Can anyone relate to this kind of dating anxiety(casual dating)

[Cookiesandough]

I hope I am not judged for this, but I am dating a few different people casually. A lot of people do this, especially in my generation. It is kind of expected.

I woke up today with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as fear/anxiety, which never used to happen to me when I wasn't dating. I have this fear that I am going to lose some of the people I am dating  

 

 I like a lot of these guys a lot and grow attached to them in a way, but not enough to be with them exclusively. It's irrational because when you do not become exclusive with people you can't be upset that they get someone else to become exclusive with who would become their first pick.

It's never bad until it gets somewhat serious or headed into that direction...then they want to see you a lot more often and it causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can barely sleep or eat sometimes. Before it heads in that direction, I don't get the bad feeling at all...

One guy in particular, I cannot seem to let him go. I have seen him probably 20 times this year. I fall off the map and then randomly miss him and text him so I can start seeing him again. And so far he has been available, however, I know one day I will lose sight of him and he will get tired of it and meet someone new. Which he totally should. I know he wants a gf, but I feel really anxious when he gets really close to me, I feel anxious and pressured. I feel scared.   Then after awhile these ease up and I contact him again to hang out.

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for casual dating, but I feel like with how my life and personality is, it might suit me best. I actually do quite well until things get serious? So maybe I should only see people a couple times and just have fun and cut off from them. If I stop dating period I can get a bit lonely after awhile. 

Even if I stop now, it won't help the people I am seeing now who it will be like a break up with...Hard to let go....

 

Can anyone relate to this?

Edited June 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

I can't relate because WAY different generation and goals.

But I have a suggestion as a possible supplement to asking here on LS. Do you have a (straight) FEMALE bff to discuss this with?

[Cookiesandough]

12 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

I can't relate because WAY different generation and goals.

But I have a suggestion as a possible supplement to asking here on LS. Do you have a (straight) FEMALE bff to discuss this with?

Thank you. Yeah, I've been texting my friends. I originally came to LS to have a place to vent my anxieties besides them. I'm not usually anxious, just when I get overwhelmed in dating. 

Spammy, a lot of my friends multi-date. They'll even sleep with multiple guys which is not something I think I could do...They will just date and then whenever they really like a guy they'll hop into a relationship with him (normal) So they can't relate that much to this anxiety. They've just been like "chill out. Just go if you like him" Many of them party a lot too and the ones who don't have a bf or are single and not dating.

 I spent 2 days with someone and their family (didn't know that was going to happen) up until this morning. And now I have a date tonight with this guy I was really excited about/don't want to miss out on. And another rooftop party to go to tomorrow. I'm introverted so It's too much and I don't want to go to any of them. Last time this happened was earlier this year and I tunneled myself into a hole for about 4 months.   If I tell them I can't make it they will probably go find someone else, though (which is completely their right). There's a 50% chance some of them will still be there when I come out, but like I said, I am scared to lose them

Edited June 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Fresh_Start]

While I think we all have experienced some form of anxiety at some point when it comes to relationships, dating is something that should be fun and exciting rather than stressful.  If you can't get a better handle on the anxiety that you're experiencing because of it, it'll have a negative impact on every relationship you pursue or get into. I deal with anxiety as well, and it's no picnic, so I can empathize with you in that regard and sympathize with how it is having an adverse effect on your state of mind when it comes to dating and relationships. 

I think you'll find it counterproductive to "only see people a couple times...and cut off from them".  While there's nothing wrong with casual dating, engaging in what I quoted as a means of avoiding the feelings of anxiety you're experiencing is only going to reinforce your anxiety about dating and relationships and make it even worse.  You need to tackle this problem head on and not just run from it or sweep it under the rug.  These are problems you can address with a therapist or support group -- and that can be done in conjunction with medication, if necessary, in order to help you manage it.

Hang in there. 

Edited June 12, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[Ruby Slippers]

Some wise sage said that when you're depressed, you're living in the past. When you're anxious, you're living in the future. When you're content or happy, you're living in the present.

Instead of worrying about the future of these relationships, focus on enjoying the present. This works for long-term relationships, casual multi-dating situations, and anything else.

[Cookiesandough]

11 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

While I think we all have experienced some form of anxiety at some point when it comes to relationships, dating is something that should be fun and exciting rather than stressful.  If you can't get a better handle on the anxiety that you're experiencing because of it, it'll have a negative impact on every relationship you pursue or get into. 

I deal with anxiety as well, and it's no picnic, so I can empathize with you in that regard and sympathize with how it is having an adverse effect on your state of mind when it comes to dating and relationships.  As such, I think you'll find it counterproductive to "only see people a couple times...and cut off from them".  While there's nothing wrong with casual dating, engaging in what I quoted as a means of avoiding the feelings of anxiety you're experiencing is only going to reinforce your anxiety about dating and relationships and make it even worse.  You need to tackle this problem head on and not just run from it or sweep it under the rug.  These are problems you can address with a therapist or support group -- and that can be done in conjunction with medication, if necessary, in order to help you manage it.

Hang in there. 

Thank you so much ❤️ I am sorry you deal with anxiety too...I wonder if you've been able to overcome it to some extent.

 I never really thought I needed therapy anymore because I am so happy with my  life now and everything is so wonderful except when I see someone too much. When you are in a relationship, you have to see someone EVERY DAY just about in my experience. I have never met someone that was ok with less than a few times a week. But on the other end of the spectrum, someone you see casually, the amount you see them can feel good, but  you can lose them at ANY TIME. They will find what they want if you cannot give it. Just the way the world works. And you will be left sad and alone. That is why I don't think I could do a FWB thing and why I think a lot of people decide to commit to one, so they have a 'steady'.

 I get moments of this anxiety that I can't cope with dating and I think I may have some kind of avoidance thing that stems from being bullied? I don't know. Don't have most of the typical avoidance 'symptoms'.

 

I gotta do my hair now for my date    

Edited June 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

Everyone experiences ANXIETY (we always call it NERVES) when you feel unsure or NOT at ease.  It's normal.........you have to tell yourself that YOU ARE OK and that

YOU GOT THIS...........athletes deal with it routinely even the best of the best HAVE the butterflies.  I think sometimes ANXIETY is a product of YOU really not being sure of what it is that you want.  The concept of FRIGHT or FLIGHT will manifest itself when anxiety levels are at their peak.  

I could go into it a lot more in depth but maybe you get the gist.

[Fresh_Start]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you so much ❤️ I am sorry you deal with anxiety too...I wonder if you've been able to overcome it to some extent.

 I never really thought I needed therapy anymore because I am so happy with my  life now and everything is so wonderful except when I see someone too much. When you are in a relationship, you have to see someone EVERY DAY just about in my experience. I have never met someone that was ok with less than a few times a week. But on the other end of the spectrum, someone you see casually you can lose at ANY TIME. They will find what they want if you cannot give it. And you will be left sad and alone. That is why I don't think I could do a FWB thing.

 I get moments of this anxiety that I can't cope with and I think I may have some kind of avoidance thing that stems from being bullied? I don't know. 

I manage it pretty effectively, but there are things that can still trigger it.  My ex refused to ever have mature, adult conversations about any kinds of problems or areas of concern and instead resorted to doing it all by email.  She even broke up with me in an email -- twice.  Her emails ended up turning into a major trigger for my anxiety especially with the crazy making content of some of them. 🤪

I wouldn't dismiss therapy just because you're otherwise very happy and content with the way things are going in your life right now.  You have identified a problem area for you that is causing you a lot of distress to the point that you even have moments where you can't cope with it.  That means it's an area where you can make improvements and a therapist or support group can help you out with that process.  Kudos on the self-awareness, by the way.  That's a great quality to have. 👍 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been bullied. 🙁  I don't have enough information to say one way or another as to whether or not that's the cause of your anxiety, especially because on the surface it seems more like you have some fears of abandonment.  Is the bullying something you feel comfortable talking about on here or is it too personal?    

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks so much. Im glad to hear you’ve found success. I just felt like abandonment is normal to fear if you don’t get into a committed relationship and that’s why people do. I guess I feel should feel lucky I’m running into quite a few people I want to date/have so many dates going. Not usual for me. But it’s like I’m forever oscillating between overwhelmed feelings, and then when I run and hide, lonely feelings  

 

Thank you again ❤️

Edited June 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I hope I am not judged for this, but I am dating a few different people casually. A lot of people do this, especially in my generation. It is kind of expected.

I woke up today with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as fear/anxiety, which never used to happen to me when I wasn't dating. I have this fear that I am going to lose some of the people I am dating  

 

 I like a lot of these guys a lot and grow attached to them in a way, but not enough to be with them exclusively. It's irrational because when you do not become exclusive with people you can't be upset that they get someone else to become exclusive with who would become their first pick.

It's never bad until it gets somewhat serious or headed into that direction...then they want to see you a lot more often and it causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can barely sleep or eat sometimes. Before it heads in that direction, I don't get the bad feeling at all...

One guy in particular, I cannot seem to let him go. I have seen him probably 20 times this year. I fall off the map and then randomly miss him and text him so I can start seeing him again. And so far he has been available, however, I know one day I will lose sight of him and he will get tired of it and meet someone new. Which he totally should. I know he wants a gf, but I feel really anxious when he gets really close to me, I feel anxious and pressured. I feel scared.   Then after awhile these ease up and I contact him again to hang out.

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for casual dating, but I feel like with how my life and personality is, it might suit me best. I actually do quite well until things get serious? So maybe I should only see people a couple times and just have fun and cut off from them. If I stop dating period I can get a bit lonely after awhile. 

Even if I stop now, it won't help the people I am seeing now who it will be like a break up with...Hard to let go....

 

Can anyone relate to this?

I thought you just wrote about a homeless guy you finally connected to? 

[Cookiesandough]

Yea I did; but I’m not seeing him anymore... he has BPD and I don’t want to do any harm. The guy I’m speaking about is another guy. 

[Realitysux]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea I did; but I’m not seeing him anymore... he has BPD and I don’t want to do any harm. The guy I’m speaking about is another guy. 

It doesn't make sense that you are afraid to loose them. I lost a ton of people and my circumstances were worse then yours. If you are connecting with that many people then I'd be concerned about that. I don't feel anxious about loosing anyone who passed me by at this time because I'm reconnecting with myself. I'm having a lot of fun doing that too. 

 

Edit; I'm at the hair salon and I typically get male hair dressers now as oppose to females. They do a better job. 

Edited June 12, 2020 by Realitysux

[rjc149]

There's an old children's analogy of taking candy from a jar -- when you take a big handful trying to grab them all, you won't be able to pull your hand through the jar opening, and you'll have to let go of them all. You wind up with nothing. It's better to take them out one at a time.

I think at the end of the day, this is about you wanting multiple sources of validation at one time, on a rotation, and the pangs of anxiety your feeling is really your conscience telling  you that you're being selfish at the expense of these men. 

If you could just find a guy like Ryan Re-- uh, I mean, find a guy you really like, stick with him, and see if the connection grows into something. And otherwise, it's okay to not have any dates scheduled. 

[Weezy1973]

Everybody’s different. Just because it’s common in your generation doesn’t mean you have to do it. If you’re getting feelings for these guys, it might mean you’re not actually cut out for dating casually. 
 

If argue it’s pretty natural to start feeling connected to people that we like. I sense that a lot of your mental energy when it comes to dating is in this gray area that is bound to make you anxious. 
 

Wanting human connection, but also not wanting something serious / committed and trying to walk that tightrope. And in doing so, there really aren’t any good options. Either you date guys you don’t really like and won’t get attached to, or you date guys you do like and will get attached to (and they’ll get attached to you!)!

 

So what are you options? Here are a few:

1. Stay single - forget about men until you’re ready for a serious relationship.

2. Keep men as friends, but make it clear you’re not interested in anything romantic or dating. 

3. Bite the bullet and get into a serious relationship now. 
4. Find a FWB to keep you busy.

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thanks so much. Im glad to hear you’ve found success. I just felt like abandonment is normal to fear if you don’t get into a committed relationship and that’s why people do. I guess I feel should feel lucky I’m running into quite a few people I want to date/have so many dates going. Not usual for me. But it’s like I’m forever oscillating between overwhelmed feelings, and then when I run and hide, lonely feelings  

 

Thank you again ❤️

No, it's not normal to fear abandonment and it can really cause problems for you in a relationship.  That fear can paradoxically cause you to behave in such a way that you make abandonment a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In other words, you might end up head-over-heels in love with a guy, then the fear of losing him kicks in and you start doing and saying things that end up chasing him off.  Where do you think your fear of abandonment comes from?  Do you think it's just a product of your anxiety or have you dealt with some traumatic events in your past that make you fear abandonment?

(I realize these are some pretty personal questions, including the one I asked you about being bullied.  I'm just trying to understand your situation so that I can give you the best advice I can, but I also understand that you might not feel comfortable discussing some of this on a public forum.  I'd offer to discuss it privately if you felt more comfortable with that, but it looks like I can't send a private message unless I pay for a premium subscription, which I'm not sold on just yet.)

All of that aside, you need to find some equilibrium between those two extremes (feeling overwhelmed and feeling lonely).  Pinballing between them definitely isn't going to help your anxiety or your overall mental health.  Sometimes you need to get comfortable with being alone and/or learn to love yourself (if you don't already) before you're ready to date or pursue a relationship otherwise your happiness can become too dependent on having someone in your life.  Make a list of all of your great qualities and use it as a reminder that you're so amazing you're in great company all by yourself.  

Edited June 12, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I'm introverted so It's too much and I don't want to go to any of them.

Sweetie there's a hell of a lot going on, I have anxiety disorder and it would trigger me to go out for two days straight then right back out again too. I make self-care the priority these days so strong boundaries are for the best plus enjoying time alone, feeling comfortable by myself.

I'm lonely with the lockdown but I'm still not writing to more than one person at a time, it's just too 'busy' for me.

I watched a movie on RedBox last night, 'Hooking Up', that was fun. 

[Cookiesandough]

41 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Everybody’s different. Just because it’s common in your generation doesn’t mean you have to do it. If you’re getting feelings for these guys, it might mean you’re not actually cut out for dating casually. 
 

If argue it’s pretty natural to start feeling connected to people that we like. I sense that a lot of your mental energy when it comes to dating is in this gray area that is bound to make you anxious. 
 

Wanting human connection, but also not wanting something serious / committed and trying to walk that tightrope. And in doing so, there really aren’t any good options. Either you date guys you don’t really like and won’t get attached to, or you date guys you do like and will get attached to (and they’ll get attached to you!)!

 

So what are you options? Here are a few:

1. Stay single - forget about men until you’re ready for a serious relationship.

2. Keep men as friends, but make it clear you’re not interested in anything romantic or dating. 

3. Bite the bullet and get into a serious relationship now. 
4. Find a FWB to keep you busy.

Thanks, realitysux. Glad you don’t feel anxious about things and let pieces fall where they may. 
 

And thank you, rjc. I like that analogy and it’s probably has some truth. I justI don’t know if it’s validation, though. My friends who know me know run from/avoid any validation from the opposite sex, but I hear it often on here... so maybe it’s something to examine anyway. I do feel guilty a lot in dating. 

I don’t feel that guilty about going out with another guy tonight, even though I just got done with a date with a guy pushing us in a serious direction. but I have no reason to because we haven’t had a discussion again yet  and I am single....There’s nothing stopping either of us from meeting othersZ  More just overwhelmed because that guy drained me emotionally with a bunch of seriousness and meeting with his folks which I didn’t even know was going to happen or I probably wouldn’t have went. . I honestly think I might cancel on this other guy tonight.  
 

Ty... I think my confusion also comes in because even though I like these people, I am never getting those “ I want to see you.” “.I miss your face..” type feelings when we are apart. I say it anyway, because I know they are what people want to hear, but In fact, I’m just relieved not to have to see them until usually 3 or 4 weeks  later.
 

Example: I do not want to see this guy I just got done spending two days with that much at all. . But he already today he invited  me out to his friend’s  party tmrw  and I know if I do not go he has other girls interested in him and they will probably be drunk and what if he finds someone he likes more who also likes him more  and then I can’t ever see him again ever?  This is my train of thought. I have no claim on him because we are not together. So I feel like I must go..And yes I do feel guilt bc I know he wants me to 
 

Then maybe I might be lonely if I haven’t dated at all and can’t find anyone even worth going on a date with. I have seriously considered trying to just keep some true male friends. Something I’ve never tried before( I just connect better friendship-wise with girls since I’m pretty feminine), but maybe it’s what I need. My parents and friends take a huge emotional reserves for me, so my romantic reserve  is very small. 
 

 

Edited June 12, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

25 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

No, it's not normal to fear abandonment and it can really cause problems for you in a relationship.  That fear can paradoxically cause you to behave in such a way that you make abandonment a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In other words, you might end up head-over-heels in love with a guy, then the fear of losing him kicks in and you start doing and saying things that end up chasing him off.  Where do you think your fear of abandonment comes from?  Do you think it's just a product of your anxiety or have you dealt with some traumatic events in your past that make you fear abandonment?

(I realize these are some pretty personal questions, including the one I asked you about being bullied.  I'm just trying to understand your situation so that I can give you the best advice I can, but I also understand that you might not feel comfortable discussing some of this on a public forum.  I'd offer to discuss it privately if you felt more comfortable with that, but it looks like I can't send a private message unless I pay for a premium subscription, which I'm not sold on just yet.)

All of that aside, you need to find some equilibrium between those two extremes (feeling overwhelmed and feeling lonely).  Pinballing between them definitely isn't going to help your anxiety or your overall mental health.  Sometimes you need to get comfortable with being alone and/or learn to love yourself (if you don't already) before you're ready to date or pursue a relationship otherwise your happiness can become too dependent on having someone in your life.  Make a list of all of your great qualities and use it as a reminder that you're so amazing you're in great company all by yourself.  

Thank you. It might be from being bullied? I had a group of friends who turned on me. In my relationships, I never really had a fear of them leaving  but  Most of  all of my relationships have been with pretty “needy” people. I spent most of my time wanting space. Thank you for your advice. You seem to know quite a bit. I can usually go like 3 months without feeling lonely, but when I do, I really do. I missed my dog too being over at that guys house for two nights. He said I could always bring my dog over, but it’s different for me because I need the time to ACTUALLY spend alone with my dog. 
 

25 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Sweetie there's a hell of a lot going on, I have anxiety disorder and it would trigger me to go out for two days straight then right back out again too. I make self-care the priority these days so strong boundaries are for the best plus enjoying time alone, feeling comfortable by myself.

I'm lonely with the lockdown but I'm still not writing to more than one person at a time, it's just too 'busy' for me.

I watched a movie on RedBox last night, 'Hooking Up', that was fun. 

ellener, but what if the guy you are seeing/dating and you start to get more serious and they want to see you regularly? You just say “no”? And you don’t feel anxious? I guess my next question would be is there any amount of time where you’d start to feel anxious/guilty not seeing them because you need time alone. 
 

Sorry you are feeling lonely. I was too until I ran into a string of luck, I guess. I am still a bit lonely I think. I hope you meet someone nice soon. I’ll have to check that movie . 
 

thank you. I have to go for my date now. Sucking it up  
 

 

[contel3]

I'm not sure if I can relate. I get quite bad anxiety, but for me its either about being scared of losing the other person, or of being engulfed in the relationship. The latter is when I'll start avoiding them.

Are you actually scared of losing them or is it about losing something yourself? (like your lifestyle, your independence, your emotional stability…..list goes on)

 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

You just say “no”? And you don’t feel anxious?

Yes, saying no doesn't make me anxious. The response tells me all I need to know.  I keep talking to different men and we'll see what transpires as we can get out more. 

I'm trying a new thing, dates by myself, where I do something different or fun just me since I can't invite anyone else, enjoying that!

[poppyfields]

C&D, I hate to say this but the way you feel -- the anxiety, the fears, liking someone but wanting to be alone at the same time, is exactly how “commitmentphobes” feel (for lack of better word).

Conflicting feelings of desiring something (a relationship) but fearing it at the same time.  Which fear manifests itself as severe anxiety and the feeling of wanting to cancel, run away and be alone.

I am wondering, given how you feel about this date tonight and all the anxiety, almost panic you feel about it, how in the world did you manage to spend 12-24 hours straight with camping guy including meeting his family?  Only two days ago! 

Perhaps you can tap into whatever mind exercises you used to pull that off successfully and apply those same exercises to your date tonight.

Just a thought. 

Edited June 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[MissBee]

Sounds like you may have an anxious attachment relationship style. Everyone has what's called an attachment style in relationships that usually develops from our childhood and you have secure attachment then insecure attachment and under insecure there is anxious-preoccupied attachment style, dismissive-avoidant and then ambivalent or fearful-avoidant. Google it and usually there are resources that describe the characteristics, see if any of them fit for you.

For me, knowing my attachment style was a very helpful key for understanding myself in dating as well as being able to identify the style of the other people I'm dating.

[basil67]

I don't have advice, but I want to say that while you don't have answers (yet) you've done an amazing job with being honest with yourself.  Even admitting to ourselves that we've being irrational is a challenge.   You've taken a really solid first step in figuring this out.

[Foxhall]

You probably just enjoy meeting different guys, you enjoy the company of different guys in different ways, you are not ready to settle for one just yet, you relish different varieties of conversation, different dating experiences

your a bit of a looker ( I have that perception anyway)  are smart and have a nice personality so you naturally get plenty of attention and have no shortage of them queueing up to date you,

you could be a little like my friend from Hungary, she has gone through a lot of guys (and girls too!) over the years, the last time I spoke to her she said anyway she was going exclusive with one guy for a year,  that eventually it gets too tiring and time to settle down!

perhaps when you get past the 30 mark you will settle for someone in particular

Its probably a little unfair on the guys who fall hard for you but sure look you are young and your having fun, I wouldnt stress too much,

 

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I hope I am not judged for this, but I am dating a few different people casually. A lot of people do this, especially in my generation. It is kind of expected.

I woke up today with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as fear/anxiety, which never used to happen to me when I wasn't dating. I have this fear that I am going to lose some of the people I am dating  

 

 I like a lot of these guys a lot and grow attached to them in a way, but not enough to be with them exclusively. It's irrational because when you do not become exclusive with people you can't be upset that they get someone else to become exclusive with who would become their first pick.

It's never bad until it gets somewhat serious or headed into that direction...then they want to see you a lot more often and it causes a lot of anxiety for me. I can barely sleep or eat sometimes. Before it heads in that direction, I don't get the bad feeling at all...

One guy in particular, I cannot seem to let him go. I have seen him probably 20 times this year. I fall off the map and then randomly miss him and text him so I can start seeing him again. And so far he has been available, however, I know one day I will lose sight of him and he will get tired of it and meet someone new. Which he totally should. I know he wants a gf, but I feel really anxious when he gets really close to me, I feel anxious and pressured. I feel scared.   Then after awhile these ease up and I contact him again to hang out.

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for casual dating, but I feel like with how my life and personality is, it might suit me best. I actually do quite well until things get serious? So maybe I should only see people a couple times and just have fun and cut off from them. If I stop dating period I can get a bit lonely after awhile. 

Even if I stop now, it won't help the people I am seeing now who it will be like a break up with...Hard to let go....

 

Can anyone relate to this?

Hey Cookies, well you’re right , I can relate. I tried to pm you the other day and say thanks but it says you aren’t able to receive messages. 
I’m actually really glad to see you make a post like this cos I was wondering when it would be. It sounds like what I like to think of as ugly duckling and black swan syndrome. I’m sure there’s probably a more technical term tho cos it’s more than just a fear of commitment.

I deleted the last hour and a half of writing I put here because it really didn’t make sense. I sort of regret it now. I just psychoanalysed myself and didn’t really answer any of your questions but I do know why I have done similar.  So I’m starting again and going to keep it simple. Using my phone so bear with me.

When you go from being the ugly duckling in early life with almost zero dating prospects in school , getting bullied and feeling so disconnected from where you should be, it takes its toll on you Growing up. Continually seeking approval from other people, seeking to know that you’re attractive or wanted. Not believing in yourself or undervaluing your self worth. It’s hard work isn’t it? 

When you turn into the black swan and overtake your peers, it can have a funny effect on you.  Because you know you have so many more options it’s incredibly easy to say “pass” on all your dates. Yet the ugly duckling insecurity keeps you tagging people along.  As soon as they show any sign of adoration and intimacy , we freak out and back off and then feel terrible for playing with peoples hearts. It’s a battle of the ego and the self. 
We played the game for our own benefit. It’s selfish. But that’s okay, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes just not at the expense of other peoples feelings. Which occasionally is unavoidable. 
 

Serial dating people for me was a mixed bag of fear of being alone , excitement, to feel wanted and adored,  fear of rejection, but more than anything else, and most importantly,  it was a distraction so I didn’t have to confront myself or deal with past issues or painful heart. It catches up with you eventually tho. 
And we keep these people around to feed the ego, appease the need for feeling wanted Or just for sex. It’s self destructive and serves only to benefit ourselves.  I still do it . But I’m aware of why I do it which has enabled me to reign it in a bit and plan how I do.
 

Doesn’t mean to say I won’t still meet someone amazing tho and end up falling hard for them way to soon. It’s happened this year already and I hadn’t even HAD the date at the point. Just a talk and a feeling of home in her eyes that made me say “potential” . 
Even tho I knew they weren’t right the first few days of speaking I didn’t think about any thinking else. I was Excited to get that attention most likely with someone new who I was attracted to.  
So I get that feelings you have , it’s like wearing your heart on your sleeve. That’s just excitement of all the positive potential you see in that person.  Then they show the negative side and you’re like “nahhh not for me” ...they find someone new and it hurts like hell because “I thought they wanted to be with me”. I want the attention but not the commitment. Not unless it’s damn near perfect and I know I’ll give it my all. 

Your fear of commitment and intimacy can come from many different things. It can be because we aren’t ready to give our heart to someone else yet. Or scared of being hurt, or hurting some one else. Or just because we are still enjoying being young and single- which is where I’m at but definitely pushing it at 34 and only admitted that to myself a few years ago when I realised I didn’t deserve nor was I ready for the love that I had available to me . 

Being the Black Swan plays a big part too. Just as much as the Ugly duckling. Whilst half your brain is busy tearing you a new one , the other half is busy reminding you how awesome you are. Reminding you that you have options. But the ugly duckling is nullifying that because that person found someone else who isn’t even a scratch on you. Why would they downgrade? What does that say about me? 
nothing about you . It only says that some people are serial relationshipers. Or maybe they just got lucky and met their one. Doubtful tho. So you still win. Just without their attention which leaves you open to meeting the right person . 

It makes you question your self worth and what you really want out of a partner. It can make commitment hard because you don’t want to settle but you want to find the right person.  You want to find the right person but you’re not ready to settle. But how do we know this? We don’t . When the right one comes along then all the rules go out of the window. It’s happens before. 

TLDR New ground rules - Hang out with friends. Sex with one night stands or arranged situation. Date those you only see true potential in. That’s how I do these days. 

Ive had exactly the same issues before and even still carry some of them , as you have,  and if I’m totally honest with myself , it’s only been for my benefit and sense of self worth. It goes back to insecurity in ones self and is portrayed in a collection of people that are kept about to make sure we feel like the black swan. The ugly duckling gives you the fear. 

You don’t need a shrink you just need to be very honest with yourself about why you do these things and why you scare at commitment and intimacy. Occasionally the ugly duckling will come along and try to drown the swan which is what will always keep you humble and more than likely give you the answers you need from yourself. 
I know some of this post won’t make much sense to people but I know that there are a few key things in here cookies that will help you open some doors and start knowing where to look. I wouldn’t say it was a confusing situation , you just need a few answers from yourself. 

It’s a fun journey! ❤️ 

Edit - OMG this was empty when I started writing and now you have 2 pages of replies! Captain Slow here 🤣

Edited June 12, 2020 by Fox Sake
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