No contact for a week, shall I reach out?

[DarrenB]

I'm afraid this doesn't sound like something you should chase or assume opportunity in.

 

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, DarrenB said:

I'm afraid this doesn't sound like something you should chase or assume opportunity in.

 

Whys that 

[rjc149]

No one is too busy to return a call or reply to a text within a 12 hour period. It's a function of your marginal interest level in him, and/or desire to play power games with him. You're just wondering why he's 180'd from showing interest to disappearing. When a man who is validating your ego abruptly removes it, it makes you feel insecure and causes you to instinctively want to regain that validation from him.

But from what you've written (and I'm assuming this was never a sexual relationship) it sounds like he was acting pretty needy and unattractively -- asking you whether you liked him and if he's your type (needing your approval), conducting an interrogation rather than flirting and bantering, excessively complimenting you, generally seeming to have a lower social IQ etc. On some level I'm guessing you keyed into this and were turned off by it.  

Playing hard to get only works with men who are confident and self-assured. Attractive women especially play hard to get and give "sh-t tests" to weed out guys who aren't confident enough in themselves.

"I don't mind" was coy, token resistance, but not "no." This coyness rattled his confidence, causing him to get a little butthurt about "feeling like a sandwich" and "being an option" and he scampered off with his tail between his legs. Confident men don't get shaken by stuff like this. Unless they hear "NO" or "STOP" or are repeatedly being shut down (which you haven't been doing), they assume she's interested and keep up the charm.  

So, if you like him and genuinely want to explore something with him, drop the games and power plays and just tell him. Personally, I don't think this guy is much of a catch. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by rjc149

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

No one is too busy to return a call or reply to a text within a 12 hour period. It's a function of your marginal interest level in him, and/or desire to play power games with him. You're just wondering why he's 180'd from showing interest to disappearing. When a man who is validating your ego abruptly removes it, it makes you feel insecure and causes you to instinctively want to regain that validation from him.

But from what you've written (and I'm assuming this was never a sexual relationship) it sounds like he was acting pretty needy and unattractively -- asking you whether you liked him and if he's your type (needing your approval), conducting an interrogation rather than flirting and bantering, excessively complimenting you, generally seeming to have a lower social IQ etc. On some level I'm guessing you keyed into this and were turned off by it.  

Playing hard to get only works with men who are confident and self-assured. Attractive women especially play hard to get and give "sh-t tests" to weed out guys who aren't confident enough in themselves.

"I don't mind" was coy, token resistance, but not "no." This coyness rattled his confidence, causing him to get a little butthurt about "feeling like a sandwich" and "being an option" and he scampered off with his tail between his legs. Confident men don't get shaken by stuff like this. Unless they hear "NO" or "STOP" or are repeatedly being shut down (which you haven't been doing), they assume she's interested and keep up the charm.  

So, if you like him and genuinely want to explore something with him, drop the games and power plays and just tell him. Personally, I don't think this guy is much of a catch. 

Its not a sexual relationship. Hes a bit random like that he will just straight up ask me questions out of the blue. What happened was  after i reached out to him after 3 months of no contact from either end. I asked him what hes been upto he told me his friends/parents were trying to set him up with women. I asked if he liked any of them' he said no they were not attractive to him in the slightest. Following that i told him about my friend trying to set me upwith a guy who was not my type and who i had  no interest. And that is when he proceeded to ask me those questions. If hes my type? And then if i like him...and if  i want him. But im between  i was talking about other guys who i dont like and how i hardly  ever like anyone and then he took that opportunity to ask me those questions. When i said sometimes  i like him sometimes i dont he said why not and i said i dont want to hurt hisfeelings, to which he replied hes tough guy and he can handle anything 

Actually to the contrary  he usuallycomes offpretty confident. And seems to have quite a high opinion of himself. For example when he basically rated those women and called them ugly in other words. And then told me the guy (my friends friend) who was trying so desperately to get in contact with me, he called him needy and a beg. Also his job is a job which requires him to be confident. So maybe he just has  humongous ego. Nd instead he need one of those women who will be fainting at every opportunity they get to be in his presence

On the phone he did keep repeating how i didnt reply to his messages and how he assumed id found someone else and then when that didnt work i came back to him. As in the time i didnt speak to him for a month and a half. 

When  i said i dont mind meeting him he said but send me a picture.as he only has one pic of me and wants reassurance tht im not a catfish and then he said i dont have to if i dont want to. And that was the end of that. Which was now exactly a week ago 😳. He has mentioned the catfish thing several times so i dont know whats up with that.

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by miranda561

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

When  i said i dont mind meeting him he said but send me a picture.as he only has one pic of me and wants reassurance tht im not a catfish and then he said i dont have to if i dont want to. And that was the end of that. Which was now exactly a week ago 😳. He has mentioned the catfish thing several times so i dont know whats up with that.

Well, you behave like a catfish or someone who's hiding something, so I am not sure what's confusing about that. 

He obviously thinks you're evasive because he believes you might not be who you say you are. He won't bother pursuing someone who he doesn't believe is being honest about herself. 

[miranda561]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, you behave like a catfish or someone who's hiding something, so I am not sure what's confusing about that. 

He obviously thinks you're evasive because he believes you might not be who you say you are. He won't bother pursuing someone who he doesn't believe is being honest about herself. 

Well ive never had a problem with anyone else. And ive spoken to number of different guys before online. 

[dangerous]

If you like him, why not send a photo? 

And if you don't like him, then just move on.

Simple.

[miranda561]

22 minutes ago, dangerous said:

If you like him, why not send a photo? 

And if you don't like him, then just move on.

Simple.

Because  i feel silly sending  him a photo randomly when there hasnt been any contact in a week . 😂 the honest truth. Hes got one photo of me lol 

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

i said i dont want to hurt hisfeelings, to which he replied hes tough guy and he can handle anything 

Actually to the contrary  he usuallycomes offpretty confident. And seems to have quite a high opinion of himself. For example when he basically rated those women and called them ugly in other words. And then told me the guy (my friends friend) who was trying so desperately to get in contact with me, he called him needy and a beg. Also his job is a job which requires him to be confident. So maybe he just has  humongous ego. Nd instead he need one of those women who will be fainting at every opportunity they get to be in his presence

On the phone he did keep repeating how i didnt reply to his messages and how he assumed id found someone else and then when that didnt work i came back to him. As in the time i didnt speak to him for a month and a half. 

I'm assuming you're young, and I'm not speaking down to you, but you'll one day realize, and only through experience, that truly confident men don't feel the need to boast about themselves and talk sh-t about other people to impress people and make themselves appear superior. A man's ego is like a balloon -- the more inflated it is, the thinner the skins gets and and easier it is to pop. All it took was a coy "I don't mind" to his date request, when he wanted "yes yes oh YES!!" to put that tiny little prick into his balloon and POP away he goes. Sounds like Mr. Tough Guy couldn't handle that. 

Everything you're describing about this guy tells me he's quite insecure. But, good luck with him. I'm sure you'll learn a thing or two about men from him. 

[miranda561]

20 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I'm assuming you're young, and I'm not speaking down to you, but you'll one day realize, and only through experience, that truly confident men don't feel the need to boast about themselves and talk sh-t about other people to impress people and make themselves appear superior. A man's ego is like a balloon -- the more inflated it is, the thinner the skins gets and and easier it is to pop. All it took was a coy "I don't mind" to his date request, when he wanted "yes yes oh YES!!" to put that tiny little prick into his balloon and POP away he goes. Sounds like Mr. Tough Guy couldn't handle that. 

Everything you're describing about this guy tells me he's quite insecure. But, good luck with him. I'm sure you'll learn a thing or two about men from him. 

Lol well yes maybe  you are right. If him asking me to go out and me saying i dont mind effected him. He didmt show it too much. Or maybe  i missed it. 

Its just  weird i assumed guys in law enforcement would always be the confident types

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

Well ive never had a problem with anyone else. And ive spoken to number of different guys before online. 

So? 

Other guys aren't relevant to the current issue. This is one is suspicious of you. 

What other username did you post this story under before? It's the same thing you posted about months ago. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[rjc149]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

Its just  weird i assumed guys in law enforcement would always be the confident types

Yep, there are the confident types, just like there are cops who are profoundly insecure and have dangerous inferiority complexes, and self-actualize by signing up to be low-level authority figures. Cops are people, they run the gamut. 

 

[miranda561]

12 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Yep, there are the confident types, just like there are cops who are profoundly insecure and have dangerous inferiority complexes, and self-actualize by signing up to be low-level authority figures. Cops are people, they run the gamut. 

 

Yes could be very accurate.

So do you think i should steer clear  or try with this man. 

ANd you were right i am young 

[stillafool]

Wait for him to contact you this time.

[rjc149]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

Yes could be very accurate.

So do you think i should steer clear  or try with this man. 

ANd you were right i am young 

If you think he's cute and you want to try, sure then go for it. Hanging out with insecure, easily-offended people who need to one-up everyone to feel superior gets to be a huge drain, though. 

But maybe it's good for the experience, to understand what you like and don't like. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

All it took was a coy "I don't mind" to his date request, when he wanted "yes yes oh YES!!" to put that tiny little prick into his balloon and POP away he goes. 

Lol, that's quite a stretch going from "I don't mind" to "yes yes, oh YES"!

There's a whole lot in between like how about "that would be nice" or "I'd love too."

Referencing your last post, speaking for myself, when I really dig a man, I love it when he can show a little vulnerability, like asking me what type of man I'm looking for or even asking what I like about "him."

I don't find that insecure at all, it endears me to him.

Or perhaps he is a bit insecure, so what? Everyone gets insecure, nothing to be ashamed about.

Again, this is only when I'm really into him.

I hate all these games, hide how you feel, pretending. 

You don't have to go overboard with it, there's a balance. 

But imo truly confident men are not afraid of showing a bit of vulnerability and being real with women. 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[rjc149]

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Again, this is only when I'm really into him.

Lol that's the essential operative condition. A guy can get away with certain behavior when the woman is really interested in him. He can't get away with the same behavior when her interest is fledgling or marginal. 

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But imo truly confident men are not afraid of showing a bit of vulnerability and being real with women. 

Couldn't be more true. When a man shows warmth, a little softness, a little sweetie-pie vulnerability within an overall framework of being a strong, confident, masculine man, it makes women freaking melt.

But when a guy is too soft, too vulnerable, too emotional, and relies on her for support, it conveys weakness which is generally a sexual turn-off for women.

And, when a guy is hyper-macho and overdoing the "alpha dawg" facade like the subject of this thread, it's often rooted in insecurity, which women can pick up on and is also a sexual turn-off once they see through it. Younger girls, like OP, typically don't have the life experience to see through it as easily, however. They are highly image-conscious and image-driven. 

 

[smackie9]

Law enforcement.......run for the hills! Unless it's "Sticks" Larkin

Edited April 20, 2020 by smackie9

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Law enforcement.......run for the hills! Unless it's "Sticks" Larkin

Not to mention all the women they have.

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

If you think he's cute and you want to try, sure then go for it. Hanging out with insecure, easily-offended people who need to one-up everyone to feel superior gets to be a huge drain, though. 

But maybe it's good for the experience, to understand what you like and don't like. 

Its ironic u said all that because right at the beginning when i was being extra fussy i was like is this guy really for me. I found him extra rude, but th at was mainly by message when things can easily  be misunderstood. And back then no matter what i said to highlight how we may not be compatible he was trying his best to win me round. Hes stopped all of tht now after my hot n cold acts 😅😅.

But its weird although he would appear harsh by message, when i spoke  to him on the phone it flowed and wasnt as hard as i imagined our conversations to be. And he did keep complimenting as i did say, like how interesting i am and unique.

But yeh i mean its been a whole week of silence now so im like 🤔🤔. Especially since he was the one who asked to meet me. Maybe he just wants reassurance i dont know

 

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, that's quite a stretch going from "I don't mind" to "yes yes, oh YES"!

There's a whole lot in between like how about "that would be nice" or "I'd love too."

Referencing your last post, speaking for myself, when I really dig a man, I love it when he can show a little vulnerability, like asking me what type of man I'm looking for or even asking what I like about "him."

I don't find that insecure at all, it endears me to him.

Or perhaps he is a bit insecure, so what? Everyone gets insecure, nothing to be ashamed about.

Again, this is only when I'm really into him.

I hate all these games, hide how you feel, pretending. 

You don't have to go overboard with it, there's a balance. 

But imo truly confident men are not afraid of showing a bit of vulnerability and being real with women. 

 

I agree with you, i like it when a man shows his sensitive/vulnerable  side, it kind of shows me theyre human.

On the phone he says he can be sensitive, and  i was literally like really you? 😂 because by text he acts so bigheaded . But mybe he frgot how he showed me all the bravado before. The most  vulnerable  he got was saying how his job is very stressful and how the morale is low. And i was thinking wow hes actually opening up a little. But he didnt go deeper than that with regards to emotions 

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, that's quite a stretch going from "I don't mind" to "yes yes, oh YES"!

There's a whole lot in between like how about "that would be nice" or "I'd love too."

Referencing your last post, speaking for myself, when I really dig a man, I love it when he can show a little vulnerability, like asking me what type of man I'm looking for or even asking what I like about "him."

I don't find that insecure at all, it endears me to him.

Or perhaps he is a bit insecure, so what? Everyone gets insecure, nothing to be ashamed about.

Again, this is only when I'm really into him.

I hate all these games, hide how you feel, pretending. 

You don't have to go overboard with it, there's a balance. 

But imo truly confident men are not afraid of showing a bit of vulnerability and being real with women. 

 

I mean i stil have no idea how he feels about me apart from that  he does not find me boring, and im unique and how my personality was coming through on the phone 🤔

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Lol that's the essential operative condition. A guy can get away with certain behavior when the woman is really interested in him. He can't get away with the same behavior when her interest is fledgling or marginal. 

Couldn't be more true. When a man shows warmth, a little softness, a little sweetie-pie vulnerability within an overall framework of being a strong, confident, masculine man, it makes women freaking melt.

But when a guy is too soft, too vulnerable, too emotional, and relies on her for support, it conveys weakness which is generally a sexual turn-off for women.

And, when a guy is hyper-macho and overdoing the "alpha dawg" facade like the subject of this thread, it's often rooted in insecurity, which women can pick up on and is also a sexual turn-off once they see through it. Younger girls, like OP, typically don't have the life experience to see through it as easily, however. They are highly image-conscious and image-driven. 

 

Im really hoping he is not image driven and image conscious because  it's literally the opposite of what  i am. 

I was a bit concerned when he all he talked about was looks with regards to the women he was being  set up with. Saying they're basically very unattractive. I wss just thinking how shallow. Because  if it was me th at wouldnt be the first thing i would comment on, i would care more about deeper things nd their personality 

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Law enforcement.......run for the hills! Unless it's "Sticks" Larkin

Why?

[miranda561]

53 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Not to mention all the women they have.

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳