Betrayed, again

[Cookiesandough]

I was just speaking on how the ability to rationalize behavior we once found intolerable can sometimes be a trickle effect that leads to the behavior being normalized/tolerated. Not in every case, but in the case of some physical abuse, some emotional abuse(which I believe serial infidelity often falls under), and the case of your bfs cheating. That’s all I was saying. Not necessarily in every case

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[lana-banana]

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am tired about people bringing up this 1 week cool down as something evil. I have said in this thread he can't mentally deal with highly stressful situation. I am not defending him I am explaining to you a FACT. He has a mental blockage and he goes into a very dark place and it takes days for him to come back at the surface. I have witnessed it, my daughter as well. Now, you want him to do something he is mentally incapable. I can disagree all I want it STILL is his reality!! 

If he is "mentally incapable" of dealing with a stressful situation that he created, he absolutely cannot be a reliable partner.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

How's today going @Gaeta? What will you do tomorrow with your family? ( it's Thanksgiving Day here for those overseas )

Hi 🙂

I'm in Canada but l have a 4 day weekend as l work for an American company. I have a full 4 days, got new furniture coming in, l have paint to finish, winter boots shopping for my kiddo, and got a sewing project to work on. I have enough to keep busy.

[BaileyB]

You are assuming because he is very vanilla with you, because he uses protection with you, that he would do the same with another woman. That’s not necessarily true. You don’t know what he has done with these women. His behavior is that of a very promiscuous man. It’s not like he found one woman and had sex with that one woman, to limit the risk to everyone involved. Let’s not forget that you have an STD, and he put these other women at risk (albeit, you use protection). He put at least five people at risk with his decisions. I’m respectfully suggesting that you shouldn’t make any assumptions. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

I'm suggesting none of you make assumptions either. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

If he is "mentally incapable" of dealing with a stressful situation that he created, he absolutely cannot be a reliable partner.

This is turning into cheap psychology.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s not forget that you have an STD, and he put these other women at risk 

I beg to differ. These women put themselves at risk.

[lana-banana]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is turning into cheap psychology.

Gaeta, you are the one telling us he is unable to handle stress, who is so lacking in basic coping skills that he literally runs away from his problems. You even used the term "mentally incapable". Serial cheating and dishonesty aside, you would not say a grown man who runs away from his problems has the ability to be a good partner.

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Nothing comes to mind.

Just to confirm; no number. If it’s a hundred women since you’ve been together and you believed you were in a monogamous relationship? No problem with him leading you to believe it was a monogamous relationship, when for him it wasn’t? No judgment from me, just seeing what your core values are.

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

 the ability to be a good partner.

 

Aside the cheating he was an excellent partner. He was present, supportive, helpful, loving, comprehensive, comforting, reliable.

[Watercolors]

Gaeta I am reading through this thread and wondering...why did you create it? It doesn't seem to be helping you as its just people expressing their opinions and you rejecting all the advice that people offer you.

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Just to confirm; no number. If it’s a hundred women since you’ve been together and you believed you were in a monogamous relationship? No problem with him leading you to believe it was a monogamous relationship, when for him it wasn’t? No judgment from me, just seeing what your core values are.

So now l have to give you guys a number of women l find acceptable.....l'll see how l feel when l get the details. I don't need to come up with possible scenarios, hurtful for nothing

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I beg to differ. These women put themselves at risk.

I don’t disagree. They are responsible for their own decisions.

I wonder, did he tell these women that he was potentially exposing themselves to an std? Did he tell them that he was in a long term relationship with a woman who has an std and that he was having sex with not just you, but multiple partners?

Surely he has some responsibility here. I can’t imagine that he was truthful with them. He was not truthful with you. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So now l have to give you guys a number of women l find acceptable.....l'll see how l feel when l get the details. I don't need to come up with possible scenarios, hurtful for nothing

No, you don’t need to do anything. When these things happen that shake our reality, getting to our core values is important. You believed you were in a monogamous relationship and he didn’t. Is that important to you? 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Gaeta I am reading through this thread and wondering...why did you create it? It doesn't seem to be helping you as its just people expressing their opinions and you rejecting all the advice that people offer you.

It's more like some people here reject what l say. I say he has problems dealing with stress, it's a fact, and instead of considering this information they turn it into me defending him.

Some of you are like vultures, more l bleed more you pick at me.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's more like some people here reject what l say. I say he has problems dealing with stress, it's a fact, and instead of considering this information they turn it into me defending him.

Some of you are like vultures, more l bleed more you pick at me.

I’m sorry that you feel that way. Take care of yourself. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Did he tell them that he was in a long term relationship with a woman who has an std 

BaileyB this is the last of my worries. It's herpes not cancer.  Each woman is responsible of her sexual health. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's too heavy for me, he will get them eventually. He can drop by when l'm not there, my teen can let him in, she has online school during covid.

 

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Unlocking the door isn't a responsability. My teen is not aware of what happenned. 

Nothing is decided we have not spoken.

 

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My teen has a new love interest.

She talks about him allll the time. She's full in puppy love, she would not notice a bulldozer digging in our front yard. 

Gaeta, you've a lot on your mind trying to sort things out right now. And may come to this conclusion on your own. But, the relationship this man has with you and those you love is in the past. You have discovered he's not who he has been pretending to be. That's not to say you won't rebuild a relationship with him based on who you've discovered him to be.

But if you keep your relationship with him you're going to have to face the fact he's not who you thought he was. You will be building a relationship with a person who is someone other than the guy in the past.

That said, please don't have him there with your teen without you there. Not even for a minute.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not saying he'll hurt your teen. What I AM saying is that you don't know who this man is or what could happen. Not even physically but emotionally, what he may say to her. She is at a very impressionable stage. She thinks highly of this man. She doesn't have the maturity to cope with any aspect of this with him.

Don't allow her to open the door to him, seriously. Don't put her in that position. It's not fair to her or to you.

Be there yourself and have another adult with you. Surely you know a man or woman who can be there when he picks the things up.

Edited November 26, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 You believed you were in a monogamous relationship and he didn’t. Is that important to you? 

I'm sorry this thread is exhausting at times so l don't fully understand your question. Yes it's a big betrayal he made me beleive we were in a monogamous relationship.

[Ruby_Red]

4 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

 

 

Gaeta, you've a lot on your mind trying to sort things out right now. And may come to this conclusion on your own. But, the relationship this man has with you and those you love is in the past. You have discovered he's not who he has been pretending to be.

That said, please don't have him there with your teen without you there. Not even for a minute.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not saying he'll hurt your teen. What I AM saying is that you don't know what could happen. Not even physically but emotionally, what he may say to her. She is at a very impressionable stage. She thinks highly of this man. She doesn't have the maturity to cope with any aspect of this with him.

Don't allow her to open the door to him, seriously.

Be there yourself and have another adult with you. Surely you know a man or woman who can be there when he picks the things up.

Jesus Back off. It’s not like he’s a criminal or something - yes he made a mistake - but having to protect a 16-year-old from him? that’s really not necessary I’m sorry. Let’s please be reasonable and keep things in perspective.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Be there yourself and have another adult with you. Surely you know a man or woman who can be there when he picks the things up.

Thank you for your concern. You are 100% right. Under our current circumstances l do not know in what frame of mind he is. Thank you so much for pointing that to me and l will make a point of being there.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Ruby_Red said:

Jesus Back off. It’s not like he’s a criminal or something - yes he made a mistake - but having to protect a 16-year-old from him? that’s really not necessary I’m sorry. Let’s please be reasonable and keep things in perspective.

In 5 years he has never swore once. He's not agressive, he's never been mean, never raised his voice. It's the smart way for me to be there though. 

[SarahWins]

Ok, from what I got from this thread - some points that come to mind that you probably can think about before making a decision: 
1) you've been together from 5 years - but drifting away (less sex, probably somewhat less emotionally attached?) - was it due to the circumstances (foster child, menopause), or was it because the relationship was naturally running it's course (not progressing)?
2) he was a good partner - but was he really or he was just non-threatening (not swearing, not abusive etc)? There is a difference
3) do you love him or the companionship? can you love him knowing he's non-committal (seems like he cheated to his ex - so it's not a random episode)?
4) him having a mental block is not that uncommon, it's  a sign of avoidant personality. Can you handle this as is? It's just who he is, I don't think that's 'playing'
5) how do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Can you imagine him being in the picture after what you currently know about him and his behavior?
 

[LivingWaterPlease]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In 5 years he has never swore once. He's not agressive, he's never been mean, never raised his voice. It's the smart way for me to be there though. 

So glad to read this, Gaeta. That is the smart lady writing that we've come to expect from you!

Your reality has been shaken but you are in the process of sorting things out and I have confidence you will continue to set things in their proper order all around as you contemplate what he has chosen to do and determine how you'll deal with it.

Two weeks ago you would have added to the descriptive list above about him not being aggressive, nor mean, nor raising his voice, that he is not a cheater or a liar. But, you would have been mistaken. You know he has been pretending to be something he is not. That goes for everything about him and that's one problem with having a relationship with a deceiver. You really never know who they are.

A person who deceives doesn't just deceive about only one thing in particular. Please weigh that into the equation as you go forward with making decisions about him.

Also, being violent, mean or aggressive are not the only ways having your teen present without you there could hurt you or her. He or she could make a benign comment about the situation that could be innocently misconstrued and cause other issues between the two of you; even logistical issues that could complicate matters. There are many things that could go wrong, even if there's a high probability nothing would. So, anyway, good for you realizing that.

[Gaeta]

Thank you Sarahwins l will give thoughts to those. And no, we were not difting emotionally. Yes he was a good partner for many reasons i've listed here and there in this thread.