mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 36 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: You feel sorry for him and want us to be delicate with words, and he is tearing apart Lauren. No thanks. Actually, I feel quite sorry for Lauren as well and not overly sorry for him. That's the problem with projecting, you don't really know what you're talking about - just a best guess. I have no idea what you may or may not have done in your life, but I suspect that if I judged "you as a person" on your absolute least ethical moments only, I'd have some pretty choice descriptions as well, ha ha. I actually feel more sorry for you than for him, but that's neither here nor there. People who take the moral high ground when they themselves have no exposure are just as much garbage as anyone they're judging. They're a lot like those bad cops who've caused such problems. I'm the "good guy" so therefore I get to kneel one someone's neck. Yeah right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: He says he is going to call her when he is out of lockdown (ie away from me) because he wants her to hear that he’s genuine. Would you say him saying she is special to him means he loves her? Yes, exactly. He is in love with her and doesn't want to lose her. He's trying to figure out how to convince her to stay after he confirms that you're pregnant (which she likely already has assumed) He doesn't want to get rid of her so I can guarantee he's piecing together how to either: a) get her to continue the affair, or b) leave you. Your marriage is on paper only at this point, Lauren. Edited June 26, 2020 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 43 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, thanks. It’s ok I can openly admit we haven’t been happy for a long time. Yes he married me but I think he probably wished he had met her first. If he loved me he wouldn’t have kept her number let alone been in contact with her. I can admit he clearly has strong feelings for her Yes,. that is unfortunate. Reality is that even people who were very deeply in love at one time can fall out of love, and in some cases fall in love with someone else. Still he has no business looking for anything with her while you're pregnant. Completely unfair and selfish of him I do agree, and certainly nothing that's your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, exactly. He is in love with her and doesn't want to lose her. He's trying to figure out how to convince her to stay after he confirms that you're pregnant (which she likely already has assumed) He doesn't want to get rid of her so I can guarantee he's piecing together how to either: a) get her to continue the affair, or b) leave you. Your marriage is on paper only at this point, Lauren. Hi nice to hear from you and thank you for your advice before. I know, I’m trying to deal with things a little bit at a time in my mind. He said when he is able to he is going to call her because in a message it would ‘come out wrong’ and he wants her to hear he is being ‘genuine’. Genuine about what? Sorry that it’s over with them? Sorry that we are having another baby? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: he wants her to hear he is being ‘genuine’. Genuine about what? Sorry that it’s over with them? Sorry that we are having another baby? Probably genuine that he loves her and his heart is with her, is my honest guess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Probably genuine that he loves her and his heart is with her, is my honest guess. Indeed, that’s not something he wants to say in a text message, if he honestly wants her to believe him. He will also have to tell her about the pregnancy at some point (although as you say, she may have already guessed). Again, not a conversation he wants to have by text if he has any interest in keeping this woman in his life. He will have some explaining to do and that will need to be done in person. The fact that he wants to talk with her should tell you that he is concerned about what she will think and whether he may lose her. He’s trying to manage the situation such that she understands - as he said, she is special to him and he wants her in his life. Edited June 26, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Indeed, that’s not something he wants to say in a text message, if he honestly wants her to believe him. He will also have to tell her about the pregnancy at some point (although as you say, she may have already guessed). Again, not a conversation he wants to have by text if he has any interest in keeping this woman in his life. He will have some explaining to do and that will need to be done in person. The fact that he wants to talk with her in person should tell you that he is concerned about what she will think. If he was not worried about what she would think or the possibility of losing her, he would not be asking to talk to her. He’s trying to manage the situation such that she understands - as he said, she is special to him and he wants her in his life. This is going to sound a dumb question and yes I’m getting you guys to answer for me because clearly I can’t think myself - if he didn’t care about her or have strong feelings, he wouldn’t have bothered contacting her would he Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: If he didn’t care about her or have strong feelings, he wouldn’t have bothered contacting her would he No, he wouldn’t. He would send her a text with the news and it would be done. The fact that he wants to talk with her means that he’s trying to get her to understand certain things - that he genuinely cares for her and wants her in his life - despite the pregnancy. She has already told him this is a dealbreaker, so he’s going to have some explaining to do and he needs to do that in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 That makes total sense. One more thing and then I will stop focusing on this (or try to) (and thank you for helping by the way) - she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked Link to post Share on other sites
justbrowsing85 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 i hope you see that he is more concerned about the other woman feelings than yours, the mother of his two children. He wants to be honest with her, not you, about his feelings and telling her you are pregnant so that he can explain the reason (in person, no less) and perverse his chance to be with her. Sorry to be blunt but everyone sees it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 41 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked He probably tried to pretend he didn't, both to her and to himself, because he knows what he's doing is wrong and will hurt you. But he's realized his feelings for her haven't gone away. Lauren, sincere question - do you really feel like you need him? Has he ever expressed similar sentiments towards you? How long did you two know each other before you got married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. He uses words with her he’s never used with me..if this has been going on since the end of 2017 with only a few months gaps here and there..he can’t think it’s that wrong otherwise he’d have taken the steps to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: That makes total sense. One more thing and then I will stop focusing on this (or try to) (and thank you for helping by the way) - she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked It's possible that he tried and it didn't work. The only way you'd know for sure would be to ask him (and hope for an honest answer, which is quite questionable). There's no real way to know. It's worth pointing out that this is all ex post facto analysis. He's back in touch, that's the important thing. It's possible he has limerence for her (and possibly she for him), which can be very similar to an addiction for some people. It normally eventually fades, but it certainly makes one feel in love while it lasts. It's also possible much or most of this is just "pillow talk". Practical matters often overrule sentiment in this world. It's possible he knows or feels at some level that he doesn't want to give you (or partial access to his children) up for this woman. It's possible he feels it's wrong - he almost certainly knows that at some level. What he'll actually want and/or try to do remains to be seen. He might want to maintain an affair rather than actually be with her openly. Or might not. Of course, since you know, him getting his rathers is pretty unlikely at this point. Eventually you'll figure out what you want to do about this and can take action. While this is not a recommendation, certainly no one would blame you for leaving him at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 @Stevnx3 I realize I was too harsh above and misspoke. You've been very supportive of OP, which is commendable. You have my genuine apologies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 11 minutes ago, mark clemson said: @Stevnx3 I realize I was too harsh above and misspoke. You've been very supportive of OP, which is commendable. You have my genuine apologies. You're perfectly fine. We can get heated at times. It's no biggie! I too am sorry! We all want what is best for the OP, her kids, and ultimately for her husband to come around, if ever; and it is very frustrating to see the hurt involved here and not get a little mean, and need to step back. Thank you for helping the OP as well! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 5 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: You're perfectly fine. We can get heated at times. It's no biggie! I too am sorry! We all want what is best for the OP, her kids, and ultimately for her husband to come around, if ever; and it is very frustrating to see the hurt involved here and not get a little mean, and need to step back. Thank you for helping the OP as well! Thank you both of you ☺️ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 I'll be honest, going be what you've said he's told her I think he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and that he's staying with you because of the children HOWEVER he wants her to be there somehow, in some way. Remember, he thinks you don't know about him messaging her so he's safe setting up his AP. I'd offer to go with him to meet her or just turn up when they meet. You can't live like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 59 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. He uses words with her he’s never used with me..if this has been going on since the end of 2017 with only a few months gaps here and there..he can’t think it’s that wrong otherwise he’d have taken the steps to end it? Well, that's basically the point. He knows it's wrong from a moral point of view and that he shouldn't be doing it - but he's more concerned about his own desires than doing what's right. Knowing it's wrong and caring that it's wrong are not the same thing. If I may ask, why did you two decide to marry? Was he happy to propose? (if he did in fact propose) What are you going to do if he someday comes to you and tells you he wants a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. I guess you are both in your early/mid 20s, how old is this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 Very close..we are 30, she is the same age 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 15 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: I'll be honest, going be what you've said he's told her I think he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and that he's staying with you because of the children HOWEVER he wants her to be there somehow, in some way. Remember, he thinks you don't know about him messaging her so he's safe setting up his AP. I'd offer to go with him to meet her or just turn up when they meet. You can't live like this. Hi yes I’m going to agree with you..she currently lives in another part of the uk so I know he’s not going to meet up with her in person (right now anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, that's basically the point. He knows it's wrong from a moral point of view and that he shouldn't be doing it - but he's more concerned about his own desires than doing what's right. Knowing it's wrong and caring that it's wrong are not the same thing. If I may ask, why did you two decide to marry? Was he happy to propose? (if he did in fact propose) What are you going to do if he someday comes to you and tells you he wants a divorce? I think we maybe felt it was the right thing to do. We were engaged for two years..I don’t know what to think right now. This voice message/telephone call that he’s planning..you don’t think it’s him saying he just wants to be friends? (Which is still inappropriate) I’m just trying to figure out the whole he wants her to hear him so she knows what he’s telling her is genuine Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: you don’t think it’s him saying he just wants to be friends? Men rarely want female friends. Sex is usually in there somewhere. There is a reason he is contacting her again and I highly doubt it is all about wanting to share recipes and YouTube videos of puppies... People who have been in an affair usually cannot be friends even if they try. One or both want "more" and the affair starts up again. Edited June 27, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 He may tell her he can’t leave because of the baby but he wants her to know his feelings for her are genuine. Maybe make some vague noise about leaving and being with her in the future when the kids are older - maybe even ask her to wait for him like so many OW are asked to hang around... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 Yes this had crossed my mind too thank you..I just thought I’d there any chance it’s to tell her he doesn’t want her Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts