Author DatingMom Posted May 10, 2021 Author Posted May 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, Alpaca said: So to sum it up, at two months in, you would like to: (1) define the relationship (2) have more electronic contact in-between dates (3) faster response times (4) have more frequent dates (5) have him do more of the date preparation Yes!! Is this too much to ask? Too pushy?
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 9 minutes ago, DatingMom said: Yes!! Is this too much to ask? Too pushy? It's not too much to ask, however although he's great at lip service, he seems much too distracted and busy to sustain a satisfying relationship. You can talk but do want someone you have to remind that you exist? Perhaps you're noticing why his latest ex/dates/relationships haven't worked. 2
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 21 minutes ago, Alpaca said: So to sum it up, at two months in, you would like to: (1) define the relationship (2) have more electronic contact in-between dates (3) faster response times (4) have more frequent dates (5) have him do more of the date preparation When you have that much repair to do, you change model. 1 1
Author DatingMom Posted May 10, 2021 Author Posted May 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's not too much to ask, however although he's great at lip service, he seems much too distracted and busy to sustain a satisfying relationship. You can talk but do want someone you have to remind that you exist? Perhaps you're noticing why his latest ex/dates/relationships haven't worked. Yes, I agree. He did mention last Friday that he is not usually this busy. He also mentioned several times that he feels that his work is taking over his life and affecting his health, and that he is seriously considering just cashing out and retiring early. This is, of course, all talk. He is, however, planning on taking a 3-month sabbatical this summer, and starting in June, he will go down to working 3-days a week. I think part of his busyness now is setting up his company so that it can function without him for a few months. That being said, that doesn't excuse his lack of proactiveness and communications. I'm thinking perhaps just be open and honest with him, and say: this is what I want from a relationship. I know different people are looking for different things, but this is what I'm looking for. I would love to be in a committed relationship with you, but I feel that no matter how much we like each other, this is not going to work well if we're not on the same page about these things. What are you looking for? Do you think we can make this work? 1 1
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 49 minutes ago, DatingMom said: Yes!! Is this too much to ask? Too pushy? I was just putting what you wrote into perspective. It's helpful to get clear on what we want in order to which we feel emotionally satisfied. 1
divegrl Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 Hi...... This is my own personal opinion...... but i think you need to take several steps back. Breathe. Go to a yoga class. Your relationship sounds like it has a really great beginning.... going into these small details is not going to help it grow. Can you meet up with some girlfriends... so you are not so worried if he texts or communicates a certain way? Take the focus off of him for a bit. This is coming from a place a love. You two both sound really lovely... and I think taking a step back to look at the bigger picture might be helpful. 4
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 2 hours ago, DatingMom said: I would love to be in a committed relationship with you, but I feel that no matter how much we like each other, this is not going to work well if we're not on the same page about these things. What are you looking for? Do you think we can make this work? Save this for the breakup talk. He going to stop listening once you mention this. Just be straight ahead rather than keep telling him he needs to change, text/talk more etc. He doesn't want to. If he did, you wouldn't be composing this message in your head. 1
Author DatingMom Posted May 10, 2021 Author Posted May 10, 2021 2 hours ago, divegrl said: Hi...... This is my own personal opinion...... but i think you need to take several steps back. Breathe. Go to a yoga class. Your relationship sounds like it has a really great beginning.... going into these small details is not going to help it grow. Can you meet up with some girlfriends... so you are not so worried if he texts or communicates a certain way? Take the focus off of him for a bit. This is coming from a place a love. You two both sound really lovely... and I think taking a step back to look at the bigger picture might be helpful. Haha! Ok. So you think I'm overthinking this? I'm not anxious or worried about the texting. Just more annoyed I guess. I've done enough dating that I feel at this point that it's either meant to be or not. But I have made the mistake in the past to be too positive about things working out, and sticking around for months when really things were not going anywhere. And it's really much harder to accept things are not working out when you are already emotionally quiet invested. So I guess what I'm trying to do here is protecting my heart a little bit by being proactive and not reactive... if that makes sense? 1
introverted1 Posted May 11, 2021 Posted May 11, 2021 12 hours ago, DatingMom said: Haha! Ok. So you think I'm overthinking this? I'm not anxious or worried about the texting. Just more annoyed I guess. I've done enough dating that I feel at this point that it's either meant to be or not. But I have made the mistake in the past to be too positive about things working out, and sticking around for months when really things were not going anywhere. And it's really much harder to accept things are not working out when you are already emotionally quiet invested. So I guess what I'm trying to do here is protecting my heart a little bit by being proactive and not reactive... if that makes sense? Are you sure you are ready to be this guy's gf? Or are you putting up roadblocks in your mind because you want to see what epidemiologist guy has to offer? I understand your desire for him to respond promptly to texts about plans, but this seems like a simple/straightforward ask. It almost seems as though you are building a case for rejecting this guy. No case is needed - you are free to stop dating anyone who isn't a fit. But there seems to be a disconnect between what you say you want -- more time, more contact, more progression -- and your actions. IIRC, you told epidemiologist guy that you are not seeing anyone exclusively. I think you have some inner conflict you need to resolve. If you are not ready to commit to this guy, just tell him.
Author DatingMom Posted May 11, 2021 Author Posted May 11, 2021 10 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Are you sure you are ready to be this guy's gf? Or are you putting up roadblocks in your mind because you want to see what epidemiologist guy has to offer? I understand your desire for him to respond promptly to texts about plans, but this seems like a simple/straightforward ask. It almost seems as though you are building a case for rejecting this guy. No case is needed - you are free to stop dating anyone who isn't a fit. But there seems to be a disconnect between what you say you want -- more time, more contact, more progression -- and your actions. IIRC, you told epidemiologist guy that you are not seeing anyone exclusively. I think you have some inner conflict you need to resolve. If you are not ready to commit to this guy, just tell him. I'm not at all trying to put roadblocks. And to be honest, I wasn't really considering the epidemiologist seriously until my friend said I should. But actually haven't communicated with him the past days since it seems that lockdown will be till mid June now, and I told him I had to think about if I wanted to wait that long. But in all honesty, I would really like things to work out with this engineer guy. I like him a lot. I would be very happy to commit. I guess my reservations come more from experience: I have been burned a few times since my separation from my ex-husband by men who were all talk and no walk. I'm just trying to be more cautious and avoid one more heartache.
Author DatingMom Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 Just giving an update. Saw the guy last night, and we had a VERY long discussion. My gut feeling that something was slightly off was correct unfortunately. Without trying to make this too long, here is what he said. I approached the exclusivity idea, and he said that: a) he really really likes me b) he had just started dating when we met, and I was the third person he met and the first (and only) person he slept with since his separation c) he has no desire to sleep with anyone else, and not really any desire to actively search for someone else on dating apps However, given he is recently separated, he feels that he is not ready to fully jump into a serious relationship. He feels that his marriage has been pretty damaging, and he doesn't want to enter a new relationship without having sorted himself out first. He said that he feels he should invest the majority of his energy at the moment in healing himself, and make that a priority in his life. He feels he just doesn't have the mental energy to fully commit to someone, to have to continuously worry whether he is making me happy, to make compromises to accommodate me etc. And the idea of eventually moving in with someone again is something that he doesn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with right now. He added that although he thinks I'm amazing, he likes the idea of staying open to possibilities. He doesn't want to actively search for anyone else, but what if he meets someone randomly through work etc. Then he added that he realizes this is completely unfair to me and that obviously he won't stop me from seeing other people. So, I asked him more for details about this "seeing other people". I asked: "would you be comfortable with me sleeping with someone else?", "Would you be comfortable with me being active on dating apps, and actively looking for someone else?" He thought about it for almost 30 minutes. He said he needed to picture this in his head. Finally he said that, no, he would not be comfortable with that. That he thought things were going really well with us so far, and he just hadn't thought about the future yet because he's not quite there in his journey, but that he would like us to continue getting to know each other, discovering each other, but that if he knew I was seeing other people, that would put a barrier between us and he wouldn't feel comfortable being vulnerable with me anymore. We finally agreed to be sexually exclusive, to deleting our dating apps, to seeing each other more regularly (at least twice a week) so that we can get to know each other better, but to accept that we remain open to other possibilities without pursuing them, and not put an official label on our relationship for the time being. He says that ultimately he would like to find love again, and be in a long term relationship again, but he just doesn't feel quite ready for it at the moment. I'm glad we had that talk although of course I'm a little disappointed. I do understand where he is coming from: he has to process his failed marriage, and he is also dealing with all this hurt from his childhood right now as well. And having once been newly separated myself, I get that feeling of wanting something although you're not entirely ready for it. I therefore decided that I'm gonna let things be as he wants them for the moment. I really like the guy, and I appreciate his openness and honesty about how he feels. He needs some time and space so I'll let him have it. I'll even give him some slack with the in-between date texting. If we see each other 2-3 times per week, I feel ok not communicating regularly with him in between dates, and letting him focus on his work and daughter. I realize that I have perhaps put too much pressure on him, and I need to take a step back and give him some space. Let him come to me when he's ready. Interestingly, this morning when I left his house (I slept over at his place last night. Oh! And he cooked dinner! He wasn't lying: he's a really great cook!), I didn't text him anything afterwards. Before I would always immediately text him: "was great seeing you. I really enjoyed our time together." But trying to give him space, and knowing he had a busy morning, I didn't text. An hour later, he texts me saying: "I can't stop thinking about you. It was so nice having you sleep over". I replied to his text, then he calls me just to say that he misses me and to hear my voice (although we saw each other an hour before). Anyway, just curious to see what people think about this situation. Am I a fool for pursuing this given what he said?
Miss Spider Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I think it varies from people to people, but generally if you feel somethings off, it probably is a little bit. Swear to you, people have a built-in sense for this kind of stuff xD 1
Gaeta Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I think this conversation had him realize that he enjoys what you're having but he better not take it for granted. I think he will make some efforts to keep you around, not because he needs it as well. but to accept that we remain open to other possibilities without pursuing them what does that mean?? Sounds like you're trying to catch a fish alive with your hands. How long you're giving yourself? 1
Author DatingMom Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I think this conversation had him realize that he enjoys what you're having but he better not take it for granted. I think he will make some efforts to keep you around, not because he needs it as well. but to accept that we remain open to other possibilities without pursuing them what does that mean?? Sounds like you're trying to catch a fish alive with your hands. How long you're giving yourself? Yeah, I think he's not really sure what he means by that either. He was explaining that he could meet someone else without looking for it (like at work or in a coffee shop), and have a strong connection. I said that that can happen even if you're in a relationship. There is always that possibility. Things happen sometimes. I think he is just afraid of completely giving up his freedom given he hasn't had it for very long yet. I feel like I'm willing to give this two months. Two months in the sense that I'll give him space to think things through, to work on himself, for us to get to know each other better. But in two months, if he still feels the same, I might say that it's ok if he can't commit, we can continue seeing each other, but I will start seeing other people again. I made it very clear of what I'm looking for. I said I don't feel the need to move in with someone right away. In fact, I really enjoy my space, freedom and alone time. But I do, down the road, want someone who will commit to me. I'm ok taking things slow, but I won't wait forever. I feel that maybe what he needs right now is time to think about it. He sometimes comments on conversations we had like 6 weeks ago. I think he is just someone that needs a lot of time to process ideas and emotions. I think there's a 50-50 chance he'll come around once he a) gets addicted to me (haha!) b) starts realizing by talking to friends that it's not that easy to meet someone compatible, and he just got super lucky meeting someone so early in the dating process c) he takes the time to think about this conversation in the upcoming months, and process in his head and heart what it is that he wants.
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) I have had something very similar happen to me in the past. My decision was to end the relationship. I was very interested in finding a serious long term relationship and at the time, I didn’t think that I would be able to do that if I was spending all my time with someone else. I also didn’t want to fall into the “trap” or meeting his needs while my needs were not being met. Everyone is different, perhaps you can find a way to keep it casual and still be open to other opportunities. But as you said, should things go well with the epidemiologist next month and you want to pursue that opportunity - your agreement to keep things causal may be short lived. In my case, he actually came back to me about a year and a half later. He told me that he tried dating other women but he was always thinking about me. He says to this day, had we stayed together back then we would not be together now. He needed the time to get his life in order and deal with the pain of his divorce (they had been separated two years at that point and living separate lives for several years prior, but what he didn’t tell me was that the actual divorce was contentious and he was just signing the papers as we met). He also says he wishes we could have stayed “casual” during that time and he is a little dumbfounded as to why I ended it. I don’t actually regret my decision at all. It was the right decision for me. Edited May 13, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Sun Seeker Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) He had to think for 30 minutes whether he would be comfortable with you sleeping with someone else? LOL right... that should have been an instant 'NO'. Sounds like you are wasting your time 'waiting' for him as he's happy to keep things casual until someone better comes along. Like you are the rebound to get hlm get over the past, so he is ready for the next person he meets to have a proper relationship with. Edited May 13, 2021 by Punterxx 2
Alpacalia Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 He referred to you as his girlfriend and then this. How confusing. 1
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 21 minutes ago, Alpaca said: He referred to you as his girlfriend and then this. How confusing. It speaks to the fact that he likes you but he’s got some things to deal with before he is ready for a serious relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 2 hours ago, DatingMom said: he is recently separated, he feels that he is not ready to fully jump into a serious relationship. He feels that his marriage has been pretty damaging, and he doesn't want to enter a new relationship without having sorted himself out first. Good you spoke. This is unfortunately a huge red flag in terms of headaches and heartaches. The longer you stay and get involved the more you'll get hurt. He's not even on the rebound yet, he's still licking his wounds and still married. Step back an d start dating others. 1
Alpacalia Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: It speaks to the fact that he likes you but he’s got some things to deal with before he is ready for a serious relationship. He likes her, yes. I liked the granola bar I just ate, too. 1
Author DatingMom Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Punterxx said: He had to think for 30 minutes whether he would be comfortable with you sleeping with someone else? LOL right... that should have been an instant 'NO'. Sounds like you are wasting your time 'waiting' for him as he's happy to keep things casual until someone better comes along. Like you are the rebound to get hlm get over the past, so he is ready for the next person he meets to have a proper relationship with. No, he said right away that he didn't want me to sleep with anyone else. He did say that he was ok me going on dates with other people, but then when he thought about it, he realized that he would not be ok with that, and that he only said that because he thought it was the right thing to say under the circumstances. 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: I have had something very similar happen to me in the past. My decision was to end the relationship. I was very interested in finding a serious long term relationship and at the time, I didn’t think that I would be able to do that if I was spending all my time with someone else. I also didn’t want to fall into the “trap” or meeting his needs while my needs were not being met. Everyone is different, perhaps you can find a way to keep it casual and still be open to other opportunities. But as you said, should things go well with the epidemiologist next month and you want to pursue that opportunity - your agreement to keep things causal may be short lived. In my case, he actually came back to me about a year and a half later. He told me that he tried dating other women but he was always thinking about me. He says to this day, had we stayed together back then we would not be together now. He needed the time to get his life in order and deal with the pain of his divorce (they had been separated two years at that point and living separate lives for several years prior, but what he didn’t tell me was that the actual divorce was contentious and he was just signing the papers as we met). He also says he wishes we could have stayed “casual” during that time and he is a little dumbfounded as to why I ended it. I don’t actually regret my decision at all. It was the right decision for me. I hear what you say. I've dealt with men like that myself in the past, and every time I ended it the minute I realized that they were not ready to get emotionally involved. I have learn to walk away. It hurst, but I know how to do it. With this guy, three reasons I'm not walking away right now (I might change my mind in two months though): 1) The way he looks at me... how can I explain. I know that look. That's the look of a man who is falling in love. And he says he thinks about me all the time. He's making more effort: like the cooking, or wearing something that I told him I like men wearing. 2) Things are not really casual to be honest. We have a very deep connection, and he wants to have a deep connection. 3) He wants to see me more He said that he's afraid of falling in love again because he's afraid of being hurt again. And I think that's exactly it here: fear. Then men I dated before that I walked away from where inconsistent. It wasn't their words that were confusing, it was their actions. And I ended up bringing things up because I was confused by how they behaved. They would want to see me and get to know me, and then pull away the following week. They would talk about their lives and themselves, but never actually reveal truly how they felt. They wouldn't let themselves be vulnerable with me. He's the opposite. To be honest, for me at this stage, yes I would definitely like a long term relationship. But I am not looking for marriage or someone to have a family with. I'm not even really looking for someone to move in with anytime soon. I am mostly looking for love and connection. I just somehow have this gut feeling that he might come around if given some time. Maybe I'm wrong. But I am a little exhausted from dating, and I wouldn't mind a break, see where this goes and take it from there. I wouldn't want to try too long of course, because then I might fall in love and get hurt. I guess it's knowing when it's time to have a conversation again. 1
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 2 minutes ago, DatingMom said: I just somehow have this gut feeling that he might come around if given some time. Maybe I’m wrong. I hear you. I had the same feeling. I knew he was really interested, but I was really serious about finding a relationship. I wasn’t looking to be married, or have children, or to move in together with anyone soon. I just felt that I would be frustrated and disappointed, and I didn’t want to make it easy for him to get what he wanted while I was frustrated and disappointed. Part of this is personality, I don’t do well with uncertainty or “casual” relationships. Interestingly - I didn’t date in the time that we were not together. My life moved on in interesting and wonderful ways - I went to Europe for a month and I built a home! And, one month after I moved into that home he sent me an email... It had actually just dawned on me that I hadn’t dated in months... I was just starting to think about finding a way to meet some new people. It’s funny how things work sometimes... I think I also “knew” he would be back. He says he just “knew” that I was the one - from the very first day we met. I do believe that, as strange as it sounds... If this works for you, you have nothing to lose by giving it a few more months - except perhaps, you could become more invested and it will hurt more when/if it ends. A few months is not too much time to waste... a few years - that’s different. I just wanted to share my story as exactly that - a similar story and this is how it worked out for us. Good luck! 1
Author DatingMom Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If this works for you, you have nothing to lose by giving it a few more months - except perhaps, you could become more invested and it will hurt more when/if it ends. A few months is not too much time to waste... a few years - that’s different. I just wanted to share my story as exactly that - a similar story and this is how it worked out for us. Good luck! Yes, I agree on the becoming more invested. To be honest, right now what he is saying is that he wants to stay open to the possibility of meeting someone else, but he's not looking online (he dated his dating apps this morning in front of me to make a point he was doing it), and it's lockdown here, so who is he going to meet in person? I doubt he'll meet anyone in the next two months, at which point I plan to revisit this conversation. And if it does happen that he meets someone else in the next few months, I feel we'll cross that bridge when we get there. But again, I doubt that'll happen. I think for him it's more the idea of "freedom" that the actual freedom. Also, his ex-wife was very controlling, telling him what to do and not do. So, I think in his head that's how he imagines a relationship. I told him this is not me at all in a relationship, but I think he doesn't fully realize that yet.
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, DatingMom said: Also, his ex-wife was very controlling, telling him what to do and not do. So, I think in his head that's how he imagines a relationship. I told him this is not me at all in a relationship, but I think he doesn't fully realize that yet. I would say that it took a LONG time for my partner to trust me. His wife has mental health issues and he would make the strangest comments to me when we started dating. I would do something normal and respectful and he would say, “Really, that doesn’t bother you?” like he was just so amazed...One day he was telling me a story about his female coworker and I asked a simple question about her. He said to me, “You are not jealous of her?” Umm... No. The saddest moment for me was the day that I went shopping with him for something he needed in his home. He said, “See, this is what relationships are supposed to be like - you do nice things for me, I do nice things for you. I can’t wait to show my son a healthy relationship because that’s something he’s never really seen before.” Edited May 13, 2021 by BaileyB
Author DatingMom Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I would say that it took a LONG time for my partner to trust me. His wife has mental health issues and he would make the strangest comments to me when we started dating. I would do something normal and respectful and he would say, “Really, that doesn’t bother you?” like he was just so amazed...One day he was telling me a story about his female coworker and I asked a simple question about her. He said to me, “You are not jealous of her?” Umm... No. This is hilarious! My guy is exactly like that too! He would tell me a story, and just watch me from the corner of his eyes expecting me to jump off the sofa in outrage. And then he would go "and you're ok with this?". Like even stupid stuff. I feel bad for him. And he totally brought up the jealousy thing yesterday too. I was having a bit of a hard time following what he was trying to tell me about keeping options open. At some point he said: "I would want to maybe go for a coffee with a female coworker. " I was confused and asked "that you want to f***?" He was like "no. just coffee". I was like: "I don't think I understand" and he said "wouldn't you be jealous of that if we were in a relationship?". I have so many male friends. I was completely baffled! So, I feel maybe we might actually be more on the same page than he thinks. He just doesn't quite realize it. Maybe I'm wrong.
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