do I need to tell my spouse about affair?

[stillafool]

Why haven't you and your husband had kids if that is what you want?

[vocalize]

3 minutes ago, Zona said:

You will have many situations in life where cheating will be a temptation. Women get hit on all the time in almost every situation, so I would not assume that leaving the online community where the cheating happened will be a solution to the problem. Finding out why you did it with the help of a competent counsellor on the other hand can make all the difference.

Who broke it off? If it was him, then it's likely because his wife found out. If that is the case, it would likely be ongoing and escalating if he didn't stop it.

You're right, one of the reasons I made the mistake of getting into the affair was because he kept hitting on me and although I was really hesitant in the beginning, I eventually fell for all the sweet talk.

We sort of broke it off together, it was messy. I always had the guilt looming over me and it unconsciously made me destroy the relationship by constantly getting into fights with AP. I guess someone was trying to help me to get out of it and back on the right path. 

[vocalize]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you and your husband had kids if that is what you want?

I have medical problems and lost 2 pregnancies. 

[stillafool]

Have you thought about adoption?

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Vocalize, something to consider:

IN GENERAL, for men, a non-physical affair isn't as impactful as an emotional one.  This is for biological reasons.  Unless your husband is from Seattle or San Francisco, you're projecting female concerns onto him (i.e. a female is impacted worse by a spouse's emotional affair than by a loveless physical one).  Like, he'll be mad, and he'll want to monitor, but unless you're bad-mouthing your husband in the texts and telling how desperate you are to leave this loser and go to gaming community studmuffin winner, you're PROBABLY overestimating your husband's reaction.

Men will typically be annoyed by an emotional affair, but it won't have the gut-punch + mind movies that a physical affair would give.

Edited May 25, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[vocalize]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Have you thought about adoption?

Not really. 

[pepperbird]

47 minutes ago, vocalize said:

The affair happened within an online gaming community that I am part of. I have made the decision to leave the community so that my transgression never happens again. I am very certain that my husband will never find out because the AP lives in a different country and does not know any details of my husband or where I live. 

I realize how selfish/weak I have been/still am. I'm afraid to tell my husband because it will ruin our marriage (and of course I don't want to hurt him) and it is the most important thing to me. 

I will think about everything that has been said here and evaluate whether or not to confess. Thank you, I truly appreciate all the advice. 

I'm concerned when you feel the main reason to not tell him is to cover your behind, and you sort of tack on not wanting to hurt his feelings as an afterthought.

Why?

[pepperbird]

14 minutes ago, vocalize said:

You're right, one of the reasons I made the mistake of getting into the affair was because he kept hitting on me and although I was really hesitant in the beginning, I eventually fell for all the sweet talk.

We sort of broke it off together, it was messy. I always had the guilt looming over me and it unconsciously made me destroy the relationship by constantly getting into fights with AP. I guess someone was trying to help me to get out of it and back on the right path. 

yeah, I'm not buying the "it was only surcease I was lonely, it was just sexting" bit. You got emotionally connected to him-otherwise, it wouldn't have been "messy" or difficult to break off.
I really think you need to be a lot more honest with yourself. Forming an emotional attachment with him doesn't make you an awful person, but unless you figure out the hows and whys of how you allowed it to happen, you;re at risk for doing it again.

[Zona]

Men like your AP are a dime a dozen, they will always be hitting on you unless you live like a hermit. The point I am trying to make is you need to work on your boundaries. A good read would be "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. It would be a good start to help you understand the dynamics of what happened and hopefully avoid it in the future.

At this point, I think you are stuck in regret only, and have not reached the point of having remorse for your actions. A remorseful spouse wouldn't keep secrets of that magnitude. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Zona

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I really think you need to be a lot more honest with yourself. Forming an emotional attachment with him doesn't make you an awful person, but unless you figure out the hows and whys of how you allowed it to happen, you;re at risk for doing it again.

I agree. I sense a fair bit of complacency in your posts, like you don’t have any control of what happened... the idea that  hit on you and eventually he wore me you down and talking about the end of the relationship as if there was some sort of divine intervention that caused you to break off the affair. 

If you were more honest with yourself, you would understand that these are decisions YOU have made. Good and bad. Own them. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, vocalize said:

I was feeling lonely because we have no kids and at that time my spouse and I had an argument over something. We've dealt with it and our relationship is good now. The whole lockdown period has helped us become closer as we've been spending a lot more time together. 

What is going to happen when lockdown eases and you're spending less time together again?

[DKT3]

6 hours ago, vocalize said:

Thanks salparadise. 

At this moment, my gut says no because I don't think I can handle the fall-out. I'm already feeling awful from everything that happened and the only bright spark in my life right now is my husband and his love. I guess it is selfish, but I'm afraid of losing my mind if I confess and having to deal with the aftermath. 

Unfortunately I can't tell anyone in my life about this. I'm not religious but I did speak to God and ask for forgiveness. But sometimes it's comforting and enlightening to get advice from other people, so I'm grateful for all the replies. 

This is refreshingly honest,  wayward spouses usually come here with the ridiculous claim of "not hurting their spouse"  when in the real world its self preservation. Not wanting to hurt the spouse would mean not having an affair and making it seem they've made one singular mistake instead of the series of bad choices (it's never a mistake to do what you want to do).

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

32 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

 wayward spouses usually come here with the ridiculous claim of "not hurting their spouse"  when in the real world its self preservation. Not wanting to hurt the spouse would mean not having an affair and making it seem they've made one singular mistake instead of the series of bad choices (it's never a mistake to do what you want to do).

 

The above makes minimal sense.

 

 

"Wayward spouses" usually come here yearning to tell their spouses and hurt those spouses (entirely) SO they can unload their own guilt load (onto somebody else).  That is the 'self-preservation'.

 

"Not hurting their spouse"  pertains to the common sense move that is not informing the spouse of the affair unless there is significant chance they may find out through other means.

(it's like adoption:      merely being adopted harms no one...  but knowing about it  throws lots of human minds for a loop from which some never fully  recover. )

(what is different about most who adopt, is that there is typically a pretty good chance the adoptee will find out through other means (over an entire lifetime) )

 

The hindsight reference to a point prior to the beginning of the affair is not relevant to the present at all.    Only a person wholly lacking in reality looks back at (a vantage point known only to February of two years ago) to solve today's dilemma in a way requiring their having had foresight in February of two years ago.  Once you are in the present, it's like the sign at the shopping mall entrance:  "You are here"  (all you have is what's here with you... you must live in the present and select the best path from this point forward.)

 

You've already BEEN "selfish"... and you know the "selfish" path would be to tell the spouse, and wound them to the core, only so you can assuage your own guilt.

The only sensible choice is the opposite... which keeps the spouse from being wounded to the core, but makes you have to deal internally with your own guilt.

 

If you're in an extramarital affair, you're already predisposed to not utilizing common sense... so when it's your instinct to leap up and crush your spouse's feelings, it's a bad bet that "common sense"  is your strong suit.

 

 

(the last part quoted above in particular)   "it's never a mistake to do what you want to do"        (seems parallel to  "people don't make mistakes in any manner")

 

Guy builds a fence...    puts it 7 inches onto the neighbor's property...  eh, he wanted to   (even though it cost him legal fees, surveyor fees, rebuilding fees, and untold problems with the neighbor)

 

but (somehow) it wasn't a mistake

 

 

[mark clemson]

  My thought would be that if you ultimately decide not to tell, then cover your tracks extremely well. As well as possible. If you can get the gamer guy to delete your pics sooner rather than later that would be wise IMO. Mention to him that keeping them increases his risk of his wife finding out - that may help his decision making process.

 

Edited May 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[DKT3]

No, that makes no sense. Any adult should know an affair would be harmful to both the marriage and spouse. This idea that this knowledge only comes from hindsight is ridiculous. 

Likewise,  if the man intentionally built the fence on the other guys lanes it's not a mistake neither is not doing his homework to know where he could build the fence in the first place. 

[mark clemson]

Ok - it does create "some distance" I suppose. For myself, I admit the guilt is minimal although that probably varies. And no doubt there are folks where it "gnaws at them" and indeed it might be wise for them to consider telling on that basis. But I do think that gets back to @SincereOnlineGuy's point above. Why are they really telling?

At any rate, in my case I think the fact there was never any PA and that I'm forced to logically acknowledge the person I was temporarily so smitten with was not someone who an actual LTR with would make any kind of sense or would have worked may be in my favor. That might apply to this particular OP as well, given what she describes, but everyone is a bit different. She needs to think what makes sense for her.

My marriage recently has been as good as it ever was, so in my case I have little to complain about. Nor does my wife apparently, at least from the way she visibly treats me, etc.

Edited May 25, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Why are they really telling?

That's what I say.

Unburdening oneself necessarily burdens another and sets off a chain of consequences for them too.

 

 

 

 

 

[usa1ah]

Hope your husband doesn’t look at porn. If he does, you better hope he doesn’t come across the pics you sent your boyfriend. You do know he put them on a porn site right. 
 

Better to tell, then for him to find out on his own. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, vocalize said:

I have medical problems and lost 2 pregnancies. 

Sorry to hear of your loss. 

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The above makes minimal sense.

 

 

"Wayward spouses" usually come here yearning to tell their spouses and hurt those spouses (entirely) SO they can unload their own guilt load (onto somebody else).  That is the 'self-preservation'.

 

"Not hurting their spouse"  pertains to the common sense move that is not informing the spouse of the affair unless there is significant chance they may find out through other means.

(it's like adoption:      merely being adopted harms no one...  but knowing about it  throws lots of human minds for a loop from which some never fully  recover. )

(what is different about most who adopt, is that there is typically a pretty good chance the adoptee will find out through other means (over an entire lifetime) )

 

The hindsight reference to a point prior to the beginning of the affair is not relevant to the present at all.    Only a person wholly lacking in reality looks back at (a vantage point known only to February of two years ago) to solve today's dilemma in a way requiring their having had foresight in February of two years ago.  Once you are in the present, it's like the sign at the shopping mall entrance:  "You are here"  (all you have is what's here with you... you must live in the present and select the best path from this point forward.)

 

You've already BEEN "selfish"... and you know the "selfish" path would be to tell the spouse, and wound them to the core, only so you can assuage your own guilt.

The only sensible choice is the opposite... which keeps the spouse from being wounded to the core, but makes you have to deal internally with your own guilt.

 

If you're in an extramarital affair, you're already predisposed to not utilizing common sense... so when it's your instinct to leap up and crush your spouse's feelings, it's a bad bet that "common sense"  is your strong suit.

 

 

(the last part quoted above in particular)   "it's never a mistake to do what you want to do"        (seems parallel to  "people don't make mistakes in any manner")

 

Guy builds a fence...    puts it 7 inches onto the neighbor's property...  eh, he wanted to   (even though it cost him legal fees, surveyor fees, rebuilding fees, and untold problems with the neighbor)

 

but (somehow) it wasn't a mistake

 

 

first off, are you adopted? If not, then why do you presume to know how an adoptee feels? I'm in  a support group that is filled with adoptees who found out as adults, and noit one of them ever said they wished no one had told them. All of them are bitter and angry because they feel they have been lied to.

Now that that's been cleared up, I can understand where you coming from about not telling, but really, when you think about it, the very reasons for not telling are ironically the reasons one should. To use your adoption analogy, knowing I was adopted was never the problem. It would have been if my adoptive parents hid that from me- I'm an adult, and believe that people have the right to have free agency over their lives-part of that includes knowing all the factors that play into it. As it stands right now, the OP has already proven she can and will cheat n him. Of course, she will hopefully learn from this and never, ever do it again. The problem is she has no way to guarantee that, and I believe her husband has the right to decide if he is willing to risk investing more of his time and emotional currency with her. It's not about punishing the WW-she'll probably be harder on herself than anyone else could ever be. It's about giving him the full knowledge he needs to make informed choices about his life.

Edited May 25, 2020 by pepperbird

[Amethyst68]

You don't seem to be taking ownership of your own actions. It's all on your AP chasing you until you gave in.

You're not doing any work after the affair you're relying on your BH to fill the hole left by the attention the AP used to give you.

You've not answered my question and those given by others about what happens after the virus. When your husband can't give you the level of attention you need. It's why you really need to do the work it's not enough to just say I'm not going to do it again.

It seems you have some other personal issues you need to work through with your husband, like children. If you don't want to discuss then here that's absolutely fine it's your private business but please don't let it fester. Discuss it and deal with it together with your husband. 

[Emilie Jolie]

I've never cheated nor have I knowingly been a betrayed partner, but as an outsider, I know more couples who have stayed together after discovery of unfaithfulness than couples who split up because of it so I don't really understand the 'tell' vs 'don't tell' debate. Things happen that you can't always control, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, humans are not robots, and people have different red lines etc but a healthy partnership is about rising about difficulties as a team; not telling is not being part of a team, in my opinion.

There are, I believe, very specific situations for which not telling sort of makes sense, but I think these are quite rare and imvolve an incredible amount of self-restreint, a lot of honest self-reflection, full ownership, no emotional attachment and a very minimal level of deception. 

[Buffer]

Hey young lady,

Your in a relationship that is poor on communication, so much that you had a online A; to fill a void that was missing you made a conscious decision to fill that void with OM.

You sound remorseful and recommitted to your husband. It also sounds like you are more worried about you than your husbands feelings. He really needs to know that his relationship is poor, that you emotionally stepped out rather than pulling up you big girl pants and spoke with him. If the situation was reversed, would you want to to know he was in a EA? 
Please talk with him, communicate with him, let him know how poorly you were feeling during this time. Tell him you may need to go to IC first to help you find the true reason, the IC may have a joint session to help you tell, but tell, please.
I am sure you understand but once you press send on the intimate pictures, they are out there for any one to see. Never send anything you wouldn’t want on the front of a paper that your husband or parents could see. You have no rights or control of them.

One day at a time
Buffer

[Zona]

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

I doubt it;s got anything to do with not wanting to hurt their husband or wife- the cheating already shows they don;t really care that much. It's all about covering their own rear end. Why pretend it's something else?

 Exactly, that's the bottom line. And ultimately it's not your spouse finding out about the affair that is the problem, it's the fact that you had an affair in the first place. The affair affects your marriage whether you tell or don't tell.

[vocalize]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I also don’t see any evidence here that this will not happen again. The same conditions that led to the affair continue to exist,  OP has done none of the work to determine what led her to this decision and how to cope differently with loneliness and marital stress in the future. How could you know for certain that she is resolved to never have another affair? It’s true what was said above, most people when faced with loneliness and boredom will start a new hobby, join a yoga class, or volunteer for charity. Very few people would chose to engage in an online affair and send nude pictures to other men... the fact that this was the chosen coping strategy here makes this very concerning...

I don't know what evidence is good enough to prove except that right now I'm so emotionally distraught that I will never ever allow myself to do this to my husband again. 

Sigh.. I guess I'm not normal and just screwed-up since I succumbed to an affair out of loneliness. My husband and I recently moved to a new place and I'm finding it hard to make new friends. I'm a pretty shy person in real life and feel uncomfortable meeting new people, that's why I was so addicted to the online gaming community where I met the AP. The game was an addiction and like a drug, it clouded my judgement. I also liked the attention and flattery, I believed every sweet talk and declarations of love, that's one of the reasons I did what I did. I'm a fool, I know. But I truly do feel awful, that's why I've reached out to this forum, hoping to get some help that I can't get in real life. 

But I'm determined to change, to connect more with real life friends, join some activities and volunteer to help me cope and never fall into such a black hole again.