do I need to tell my spouse about affair?

[Buffer]

By not divulging your EA, you will assume you got away with it. You got away with lying, so no consequence to your wilful deceit. 

So later, you will be thinking I got away with it that time, why can’t I get away with it again? Hubby finds out your next EA or PA. Twice as much pain for him, or

If you didn’t get caught, but he finds out months or years of your lies, it will be a double betrayal, one the EA and two the years of lies. 
Buffer

[oldlion]

Sometimes confessions do more damage to the relationship than the actual EA. The man lives in a totally different country and has no way of ever making contact again. There was no physical contact so what would a confession accomplish? How many people that encourage confessions have secrets that they have never told? Having been gone on deployments about 10 years out of the first 25 years we were married, my wife whom I love more than anything in this world, may even have a couple of secrets. I have never ask and I never intend to. I think you should do what you consider is best for you and your husband. Something along the line of, "He who is without sin let him cast the first stone." I do wish you well.

[IslandSanctuary]

I'm totally faithful to my wife and expect the same. I have no secrets. 

[Amethyst68]

And if one of these real life friends starts making the same kind of moves? What changes will you have made within yourself to stop yourself making the same selfish choices again in the future?

I'm not trying to be harsh but people who try and white knuckle their way through this on their own are rarely successful.

[vocalize]

19 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

And if one of these real life friends starts making the same kind of moves? What changes will you have made within yourself to stop yourself making the same selfish choices again in the future?

I'm not trying to be harsh but people who try and white knuckle their way through this on their own are rarely successful.

Never going to happen. I have low self esteem and do not feel comfortable at all with flirting with anyone in real life. 

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

On 5/26/2020 at 7:24 AM, vocalize said:

Never going to happen. I have low self esteem and do not feel comfortable at all with flirting with anyone in real life. 

FYI there are a lot of playas out there who specifically target married women with low self esteem because they know how exactly how to manipulate low self esteem.  They have whole game routines based around it.  So be careful, not only are you not immune, but you're a specific target to a certain type RL guy who wants some strings-free sex.

Edited May 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[pepperbird]

12 minutes ago, vocalize said:

Never going to happen. I have low self esteem and do not feel comfortable at all with flirting with anyone in real life. 

I;m like you- terribly shy. I;'m also autistic, so human relationships are difficult for me to navigate at the best of times.I can't read people at all, and knowing this, I have to be careful.
It sounds like you have learned something similar about  yourself. What will you do to keep from getting caught up in an affair in the future? How did the one you just ended get started in the first place? Do you have any real life friends you can meet with or at least talk to on the phone?


 

Edited May 26, 2020 by pepperbird

[usa1ah]

10 hours ago, vocalize said:

I don't know what evidence is good enough to prove except that right now I'm so emotionally distraught that I will never ever allow myself to do this to my husband again. 

Sigh.. I guess I'm not normal and just screwed-up since I succumbed to an affair out of loneliness. My husband and I recently moved to a new place and I'm finding it hard to make new friends. I'm a pretty shy person in real life and feel uncomfortable meeting new people, that's why I was so addicted to the online gaming community where I met the AP. The game was an addiction and like a drug, it clouded my judgement. I also liked the attention and flattery, I believed every sweet talk and declarations of love, that's one of the reasons I did what I did. I'm a fool, I know. But I truly do feel awful, that's why I've reached out to this forum, hoping to get some help that I can't get in real life. 

But I'm determined to change, to connect more with real life friends, join some activities and volunteer to help me cope and never fall into such a black hole again. 

Had your husband been gone?

 

Not having friends is no excuse for what you did. Being lonely should have steered you towards your husband for comfort and companionship. 
 

Instead you started an online affair where you sent the OM pics of you doing who knows what. 
 

You need therapy it find out why. 
 

You need to tell your husband to help hold you accountable for what happened and to help to keep it from happening again. 
 

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

You will never figure this out if you play the poor me card. Low self esteem can be fix through therapy. Your marriage can be fixed by be honest with your husband. Up to you with what you do. 

[Bittersweetie]

I would suggest taking a good, hard look as to why you thought it was okay to sext and send each other pictures. "Having an argument" is not a valid excuse, because what will happen when another argument happens? Even though the affair didn't get very far, you disrespected your marriage, your husband, and yourself. You need to find the reasoning behind your choices or history will repeat itself.

I say all this as a wayward wife myself. I have no doubt that if I hadn't done some deep self-reflection and changed my ways of thinking and coping skills, I would've made the same choices again. Every time I found a reason for my actions, I kept on looking. The first reason I came up with ended up being the least impactful on my actions. And all these reasons were issues within me...how I dealt with things.

As for telling, that is a personal decision. However, I do advocate for truth (and I am a wayward spouse myself). Now my circumstances were different in that my affair was longer and physical. But the relationship between my H and I is now built on a solid foundation of truth...despite the ugliness of that truth. He knows all of me, good and bad. I don't ever have to worry because everything is out there. And my husband has the truth of his own life so he can make the choices he needs to make. This isn't a choice you need to make this instant, but it is something you should think hard about in relation to all of your more recent choices.

P.S. I just read your posts about moving and low self-esteem, and how you're going to take some concrete actions (volunteer etc) to avoid this again. That's a great start. Keep going with that...as my husband says: "Keep peeling that onion."

[carhill]

Welcome to LS... my .02...

Typically, I advise MW's to tell their spouse if they intend to remain married. If intending to divorce, divorce. However, that's been related to real live affairs, with ILY's, sex, all that stuff. Virtual stuff, IDK, especially where people don't know each other outside of electrons and in a medium where anyone can be anyone, generally anonymously. Still, choosing to engage in that behavior is one's sole responsibility. In your case, I'd suggest IC for your self esteem, tasking the counselor to teach tools to build and maintain personal boundaries, then address the marital issues in MC and engage your spouse, this of course presuming you wish to continue your marriage. Neither you nor your spouse are perfect, nor is your marriage perfect. It is your choice. If the foundation of your marriage is good, you have a strong chance of success. If weak, meh, if no kids I'd move on. Billions of people on the planet and life is finite. I don't believe in all that make your bed lay in it stuff. We have free will and divorce for a reason. Whatever your choice, think your reasons through. Good luck!

[Robert2016]

You got lucky and caught yourself before it became a PA.  If you worked with the OM or he was local, things may have gone in another direction.

One of the most damaging aspects of cheating is the destruction of your husband's trust in you.  Your tears, promises, statements of love will do absolutely nothing to convince him to trust you again.   The drama may work in the short term, but in the long term you need a plan (that you can share with him) to rebuild his trust in you.  

I suggest you google the topic "not just friends".  There's excellent articles and books on the topic.

There's been a lot of research on couples that experienced infidelity.  They found that good people have affairs (it almost always starts as 'friends') and identified common behaviors/lack of boundaries that put them on a slippery slope to cheating.  More important, they found that there are certain things you can do to avoid putting your marriage at risk.

People (you) are ultimately judged on behavior not their promises.  I suggest you do some reading (and learn what you can do besides state "I'll never cheat again") before you decide if and how to confess to your husband. 

That way you can  develop a plan to manage your vulnerability.   IMO, before you confess take some time to develop a plan to make yourself safe (your husband will appreciate it and it will go a long way to making him feel safe with you).

FINALLY, studies show that texting has the same impact on the human brain as face to face contact.  Studies also show that texting triggers the same part of the human brain as cocaine.  You feeling intoxicated from his attention is very understandable.  Even people with high self esteem enjoy texting. 

Now you know you have  a texting 'addiction' vulnerability, you can remove yourself from social media situations where other men can text you privately. Don't ever allow yourself onto that slippery slope again.

However, this is bigger than just texting.  This EA just revealed a vulnerability in you to attention from other men.     

You need to identify and implement boundaries in all areas of your life (not just online) with respect to other men to protect your marriage.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Robert2016

[Buffer]

11 hours ago, vocalize said:

Never going to happen. I have low self esteem and do not feel comfortable at all with flirting with anyone in real life. 

But you already did, got away with it with no consequences so there is more incentive to do it again. Or start it up again. Please tell. Communication x3 

Buffer

[K.K.]

Nope. Why tell your husband that you got off to a stranger online? In the big scheme of things what does it matter? You didn’t have sex with the guy. Fantasy sex doesn’t count. If getting turned on to something a stranger online did or said was cheating, most every single one of us that ever viewed porn or flirted with strangers or thought of them later while getting off would be guilty as hell. 

What’s the point of telling? To hurt him? Seems to me that the whole telling the spouse thing is always about relieving your own guilt more than anything. You want to confess? Go to a priest. He has no dog in the fight. Why tell your husband and add insult to injury? Let him live in bliss and deal with your own ‘guilt’ by yourself.
 

 

 

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Emilie Jolie]

12 hours ago, K.K. said:

Nope. Why tell your husband that you got off to a stranger online? In the big scheme of things what does it matter? You didn’t have sex with the guy. Fantasy sex doesn’t count. If getting turned on to something a stranger online did or said was cheating, most every single one of us that ever viewed porn or flirted with strangers or thought of them later while getting off would be guilty as hell. 

^^ That's probably not cheating territory,  but cheating isn't just having physical sex, though. It's doing something behind your SO's back you know is a red line for them, whatever it is. Hence the guilty feelings.

Keeping a secret sexting thing going on with the same guy for 3 months is much closer to full-on affair territory than getting off on some NBA player who doesn't know you exist - right?

I don't personally think I'd flip a switch if the SO came to me and told me he'd been having camera sex with some woman he's 'met' online (or maybe I would...😬, not actually sure), but I'd prefer to know if that means there's an underlying issue in our couple (or with him) that I'm not aware of. 

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Honest_Interest]

with no consequences, It will happen again 

[pepperbird]

7 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

^^ That's probably not cheating territory,  but cheating isn't just having physical sex, though. It's doing something behind your SO's back you know is a red line for them, whatever it is. Hence the guilty feelings.

Keeping a secret sexting thing going on with the same guy for 3 months is much closer to full-on affair territory than getting off on some NBA player who doesn't know you exist - right?

I don't personally think I'd flip a switch if the SO came to me and told me he'd been having camera sex with some woman he's 'met' online (or maybe I would...😬, not actually sure), but I'd prefer to know if that means there's an underlying issue in our couple (or with him) that I'm not aware of. 

 

Th real questions the OP needs to ask herself is (a) how this got started in the first place and (b) if she would have met with this guy if the opportunity had presented itself. Only she knows the answers to those, and I hope she's being honest with herself in her reflections.

[Just a Guy]

Hi vocalize, sorry to see you getting the kind of beating that you are from folks on here. Most folks mean well but they all have their own axe to grind. Some have been where you are , others like me have no personal experience of infidelity. However, I am a believer in the principle of casting the first stone only if I am guiltless and quite frankly, I do not have the standing to say that I am free of guilt or sin so that I have the right to call you out. You seem terribly remorseful to me and in your case I am prepared to grant you the leeway you need to think this out for yourself rather than be guilted or dictated into taking action against your better sense or against your own wishes. Nevertheless, you came to this forum asking a fundamental question which was whether you should tell your husband about your indiscretion or not. To my knowledge you have not been able to answer that question for yourself inspite of various pros and cons having been strewn in your path. 

I cannot answer that question for you. However, I have one piece of advice to offer you which may help you decide. My advice to you is that if you wish to live a life of happily ever after with your husband in an authentic manner so as to have an authentic marriage, you have to be fully transparent with your husband. You cannot have secrets between the two of you especially about a matter which hits at the very foundation of your marriage. It is entirely up to you as to whether you want to tell or not. The future course of your marriage will be decided by what you decide to do. Warm wishes.

Edited May 29, 2020 by Just a Guy
Correction of spelling error.

[pepperbird]

21 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi vocalize, sorry to see you getting the kind of beating that you are from folks on here. Most folks mean well but they all have their own axe to grind. Some have been where you are , others like me have no personal experience of infidelity. However, I am a believer in the principle of casting the first stone only if I am guiltless and quite frankly, I do not have the standing to say that I am free of guilt or sin so that I have the right to call you out. You seem terribly remorseful to me and in your case I am prepared to grant you the leeway you need to think this out for yourself rather than be guilted or dictated into taking action against your better sense or against your own wishes. Nevertheless, you came to this forum asking a fundamental question which was whether you should tell your husband about your indiscretion or not. To my knowledge you have not been able to answer that question for yourself inspite of various pros and cons having been strewn in your path. 

I cannot answer that question for you. However, I have one piece of advice to offer you which may help you decide. My advice to you is that if you wish to live a life of happily ever after with your husband in an authentic manner so as to have an authentic marriage, you have to be fully transparent with your husband. You cannot have secrets between the two of you especially about a matter which hits at the very foundation of your marriage. It is entirely up to you as to whether you want to tell or not. The future course of your marriage will be decided by what you decide to do. Warm wishes.

it's exactly the people who have stood in her hsuband's shoes that she should be listening to. they know what it's like to have been betrayed the way her husband has.

[Lotsgoingon]

Go to therapy on your own first. Usually I think disclosing is best, but I don't think you're on solid ground. I don't think you have the needed clarity about why you had the affair. You gotta face what was going on in the relationship that wasn't working. If the AP made you feel good, what was making you feel bad in the marriage? Why weren't you addressing that?

What about the lost pregnancies? Did you feel your husband consoled you about these losses? If not, and you pretended you were fine, you totally set yourself up for an affair. 

Find a good therapist, get stronger, get clearer, then decide on whether to disclose. Right now, you are NOT ready to handle the fallout and go through the recovery of a disclosure.  Disclosing, as honest as it sounds, would be dropping a bomb on a table without any understanding of how to minimize the bomb damage and how to rebuild after the bomb detonates. 

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Go to therapy on your own first. Usually I think disclosing is best, but I don't think you're on solid ground. I don't think you have the needed clarity about why you had the affair. You gotta face what was going on in the relationship that wasn't working. If the AP made you feel good, what was making you feel bad in the marriage? Why weren't you addressing that?

What about the lost pregnancies? Did you feel your husband consoled you about these losses? If not, and you pretended you were fine, you totally set yourself up for an affair. 

Find a good therapist, get stronger, get clearer, then decide on whether to disclose. Right now, you are NOT ready to handle the fallout and go through the recovery of a disclosure.  Disclosing, as honest as it sounds, would be dropping a bomb on a table without any understanding of how to minimize the bomb damage and how to rebuild after the bomb detonates. 

ironically, it's this sort of focus on herself as a singular unit that has helped her to end up where she has. It;s all about her needs, what she wants, how she feels. I'm not getting the vibe from the OP that she's a selfish person at all, and I think that, as a couple, the two of them can come back from this if they both really want to.

I think she should tell her husband, but I'm not her. All I can do is give her my opinion and wish her well. I do hope she's able to find happiness with her husband.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

"Focus on herself" can be a path to becoming a better person, a person with better boundaries, who is clear on commitment, who stands up for herself and who can balance her needs and desires with a spouse's needs and desires..

She reports having two miscarriages. Miscarriages are devastating. So easy for male spouses to not grasp how devastating they are ... Actually women sometimes try to minimize the pain and anguish because miscarriages can evoke feelings of shame and inadequacy and failure ... and fear that they are not being a good spouse for their partner. 

My guess is that the OP has unresolved pain and abandonment and failure from the miscarriages. Good luck working through that pain while dropping a bomb about an affair. 

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I think Lotsgoingon has it right and there is a strong possibility that the OP is deeply affected by having had two miscarriages in a row. Actually, I am surprised that it is Lots who has brought this factor up being a man and not Pepper bird who, being a woman was more likely to empathize with the OP on this account. While the points raised by Pepper are valid, I think one has to be flexible in one's views when dealing with individual cases on this forum. I would think a one size fits all approach may not be correct in all the cases of people who come here for advice. Most often the kind of advice offered by Pepper would be apt for the kind of affair that the OP had but there can always be extenuating circumstances, as I believe are applicable in the OP's case. 

That said, she is an adult and is responsible for her actions and her choices. She cannot expect to have a happy and successful relationship with her husband as long as there is this elephant in the room with them. Sooner or later she will have to decide how and when she is going to resolve the matter. Transparency in her relationship with her husband is an essential ingredient for a successful and authentic marriage and she has to face that dynamic head on. She has not returned to respond to comments made by folks on here for a while. Hopefully, she will come back and take from the advice offered what she requires, to solve her dilemma. Warm wishes.

Edited May 31, 2020 by Just a Guy
Corrections.

[vocalize]

On 5/28/2020 at 9:19 PM, pepperbird said:

Th real questions the OP needs to ask herself is (a) how this got started in the first place and (b) if she would have met with this guy if the opportunity had presented itself. Only she knows the answers to those, and I hope she's being honest with herself in her reflections.

Why did I let it happen in the first place? I admit that I liked the attention and flattery that AP gave me and I was not strong enough to say no. It was just flirting in the beginning, and then a couple of pics, but no compromising pics with headshots. And at that time, it felt less sinful than an actual physical affair, of which I am 110% certain I would never engage in. I have never (and will never) flirted with any other guy in real life while I was with my husband or when I was dating.

I don’t think I’m ready to tell right now due to so many reasons. I feel horrible at how hurt and angry my husband will be if I tell him. Yes, many have said that going into the affair already caused him to be hurt, but there is a difference in that only I am suffering right now instead of both of us. Ironically, I did bring this up to AP in the beginning, that we shouldn’t be doing this because we’re hurting our spouses. Sadly, I didn’t end it earlier cos I’m weak and gullible. If I could go back and change what I did, I would absolutely.

Does anyone know of any online site where I can reach out to a good therapist or counsellor? I’m not sure if I’m comfortable going to see one in real life.

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, vocalize said:

Why did I let it happen in the first place? I admit that I liked the attention and flattery that AP gave me and I was not strong enough to say no. It was just flirting in the beginning, and then a couple of pics, but no compromising pics with headshots. And at that time, it felt less sinful than an actual physical affair, of which I am 110% certain I would never engage in. I have never (and will never) flirted with any other guy in real life while I was with my husband or when I was dating.

I don’t think I’m ready to tell right now due to so many reasons. I feel horrible at how hurt and angry my husband will be if I tell him. Yes, many have said that going into the affair already caused him to be hurt, but there is a difference in that only I am suffering right now instead of both of us. Ironically, I did bring this up to AP in the beginning, that we shouldn’t be doing this because we’re hurting our spouses. Sadly, I didn’t end it earlier cos I’m weak and gullible. If I could go back and change what I did, I would absolutely.

Does anyone know of any online site where I can reach out to a good therapist or counsellor? I’m not sure if I’m comfortable going to see one in real life.

It's good to see that you've been doing a lot of reflection, and I can understand feeling uneasy about speaking with a counsellor in real life. I haven't used one myself ( we see a counsellor in person) but from what I understand, there's lots who offer services online, especially now. The hardest part can often be working up the courage to make the appointment, but once you do, it can be like a huge weight has been lifted. If you don't click with your first counsellor, don't give up. Keep trying until you find one who you feel safe with but who also challenges you to do the hard work of healing.
Bets of luck to you- I do hope you can move forward :)