Betrayed, again

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually remember something about Gaeta's bf that was a giant red flag. This was right towards the beginning of their relationship. He stopped answering her texts and calls and cut her off completely. Gaeta thought he ghosted her and didn't know why so she kept attempting to contact him. This went on for a while (I think it was few weeks of completed silence). Then one day, he just reappeared like nothing has happened and told Gaeta that he lost his phone and that's why he couldn't contact her. I very strongly remember thinking "wow, this man is a liar". This doesn't surprise me at all.

But looking at it more optimistically, Gaeta had few happy years with this man....

 

[Gaeta]

It was 4 days and he had lost his phone. I'm not rewritting about this after 5 years. We were not even exclusive at the time.

And revealing you are a victim of abuse to someone new is not a good idea as you don't know if he's not another abuser who'll see this as a weakness

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Gaeta

[Libby1]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

In my 3 years of dating I had no problems landing dates, lots of dates. I had a weakness for hotties, younger hot guy, bodybuilders, men with an edge, etc. I was told 100 times on here to change my ways and aim at more regular men. I did. I told my story often here, after meeting bf for the first time I did not feel enough attraction for a second one but, because my usual taste in men didn't work, I made myself go on a 2nd date, a 3rd and he soon won me over. It was a slow developing relationship, he told me his first ILY heading on 5 months dating. So no, he was not the usual bad boy, love bombing type. He was just a regular joe blow. 

If I were in your town, and Covid wasn't on the go, I'd be saying "come on Gaeta...we're going to go and get our hair and nails done, chill out in a spa, eat coffee and cake.  And then we're going to binge watch Downton Abbey."  Because at the end of the day, this only happened a few days ago and so it's all way too raw to be sitting down and treating what's happened as a learning & personal growth exercise.   Who's to even say you need to make a decision about your relationship right now?   It isn't a case of "you have 24 hours to make the right decision, and the clock starts ticking now...choose wisely." 

This is a time for self care, pampering and doing stuff that helps to lift you up.  Decisions about the relationship can wait.  Obviously in a relationship there's always the potential for the other person to make a post-relationship-crisis decision before you have a chance to, but it sounds as if your partner is shutting himself away just now, and probably isn't going to make any sort of decision.  Which leaves you free to take your time, engage in some proper self care, chat to friends and generally push away all the pressure to make a decision right now...or to enter into any sort of painful self analysis in a group therapy setting.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Libby1

[lurker74]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He told me he understood my menopause was hard and he will be patient then Saturday he accused me of abandonning him and putting him last so l guess it means he is resentful and has not reached forgiveness yet.  Yes we do have the same values on a lot of things. 

@Gaeta, I would suggest you stop thinking of him, or anyone else including yourself, as a single entity. Just because we use the word "I" to refer to ourselves does not mean we are a unified entity.

He does understand your menopause and is sympathetic. Another "I" in him feels abandoned and whispers to himself that he should stray... It whispers that it's ok because it's your fault and the fault of him being Caribbean. How he acts determines which "I" is in charge at the time.

With you, there's an angry "I" and an "I" that doesn't want to give up a kind man. There's an "I" that knows you need more intimacy with your BF and sincerely promised to work on it and another that was not beholden to that promise because she didn't make it.

This doesn't excuse behavior, only helps you to understand it, yours and his. And when you understand it, you can work on changing it, if you really want to.

[Lisa]

Thread reopened at @Gaeta's request.

[Ruby_Red]

What’s new, @Gaetagirl?

[Gaeta]

It is over.

The week break turned into 2 weeks break,  he didn't return my texts or calls so I packed all his things that were still here and I dropped them in his apartment. I knew he was not home. I was not looking for a confrontation. It felt good, I had been living with a pain in my chest for 2 weeks, barely sleeping and eating. I drove back home and called my brother crying like a baby. I then called my mom, and everyone knows now. I have a lot of support now. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It is over.

The week break turned into 2 weeks break,  he didn't return my texts or calls so I packed all his things that were still here and I dropped them in his apartment. I knew he was not home. I was not looking for a confrontation. It felt good, I had been living with a pain in my chest for 2 weeks, barely sleeping and eating. I drove back home and called my brother crying like a baby. I then called my mom, and everyone knows now. I have a lot of support now. 

My stomach just dropped. I'm so so sorry Gaeta.  I can only imagine. 

I will refrain from providing my thoughts about "him," suffice it to say they are NOT good. 

Please continue reaching out, you have got tons of support here!  ((HUGS))

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby_Red]

I am so sorry, Gaeta! But I’m happy to hear you feel some relief. ❤️

[Gaeta]

He had 2 big barrels in my shed, l empty them and rolled them to the garbage bin. I had text him twice about these l could not move them. It took me 45 minutes just to move one out of my shed.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry this didn't work out as you hoped. Breakups are never easy. Be good to yourself. You'll get through this and I think in the long run you'll be better off. (((hug)))

[Acacia98]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It is over.

The week break turned into 2 weeks break,  he didn't return my texts or calls so I packed all his things that were still here and I dropped them in his apartment. I knew he was not home. I was not looking for a confrontation. It felt good, I had been living with a pain in my chest for 2 weeks, barely sleeping and eating. I drove back home and called my brother crying like a baby. I then called my mom, and everyone knows now. I have a lot of support now. 

I'm sorry Gaeta. 

[Gaeta]

Everyone I told were in disbelief. My brother was a great support. His first wife cheated on him. He said to me if ever I wanted to give it a 2nd chance he'd support me no matter what but that connection I felt before the cheating it's gone, it will never go back to that. It really sink into me. 

[Gaeta]

And all that talk of open relationship I did on here was done out of pain. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I am so sorry. Sending a virtual hug....went through that two years ago and things will get better even though it doesn’t feel that way. Fortunately you live in a dynamic and lively city, and will no doubt find a better fit if and when the time is right. (McGill grad here 🙂 - love MTL)

[Gaeta]

He sent me long messages early like 5h am. In short he was saying he takes full responsibility for what he did and nothing I did or did not do in our relationship justified his actions and he was sorry for the pain he's putting me through. He spoke about needing professional help and getting himself centered again. 

It was not a message to rail me in, it was an apology and an acknowledgement. We have no reason to speak again. It's like the final note. The end. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

It's sad, but it's probably better that way.  I have zero doubt you WILL get past it.   (((Gaeta)))

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 11/26/2020 at 8:31 AM, Gaeta said:

 

I'm editing my post because I hadn't read your recent update before replying to a post in which you responded to my earlier one.

I'm so sorry for your pain but believe this is the best case outcome for you though it really hurts, rather than dragging things out. I'm so glad you have lots of family support. Good for you in taking his things to his place while he's not there.  He will see you're not holding out hope for him and that's a good thing for him to realize! Plus it makes it cleaner for you to move on. Hugs to you, Gaeta.

Edited December 8, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[neowulf]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It is over.

The week break turned into 2 weeks break,  he didn't return my texts or calls so I packed all his things that were still here and I dropped them in his apartment. I knew he was not home. I was not looking for a confrontation. It felt good, I had been living with a pain in my chest for 2 weeks, barely sleeping and eating. I drove back home and called my brother crying like a baby. I then called my mom, and everyone knows now. I have a lot of support now. 

I'm so sorry Gaeta.  At least the living in limbo is over now.  Please take care of yourself.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm so glad you have lots of family support.

I am very lucky to be part of this close knitted family and have colleagues of 18+ years together who really care. And of course all of you, I feel your sincere sentiments.

On a lighter note my daughter said : so mom how does it feel to know your entire family speaks of your sex life now. Silly kid :-)

I belong in the coping section now.

 

 

[introverted1]

I'm so sorry @Gaeta.  I know this hurts.  Sending you much strength.

[lana-banana]

Gaeta, I'm so sorry, but am so impressed with how honest and strong you've been through this. We all do and say wild things when we're hurting, but most of us aren't willing to admit when the pain is talking.

Speaking of pain, I'm not suggesting you can let me know if you need his tires slashed, but I'm also not NOT suggesting that.

So many hugs and so much love to you. You're amazing. Keep on keeping on.

[hippychick3]

I’m so sorry for your pain. His decision to not continue is a blessing in disguise for you. It could never be the same again once that trust was broken. And you’re too loyal and strong of a woman to make the allowances that would be needed to keep him. 

[Cookiesandough]

Hugs and healing thoughts to you, Gaeta

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry Gaeta.  Just take care of you.  (((HUGS)))!!!!