Obsessed with my sexfriend....

[MoodyNights]

Hello there,

This is my first post ever on this forum and here's my story:
I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man 😪

For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist 🙄

Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help 😭

Edited April 28, 2020 by MoodyNights

[kamani]

You sound very young and depressed. How old are you?

Did he know you had a thing for him before agreeing to this arrangement? If he already knew it, he is not a good man and making use of your feelings.

At least he should be sensing it now. What does he say? Best thing is to discuss your feelings with him. There is a possibility that you will get rejected but it's better than never knowing. End the arrangement if he doesn't want anymore than sex. Easier said than done, but the pain will be much more when he finds a girlfriend.

Edited April 28, 2020 by kamani

[preraph]

I just hate it when women fall into this trap. You agreed to his terms hoping he would transform into a different person who was all romantic and fell in love with you. But he has made it very clear who he is upfront and that is a guy who only wants sex and doesn't want a relationship with you. so my dear I'm afraid you're in an unhappy situation. 

 

you would be much better off just cutting him off completely so you can move on and get over him. If he had any emotional interest in you he never would have set up the boundaries for only sex to begin with. he just knew that you would and is taking advantage of that for variety sex. He doesn't have enough depth for you. you are merely in love with who you hope he was but he is not that person.

 

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I just hate it when women fall into this trap.

But it is a "trap" of her own making.

7 hours ago, MoodyNights said:

I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

I very much doubt there will be a happy ending here, he was very clear right from the start and guys tend not to make gfs out of FWBs.
Get him out of your life for good.
You can't be friends any more. It will eat you alive from the inside.  

Edited April 28, 2020 by elaine567

[Lover29]

I have been myself in a similar situation. You have to change your focus and find another guy, there is plenty who can offer the same thing. Don't be too much focused on the physical side - take a closer look at their personalities first, I use Volikov test for that. The world is full of beautiful people. Explore it.

Edited April 28, 2020 by Lover29

[MoodyNights]

8 hours ago, kamani said:

You sound very young and depressed. How old are you?

I'm 39... Not that young on the paper but it is true I sometimes feel like a baby emotion-wise 🙄

8 hours ago, kamani said:

Did he know you had a thing for him before agreeing to this arrangement?

Well I don't think he knows the extent of my feelings for him (or perhaps he does, but pretends to notice nothing), but he sure knows that I have always found him very attractive (a lot of women find him very attractive by the way, and he is perfectly aware of that). He once said he had been aware of the way I was looking at him, but he seems to assimilate that to mere sexual desire, not love.

1 hour ago, Lover29 said:

Don't be too much focused on the physical side - take a closer look at their personalities first, I use Volikov test.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to check out the Volikov test you are talking about 🙂

[lana-banana]

A man who says your situation will end as soon as he finds a serious partner is not the man for you. He has told you he doesn't see you as a romantic partner; you're just occupying his time until he meets the right woman for him. Your best bet is to cut off all contact immediately. Just tell him that it's no longer in your interest and leave it at that. He'll understand.

You cannot continue to see him. It's already killing you and it will only get worse. Cut the cord.

[preraph]

I don't advise confessing.  You will just end up humiliated.  He knows.  If a lot of women find him attractive, he's been through this many times and probably dreads the inevitable confession.  You really don't need to hear, I TOLD you I'm not interested in a relationship. You don't need to hear the particulars why.  It will only be hurtful.  

 

What you DO need to do is get out there and socialize and date other guys if possible.  If not, socialize with friends, take up new hobbies, etc. 

[mark clemson]

Consider researching limerence, e.g. on Wikipedia as that may be what you have for this guy. Dysfunctional situations and/or cases where you can't fully have the other person tend to intensify it, which can be quite the mind-f*ck, unfortunately.

If that's what you have, if it becomes impossible to see him, your "emotional brain" may calm down and leave you alone, which is, I believe, the easy way through it. Otherwise you have to wait it out which is like months to years. It doesn't sound like you're coping particularly well.

If you take the NC/impossible to contact route, be aware that it becoming possible to see him again, such as him randomly contacting you to say hi or similar could easily re-trigger everything, at least within the first year or so. So you probably want his full and compassionate buy-in on the NC, so he doesn't come fishing for sex and ego-gratification, etc, or even just to talk, and set you off again. This seems to have happened to a poster on another thread when the guy left town but then he came back for a funeral or similar and she saw him again and it retriggered everything for her.

I think a case like yours required TOTAL NC and making it IMPOSSIBLE (or as close to impossible as possible) to contact the person to work well in calming down your emotions. Probably for at least a few years; forever is probably safer.

Edited April 28, 2020 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

This won't work for you. It's simple ... which is the reason for the no-contact rule ...

You can have a great time ... and you only pine for him more ...So the other way to be successful is to NOT have a good time. See the trap. 

Just cut it off ... say you can't do it anymore. You cannot be happy in this arrangement. Reminds me of trying to be friends with this woman I was totally in love with ... God, I think your situation may be worse! The sexual intimacy will ignite more love on your part ... 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 4/27/2020 at 9:28 PM, MoodyNights said:

Hello there,

This is my first post ever on this forum and here's my story:
I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man 😪

For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist 🙄

Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help 😭

 

ALL of that is probably completely normal  (within a fair range - perhaps not precisely).

 

It is certainly why lots of people don't endorse FWB sorts of encounters...  particularly for the side which can get sex whenever they want it.

 

I wish I could tell you with clarity what's going to happen.

 

 

[JTSW]

You should never have began this arrangment with him.

It was a stupid thing to do with the feelings you have for him and the longer it goes on the worse you feel.

He is never going to feel about you the way you feel about him so whu are you doing this?

Stop seeing him. Cut him off and don't talk to him anymore.

Dont answer any calls or messages.

You have to cut loose or you never move on from this.

[LynneVicious]

I think The source of your constant anxiety is because you know he is only in it for sex and you are head over heels for him. It is a very unbalanced situation. He has complete control over this relationship. 
 

But listen, he told you right from the get-go  That this was SEX ONLY. Many many women make the mistake of thinking that giving him the sex will result in him having feelings for you. It doesn’t work like that. 
 

And your constant anxiety is also from wondering when he will call it off or find someone he wants to date. Why would you want to devote all of your emotions to someone who is just having sex with you until he finds someone he likes. You know this isn’t going to end well.

Your best bet is to acknowledge that he doesn’t feel the same and he won’t feel the same, and exit this arrangement with grace. It’s either that or wait until he breaks your heart. Take control. 

[miranda561]

On 4/28/2020 at 5:28 AM, MoodyNights said:

Hello there,

This is my first post ever on this forum and here's my story:
I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man 😪

For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist 🙄

Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help 😭

I think the longer this goes on the worse it will be for you unfortunately. 

Also i dont think you should be labelling him as a "wonderful man" he is quite clearly far from it. 

Don't let the likes of someone like that ruin your life. And seek some professional help if you can. 

Its probably going to be extremely  difficult for you, but for your own sanity, you need to cut him off as soon as. 😳😰😪

Edited May 9, 2020 by miranda561

[K.K.]

On 4/28/2020 at 12:28 AM, MoodyNights said:

Hello there,

This is my first post ever on this forum and here's my story:
I've been seeing this man for a few months now. He's a friend who I always had a thing for but I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. One day and totally out of the blue he made sexual advances to me and I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

It should be all fun and hot sex but the problem is that I am totally in love/obsessed with this guy. I can't function properly anymore, I'm just waiting for his calls/messages... I spend countless sleepless nights, I can cry for hours thinking of him/my love for him, I can't eat anymore (or just very small amounts of food), sometimes I drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes to ease my pain and feelings of anxiety (I usually experience physical heartache, i.e. I have this weird feeling something is eating my heart away and it can be very oppressive at times), I have increasing difficulties performing the smallest tasks at home, and I'm always anticipating the day he will tell me he met someone that he's in love with and everything is over... I'm literaly freaking out at the thought and sometimes I feel like I'm becoming totally crazy. When I anticipate that day I literaly feel feverish and dizzy and angry at the girl who will have the luck to be loved by this wonderful man 😪

For the time being I don't think I would be able to cope if he happens to reject me, I just want to be with him all the time even if I know he doesn't love me back... I would do anything for this guy and to make him happy, even if I know I'm being totally masochist 🙄

Today I was such on edge that I called the Samaritans helpline and had a one-hour chat with a lovely elderly lady who advised me to talk to people and write as much as possible about my feelings and that it would eventually help me or at least ease my pain. She was really sorry for me but she couldn't do much apart from listening (which is already a great thing and eased my distress a bit).

I feel totally lost and lonely... Please help 😭

Aww ... I feel for you sooo much. I’ve been obsessed like this as well. Hell, I’ve been obsessed like this with a guy that lives several states away that I’ve never even had sex with lol. 

I would just keep getting the yummy sex if I were you and try to compartmentalize but I’m not so ... 

Sure you can cut him off. But why? Ask yourself, what else are you going to do with your time that hurts as good as having sex with him? 😉 

Just leave the door open for a new man and enjoy what you have with him now. You never know... he could grow to have feelings. Take it for what it is. If it gets to be too much, cut it off and be alone.

Think about it though...

Him in your bed sometimes vs Never having him making you cum again, lying alone masturbating and pining over him. 🤔

I also don’t think we should be calling him a terrible person or “far from a wonderful man” like a poster above, when he hasn’t done one thing but be honest about his feelings or lack thereof. Get a grip on your own feelings and just enjoy him. 

Don’t feel bad about calling the Samaritans. They’re probably bored with all of the ending of the world, Coronavirus, Murder Bees, and there’s no toilet paper talk anyway. 

[major_merrick]

A lot of it depends on the personality of your sex partner.  Not everybody is cold and heartless.  Save the confession for a while, but if you want to keep this guy you can act more girlfriend-like and possibly draw his interest.  Start doing some domestic behaviors if you have access to his place.  Cook something, clean something, etc... (Yeah, I know how that sounds.)  Men don't usually respond to words, but they can fall for actions.  Women make the mistake of thinking words can win a guy over because women like to hear words of affirmation.  So don't fall into that trap, but don't necessarily take No for an answer either.

My husband and I started as friends, and then FWB.  IDK who first started getting feelings, but we fell for each other.  Even though it didn't work out and we broke up, the feelings stuck around so strongly that we ended up marrying years later.  I have no regrets except that I didn't figure myself out sooner.

[LynneVicious]

On 4/28/2020 at 12:28 AM, MoodyNights said:

I accepted his terms: no love relationship, only sex, no couple-like activities whatsoever and when one of us finds a new partner, everything will be over (we're both single now).

To the posters above... no no no. He drew clear lines in the sand. She’s already in love or limerance with him and he made it CLEAR to her that this is sex only. 
 

irs a terrible idea to think that he can grow to have feelings. There is no balance. She can cook for him, hold his hand, give him the best sex he ever had then go on a date with someone else that night and fall in love with someone else. 
 

The only thing that will happen now is her feelings will continue to grow while he gets laid. And it will end if he finds a new partner. She already can’t function - she can’t eat, sleep or focus on anything but him and he’s made it clear he doesn’t return the feelings. She won’t even date someone else because she’s too tied up with him. 
 

Op, please save yourself from a disaster by Cutting him loose and healing and find someone who will return the feelings for you. It’s not going to happen with this guy. You’re already unbalanced and unstable because of your obsession. Make a clean break otherwise you’ll wind up sleeping with him for months or years giving it your all and he’ll leave you at the drop of a dime. 

[miranda561]

11 hours ago, K.K. said:

Aww ... I feel for you sooo much. I’ve been obsessed like this as well. Hell, I’ve been obsessed like this with a guy that lives several states away that I’ve never even had sex with lol. 

I would just keep getting the yummy sex if I were you and try to compartmentalize but I’m not so ... 

Sure you can cut him off. But why? Ask yourself, what else are you going to do with your time that hurts as good as having sex with him? 😉 

Just leave the door open for a new man and enjoy what you have with him now. You never know... he could grow to have feelings. Take it for what it is. If it gets to be too much, cut it off and be alone.

Think about it though...

Him in your bed sometimes vs Never having him making you cum again, lying alone masturbating and pining over him. 🤔

I also don’t think we should be calling him a terrible person or “far from a wonderful man” like a poster above, when he hasn’t done one thing but be honest about his feelings or lack thereof. Get a grip on your own feelings and just enjoy him. 

Don’t feel bad about calling the Samaritans. They’re probably bored with all of the ending of the world, Coronavirus, Murder Bees, and there’s no toilet paper talk 

I don't think the best idea is to carry on given That her mental/physical health is declining due to the situation.

And my opinion is that he isn't a wonderful man no. A basic man yes. She has put him on a pedestal when he shouldn't  be there

 

[JTSW]

On 5/9/2020 at 11:59 AM, K.K. said:

I would just keep getting the yummy sex if I were you and try to compartmentalize but I’m not so ... 

Sure you can cut him off. But why? Ask yourself, what else are you going to do with your time that hurts as good as having sex with him? 😉 

Just leave the door open for a new man and enjoy what you have with him now. You never know... he could grow to have feelings. Take it for what it is. If it gets to be too much, cut it off and be alone.

Worst advice ever. 

She needs to cut him off now and keep her distance.

If she carries on then it's going to be harder for her in the long run. 

She will end up completely broken.

[stillafool]

On 5/9/2020 at 6:39 PM, miranda561 said:

And my opinion is that he isn't a wonderful man no. A basic man yes. She has put him on a pedestal when he shouldn't  be there

How do you know he isn't a wonderful man?  Why is he being blamed for her crush when he was honest with her and thought she was after the same thing he is "casual sex"?  I'm sure he didn't ask to be put him on a pedestal.  He was perfectly honest with her from the beginning.

[miranda561]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How do you know he isn't a wonderful man?  Why is he being blamed for her crush when he was honest with her and thought she was after the same thing he is "casual sex"?  I'm sure he didn't ask to be put him on a pedestal.  He was perfectly honest with her from the beginning.

My opinion is a guy who can engage in casual sex...( no matter how long for) with the terms he set out ( pretty cold) and then ditch the woman without having zero feelings..is not a wonderful man. Regardless.

Edited May 13, 2020 by miranda561

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

My opinion is a guy who can engage in casual sex...( no matter how long for) and then ditch the woman without having zero feelings..is not a wonderful man. Regardless.

Even if it is a mutual agreement?  Is the woman bad too if she has zero feelings for the guy after sex?

[miranda561]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Even if it is a mutual agreement?  Is the woman bad too if she has zero feelings for the guy after sex?

It can happen of course in exceptional  cases. But the woman usually ends up head over heels. Its hardly ever a beneficial arrangement for the female 

And it would be different if he was some random person to her. But hes her friend. For a "friend" to cross that line just for his own selfish desires. Is pretty sad. 

 

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by miranda561

[stillafool]

The guy has no idea she's in love with him.  It is her responsibility to protect her heart.  I agree with you that a FWB set up is bad for the woman but that is why God also gave them a brain.

[K.K.]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Worst advice ever.

 

Worst advice ever? What am I ... Dr. Phil? I just said what I’d do. Maybe I should follow your style of ‘great’ advice and just blow every poster’s hopes to oblivion with a superior attitude and a blunt dismissive answer as is your usual method of operation. 

Uhhh ...nope. One of you is more than enough.