So many things....

[lolablue17]

52 minutes ago, PinDrop said:

I'll try to get out of there as quickly and calmly as possible. Yeah, I've been reading a bunch on this site and others. I hope that my plan is sound. Ha! It's hardly a plan at all. It's a "Man Plan". Go in there, grunt, and leave. 

Great plan! Stick to it. No matter how tempted you'll be to stay. 

This is the exact plan I do when i'm at the casino 😀

[2BGoodAgain]

hate to say this, but this has happened before... to many people... and in many different scenarios, but the reasons are usually the same, if varied.

the thing i'm trying to say is.. you aren't alone... and there are people here, who have been where you are and you aren't alone.

Listen to Mark, he's prob the most sane of us here... I'm sorry you're going thru this... 

There are many people here from all sides of such an event... they may be able to give you insight, and hopefully a good place for you to vent and perhaps provide helpful suggestions...

Don't do anything out of impulse; there are two warring sides in you... the one who wants to be smart about this and the other that wants to just rage against everything and everyone...  But yes, confront her about this... not sure before your trip or afterwards... consults your options before you make any decisions...  but whatever you decisions, whatever you find out from her perspective of why... you clearly have to make a decision.

1) stay with her n perhaps possibly work out this event in your lives... thru therapy / conversation / decision making....

OR

2) not stay with her. Move on. End this.

Whatever you decide, as much as instincts may tell you otherwise... seek out legal options first... before you make any decisions... 

then the hard part will kick out.. dealing with all this fall out. whether alone or with her...

I wish you the best.

[mark clemson]

26 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

Listen to Mark, he's prob the most sane of us here... I'm sorry you're going thru this...

Appreciate that - but - Mark's thought is to listen to the other BS's who have been through Ddays and similar like you're going through right now, OP. I have not been through one and they can probably better relate to where your head is at. Think it's necessary to put that out there.

[BreakOnThrough]

I'm sorry for your pain.  My suggestion would be not to get completely paralyzed by over analyzing the situation.  Not that you don't have a lot to consider, but doing so too heavily can cloud your judgement, essentially stunting any rational process/action in the meantime.  The fact is, you have all the proof you will ever need to end the relationship and make her culpable in the process.  Not to say you have been handed a "silver platter" per se, but you have in a sense, take it as a blessing to propel you forward productively and in YOUR best interest, good luck.

[Poutrew]

You have a good sounding plan, PinDrop. The one thing I can perhaps add to it would be to move your money out of any joint account. You don't want her to drain you dry if she can.  It's happened in the past. Don't let her steal your economic future as well... good luck.

[Had I Known]

I'm a newbie, this is my first post, but I've done lots of reading in this forum and have contemplated the path I would take were I ever to find myself in the situation of dealing with an adulterous spouse.

Assuming the BS has not been a terrible person to the WS I believe any form of cheating MUST result in immediate divorce even if the WS is truly remorseful and wether the BS wants to continue the marriage or not.  If the BS has no intentions to reconcile they should still act as though they do until the divorce is final.  Some may say that would be wrong, but the BS needs to look out for themselves knowing the WS clearly can't be trusted to treat the BS kindly.

The BS should make it clear that the only path to reconciliation would be found through a very amicable divorce wherein the WS concedes whatever the BS requests.  At that point the WS attends counseling and works to prove themselves worthy of another chance by again agreeing to whatever the BS requests.  

If the BS sees compliance in anything they ask, sincere remorse from the WS and a tremendous effort to regain the trust and love of the BS, then they can begin dating.  If all goes well they can look at remarrying on the condition the WS signs an ironclad prenuptial agreement which again grants whatever the BS requests.

If during this process the WS does not meet the needs of the BS, or the BS is unreasonable, they are each free to go their own way with the divorce already done amicably in favor of the BS.

As soon as the BS has proof of infidelity they should gather as much info as possible using text/phone records, emails, VAR, keylogger, PI, etc... before confronting as a means of gauging the honesty of the WS.  Once the BS has as much info as possible they should confront with minimal undeniable proof (i.e. say they were witnessed kissing even if you know there was more)  and tell the WS they will not discuss it any further until the divorce is final.  Once the divorce is final the BS should ask whatever questions they feel they need answers to and make it clear ANY intentional dishonesty (lies, trickle truth, minimizing) will make reconciliation impossible.

So.....the above is my recommendation to PinDrop for handling his situation.  

Finally I'd like to say I am worried PinDrop might be considering a revenge affair with his assistant based on what he has posted.  I'd say go for it if you want to temporarily get your mind off the pain you're feeling over your wife's betrayal, but be warned a revenge affair will complicate things and not make you feel any less pain over your wife's betrayal.  This is because your wife already ruined your marriage. 

I like to use the car analogy.  Think of your marriage like a brand new car you and your wife share.  Your wife is then careless with the car and totals it.  You find the car totalled and are upset she was so careless.  You decide to take a sledgehammer to the car thinking that will hurt her back or make you feel better.  However nothing you do to the car will change the fact that she destroyed what was a great car.  To add to that line of thinking you may go thru the hassle and expense of repairing the car if you thought it was the perfect car and think it could be great again, but no matter what you do it will always be stamped with a salvaged title and never have the potential value of a car that was never destroyed.

I wish you the best PinDrop, and I am sorry this happened to you.  You are in my prayers.   

 

 

[WilyWill]

By now you've probably confronted her. Once things calm down, think about making her an offer. In exchange for an amicable, fair divorce (where you get to walk away with most of the spoils of your hard work), you'll consider dating her and eventually remarrying her. Then when the divorce is final, ghost her and never look back. Find a woman who will love and respect you. Make some children and send a family photo to your ex.

FWIW, she met the guy at the gym where she takes spin classes. Get him fired.

Edited March 16, 2020 by WilyWill

[PinDrop]

She owned up to it and I went to the mountains on Saturday and Sunday. 3 hour drive and no way of talking to any human being. I climbed up to some cliffs and wandered down to a couple of waterfalls. It was a good strenuous hike, except nothing works like it used to. I used to jog these trails! Now, I feel like lead. What is it about going outside, contemplating your life, and beating the crap out of yourself against the somewhat tamed wilderness that makes you stronger mentally as well? I don't know. I have a good clue though. 

So now I'm at the hotel again. Spent the last half hour looking at IMs and listening to voicemails. There's a ton of them from her. Crying. Apologizing. Accepting blame. Nothing that I did. She feels stupid. Are we really done? One horrible mistake. She knew it was wrong. She called it off a couple of times. She never loved him. He was just part of an experience. There's so many messages. She isn't denying anything. She never did deny anything. She says that she told me everything. 

I went home with the Sony recorder ready to roll, and the first words out of my mouth were "Our marriage is over". Her response was "How did you know?". Of all of the responses, "How did you know"?

I asked her what she meant by "how did you know". I mean, my first thought was that she was about to tell me that she was leaving me! I mean, why not? Didn't she already? I felt instantly more screwed up than I was before. She's screwing some dude, she was going to tell me that it was over when I got back, and here we are. "How did you know?" Right? She noticed what must have been a stupid look on my face and said, "How did you know what I did while you were gone?" Me being the genius that I am, asked "What did you do?", I mean, it seemed like the right thing to say while I concentrated on keeping my s*** squared away, and she launched into it: 

She goes to a shabby little gym because her best friend does. She's been going there for over a year. Her friend has a boyfriend used to be a physical trainer at that gym. Not anymore. Her friend is a divorcee, the wild type, but has always been upright around me and never given me any concern in the past. So the PT is the boyfriend of my wife's best friend. Anyway, my wife cheated on me and her best friend by screwing the PT. Supposedly. She certainly cheated on me. Not sure if she technically cheated on her friend. One of the impressions that I wanted to flesh out but never got around to because I had to leave before I lost my s***, was if her friend minded any of this. I have the impression that the girls planned it all out. I've heard my wife and her friend talk, but I've heard a bunch of shop talk from the guys as well, so their "girl shop talk" never really got much more than a chuckle from me when I overheard it. That's not to say that I heard them talking about any of THIS, just my wife's friend talking about her "man's" anatomy... chuckle chuckle. They sounded like a couple of teenagers. I never thought much of it. 

The jist of my wife's story is that her friend was always talking about PT guy's "anatomy", and by virtue of its size, no place or position was off the table. Months of her friend harping on this, presumably. Basically, I had been and always was to be her only sexual partner, since we had no sex before marriage and presumably, were going to be married for life. She wanted to know what it was like to be with another man, and somehow over months of girl talk, she rationalized that she might as well experience it with someone who didn't have any "limitations". I am using my own words. She was overly concerned with being gentle with me so she tiptoed around directly talking about size, but she got the point across. It wasn't him at all she explained. It was just that he was interested, available, and somewhat familiar to her, due to being around him at the gym all of the time, and of course, all of the girl talk. I guess she'll get to know as much as she wants, now. She can be the divorcee who gets to be someone else's toy, and brag to her married friends about it.

She knew that I knew before I opened my mouth. It was only this one time. It was only ever going to be this one time. She doesn't love him. She is in love with me. She knew that I'd see the bruises, so she knew that she'd have to own up, she just didn't know that I'd know already. Bruises!? She says that it wasn't any good. He was rough. It was all about him. I didn't ask her about the smile on her face at the time. She said that it was all just physical, and that she was really happy with our sex life. She says that her experience has made her value ours more. She thought that it would be different than what it was, and it seemed to her that she was the one being used. I don't know. She said a ton of stuff. My usual attention to detail must have been disrupted by my emotional condition. Things that she said disappear, only to reappear randomly in my thoughts. 

I think that she knows that the cameras did her in, but I didn't say anything about it. I have the impression that I missed quite a bit. Funny that it doesn't matter. Rummaging around here, I've noticed people looking for evidence when they have enough evidence. Questions about the physical act were completely absent from the discussion. That's why she has to know that the cameras did her in, and I presume that she thinks that I saw everything, but she didn't ask, and I didn't offer. I also asked questions, but the answers, truth or not, didn't matter. I suppose that the answers matter, and that's why we ask, but they don't matter right now. They'll matter later when I try to sort out the chaotic trash heap between my ears. I'm glad (?) that I asked. 

Anyway, I told her that I was going out of town for the weekend, and that I'd touch base when I got back some time during the week. We have financial and other things to sort out.

She's been blowing up my phone, but I didn't get the messages until I got back to civilization and my phone started nagging me while I was driving down some twisty roads. I'm back at the hotel and I'm taking a couple of days of PTO to get my act together. The mountains helped. 

So here's where I am. I'm divorcing her. Talking to lawyers. They've already fit me in. Individual councilling is set up for later this week with an old buddy. 

I'm pretty torn up. I read my words and think "that guy has his s*** squared away", and then think that I'm such a liar, leaving out the heartbreak. It's like an after action report. Nobody cries on an AAR. There's no box for it. It doesn't matter that I desperately want to find a way to take her back with honor, so that I can look at her and say "no hard feelings" and get back to normal. I just don't see any way around it, and if I can't see any way around it, then why would I put myself though a world of s*** by asking a bunch of questions and hoping for the right combination of answers to make everything good again. Even if everything that she said was true, I can't see myself ever being able to erase what I saw. She screwed up big time. I don't know how she could have possibly entertained the notion, much less acted on it. I don't get it. I mean, I get it, but only on the level of a cheap daytime soap opera. Not real life. Not real commitments. The screwed up thing is that she said these very things to me. She doesn't get it either. That's her words, "a cheap daytime soap opera". My trust is so far gone that even when she commiserates like we've always done with each other in the past, it comes out fake, like "I'm on your side! This sucks", and I resist the urge to dig deep inside to find out where my blame in all of this lies. 

That's really the screwed up part of this all. She did the dirty deed. Not me, yet I want to be in control. I did this somehow. How messed up. Then, I swing to the opposite, "she has me thinking this way!", as if I have no control at all. That's why I had to get away, to go nowhere, to try to sort this out. It's not sorted out. I'm calmer, yes. I don't let much out. Inside, it's a mess. 

I'm probably leaving a ton of stuff out. I apologize if I don't make much sense. Everything is probably so out of order in this post. I am so worn out. So many questions have been answered already, here and in other people's experiences in other threads, so I haven't been asking many. I'm here because you people are here, you listen, and help me to act more confident when I'm not all that confident. Thanks to all of you!

[scotchnstout]

I'm sorry bro, meaningless platitude I know, but let it hurt for now that's healthy then focus on your happiness, whatever decision you make, R or D, make sure your happiness is your priority.

[JS84]

Just make sure you take care of yourself and keep us updated. Ya your wife really screwed up. I have a feeling she might be one to lose it once the reality of the consequences sink in. Right now she still sounds like she's in shock.

There's no magic cure that will make you feel better anytime soon. You're just going to feel like s*** for awhile, comes with the territory. There are some things you can do to help make the process a bit more tolerable and make the healing process go a bit faster. The first is NO SEX WITH YOUR WIFE PERIOD and keep conversations limited to finances, divorce, household chores, lawyers, etc. If you do wind up talking about personal things, her cheating, or whatever try to keep a time limit on the conversation. Like 30 minutes to an hour and then shut it down. But avoid that type of talk altogether if you can.

Eat well, work out, try to avoid alcohol if possible. A lot of people claim that taking care of themselves physically made it easier to cope with their swinging emotions. Plus you'll just feel better in general.

Be prepared to be all over the place emotionally for the next several months, it's perfectly normal. One day you'll love her, then hate her, then feel nothing, sometimes a combo, etc.

Spend more time with family/friends if possible and try to spend more time doing social things that don't involve your new wife. Getting back into old hobbies or starting new ones also get a lot of mention.

Anyway, if what you say is true, you've handled things better than 90% of the cheated spouses who come here looking for advice.

edit: Keep in mind some of this advice is probably more suited for after the pandemic is over.

[WilyWill]

She can demonstrate remorse with a generous divorce settlement. You will agree to attend some marriage counseling sessions after the divorce to give her a chance to prove that she's worthy of remarrying (hint: she's not, and she never will be).

What she did was no "mistake". It was a calculated decision to have sex with another man and an attempt to emasculate you by doing it in the home you bought for her.

Seriously, she withheld premarital sex from you under the auspices of being a "good girl"? Pfft. You need to ask yourself how many times she did this before.

Edited March 16, 2020 by WilyWill

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It continues to amaze me with how cliche affairs are. One ex-friend left his wife for his secretary. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. Another friend's wife slept with her tennis pro. Now OP's wife has a fling with a trainer from the gym. Once caught, they all say the same thing (including OP's wife). Human nature can be so predictable at times.

It also amazes me how how cheaply the cheaters give away everything of value to some dude/girl that will mean nothing in a few months post-affair/D-day. You and your wife are going to pay a steep price her "experience" of a "cheap daytime soap opera".

PinDrop - remember this was her decision. She tanked the marriage, not you. You're not the "bad guy" for divorcing. She left you no other choice. It's all on her.

[lolablue17]

I'm so sorry for you, man...

You're handling this much better than most people. You're very confused, so the first advice I can give you is: Don't expect the confusion to disappear in a few days. It can take months for most people. 

You are mentally injured. Your manhood was hurt and humiliated, your honor was hurt, you have experienced a betrail from the person you are so close to, you are facing an unknown destiny, you lost your family cell.....  AND - YOU LOST YOUR BEST FRIEND. That is heavy. 

Even when your wife's testimony can be theoretically the truth, and even may seem reasonable - I just can't ignore the thousands of stories I have read (Thousands - literally). When you catch them - It's always "It happened only once," it's always "I didn't like it," it's always "No feelings were involved". I can believe that only  1 of 10, or 1 of 100, can be the actual truth... 

In your case, the odds are significantly lower because the chance of the truth being "only once," which is anyhow low, is multiplied by the almost zero chance that the only time you accidentally watched the cameras, you caught her "only once" cheating. So the actual statistics chance is something like 1 to dozens of thousands.  Usually it takes a long period with many cheating acts, in order to meet the chance of being caught. 

Also her other things you mentioned here like "this one time experience has made her value you more" are like the most common quotes from the book "Things that cheaters say when you catch them." So not only her cheating and motives are like a daytime soap opera, but also her excuses, transparency, and honesty are cliches and cheap the same. 

Even the "How did you know what i did", wasn't an innocent reaction, it was an improvised (or planned) initiative response to make you believe that it happend only once by saying the "what i did" = to burn it to your consciousness that it was only once. 

My friend - You aren't even close to getting the whole truth. Not that it matters...  

Edited March 16, 2020 by lolablue17

[schlumpy]

As you hinted in your post, her GF played a role. That's not a valid excuse, but we do sometimes become who we associate with.

[WilyWill]

If she realizes you are serious about divorce with no path to redemption for her, she may get very nasty very fast. Entitled people don't like it when their stuff gets taken away. Prepare for her to start spitting fire. If you are in her presence, she may file false charges of domestic violence. Protect yourself and record all conversations with her.

[Buckeye2]

I think you might have been able to reconcile with your wife if you had asked about the bruises and she told the same story she is now.   But actually seeing it happening and her smile drove a nail in the coffin.   Spare yourself as much heartache as you can and move on.

In life few things are all bad or all good.   You seem to be the very stable family man type.  You have a good job so you will be highly desirable on the market once you’re single.

Now you can have kids of your own.  Just think of it.  Some great kids will exist because your wife had an affair.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Buckeye2

[mark clemson]

24 minutes ago, WilyWill said:

...she may file false charges of domestic violence. Protect yourself and record all conversations with her.

I'm not sure on the rationale given, but I agree it might be wise to protect yourself. Talk to your lawyer about this before proceeding with a VAR as to what may be legal/illegal in your state, but it may be a very good idea if possible, JIC. It's possible you may be legally required to let her know she's being recorded, depending on the state, etc.

Edited March 16, 2020 by mark clemson

[Had I Known]

So she claims this was a planned 1 time event so she could experience for herself this great sex with a well endowed Physical Trainer that her friend told her stories of which aroused her?  She decided you weren't equipped to mount her the way her friend was getting mounted so she approached the guy and requested he mount her and do her the way he did the friend.  No flirting, no making out, no attachment, no effort on your wife's part to perform for him?  No effort from her to please or pleasure him?  All he got out of it was getting off in/on your wife?

And supposedly while planning this and while doing this she had the same love in her heart for you that she always had?

Since this 1 time event was all planned did she tell you if she also PLANNED to NOT use protection so she could get the "full" feeling and taste?

You understand everything you've heard from her is a lie, right?  

She has been getting destroyed by Mr. Big for some time now and has been craving every minute of it without a thought about you.  The day you caught your wife she got sloppy (literally) since she'd been with him so often she was no longer even making an attempt to be cautious.  If this was planned wouldn't she have planned a safe location so you wouldn't return home for some unknown reason and ruin her fun? 

Mr. Big felt like getting off again so he swung by to have your wife service him.  And she did so enthusiastically that she forgot all about the camera pointed right at them on the couch.  Or maybe she's just been spreading for him for so long that she wanted to spice things up by adding the extra "naughty" element of getting pounded by Mr. Big in your house on your favorite couch.

I know I'm being overly graphic, but you will likely never get the truth from her and I want you to understand thoughts like this will plague you forever.  Thoughts about what she really did and how she really feels about it and about you.

Now she is panicking and lying out of fear that all the fun she's been having with Mr. Big might cost her.  Her hope is you'll buy her lies, forgive and just "get over it" so she doesn't pay much for her fun.

Stick to the divorce.  You'll see how much she really loves you as the divorce progresses.

[Buckeye2]

1 hour ago, Had I Known said:

So she claims this was a planned 1 time event

You understand everything you've heard from her is a lie, right?  

If this was planned wouldn't she have planned a safe location so you wouldn't return home for some unknown reason and ruin her fun? 

You obviously know more than enough to get a divorce.  If it being a onetime thing or not makes any difference to you whatsoever now is the time to find out.   Place a VAR under her car seat or wherever she uses her phone.  She may confide in friends.

This will be for your personal information only.  Never tell anyone about it. 

[PinDrop]

19 hours ago, scotchnstout said:

I'm sorry bro, meaningless platitude I know, but let it hurt for now that's healthy then focus on your happiness, whatever decision you make, R or D, make sure your happiness is your priority.

Thank you. I want to say that it can't get any worse, but that would be an insult to those who have had it worse! 

19 hours ago, JS84 said:

Just make sure you take care of yourself and keep us updated.

I will, and I'll take what the rest of what you said to heart. I've not stopped working out, so I'm good there. No alcohol. Check. ABSOLUTELY no sex. I can't even imagine... 

19 hours ago, WilyWill said:

She can demonstrate remorse with a generous divorce settlement. You will agree to attend some marriage counseling sessions after the divorce to give her a chance to prove that she's worthy of remarrying (hint: she's not, and she never will be).

What she did was no "mistake". It was a calculated decision to have sex with another man and an attempt to emasculate you by doing it in the home you bought for her.

Seriously, she withheld premarital sex from you under the auspices of being a "good girl"? Pfft. You need to ask yourself how many times she did this before.

She seems to be in "I'll agree to anything" mode at the moment. Just waiting to talk to our lawyers tomorrow morning. I did run something by our legal team today, and they mentioned 1 year mandatory separation?! Great. Chained to my disease for a year after paperwork goes in. 

She didn't withhold sex. It was mutual. It wasn't religious in nature. It was for a "firm foundation" for our relationship. I'd go into the benefits, but then, there's the suddenly obvious downside. 

18 hours ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

It continues to amaze me with how cliche affairs are.

Well, it's amazing me too. All the stuff that I've read over the past week, and it all sounds the same. 

17 hours ago, lolablue17 said:

I'm so sorry for you, man...

.

.

.

My friend - You aren't even close to getting the whole truth. Not that it matters...  

I left a bunch out, but I'm taking it all to heart. Honestly, there's no chance of reconciliation. At least, I keep repeating that. It's weird that my emotions are such that obviously stupid emotional inclinations, such as "Let's just forget about it" seem rational for a minute or so here and there. It's like I don't want to do the work needed to get fixed. I'd rather just pretend that nothing happened and go about my old happy life ignorantly. Then, true rationality appears, and I think about 10 years from now, staring at something I'm supposed to be working on, distracted, going back to these days, and I say to myself, "Yeah man, you're not going to get over this. It's time to go". 

15 hours ago, schlumpy said:

As you hinted in your post, her GF played a role. That's not a valid excuse, but we do sometimes become who we associate with.

She certainly did! I don't how much of a role, but I'm throwing her in the trash bin with my wife. 

15 hours ago, WilyWill said:

If she realizes you are serious about divorce with no path to redemption for her, she may get very nasty very fast.

Great. I'm seeing this in other lives here as well. Thanks for the heads-up. I think, "She's not the type", but then, there's a lot of things that I thought that she wasn't "the type" to do. 

15 hours ago, Buckeye2 said:

I think you might have been able to reconcile with your wife if you had asked about the bruises and she told the same story she is now.   But actually seeing it happening and her smile drove a nail in the coffin.   Spare yourself as much heartache as you can and move on.

Seeing it certainly makes it easier to hold the course. "Easier". Strange how terms take on new meanings these days. ...and the bruises. I've never seen any before. She mentioned being worried that I would see them, so that's (one of the reasons) why she owned up. Maybe this was the first time, or maybe it progressed to being so rough over time, and this was the first time that it got out of hand. I don't know. Why am I even thinking about this?  

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure on the rationale given, but I agree it might be wise to protect yourself. Talk to your lawyer about this before proceeding with a VAR as to what may be legal/illegal in your state, but it may be a very good idea if possible, JIC. It's possible you may be legally required to let her know she's being recorded, depending on the state, etc.

I didn't let her know that I was recording. I'll mention your concerns (mine now) when I speak to the team in the morning. I figure that, even if it can't be used as evidence, at least it can be used to prove any unfounded accusations. The lessor of two evils and all of that. 

14 hours ago, Had I Known said:

So she claims this was a planned 1 time event so she could experience for herself this great sex with a well endowed Physical Trainer that her friend told her stories of which aroused her? 

She did. I don't know if I believe her, but I certainly don't have any evidence to the contrary. Does it matter? I think that I'm well on my way to letting the rational part of my brain beat the ever-living s*** out of the emotional parts, and get this divorce rolling. It's not without an emotional tax. It's just that I can pout all that I want, but I'm moving forward. All that crap was so violent and gross. Like animals. I can't get it out of my head. I know that I can forgive, but I can't forget. That's why even if I were able to work this all out, I'll always have 5 minutes of video hell in my head that will pop up randomly, and will always be there, ready to harm whatever was left of our marriage. I don't want to live with that. 

I'll be back later. I'm so exhausted. At least I'm not randomly shaking anymore. Isn't this a bitch, after getting out of service relatively sane and with relatively minor injuries, and my wife ends up being the one who takes me out. That's not happening. I swear. I'm not going to lose the most noble parts of me to this train wreck.

[WilyWill]

You've got this, friend. You say you've read some stories in here. Then certainly you've seen the ones that go "...it's two years later and I'm happier than I've ever been. My new girlfriend has made me realize what I was missing in a wife..."

That story will be YOU.

[PinDrop]

One other thing... running off the the gym, but I sidestepped something the other day... my personal assistant. My wife brought her up too. My wife always thought that something could go on between us, and that stressed her out. Thanks for the vote of confidence, wifey. Of course, she never mentioned this when it would have counted and I could have reassured her, like in the days before the Great Couch Desecration. Once old Chad got to work on her, all of her former concerns became irrelevant to me, in other than in a self-help sort of way.

There's nothing going on with my PA, there was never anything going on, and there was no possibility previously of anything going on. It's not in my DNA to cheat, but certainly, if you've only had one sexual partner in your life, adding another, while married, um... seriously? Never a chance... my wife obviously has a different opinion on such things. 

My PA has always been fond of me. She was hired and assigned to me after she graduated from college 4 years ago. She "loves this" and "loves that" about me, but she "loves this" and "loves that" about a bunch of stuff. She's beautiful, she knows it, and she flirts. So yeah, there's that, and I sometimes wonder if people schedule appointments with me to see HER. She once had a crush on me, but I think that's faded over the years... Apparently I pushed all of her buttons in the beginning, but I didn't nurture that seed. I assumed it was "young girl in world of manly men" hero worship, and I never took it personally. I never discussed any aspect of my marriage (until now) that was negative in any fashion with my PA.

My PA is also 11 years younger than I, and is the daughter of the CEO. The CEO's wife promised their daughter that if she got rid of her silly notions of being a model, they'd give her a well-paying job. The reason that the CEO made her my PA, is that we served together, and he didn't trust anyone else with his little girl. He put her with me because he knew that I wouldn't screw around.

I had to think long and deep about my emotional connections to her, not before, but now. Thanks to the kind person who mentioned their concerns. I'm maintaining my distance while my noggin isn't quite screwed on right. I promise that I won't do anything stupid with her. I LIKE my job, and I'm still technically married. In all honesty, she's far too young, that ship has sailed, and I don't feel up to any more drama anyway. 

[scotchnstout]

5 minutes ago, PinDrop said:

One other thing... running off the the gym, but I sidestepped something the other day... my personal assistant. My wife brought her up too. My wife always thought that something could go on between us, and that stressed her out. Thanks for the vote of confidence, wifey. Of course, she never mentioned this when it would have counted and I could have reassured her, like in the days before the Great Couch Desecration. Once old Chad got to work on her, all of her former concerns became irrelevant to me, in other than in a self-help sort of way.

There's nothing going on with my PA, there was never anything going on, and there was no possibility previously of anything going on. It's not in my DNA to cheat, but certainly, if you've only had one sexual partner in your life, adding another, while married, um... seriously? Never a chance... my wife obviously has a different opinion on such things. 

My PA has always been fond of me. She was hired and assigned to me after she graduated from college 4 years ago. She "loves this" and "loves that" about me, but she "loves this" and "loves that" about a bunch of stuff. She's beautiful, she knows it, and she flirts. So yeah, there's that, and I sometimes wonder if people schedule appointments with me to see HER. She once had a crush on me, but I think that's faded over the years... Apparently I pushed all of her buttons in the beginning, but I didn't nurture that seed. I assumed it was "young girl in world of manly men" hero worship, and I never took it personally. I never discussed any aspect of my marriage (until now) that was negative in any fashion with my PA.

My PA is also 11 years younger than I, and is the daughter of the CEO. The CEO's wife promised their daughter that if she got rid of her silly notions of being a model, they'd give her a well-paying job. The reason that the CEO made her my PA, is that we served together, and he didn't trust anyone else with his little girl. He put her with me because he knew that I wouldn't screw around.

I had to think long and deep about my emotional connections to her, not before, but now. Thanks to the kind person who mentioned their concerns. I'm maintaining my distance while my noggin isn't quite screwed on right. I promise that I won't do anything stupid with her. I LIKE my job, and I'm still technically married. In all honesty, she's far too young, that ship has sailed, and I don't feel up to any more drama anyway. 

Understandable, get yourself together first(mentally that is), then revisit your PA, you never know could be something great after you talk to her father of course. You're the priority now, happiness I've come to realize in this life is scarce, don't turn your back on a door without at least knocking.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

6 hours ago, PinDrop said:

Just waiting to talk to our lawyers tomorrow morning. I did run something by our legal team today, and they mentioned 1 year mandatory separation?! Great. Chained to my disease for a year after paperwork goes in.

Some states require a 1-yr period of legal separation or "waiting period" before filing for divorce.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

Some states require a 1-yr period of legal separation or "waiting period" before filing for divorce.

That's typically for a no-fault divorce.  If OP has proof of adultery (which he does), I think he can go for a fault divorce and possibly avoid the 1-year wait.