elaine567 Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 So many men in affairs are conflict avoidant. If they weren't they would end their marriages and move on. As it is they will juggle two women, telling each what they want to hear and try to stay out of trouble. If challenged they will kick any issues into the long grass and keep making excuses. You didn't answer my question but I assume there were not a lot of consequences, after he cheated so that usually gives most the green light to keep on cheating. He got away with it. Cheaters are clever people, especially ones who have been caught, the 3 sec call may be a code between them. If you see it, he can say it was a butt dial... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 22, 2020 Author Share Posted June 22, 2020 He can’t say it was a butt dial though because there are multiple calls. If I’m being honest I don’t think it’s a case that he’s having his cake and eating it. We aren’t exactly happy. But I did think that by him agreeing to another baby meant that maybe he isn’t ‘just here for the kids’ instead I find out not only does he still have her number, but he is now calling her probably just to hear her voice Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 52 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: He can’t say it was a butt dial though because there are multiple calls. If I’m being honest I don’t think it’s a case that he’s having his cake and eating it. We aren’t exactly happy. But I did think that by him agreeing to another baby meant that maybe he isn’t ‘just here for the kids’ instead I find out not only does he still have her number, but he is now calling her probably just to hear her voice No, he would have deleted it and prepared to move on with life with you. Another baby is never a solution to what ills a relationship. If anything, it will only complicate things down the line. Even if things get better, it will be for a short while. As the old problems are still there. These problems will resurface. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 No, it’s not over! what do you plan to do to take action? you just gonna sit there quietly taking his crappy lies? Or are you gonna kick him out today? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 Disrespect once - ok forgive IF that behavior changes and never happens again! do it again and it’s on purpose. Now it’s only your fault if you stay - because he intends to keep in touch with her. he’s disrespecting you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: But I did think that by him agreeing to another baby meant that maybe he isn’t ‘just here for the kids’ instead I find out not only does he still have her number, but he is now calling her probably just to hear her voice That is incredibly naive, sorry to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Missus Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 This is my first post but a long time lurker. This trigged me badly. My then H had an EA, when confronted he promised me he would delete the number and they were only friends etc . We tried to patch it up and started to date each other again and all the couple things. I thought we were doing ok until I got the ILYBNILWY. I then find out he had hidden her number in his phone under a male name and had written it down and hidden that too. I found an apartment and was in the process of moving when he begged me to try again. We did for 2 years, only for him to go on to have a PA with someone else. During this time he continued the EA without me knowing and after looking at phone records because of the PA, I found he was contacting her the moment he woke up to the time he went to bed. I wish I left when I had the opportunity to as the EA made me doubt myself and the PA broke me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 I can’t tell if you are actually married because at first you referred to him as your boyfriend... but if you already have kids with him do NOT try and have more kids with him. And see an attitude way to know what kind of support money he will owe you if you leave him. do you work? Can you support yourself if you leave him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: That is incredibly naive, sorry to say. I know. After our first was born when we’d argue he said he was only here because of our son. So when he finally agreed to number 2 I thought well he can’t ‘just be here for our son’ if we are having another baby. I know things are probably going to get worse. If he didn’t care about her at all would he have deleted her? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 7 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: I know. After our first was born when we’d argue he said he was only here because of our son. So when he finally agreed to number 2 I thought well he can’t ‘just be here for our son’ if we are having another baby. I know things are probably going to get worse. If he didn’t care about her at all would he have deleted her? Well, never really fixed anything. Although I understand your thought process as to why you believed it would. Actually more common than not. But you need to look at a future without him...seeing as he isn't changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 15 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: You really think if it was over between them he would have at the very least deleted her number? How many times are you going to ask US this question? It's clear to everyone what's going on: He wants her. He kept her number. He tried to call her twice. He's hiding all of this from you. There really isn't much you can do about it. You can't convince him to love you instead. You can't change his feelings. All you can do is choose: Live with the knowledge that he loves another woman or leave him. It's pretty simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 13 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: How many times are you going to ask US this question? It's clear to everyone what's going on: He wants her. He kept her number. He tried to call her twice. He's hiding all of this from you. There really isn't much you can do about it. You can't convince him to love you instead. You can't change his feelings. All you can do is choose: Live with the knowledge that he loves another woman or leave him. It's pretty simple. Thanks, as I have explained I am not ready to confront him right now. I just don’t understand why he hangs up when she says hello hence the convos being so short 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 This is not the number of an acquaintance, a salesperson, an old neighbour, a tradesperson, an ex coworker, someone whose number remains on his phone as he forgot to delete it or he thinks he may need their number at some point... NO, this is his OW, someone who means a lot to him and he has taken the trouble to hide it and he has called it. Of course it isn't over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 I agree. I know for a fact that he hasn’t spoken to her in three months though, but now the calls even just to hear her voice have started. That’s why I said I believe he only temporarily stopped speaking to her because he is too scared to tell her I’m pregnant. Can I ask you this, if he didn’t care about her and wanted to work on OUR marriage, would he delete it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Stevnx3 said: Well, never really fixed anything. Although I understand your thought process as to why you believed it would. Actually more common than not. But you need to look at a future without him...seeing as he isn't changing. Would you say if he didn’t care about her then he would have deleted? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Would you say if he didn’t care about her then he would have deleted? Of course! That has been the consistent answer. I would stop worrying about whether or not he cares or not b/c he didn't delete her. He doesn't care, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: I know for a fact that he hasn’t spoken to her in three months though, How do you know that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) Because I do, he’s been in lockdown with me and he hasn’t had his phone for at least two months because it was sent to apple but that doesn’t matter does it because he has begun calling even if it’s just to hear her voice Edited June 23, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: he has begun calling even if it’s just to hear her voice Keeping her number & not using it would be one thing. Calling to hear her voice, is a huge problem. You are pregnant & he wants out. He wants to be with her. He married you for all the wrong reasons. Stop compounding that error. You need to start figuring out plan B; how are you going to raise 2 kids as a single mom? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Keeping her number & not using it would be one thing. Calling to hear her voice, is a huge problem. You are pregnant & he wants out. He wants to be with her. He married you for all the wrong reasons. Stop compounding that error. You need to start figuring out plan B; how are you going to raise 2 kids as a single mom? Do you really think he would just keep it and not use it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Keeping her number & not using it would be one thing. Calling to hear her voice, is a huge problem. You are pregnant & he wants out. He wants to be with her. He married you for all the wrong reasons. Stop compounding that error. You need to start figuring out plan B; how are you going to raise 2 kids as a single mom? This. And getting a lawyer and taking what you can get via the law from him. There are a lot of helpful programs for single moms; including ones to help with education, which may prove difficult, but beneficial to your future life. This is for all intents done. You are very sweet soul. Do not waste it on someone who is like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 At the beginning of this thread you said you found the number in a old phone & you didn't know if he had used it. At that point I was open to the idea that he just never cleared out his contacts. I had a huge blow out fight with somebody in 2015 but kept her contact info because I wanted to know if she ever tried to contact me. So it was possible. Now you are saying that you know he calls her to hear her voice. So either something changed or as your pregnancy advances he is farther out the door. With evidence of their continued contact why are you even questioning that your marriage is over? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: At the beginning of this thread you said you found the number in a old phone & you didn't know if he had used it. At that point I was open to the idea that he just never cleared out his contacts. I had a huge blow out fight with somebody in 2015 but kept her contact info because I wanted to know if she ever tried to contact me. So it was possible. Now you are saying that you know he calls her to hear her voice. So either something changed or as your pregnancy advances he is farther out the door. With evidence of their continued contact why are you even questioning that your marriage is over? I never said old phone? It’s always been in his phone? in just asking if it’s possible to keep the number of a woman you had an emotional/physical affair with, without the intention of using it because I see no point in that Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Semantics. You asked if it was possible to keep a # & not use it. I said yes but improbable. Almost everyone else said "hell no!" Now you have proof that he's using the number. What is it you expect? You know your husband wants to be with another woman. That will never stop. Do you actually think he's suddenly going to stop contacting her? You are living in denial. Stop. Take action to protect yourself & your children. Why would you want to stay in a bad marriage where your husband wants another woman & is actively perusing her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Semantics. You asked if it was possible to keep a # & not use it. I said yes but improbable. Almost everyone else said "hell no!" Now you have proof that he's using the number. What is it you expect? You know your husband wants to be with another woman. That will never stop. Do you actually think he's suddenly going to stop contacting her? You are living in denial. Stop. Take action to protect yourself & your children. Why would you want to stay in a bad marriage where your husband wants another woman & is actively perusing her? I wouldn’t call him calling to hear her voice actively pursuing her or do you think that’s him taking steps to contact her again Edited June 23, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
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