Thinking of Cheating

[mark clemson]

Some great advice in posts above. I'd only echo that (as you probably know) when you cheat you take the risk of blowing up your family. Something to keep in mind.

MC might be a better alternative (to at least try) if what you're actually looking for is an improved emotional rapport...

[HappilyMarried]

6 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

I am definitely not seeking a revenge affair. I’m not trying to incite jealousy in any way.

I’m not passive with counseling and such. I’ve been affectionate. I’ve planned dates.  Initiated intimacy. After continuing to always be the initiator, I wondered what would happen if I didn’t. I’ve believe in allowing people to show you their intentions with their actions. So I can go back to doing all these things again but that further more confirms that if I didn’t, he won’t either, which increases my lack of feeling desired. Feeling unloved 
 

He’s very nice to me since we’ve reunited.    He does kind gestures but it feels like that of a friendship. It’s not about the friend in particular because I would rather the attention come from husband. I’ve had that opportunity to be with the friend while separated and divorce was all but final. Friend is always respectful in the physical sense. Never tried to make a move on me but flatters me with compliments. He’s actually never mentioned us being physical but I’m sure he’s open to it. 
 

I would love to save my marriage. I would love the attention from husband! Not some other man. I’m basically in love with someone who says they’re in love with me too but treats me like a friend. Just imagine yearning for someone you love to notice you and stop treating you as a platonic best friend in a sense. Imagine getting dolled up in hopes that he would at least give you a compliment. And then nothing. But friend notices if you even get a new pair of earrings. 
 

of course I want husband but after days, months, maybe a year of this, you start to enjoy the attention from friend because it’s what you so desperately crave from husband. 

Hey @Anon883388You say in the bold sentence above that you had the opportunity to be with your "friend" while you and your husband as separated but are you saying that you were with him but did not have sexual relations? However now that you are back with you husband you say he has been good in giving you flowers and compliments among other things but now you are going to cheat on him but you did not during your separation.

[Anon883388]

I agree cheating is not the best thing to do. I’m also not at a point that I’m really to divorce either. I’m still madly in love with him. I would leave if I had to of course but I think I would regret divorcing  him because he didn’t notice me enough. 
 

When I said I had an opportunity to be with the friend while separated it was just that. Husband and I were set on divorce. We had no intentions of reuniting and seeing other people wasn’t bad then in my opinion because were just waiting on the paperwork. Friend and I never were intimate, no kissing no hugging nothing. 
 

Friend would come by to watch movies we would go out different places together just as I would with a girl friend. We’ve been friends before I married and I never once thought about being physical with him. So when I mentioned the opportunity was there, I am saying that I could have while separated but I had no desire to. My desire to now only comes from him making me feel loved. He’s always said how lucky husband was to have me. That did nothing to me before because I was getting attention from husband. Now that I’m not, the compliments from the friend has me looking over my shoulder at the friend. 
 

Husband and j both work from home. Daughter at school most of the day. Husband leaves a lot of space for me to entertain the friend because he’s always in the garage smoking cigars or beers. (I am not saying in anyway this is husband’s fault. I’m only saying this because someone asked when I have time to talk to friend)  It gets too chilly out there for me so I stay in most of the time. I also talk to friend when I go grocery shopping alone, driving in the car, late at night while husband is outside. Same as I do with my other girl friends. There’s just plenty of time for us to speak because husband is home but never around. 

 

As I type this it seems like I’m already having an emotional affair with friend but I promise it isn’t that. Most of our conversations are of current events and general relationship topics. We never discuss my issues in marriage. It’s very platonic. The compliments come for example if he calls and asked what I am up to, I’ll say I’m at the nail salon. I’ll ask him what he thinks about a particular polish color and he’ll say choose this one. I’ll send him a picture of the end result and he goes on and on about how nice the color looks on me. I got home and husband doesn’t even notice lol.

 

maybe this is an affair already?!?! Oh my 

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Anon883388

[elaine567]

Two things
Could your friend be gay? I know it is a bit of a generalisation but nail polish colour and he never made a move...
Could your husband be still having an affair?
Hours in a chilly garage...gives him space to talk to someone.  
Another poster found her husband's burner phone in his garage, he was always out there "pottering", in reality he was speaking to his OW.

[SMoore]

Don’t do it.

Just.  Don’t.

It’s such a trap.  It will feel so right and perfect and no one else understands how this feels and I deserve this and isn’t this exciting like the films and then...

Cue depression, anxiety, jealousy, heartache, pain, pain and why won’t this pain stop, I love him/her so much but does he/she feel the same, I’m going to be sick, what have I done, I didn’t mean it to end this way, I didn’t want to cause so much pain, I didn’t want this, how could I have been so stupid, can’t sleep/eat etc and still, after all this time, my heart is still aching and it’s been half a year and I still can’t function at work and my child misses the mum I used to be and...and.... I wish I’d listened to those people on that forum...

You.  Will.  Regret.  It.

You get the idea.

Your body is your heart is your mind.  You can’t separate any of them.  Don’t kid yourself into thinking you can.

Sermon over, good luck.

[Anon883388]

So very true! I think I would regret it also. 
 

Friend is DEFINITELY not gay. We literally talk about everything. He doesn’t bring up nail polish and such but if I asks his opinion, he will chime in. We also talk about which haircut looks best on him so none of this is out of the norm. 
 

Friend has not physically made and advances but he does notice. Like if I accidentally bump in to him, he’d say watch out now. Don’t start anything you can’t finish. If I bump into husband he says “excuse me” lol. Friend and I have had conversations of him initially being interested in me before he knew I was in a long term relationship at the time. He introduced himself to me with intentions of dating me but he asked a mutual friend about me and the friend confirmed that I was taken. Friend and I still continued our friendship and I actually didn’t even find this out until years later. 
 

I definitely think I may be having an emotional affair now. Wow. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, Anon883388 said:

As I type this it seems like I’m already having an emotional affair with friend but I promise it isn’t that.

Yup, you find yourself in an emotional affair. 

55 minutes ago, Anon883388 said:

Husband leaves a lot of space for me to entertain the friend because he’s always in the garage smoking cigars or beers. I also talk to friend when I go grocery shopping alone, driving in the car, late at night while husband is outside. There’s just plenty of time for us to speak.

We literally talk about everything.

I’m going to suggest that you are perhaps spending more time talking with your friend than with your husband...

And assuming the man is not gay, the reason why he showers you with attention could potentially be because... he wants to get you into bed. And, he wants to be in a relationship with you. You may not have thought about it. But, don’t be fooled, men don’t usually like to be friends with women they don’t want to sleep with. They don’t usually waste their time like that. 

Quote

Like if I accidentally bump in to him, he’d say watch out now. Don’t start anything you can’t finish.

Ah, sexual innuendo... he’s just throwing it out there, to see how you respond. He totally wants to sleep with you.

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[HappilyMarried]

3 minutes ago, Anon883388 said:

So very true! I think I would regret it also. 
 

Friend is DEFINITELY not gay. We literally talk about everything. He doesn’t bring up nail polish and such but if I asks his opinion, he will chime in. We also talk about which haircut looks best on him so none of this is out of the norm. 
 

Friend has not physically made and advances but he does notice. Like if I accidentally bump in to him, he’d say watch out now. Don’t start anything you can’t finish. If I bump into husband he says “excuse me” lol. Friend and I have had conversations of him initially being interested in me before he knew I was in a long term relationship at the time. He introduced himself to me with intentions of dating me but he asked a mutual friend about me and the friend confirmed that I was taken. Friend and I still continued our friendship and I actually didn’t even find this out until years later. 
 

I definitely think I may be having an emotional affair now. Wow. 

One of the ways you know if you are in a EA is if you and your friend are together or are talking, emailing, texting, etc.. if you say anything or do anything (actions) that you would not do or feel comfortable doing in front of your husband then you are in a EA. That is something you would have to be honest with yourself and decide. Also, being a male and how 99% of all men think if you give any hint or opening to your friend he will forget about just being friends and go straight to trying to have sex or a ongoing PA trust me.

[Pottering About]

Can I ask whether there will be phone or other records of the two of you communicating as you seem to talk an awful lot? What is the risk to your marriage if your husband checked, or even just saw, phone bills etc and saw the number of calls, duration, timing etc? They may well be platonic conversations to you but how would  they appear to your husband. What would you think if you saw lots of calls from him to a female friend?  Not suggesting impropriety on your part, just putting up a red flag.

I have to say your husband’s behaviour is rather strange. Personally, I would be looking at that if I wanted to stay married.

[Pottering About]

Forgot to ask Anon883388, how is the weather where you are, a bit foggy is it?

[Anon883388]

4 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

One of the ways you know if you are in a EA is if you and your friend are together or are talking, emailing, texting, etc.. if you say anything or do anything (actions) that you would not do or feel comfortable doing in front of your husband then you are in a EA. That is something you would have to be honest with yourself and decide. Also, being a male and how 99% of all men think if you give any hint or opening to your friend he will forget about just being friends and go straight to trying to have sex or a ongoing PA trust me.

I agree. I personally do not do or say anything to friend that I wouldn’t do in front of husband. I don’t flirt or make sexual gestures. Friend does sometimes however (very rare). I normally laugh and ignore. 

He has outright told me that he would sleep with me because he’s attracted when I asked him while vulnerable and separated. I know friend would jump at the chance of being intimate because most men would with someone they’re attracted to. Friend has just seemed to value our friendship more than his urges to sleep with me. Simply because I’ve helped him through break ups and father passing. 

 

I definitely talk to friend more  but that’s also because friend reaches out to me more than husband 

 

[Anon883388]

Husband could easily find out about conversations and records but we aren’t on the same phone plan. I would show him if he asks and he has access to my phone, whereabouts, etc. I don’t feel I’ve have anything to hide (yet). Friend and I literally talked about stocks and new music today. There’s nothing to delete or hide. Husband can see the messages if he likes. 

[Pottering About]

Okay, only ask out of concern for you. Do you think you are being a little blasé or niaive about this. Husband may be able to see messages but he can’t hear phone conversations. There are many posts on here where BS uncovered affairs (EA and PA) through phone records and texts where the partner then futilely protests their innocence.
 

Whilst it may not be your intention, I do believe you are in an EA of some sort. Someone  may look at the fact you converse late at night, when out grocery shopping, driving in your car etc and say that these patterns would fit very closely to someone having an affair, or is that what you would like him to think to generate some sort of reaction/spark? Your protestations of innocence then would be pretty much meaningless.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Pottering About

[HappilyMarried]

2 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

I also talk to friend when I go grocery shopping alone, driving in the car, late at night while husband is outside. Same as I do with my other girl friends. There’s just plenty of time for us to speak because husband is home but never around. 

 

1 hour ago, Anon883388 said:

I agree. I personally do not do or say anything to friend that I wouldn’t do in front of husband.

It just looks like you talk to your friend a lot when you are not with your husband. Do you ever talk to him when you and your husband are sitting around in the family room or when you are in bed at night. Maybe your husband don't show any concern about your friendship because he doesn't realize how much time you all spend talking or being together. Maybe you could start to connect more with your husband if you spent more time talking and doing things with him. However it sounds like you are going to have to make the decision of who you want to devote your time in the not to distant future.

[usa1ah]

So your willing to hurt your husband with the same pain you felt. 
 

Your husband’s affair doesn’t exist any longer. The two of you separated then you took him back. Done and over with. You chose to stay and work it out. Your bringing it up to begin with is just Bullchit. Your trying to make an excuse for what your wanting to do. 
 

Here is an idea, instead of f***ing another man that isn’t your husband. Why don’t you actually workout your relationship with your husband. Find out why he is not there like he was. Something is going on to cause this. 
 

I would hate for it to turn out that he got some bad news about his health and is trying to deal with it by himself. It wouldn’t be the first time. A husband told his wife that he was dying the day he found out about the affair. Allthe news came out at a family get together that his wife was at. He stayed home because he wasn’t feeling well. He found out about the affair and went to her and her family was and ripped into her. Told her everything that was going on with him then turned around and made her turn white when he exposed the affair. She broke that day. Her sister is the one that posted the story asking for help on how to help her sister. 
 

So do what you want. It is completely on you if you cheat or continue the relationship with the damn snake as a friend. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by usa1ah

[Buffer]

Leave the marriage and D. Cheating is never the answer. D then seek affection from Mr Wonderful. Two wrongs won’t make it right. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

. Husband leaves a lot of space for me to entertain the friend because he’s always in the garage smoking cigars or beers. 

Your marriage seems like roommates. Does your husband drink heavily? 

Your friend seems like a male-girlfriend.

So what you have is a checked out husband. The two of you stuck in the house 24/7.

And this guy who hangs out like a female friend with you to compensate for your husband being checked out and in the garage drinking and chatting up other women.

Your marriage is as bad as when you separated. Except now you have this male-girlfriend to take your mind off the bad marriage and ignore what your husband is doing in the garage.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Anon883388]

15 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Whoa! I’ve literally only mentioned his affair once in the original post to provide the back story as to why we separated. If I would’ve only said we separated, people would’ve asked why. No where else did I mention the affair. Not really sure how you got that I’m trying to make excuses or justify it being ok for me to cheat because he did. I think you may have interpreted wrong because that was never my intention. 
 

 

I’m not really sure if he is chatting with other women in the garage. We agreed that he shouldn’t smoke in the house so that’s the main reason he is out there. It’s possible that he is but in times I pop out there he isn’t doing anything but I will never put anything pass anyone since I have the same time to converse with my friend. This hanging in isolated places to smoke and drink is pretty much consistent with since I’ve known him. I don’t do either so I’d rather not be around the smoke and such but he’s been this way since I’ve known him. The only difference between then and now is that he would make up for it by massaging me during a movie once he’s back inside. He would flirt throughout the day. I have no problem with him having me time. It’s the lack of affection/attention I feel when we are around each other throughout the rest of the time. 

Cheating is never an excuse. It’s never ok or justifiable. In some selfish, vulnerable way, I love the attention that I get from the friend but I desperately crave that attention from husband instead. It’s a possibility that he’s no longer attracted to me. He will probably never admit it but that is a huge possibility. 
 

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Anon883388

[pepperbird2]

OP, whatever decisions you make, just keep in mind that you can't unring a bell. Have you considered all the potential fallout and how you would deal with that should you decide to go outside your marriage?

[usa1ah]

6 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

Whoa! I’ve literally only mentioned his affair once in the original post to provide the back story as to why we separated. If I would’ve only said we separated, people would’ve asked why. No where else did I mention the affair. Not really sure how you got that I’m trying to make excuses or justify it being ok for me to cheat because he did. I think you may have interpreted wrong because that was never my intention. 
 

 

I’m not really sure if he is chatting with other women in the garage. We agreed that he shouldn’t smoke in the house so that’s the main reason he is out there. It’s possible that he is but in times I pop out there he isn’t doing anything but I will never put anything pass anyone since I have the same time to converse with my friend. This hanging in isolated places to smoke and drink is pretty much consistent with since I’ve known him. I don’t do either so I’d rather not be around the smoke and such but he’s been this way since I’ve known him. The only difference between then and now is that he would make up for it by massaging me during a movie once he’s back inside. He would flirt throughout the day. I have no problem with him having me time. It’s the lack of affection/attention I feel when we are around each other throughout the rest of the time. 

Cheating is never an excuse. It’s never ok or justifiable. In some selfish, vulnerable way, I love the attention that I get from the friend but I desperately crave that attention from husband instead. It’s a possibility that he’s no longer attracted to me. He will probably never admit it but that is a huge possibility. 
 

 

The issue of your husband cheating is not part of your problem of wanting to cheat with your POS friend. Your friend is actually going after a married woman. Your friend has no respect for your marriage. Your friend has no respect for your husband. Your friend just wants a free piece of azz and has a silver tongue. Most guys that go after married women say anything they need to to get what they want. 
 

How long have you know this friend?

 

Did your relationship with your husband start to decline after you met your friend?

 

Have you told your husband that you need him in your life?

 

Have you told your husband that if he doesn’t start being part of the relationship again that you will leave him?

Your are trying to justify wanting to cheat with this “friend”. When you should have been putting your time and energy into your relationship with your husband. 
 

Maybe your husband felt a disconnect from you and started pulling away himself because of it. Maybe your friend came in between the two of you and you allowed it to happen. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

Something you should read through. 
 

The OM is probably just like your friend. 

[usa1ah]

Just so you know. I was feeling the disconnect that you do. I told my wife that I was done and she could have a divorce anytime she wanted it. Very long story about how we got to that point (no cheating from what I know). It took about a year after that for her to realize just how bad our relationship really was. She is doing everything that she can to let me know that I matter to her and that she doesn’t want the relationship to end. I told her about wanting a divorce about 7 years ago now. It is possible to turn your situation around. 

[Wiseman2]

Your husband is completely checked out and you know this. Is he an alcoholic or problem drinker?

It sounds like a marriage of convenience. That's ok, but your male-girlfriend guy won't fix that.

[elaine567]

On 2/6/2021 at 2:01 AM, usa1ah said:

Your husband’s affair doesn’t exist any longer. The two of you separated then you took him back. Done and over with

It doesn't work like that.

[usa1ah]

16 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It doesn't work like that.

Yes it does. If a betrayed spouse decides to R after a separation they agree to forgive and work on the marriage. It isn’t a ticket to turn around and cheat themselves. Everyone on here knows two wrongs don’t make a right. 
 

Just like a BS doesn’t have the right to verbally abuse the wayward spouse when they decide the R. 
 

Her husband’s cheating has nothing to do with her wanting to be with another man.