Betrayed, again

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields When he tells me he came last even after the dog, I believe him too. I imposed a lot of things on him.

Can you expand upon these statements??

[Allupinnit]

Well if you take him back just know you'll be in an open relationship, even if he lies to you about it.  

I wish you would stop blaming yourself already for "your part."  He's your boyfriend; you're not in a 25-year marriage with a lifetime of memories built.  It's not like he slipped up on a business trip.  He's been prowling for women on a dating app, most likely the whole time you've been together.  You just now got wise.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Allupinnit

[Gaeta]

Allupinnit: I don't know what I want yet. I go from it's over to I'm willing to talk. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you expand upon these statements??

Example: I would offer his services without asking him first. My bf will fix that for you. He doesn't like parties, birthdays and stuff and I'd say yes to invitations then ask him to swallow his discomfort for me. He would want to spend quiet time with me by his side but I'd tell him the dishes need to be done, the dog needs to be walked, the bedsheets need to be changed, the kid needs to be driven to her tutoral....there was always something I should do before I get to him.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well if you take him back just know you'll be in an open relationship, even if he lies to you about it.

Lol, that's not an open relationship, it's cheating.  Lying is cheating.  But I get your logic.  

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Example: I would offer his services without asking him first. My bf will fix that for you. He doesn't like parties, birthdays and stuff and I'd say yes to invitations then ask him to swallow his discomfort for me. He would want to spend quiet time with me by his side but I'd tell him the dishes need to be done, the dog needs to be walked, the bedsheets need to be changed, the kid needs to be driven to her tutoral....there was always something I should do before I get to him.

Okay so admittedly you neglected him, took him for granted.  You shut him down when he mentioned therapy, laughed when he wanted to discuss monogamy, asserting it was "silly"?

Is that a fair assessment?

Geez I'm sounding like a freakin therapist!  Lol

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

....there was always something I should do before I get to him.

Thank you for the response.

Yes, my girlfriend had some old friend move to the area (prior to the pandemic) and I get dragged into a couples dinner, thing.  I don't really like her friend's husband, but I "suck it up" (smile and chat). 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay so admittedly you neglected him, took him for granted.  You shut him down when he mentioned therapy, laughed when he wanted to discuss monogamy.  

Is that a fair assessment?

Geez I'm sounding like a freakin therapist!  Lol

Yes to neglected him and took him for granted.

I did not shut him down when he mentioned therapy, I don't think so. I don't think he wanted to discuss monogamy. It was a yelling match when I confronted him. He called me from his car, I was driving as well, he said hi honey and I spit it all out at him. 

[peach302]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Example: I would offer his services without asking him first. My bf will fix that for you. He doesn't like parties, birthdays and stuff and I'd say yes to invitations then ask him to swallow his discomfort for me. He would want to spend quiet time with me by his side but I'd tell him the dishes need to be done, the dog needs to be walked, the bedsheets need to be changed, the kid needs to be driven to her tutoral....there was always something I should do before I get to him.

He's  trying to make himself feel better now (maybe) Ultimately making up excuses for his behaviour. And how its your fault 😂..its classic. 

He's not a little kid where  he should need attention 24/7 when you had to attend to life matters.

But at the end of the day if he was so unhappy why not go his own way or at least express these concerns initially. 

[elaine567]

I personally believe he is a "professional" cheater... and this is probably in his make up, it is just who he is.
He may have been brought up to think men cheat and women turn a blind eye...
...but the big issue in their recent relationship IMO was the "adoption" of the child. 
Which Gaeta never discussed with him as according to her, he had no say in it, as if he was the lodger or the handyman...
After four years and practically living there he had no say?
I guess that stung...

Edited November 23, 2020 by elaine567
Typo

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, peach302 said:

He's  trying to make himself feel better now (maybe) Ultimately making up excuses for his behaviour. And how its your fault 😂..its classic. 

He's not a little kid where  he should need attention 24/7 when you had to attend to life matters.

Not exactly. When he told me all these things I said 'so that's why you cheated' and he said no. I asked why then? and he replied he doesn't know maybe something is wrong with him. 

No we're both very independent people we don't need attention 24/7 but when you feel you're not a priority and it accumulates over the months sometimes years at some point you will lash out. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes to neglected him and took him for granted.

I did not shut him down when he mentioned therapy, I don't think so. I don't think he wanted to discuss monogamy. It was a yelling match when I confronted him. He called me from his car, I was driving as well, he said hi honey and I spit it all out at him. 

Ok thanks for clarifying. I got that mixed up with this:

>>I think he did tell me and I didn't take him seriously. I remember we spoke about beautiful women being cheated on like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston and his opinion on the subject was very strong, these women must have been cold in bed, a man has basic needs and he gets fed up after a while. I never took these comments of his seriously, I'd tell him to stop speaking silly.<<

For the record, to me there is no justification to cheat, nothing that makes it "okay" to cheat.  

If one's partner is 'cold in bed' or whatever, you open up a discussion about it.  Consider therapy or an open relationship.

Not cheat.

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

...but the big issue in their recent relationship IMO was the "adoption" of the child. 
Which Gaeta never discussed with him as according to her, he had no say in it, as if he was the lodger or the handyman...
After four years and practically living there he had no say?
I guess that stung...

Yes he spoke about how things changed since she's with me but he said also he accepted her, what he has a hard time with is how we have no intimacy since.

[lana-banana]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Not exactly. When he told me all these things I said 'so that's why you cheated' and he said no. I asked why then? and he replied he doesn't know maybe something is wrong with him. 

No we're both very independent people we don't need attention 24/7 but when you feel you're not a priority and it accumulates over the months sometimes years at some point you will lash out. 

This is not about you or your behavior, and the fact that he's even trying to make this about your relationship problems (and not, you know, HIS CHEATING) is proof of just how totally unfit he is as a partner. He should be begging on his knees for another chance and swearing that he'll gouge out his eyes rather than look at another woman, not blaming you for the lack of attention. And he doesn't know why he cheated - that is not someone you can be in a relationship with. If he doesn't know why he did something then he has no ability to prevent it in the future.

A man doesn't just start serial cheating overnight because he can't take it anymore. I am with the majority here: it's very likely he's been carrying on with other women for a long time, possibly even since the beginning. You should cut all contact as soon as it's logistically feasible to do so.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If one's partner is 'cold in bed' or whatever, you open up a discussion about it.  Consider therapy or an open relationship.

Once we addressed seriously what is not going on in our bedroom. I said I felt bad for abandoning him, we had sex like once a month. I explained it's not by lack of love or desire, this menopause is cruel to me and I am not allowed to any hormones to help with the symptoms. He said he loved me and he could wait as long as I needed, that sex is not a make-it or break-it issue. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I got a feeling from the beginning you'd find a way to accept this and work it out.

You're right that it's a very common story that the woman loses interest in sex, the man tries a number of ways to get it, and then eventually seeks it elsewhere. I think many marriages function OK this way - the woman turns a blind eye and they continue.

I'm not proud of it, but a couple of years ago I talked to two different married men online who were in a very similar situation. Their wife had lost all interest in sex, while their sex drives were still raging. They'd be giving up way too much to leave, leaving their kids, nice house, half the assets, etc., so they decided to seek arrangements on the side. Both of them tried to line that up with me, and they were offering a lot - nice dates, international trips together ("business trips"), gifts, whatever I wanted, basically. Aside from the moral issue that I could never get around, it seemed like a pretty good deal - all the fun stuff with none of the day-to-day annoyances. Their logic was that the wife wasn't holding up her end of the marital bargain, so they were perfectly entitled to get sex elsewhere. Both of them have had secret dalliances and say overall it's improved their marriage, as now they're much less tempted to abandon the wife and family. I eventually cut off all communication and now avoid married/involved men completely.

Seems messed up to me - but I think many, many older couples function this way.

[Ruby Slippers]

I also want to say that if this works for you and you're happy with it, it's your business.

I'd be the first person to say dump his ass. But I'm not you, and my opinion on what you should do really doesn't matter - nor do the opinions of anyone here. What matters is what you want and what makes you happy. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I got a feeling from the beginning you'd find a way to accept this and work it out.

You're right that it's a very common story that the woman loses interest in sex, the man tries a number of ways to get it, and then eventually seeks it elsewhere. I think many marriages function OK this way - the woman turns a blind eye and they continue.

I'm not proud of it, but a couple of years ago I talked to two different married men online who were in a very similar situation. Their wife had lost all interest in sex, while their sex drives were still raging. They'd be giving up way too much to leave, leaving their kids, nice house, half the assets, etc., so they decided to seek arrangements on the side. Both of them tried to line that up with me, and they were offering a lot - nice dates, international trips together ("business trips"), gifts, whatever I wanted, basically. Aside from the moral issue that I could never get around, it seemed like a pretty good deal - all the fun stuff with none of the day-to-day annoyances. Their logic was that the wife wasn't holding up her end of the marital bargain, so they were perfectly entitled to get sex elsewhere. Both of them have had secret dalliances and say overall it's improved their marriage, as now they're much less tempted to abandon the wife and family. I eventually cut off all communication and now avoid married/involved men completely.

Seems messed up to me - but I think many, many older couples function this way.

RS, you just described my parent's marriage.  My dad "cheated" on my mom for years however I've come to learn recently that my mom knew about his affairs and was okay with it because she disliked having sex.  They had a very cold marriage and my dad stayed for the kids.  

It was a mutual agreement.

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

My last ex that I discovered was cheating after 4 years. Had been cheating our whole relationship. At some point we had a serious conversation and he told me he could not stop, that he had cheated all of his life, even on his children's mother. He said he could make me fake promises and hold them for a few months but he knows he'll cheat again. He told me his cheating had nothing to do with the love he had for me and asked me to stay and he'll be discreet. I was younger in my late 30s and I was horrified he'd offer this to me. I remember calling my mother and she was A LOT less horrified than me. She even suggested  to consider it if he makes me happy and I like my life. 

I don't know what my bf(ex) will tell me. Depends on his level of honesty. Depends what's the solution for him. 

One thing is sure I don't think like I did when I was 30 or even 40. I am 55 now and I don't see things the same. Things are not always black or white. 

And to finish this, my ex who offered I stay and turned an eye he remarried. She is turning an eye, they've been married 12 years. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[Weezy1973]

37 minutes ago, peach302 said:

He's  trying to make himself feel better now (maybe) Ultimately making up excuses for his behaviour. And how its your fault 😂..its classic. 

Gaeta had actually posted about many of the issues in real-time here on LS. He’s not rewriting history as many cheaters do. And I raised my eyebrows at Gaeta’s attitude in many of these cases (don’t recall if I posted in the threads) and thought to myself that some of those things are bordering on dealbreakers. Gaeta tends to dig her heals in and has a hard time seeing other viewpoints at times. 
 

All that being said, a struggling relationship does not equal cheating. It’s not the cause. Many people have been in difficult relationships but still haven’t cheated. He cheated because he’s a cheater. There’s not much else to say. Some people see cheating as an option in their lives, others don’t. He does.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Gaeta]

I think it's too painful for me to make a definite cut in my head, I let myself think 'maybe' so I don't have to deal with the loss right now, it kind of delays the pain to hit full blast. 

[Happy Lemming]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes to neglected him and took him for granted.

I've learned a lot about women, relationships, etc. as I have read Loveshack.

My girlfriend and I went through a "bump in the road" (nothing sexual, though) at about our 5 year mark (and I thought about dumping her), then I started reading "Loveshack" (not posting/just reading). I learned a lot, how "V" thinks, how she reacts, her good points and bad points. I also learned a little bit about myself.

For us... neither of us had been in a relationship over 5 years, so we were both in uncharted waters, but we talked and got through this "bump in the road".  We were both at fault, so "split liability" applied here.   I'm kind of glad that I got a different perspective on basically everything (as we approach our 9 year mark).

I'm not suggesting anything to you Gaeta, but your posts appear to be the same "split liability" that I faced.

[peach302]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Gaeta had actually posted about many of the issues in real-time here on LS. He’s not rewriting history as many cheaters do. And I raised my eyebrows at Gaeta’s attitude in many of these cases (don’t recall if I posted in the threads) and thought to myself that some of those things are bordering on dealbreakers. Gaeta tends to dig her heals in and has a hard time seeing other viewpoints at times. 
 

All that being said, a struggling relationship does not equal cheating. It’s not the cause. Many people have been in difficult relationships but still haven’t cheated. He cheated because he’s a cheater. There’s not much else to say. Some people see cheating as an option in their lives, others don’t. He does.

Yeah but he's bringing up  all those negative things though. Almost trying to excuse himself. Otherwise why even mention the list?

And i think i said earlier if hes not happy he should have went his own way instead of cheating. 

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by peach302

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Yeah but he's bringing  all those negative things up though. Almost trying to excuse himself. Otherwise why even mention the list?

And i think i said earlier if hes not happy he should have went his own way instead of cheating. 

 

When couples are in a big arguments all types of things are said. We bring back old issues, current issues, past relationships issues even. It's a big melt pot and people are raw and hurt. I attacked him, he went on the defensive, it's human. Even cheaters are human. 

As for him not being happy....he had issues, I had issues, but we were not unhappy. A few hours before this blow out he was telling me how much he's a lucky man to have me. Like I said it's not all white or all black. 

[peach302]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When couples are in a big arguments all types of things are said. We bring back old issues, current issues, past relationships issues even. It's a big melt pot and people are raw and hurt. I attacked him, he went on the defensive, it's human. Even cheaters are human. 

As for him not being happy....he had issues, I had issues, but we were not unhappy. A few hours before this blow out he was telling me how much he's a lucky man to have me. Like I said it's not all white or all black. 

Ok so it was a back and forth.

He wasnt unhappy or dissatisfied as you say, then it's in his nature. He wanted what he had with you and to also satisfy his needs elsewhere. 

And what kind of response  is he doesn't know why he did what he did, maybe theres something wrong with him.

Something is off there. That's for sure. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by peach302