What is normal communication between dates in early stages of dating?

[DatingMom]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Meh..  I wouldn't put too much stock into this. Everyone knows that the 2 best ways to flatter a woman are to ask if she's lost weight or to imply her age is younger than she is.  Not saying you don't look good for your age, but 7 years is not a huge gap and as long as you are compatible in terms of life stage, activity levels, etc., is this really a deal-breaker?  If it is, best to tell him up front; he can't get any younger!

 

 

Haha! Ok! I see your point! Hmm.. 50 is definitely on the high end of my age range. I prefer to date people closer to my age (both ways. I'm not into men that are much younger), but it's not a deal breaker, just a little less attractive that's all. 

[DatingMom]

So, an update since Friday. Lots of things to consider and think about, and I feel I have also not progressed on my frustration from last week about his poor communication skills in between dates.

A few things. I apologize in advance. This is really long. And I want to thank in advance everyone who will take the time to read this and give me advice. It's really appreciated!

So we had a date on Friday night. He warned me in advance he had to be home a little bit because he had to transfer some files, so I suggested take-out at his place. He proposed to meet at 6:30 at the take-out place (right next to his house) and we brought the food back to his place. When we got in, he said he needs to run upstairs for 30 minutes to do this transfer thing he was telling me about, do I want him to put on a movie for me? I was like: "what? but we just got food and it's gonna get cold!". He said: "we'll heat it up. I'm really sorry I have to do this now, it shouldn't take too long."  An hour later, I was really angry. He came down once saying "this is taking way longer than I thought it would, I'm so sorry". After an hour, I went upstairs to his office, told me "I'm going for a 15 minute walk. When I get back, if you're not done, I'll eat my food and leave". When I got back, he was done, so we heated up the food and ate. I told him that I was really not ok with this behaviour. If he knew this was going to take time, he should have warned me about it, and suggested meeting later in the evening instead of making me wait like that. He apologized and said that: yes I was right, and that he really thought it would be super quick. He asked me if I wanted to see what he was doing, so I said ok. He showed me on his computer something that he explained as being a Bitcoin transfer. The amount was 2 million dollars!! He then explained that he was actually worth a small fortune between his Bitcoin investment (he apparently has this Bitcoin company with a partner that has a 10 million $ value at the moment) and his company that he could easily sell for 3 M$ +. He said that he hadn't really mentioned it before because he feels a lot of women want to date him for his money, and that in fact one of the things that attracted him to me was that the only questions I asked about his career is details of the products he sells, and how it works, and how it's made. Never if he's successful or makes a lot of money (I don't care about those things), which he said seemed to be on the mind of all the other women he dated. 

After that, we went on a walk and did the 36 questions to get to know your partner. Neither one of us had ever done it before. It was kind of surprising since we both agreed that we had already covered the majority of the questions in our previous conversations, and to be honest nothing was very surprising. One question, however, was (or rather the answer surprised me). The question was: "Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”. His answer was "my life" as he looked me straight in the eyes. It almost made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. 

We stayed up pretty late (with some sex of course, but mostly lots and lots of talking. And he kept telling me how he loved this about me, and that about me. On and on).

We had established I would not sleep over because he was going on a 9-hour road trip with his daughter the next day to pick up a cat in a town quite far away. He therefore needed to get up early, and I would have had to leave early morning as well before the daughter was dropped off, which I said I didn't want to do. We still ended up talking till 2 am as he didn't want me to leave, and to be honest, I didn't want to leave either. Just as I was getting ready to make a move, he apologized again about making me wait earlier. He said that he actually really liked that I told him straight out that I wasn't going to put up with his s***. He said "I like a strong woman that will not be pushed around". Then he went on to tell me about his conversation with his business partner after I left for the walk. He said that he told his partner: "my girlfriend is really unhappy about how long this is taking. This needs to be done in 15 minutes". In my head I was like "wait, what? Did he just call me girlfriend to my face??". But it was 2 in the morning, and I knew he had to get up at 8, and I really needed to leave and let him get some sleep because he had a really long drive in the morning. 

The next day, he texted me early morning before taking off: "Hope you had a good sleep. Thanks for coming over", and we had a few short text exchanges throughout the day. Then he sent me a long update of his trip when he got back. I was on the phone with a friend so replied pretty late (he was probably already in bed). He never answered. So today, before heading out to my mother's place for Mother's Day lunch with the kids, I texted something like: "was just thinking of you. I miss you. Have a nice day". He answered right away to that wishing me Happy Mother's Day and saying he misses me too". But then when I texted him later in the day with a fun selfie of me and the kids with a comment "Mother's Day Selfie with kids", no reply. 

So, here are my random thoughts about all of this. But I'm sure there are things here that I'm not seeing that someone might notice.

1) I've been thinking about this all weekend, and I will say that I really like this guy. I have met quite a few people since my separation, had one longer relationship, and a few shorter ones, and this is by far the person that I have felt the most connected with. When I'm with him, I feel really comfortable, and I feel I can be completely myself. I feel that he really likes me, and things just feel really natural and unforced. He seems to really want to get to know me, like know everything about me, and I have told him more things about myself than anyone else at this stage of dating. I would really like this to develop into something more serious. 

2) The "girlfriend" comment still leaves me a bit puzzled, and I feel I should probably bring this up. Not sure how to phrase it though. I'm thinking in person would be better.

3) The inconsistent communication between dates is really bothering me. I totally understand that texting isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I would like him to make a little bit more effort. 

4) And on the front of effort, I feel that I am putting in more effort than him. I have planned most of our dates so far. Granted that I am a crazy planner by nature, and I like to make plans early in the week so that I know what my week will look like, and what days I am free for other things. But it would be nice if he showed more initiative.

5) So overall, his behaviour leaves me with contradicting emotions: on the one hand, he makes me feel so amazing and I feel things are going really well. But then, some other behaviours of his make me feel really insecure and fill my head with doubt. 

Thank you for listening! I really needed to get this off my chest! 

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like much has happened!

Well, you've expressed to us your frustration with his lack of contact, as well as some other concerns.

Consider frustration at this juncture a sign that something isn't working, and use it to encourage you to make some adjustments. If you ignore your ongoing dissatisfaction, you can lose faith in yourself and the connection.

Whatever your relationship objectives are, don't you think it's important that you both agree on them now that he's referring to you as his "girlfriend?"

 

[introverted1]

It all sounds pretty positive to me. 

1) This is good!

2) This seems to be your biggest issue but it's not clear why. What is bothering you about this?  Is it the implied exclusivity?  The implied closeness?  Being a gf doesn't commit you to marriage so I'm curious what bothers you about this label?

3) I am not seeing inconsistent texting in your latest update:  he reached out proactively after your date and responded enthusiastically to your MD text, but didn't respond to a selfie from you later than day.  He may not have had anything new to say or possibly he saw the text while he was busy doing something else and then forgot to respond.

4) Is dating an option where you are: are things open such that he could suggest a movie or a restaurant or the theater or whatever?  Have you directly asked him to plan more dates?

5) Is it the lack of texting that creates insecurity? My read of him is that he is someone who gets hyper-focused on whatever he is doing.  So during the workday, when he's focused on his business, he's not thinking about anything other than his work.  I don't think is any reflection of his feelings for you, but more about how he approaches work.  This is likely his nature, but it's also compounded by the fact that he's a business owner, not just an employee.  Can you elaborate more on what is creating insecurity?

 

[BaileyB]

A discussion to clarify exclusivity seems long overdue. It sounds like he is already there if he’s calling you his girlfriend - but don’t assume anything. When you are ready, you want to set the expectation that there is nobody else. 

As per your concern about the lack of response to your texts - tell him what you expect. He likes strong women... let him know that you think it’s rude when you send a text and he doesn’t reply. Just let him know that you won’t bother him all the time, but when you do text you expect a reply. 

[DatingMom]

@BaileyB I actually texted him last evening (after he sent me a very short reply at 11pm about my family selfie) saying: "By the way, do you find my texting habits too much? I really like keeping in touch between dates to keep the connection going. But I realize texting might not be your thing. If you prefer, we can do a phone check-in here and there if you're more comfortable with that. I wouldn't mind hearing your voice!". Of course, as per usual, no reply. He'll probably text something back this evening. I don't know. 

@introverted1

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

2) This seems to be your biggest issue but it's not clear why. What is bothering you about this?  Is it the implied exclusivity?  The implied closeness?  Being a gf doesn't commit you to marriage so I'm curious what bothers you about this label?

I think what is bothering me about this is that we didn't talk about it. It's the confusion. If he wants me to be his girlfriend, he can just tell me so. But to call me that to other people without us discussing it... how can I say? It's confusing. There is not other word for it! It's like BaileyB said "don't assume anything". Maybe he just said that because it was more convenient than explaining: "the girl that I've been dating for two months and sleeping with". I would just like him to say/ask if that's where he wants things to stand between us. I'm not a mind reader!

 

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

3) I am not seeing inconsistent texting in your latest update:  he reached out proactively after your date and responded enthusiastically to your MD text, but didn't respond to a selfie from you later than day.  He may not have had anything new to say or possibly he saw the text while he was busy doing something else and then forgot to respond.

4) Is dating an option where you are: are things open such that he could suggest a movie or a restaurant or the theater or whatever?  Have you directly asked him to plan more dates?

5) Is it the lack of texting that creates insecurity? My read of him is that he is someone who gets hyper-focused on whatever he is doing.  So during the workday, when he's focused on his business, he's not thinking about anything other than his work.  I don't think is any reflection of his feelings for you, but more about how he approaches work.  This is likely his nature, but it's also compounded by the fact that he's a business owner, not just an employee.  Can you elaborate more on what is creating insecurity?

 

3) So the texting: he does text, and I get it that texting might not be his thing. And I also get it that he is super busy and works a million hours, so texting all day is not an option. But if I text him to confirm date plans, and I have to retext him the next morning because he didn't reply, I find this rude. I just find that if you care about someone, you wouldn't want to keep them waiting on an answer to something. I get that perhaps sending an answer to a selfie isn't a priority, but if the person sends you a text to confirm plans or discuss something, it requires an answer sooner than 24 hours later. 

4) Nope, not an option. We are in lockdown. There is nothing open. When we first started dating, things were still open, and our first two dates were in restaurants. But since then, everything is closed, so our dates have been hanging out at each other's houses and talking, watching movies, going for walks. Not much to do or plan. This will probably go on until mid June. 

I have not asked him to plan more dates. In the beginning, I was letting him do the planning, which resulted in us not seeing each other for two weeks at some point. When we finally saw each other again, it was after he canceled a Friday date because of something (after we had already not seen each other the previous week) and proposed the following Wednesday. At that date, I did subtly bring up the 5 love languages, and how my number one is Quality Time, and that I dumped people in the past because they didn't seem to have time to date. He laughed and said: "you mean like my schedule?" He did seem to have taken the hint in the sense that he hasn't canceled anything since, but I also took over date planning. 

5) Yes, I agree with that you say. I think he's someone that is very "in the moment" and super focused. Which is probably how he managed to do so well for himself. So, I get that: everyone is different.

In practice though, his behaviour doesn't make me feel very prioritized. His lack of planning dates, his failure to reply to my texts gives me the message that he only takes time for me when all his other priorities are fulfilled. I feel that if things were left up to him, we would see each other twice a month, and he would be happy with that. For me, I would actually like starting to see each other more, like two times per week when possible, but I would like him to like that too. I want some romance in a developing relationship, and not feel that I am coercing someone to spend time with me, or text me back or speak on the phone. I've never dated someone that, in the beginning, wasn't trying to find excuses to spend more time with me, to call me in the evening with some stupid question just to find an excuse to talk, etc. I am feeling very underwhelmed by his behaviour, and I guess makes me wonder if going forward, if we were actually to officially date, if spending time with me will always be a second choice. Right now his behaviour makes me feel like planning dates with me is almost a chore for him. When we are together, he doesn't make me feel like that at all of course (which is why I'm still here!), but the build up to the date is frustrating and doesn't make me feel good about myself. By not initiating, he makes me feel pushy and needy, which is not who I am in a relationship where the effort is equal. 

 

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by DatingMom

[introverted1]

8 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I think what is bothering me about this is that we didn't talk about it. It's the confusion. If he wants me to be his girlfriend, he can just tell me so. But to call me that to other people without us discussing it... how can I say? It's confusing. There is not other word for it! It's like BaileyB said "don't assume anything". Maybe he just said that because it was more convenient than explaining: "the girl that I've been dating for two months and sleeping with". I would just like him to say/ask if that's where he wants things to stand between us. I'm not a mind reader!

Ok.  I think this is a style difference.  I would have heard this as confirmation that we are exclusive and neither of us is seeing/sleeping with anyone else.  I get that you are someone who wants a specific conversation about labels, but I don't think that necessarily makes his way of doing things wrong, just different.  You should ask him about it if it's creating uneasiness.

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So the texting: he does text, and I get it that texting might not be his thing. And I also get it that he is super busy and works a million hours, so texting all day is not an option. But if I text him to confirm date plans, and I have to retext him the next morning because he didn't reply, I find this rude. I just find that if you care about someone, you wouldn't want to keep them waiting on an answer to something. I get that perhaps sending an answer to a selfie isn't a priority, but if the person sends you a text to confirm plans or discuss something, it requires an answer sooner than 24 hours later.

Ok, this is very different than the example you gave above, which was him not replying to a selfie. Have you been clear with him on this:  When I text you about plans, I would like a definitive response the same day.  See what he says.

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4) Nope, not an option. We are in lockdown. There is nothing open. When we first started dating, things were still open, and our first two dates were in restaurants. But since then, everything is closed, so our dates have been hanging out at each other's houses and talking, watching movies, going for walks. Not much to do or plan. This will probably go on until mid June. 

So one thing I've done in the past is to keep (with my partner) a running list of things we want to do.  And then, when it's the weekend, it's easy to pick one of those things.  Maybe you two can do something similar and start a wish list of activities and places to go once restrictions are lifted.

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I dumped people in the past because they didn't seem to have time to date. He laughed and said: "you mean like my schedule?" He did seem to have taken the hint in the sense that he hasn't canceled anything since, but I also took over date planning.

In practice though, his behaviour doesn't make me feel very prioritized. His lack of planning dates, his failure to reply to my texts gives me the message that he only takes time for me when all his other priorities are fulfilled.

It seems you were successful the night of the take-out dinner when you explicitly said you were giving him 15 more minutes and then leaving. Have you been equally explicit about his lack of planning?  I do think it's about who he is and not about how he feels about you but, to the extent it's making you unhappy or insecure, you should tell him what you want/need:  It makes me feel like an after-thought when you ignore texts and don't proactively plan for us to spend time together.  I need to see that you have an oar in the water, too, before I am comfortable to be your girlfriend.

I think he's the type of guy to respond well to direct communication.  If you've been hinting at what you need, he is likely not hearing you.  Just tell him, assuming you are interested in making a go of a relationship with him.

[BaileyB]

Here’s the thing with relationships - they need to progress. 

You have been dating for a few months now, rather casual. It sounds to me, despite the fact that you have been talking with other men, that you get on well with this man and you would like to see if this has potential to be more. Which means, it’s time for the relationship to begin to progress.

What did this look like for us - the day that he told me he really liked me, the communication increased. We were texting everyday. We saw each other during the week, not just on weekends. I could tell by his words and actions that he was interested and this relationship was moving forward...

Your guy is sending you mixed messages - which is what has you all confused. You are not sure if you are dating others. He called you his girlfriend. You are having sex. But, he doesn’t reply to your texts (even the text that told him that you wanted more communication - which is probably a good discussion to have in person when you clarify expectations and exclusivity). And, he doesn’t put the effort into planning dates. Mixed messages. 

Which is why it’s time to have a serious discussion. He may think things are great and he may want to keep costing... but you sound like you need the relationship to progress in certain ways.  He doesn’t have to commit to a serious long term relationship with you - it’s just time to discuss goals (what do you want and how do you want to go about this), expectations (re: frequency of dates, texting, etc), and exclusivity. That way, you are both on the same page. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

would have heard this as confirmation that we are exclusive and neither of us is seeing/sleeping with anyone else. 

Me too. Which is what makes me think he is maybe already there and she is worried about nothing. Perhaps, he just assumes that you feel the same way he is feeling. He is actually communicating to you how much he likes you and he is actually making time for you (that said, the transfer thing would have angered me too!). I wonder if it’s just not meeting your expectations OP, which is why you are unsure. I do agree that he probably responds well to direct communication. Many men are like this - we women like to offer subtle hints and expect our men to understand but they don’t always understand. I think a discussion to clarify a few things would be very helpful here. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

mmhh, if this man is trading bitcoins, he is on his phone his every awaken hours. I can't how he wouldn't see your text come in. 

[DatingMom]

@Gaeta I am 100% certain that he sees my texts the minute I send them. He is on his phone 24/7. So when he doesn't reply, he chooses not to reply. 

 

So, based on your answers, here is what I'm thinking of doing. Let me know if you agree with this, or if it's too aggressive. 

I will suggest that we meet Wednesday evening, even if just shortly (I know that is usually a good day for him, and I am free that day as well) because I feel that there are a few things that we need to discuss.

At the meeting, I will tell him:

1) "I was thinking about the story you told me in which you told your partner I was your girlfriend. I'll be honest, I was a little surprised by this because we never discussed it, and never even discussed being exclusive. Is this where you would like this relationship to progress to? Do you want to be exclusive and us to be official?"

2) Assuming he says yes to 1) and that we established that we are now official, or at least dating exclusively. Tell him:

"I understand that you are super busy and have a million things on your mind at all times, and for this reason it seems I have been doing most of the planning. But your lack of initiative, both in planning dates and trying to communicate between dates (through texting or phone calls) makes me feel like an after-thought which isn't very romantic. If we are going to be seriously dating each other, I need to see you make more of an effort, whether that is suggesting dates or making effort to communicate with me when we are not together."

3) If he agrees to making more of an effort, I go on to add:

"I'm glad we agree on these things, and that you are invested in making this work. Do you think we could also try to see each other more frequently? One evening date per week was great while we were trying to figure out if we wanted this to go somewhere. But now that we established that we would like to be a thing, I would like to give this relationship a chance to progress further by spending more time together. I know our schedules don't align so well, but can we agree to see each other every week at least twice either on Wednesday's and Friday's, or Saturday daytime?"

 

 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

@Gaeta I am 100% certain that he sees my texts the minute I send them. He is on his phone 24/7. So when he doesn't reply, he chooses not to reply. 

 

At the meeting, I will tell him:

1) "I was thinking about the story you told me in which you told your partner I was your girlfriend. I'll be honest, I was a little surprised by this because we never discussed it, and never even discussed being exclusive. Is this where you would like this relationship to progress to? Do you want to be exclusive and us to be official?"

All good. 

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2) Assuming he says yes to 1) and that we established that we are now official, or at least dating exclusively. Tell him:

"I understand that you are super busy and have a million things on your mind at all times, and for this reason it seems I have been doing most of the planning. But your lack of initiative, both in planning dates and trying to communicate between dates (through texting or phone calls) makes me feel like an after-thought which isn't very romantic. If we are going to be seriously dating each other, I need to see you make more of an effort, whether that is suggesting dates or making effort to communicate with me when we are not together.”

Personally, I wouldn’t reprimand the man before I told him what I expected. I would simply say something like - if we are going to become more serious, I would like to have more communication during the week. I know you are busy, so I don’t expect to be in constant communication. But, it bothers me when I text and you don’t reply (that’s a fair statement to make, again - you are telling him how you feel when he doesn’t reply to your text). Then, you wait and see how he responds. Does he reply to your text, or not? 

Again, I would state what you would like to happen... “I know you are busy, we both are. But, I would like to see you more and I was wondering how you would feel about trying to meet sometime during the week?”

I probably wouldn’t tell him that I need to see him make more of an effort to suggest dates - the less direct way to say that is simply, “I really like it when you plan our dates. I feel like I’m always having to plan things - perhaps, we can make a list of things we want to do together and you can plan a few more dates...” Again - you watch and wait. If he doesn’t step up, that’s when you tell him that you don’t feel like you are equally invested. You do have to remember, you are a planner but he may not be a planner. Dinner in and sex may be a perfect date for him! It’s obviously not for you. This may be more or an incompatibility than a lack of priority/lack of effort problem. 

But, that’s just me. I tend to be pretty non-confrontational in relationships. I tend to think you catch more flies with honey...

[Gaeta]

I don't think the right partner for you needs to be prompt into texting you and spending time with you. I've learn in my last relationship that when a man wants to be with me he'll move mountains to make that happen and when he wants to hear from me there is no heavy work load that will prevent him from doing that. 

I have learn that if you have to prompt a man to be the kind of man you want to date than he's not the right man for you. 

You want a man to spend time with you, call you, because he wants to, not because you told him that's what he needs to do.

Even if your guy wants you to be his official gf, he's still someone who wants very little from you. 

There is also the age. You are both adults with relationship experiences, he knows what women want, he's not new to life and new to women. He's not doing it because he doesn't need/want it at this time in his life. He's happy with his bitcoins going up in value and take-out and sex 3-4 times a month. 

 

[DatingMom]

@Gaeta Interesting point of view. I kind of agree to be honest, and all my relationships until now have been that way. So are you saying that you don't think he's right for me? That this is not worth investing in? 

Shouldn't I at least bring it up with him though with the language suggested by BaileyB? Give him a chance to step up? Give him another month and see if things improve? Or is it a waste of time?

[Gaeta]

@DatingMom: If you feel this is something you need to give a shot then go ahead, you have nothing to lose. I agree with @BaileyB on how to present things to him. But again, he will setp up to please you or because in his heart he wants to escalate things. Give it a try. If I am wrong I'll be happy to say I was and I'll learn something from it too

 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

So are you saying that you don't think he's right for me? That this is not worth investing in? 

Again, this is just me... 
I think Gaeta makes a good point. I’m not sure that I would end it before really giving it a try... remember, at this point you are still in the fairly early “once a week dating phase.” I don’t know that he’s not the right man for you, but it could be that you are incompatible in some key ways. And that, makes him not the right man for you. Still, for me, I would want to see this through a little further... I think when you have this discussion it will be revealed in short order where this relationship will go. 

If you are considering ending it, you could be more direct and tell him that there are some things that you need to have in order to be in a relationship with a man. My approach was a softer approach, assuming you wanted to build something with this man. If you are really not sure, you should tell him that. 

In other words, I would hate for this relationship to fail because of a lack of communication. 

[DatingMom]

What do you mean by trying to "please me" or "escalate things"? I'm confused. Aren't those good things, and proof that he cares?

He did tell me on our second date that he wishes to have a deep connection with someone, not just some superficial fling. Wouldn't he then facilitate things in a way to set the grounds for us to be able to have that kind of relationship? Or maybe he thinks that's what he wants, but in reality he doesn't?

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

What do you mean by trying to "please me" or "escalate things"? I'm confused. Aren't those good things, and proof that he cares?

He may just do it for a while, to please you. The important thing would be to see if he can maintain this - if you want the same things and you are compatible. 

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He did tell me on our second date that he wishes to have a deep connection with someone, not just some superficial fling. Wouldn't he then facilitate things in a way to set the grounds for us to be able to have that kind of relationship? Or maybe he thinks that's what he wants, but in reality he doesn't?

what if his view of “deep connection” and your view of “deep connection” are different.

His view of deep connection could be lovely weekends spent together listening to great music, cooking beautiful dinners, and having great sex! Your view of deep connection could be sharing every days experience with the goal of moving in together and marriage. 

Don’t assume that he wants what you want. Until you talk about thing, you have no idea what he wants. You don’t even know what you want right now...

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

I am 100% certain that he sees my texts the minute I send them. He is on his phone 24/7. So when he doesn't reply, he chooses not to reply.

I think Bailey hit the nail on the head with her response to the rest of this and how to approach him, so I am just going to address the above.

I am on the phone a lot throughout my day.  Often, when a text comes in, I swipe without reading to remove the notification off my screen because it is blocking what I am currently looking at.  The downside to this is that now I don't have a notification of a new text on the text icon. As a result, if I'm on the phone for a while, it's easy for me to forget that a text came in.  So I would argue that he is not necessarily choosing not to reply.

I'll also add (and this has bothered some men I've dated) that if the incoming text does not need a response (not talking about plans here but random comments, pictures, memes, etc.), it's easy for me to think I'll get back to it later, and sometimes later can be a lot later.

Now, if lots of texting and prompt responses is a must-have for you, then yes, you have an incompatibility here.  Personally, I'd be more concerned if he isn't interested in increasing the frequency of time together more than the frequency of texts. 

[Sun Seeker]

Only 7 weeks in, and already expectations are not being met, mixed signals, different communication styles, different needs in regards to how often to see each other, having to say you don't like xyz and want him to do more xyz...sounds like you are both incompatible to be honest. From experience there's only one way this is going to end up.

ALL of my best relationships had none of this, everything just flowed, expectations were a lot more matched, both wanted the same in regards to communication and how much time to spend together.

Sure give him a chance to make changes, but asking for them this early on is never a good sign.

Oh and personally, the whole taking forever to reply, even until the next morning, for no good reason.. if a woman did that to me I would not be able to stand the rudeness as that's just simply what it is.

[Menara]

wrong post

Edited May 10, 2021 by Menara

[DatingMom]

@BaileyB I know what I want in general from a relationship. And I have ended things with men in the past (for example my ex boyfriend, and others I dated for shorter periods of time) because I knew we were not on the same page. 

I have a full life, lots of friends, hobbies etc. But for me, a committed relationship is very important. I want to be with someone that I see frequently, someone that will be my best friend, that will share all the stupid little moments, the ups and downs of life, and not just someone to go out on the town and have a blast with. I would eventually want to introduce that person to my family and friends, my children etc. and, although I'm not in a hurry at all, but long term live together and share each other's lives. I would want the person I'm with to want the same thing. I don't really care about marriage. I'm happy not remarrying. This is not a priority for me, but if it is for someone else, that's ok too. 

With this guy, I was assuming from the start that he was looking for those things as well. Before we met, I had asked him what he is looking for and he replied: I am looking for a long term relationship based on communications, trust and mutual respect. 

On the texting front, he finally replied my text (!!). He said:

"No it's fine. To be honest, texting was never my thing but I know that is how you like to communicate. I am just old school. I dont use social media, read the news, email often, or text much. I can try to adapt."

To this I replied the following (to which I have not received any reply yet... of course! Now I hope that my text wasn't too forward and pushy)

"I understand. Why don't we talk about it next time we see each other? There's something else I'd like to discuss as well actually. What's your schedule like this week? I really liked seeing you twice last week. Would love to keep that up if possible."

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

With this guy, I was assuming from the start that he was looking for those things as well. Before we met, I had asked him what he is looking for and he replied: I am looking for a long term relationship based on communications, trust and mutual respect. 

"No it's fine. To be honest, texting was never my thing but I know that is how you like to communicate. I am just old school. I dont use social media, read the news, email often, or text much. I can try to adapt."

Ask him what's his thing. I am sure you'd be happy  if he'd call instead of texting. Personally I prefer a phone call than a text. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Gaeta

[DatingMom]

@Punterxx yes, I agree with you, it is concerning. And I am concerned that we might not be compatible. I am not sticking my head in the sand here at all! I just really like this guy, and greatly enjoy the time we spend together, and I guess hope that we can figure this out. On the other hand, I also don't want to be in a relationship with someone that is going to use up all my brain power, and not in a positive way. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that is constantly going to leave me frustrated. 

I am now actually thinking that our conversation about the relationship status perhaps need to be deeper than just "I want to see each other more, and have better communication". I wonder now if perhaps we should return to my first question of "what are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with me? If so, what does that look like for you? What does that entail?"

[Alpacalia]

So to sum it up, at two months in, you would like to:

(1) define the relationship
(2) have more electronic contact in-between dates
(3) faster response times
(4) have more frequent dates
(5) have him do more of the date preparation