So many things....

[PinDrop]

I'm typing and retyping this post. Adding. Rewriting. I want to get it all down somewhere. It's a jumble. I'm sorry. I'm a jumble right now. Not even any emotional continuity in it. I apologize in advance. 

This morning I kiss my wife goodbye. She's all snuggly in bed like she always is when I leave because she works on her schedule and her schedule starts when the sun comes up. It's still dark. I drive to work. I get an IM from my security company "New message in message center" it says. That's normal. A low battery in a window sensor or pool sensor, or whatever, triggers an event, sends a message to the message center, and for security reasons, only IMs you with "New message...". 

So I get to work, a couple things come up, and about an hour and a half after leaving home, I finally get to my desk. "Oh yeah... check message center". I log into the dashboard to find out which battery is low. Not that it matters. When the first goes low, I replace them all... a year or so later a battery goes dead... and so on.  I just want to turn off the notification or it will pester me until I do. I find the password in my password manager. I log in to the security provider's web console and the dashboard loads.

So the "dashboard" is just that... little widgets thrown up in your browser showing, well, stuff. One of the things on the dashboard is the live view of the last cam you looked at. I instantly laughed when I saw it. Somebody hacked the security provider's website and instead of looking at the live camera, I'm looking at rough sex. Not really "rough" I guess. I mean, rough like pornos are where you can't imagine that the woman likes what's going on except for the paycheck. She's smiling though. Great acting. Some well-endowed dude is pounding the heck out of a woman, not 10 feet away from the camera, on the couch, with all that 4k has to offer. I then realized that there was nothing hacked. That was my camera, my new couch, and my wife. 

I don't think that it took more than a second to go from LOL! to dead and buried. I am totally dead right now. Shock seems to be the right word. I've seen that look in others before. I'm doing reasonably well when focused on this post, or the work at hand... I'm pretty busy... but I'll look away and be... I don't know.

I'm watching this video for what seems to be forever, but was probably more like 2 seconds, and something inside me yells over the static, "record this", so I hit the record button. Nothing happens. My security company's website and Chrome apparently don't play nice together. I fire up another browser, go to the site, try to type my insanely large password again from memory, get the "you must log out from other location before..." or some such nonsense, close the Chrome window, and finally get in on the other browser. "Record" works here. I at least got some of it. The end of it and the aftermath, I suppose.

It's gross what I was able to get. I feel like I'm watching animals. The beast who was having sex with my wife, finished in her, on her, and ON MY NEW COUCH from around 10 feet away from the camera under the TV. So yeah. Even if the resolution didn't make it obvious that he wasn't using protection, that pretty much did. 

She's cleaning up his... ick! from MY NEW COUCH. I recorded that too, and up until he left about 15 minutes later. If I were any good at such things, I'd put a angry emoji over their bits and post this crap to her Facebook page, "Upholstery cleaner needed". I'm joking. I'm pretty appalled that I'm joking. Not for long, I suppose. 

This catastrophe has happened, and I'm shaking in rage over them messing up the brand new sectional that my wife wanted and picked out, and I paid for... happily at the time. I'm more pissed off about a couch than the spectacle itself. I'm so screwed up.

How stupid can you be to be caught on your own security system? We have cameras everywhere EXCEPT the bedrooms and bathrooms. I don't get it. How many times have they done this? Is it some sort of game of risk? Did she just forget that cameras were around? She arms and disarms security system every day, although you don't see the cameras unless you tap around the pad to get to them. I don't get it. How many times? This can't be just a stroke of luck that I happened to log in the one time that this ever happened. No. This isn't the first time. It can't be. 

Here I am. Not sure what to think. I'm at work, so I have to work. I'm happy that I have to work. 

Someone help me put my finger on this. I think that my marriage is over? I guess that it was pretty much over some time in the past, when my wife looked at this guy, and the possibility of this happening became real. So many things. My couch! Why am I only pissed off about that right now. Yeah. There's something that I don't want to confront. I'm not stupid. It's going to hit me some time soon. 

I'm supposed to leave work early, catch a flight, and meet with vendors until Friday. I guess that's what I'll do. Thank goodness we've already decided to buy the vendor's solution, so I don't have much to think about except the formalities. I'm shaking while typing. My overclocked ape brain is really working hard at the moment. I just don't know what it's working on. 

Who do you talk to whose life is suddenly bottlenecked within the confines of a short porno clip? This is unreal. Nobody I know! Nothing close. Maybe I don't get out enough. So I'm here. I feel that this is better than talking to someone I know anyway. Whatever emotion besides those relating to my new expensive f***ing couch that I will never sit on again because it got some bastard's ick! on it that surface make me want to call her and ask her what I did wrong to deserve this, like this is all my fault somehow, but the logical side of my brain says "are you f'in kidding me!". 

It's going to be busy today, and I'm just old fashioned enough that I can read, but can't type very well on a phone, so I'll do my best when I can. I promise that I'll read. This whole post took hours back and forth between tasks, meetings, and my browser. I can't figure out a better lifeline than all of you.

I don't want anyone that I know to know yet. I just want to know where my head is now, from those who have been through this, and I don't want to do anything stupid either. Who was that guy? I'm okay with not going over there right this moment and going nuclear because I don't feel that way. I'm okay with being "normal" until Friday (hopefully?!), since I'm the laconic type to begin with. She wouldn't notice anything. I don't want to be needy, I just need to know what stupid things to avoid until Friday. At least I have until Friday. Then I have to face something. Her for sure. 

Married 16 years. She has been my only sexual partner, and I've been faithful even when tempted. Tried and true, damnit. I was her one and only sexual partner, up until I wasn't. Not sure when "wasn't" first happened. It certainly has happened. No children. We tried so many things to try to have kids. Just didn't work. I'm perfectly functional, but I loved her more than my dream of having children, so I always thought it would be me and her forever. I guess I might be having children after all. I'm 35 years old. She's 34. I guess that's all I know to tell.

[DKT3]

With her inability to have children,  have you two ever discussed separation? 

I ask because as you describe the events it almost seems like she did this intentionally so you could catch her. 

Me personally,  having learned from my mistakes when in your position,  I would actually confront her before the trip. Its almost perfect timing(if there is such a thing in something like this) because you can confront her then you have the ability to limit your interaction with her while you digest what she has told you about things.

[mark clemson]

Breathe. Scream and/or cry after work if you feel you need to. Don't hesitate to contact a therapist if you feel you wish to.

Don't do anything illegal such as revenge porn. It would probably be wise to talk to a lawyer. If you start discussing divorce with your wife, find out from the lawyer the legality of carrying a VAR (and informing your wife you are using one) in your state to record any conversations (this would be after the prospect of divorce was brought up). This would be to protect yourself in the unlikely but possible event of false accusations. I am by no means recommending this, but be aware that in a few states, if you have court-admissible evidence, it may be possible to sue an AP for alienation of affection if an affair results in divorce.

Unfortunately many people make discoveries like your, and some are on these boards if you read back far enough. I'm not suggesting you read them right now, but - the truth is it happens all the time. No doubt this is a huge disaster for you, but you will eventually get past it.

Whatever else you do, try not to do anything rash that will make your situation worse than it already is. Buy a beanbag and punch it if you have to, but no broken windows or anything that could be construed as spousal abuse. Proceed cautiously and deliberately (as much as possible right now) and you'll get through.

Very sorry to hear all this.

[oldtruck]

if you are going away on business try to get more video evidence so your WW

cannot claim it was all a mistake and it only happened one time.

[IndigoNight]

PinDrop, I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now. You are handling what you saw better than I ever could. That much I do know. 

I am so sorry that your world has shifted so dramatically, and unexpectedly. When someone we love betrays us, it tends to send our thoughts and feelings into a tailspin. I do hope that you will reach out, or post here whenever you need to. You are not alone! Please, try and remember that. 

Do you plan on going home after work? Are you going to confront her with what you have seen? Do you intend on trying to salvage your marriage, or is what she did a deal breaker? I don't think anyone would blame you for tossing her, and the defiled sectional, out in the cold. 

What can I, or we at Loveshack, we do to support you right now? If you need to vent, feel free to PM me if you want some privacy. 

[Caauug]

Welcome to the BS club, it's not nice but it can be part of life. In a way consider yourself lucky to have video evidence and not to have to use your imagination. 

15 hours ago, PinDrop said:

She has been my only sexual partner, and I've been faithful even when tempted. Tried and true, damnit. I was her one and only sexual partner, up until I wasn't. Not sure when "wasn't" first happened. It certainly has happened.

You both, at one time, had something you thought was special. She will likely use this in her defense as being inexperienced and wanting to try other people etc. How ever much you treasured this it is now gone and can never be regained.

15 hours ago, PinDrop said:

This catastrophe has happened, and I'm shaking in rage over them messing up the brand new sectional that my wife wanted and picked out, and I paid for... happily at the time. I'm more pissed off about a couch than the spectacle itself. I'm so screwed up.

 This is normal..... Your mind is trying to protect it's self or you, the rage should be directed to your wife and about everything she is destroying, mainly your marriage and your relationship to her. 

Take your trip, process your feelings/thoughts, this is life changing for YOU. Everything you thought you had with your wife has just been your thoughts not your wife's. What your wife is doing is not logical "TO YOU"...….but it's not you with the lover, it's your wife. 

Your wife has stepped out of your marriage, she has processed her feelings toward you and her relationship with you. She has had time on her side and as a woman, she is more InTouch with her feelings/emotions. You are caught completely off guard with heaps of emotions and questions. Catch up is hard.... Her actions may not be logical....  Take some time to deal with it!!!

 

[PinDrop]

I'm reading, Mark. Everything that I can get. Here. Other places. Thank you DKT3, oldtruck, IndigoNight, and caauug. It's comforting to know that I'm not that far off the rails yet. I'm still rational? Crazy.

Flight went well. Got to the hotel, got squared away, and ate with the vendors. They like to show off, so everything was good. Took my mind off of things... not really, just brought other things to focus in front of the catastrophe.

I've done the usual communication with my wife since yesterday. Almost all IM. I guess I'm in rescue mission mode. Strange how you snap back to how you were trained under periods of stress, even if that stress appears to be totally unrelated to what you were trained for.  Thanks Uncle Sam! I guess I'm rescuing myself this time. It's peculiar though. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is strange, since I know the emotions are there somewhere. 

Anyway, she knows that I'm pretty terse with IMs. I didn't call, with the excuse that it would be too late after I got back from eating, etc., with the vendors. That's pretty much normal in such cases. I suck at phone typing, so she expects short little comments. I kept it at that. She said nothing out of the ordinary. I said nothing out of the ordinary. I wanted to ask what she cleaned up with. Instead, it was "sweet dreams" and other such platitudes. For a couple of minutes there, I saw the future, when I wanted to call her and cry like a baby about what some bad person did to me, but the bad person was her, so it kinda defeats the purpose. That went away fast anyway. I suppose that there will be more of that. 

I did take the time to call a psychologist. Actually, I believe he's a psychiatrist now. He'd make sure that I'd know the difference. Anyway, he worked with some of the guys who came back with issues. PTSD mainly, you know, the 1000 yard stare with moments of worse crap thrown in at times for good measure. Same thing he says... sorta. I've seen that. Great. My meathead hasn't quite processed the carnage. "Your best buddy got blown up and your brain doesn't want to accept that. Too painful. Too complicated", he said, my "buddy" being my wife and marriage. "That's what you call that", I said. Betrayal is the worst probably was the them of the conversation. It was a pretty good half hour talk. I'm paraphrasing everything. He used bigger, better words, right? They always do. One thing that stuck out that he said is that infidelity of this manner, discovered in this manner, is seldom something one comes back from. That elicited another internal emotional response, that there may not be anything to rescue. You do the planning, training, and preparation, get to where you're supposed to go... alive, and there's nothing there.

DKT3, when we first figured out that scarring was going to prevent her from being able to carry a child, she offered that I should let her go. This was years and years ago. She knew that I loved children. I took vows. There wasn't fine print that I could toss her if she couldn't have children. We discussed adoption, mentoring, etc., and I do participate in the community. I loved her. There are plenty of children without proper guidance out there to uplift, so I focused there instead. 

Oldtruck, I set the motion camera in the living room, where the event occurred, and a couple other rooms that were fun for me in the past. I suppose that if something happens again, I'll get it, but mostly it's been her walking past a camera, it detecting motion, recording for 30 seconds after the motion stops. Wash, rinse,  repeat. There's no way to watch faster than real time unless I download the videos, which I'm trying to do, VPNed in to the office to my work laptop from this itty bitty apple thing. I'll grab them from there when I get back... home? Lots of question marks right now next to words like home, marriage, wife, etc... Do I really need any more evidence? One time is enough, just like I don't have to see two dogs humping in the street twice. I know what it is. 

IndigoNight, thanks for the kind offers. I don't really know what I need now. I know that I need to keep my mouth shut until I know what I need. That's probably good enough for now. 

Caaug, I bet that you're right. We were both totally inexperienced when it came to sex. Perhaps she felt that she hadn't experienced enough. I get it. When I got married and went into the service, I was a boy. After I was in for a while, women were starting to notice me, but I was married, so other than the usual biological urges, I made sure that my wedding ring was prominent on my finger, in my heart, and through my words. Well, if "experience" is her excuse, I completely understand why she didn't bring it up, but she could have brought it up, and then divorced me like an honorable woman would, to go experience things. 

The most screwed up thoughts have come to my head, like, how long does ick! stay in a woman? Days, right? Have I been co-mingling with her Chad? I'm ill. That's so gross. 

Gotta go to breakfast, and who knows what else, with these vendors. I'll check in. 

Just noticed. I'm breaking out in hives. Great. Internalizing doesn't work, even if it's involuntary. It's coming out on my face. 

Edited March 11, 2020 by PinDrop
Spelling and other junk

[PinDrop]

517 dollar charge pending to ******entertainment on our charge account from yesterday. Looking for others. Didn’t find anything else over the last 30 days. On my phone, so I can’t say much more than ??? 
 

Too busy for this crap.

[PinDrop]

I want to IM her innocently about the charge, but that would only lead to the thing that I don’t want to talk about yet. 
 

That would be out of character for me anyway. She charges practically everything, and I’m always having to ask her to decrypt charge codes every month, but not randomly.

[Starswillshine]

Oh, this takes me back. I am so sorry you are here. I dont want to welcome you to the club because it is a place no one wants to be. 

When do you go back home? Try to gather as much info as you can right now before she knows you know. Just because she will lie and minimize. And at some point, you will want to know what the hell happened in your marriage. Do it before she can do damage control. It may be too much to go through now, maybe ask a trusted friend to aid you. If you can pull text messages, do (Imessages can be pulled from your account if you log in). Pull phone records to at least get numbers so you can figure out who this person is. 

I needed meds to keep the panic attacks at bay (only needed them 5 times but the panic attacks were awful when the evidence was rolling in).  This is a very traumatic experience. Try some mediation or do something that can calm you. I hiked and ran... a lot. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 3/10/2020 at 1:13 PM, PinDrop said:

Someone help me put my finger on this. I think that my marriage is over? I guess that it was pretty much over some time in the past, when my wife looked at this guy, and the possibility of this happening became real. So many things. My couch! Why am I only pissed off about that right now. Yeah. There's something that I don't want to confront. I'm not stupid. It's going to hit me some time soon. 

First, this was brutal to read.

Second, you will never get that video out of your mind. IMO, any chance of reconciliation was terminated with that visual. No kids? No Brainer, move on for your own mental health

Third, you've been hit with a bomb. You are under incredible amount of stress and trauma. You are not in your right mind. There is no "normal" in this state. Looking back at my D-Day I was in such shock that she even had an affair in the first place. It took me a few months to get to the point of asking who the OM was. Anger will come later, and it will hit you like a freight train.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. It is bad enough what you saw but the fact that she brought him into your home is unforgivable. This was probably not the first time. You will need to get tested for an STD and start looking for a top notch lawyer in your area. Good luck to you.

[schlumpy]

You are doing the right thing because the first thing you need to decide is what outcome do you want? Do you want to stay married or are you done? That's what you have to decide. After that decision is made you can then make a plan.

Do you live in a state (I'm assuming US) where adultery makes a difference in divorce? If so, you might need more evidence so it would be best to go with a PI. If not then what you have should suffice.

One big hurdle to get over is was this the first time or just one of many over the years?

You obviously need to find who her BF is.

Sorry that your life has crashed but it's not your fault. Put the blame where it belongs.

[Sinful]

Man, that sucks that you had to experience that moment on top of the betrayal. 16 yrs is a long time, so I can only imagine what you're probably feeling. I really don't know what to say other than to stay strong and to think smart to make the best decisions for you going forward. Just know that you're not alone. I was married to a girl who ran off to be with her lover who she secretly maintained a long-distance relationship with during the 3yrs we were together.  

[Negotaurus]

You'll be rid of a lying cheating "thing". She will be someone else's problem while you, a humble loyal man, will move on to much better things. You're still young. It hurts like hell but time will heal you. Have faith in it. 

Don't let her ruin you or beat you down. 

[lolablue17]

"When I wanted to call her and cry like a baby about what some bad person did to me, but the bad person was her, so it kinda defeats the purpose". 

This quote of yours is the key!
She is your wife, friend, soulmate. Your primary instinct is to share and consult with her \ confront her \ be mad at her \ listen to her, Etc But all of these will not affect anything, and even might blur the big picture. Because when you talk to her someday, you don't know which response you'll get from her. 

You might get 100%lies, you might get partial truth, and you might get the whole truth (No real chance). But you will mainly get a woman that is focused on her survival, thinking about how to to get away with this, with minimum damage. What is more, she might tell you that she loves you and want to repair things, and may mean it, but you can't believe her, because her true feelings will be extremely biased by her shame and other self-interests. 

You don't have children, so you don't have any urgent duties or commitment. I suggest that you take your time, consult with as many friends as you can, therapist, family... I advise you to stop all contact. You owe her nothing in terms of explanations... Let her wonder why you're ghosting her; it's not your business. 

Zero contact will clean your mind from any biased influence that might come from her. Even pretending that you don't know and keep regular fake communication might twist your mind. You need to focus on your self and take the time to figure out which is the right direction. 

You don't want to listen to her excuses. I can tell you everything she might say, because I've been there, and have read thousands of threads like yours. She f***s guys because she likes that. She might have an affair with feelings because she likes that. She is not a criminal, but she wants to have both worlds. A stable marriage, during f***ing on the side.

1. Can you ever erase the porn movie you've seen?
2. Can you get over the betrail? Can you ever bring back the trust? Can you ever believe her? 
3. You love her. But are you willing to continue loving her while you know she continues f***ing other dudes? 
After consulting and taking a decision - This will be the time to execute your choices. And only then is the right time to talk to her. 

[PinDrop]

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate this lifeline. 

19 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

When do you go back home? Try to gather as much info as you can right now before she knows you know.

I was supposed to go back Friday afternoon in time for the weekend, but it looks like it may be possible to go back tonight. All the required work has been done. It's all formalities now, and my PA (personal assistant) can take care of that. She pretty much insisted that I go back. She's finding a flight right now. $$$, but corp won't mind.

You know, it's ironic that I have a PA that thinks the world of me, who looks after me, and is concerned about me while my wife turns my world into a chaotic mess. My PA knows something's wrong, but I haven't said anything to her about it. She did say that she knows it's a death or a marriage problem (she's sharp) that's bugging me, and that I should get home. Strike that. As I was typing this out, my PA came in, and I told her. She's off to breakfast with the group. She's going to make an excuse as to why I'm skipping. She's great at that type of thing.

I don't like that I told her though. Unprofessional. Never discuss your marriage with the opposite sex. I guess I'm impulsive now. Nice. What other character traits am I about to discover? I guess that it doesn't matter that I told her. I actually wasn't discussing my marriage, since it's nonexistent after that thing that happened. Contract broken. Poof. I'll let myself off on a technicality this time.

17 hours ago, Betrayed&Stayed said:

Second, you will never get that video out of your mind. IMO, any chance of reconciliation was terminated with that visual. No kids? No Brainer, move on for your own mental health

It's amazing how the brain works. When I saw, the first thing that I thought was "there is no chance of coming back from this". Then I wandered around not admitting that to myself knowing that it's probably true. I mean, so far deep inside of me, where that weird lump in my chest now resides, there's this bit of me saying that I sure would be happy to hear her rational explanation, and I'd say "Oh that! Haha! Well, that explains it!", and we'd live happily ever after, right?

It's really appalling what I saw. It's made me a little insecure over the last 24. I didn't see anything loving about it. It was like two dogs going at it. So I feel insecure that my wife never told me she liked it like that, and on the other hand, maybe she doesn't like it like that with me. Okay. Not going down that rabbit hole right now. 

I feel insecure because he was a pretty sculpted guy with... well, he was pretty big down there, I mean, I'm not god's gift to women or anything, but I've been in a few locker rooms, and I'm pretty much "normal". I think that seeing is worse in this case. I probably wouldn't have thought about that. Or maybe I would. Darn. I have no idea. It's bugging me now, I can tell you. 

I look at me from outside of me and I don't feel more sorry for myself than I do others here, who suspected for months and had to die slowly inside while finding out the truth. I'm reading your stories, and I have profound respect for all of you, for you're consoling me, when your paths seem to have been far more treacherous than mine in many cases, for one reason: I was blissfully naive, and then was confronted with an undeniable truth.

I'm seeing so many people begging for the truth, right? Evidence? Lies? I've got the video. No stress getting it, because I wasn't looking for it. Half the battle is won already. 

Bryanp, thanks. STDs. Damnit. I saw that in another post a few minutes ago. I could have the creepin cruds from my wife, complements of Chad Thundercock. Great. I don't know if I live in an at-fault state. Good thing that I'm taking another bit of advice and finding a lawyer... No issue there, except actually coming out and talking about this outside of this safe place. Probably avoiding that everywhere else for the most part... PA excluded. Whoops. If I use corp lawyers (free and excellent), then it's a corporate thing to a degree. I mean, I don't know if I want to be in the "corporate newsletter", so to speak. You know what I mean? So maybe I have an issue. I'll think about that. It's going to get out anyway. Why not go just go with the best, who also happens to be "free", as in a perk? 

Wow. I just realized that I'm sneaking around in the shadows, ashamed, not wanting anyone to know, as if I did something wrong. 

schlumpy, I think I'm done. I've tried making every excuse that I could make, if I were in her shoes, and I can't find anything that would turn that video into something other than adultery. She was too much into to it for it to have been assault. Enough time has passed that I'd know by now if I horribly misinterpreted what I saw as being consensual when it was not. I'd then be kicking my own ass for a different reason.

I guess that I have a list of things to do now. Thank you everyone. I so appreciate your help. I was thinking that I'd be irrational by this point. Maybe I am irrational and just don't know it. That's why I'm here. I'm not even pissed about my couch anymore. Actually, I wish that my wife would just disappear. How can I feel that? Does that even make sense? Like I go home, and she's not there, and we don't ever talk again. I don't need to know anything. I don't want to learn anything. I don't want to hear why I drove her to what she did. I don't want to hear any of the bull that many of you had to endure. Poof! Gone. Not in a bad way. Just in a strange sort of sitcom sort of way where a character is not seen again for a while and people wonder "what ever happened to that character?".  That's probably irrational. 

I'm not fooling myself into thinking that this is going to be easy. I have feelings. They're like a monster under the bed at night. I'm going to have to confront them, but it's morning and night is a long way off. I have all day.

The monster has IMed me, "Good morning! Mwah! I miss you!" and a couple other mundane things. The great thing about laying low when everyone knows that you hate IMing because you can't type is that you don't get a lot of chit-chat from the wife, because she knows you pretty much do the IM equivalent of grunting. Less said, less revealed unintentionally.

Unfortunately, something has to be said. I don't know what I'm going to say, when I have to step out from behind my IM shield. Shaking again. That can't be healthy. I've blown off enough of the day. I'm at a hard stop and have something to attend to. This took so long to type. Lola, I see your post and am taking it to heart. I just don't have time to reply at the moment.

 

[oldlion]

Actually you don't have to say anything. Just sit down with her and tell her you have something to show her. Then play the tape of her and the other man.  At that point it is her that has been placed in the position of having to say something.  You are ex military. I'm retired military so you and I both know you can't win a battle fighting from a weak position. Stay strong. Right now you have the high ground. Hold on to it. I do wish you well. 

[preraph]

That seemed a whole lot like a first chapter of a novel. Are you a writer? 

[lolablue17]

I know I couldn't fulfill that advice I gave you because I'm too impulsive and extrovert. 

But to listen to your wife at that point would be listening to "How is she arranging her plans to survive the situation." Yes, its also interesting stuff, but it's technical. When you drop the bomb, she will immediately draw a quick plan, while updating it on the move. The plan might make her say everything from "It happened only one time" to "It is going on for years with many guys," from "I love you I will do anything to fix this" to "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." All these words worth nothing because it will come from 'survival mode motive' decisions. 

Another advice - If you choose to confront her, consider arranging the stuff you expose through a few stages, and every stage reveals only a little more information. For example:
1. I feel something is not going well between us, and I feel something else from you.
2. I have a gut feeling that something is going on around my back. 
3. I know that something is going on. I've noticed some hints. 
4. Someone told me that a guy was visiting you on Tuesday at ____, please be honest with me, who is this guy, and why did he visit you?
Etc... 

What will you gain from that? At list you will know for sure is she decided to come clean-or choosing the trickle truth, according to the information she thinks you have. When a woman decides to come clean, its much better and can even be the first stage to conceal. But everyone here will approve that trickle truth is the worst. It's tough to heal recover from that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, preraph said:

That seemed a whole lot like a first chapter of a novel. Are you a writer? 

I was actually wondering the same thing. 

OP, setting aside the sad circumstances for moment, you have a gift for the written word. 

[notbroken]

I've been divorced for 9 years from a wife that cheated.  She denied it and has never come 'completely clean'.   She was guilty.  I am 100% sure.  You are 100% sure.  I personally was NOT able to overcome this.   It just isn't in me and likely is not in you. 

Knowing what I know now, if someone ever cheats on me again and I find out we are done that day.   Immediately.   I have ZERO tolerance for it.   I strongly suspect you will never get this out of your head and you are done with her.  Pull the band aid off.   Divorce her ASAP and save yourself a lot of anguish and time - which you will have either way but it will be way less if you just divorce and move on the best as possible instead of 'rolling in the pain' longer than necessary.  

Speed is your friend.  Assuming she has any remorse whatsoever she is less likely to fight you in the divorce early in this process.   If you wait, anger will set in on BOTH sides and your divorce will be more difficult.   At the very least, see an attorney ASAP.  I'd do it BEFORE confronting her.   Get her to move if you can.   Throw that couch in the dumpster.   Get new furniture.  Change your environment.   Cut her off financially as fully and quickly as you can.  

Do NOT fight the guy.  Jail isn't worth it.  It is not.  Don't go there.  Don't assault your wife or anyone else as tempting as it may be.   

No matter what - do NOT play the 'pick me' game.   YOU are not to blame no matter what she says.   You didn't make her do that - you just don't control her that much.  She chose to do it.  Remember that.   Normal stopped the second you saw the video.  She is no longer the same wife you had.  She is NOT your friend any more.   Honestly, she is now the enemy.   She may be a friendly enemy - but she is the enemy nonetheless.  As hard as that is to accept it is the truth.   Act accordingly.  

Hard to see now but you WILL get through this and much brighter days are ahead. 

 

[PinDrop]

mincrafter, I want to get this out of the way. I used the term "vendors" because what was I supposed to do? I don't really want a name to be associated with all of this, even on a message board, so they're "vendors". They're actually excellent "vendors", who will save my corp tons of money and have helped architect a solution which is quite ingenious, considering that the field that I'm in is already a little unique. I appreciate them. It's just that at this time, I really want to get my screwed up life squared away, and through no fault of their own, they annoy me. I felt like I needed to just throw everything out here, unfiltered, like I would with a group of friends who cared about me, and let people see what the "real" me is feeling at this moment. I would have had disdain for any responsibility that prevented me from wallowing in my own grey matter. Sorry if I triggered you, and I certainly value your opinions. Who wants to (unintentionally) bite the hand that's feeding them? Not I! 

preraph, nope, not a writer. I'm a doctor / medical researcher. I'm doing my best to be as wordy as possible here, because if people are going to be kind enough to help me through this, I should at least be squared away enough to be as specific as possible as to what I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with. I actually feel as if I'm always teetering on using the wrong words or the right words in the wrong way! I write how I think but not how I speak.

oldlion, I hear you brother. I think that I'd be true to myself if I just told her that I know though. No dramatics. I've seen a whole bunch of nasty crap in my days so far, and I've learned how to let go of people that I love, and love people that I hardly knew, other than glancing towards the tape on their breast. I've always thought that the truth was the way to go. State it and let the chips fall where they may. I don't need evidence. If I feel like letting go, then she doesn't need that evidence either. She was there! It's just... crass to slap that USB on the table and watch her face as she watches it. Too much like shock TV. I don't really want much of an emotional reaction from her. It's messy and counterproductive. Does her reaction even matter? That's another thought. It doesn't if I'm true to myself. I lean towards the belief that I won't ever trust her again. If that's the case, then... no, I don't care about presenting my case to her, only the judge, if that's where this goes. 

Brother, it's like death. I wasn't ever one to cheat someone out of their dying words by lying to them, so I'll let her have her say before I pull the plug on all of this. I don't want her to be all jacked up when I talk to her. At least, that's where I'm leaning. People die, and other than learning to avoid the same mistakes that led to their deaths, or recognizing that it was all the crying shame of bad luck, you learn not to dwell on it. I mean, you could drown yourself with the sorrows, but you accept death, hope in something transcendent, and move on. This all feels like that. 

lolablue17, I am absolutely going to keep your advice at the forefront, but I have to jump that first hurtle first. The first hurtle is that I know what I saw. I cannot rationalize what I saw as being anything but a betrayal. What's beyond that first hurtle? More painful hurtles. So what do I gain by talking right now?  More hurtles. I can't imagine, even if she told the complete truth, the first time through, and was truly remorseful, that I'd get over the betrayal. I guess that I have enough information to decide. I just have to fight myself over the decisions. I can always get the dirty details, if through some profound twist of fate, we end up working on this. Until or unless that happens, why would I subject myself to needless pain? I'd need to subject myself to that pain if I wanted to work on this, but I don't want to work on it. 

 

So I flew in late last night, and I'm near my hometown in a hotel that my PA got for me, that I said that I wouldn't need (at times) because I intended to go straight home from the airport and show up at the house a day early. "Surprise, I'm home honey! This couch looks a little rough!" My PA suggested getting back in, checking in a hotel near my house, and getting some rest. Then, go the next day (today) in the early evening, after getting some things in order, to discuss the situation with my whatever she is. If I was going crazy with paranoia, I could drive by and look, but avoid emotional impulsive actions. 

I didn't drive by. I haven't this morning either. I don't know. I wanted to get as much sleep as possible and do a lot of reading. What would I see if I drove by? What would I do about it? Not good. Fight? Over what? Besides, I have cameras. I've seen nothing out of the ordinary since that stuff though. 

I keep wanting to drive by there, but why? Over and over again? Park out somewhere near by? That's bull. I don't want to. More evidence? It's binary. You're faithful or you're not. I mean, when someone goes to the slammer for robbery, they're a criminal. If they go to prison for multiple armed robberies, they're a criminal. It's not like "Well, you only robbed one person, so you're not really a criminal, unless you're lying to me about robbing anyone else". It's absurd. I saw what I saw. 

So, I'm getting a small recorder. Someone mentioned that in another thread. Then, I'm going home while she should be at spin class... That's a few minutes away. I'll make sure she's gone. I'm taking a buddy with me, and we're removing the firearms and such from my house to an FFL who I just talked to, and is happy to inventory and store them for me. I'll then go back to the hotel until late afternoon, when I'll return home (as expected) and let her know that it's over. I'll make sure to stay in the rooms with cameras, probably meaning the foyer, living room, and kitchen, and I'll record everything. I shouldn't be there for long.

I'm stupid, aren't I? I'll be there forever. I'll try to get out of there as quickly and calmly as possible. Yeah, I've been reading a bunch on this site and others. I hope that my plan is sound. Ha! It's hardly a plan at all. It's a "Man Plan". Go in there, grunt, and leave. 

Realistically, I'm trying to read as much as I can so that I don't get caught off-guard. The objective is to get in there, let her know that it's broken, and get out quick so that if there's any cooling off to do, it's done. We'll figure out the rest after I talk to a shrink and a lawyer. I'll be as truthful as possible, any lack of truth being that of omission, and I hope that we can both see everything in the same light. Does that sound stupid? Unrealistic? 

I seriously neither love or hate her right now. It's really strange. I have my minutes here and there. It's scary, actually. It's like I was in my own little ordered world, thankful for it after the chaos of my previous life, and now chaos is chewing on my ass again. I fall back to putting my feelings into the locker, and planning, planning, planning. That's why it's scary. I can't plan for everything.

All right. Out to get a recorder. 

[PinDrop]

Wow! So many words. Sorry everyone. Usually, I'm quite short. 

[lolablue17]

52 minutes ago, PinDrop said:

I'll try to get out of there as quickly and calmly as possible. Yeah, I've been reading a bunch on this site and others. I hope that my plan is sound. Ha! It's hardly a plan at all. It's a "Man Plan". Go in there, grunt, and leave. 

Great plan! Stick to it. No matter how tempted you'll be to stay. 

This is the exact plan I do when i'm at the casino 😀