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do I need to tell my spouse about affair?


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I had an online affair for about 3 months. There was no physical contact, just sexting and sending pictures. It ended over a week ago. My relationship with my spouse is wonderful, we don't have any major problems. The reason I cheated was because I was feeling lonely at that time. However, my spouse has been my rock and as twisted as it sounds, his love is helping me to get over the affair breakup. 

My question is, do I need to tell my spouse? If I don't, will it cause any problems in the future? 

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ExpatInItaly

How do you feel lonely in the marriage when you also say you don't have any significant problems?

You need to address that problem, regardless of whether you decide to tell him. That will cause problems in the future if you two don't discuss it now because it will leave you ripe for another affair if you start feeling lonely again. Also, why did the affair end - because you ended it, or did the other man? 

As to whether or not to tell him - only you can decide if he needs to know. You're going to get a lot of mixed responses here, from advising you not to share because it will cause undue strain on you husband, to advising you to come clean so he can decide what to do from here. What is your gut telling you?

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Will it cause issues in the future to not tell? Absolutely.

Holding a secret will create a barrier in your marriage,  it will prevent you from being open. Judging from your post, this will get tougher for you the longer to hold it.

As for the lonely part...what changed that made you feel lonely at the time? I ask because more often then not it's a BS excuse to justify what you're doing.  If it is a real issue then you need to figure out how to handle it in the future. 

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rude
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Amethyst68

Yes you need to tell him 

* firstly because it's the right thing to do

* secondly and perhaps more importantly there's absolutely nothing in your post that indicates there won't be a repeat performance.

Nothing, no remorse, not even any regret. IMO you'll keep doing this over and over and eventually it'll go physical. If you tell your husband and see the damage you've caused it may stop you in the future.

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rude
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salparadise
On 5/25/2020 at 1:51 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

As to whether or not to tell him - only you can decide if he needs to know. You're going to get a lot of mixed responses here, from advising you not to share because it will cause undue strain on you husband, to advising you to come clean so he can decide what to do from here. What is your gut telling you?

Yup, ^ this is the truth.

Practically speaking, I think there is a lot of difference between a physical affair vs. getting caught up in a texting-sexting fantasy type of thing. If you confess to your husband, not only will he be wounded, but it's probable that the sh*t will hit the fan... and to be sure his concept of you is going to be permanently damaged. I think it's good that you've returned your focus to the marriage, and I'd hate to see that destroyed by an ill advised confession. Remember, those who tell you to do that have no standing whatsoever. This must be your decision, perhaps with the guidance of a therapist... and for the life of me, I can't see any upside to confessing. This thing about purity of thought or whatever they call it is laughable. It's likely to destroy or permanently damage the relationship more than you have already.

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Thank you all for your response. I do feel a lot of remorse and guilt. I just didn't write it out. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well throughout the whole affair. We sort of ended it together because the AP is also married.  

And now I feel awful every day. A mixed of disgust with myself,  regret, heartbroken,  guilt, and so many things I don't know how to describe and have just been bottling it up. I know that I will not ever do this again. I have made a decision to exit the social circle that I met this AP in.

I was feeling lonely because we have no kids and at that time my spouse and I had an argument over something. We've dealt with it and our relationship is good now. The whole lockdown period has helped us become closer as we've been spending a lot more time together. 

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Thanks salparadise. 

At this moment, my gut says no because I don't think I can handle the fall-out. I'm already feeling awful from everything that happened and the only bright spark in my life right now is my husband and his love. I guess it is selfish, but I'm afraid of losing my mind if I confess and having to deal with the aftermath. 

Unfortunately I can't tell anyone in my life about this. I'm not religious but I did speak to God and ask for forgiveness. But sometimes it's comforting and enlightening to get advice from other people, so I'm grateful for all the replies. 

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IndigoNight

Not telling him should be because the very idea of hurting him so deeply makes you feel physically ill,  NOT to save your own @as. You screwed up, and now you want top avoid paying the price. If your husband did the save, would you forgive him? 

I'm not saying tell him, because it will cause him to suffer. I'm not suggesting that you hide it either, as he deserves the truth.  If the only thing stopping you is you worrying about your own pain, it's the wrong reason. 

Must have been one heck of an argument to make you feel so lonely that you sought out another man. 🙄

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Amethyst68
On 5/25/2020 at 5:43 AM, vocalize said:

I'm not religious but I did speak to God and ask for forgiveness. 

If you're not religious then forgive me but what's the point, surely it's meaningless apart from an empty  box exercise, you can now say God forgives me. That's not how it works!

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pepperbird
2 hours ago, vocalize said:

Thank you all for your response. I do feel a lot of remorse and guilt. I just didn't write it out. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well throughout the whole affair. We sort of ended it together because the AP is also married.  

And now I feel awful every day. A mixed of disgust with myself,  regret, heartbroken,  guilt, and so many things I don't know how to describe and have just been bottling it up. I know that I will not ever do this again. I have made a decision to exit the social circle that I met this AP in.

I was feeling lonely because we have no kids and at that time my spouse and I had an argument over something. We've dealt with it and our relationship is good now. The whole lockdown period has helped us become closer as we've been spending a lot more time together. 

Before I answer whether or not I think you should tell, I would ask you a few questions. The first would be why you made a series of choices over a period of time to cheat on your husband. The "we got in a  fight" doesn't cut it. This went as far as sexting/sending photos. Why? Why would you want to hurt your husband like that?
Second, can you honestly look at your behaviour and see where it went wrong? What choices would you make differently if this happened again?

I'm almost always in the "tell" camp. My suggestion would be to put off making a decision until you've done some hard work on yourself. When you feel you're ready, take a look at your situation. If you can say with 100 percent certainty that this was a one off, you might be able to keep it. However, that will require that you lie to your husband pretty much every day for the rest of your marriage. Is tat really the type of relation ship you want? Only you can answer that.

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stillafool
2 hours ago, vocalize said:

I was feeling lonely because we have no kids and at that time my spouse and I had an argument over something

I have to tell you your excuse for cheating is a new one.  Most married people say they cheat because the stress of family life caused them to grow apart and feel neglected.  If you want kids there's always adoption and foster parenting if you can't have your own.

 

2 hours ago, vocalize said:

At this moment, my gut says no because I don't think I can handle the fall-out. I'm already feeling awful from everything that happened and the only bright spark in my life right now is my husband and his love. I guess it is selfish, but I'm afraid of losing my mind if I confess and having to deal with the aftermath. 

It really is all about you isn't it?  You are now afraid of losing your mind if you confess but you mention nothing about being afraid of losing your husband.  You don't love him or you wouldn't have done this.

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Clearly, you need to develop better coping skills if your solution to feeling lonely is to cheat on your husband and then your reason for not telling him is because you can’t deal with the fall-out without losing your mind.

What are you doing to work on yourself? What are you going to do to develop better communication skills, to learn to deal with the anxiety, to work on your ability to handle stress, to develop more resiliency? 

Edited by BaileyB
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Emilie Jolie

I can't really relate to any part of this (the cheating part and the online part) but 3 months is a fairly long time.

I'm of the view that not telling is sort of justifiable for one-offs (ONS or online equivalent), but anything longer than that is a choice. 

What if there's another bump in your marriage (spoiler= there will be)? What if it's a red line for your H? Can he find out by other means?

 

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8 hours ago, vocalize said:

My question is, do I need to tell my spouse? If I don't, will it cause any problems in the future? 

That depends on what type of person you are. If you are someone who has been comfortable with making excuses for yourself all your life, then you can most likely successfully hide your indiscretion.

It depends on who you are and what choices you make when faced with a stressful situation. Some people would have assuaged their loneliness by reading a good book or volunteered at a charity. Your choice was an online affair. That was your choice.

Now that things are better, the brain wiring that allowed you choose the affair is lying dormant. Counting the hours until you once again become romantically disinterested in your SO. You didn't get caught. What's the harm? You're just borrowing a few moments from your marriage so you can feel special again.

If you want to hide the affair then hide it but you must make yourself pay a personal price. Get into therapy and discover why you made the decision to cheat on your spouse for I guarantee that your future is full of spaces of time where the pathway you have laid down in your mind will once again become active. 

 

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Gr8fuln2020
6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you feel lonely in the marriage when you also say you don't have any significant problems?

You need to address that problem, regardless of whether you decide to tell him. That will cause problems in the future if you two don't discuss it now because it will leave you ripe for another affair if you start feeling lonely again. Also, why did the affair end - because you ended it, or did the other man? 

As to whether or not to tell him - only you can decide if he needs to know. You're going to get a lot of mixed responses here, from advising you not to share because it will cause undue strain on you husband, to advising you to come clean so he can decide what to do from here. What is your gut telling you?

Yep. I hope those naked pics don't make it out and compromise you in anyway or make its way to your husband with whom there are no problems. 

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Amethyst68

What you have to consider is what you're to going to do when things get back to normal. You and your husband's work schedules are going to be the same as they used to be, you still won't have any kids what's going to fill that void, that loneliness? What's going to prevent you from doing this again in the future.

You need to be digging deep trying to figure out why you thought this behaviour was acceptable. 

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WorldsSecondGreatestLover

Here's a risk in NOT confessing:

It's possible your OM's wife will find out about it, and contact your husband with the info.  If that happens, it would have been better if you had confessed.

Did you trade nudes or was it just text flirting?  If another man out there in the world is running around with pictures of your breasts, that's something your husband should really know.

If it was just flirty-sexy-talk, so long as you never do it again or ever put yourself into a situation where you COULD do it again, it's probably okay to just let it go and be a better wife from here on out.

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9 hours ago, vocalize said:

I had an online affair for about 3 months. There was no physical contact, just sexting and sending pictures.

it sounds flippant to say 'do you call that an affair?' but it's probably related to why your marriage wasn't satisfying. It's pretty much online porn-sharing, which isn't a relationship at all. It would not fill a void for loneliness for me. 

I'm not an advocate of 'confess all' to save a marriage, because it seldom will, but I do think honesty with yourself is where to start, maybe with a counsellor to work out why you would be doing this online when there's a real live man next to you.

Good luck ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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Spainglish

If the thought of hurting him is too much to bare, and you don't tell him, you must take it to your grave.  You will live with the risk of him finding out or your relationship never being the same again.  You will be carrying this secret and living each day with anxiety, wondering if this is the day he finds out. It certainly will change the dynamics in your relationship. 

If you tell him, you risk losing him but there is also a chance he will be willing to forgive you.  It could be the opportunity to talk about feeling lonely and figuring out how to improve your relationship.

 Either way there is a risk and you need to be prepared for the consequences.  Then again, you probably already knew there would be consequences when you started your affair. 
The real question now is whether you're willing to take responsibility and deal with them, whatever they may be. 

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The thing is, if you don't tell, these things are likely to happen:

- You'll cheat again because the issues within yourself that caused you to cheat will go unresolved.

- You will continue to blame your husband for the affair.

- He'll find out and it will be worse than if you had told him.

- You'll get stuck in a shame cycle.

I do find it amusing that people who have been wayward in their own marriage are the ones who recommend continuing to lie to and deceive your spouse. I guess it's not a big surprise. Telling him about it is not what will damage your marriage, the damage was already done when you allowed yourself to enter into an affair.

Be aware that in your husband's mind, every day that goes by that you don't own up to your affair is another day that he will feel his marriage was a lie. That will crush him and wipe out every happy memory of his time with you. I didn't find out for almost 8 years and that made it much, much worse.

If you haven't already, get yourself into IC with a counsellor experienced in infidelity, and one that will hold you accountable and help you to become a safe partner.

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Personally, I would NOT want to be told if it's over and my spouse was determined to not have another affair.  She feels the same.  If it's an active affair in progress, then yes, I'd want to know so I could decide if I wanted to intervene or just leave.  Yes, you have to be able to keep the secret forever, but it's truly not worth worrying about whether someone else will find out and tell your spouse.  It probably won't happen.  The only advantages of confessing are to relieve your burden while shifting the pain of it onto your spouse, and to control the timing and narrative better than if someone else reveals it.  (While reliable statistics on this are difficult to come by, over 90% of women's affairs are never revealed, and over 85% of men's affairs are not found out, and the wayward spouse usually has no trouble living with what they've done.)  Whether you reveal the affair or someone else does, the results are going to be very similar.  Only you know enough to evaluate the risks and advantages of confessing, or not.

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I would absolutely want to know if my spouse had an affair. Without a doubt, I don’t appreciate someone else making decisions for me and I don’t appreciate someone keeping MY truth from me - the truth about my marriage and the person I had trusted to be my life partner. The fact that I have a dishonest, untrustworthy, unfaithful partner is most definitely something I want to know because even if I chose to stay in the marriage, it most definitely changes how I interact with my spouse. It changes everything. 

I also don’t see any evidence here that this will not happen again. The same conditions that led to the affair continue to exist,  OP has done none of the work to determine what led her to this decision and how to cope differently with loneliness and marital stress in the future. How could you know for certain that she is resolved to never have another affair? It’s true what was said above, most people when faced with loneliness and boredom will start a new hobby, join a yoga class, or volunteer for charity. Very few people would chose to engage in an online affair and send nude pictures to other men... the fact that this was the chosen coping strategy here makes this very concerning...

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The affair happened within an online gaming community that I am part of. I have made the decision to leave the community so that my transgression never happens again. I am very certain that my husband will never find out because the AP lives in a different country and does not know any details of my husband or where I live. 

I realize how selfish/weak I have been/still am. I'm afraid to tell my husband because it will ruin our marriage (and of course I don't want to hurt him) and it is the most important thing to me. 

I will think about everything that has been said here and evaluate whether or not to confess. Thank you, I truly appreciate all the advice. 

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16 minutes ago, vocalize said:

I have made the decision to leave the community so that my transgression never happens again. 

You will have many situations in life where cheating will be a temptation. Women get hit on all the time in almost every situation, so I would not assume that leaving the online community where the cheating happened will be a solution to the problem. Finding out why you did it with the help of a competent counsellor on the other hand can make all the difference.

Who broke it off? If it was him, then it's likely because his wife found out. If that is the case, it would likely be ongoing and escalating if he didn't stop it.

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