Betrayed, again

[elaine567]

Few can bed five women in a short period of time from a standing start.
I guess he has been doing this for a while... maybe even for a very long time.
I know he works hard but did it never cross your mind, he was up to no good when you only saw him 5 nights out of 7 after almost 5 years.
Sounds like a great arrangement for a guy who is not entirely monogamous.
Please do not take him back, I see no happiness ahead if you do.
Sorry!

[Cookiesandough]

My thoughts exactly. A very a bad feeling that this has been going on for a long time. I would be quite surprised if it were just this five.  And it does put a new context to all those “late nights” he had. It really sucks

[stillafool]

(((((HUGS)))),  I'm so, so sorry this happened to you Gaeta.  You deserve so much better.

[OnlyHonesty]

If you haven't done so already, your first priority should be to get yourself tested to make sure he didn't pass on anything to you.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I know he works hard but did it never cross your mind, he was up to no good when you only saw him 5 nights out of 7 after almost 5 years.

No, if l called at night  he'd pick up and l hear power tools in the back ground. He stayed at his place when he worked really late cause his place is closer to work. I live off the Island. What got me suspicious is he started finding excuses to not be here on Saturday nights.  That started on and off a couple months ago.

[Gaeta]

We agreed over the phone yesterday he would come and get his things and would do that quietly to not alarm my teen girl. I've managed to not cry in front of her. She's asked me like 20 times if i'm ok. My face is so puffy from lack of sleep and sadness. I told her X is not gonna come over for a while and that makes me sad but l'll be ok to not worry about me. 

[Blind-Sided]

All I can say is I'm sorry for what you are going through. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

We agreed over the phone yesterday he would come and get his things and would do that quietly to not alarm my teen girl. I've managed to not cry in front of her. She's asked me like 20 times if i'm ok. My face is so puffy from lack of sleep and sadness. I told her X is not gonna come over for a while and that makes me sad but l'll be ok to not worry about me. 

I hope you're okay, Gaeta.  I know you're just a LS friend, but I've been thinking of you all day.  

Your situation has hit me hard for some reason, not only because of the hurt you're feeling, but I'm getting married next year and I'm thinking if this could happen to you after 5 beautiful years, it could happen to me too, and it scares me.

Today my fiance and I went out for lunch (restaurants are open for outdoor dining) and I presented him with the question:  

If I became unwell, or temporarily disabled or when experiencing menopause down the road or otherwise unable to have sexual relations, how would you handle that?  

And he responded:  You mean would I step out on you, on us, and cheat?   I was a bit surprised he knew where I was going with that, but he answered truthfully that he would NEVER (with emphasis) step out without discussing with me first.  We once discussed opening our relationship, but ultimately decided against. 

That was honest as per his usual style even if it's not something I particularly wanted to hear (like I would NEVER cheat!).  But it was real, not some fluff like some other men have handed down, which I prefer.  Be straight with me, keep it real.  I feel safer that way, makes it easy to trust that he will always be truthful. 

What troubles me most about your situation Gaeta is not the sex necessarily (although that's troubling especially during Covid), but the deception, the lies. 

He did not have to lie, did he?   He could have come to you first and talked about it, no?  Discussed opening up the relationship at least temporarily?  Would you have been open to that?  

I guess you'll never know now since he chose to cheat instead. . 

What's also troubling is he chose to put you and both your daughters at risk for covid which reflects such a lack of care and disregard.  Thank the lord he didn't pass anything on.  

Arghh just makes me so angry that some men can behave this way, again I am so so sorry.  

I can sense from your posts a certain numbness, which is normal, I felt same years back when my ex and I broke up. 

Please know when the shock wears off, we are all here for you.  I mean we are here for you now, but if you ever feel like screaming, or crying, or simply to vent, we are here for you. I'm sure you know that too being a member here for many many years.  

Such a cliche but time does heal, I know you know that too.  

I wrote this post Gaeta because you seem to be a very lovely and forgiving person and I'm concerned you might go back. 

And I, as I know others, believe you deserve sooooo much better than this.

I'm happy to hear your dog is okay too. 

Hang in G, stay strong.  xoxo

 

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[hippychick3]

Oh Gaeta, I am shocked and so sad. I literally gasped out loud when I read this. I know how happy you were and was rooting so much for both of you. You didn’t deserve this and there should be no forgiveness for this level of betrayal. I’m sorry. You seem like an amazingly strong woman. Many hugs for you. 

[Datergirl]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's devastating to know that your partner has been deceiving you in this way. It's not something I could ever see myself working through. I'd never trust them again and that's not how I want to live. 

I'd hope a partner would explicitly tell me how badly it was affecting him and that if things didn't improve he would be moving on. It's the lack of communication that would upset me more. The sneakiness of it. 

Obviously you have to make your own decision. 

It will stop hurting with time. Take some time to focus on you, do the things you love, pit put yourself first and be selfish for a while. Take care of yourself. 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He did not have to lie, did he?   He could have come to you first and talked about it, no?  Discussed opening up the relationship at least temporarily?  Would you have been open to that?  

I think he did tell me and I didn't take him seriously. I remember we spoke about beautiful women being cheated on like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston and his opinion on the subject was very strong, these women must have been cold in bed, a man has basic needs and he gets fed up after a while. I never took these comments of his seriously, I'd tell him to stop speaking silly. Now thinking back he did give me warnings and signs, they were not directed at me but they were clear messages of what he could not put up with. I was so certain of his love for me, and I kept hearing from family and friends how much that man loves me, I thought I had all the time of the world to get back to sex 

I had a friend who caught her boyfriend 4-5 years chatting up with several women and meeting some of them.  I remember being outraged at his behavior and pushed for her to leave him. I hated this man for hurting my friend and in my mind it was impossible for him to  love her and have that behavior. My friend kept saying she beleived him when he told her he loved her. Long story short, he went to therapy for his problems and they're still together and seem happy. I've been thinking a lot about her. 

I've been considering a lot of things. My ex cheated on me and swore he loved me and begged for me to stay and I left. My current boyfriend does the same, chances are the next man will do the same? and I will go through life going from man to man untill I find a faithful one but then we'll have other problems. My first husband never cheated on me in our 15 years but our marriage was hell on and off. He too complained at times we didn't have enough sex. Was our marriage hell because of that? was my current relationship so good because my (ex)bf got what he needed physically so he didn't build resentment toward me?.......so many questions.  

I know I will be judge for it but if I had a magic wand I would rewind the last 2 days and not look at his phone bill.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Today my fiance and I went out for lunch (restaurants are open for outdoor dining) and I presented him with the question:  
If I became unwell, or temporarily disabled or when experiencing menopause down the road or otherwise unable to have sexual relations, how would you handle that?  
And he responded:  You mean would I step out on you, on us, and cheat?   I was a bit surprised he knew where I was going with that, but he answered truthfully that he would NEVER (with emphasis) step out without discussing with me first.  We once discussed opening our relationship, but ultimately decided against. 
That was honest as per his usual style even if it's not something I particularly wanted to hear (like I would NEVER cheat!).  But it was real, not some fluff like some other men have handed down, which I prefer.  Be straight with me, keep it real.  I feel safer that way, makes it easy to trust that he will always be truthful. 

Ok it made you feel better but what else was he going to say?
Fine to say I will tell you if I am going to step out, but that gets put to the side as circumstances can dictate otherwise.
"If I tell her she will be angry, upset, hurt and sad and will leave or tell me to leave, or nothing will be the same ever again, so I will say nothing..."

Truth is a cheater will lie to your face about their intentions and actions, that is the problem.
 

Edited November 23, 2020 by elaine567
spacing

[Gaeta]

Now he's giving me the silent treatment. I need access to my winter tires in my shed  but the front of the shed is full of heavy stuff that belongs to him. I called him and left a voice mail and hours later I left a text message explaining the situation. He read my messages but he's not replying. I know he's hurting too, he's probably embarassed, and all what a man must feel when he gets caught but geezzzzzz I'm the one who got betrayed!

[gaius]

Honestly Gaeta this isn't a therapy issue. It's not you two hitting a rough patch and just needing to talk it out  This guy is a professional cheater. The skillset required to juggle that many women in such a short a time frame takes a while to develop. Even the fact he's not talking to you now is a manipulative effort to make you feel like it was your fault. There's no guilt, no remorse, just manipulation.

Many women marry professional cheaters. They find ways to live with it. They know he's cheating but value the life they have together more than his fidelity. Like Carmela Soprano. You're not going to get this guys true fidelity. So if you want to hang on to the life you two have you're going to have to find a way to cope with that. Or he might even decide to get rid of you if you cause too much trouble for him and his lifestyle.

[Gaeta]

A lot of things are getting back to me. Like when we had group conversations about fidelity and he would say men are not made for monogammy. Of course it would get the women of the group in an uproar and I thought he said that to be funny. 

I have been living with blinders on. 

[peach302]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

A lot of things are getting back to me. Like when we had group conversations about fidelity and he would say men are not made for monogammy. Of course it would get the women of the group in an uproar and I thought he said that to be funny. 

I have been living with blinders on. 

Monogamy is a choice. This guy has loose morals and thats all it is.

If that was me and my partner said this..i would probably not have proceeded any further. A huge red flag.

Therefore its quite possible you had blinders on. 

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by peach302

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A lot of things are getting back to me. Like when we had group conversations about fidelity and he would say men are not made for monogammy. Of course it would get the women of the group in an uproar and I thought he said that to be funny. 

And to add to that he was asked what he'd do if I cheated on him and he said he would never leave me for that. 

It was all laid in front of  me, I refused to see it. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, gaius said:

Honestly Gaeta this isn't a therapy issue. It's not you two hitting a rough patch and just needing to talk it out  This guy is a professional cheater.

His phone bill ran from September 28 to October 28. I identified 6 numbers that he called often. Out of those 6 I called 4. Out of those 4 I got confirmation 3 of them he met a couple of times and had sex. One of those 4 I called she was from out of town and they spoke on the phone. The 2 numbers I didn't call one of them was from out of town. 

He slept at my place 6 nights a week, he was aligning his ducks to fall on that 1 free night he had. 

 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, cheating is just so so wrong.  It's deception and lies.  

That said, some couples can recover like your friend.  It forces a couple to acknowledge problems in the relationship that may have been buried. They seek therapy, those issues are brought to the surface to be addressed and resolved. 

Many men, many people, do not believe in monogamy.  It doesn't mean they have "loose morals" or lack boundaries, it only means their moral standards and boundaries are different from those who believe in forever lasting monogamy.  

Which, and I will probably get blasted for this, is not always realistic.  

BUT there is no cheating, it's open. Like polyamory for example.

When your friend's husband cheated, was it during covid putting her at risk for a disease that has the potential to kill her?  

Did he stonewall her afterwards, punish her for being hurt and upset?  The way your boyfriend is doing now?

To me, these things are equally as egregious as the cheating.  

Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfieldsI believe it can force a couple to acknowledge buried problems, like how I failed my role as a lover in our relationship. When he tells me he came last even after the dog, I believe him too. I imposed a lot of things on him. I may not deserve to be cheated on but I have a part of responsibility here that I will take. 

My friend story happened 3 years ago or so. They both gave each other the silent treatment. I'm sure therapy helped them both to communicate better. It was not covid but my friend carries hsv2 and failed to tell him. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

his opinion on the subject was very strong, these women must have been cold in bed, a man has basic needs and he gets fed up after a while.

Nonsense. Women have exactly the same 'needs' sexually/for intimacy as men. He's just making excuses for his own cold behaviour towards sex.

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was all laid in front of  me, I refused to see it. 

How could you- you trusted him. Stop blaming yourself. It's up to you what you do next or if you take him back, but at least now you know what he's really like.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfieldsI believe it can force a couple to acknowledge buried problems, like how I failed my role as a lover in our relationship. When he tells me he came last even after the dog, I believe him too. I imposed a lot of things on him. I may not deserve to be cheated on but I have a part of responsibility here that I will to take. 

My friend story happened 3 years ago or so. They both gave each other the silent treatment. I'm sure therapy helped them both to communicate better. 

I'm curious why you're not addressing my question re covid.  

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Ellener said:

Nonsense. Women have exactly the same 'needs' sexually/for intimacy as men.

Intimacy yes but a lot of women experience a drop of libido when they get to my age. Honestly I desire my bf, I find him sexy and desirable but I could easily go without sex for weeks. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious why you're not addressing my question re covid.  

I'm sorry I thought I answered, no it was not during the covid. Yes I am mad he could bring covid back home, especially I decided to not visit my family during the  holidays and stay home to avoid getting and spreading it. I did not mention the covid to him, I was too raw from everything else. 

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Intimacy yes but a lot of women experience a drop of libido when they get to my age. Honestly I desire my bf, I find him sexy and desirable but I could easily go without sex for weeks. 

And so could he!

He's not 'marriage material' Gaeta, life happens, it's not all about him and his sex drive.