that with the last therapist I spoke with a month ago, a therapist I was suppose to schedule a second meeting but didn't yet. She explained to me that the happiness I experienced in that relationship was 50% my input, and 50%  his input. That my ex isn't the only man holding the 50% matching my 50%. 

There were tons of things I loved about him. His personality was positive and upbeat,  always in a good mood, willing to participate to everything, he made everybody feel safe by being there and do what ever it took to fix things. He was smart, well traveled, interesting, he had an opinion on everything. When we were together he lived in the moment and even made a trip at costco feel like a big thrill. He rooted himself deep in my life and my family's life. To me it meant the world. 

It's in the past now. I will meet someone again that will enhance my life, bring in some sunshine, probably in a different way but it will be as fullfilling. 

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I would like to give you my thoughts about this but, considering events of my life (both historical and very recent ones) I doubt they would be unbiased.

So I will better refrain to do it and read instead what others have in mind.

The most I will say is that your post haves some worries somehow related the ones I was having very few months ago.

And that I had almost the same question in mind in other various earlier moments (and at different ages) during my life history.

The answer shouldn´t be trivial but it seems that I couldn´t learn enough of each time I´ve made the intent to answer it.

From the heart I wish you all happiness and the best of "answers" for you. 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

How is your health??  Have you finished going through menopause??

The only reason I ask is that my girlfriend went through "early menopause" and when I met her she was completely done with it.  She told she tried to date during that time and her emotions and hormones were all over the place.  Moreover, she had very little sex drive.

One she completed going through that process, she felt a lot better.  Her emotions and hormones were settled and her sex drive was back.  She felt better and felt better about herself.  She was HAPPY, again!!

I'm happy to hear that Happy Lemming.

Yes it feels like it's all behind me now. I've just completed now my full year with no periods so officially it's done. Hot flashes are finished I am back sleeping my entire nights, I don't feel exhausted all the time anymore. The past 2,5 years have been hell on that front. 

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Happy Lemming
2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes it feels like it's all behind me now. I've just completed now my full year with no periods so officially it's done. Hot flashes are finished I am back sleeping my entire nights, I don't feel exhausted all the time anymore. The past 2,5 years have been hell on that front. 

That is great news.  I'm glad the process is completed. 

Yes, my girlfriend mentioned horrible "hot flashes" during her menopause.  She still likes the temperature a little cooler than I do, but that is a minor inconvenience and not a problem at all.  Usually in the middle of the night, she'll kick the covers off if she gets too warm.

 

 

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