Are more women content on remaining unattached?

[Weezy1973]

@CaliforniaGirl I’m not even referring to women with unrealistic standards, just the general idea that good men (however you define it) are hard to find is a happier thought than, there are lots of good women around, none of who wants me. 

Women who think that good men are really rare would be happier being single because it’s just bad luck. And by happier being single, I don’t mean happier necessarily than being in a relationship; just relative to men who believe there are a lot of quality women.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Weezy1973

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@CaliforniaGirl I’m not even referring to women with unrealistic standards, just the general idea that good men (however you define it) are hard to find is a happier thought than, there are lots of good women around, none of who wants me. 

Women who think that good men are really rare would be happier being single because it’s just bad luck.

Again...if that were true (that second paragraph), we would have no settling. No. Thinking it's just bad luck is no assuagement for feeling alone and lonely. It doesn't fill emptiness, it doesn't produce a shared household and a baby.

I know I sound argumentative, but the intimation here, over and over again, is that the only reasons women could be happy single would be...well, really fugged up reasons. She's grotesque, or else she's delusional about herself, or else, it's because, well, when women can't find a partner they're weirdly okay with that, because they think they're still great.

21 pages later...and the dudes still can't accept "Some women, a percentage are alone because they want to be.. And because today, they don't 'have' to be hooked up in order to be seen by society as okay. Some women just want to have fun. Some women don't like the idea of the responsiblility, or of sharing their assets...some women just want things this way."

I'm sorry to be that blunt...but...I mean do you guys want answers or don't you?? Because if you already have the answers - "women decide to be alone if they're pretty messed up or delusional" - then I have to say: why ask at all?

Very mysterious.

Edited July 2, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

"Some women, a percentage are alone because they want to be.. And because today, they don't 'have' to be hooked up in order to be seen by society as okay. Some women just want to have fun. Some women don't like the idea of the responsiblility, or of sharing their assets...some women just want things this way."

Part of this assumes women can’t have fun in a relationship (my wife and I laugh together all the time) which is weird, but because the population is so big, indeed it’s likely some people would prefer to remain single for whatever reason makes sense to them. But I think having fun, less responsibility and not sharing assets would be a reason both men AND women might choose to, and be happier remaining  single.

 

And it’s possibly just different interpretations of the question. I’m interpreting the question as “are more women then men happier staying unattached” and seeing if there’s a difference, whereas one could interpret it as “are more women happier being unattached now than previous generations.“ 

 

The points you make don’t seem like they would be more prevalent in women than men, whereas what I’m describing seems to be different between women than men. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Part of this assumes women can’t have fun in a relationship (my wife and I laugh together all the time) which is weird, but because the population is so big, indeed it’s likely some people would prefer to remain single for whatever reason makes sense to them. But I think having fun, less responsibility and not sharing assets would be a reason both men AND women might choose to, and be happier remaining  single.

 

And it’s possibly just different interpretations of the question. I’m interpreting the question as “are more women then men happier staying unattached” and seeing if there’s a difference, whereas one could interpret it as “are more women happier being unattached now than previous generations.“ 

 

The points you make don’t seem like they would be more prevalent in women than men, whereas what I’m describing seems to be different between women than men. 

I'm sorry, I wasn't implying that you can't have fun in a relationship. Actually, I was trying to say the opposite - some women want the fun without responsibility - but I think it may have come out wrong. That was dicussed in more detail at the beginning of the thread - in the context usually of women who already had had the marriage, etc. 

Yes, you are describing a difference between women and men but...not to put on the dreaded feminist hat...I think we all know that women's choices and so on were pretty severely restricted in previous generations; men's less so. So yes, women may feel more strongly about freeom, so to speak, than some men may. I think that's what you meant? 

[Emilie Jolie]

On 7/2/2020 at 9:04 PM, Weezy1973 said:

But the common refrain that I hear from a lot of single women, on this site and anecdotally, is that there aren’t any good guys

I don't know about threads on LS (people tend to vent here) but in real life, the women I know around me who are single (40+) are single by choice - either because they have embraced the single lifestyle full on with no way back (those never cared much for being in relationships in the first place) or because they have accommodated themselves with their situation, ie they prefer to be single than to be with the wrong guy, but would as equally get into a relationship with that elusive 'right' guy. There is no bitterness in their choice either way.

Not saying there isn't the female equivalent to the 'nice guys always finish last' thing, but in the 40+ age range, it's honestly not that common, from personal observations.

[Robert]

Let's swing this back to the topic, Thanks

[Weezy1973]

14 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

...or because they have accommodated themselves with their situation, ie they prefer to be single than to be with the wrong guy, but would as equally get into a relationship with that elusive 'right' guy. There is no bitterness in their choice either way.

This was more my point. I suspect there are both men and women who are just plain happier being single because they’re not relationship oriented. But I also think women are also happier in the category you describe in the quote, because they believe the ‘right’ guy is elusive. That’s easier mentally to take than thinking there are plenty of guys that could be ‘right’ , but she’s not attractive enough to get them.

And that’s how a lot of guys feel. Like there are plenty of good catches out there, they just can’t catch them. And I suspect that makes the men unhappy, believing there’s something wrong with themselves.

 

And I wasn’t implying the women are bitter to be single. That’s actually the opposite. The men in my example would be bitter, whereas the women would be genuinely happy. Which is the question of the thread I think.

[Emilie Jolie]

51 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

That’s easier mentally to take than thinking there are plenty of guys that could be ‘right’ , but she’s not attractive enough to get them.

No sure why you're twisting it to make it some sort of ego-compensating issue, and a generalisation to boot. 

 That's not what I meant at all, I just meant (at least those I know) they don't go out of their way to meet a guy because they are satisfied with their lives, and the guy would need to fit in just right without making too many compromises. I personally think there are plenty of guys who are 'right'; plenty of attractive guys, even. They're not all compatible, though. That, I believe, is more important than the 'attraction' thing.

Good guys are not necessarily compatible enough, attraction isn't always enough as I'm finding out for myself currently.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Good guys are not necessarily compatible enough, attraction isn't always enough as I'm finding out for myself currently.

Just trying to get my head around this...everything's changed for me by the fact I am now stuck in lockdown alone for months! I feel pressured to settle down at the next opportunity just so as not to be this alone again...somebody remind me why it's a bad idea to 'settle'.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Ellener said:

...somebody remind me why it's a bad idea to 'settle'.

You may find happiness in the person you "settle" for... My girlfriend settled for me.

I often joke that she was looking for a "knight in shining armor riding up on a white horse" and settled for "a rodent that drove up in an old white pickup".

We are still both happy and content 8.5 years later.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's never a good idea to let loneliness drive decision making in dating and romance. It makes you overlook things that will come back to haunt you later. 

[FMW]

Being with the wrong person can be more lonely than being on your own.  

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Being with the wrong person can be more lonely than being on your own.  

I woke up today missing my ex husband, always a bad sign...but yes, it can be horrible being in a marriage situation which isn't happy. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

On 7/2/2020 at 3:49 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

Women pull out all the stops to be "pretty enough." By contrast, men are judged on what they can do...what they choose to do. 

But back to women. We can work and work and work and work, we can volunteer, be sweet, be intelligent but...uh-oh...If we're not "pretty enough" what good are we? In past generations this was not as huge as it is today in Instagram culture, but it was always there. Today, it's times a hundred. The beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar affair and it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Because we're constantly told, or shown, that we're never enough, we're not pretty enough, we're not young enough, our hair and skin don't look healthy enough, our waists aren't small enough. When you take a group of people and spend loads of money on how to make them feel more insecure, that group is at your disposal and it usually has its wallet open. And its heart, but whatever. Business is business.....

This is very true.  I’d have to say the time and investment I have to put in to be pretty enough is not proportional to the benefit.

I’m a pretty girl but still have to work at it incessantly.  For now I’m still playing the game but there may be a time when I may just give it up and just live being human instead of a sex objuect. 😭

The expectations can be too much at times.  I really admire Billie Eilish for her position on it.  Hoping she will do good for the younger girls oof today.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Just trying to get my head around this...everything's changed for me by the fact I am now stuck in lockdown alone for months! I feel pressured to settle down at the next opportunity just so as not to be this alone again...somebody remind me why it's a bad idea to 'settle'.

I hear you.I think if the current situation has made you review your priorities (you prefer to be in a relationship from now on), you wouldn't be settling  . If you find a guy who has the same priorities you do, you're golden!

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

If you find a guy who has the same priorities you do, you're golden!

I hope so. I am a little bit worried as to who I will attract, I'm a bit nuts right now, if I wasn't so lonely I would be taking a break from relationships altogether to work on being a bit more together myself! 

[Emilie Jolie]

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I hope so. I am a little bit worried as to who I will attract, I'm a bit nuts right now, if I wasn't so lonely I would be taking a break from relationships altogether to work on being a bit more together myself! 

I think plenty of us are out of kilter, to be honest - I see is as a sign of good mental health! If you can go through months like these under crazy circumstances completely unscathed, you are either a superhero or a robot! I know I'm neither so I fully expect most people to be affected in some way.

If you feel you need time to regroup and find your bearings again once lockdown eases, then do that. You'll likely meet the same guys you would have met prior to the pandemic, and things will slot into place are they are meant to after a while. You're not doing too badly, Ellener - you have a ton of random strangers on LS rooting for you  .

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You're not doing too badly, Ellener - you have a ton of random strangers on LS rooting for you  .

Y'all are the best! 

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 That's not what I meant at all, I just meant (at least those I know) they don't go out of their way to meet a guy because they are satisfied with their lives, and the guy would need to fit in just right without making too many compromises. I personally think there are plenty of guys who are 'right'; plenty of attractive guys, even. They're not all compatible, though. That, I believe, is more important than the 'attraction' thing.

We’re actually agreeing. I agree with everything you say above. And it makes for women being happier staying single. If they genuinely feel that a compatible guy is hard to find, then staying single is a better (happier) option then getting into a relationship with someone not compatible.

 

But many men seem to find many women to be compatible enough for a relationship. Their main complaint (and unhappiness) stems from those women not being interested in them. 
 

This phenomenon can indeed contribute to women being happier being single than men are. 

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

I hope so. I am a little bit worried as to who I will attract, I'm a bit nuts right now, if I wasn't so lonely I would be taking a break from relationships altogether to work on being a bit more together myself! 

Listen to this. I attract good things into my life when I'm in a good state of mind. 

The worst motivator for seeking out love is loneliness, in my opinion. Of course we're human and we have needs. But if you want something real and lasting, you have to think bigger. I heard someone say yesterday that there are no shortcuts to anything good 🤗

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

getting into a relationship with someone not compatible.

Is that easy to do? I married very young and I was silly then, but I don't even stay out to dinner with someone I don't get on with these days! 

I'm hoping it's easier to 'be compatible' at my age too, now big stuff like parenting and careers is mostly out of the way.

[Mysterio]

On 7/4/2020 at 10:23 AM, Zona said:

Married at first sight is a reality TV show where people are matched by experts with another person, and then marry them as perfect strangers and see if they can make the marriage work. Only about 25% of the marriages have worked out over the 10 seasons it has been on.

They just reported that 70,000 millennial aged people applied to be on the show for just this current season. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but it does appear there is a hunger out there for relationships and family. Maybe not so many women or men are happy remaining unattached.

Of course getting married is risky, but the rewards can also be immeasurable. Holding my son (in one hand because he was so small as all babies are) after his birth is a moment I will never forget. There is no sacrifice I would not make for my kids at this point.

Zona.  If a show is going to do this.  If the couple get married.  There should be such an ironclad prenup where either party can't screw over each other finanically.  Everything is split evenly including the House.  No going after pension.  

Edited July 5, 2020 by Mysterio

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Is that easy to do? I married very young and I was silly then, but I don't even stay out to dinner with someone I don't get on with these days! 

I'm hoping it's easier to 'be compatible' at my age too, now big stuff like parenting and careers is mostly out of the way.

People that accept compromise as central to a relationship will find it easier to find someone compatible rather than someone that is set in their ways and have a “my way or the highway” mentality.

[Ruby Slippers]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

People that accept compromise as central to a relationship will find it easier to find someone compatible rather than someone that is set in their ways and have a “my way or the highway” mentality.

I imagine there's a spectrum of willingness to compromise/settle, in any area of life. Everyone performs their own risk-reward analysis.

Some people can endure a job they don't care much about for many years for a higher salary, for example. I'd be very unhappy doing that. I've had jobs that were less than ideal at times out of necessity, but I always remained fixated on finding something better-suited to my talents and interests. As a result, I've worked my way up to being fulfilled with meaningful humanitarian work and making good money. As I described it to a friend, "I'm an idealist who's getting paid."  

Some people accept significant compromises to remain coupled. It's their choice and I wish them every happiness - but it's not everybody's choice.

Edited July 5, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I imagine there's a spectrum of willingness to compromise/settle, in any area of life. Everyone performs their own risk-reward analysis.

Some people can endure a job they don't care much about for many years for a higher salary, for example. I'd be very unhappy doing that. I've had jobs that were less than ideal at times out of necessity, but I always remained fixated on finding something better-suited to my talents and interests. As a result, I've worked my way up to being fulfilled with meaningful humanitarian work and making good money. As I described it to a friend, "I'm an idealist who's getting paid."  

Some people accept significant compromises to remain coupled. It's their choice and I wish them every happiness - but it's not everybody's choice.

Compromise is accepting that your partners views / opinions / habits are just as important as your own, and when there are differences, you both try to meet somewhere in the middle. That is a central tenet to a successful relationship. Those that aren’t willing to compromise as defined above, likely would be much happier staying single.