clia Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 14 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said: The apartment its self...it's a small 2 bedroom apartment in a not so great town. My bf says I don't seem like a country girl but I am to the core of my being. I love quiet, the sound of tree frogs at night, no neighbors, and a huge yard to garden in. I'm so sad giving up my beautiful little house in the country to move to the concrete jungle. I really feel I'm going to deteriorate at his place. But there is a bright side, my bf is currently looking to buy a house but considering the pickings are slim due to COVID, there aren't many options. Although it's not going to be my house my bf is basically letting me pick it out and says he won't move into a house I don't like. He's that sweet. If we can't find a house shortly after I move in we're going to rent one. I won't last long there so I'm happy about that. I don't really understand what the rush is. If he is planning to buy a house anyway, why not just wait until he buys a house? Why move into a small apartment in an area you don't like? It's concerning to me that you are uprooting your entire life, moving in with him, etc., and yet he is planning to buy a house alone. I'm not advocating buying property together before marriage, but you are clearly interested in marriage, the relationship is presumably moving along since you two are moving in together, and yet he is still choosing to buy a place alone, without you. That isn't really the sign of a man who is planning a life with you, in my opinion. He's still lumbering along on his own track. I also don't think it's "sweet" that he's letting you help pick out the house. That's very nice, but why aren't the two of you buying the house together? I will also just say that no matter where you live, a 5 year old is going to 100% affect your sleep and relaxation. Even good kids are loud, messy, and chaotic. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 I strongly agree with the advice to extend your lease a while as you gradually integrate into this new household. You can probably negotiate a month-to-month lease, which will give you a lot of flexibility. I see a lot of myself in you. You have a very romantic, idealistic, and naive view of how life is going to be once you move in. You dive into things eagerly without considering the practical side much. You tell yourself that whatever happens, you'll be OK in the end. You start these threads giving a laundry list of red flags, then when people comment on them, you wave them off because you know better. I get it. Sometimes we can't learn from advice. We have to go through the experiences and learn the lessons ourselves - even though it's a bit painful for onlookers to observe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I get it. Sometimes we can't learn from advice. We have to go through the experiences and learn the lessons ourselves - even though it's a bit painful for onlookers to observe. The difference here is that there is a five year old child involved - and for that reason alone, there is some element of responsible parenting and decision making that is required. It’s not just two people “giving it a try” and if it doesn’t work work out, que sera sera.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: The difference here is that there is a five year old child involved - and for that reason alone, there is some element of responsible parenting and decision making that is required. It’s not just two people “giving it a try” and if it doesn’t work work out, que sera sera.... I completely agree that it's very irresponsible to make this change so suddenly without going through the appropriate process and giving the kid time to adjust. But it's very obvious that both she and her boyfriend are putting their needs and wants above the kid's - something that many, many people do, and there's no law against it, so... 🤷♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 Dis, you are a lovely, competent, intelligent and caring woman..this is clear from your posts. Given my career field I hope you will allow me to be blunt and say that what I find most alarming is that this man has hitched his wagon to two bipolar women in a row. I will not say any more than that except that it is notable and should be to you as well in terms of his disposition in a relationship. You say that you are uncomfortable meeting his ex, but woman, moving in with a guy with a five year old in joint custody...there isn't a 'choice' about meeting. It simply must be done, mature adults in care of a toddler must meet and be a unified parental force. I agree with others that this is simply moving too quickly. Have overnights with the child and lots more time to get to know each other for the child's sake and yours. Keep your place for another year. If what you have is real, what's the harm? You don't want children of your own so what difference would waiting make except to make the mother of his child, the child and you more comfortable? I know that your lease is up but if one more year puts everyone at ease and helps solidify your relationship, it's worth more than money. I don't know if it's you or him pushing this forward but either way, more time would be better for all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: even though it's a bit painful for onlookers to observe. Yes but surely the point of posting in a relationship forum is to try to avoid the pitfalls. This is not Facebook or Instagram where I am sure "congratulations" would be heaped upon the OP. This is an advice forum. This is all about tapping into the experience of others to try to predict how and why things may go wrong so you can change course instead of blindly falling off the cliff. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, Timshel said: You don't want children of your own She does want her own children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Yes but surely the point of posting in a relationship forum is to try to avoid the pitfalls. This is not Facebook or Instagram where I am sure "congratulations" would be heaped upon the OP. This is an advice forum. This is all about tapping into the experience of others to try to predict how and why things may go wrong so you can change course instead of blindly falling off the cliff. Sure. But does anybody get the feeling she's going to listen to any of this advice? I don't think so. Sounds like she's made up her mind and is more trying to convince us it's a good idea than anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said: Sure. But does anybody get the feeling she's going to listen to any of this advice? I don't think so. Sounds like she's made up her mind and is more trying to convince us it's a good idea than anything. Agreed. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 A few thoughts from someone who IS a parent - I don't think most 5 years olds cause "sleepless nights". That's 0-1.5 year olds. Kids need to eventually stop co-sleeping. It happens a LOT earlier than 5 for many. They go on to lead perfectly normal lives. Children can have the "right" way to hold/play with pets explained to them. They can be warned repeatedly that annoyed pets can bite/scratch "and that really hurts!" They can be given appropriate discipline such as time outs or having iPhone/TV privileges temporarily suspended if they play too rough with the pets. NONE of that is any guarantee, but it should help keep issues down to a dull roar. Once they DO fall asleep, young children tend to sleep quite soundly. There will be time for sex, even "wild" sex. That said, IF/when they do wake up, they can still have lots of energy or be frightened and come rushing to the parents bedroom. Locking the door but also being prepared to be interrupted a few times makes sense. If the kid needs attention, put things on hold (or stop completely) and give them the attention they need. Locking the door is so you have a minute to put your clothes back on. Generally speaking, relationships don't continue because "everything's perfect". They continue because both partners want them to and make the effort to continue them. That said, some roads are a lot easier than others. Generally speaking, certainly parenting responsibilities shouldn't be "dumped on" a BF/GF who isn't fully on board - it's unfair to both partner and child. I think the advice to recognize this is a package deal and prepare for that reality makes a lot of sense. So does the advice to consider taking things slower and read some parenting books IMO. Minimizing dealing with the ex should to a large extent should be possible. Minimizing the son is not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 17 minutes ago, Timshel said: Given my career field I hope you will allow me to be blunt and say that what I find most alarming is that this man has hitched his wagon to two bipolar women in a row. Agreed. Is it possible that this man also has issues with mental health? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Agreed. Is it possible that this man also has issues with mental health? No. An online forum isn't the place for assertions of mental health. Dis has been candid of hers and now the ex but is still approached with trepidation. I will say that since Dis' bf has made his ex into a feared character in this relationship that drama may be his main attraction. There is no excuse for a father and co parent of a five year old pitting his gf and mother of his child against each other. Period Mr. Perfect needs to be an arbiter of diplomacy instead of leading Dis to move in without meeting the mother, spending more time with the child and not having the OP thinking calling the police on the mom is a prudent way to become a stepmom. 16 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She does want her own children. "I hate kids." Really? I believe you. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 I have a 5 year old and he is a little monster. He's like a wreaking ball and much of our life is on his terms because he requires so much attention and extra provisions. The ideal that she believes her boyfriend can assure her he wont interrupt her sleep is pure fantasy. I believe if she adjusted her expectations when it happens she won't be as upset. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, Timshel said: "I hate kids." Really? Yes. On 4/19/2020 at 4:03 AM, Disillusionment373 said: I want children of my own one day but I think I'll be one of those moms who loves and adores her own kids but not so much other's. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, Timshel said: An online forum isn't the place for assertions of mental health. It wasn’t an assertion, it was a sincere question for Dis. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 13 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said: He has his son 3 days a week. No more than 2 days back to back. I think I can handle that. That sounds totally manageable on principle. BUT. Circumstances change, kids get sick, parents get sick, holidays are a different pattern, etc so this pattern might not always work. As long as you're prepared for that, should be fine. I agree with posters who have reservations about the drama surrounding the child's mother - this alone would personally make me put the brakes on any relationship - this is the type of 'baggage' I would not want to take on, whatever the reasons behind the situation, whether it be her being unstable, him demonising her, or whatever else, she is the mother of his child. As far as you're concerned, that's the bottom line, regardless of their history (still fresh, by the looks of things). You want to try it out - of course that's totally fine! My only advice would be to extend your lease anyway at least for 6 months, or have a plan B accommodation set up. You need a place to fall back on just in case it all goes pear-shaped. It may work. It may not. I think it's fair to want to give it a try, but not without some sort of back-up plan for your own sake. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 What I want to know is, does the OP want to be talked into it or talked out of it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes. I wasn't being sarcastic, I believe you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 Way. Too. Soon. You've only been dating this guy 8 months, and you've only met his son ONCE! Please don't upend this child's life. Moving in with this child isn't an "experiment" or a "trial run." It's his LIFE. You are messing with his life, and based on everything you've written, it isn't going to turn out well. Renew your lease, do a few extended, multi day stayovers, meet the ex. Slow your roll. If you want this relationship to work, you need to SLOW DOWN. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 1 minute ago, Timshel said: I wasn't being sarcastic, I believe you. I know, I posted for anyone else who wasn't aware. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 16 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said: Relaxing time....once I move in my bf will have his son on all our days off. We work 4 days a week so we will have his son on our 3 days off. Work is very stressful. It just so happens most of my patients at the moment are either psychically or verbally abusive and COVID has made things so much worse. I need to unwind on my days off and I'm so scared I won't get that with a 5 year old running around. ^^^^ I think Dis will go ahead, maybe she will lease her peaceful place for a while longer....either way, ls is here, you know that Dis. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 (edited) I don't understand why people don't stick with their preference. If you don't like kids, then why date someone who has custody of a 5 year old? Or why date someone who has a crazy, disruptive ex. I wouldn't care how great the sex is...those things are deal breakers in my books. Edited July 2, 2020 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 18 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I wouldn't care how great the sex is...those things are deal breakers in my books. The honeymoon period fades, and you are left with a step son and a "crazy" ex 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 2, 2020 Author Share Posted July 2, 2020 9 hours ago, Caauug said: This will never happen, if you are not saving money now at your age you never will. Your BF might but he also has is family to look after that will be hindering his saving ability. There will be no saved money, only lost freedom, yours!! Great, when this all crashes and burns into a huge fireball you will still have to see him at work, good for NC..... NOT!!! I feel the same..... Maybe you should have done some reading about ready made families, I have never looked for anything about the single dads and the warnings that go with it, but there are heaps of reading on single moms and why to avoid them...… Likely some common ground between the two. With combining your and your BF's incomes going to effect what he pays in child support? This would have been a better time to enter the family. I can see why your BF said to sink or swim.... Eeerrrr try living together first to see how it goes before buying a house. It is a big commitment to buy a house.... 34 with long history dating.... And here comes the wall.... BF is a proven provider.... Good Luck. Most of this was pretty mean spirited I would like to talk about all of this but it's hard to do that when people are being mean rather than having a constructive conversation Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 2, 2020 Author Share Posted July 2, 2020 3 hours ago, Timshel said: ^^^^ I think Dis will go ahead, maybe she will lease her peaceful place for a while longer....either way, ls is here, you know that Dis. Well it's hard to talk here and I brought my cat's ashes home so I've been crying all day and now I'm crying again It just gets so negative and hateful 😥 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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