Obsessed with my sexfriend....

[skywriter]

Moodynights,

Hey, In my experience, as has been mentioned the balance is off between you two. regardless of agreeing to "his" terms, so what?

Change the terms now that it isn't working for you. What kind of a "friend", takes your feelings and uses them to get in your pants? That ain't a friend, it's an opportunist.  True enough you agreed, and you gotta own that but you don't have to accept his terms. 

Just my opinion but taking your power back is the best way to get over this guy. Seeing him for who he is, will help to move forward. So what, you agreed, so what he told you up front, it still don't make it ok to use a person that you know has deeper feelings.

Now that you know, what are you willing to tolerate and is it worth side affects that it has caused, crying, sleepless, anxious, etc. all that you described?

You say you just wanna be with him even if he don't love you back. This bothers me so much for you. As a mother, I've been down this road with my daughter and it's so painful to have to let them learn for themselves.

 

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by skywriter
to add

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, K.K. said:

Worst advice ever? What am I ... Dr. Phil? I just said what I’d do. Maybe I should follow your style of ‘great’ advice and just blow every poster’s hopes to oblivion with a superior attitude and a blunt dismissive answer as is your usual method of operation. 

Uhhh ...nope. One of you is more than enough. 

 

 

Your advice may be good for you, but certainly not for the op.

Your advice will push her to feel suicidal. 

No need to be rude k.

You're obviously young from the way you talk.

Edited May 13, 2020 by JTSW

[K.K.]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Your advice may be good for you, but certainly hot for the op.

Fair enough but you know ... it could be mutually beneficial if she could learn to rope in the ‘calling the Good Samaritan’s’ state of mind and just enjoy the thing that she wanted and agreed to. She agreed. He didn’t do anything wrong. If she doesn’t like it anymore, ok yes she should get out. Easier said than done. 

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Your advice will push her to feel suicidal. 
 

Definitely not my intention. I’m not acting as some kind of role model. It’s just my own opinion and what I’d do. Same with anybody that posts here. None of us are experts or we wouldn’t be here. We’re all fk’ed up in our own way. 

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No need to be rude k.

I mean ok but when you call somebody out in a quote and tell them that their advice was the “worst advice ever” whatcha think they’re gonna do? I think a lot of things and form opinions of people here. I politely keep them to myself. Unless they call me out like I did something wrong. 

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You're obviously young from the way you talk.

From the way I talk. 🤔 you mean like without putting on heirs? Or by being young “enough” to still be able to look on the bright side of sex and love without looking for every opportunity to emasculate every man I come into contact with? 

I’m not trying to make anybody suicidal. I address each post with my honest and hopefully helpful thoughts. But like I said, I’m not Dr. Phil. So take them with a grain of salt, I guess. Like I do everyone else’s posts based on opinion. 

 

[JTSW]

K, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being a bit argumentative. 

I usually really like your comments. You're pretty cool.

I just didn't agreed with this one that's all. 

The op is completely in love with this guy and needs to cut herself off from him.

I agree with you that he hasn't done anything wrong. He was straight with her from the beginning about it only being about sex and nothing more, but she went in with the hope that he would fall in love.

But that didn't happen.

[K.K.]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

K, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being a bit argumentative. 

I usually really like your comments. You're pretty cool.

I just didn't agreed with this one that's all. 

The op is completely in love with this guy and needs to cut herself off from him.

I agree with you that he hasn't done anything wrong. He was straight with her from the beginning about it only being about sex and nothing more, but she went in with the hope that he would fall in love.

But that didn't happen.

Awww I’m sorry too! 😢 I guess I just got defensive. I apologize for my remarks. I know the op is hurting. I don’t always deal with the things the way others do and it showed in this post. I only wish the best for op regardless of how she chooses to deal with it. Thanks again for your kind words.

Do over. 🙂 

[JTSW]

23 hours ago, K.K. said:

Thanks again for your kind words.

Do over. 🙂 

Absolutely

Thank you for your kindness too x 🙂

Edited May 15, 2020 by JTSW

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/13/2020 at 8:27 AM, stillafool said:

How do you know he isn't a wonderful man?  Why is he being blamed for her crush when he was honest with her and thought she was after the same thing he is "casual sex"?  I'm sure he didn't ask to be put him on a pedestal.  He was perfectly honest with her from the beginning.

The answer to your questions:

Because he saw an opportunity to use her and he took it. 

A wonderful man would not have said to himself, "Oh goody! A vulnerable and yummy girl ripe for using. I'm gonna hop on that!" Wonderful men protect the vulnerable, not exploit them!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/14/2020 at 6:50 PM, JTSW said:

I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being a bit argumentative. 

I usually really like your comments. You're pretty cool.

I just didn't agreed with this one that's all. 

FWIW...This is good conflict resolution skill. I could take a personal note on this. Thank you!

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

The answer to your questions:

Because he saw an opportunity to use her and he took it. 

A wonderful man would not have said to himself, "Oh goody! A vulnerable and yummy girl ripe for using. I'm gonna hop on that!" Wonderful men protect the vulnerable, not exploit them!

So all men who enter a FWB set up with a woman who wants it too is a user?  Is she not using him too?  OP said she has never told him her feelings for him.  If you are saying a FWB is not a good set up for the woman I agree but OP was not used in this case.  She saw a chance to have a sexual relationship with a man she wants and took it.  He was up front with her about everything before they had sex so it isn't fair to blame him.  When are women going to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others for their stupid decisions because they don't end up with the outcome they want?

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:57 PM, stillafool said:

The guy has no idea she's in love with him.  It is her responsibility to protect her heart.  I agree with you that a FWB set up is bad for the woman but that is why God also gave them a brain.

Women are wired differently to men. 

They usually lead with their feelings. 

 

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So all men who enter a FWB set up with a woman who wants it too is a user?  Is she not using him too?  OP said she has never told him her feelings for him.  If you are saying a FWB is not a good set up for the woman I agree but OP was not used in this case.  She saw a chance to have a sexual relationship with a man she wants and took it.  He was up front with her about everything before they had sex so it isn't fair to blame him.  When are women going to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others for their stupid decisions because they don't end up with the outcome they want?

She's not blaming him though.

All shes saying is she can't function without the guy in her life. 

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So all men who enter a FWB set up with a woman who wants it too is a user?  Is she not using him too?  OP said she has never told him her feelings for him.  If you are saying a FWB is not a good set up for the woman I agree but OP was not used in this case.  She saw a chance to have a sexual relationship with a man she wants and took it.  He was up front with her about everything before they had sex so it isn't fair to blame him.  When are women going to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others for their stupid decisions because they don't end up with the outcome they want?

She's not using him, since she is the one in love with the guy. 

He initiated the whole fwb in the first place!! He clearly can't live without being intimate with anyone. And even if its to the detriment of their friendship, he clearly doesn't give two hoots about this woman...at the very least even as a "friend"

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by miranda561

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, miranda561 said:

She's not using him, since she is the one in love with the guy. 

He initiated the whole fwb in the first place!! He clearly can't live without being intimate with anyone. And even if its to the detriment of their friendship, he clearly doesn't give two hoots about this woman...at the very least even as a "friend"

 

What?  Why should he have to live without being intimate with anyone?  How do you know he doesn't care for her?  Just because he doesn't want a relationship with her doesn't mean he doesn't care.  This is getting ridiculous.  When are women responsible for their own hearts?

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Women are wired differently to men. 

They usually lead with their feelings. 

 

And men are not psychic.  They can't' read women's minds.  Plus even when they tell women they are not interested they still get blamed.  

[miranda561]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

And men are not psychic.  They can't' read women's minds.  Plus even when they tell women they are not interested they still get blamed.  

If he's not interested in anything other than to use her for one thing and then dump her. He should have not bothered her in the first place.

[miranda561]

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What?  Why should he have to live without being intimate with anyone?  How do you know he doesn't care for her?  Just because he doesn't want a relationship with her doesn't mean he doesn't care.  This is getting ridiculous.  When are women responsible for their own hearts?

He can be intimate with someone else where the feeling is mutual. Not use someone as an object until hes done satisfying his needs. 

Of course he doesn't  care. I already explained why. If he even respected her as a friend  or a human being at the very least he wouldn't have gone there at all. 

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 2:14 PM, K.K. said:

Worst advice ever? What am I ... Dr. Phil? I just said what I’d do. Maybe I should follow your style of ‘great’ advice and just blow every poster’s hopes to oblivion with a superior attitude and a blunt dismissive answer as is your usual method of operation. 

Uhhh ...nope. One of you is more than enough. 

 

 

There is no hope in this situation. Giving the OP hope is leading her down an even darker path than she already no doubt is in

[miranda561]

33 minutes ago, stillafool said:

And men are not psychic.  They can't' read women's minds.  Plus even when they tell women they are not interested they still get blamed.  

In this post alone, first impressions is she's a fragile, sensitive individual who wears her heart on her sleeve.

And this guy has been friends with her long enough to know this. He should have taken that into consideration and left her alone. 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by miranda561

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 3:05 PM, skywriter said:

Moodynights,

Hey, In my experience, as has been mentioned the balance is off between you two. regardless of agreeing to "his" terms, so what?

Change the terms now that it isn't working for you. What kind of a "friend", takes your feelings and uses them to get in your pants? That ain't a friend, it's an opportunist.  True enough you agreed, and you gotta own that but you don't have to accept his terms. 

Just my opinion but taking your power back is the best way to get over this guy. Seeing him for who he is, will help to move forward. So what, you agreed, so what he told you up front, it still don't make it ok to use a person that you know has deeper feelings.

Now that you know, what are you willing to tolerate and is it worth side affects that it has caused, crying, sleepless, anxious, etc. all that you described?

You say you just wanna be with him even if he don't love you back. This bothers me so much for you. As a mother, I've been down this road with my daughter and it's so painful to have to let them learn for themselves.

 

 

Best word to describe him..an opportunist!

Edited May 16, 2020 by miranda561

[Realitysux]

I'm only responding because it's Covid and I'm bored. Nothing opens until midnight. I was obsessed with this guy and I was suffering a lot in life. I was in a situation where he wasn't directly online but he has a ton of people try to help me. He would post things about us reconnecting and then someone would tell me to block him and try to give me confidence. As a result the obsession lasted more than 7 years and I've been feeling as sick as you feel since February. It all started when this women replied to my ad and mentioned something about me. Suddenly I was this covert narcassist that could not live without him. I contacted him directly and said look this is over. At times I was mean and at other times I was nice but it was all for the same reason. The guy doesn't want to be with you. It's never going to get easier. You are never going to get this guy to change his mind. You have to tell him no and move on and accept that he doesn't feel the same way. He is going to have to find someone where the feeling is mutual and the best way to go about this is to cut off all contact and the both of you move on. 

It does get easier. I'm moving into a new flat with a fire place and in a cute little village. I'm going to continue to work and make money. I'm going to eventually be at the gym and social events again. It does get easier but this feeling you are stuck with will not. He's eventually going to be out making some other women feel how you are not and you'll be in bed with a chocolate milkshake and writing on this forum. DO NOT end up like me. There are tons of people to connect with and if it means you make big changes then make him. 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Realitysux

[miranda561]

On 5/13/2020 at 7:14 PM, K.K. said:

Fair enough but you know ... it could be mutually beneficial if she could learn to rope in the ‘calling the Good Samaritan’s’ state of mind and just enjoy the thing that she wanted and agreed to. She agreed. He didn’t do anything wrong. If she doesn’t like it anymore, ok yes she should get out. Easier said than done. 

Definitely not my intention. I’m not acting as some kind of role model. It’s just my own opinion and what I’d do. Same with anybody that posts here. None of us are experts or we wouldn’t be here. We’re all fk’ed up in our own way. 

I mean ok but when you call somebody out in a quote and tell them that their advice was the “worst advice ever” whatcha think they’re gonna do? I think a lot of things and form opinions of people here. I politely keep them to myself. Unless they call me out like I did something wrong. 

From the way I talk. 🤔 you mean like without putting on heirs? Or by being young “enough” to still be able to look on the bright side of sex and love without looking for every opportunity to emasculate every man I come into contact with? 

I’m not trying to make anybody suicidal. I address each post with my honest and hopefully helpful thoughts. But like I said, I’m not Dr. Phil. So take them with a grain of salt, I guess. Like I do everyone else’s posts based on opinion. 

 

But you have to fine tune your advice sometimes..and see what is best for the person. What you would do is not necessarily what they should do.

The impact of this situation is taking a tremendous toll on this woman. Therefore telling her to carry  on and enjoy  it isn't  going to be best for her.

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by miranda561

[Realitysux]

6 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

But you have to fine tune your advice sometimes..and see what is best for the person. What you would do is not necessarily what they should do.

The impact of this situation is taking a tremendous toll on this woman. Therefore telling her to carry  on and enjoy  it isn't  going to be best for her.

 

I've been there. She will continue to feel terrible. I'm worried, I think I am going to feel this sick for a few weeks. That's if he leaves now! 

[miranda561]

14 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I've been there. She will continue to feel terrible. I'm worried, I think I am going to feel this sick for a few weeks. That's if he leaves now! 

Sick why. If who leaves 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Sick why. If who leaves 

I have contact with an obsession too. Did you not get that. When I move to my new flat, I'm going to take some writing courses. I should have done this sooner .. a big regret I have 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, stillafool said:

So all men who enter a FWB set up with a woman who wants it too is a user?  Is she not using him too?  OP said she has never told him her feelings for him.  If you are saying a FWB is not a good set up for the woman I agree but OP was not used in this case.  She saw a chance to have a sexual relationship with a man she wants and took it.  He was up front with her about everything before they had sex so it isn't fair to blame him.  When are women going to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others for their stupid decisions because they don't end up with the outcome they want?

Your response is naive at best and victim shaming at worst. It's not as black and white as you're portraying. OP was in a vulnerable place and make the mistake thinking she would accept less than she actually wanted hoping it would turn into more. The guy realized this, and saw it as an opportunity to benefit for very little effort on his part in return. That is exploitive.

I feel like you're not going to see this after my explanation, so perhaps you'll have to learn from your own experience rather than through others. Find a guy who you are incredibly attracted to but he's not attracted back, offer him your body in a FWB, tell yourself it's ok bc you agreed to it, feel terrible about yourself (bc deep down you know you put yourself in that bad situation but don't understand why)--then finally you'll be able to empathize with OP. Good luck to you!