Eek! Moving in with my BF and his son

[Mystery4u]

From your previous mega thread and this one, I sense that you are unable to just say the truth about how you feel - that whilst you love your boyfriend, you would much prefer it if his son was not in the picture at all and basically did not exist.

Is there anything wrong with feeling like this? Off course not, but you need to accept its how you feel.

In my very early twenties I dated an older woman who had a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I got on great with the daughter, she was a really good kid. As time went on though I realised I felt absolutely nothing for the daughter. She was not mine, and there was no way I was going to be able to love a child that was not mine. At the same time I had all these ideas and plans of what I wanted to do for the next few years. Travel the world. Make love with my girlfriend any time I wanted. Not be tied down to what a 3rd person wanted. Basically be 'free' and feel like my girlfriends priority. The relationship carried on as it was my 'first love' so I didn't have the courage to end it. It did end eventually and looking back now I'm so happy it did as it was never going to work, I was not going to be happy.

After that experience I told myself I would NEVER again date a woman who has a child with someone else. It just wasn't for me. I knew what I wanted. To create a child with a woman so it will be mine and I can actually feel love for it.

It really doesn't matter how great and amazing your boyfriend is. He doesn't come by himself, but in a package with his son. You either accept the whole package, and that means putting all of your needs and wants to the side for the foreseeable future, as they are simply not going to be the priority. If you can't do this then you end things.

I think you already know raising someone else's child is not what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure there are a lot of other amazing guys out there with no baggage.

[Juha]

 

as I said before square peg, round hole.  This relationship is not a good fit for you, you are trying to force it to work.

As stated above you could have a parade with the amount of red flags going on here.

 

I do not know if you are trying so hard to make it work instead of looking for a better relationship, situation because of your age or some other reasons.

The time and energy spent on trying to make this work would have been better used to finding a more suitable man and  relationship

I do not see good things happening here for many reasons.  Moving in with a child you have no relationship with is not good.

The actions of you and your bf are provoking the situation and causing issues with the mother.  

How can she be comfortable knowing you do not have any relationship with her son.  She knows nothing about you

Unstable or not this is a bad situation and you and your bf are fanning the flames with the mother

Add in I really do not think you fully understand how little kids work.  To think a 5 year old boy is not going to touch your cat is folly.

 

I wish you luck and hope this works for you

 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Juha

[Dis]

7 minutes ago, Violetstar said:

So, my first question is how long have you been dating him?? Because it doesn't sound like you've known his son for too long. It's always a good idea to see how you three can balance BEFORE moving in. I ABSOLUTELY understand your fears going into this, they are incredibly valid. And, we can't expect you to just dump the guy. I'm sure you love him and you've invested a lot of time and energy into him and this relationship. So, that just leaves you with the option of getting along with his annoying son. 

1. how long have you been dating this guy? how long have you known the son?

2. does the son live there full-time? on weekends? every other weekend?

3. do you see yourself marrying this guy?

In my opinion, if you have dated this guy for a long time and the son is only there PART-TIME, I would say give it a shot. You only have to deal with the kid a couple of times a month, and you can have a very calm and logical discussion with your significant other about any issues his son may be causing in the home. PICK YOUR BATTLES. If you start anything over tiny little issues like not putting the toilet seat back down (this will happen for the next 45 years), it's going to be a very difficult relationship.

Unfortunately, if the kid hasn't already, he will be the cause of about 75% of your arguments so that's why you really need to decide how committed you are to this guy.

EXAMPLE:  My brother fell in love with a girl who had a son. He said that if it weren't for the son, they would be perfectly happy. The son has MAJOR ADHD (I even find him extremely annoying and I actually love kids) and would cause some issues in the house. However, the kid was only there 4 days a week AND because my brother would pick at the little kid for EVERY LITTLE THING he did, it actually made things so much worse. The step son picked up on the jealousy and tension and started intentionally causing fights and causing problems. He basically started battling my brother. So now that my brother MARRIED this girl and constantly complained about his stepson, my sister-in-law no longer believes my brother and constantly sides with her son. And, the stepson bullies their 2-year old baby because of it. 

It's going to be a very tough road ahead of you if you are already sensing problems and tension. You just need to ask yourself whether your significant other is worth it. 

 

Thanks for this! A lot of really good points! 

 

-I've been dating my bf since last October

-I met his son early this month 

-I def see myself marrying him. He is like a dream and that's coming from a 34 year old woman who's done a lot of dating. That's why I won't just give up on him because of my concerns. Yes, I might find a guy without a kid but he wouldn't be anywhere near as wonderful as my bf. He treats me so incredibly well. It's unreal. Don't get me wrong, I know this may not work but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give it a fair shot. 

 

He has his son 3 days a week. No more than 2 days back to back. I think I can handle that. If he had him full-time, nope. His mom also takes his son for overnights which is nice. So we can have date nights. 

 

I thought of the picking at things too. I don't want to do that because once I start picking at everything then all my points become less credible. But he is like all parents, he think his son doesn't have any issues and I think there's a few. Like the sleeping issue. But he's still a good kid and I wouldn't want to say anything that would hurt anyone. He already feels badly about how the split with his ex effected his son and I totally understand that. 

 

But yes, my bf is 100% worth it

[BaileyB]

I tend to agree with Mystery.

My boyfriend is part of a package deal. His son is a good kid, I would do almost anything for him, but I don’t love him in the same way that I love my nieces and nephew, who I have “raised” since I first held them on the day they were born. I would say we are “friends,” not in the way he would be friends with his same age peers. I wouldn’t call myself his step mother, he is 15 years old and he has a mother. We have fun together, but do I enjoy the times when I have his father to myself - absolutely! I have only a few more years until he leaves our home... and we have plans for our life (without child).

You have 15 years with this child in your home... 15 years with three of you in the relationship - him, you, and his ex-wife. I say that because she will influence your life in ways that you don’t appreciate. You feel safe in that she could not physically threaten you - there are other ways she will influence your life. Times when she can not take the child. Money she needs to pay for the child’s expenses. It drives me crazy how a woman I have never met can affect my life - I went alone to my Christmas Day family gathering because she was “tired” and couldn’t pick him up at the agreed upon time. Just you wait... I’m afraid you are being as naive about his ex as you are being about the fact that a five year old in a two bedroom apartment isn’t going to affect your sleep!

[Dis]

11 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

From your previous mega thread and this one, I sense that you are unable to just say the truth about how you feel - that whilst you love your boyfriend, you would much prefer it if his son was not in the picture at all and basically did not exist.

Is there anything wrong with feeling like this? Off course not, but you need to accept its how you feel.

In my very early twenties I dated an older woman who had a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I got on great with the daughter, she was a really good kid. As time went on though I realised I felt absolutely nothing for the daughter. She was not mine, and there was no way I was going to be able to love a child that was not mine. At the same time I had all these ideas and plans of what I wanted to do for the next few years. Travel the world. Make love with my girlfriend any time I wanted. Not be tied down to what a 3rd person wanted. Basically be 'free' and feel like my girlfriends priority. The relationship carried on as it was my 'first love' so I didn't have the courage to end it. It did end eventually and looking back now I'm so happy it did as it was never going to work, I was not going to be happy.

After that experience I told myself I would NEVER again date a woman who has a child with someone else. It just wasn't for me. I knew what I wanted. To create a child with a woman so it will be mine and I can actually feel love for it.

It really doesn't matter how great and amazing your boyfriend is. He doesn't come by himself, but in a package with his son. You either accept the whole package, and that means putting all of your needs and wants to the side for the foreseeable future, as they are simply not going to be the priority. If you can't do this then you end things.

I think you already know raising someone else's child is not what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure there are a lot of other amazing guys out there with no baggage.

That's the thing....

 

I am willing to make sacrifices and to take him on as my own. I had a hard time at first accepting his son as part of the deal but I'm ok with it. I've just never done this before and you can't prepare for parenthood. I have to live this to know. 

 

Might be great. Might not be. But I won't give him up without trying. 

[DKT3]

It doesn't have to be tough. I believe in this situation it will be very difficult because she is entering with unrealistic expectations.  This will cause major issues and ultimately end the relationship. 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by DKT3

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I tend to agree with Mystery.

My boyfriend is part of a package deal. His son is a good kid, I would do almost anything for him, but I don’t love him in the same way that I love my nieces and nephew, who I have “raised” since I first held them on the day they were born. I would say we are “friends,” not in the way he would be friends with his same age peers. I wouldn’t call myself his step mother, he is 15 years old and he has a mother. We have fun together, but do I enjoy the times when I have his father to myself - absolutely! I have only a few more years until he leaves our home... and we have plans for our life (without child).

You have 15 years with this child in your home... 15 years with three of you in the relationship - him, you, and his ex-wife. I say that because she will influence your life in ways that you don’t appreciate. You feel safe in that she could not physically threaten you - there are other ways she will influence your life. Times when she can not take the child. Money she needs to pay for the child’s expenses. It drives me crazy how a woman I have never met can affect my life - I went alone to my Christmas Day family gathering because she was “tired” and couldn’t pick him up at the agreed upon time. Just you wait... I’m afraid you are being as naive about his ex as you are being about the fact that a five year old in a two bedroom apartment isn’t going to affect your sleep!

No of course you're right about these things. I know that and I don't doubt those things at all. I'm prepared for that. 

 

I just meant in terms of her behavior she needs to mind her Ps and Qs. I understand she's upset but I won't tolerate being uncomfortable in my own home when she comes to drop him off. And like I said, I would never be anything but civil towards her. I wouldn't jeopardize their coparenting relationship. 

 

I don't know how I'll feel towards his son. If I'll feel like he's my own or if I won't. But either way I would be good to him. 

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I feel like I'm going to be unsafe if she's there. Unsafe in my own home. 

So why then are you moving in with him?  SMH

Dis, I am really wondering why you created this thread.  You got "beat up" pretty bad in your previous thread, so much so you shut it down.

Virtually everyone telling you what a bad idea this was.

Now, you started this thread, telling us you're actually moving in on July 31st, how did you expect folks would respond?

Except for your initial post, every one.of your posts paints a negative picture of what a bad idea it is.  To which I agree!

Are you simply needing to vent, or do you want to be talked out of it?  Serious question cause something's not quite jiving, imo.

Can you list some positive reasons why moving in with him is a good idea? 

I for one would like to hear from you the positive!

Moving in is a huge step, one that should be filled with joy and excitement, and it sounds like you're  kinda dreading it.

Let's hear the positive!  😍

 

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mystery4u]

19 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

willing to make sacrifices and to take him on as my own. I had a hard time at first accepting his son as part of the deal but I'm ok with it. I've just never done this before and you can't prepare for parenthood. I have to live this to know. 

Might be great. Might not be. But I won't give him up without trying. 

If you have already made up your mind you are going to try and not give up, why exactly did you create this thread?

It seems like you want people to say 'everything will be fine, you will get used to it, you will all be happy together and there will be no problems' in order to make you feel better about the situation, because deep down you already know it's not what you want.

[DKT3]

.I've been hard on her in both threads, but I get what she is thinking.  She knows his kid will be a challenge for her,  but she is willing to try. Nothing wrong with that.  I think her mindset and how they are doing it is the real issue.  It should be much slower.  She should meet the mother,  sit down and have a couple conversations with her. Then do more stuff with the bf and son together. It doesn't have to be so many unknowns entering a cohabitation phase in the relationship. 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

So why then are you moving in with him?  SMH

Dis, I am really wondering why you created this thread.  You got "beat up" pretty bad in your previous thread, so much so you shut it down.

Virtually everyone telling you what a bad idea this was.

Now, you started this thread, telling us you're actually moving in on July 31st, how did you expect folks would respond?

Except for your initial post, every one.of your posts paints a negative picture of what a bad idea it is.  To which I agree!

Are you simply needing to vent, or do you want to be talked out of it?  Serious question cause something's not quite jiving..

Can you list some positive reasons why moving in with him is a good idea? 

 

 

Yes, yes! Sorry! I didn't mean to have a pity parade at all. I guess I just know all the positive reasons already so I just wanted to talk out the negative. 

 

Positives:

-I want to be around my bf all the time. Live with him. Sleep with him. Wake up next to him. Eat with him. Watch TV with him.

-My bf takes care of me. I take care of him. So we would take care of each other while living together. 

-I have fun with my bf no matter what we do. We have great convos and we play and laugh all the time.

-I love to cook and clean. Sounds crazy but I really do love both. I can't wait to cook the three of us dinners and help his son to eat healthier. I'm already looking up recipes for his son that I think he would like.

-I like talking with my bf's son. He talks to me about his games and his videos on his ipad. I like  taking an interest in what he's doing

-Movie nights with the three of us. Popcorn and cuddling. Love to cuddle. 

-Being able to come home with my bf after work

-Work nights with my bfs. Coming home late and staying up chatting

-Redecorating the apartment. Love to decorate.

-Christmas with his son. He's never had a real tree and I love real trees so I figured we could go pick one up this year

-More sex. But that might not happen with his son. But maybe. 

-Doing activities like setting up a tent or playing squirt gun with his son

-Just the general pluses of living with someone. Having them there. Being comfortable with the person. It's comforting living with someone.

-Being the female of the household

-Packing lunches

-Saving a boat load of money living together. It's expensive to live alone. 

 

There we go! Positives!

 

[Dis]

43 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

.I've been hard on her in both threads, but I get what she is thinking.  She knows his kid will be a challenge for her,  but she is willing to try. Nothing wrong with that.  I think her mindset and how they are doing it is the real issue.  It should be much slower.  She should meet the mother,  sit down and have a couple conversations with her. Then do more stuff with the bf and son together. It doesn't have to be so many unknowns entering a cohabitation phase in the relationship. 

Thank you. This is how I feel.

 

You're right that this should've been done at a slower pace but my lease is up July 31st so we just figured we'd go for it. And yes, it's very unsettling that there's so many unknowns going into a new living situation. I'm def scared about that.

 

As for the ex, if she wasn't the way she is I def would've talked to her by now. But because she's not stable I'm scared to be around her and to talk to her and I don't think I'm wrong for that. I'm really just trying to protect myself and ease myself into this. But like you said, there's not much time for that. 

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you decide to move in after meeting the son only one time?  You knew your lease would be up.  In your last thread you talked a lot about how you were taking it slowly.  I have not gone back and looked but if I remember correctly, you and your bf were not going to be ready to even go on casual outings with the child for months.  The end of a lease is a weird reason for people in their 30's - almost 40, for him - to make such  a move on the spur of the moment.   Why did you change right now?  I understand about needing to give it a chance.  Developing a relationship with the kid would have been a part of giving it the best chance.

I am concerned about the intense negativity you are expressing about the child's mother.   Frankly, I  am having less than positive feelings about your bf.  Trash talking the ex is a no-go for me.  You could have had an opportunity to find out about her on your own; instead you're going into this with a terrible opinion of her.  Already prepared to  call the police .  She's going to be ill disposed towards you and furious at her ex for moving a person who is a complete stranger to her AND to her son into the home.  You are expected to parent the child including discipline.  If she reacts  badly, that would be normal.  IMO it was your bf's job to help make this as easy as possible for everyone.  He sure hasn't.

Please consider not closing this thread without exploring some of the recurring points people are making here.  Sure, popcorn, cuddles, sex and saving money are nice but these are hard questions.  Can you go into any of them?

  

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

 

-Saving a boat load of money living together. It's expensive to live alone. 

This will never happen, if you are not saving money now at your age you never will. Your BF might but he also has is family to look after that will be hindering his saving ability. There will be no saved money, only lost freedom, yours!!

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

My bf and I met at work. We're both nurses at the same facility.

Great, when this all crashes and burns into a huge fireball you will still have to see him at work, good for NC..... NOT!!!

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm not a huge fan of kids, tbh.

I feel the same..... Maybe you should have done some reading about ready made families, I have never looked for anything about the single dads and the warnings that go with it, but there are heaps of reading on single moms and why to avoid them...… Likely some common ground between the two. 

With combining your and your BF's incomes going to effect what he pays in child support? 

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

But there is a bright side, my bf is currently looking to buy a house but considering the pickings are slim due to COVID, there aren't many options.

This would have been a better time to enter the family. I can see why your BF said to sink or swim.... Eeerrrr try living together first to see how it goes before buying a house. It is a big commitment to buy a house....

9 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I have a long history dating men who were impatient, temperamental and unkind. He's the first guy I've dated who treats me like a queen.

34 with long history dating.... And here comes the wall.... BF is a proven provider....

Good Luck.

[lana-banana]

One of the biggest red flags in this situation is his ex, but not for the reason you seem to think. She is being held up (by him and you) as a storybook villain, the cause of all his problems, a person with no redeeming qualities, the obstacle between you and happily ever after, etc. This is not only immature and reductive, but it's a clever bit of blame-shifting. Be real: he chose to be her partner. She was in his life because he wanted her to be. If she really is so terrible, what does that say about his judgment and his values?

[elaine567]

 I feel sorry for the cat.
If the kid is going to resent you for sleeping in Daddy's bed and taking Daddy's attention away, then he is likely going to resent the cat, and kids can be very cruel to animals.
His ex is going to be none too happy and may even spur the kid on to be cruel to your cat... Be aware.

This is a very ill thought out plan with or without the cat.
You are so desperate to snare this man that all reason seems to have flown out the window, sorry to say...
 

[Allupinnit]

As someone who married a man with children I agree 100% with whomever said you're in for a HUGE wake up call once you move in and this fantasy you have of playing happy family all becomes reality.

You think he's going to appreciate your new recipes?  LOL. He'll probably beg for Kraft dinner or whatever easy stuff his dad's been making for him up until you showed up, and healthy eating habits or going to be an uphill climb for you if his mom is allowing whatever at her house.  And it's going to frustrate you no end.

Then come your only days off - the ones you'll have the kid.  He'll probably be up at 6am or some other ungodly hour and busting into your room waking up his dad to come watch TV or make him cereal.  And, kids are LOUD.  They scream and yell.  They throw fits.  Maybe he throws things.  You're not going to be able to sleep through that in a 2 BR  apartment.  In fact it doesn't sound like you're ever going to have a day off to yourself if you move in with this guy unless you leave the house for some quiet.  And in an apartment you can't just send him outside to play.  

Oh and your TV?  You can kiss that good-bye until he goes to bed.  Cartoons all day every day.  Personally, I find children's cartoons very annoying.  LOL

I also feel sorry for your cat.  I suspect he/she is going to be spending a lot of time hiding under the bed to get away from this rambunctious five-year-old who will undoubtedly be grabby.

Please, I'm pleading with you for ALL of your sakes.  Especially this little boy whose world is about to be turned upside down again.  Take more time with this.  Sign another 6 month lease and spend more time over there with your bf and his son together.  Meeting him once and deciding to move in is insanity.  You have no idea what you're in for living with someone else's small child - you're not going to love him automatically and so all of these things are going to annoy you in a way that his father just won't see.  

You seem to think that moving in with your boyfriend is going to be all snuggles and family dinners and great sex with the boy in the background for the most part.  You may even come to dread your days off because it means spending them with the boy with no break.  

 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

As someone who married a man with children I agree 100% with whomever said you're in for a HUGE wake up call once you move in and this fantasy you have of playing happy family all becomes reality.

Exactly. Throw in an unhappy ex-wife and a conflict avoidant partner who sees the new girlfriend as reinforcement so that HE can have a break from childcare and this is the perfect storm.... It is insanity, to think about moving in with a man that you have known for about 6 months when you have only met his son once. The fact that your lease is up at the end of the month does not make this a good or reasonable decision. 

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

As someone who married a man with children I agree 100% with whomever said you're in for a HUGE wake up call once you move in and this fantasy you have of playing happy family all becomes reality.

You think he's going to appreciate your new recipes?  LOL. He'll probably beg for Kraft dinner or whatever easy stuff his dad's been making for him up until you showed up, and healthy eating habits or going to be an uphill climb for you if his mom is allowing whatever at her house.  And it's going to frustrate you no end.

Then come your only days off - the ones you'll have the kid.  He'll probably be up at 6am or some other ungodly hour and busting into your room waking up his dad to come watch TV or make him cereal.  And, kids are LOUD.  They scream and yell.  They throw fits.  Maybe he throws things.  You're not going to be able to sleep through that in a 2 BR  apartment.  In fact it doesn't sound like you're ever going to have a day off to yourself if you move in with this guy unless you leave the house for some quiet.  And in an apartment you can't just send him outside to play.  

Oh and your TV?  You can kiss that good-bye until he goes to bed.  Cartoons all day every day.  Personally, I find children's cartoons very annoying.  LOL

I also feel sorry for your cat.  I suspect he/she is going to be spending a lot of time hiding under the bed to get away from this rambunctious five-year-old who will undoubtedly be grabby.

Please, I'm pleading with you for ALL of your sakes.  Especially this little boy whose world is about to be turned upside down again.  Take more time with this.  Sign another 6 month lease and spend more time over there with your bf and his son together.  Meeting him once and deciding to move in is insanity.  You have no idea what you're in for living with someone else's small child - you're not going to love him automatically and so all of these things are going to annoy you in a way that his father just won't see.  

You seem to think that moving in with your boyfriend is going to be all snuggles and family dinners and great sex with the boy in the background for the most part.  You may even come to dread your days off because it means spending them with the boy with no break.  

 

This!  Great advice and hope Dis you will read and take seriously. 

It's been less than a year that you've been dating, what's the rush?  Is your bf pushing for it?

You alluded to that in your previous thread, that he actually wants you to take on the role of stepmom and disciplinarian.

Many thought he's simply looking for second mother for his son.  I dunno if that's true, but this all just seems very off. 

You say you want this relationship to last, eventually marry him.

Well, by moving in with him and son now, you are almost ensuring the opposite will happen.  It might, and most likely will, ruin your relationship for reasons already discussed.

Like you're self-sabotaging or something, which many people aren't even aware they're doing.

Something worth considering.  

Edited July 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Allupinnit]

@BaileyB - yep.  And I lucky that my H's ex is actually pretty easy to get along with.  

[smackie9]

Ok whoa whoa whoa, you haven't even moved in yet! Adjustment of any kind takes time. The kid will get used to sleeping in his own room if your BF stays persistent. Cats do adjust. I had a rescue that lived under the bed for 3 weeks....she got over it....now she rules to house. The ex will flex her muscles for the first while, eventually will lose interest, and move with her life. Before you move in, discuss boundaries and expectations, like chores, paying the bills, level of disciplining the kid, duties of the litter box, respecting privacy and personal property, etc. Once everyone gets settled in, you will all fall into a regular routine. It's not going to be THAT bad.

[Allupinnit]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ok whoa whoa whoa, you haven't even moved in yet! Adjustment of any kind takes time. The kid will get used to sleeping in his own room if your BF stays persistent. Cats do adjust. I had a rescue that lived under the bed for 3 weeks....she got over it....now she rules to house. The ex will flex her muscles for the first while, eventually will lose interest, and move with her life. Before you move in, discuss boundaries and expectations, like chores, paying the bills, level of disciplining the kid, duties of the litter box, respecting privacy and personal property, etc. Once everyone gets settled in, you will all fall into a regular routine. It's not going to be THAT bad.

Of course it's not all that bad.  But getting to that point of harmony will take a few years, compromise, PATIENCE, and a willingness to grow.  And that doesn't come naturally, and the level of commitment it takes just isn't there without marriage.  They are not a family; they're trying things on for size and OP has already expressed dislike for kids and an incredibly naive and unrealistic understanding of what living with her bf and son will be like.  I'm speaking from experience as are the rest of the other posters here who have been there.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Allupinnit

[BaileyB]

@Allupinnit, you forgot to mention how fun it is to clean up after someone else’s mess... Having just cleaned the kitchen, it’s hard not to feel like the maid sometimes... My mom used to complain that she felt the same way, and now I understand. It’s even more challenging to be cleanup after a grown man and a child who is not my son. Sure, it’s romantic to think about cooking new recipes and taking care of this man and his son... you’ll be singing a different tune when you are cooking their meals while they play video games together, cleaning their dishes off the counter, and picking up their stuff all around the apartment. Reality is far from the fantasy...

[Calmandfocused]

I’m astounded that your partner has not considered the impact that this will have on his little boy. You and him are about to turn his safe little world upside down.
 

You say he has Autism/ ADHD? And he’s in the routine of sleeping with his dad? If so these are massive changes for his little brain to cope with. 
 

Dis, this little boy doesn’t even know you. This is incredibly unfair to him. 
 

What is fair is him is that you get to know him and insert yourself into his life gradually so he feels comfortable and safe with you. 
 

This is all wrong and you know it. 
 

Yes this will impact you but the impact will be greater for him. 
 

I don’t want to sound critical as it’s good you’ve met someone you like. However this is selfish behaviour to rush it like you and your partner have chosen to do. 
 

Whether you like it or not there are 3 (4 if you count his ex) people in this relationship and this boy is going to suffer the hardest. 

[introverted1]

Dis, I don't understand why you are moving in with your bf when you haven't even been dating a year. Even without the complication of a 5yo, this is a really quick trajectory.  If it was just you and your bf, you could argue that you're both adults and will deal with come what may.  But there is a child in the mix and, frankly, I think it's irresponsible of your bf to be bringing a new "mommy" onto the scene without knowing that this situation has what it takes to go the distance. The last thing this little boy needs is another "divorce" in his life, which is what he will likely process a breakup between you and his dad as.

I am also concerned that you seem to be looking at this all through the prism of your own comfort and experience.  The child is likely to see you as competition for his dad's time and affection and your bf will have to overcompensate to some extent to provide needed reassurance to his son. Even if you decide that putting up with the 5yo is worth it because you love the dad, there is nothing to say that the 5yo will make the same decision.  Quite frankly, he doesn't have to; his dad will love him regardless. 

Why can't you remain in your country house and continue to be slowly exposed to the son (and vice versa). This gives you and the little boy time to actually develop a bond and also gets you and your bf past the honeymoon stage where you will both have a better understanding of the other's true nature.  If this relationship is right, waiting won't hurt it.