Husband kept OW number

[Crazelnut]

24 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

If it was benign and he was committed to our marriage he wouldn’t have her number 

Exactly!! So why do you ask things like the below? These are the mental gymnastics I'm talking about. You're desperate to find some possible way to make this seem less devastating than it is. ... 

Would you say he's just biding his time to get back intouch with her?

I know he had a drink the night he called, maybe he didn't mean it? Or when you are drunk is that when the truth comes out?

 

[LaurenEliz]

45 minutes ago, S2B said:

This proves he’s telling her that he’s not having sex with you. It also means he IS having sex with her!

I hate the woman but she isn’t dumb enough to think that even unhappy people don’t have sex. 

You all say im not listening to your opinions..I am! Please listen to me - he has been silent with her because he’s scared of telling her. Otherwise why bother keeping her information? When he could just block her and be done with it?

[d0nnivain]

That is all the more reason that you need to wake up smell the coffee.  He loves her & doesn't want to hurt her or risk losing her even if that hurts you.  

He probably told her that you two don't have sex.  She probably also told him not to have sex with you. 

[LaurenEliz]

I’m just trying to figure out some sort of timeline and you are all saying he’s doing this and that. I know I’m just some stranger on the internet and I do value your opinions but please believe me when I say I know what my husband is like when it comes to dealing with things. He can go for days without speaking to me so the fact he’s gone for a few months with her doesn’t shock me in the slightest. All I’m saying to you all is that he is scared of telling her incase he loses her. I’m not trying to do any sort of mental gymnastics I’m admitting that he’s scared of losing her! Because it would be very easy to block her wouldn’t it? And he hasn’t done it

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't want to block her.  It would be easy.  He hasn't blocked her because he wants to remain in contact with her.  He wants to be with her not you & your kids.  

The time line is this has been going on through your entire marriage.  You only just recently got more concrete proof.   

[LaurenEliz]

This is what I’m saying. I’m crying right now because I feel like I’m frustrating everyone and I’m not meaning to. I can’t talk to him about this, not yet. I know I go on about the number, but the number is the link to her.

am I stupid in saying it would make his life easier to block her? 

[Stevnx3]

3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

This is what I’m saying. I’m crying right now because I feel like I’m frustrating everyone and I’m not meaning to. I can’t talk to him about this, not yet. I know I go on about the number, but the number is the link to her.

am I stupid in saying it would make his life easier to block her? 

I am not frustrated. But I do believe you need to think of your own happiness and abandon this foolish man. 

It would make your life easier, yes, but not his. He is in love with her, not you. I'm sorry, truly sorry to tell you this, as I am sure everyone here feels sorrow for you. 

Likewise everyone here has had some kinda of hurt to speak from. We do not want you to have prolonged pain beyond what is expected in this thing. You deserve to be really loved.

You deserve to be respected 

This a**h*** doesn't any of that to you.

Edited June 23, 2020 by Stevnx3

[LaurenEliz]

I know and I’m grateful that people are being so honest with me. I’m just really second guessing everything right now. And I’m sorry that anyone has been through this, I’ve forgotten that and I do apologise. 

Yes it would definitely make my life easier but I thought it would make his life easier too because then he’d never have to tell her

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I know and I’m grateful that people are being so honest with me. I’m just really second guessing everything right now. And I’m sorry that anyone has been through this, I’ve forgotten that and I do apologise. 

Yes it would definitely make my life easier but I thought it would make his life easier too because then he’d never have to tell her

Nope. Imagine being him. Madly in love with her. It would be more agony for him to never talk to her again vs the peace returned in your relationship 

[LaurenEliz]

And if he wasn’t inlove with her he would have done it?

[Stevnx3]

6 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

And if he wasn’t inlove with her he would have done it?

Possibly.

Lust can be a hard spell to break. So...possibly.

As others have said to you. It is time you think of yourself and your kids. He is not thinking of any of you. He sees only her. The kids and you are obstacles. Maybe part of the reason he won't leave...

Is he will have to pay for those kids and possibly you. He is thinking of two people: That girl and himself.

 

[LaurenEliz]

I mean would he have kept the number if he wasn’t inlove with her is what I meant, sorry. 

There is somethingelse and this isn’t me drip feeding, I didn’t think it was relevant until now and also I’m mortified about it. So we started trying for our second in the summer of last year. I saw a message from him to her in nov/beginning of Dec saying ‘there are things happening that mean trouble for me’. 

I pushed it to the back of my mind because I didn’t want to think about it. I never really understood what he meant but now I think I do. The ‘things that are happening’ was about us trying for another baby. 

That is why he has gone silent with her. He doesn’t want to cause her pain. 

[Stevnx3]

5 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I mean would he have kept the number if he wasn’t inlove with her is what I meant, sorry. 

There is somethingelse and this isn’t me drip feeding, I didn’t think it was relevant until now and also I’m mortified about it. So we started trying for our second in the summer of last year. I saw a message from him to her in nov/beginning of Dec saying ‘there are things happening that mean trouble for me’. 

I pushed it to the back of my mind because I didn’t want to think about it. I never really understood what he meant but now I think I do. The ‘things that are happening’ was about us trying for another baby. 

That is why he has gone silent with her. He doesn’t want to cause her pain. 

Beyond that. Think of those words and what is really meant by them..

He is calling you, your children (of course another child ) trouble for him. Doesn't sound at all like he loves you or the kids, does it not?

Leaves you with one option my dear..

[Crazelnut]

It just gets worse and worse. Trouble for him? Your family is TROUBLE for him?? Literally everyone here is telling you that he loves her. We're sorry, but that is so obvious.

Knowing what you know, do you want to be married to him? Knowing that he loves her and stays married to you out of obligation? Serious question. Among the realistic possibilities, what do you want? 

[LaurenEliz]

I don’t know. I can’t honestly answer that question right now. I know I’m bugging everyone about the number but do you think he would have deleted it if he had no intention of going back to her?

 

[Stevnx3]

4 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I don’t know. I can’t honestly answer that question right now. I know I’m bugging everyone about the number but do you think he would have deleted it if he had no intention of going back to her?

 

Oh he will go back go her. When they meet he will sex her up real good. Is that really what you want in your life?

[elaine567]

Who cares if he deletes or not, if he is in love with her then he will no doubt have a copy of her number somewhere or he will know how to contact her.
I know you say you are somewhat in shock but this obsession with the number is not healthy or normal.
Do you have a therapist?

 

[Crazelnut]

Oh my gosh, stop fixating on the phone number. After everything that's been said here, you're STILL asking the wrong question. 

[LaurenEliz]

52 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Who cares if he deletes or not, if he is in love with her then he will no doubt have a copy of her number somewhere or he will know how to contact her.
I know you say you are somewhat in shock but this obsession with the number is not healthy or normal.
Do you have a therapist?

 

I care!!!!! How can we move forward in this marriage if he has her number so yeah I am fixating on it!

[elaine567]

The point being he could delete that number off his phone tomorrow and still be in contact with her, still love her.

[Crazelnut]

Still focusing on the wrong thing. It's not having her number you should worry about. It's being in love with her you should worry about. Even if he deletes the number, he loves her.

[LaurenEliz]

All I’m asking is if he wasn’t inlove with her would he delete it? I’m asking if that’s the reason he’s keeping it!!!!!

[elaine567]

If he was fully on board with your marriage, was remorseful and wanted things to work out he would never take the chance of keeping her number on his phone, nor would he phone her.

[Stevnx3]

46 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

All I’m asking is if he wasn’t inlove with her would he delete it? I’m asking if that’s the reason he’s keeping it!!!!!

My dear. .If he wasn't in love with her, he would have deleted it long ago.

Sadly he is in love with her and not you. Another sad thing is you seem like a very lovely women; sweet and compassionate. Who may can find someone who will truly love her.

[Circular]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

All I’m asking is if he wasn’t inlove with her would he delete it? I’m asking if that’s the reason he’s keeping it!!!!!

In my situation I kept the number. Why? It's like keeping the door unlocked, it's also a momento, a reminder. I think your big issue is less that he has the number, I rarely delete anyone's.  It's more that he's called it.  That's not "I didn't delete it because I just disregarded it in my mind" that's "I kept it with the full intention of keeping the contact alive.".  And the mere fact that he's called it is a strong indicator that he's in love with her.  I'd say that any A that happens to last more than a few months falls into this territory, any A that lasts more than 2 years, definitely you're dealing with bonded-love.