I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

You dont realize this girl is getting on cam with me every night and ordering lingerie and sex toys. many guys would not say no to this either

Honey, for whatever reason she’s doing what she can to get you on the line... and you are falling for it hook, line, and sinker. 

I have no doubt that men would entertain a woman who does this with the hope of getting... whatever she is willing to give.

I still say, mature people looking for true relationships don’t do this... You can continue to try an convince us otherwise but it will be to no avail. She is clearly trying to get something from you... and you are clearly enjoying what you are receiving from her - attention, adoration, and a nightly webcam show. Nothing more, nothing less...

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

News flash.... healthy relationships between people who are not crazy also include fun sexy times.  

Totally. But what is not normal is for a woman to go to this kind of extreme with a man she has never met (without getting paid, lol). Most women will not do that, and it is generally not a precursor to a real and healthy relationship. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by BaileyB

[thomas131313]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Totally. But what is not normal is for a woman to go to this kind of extreme with a man she has never met (without getting paid, lol). Most women will not do that, and it is generally not a precursor to a real and healthy relationship. 

today she was talking about how shes screwed for life because its me and always will be me and has always been me and there is no other option, and then she said its kind of crazy to think about that shes felt more intimacy, more love, more anger, and more personal growth with someone she has never physically met, then in her entire life.

[preraph]

Yes.  She will be so disappointed if she finally meets you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

today she was talking about how shes screwed for life because its me and always will be me and has always been me and there is no other option, and then she said its kind of crazy to think about that shes felt more intimacy, more love, more anger, and more personal growth with someone she has never physically met, then in her entire life.

And? 

What do you intend to do with this information? 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

today she was talking about how shes screwed for life because its me and always will be me and has always been me and there is no other option, and then she said its kind of crazy to think about that shes felt more intimacy, more love, more anger, and more personal growth with someone she has never physically met, then in her entire life.

And how does that make you feel? Does that not make you feel absolutely terrible for lying to the woman? 

[Redhead14]

On 5/4/2020 at 9:34 PM, thomas131313 said:

what should i do? thanks guys

Grow up and man up.  Tell her the truth about your pictures.  Then tell her to move on so SHE can grow up as well.  You don't really need to be with a woman who is so desperate and immature as to actually believe she's in love with someone she's never met in person .  IF she's in love, she's in love with her dream/vision of the man she wants to be with not you specifically.  She can't possibly know that you are that man.  Does it happen occasionally that a situation like this actually works out to be a real relationship.  Sure.  But the odds are very, very low.  The odds are so low that it's not worth taking the chance of wasting a lot of time and emotional and mental energy.

And, if you cannot be honest and confident and transparent, you'll never have a quality relationship and be a good partner for anyone. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by Redhead14

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

If you cannot be honest and confident and transparent, you'll never have a quality relationship and be a good partner for anyone. 

This is your basic truth. 

[thomas131313]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And how does that make you feel? Does that not make you feel absolutely terrible for lying to the woman? 

its super interesting to think about that at a human level, if i did meet her, what she would think and feel about our time spent together? she would look back and either think, well she did learn things and everything she felt about me and felt about herself, was it truly real, or would she think it was less authentic cause im not the way she thought i looked? i dont know the answer to this but im curious from a human level. if i was in her situation and i ended up meeting somebody and they looked different than i thought, would i feel the same about everything i said and learned about myself, or would i feel like it was a waste of time? i dont know. there would be potential upsides in that if i did learn things about myself that it wouldnt have been a total waste of time.

she said she is going to wait for years possibly. unless i meet her or tell her i dont want to be with her of course. she had alot of realizations and she said she knows its going to be a long time before i meet her and that she knows i cant be in her life right now but that i should atleast make it sound like i want to be. she also said she cant believe or she never thought that she would be in love with a mysgonist cause she thinks i judge her about her past sexual encounters. she wants me to go on cam cause she knows i wont be with her in person for along time so she wants more of me. she says i give her pretty much nothing and that i dont let her in and that sometimes its hard to love me cause of this. its funny too cause i often call her superficial and tell her she only cares about looks and that she goes for the best looking guy she can get and here we are

[ExpatInItaly]

What is the point of this for you, OP?

It sounds like a colossal waste of time. You don't appear to have any intention of meeting her. 

[preraph]

55 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

its funny too cause i often call her superficial and tell her she only cares about looks and that she goes for the best looking guy she can get and here we are

Oh, yeah, that's real funny, considering you're so shallow you don't even want the interest of a woman who has seen what you actually look like because you know she won't be attractive enough.   You're the shallow one.  You going to still be into her if she turns out to be a 57 year old 300-lb trucker?

[thomas131313]

4 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Grow up and man up.  Tell her the truth about your pictures.  Then tell her to move on so SHE can grow up as well.  You don't really need to be with a woman who is so desperate and immature as to actually believe she's in love with someone she's never met in person .  IF she's in love, she's in love with her dream/vision of the man she wants to be with not you specifically.  She can't possibly know that you are that man.  Does it happen occasionally that a situation like this actually works out to be a real relationship.  Sure.  But the odds are very, very low.  The odds are so low that it's not worth taking the chance of wasting a lot of time and emotional and mental energy.

And, if you cannot be honest and confident and transparent, you'll never have a quality relationship and be a good partner for anyone. 

she has openly talked about this many times with out me ever talking about it. she has said in the past she has been in love with the idea of a couple people but she never actually loved them for who they are. with me she actually loves me for who i am and what i am and even if we havent met, and these are just her words, but atleast she is aware enough in herself to even talk about it in the first place.

[thomas131313]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is the point of this for you, OP?

It sounds like a colossal waste of time. You don't appear to have any intention of meeting her. 

if i had to choose between meeting her or telling her i dont want to be with her and making up some reasons i would choose to meet her, mostly from a curiosity perspective to see what would happen, and also the small chance she would still want to be with me. i think that if i talked to her and told her that im not the good looking guy she would think im kidding, and then if i told her im serious she would still think im kidding and if i sent her other pictures she might still not believe it. i think i would either have to go on cam or meet her in person

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

its super interesting to think about that at a human level, if i did meet her, what she would think and feel about our time spent together? she would look back and either think, well she did learn things and everything she felt about me and felt about herself, was it truly real, or would she think it was less authentic cause im not the way she thought i looked...

With respect, I didn’t ask what you thought she felt. I asked how YOU felt about the fact that YOU are behaving in a dishonest way - do you have empathy and remorse for misleading this girl. And, the answer is clearly no. 

[thomas131313]

45 minutes ago, preraph said:

Oh, yeah, that's real funny, considering you're so shallow you don't even want the interest of a woman who has seen what you actually look like because you know she won't be attractive enough.   You're the shallow one.  You going to still be into her if she turns out to be a 57 year old 300-lb trucker?

thats true to some extent, but even those kind of girls wont be interested in me probably cause of how easy it is for women to get men and not for men to get women. those kind of girls still have tons of guys that hit them up wanting to sleep with them so there you go that is the sexual market place as it is today

[preraph]

Yes. It's called being a good match for someone.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

with me she actually loves me for who i am and what i am and even if we havent met, 

She doesn't know who or what you really are, so these words are meaningless. 

 

[ShyViolet]

The more I read this thread the more I think this guy is a sociopath who doesn't have any concept of real feelings towards anyone.

[thomas131313]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't know who or what you really are, so these words are meaningless. 

 

Well I don't know what to think but I've talked to her 10 hours a day for 4 months. She knows who I am personality wise, she doesnt know that im lying to her or that I look different. shes in love with me, but with someone that looks different. I have spent a entire day reading online about can you fall in love with someone if you have never met and there seems to be conflicting thoughts. Some think yes some think no. who is right?  

Falling in love with someone starts with getting to know them and having deep conversations with one another. Does it really matter if these conversations are by email, on the telephone, and via Skype? No…

The conversations make you laugh and smile and you soon begin to open up and share your thoughts and feelings, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and expectations, your secrets and insecurities, you feel like you can talk to him about absolutely anything and you feel comfortable expressing yourself and being yourself with him. You have many things in common and everything feels natural and you feel at ease when talking to him.

Then after months or even weeks of talking…… You realise you care for him deeply and have started to fall in love with him, even though you haven’t physically met. You begin to discuss him with your friends and they may tell you, you are just in love with the ” idea ” of him, telling you to wake up and smell the coffee, it’s a fantasy, he isn’t real, you haven’t met yet and it couldn’t be love.

You spent the time getting to know one another on a deeper level before meeting, you genuinely have a connection, you may have already seen each other on Skype or face time so you know what they look like and you genuinely know in your heart of hearts that you are falling in love with him and not just the ” idea ” of an ideal person.

 

 

Edited May 11, 2020 by thomas131313

[thomas131313]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She doesn't know who or what you really are, so these words are meaningless. 

 

Well I don't know what to think but I've talked to her 10 hours a day for 4 months. She knows who I am personality wise, she doesnt know that im lying to her or that I look different. shes in love with me, but with someone that looks different. I have spent a entire day reading online about can you fall in love with someone if you have never met and there seems to be conflicting thoughts. Some think yes some think no. who is right? 

Falling in love with someone starts with getting to know them and having deep conversations with one another. Does it really matter if these conversations are by email, on the telephone, and via Skype? No…

The conversations make you laugh and smile and you soon begin to open up and share your thoughts and feelings, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and expectations, your secrets and insecurities, you feel like you can talk to him about absolutely anything and you feel comfortable expressing yourself and being yourself with him. You have many things in common and everything feels natural and you feel at ease when talking to him.

Then after months or even weeks of talking…… You realise you care for him deeply and have started to fall in love with him, even though you haven’t physically met. You begin to discuss him with your friends and they may tell you, you are just in love with the ” idea ” of him, telling you to wake up and smell the coffee, it’s a fantasy, he isn’t real, you haven’t met yet and it couldn’t be love.

You spent the time getting to know one another on a deeper level before meeting, you genuinely have a connection, you may have already seen each other on Skype or face time so you know what they look like and you genuinely know in your heart of hearts that you are falling in love with him and not just the ” idea ” of an ideal person.

[ExpatInItaly]

The lying is part of your character, OP.  This woman doesn't know your true personality because she doesn't know how much you have employed deceptive tactics to get her hooked. She knows only the parts of your personality that you have elected to show her; she does not know the whole picture. 

You can't equate your situation to one in which the parties haven't met in person but otherwise at least know what the other person looks like, either. It matters very much how two people communicate when one person is being dishonest the way you are. Your argument is invalid. 

Spin it or justify is however you want, but the bottom line is that you are mistreating and manipulating this woman. That speaks volumes about you, regardless of what you look like. And you continue to try to justify it, which is quite reprehensible. You're still too scared to do the right thing. I doubt this relationship would have a snowball's chance in hell in working out well even if you hadn't lied to her, but you're certainly not making things better. 

If you ever hope to land a girlfriend - a real one, not an unstable cyber one - you have an awful lot of maturing to do first. 

[Redhead14]

20 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

she has openly talked about this many times with out me ever talking about it. she has said in the past she has been in love with the idea of a couple people but she never actually loved them for who they are. with me she actually loves me for who i am and what i am and even if we havent met, and these are just her words, but atleast she is aware enough in herself to even talk about it in the first place.

She doesn't know "who you are" yet.  That cannot be discovered until you spend some significant quality time together.  In the case with between you and her, you've already been less than honest with her so how can she know "who" you are?  She doesn't realize how dishonest and manipulative you've been yet.  Those are characteristics that make up "who you are".   It's very easy to keep up a facade for a few months especially over the phone or messaging, etc.  In real life keeping that false self up becomes difficult to maintain.  Have you ever heard of the honeymoon period ending?  That happens because one or both parties start struggling to keep up their "best" behavior/face and they reveal "who they really are" to each other.  That happens with people who are seeing each other face to face.  That is often when things fall apart.  Leave her alone and go your separate ways.  Its very unfair to her.  You're not being very good to yourself.

 

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Well I don't know what to think but I've talked to her 10 hours a day for 4 months. She knows who I am personality wise, she doesnt know that im lying to her or that I look different. shes in love with me, but with someone that looks different. I have spent a entire day reading online about can you fall in love with someone if you have never met and there seems to be conflicting thoughts. Some think yes some think no. who is right? 

Falling in love with someone starts with getting to know them and having deep conversations with one another. Does it really matter if these conversations are by email, on the telephone, and via Skype? No…

The conversations make you laugh and smile and you soon begin to open up and share your thoughts and feelings, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and expectations, your secrets and insecurities, you feel like you can talk to him about absolutely anything and you feel comfortable expressing yourself and being yourself with him. You have many things in common and everything feels natural and you feel at ease when talking to him.

Then after months or even weeks of talking…… You realise you care for him deeply and have started to fall in love with him, even though you haven’t physically met. You begin to discuss him with your friends and they may tell you, you are just in love with the ” idea ” of him, telling you to wake up and smell the coffee, it’s a fantasy, he isn’t real, you haven’t met yet and it couldn’t be love.

You spent the time getting to know one another on a deeper level before meeting, you genuinely have a connection, you may have already seen each other on Skype or face time so you know what they look like and you genuinely know in your heart of hearts that you are falling in love with him and not just the ” idea ” of an ideal person.

This is one giant rationalization that you are telling yourself.  You've made it clear that you don't get how wrong it is to lie to her and allow her to continue being strung along in a relationship that is based on a lie.  You have no intentions of taking anyone's advice on here so I don't even know why you posted.

One thing you are very wrong about here is that there is a physical aspect to romantic relationships.  It's not just conversations.  Human beings were meant to see each other, feel each other, and be together in person, not just fall in love based on faceless conversations alone.  

[thomas131313]

4 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

She doesn't know "who you are" yet.  That cannot be discovered until you spend some significant quality time together.  In the case with between you and her, you've already been less than honest with her so how can she know "who" you are?  She doesn't realize how dishonest and manipulative you've been yet.  Those are characteristics that make up "who you are".   It's very easy to keep up a facade for a few months especially over the phone or messaging, etc.  In real life keeping that false self up becomes difficult to maintain.  Have you ever heard of the honeymoon period ending?  That happens because one or both parties start struggling to keep up their "best" behavior/face and they reveal "who they really are" to each other.  That happens with people who are seeing each other face to face.  That is often when things fall apart.  Leave her alone and go your separate ways.  Its very unfair to her.  You're not being very good to yourself.

 

it also happens over the phone as the honeymoon period has already ended between me and her

[thomas131313]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The lying is part of your character, OP.  This woman doesn't know your true personality because she doesn't know how much you have employed deceptive tactics to get her hooked. She knows only the parts of your personality that you have elected to show her; she does not know the whole picture. 

You can't equate your situation to one in which the parties haven't met in person but otherwise at least know what the other person looks like, either. It matters very much how two people communicate when one person is being dishonest the way you are. Your argument is invalid. 

Spin it or justify is however you want, but the bottom line is that you are mistreating and manipulating this woman. That speaks volumes about you, regardless of what you look like. And you continue to try to justify it, which is quite reprehensible. You're still too scared to do the right thing. I doubt this relationship would have a snowball's chance in hell in working out well even if you hadn't lied to her, but you're certainly not making things better. 

If you ever hope to land a girlfriend - a real one, not an unstable cyber one - you have an awful lot of maturing to do first. 

Your claiming because I lied to her about who I am im not showing her my true personality? Lots of couples lie and still stay together. I have also made a couple other smaller lies to her that she knew about and she didnt leave, but I have been mostly honest about most things. So lets say that I did not lie to her and that was really me in the pictures, does it change the situation entirely and then she 'knows' who i am now because I didnt lie and all of a sudden all my other traits that she has gotten to know mean something and become valuable now, whereas because I lied they mean nothing? This is essentially what you are saying no? Why do my other traits mean nothing if i lied? Everyone has positive and negative traits and just because i lied about what I look like does not mean that everything weve talked about doesnt count. I have said many times i know this is not a good thing to do. if I had never lied in my life about anything like this, or even close to this before and this is the first time, does that really make this part of my character?