Thinking of Cheating

[Anon883388]

Hi. I’ve been with husband 10 years total, married 7. We are both in late 30s. We have 6 yr old daughter. I loved my husband dearly. Really loved him but he had an affair a few years ago. We separated for a year and it was ugly. 
 

We got back together and things were great. He’s always been attentive and nice in the way he speaks of me. 
 

Recently (a year), he’s been showing less affection. I can’t remember the last time we kissed. We are intimate once a month, mostly him coming on to me. He doesn’t touch me or hug me much. I don’t think he’s cheating because he doesn’t really go anywhere and leaves his unlocked phone around

 

However, I’ve been feeling undesired by his lack of affection lately. I have a guy friend that I have know for years. He has always shown interest in me but I never paid him any attention because I loved hubby. Friend is very respectful and not aggressive with me in the times we’ve hung out in the past (public mutual friends events) but he’s very clear that he wants something with me and not just sex. I helped him through his father’s passing so friend always tells me how thankful he is for that.  He says I’m the perfect woman.

Recently, I’ve been more interested in guy friend. Simply because if I tried a new lip color, husband doesn’t notice but friend does. Husband doesn’t compliment my hair after I’ve been at the salon for hours. Friend does. I’ve tried more fitting clothes and friend is “wowed” husband doesn’t notice. It doesn’t feel like husband notices me anymore. Like he isn’t attracted to me anymore. Friend makes me feel wanted and that’s all I want from husband. Friend makes me feel sexy. 
 

ive mentioned going to counseling to husband and he agrees but never brings it back up when asked what day works. I’ve blatantly let husband know that I’m unhappy and not feeling loved and would like more attention. I’ve pointed out that it’s getting to the point where I may leave him if it doesn’t change. Things change for a few days but husband is back to being distant. 
 

I don’t want to leave husband because my daughter is sad if husband just goes to the store without her. She’s also in private school and money is tight. I can afford to live on my own but would have zero extra money left after bills. 
 

Friend wants me to come by and I’m tempted to go. Simply to feel desired again. What should I do?  I want to feel wanted and go to friend’s house. It may lead to sex I’m sure. But for me it’s for emotional and not physical reasons for wanting to cheat. What do I do?

Edited February 5, 2021 by Anon883388

[Mrin]

Leave husband before going to see friend. Seriously. Why invite that sort of chaos into your life? You do understand that the second you go see friend and sleep with him you will now feel lower than dirt. Completely unworthy of your husband's attention. And still be stuck in a dead in marriage with an inattentive husband. Except instead of feeling deserving of his love you will feel like trash. Do you really want to do that?

[merrmeade]

23 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Leave husband before going to see friend. Seriously. Why invite that sort of chaos into your life? You do understand that the second you go see friend and sleep with him you will now feel lower than dirt. Completely unworthy of your husband's attention. And still be stuck in a dead in marriage with an inattentive husband. Except instead of feeling deserving of his love you will feel like trash. Do you really want to do that?

Agree with Mirin. Besides you know this is just going to result in the same thing—ending your marriage. There will be no coming back from this. This IS the end of the road. You’ve basically told your story like you’ve tried everything and husband doesn’t get it or seem to care. Rather than telling him to do something or it’s over you’re choosing not to decide and let an affair decide for you. 

[josedelamuerte]

Best to do it right. Divorce first, then if you still want to sleep with this friend, by all means go ahead. Could be that once you're free you'll find someone new who fills both your emotional and physical needs.

As for the money issues - you're the one paying for your daughter's tuition? Once you get divorced you can reach an agreement in which your husband picks up at least part of the bill. If you can't reach an agreement the courts can.

[Anon883388]

Thank you all for replying. We both cover tuition monthly. I can continue the same payment arrangement if I leave but my lifestyle would drastically change. (No cable, extra money for hair salon, etc)

 

Divorce seems so drastic with a 6 year old that has separation anxiety from dad. I’ve always imagined leaving any marriage when some event happens or the spouse is indifferent/cruel. Husband isn’t any of these things. I’m not being “mistreated” I don’t think. Am I? He buys me flowers, favorite candies, and such but there’s no passion! Even with him buying me flowers is simply him handing them to me without a single word. I maybe should not say I’m unhappy, maybe complacent. Is that divorce worthy? 

You say I would feel dirty for sleeping with friend. You think so? I don’t want that at all. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. I don’t know how I would feel. I just want husband to notice and admire me the way the friend does :( I may not even sleep with friend if I go over but it is a possibility 

 

Note: I’m currently alone typing this from the bed while husband is downstairs watching tv in the wee hours. Friend is sending me funny memes 

 

[Anon883388]

Correction, husband just came to bed and asked if I needed anything to drink but rolled over with his back towards me to go to sleep. I’m here wanting to be held. Maybe I’ve gained to much weight or something. Really feeling unwanted right now. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Anon883388

[josedelamuerte]

I get what you mean with the kid. This would certainly not be in her best interest.

Your husband may not be cruel, but he is indifferent, or his libido's broken, or something.

It's clearly bothering you. He doesn't want to do anything about it. Question is - can you see yourself staying in this marriage in its current form for another decade and a half, 'till your daughter moves out?

Whatever the answer, cheating as a means to get attention or to incite jealousy doesn't sound like the right way to go about it.

[S2B]

Why don’t you try being honest and tell your husband your needs aren’t being met?

if you want to cheat - wait until the divorce is final.

[sandylee1]

It does sound like your husband is indifferent towards you at the moment. 

You mentioned sex is about once a month with him coming on to you.  Do you ever initiate?

Cheating would just cause unnecessary stress for you...and your guy friend isn't the best if he's angling at you coming over.

End one relationship before you start another. 

[Pottering About]

What are YOUR priorities here? Are they to save your marriage, leave your marriage irrespective of whether you are with the OM, take up a full relationship with the OM, accept that you are in a marriage of convenience that provides a good lifestyle? Is staying in an unsatisfactory marriage the right thing to do for your daughter?

Once you have decided what your priority is, what do you have to do/can do to achieve this? What do others have to do and how can you make that happen?

Is it possible that your husband has disconnected from the marriage but is staying for many of the same concerns you have expressed (eg finances, lifestyle etc)? 

I do have a great deal of sympathy for you, far more than I was expecting when I saw your thread title. I often think indifference is the worse of all emotions as it is so difficult to deal with. 
 

Finally, I have to agree with the others, an affair is not the right way to go about things. If you want to be with the OM, then you should end your marriage first. You have to live with yourself and you seem to be the type of person who would not be happy with yourself as a cheater.

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Pottering About

[Wiseman2]

This isn't an infidelity problem, it's a marriage problem. Clearly things are still bad between you. 

You may have gotten back together, but there's all the same problems and resentments and then some.

You STILL really don't trust him and at some level never forgave him.(not that you should).

Revenge cheating fantasies are common. However they won't fix a dead robotic roommate marriage.

Decide what you want.  First speak with an attorney. You seem to despise your husband (understandably), so get some advice about dissolving this unhappy situation.

[elaine567]

Whilst you are busy fantasising about the attention of another man, you are not really thinking about why your husband is now distant.
I have found that in life what you put out you get back and if you are happy, friendly and open then people treat you in a similar way.
Could it be that he is mirroring you?
Being preoccupied with this other guy and maybe even being still resentful of his affair, I guess you are not being an open loving wife and in turn he has shut down.
A year ago this pandemic started, could he be worried about his job, his security...
Just a thought.
Get some professional help for your daughter's sake, even if you have to drag him there.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

Divorce seems so drastic

And sleeping with another man is not drastic?

Given that he has cheated before, is this a revenge affair? Are you trying to get his attention? 

When you separated, you said things were “ugly.” How so?

Perhaps - you never should have reunited. No wonder your daughter has separation anxiety. You want her to be even more anxious - have an affair and see what happens... Turn your attention away from your husband and daughter, and see how your husband responds when you are discovered...

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Fletch Lives]

Only cheat if you are ready for divorce. Your spouse usually finds out.

[Interstellar]

deleted.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Interstellar
just read previous responses

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

ive mentioned going to counseling to husband and he agrees but never brings it back up when asked what day works. I’ve blatantly let husband know that I’m unhappy and not feeling loved and would like more attention

This situation is a lot more complicated because of your child.  I feel like you need to try harder to save this marriage for your child.  You're being too passive about setting up counseling.  You need to do more than just "mention" it.  Schedule an actual day and then tell him what day it is scheduled.  

[lana-banana]

Why not tell your husband you want to be held, you need to feel passion, etc? Even healthy marriages without a history of infidelity can get stuck in ruts. It seems like committing to counseling and more open communication would do you both a lot of good.

Leave him or make an effort. But if you aren't willing to entertain divorce, then you shouldn't be willing to entertain infidelity, either. 

[Anon883388]

I am definitely not seeking a revenge affair. I’m not trying to incite jealousy in any way.

I’m not passive with counseling and such. I’ve been affectionate. I’ve planned dates.  Initiated intimacy. After continuing to always be the initiator, I wondered what would happen if I didn’t. I’ve believe in allowing people to show you their intentions with their actions. So I can go back to doing all these things again but that further more confirms that if I didn’t, he won’t either, which increases my lack of feeling desired. Feeling unloved 
 

He’s very nice to me since we’ve reunited.    He does kind gestures but it feels like that of a friendship. It’s not about the friend in particular because I would rather the attention come from husband. I’ve had that opportunity to be with the friend while separated and divorce was all but final. Friend is always respectful in the physical sense. Never tried to make a move on me but flatters me with compliments. He’s actually never mentioned us being physical but I’m sure he’s open to it. 
 

I would love to save my marriage. I would love the attention from husband! Not some other man. I’m basically in love with someone who says they’re in love with me too but treats me like a friend. Just imagine yearning for someone you love to notice you and stop treating you as a platonic best friend in a sense. Imagine getting dolled up in hopes that he would at least give you a compliment. And then nothing. But friend notices if you even get a new pair of earrings. 
 

of course I want husband but after days, months, maybe a year of this, you start to enjoy the attention from friend because it’s what you so desperately crave from husband. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Anon883388 said:

 I’ve had that opportunity to be with the friend while separated and divorce was all but final.

Why did you separate and why did you get back together? 

I wonder if you were never meant to get back together. You must have separated for a reason? Perhaps you made the decision with the hope that it would be better... but it’s not. So now, you stay for the many reasons - it’s comfortable, you have a child, your standard of living is better with two incomes... 

If I’m reading this correctly, it sounds like you had the opportunity to be with your new love interest while you were separated. If this is in fact what you mean, your reconciliation was pretty much doomed to fail. Your husband can not compete with the affection you receive from a new love interest. And now, you are trying to assess your marriage while dreaming of another man...

If you are not happy in your marriage, file for divorce. You’ve done it once before, you can do it again. You gave it a good try, it didn’t work. Then, you will be free to seek whatever makes you happy with this man or any other...

But, be careful for your daughter. Coming and going, coming and going from relationships is hard on kids. It creates anxiety, they have issues with attachment, there is a lack of security and trust. You are seeing that now. And if you jump from one relationship to another, that will compound the problem. If you divorce, you may do well to be single for a while... take care of your daughter. She will need you.
 

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Don't cheat - you won't feel any better.  It will just make your entire situation that much worse and unbearable.  Your H's kind gestures will soon start making you feel guilty, you might fall in love with your friend and he won't feel the same, etc. just don't do it.  I'd argue that you are already in an emotional affair which is further highlighting all the ways your H is disappointing you.

You need to get this all out on the table - this is so common in marriage, happy takes work.  Schedule the therapy appointment, tell your H what you want from him and that you're on the verge of an affair and making a huge mistake and blowing up your lives.  It might wake him up real quick, getting rid of the secrecy will lay bare a lot of feelings and from there you can best tackle the way forward together.  Who knows what he is feeling, too!

 

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Don't cheat - you won't feel any better.  It will just make your entire situation that much worse and unbearable.  Your H's kind gestures will soon start making you feel guilty, you might fall in love with your friend and he won't feel the same

OP, go to the Other Man/Woman section of this board and read some of the stories. Things get really messy and what began as a bandaid solution often ends up being an open wound. You simply can’t solve one problem by creating another...

You have a decision to make - either you totally commit to your marriage and forget this other man or you divorce. 

Infidelity is easy. It’s exciting. It’s fun. Until it’s not fun anymore... Until you find yourself discovered and divorced. Or until you find yourself stuck with no solution in sight, in not only one, but two unfulfilling relationships...

It’s much harder and it takes more work to do the right thing - whether that is reconciliation or divorce. Good luck. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Anon883388 said:

my lack of feeling desired. Feeling unloved 
Imagine getting dolled up in hopes that he would at least give you a compliment. And then nothing. But friend notices if you even get a new pair of earrings. 

So unfortunately it seems like you are looking for attention? 

[ctdans]

So where is this "guy" friend?  It sounds like you spend a great deal of time with him?  Is it when you are at work or when your husband is at work?  If you both work and have a young daughter to care for and a home to keep up I wonder when you find time for the guy friend?  If you want your marriage to survive like you say and if you love your husband you should break contact with your guy friend and see how this works out.  If he is as nice as you say he will understand and give you time and space.

 

I agree with the others that you need to once again put it all out in front of your husband and don't threaten but inform.  Don't cheat as that just makes you a cheater.  He cheated on you and you know how that made you feel.  Be the better person.

[Asc1226]

9 hours ago, Anon883388 said:

Thinking of Cheating

Thinking of turning my life into a complete and utter s***show and dragging my daughter along for the ride.

There, fixed it for you.  For god’s sake just tell your husband either you both start working on the marriage or you’re filing for divorce.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Asc1226
Edited for grammar

[dramafreezone]

I know you think that cheating while staying together is the best thing for your child, but the risk is everyone finds out and that is what stains your daughter's mind.

If we're speaking strictly about what's best for her, it would be for you to be with a man who you don't feel the need to cheat on.  Where do you think children learn about relationships?