My best friend texting my husband [2-year update]

[preraph]

Report her to her supervisor and tell the supervisor she is pestering your husband with text night and day and weekends and it is destroying your marriage and that you no longer want to work around her because of it and he needs to do something about her. What have you got to lose?

[stillafool]

I agree with preraph to try talking to the supervisor.  If she is a friend of yours I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her you feel what she's doing is inappropriate and is causing a rift in your marriage so you want her to stop.  Why haven't you talked to her?

[SummerDreams]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

Report her to her supervisor and tell the supervisor she is pestering your husband with text night and day and weekends and it is destroying your marriage and that you no longer want to work around her because of it and he needs to do something about her. What have you got to lose?

I fully respect you and your opinions, but in this instance I totally disagree; She has to lose her integrity in my opinion. The moment when a wife starts to monitor her husband like she is his mom, trying to prevent him from cheating (while he may want to but hasn't yet) is the moment she loses her integrity. I find it sad when it happens. If a man wants to cheat, let him cheat. You have lost him anyway by him having the will to cheat. What's the point to play it detective and go get rid of the possible other women?

[JTSW]

Personally i don't see anything wrong with informing her superior about her behavior.

This girl is only texting him to be malicious and annoy the OP anyway.

 

[SummerDreams]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Personally i don't see anything wrong with informing her superior about her behavior.

This girl is only texting him to be malicious and annoy the OP anyway.

 

So? Can't she be the one to address the matter with her "friend"? It seems really childish to me. "Hey teacher, Tom stole my pencil! Punish him!". No. We are adults.

Also, the problem is with her husband. If there is not this woman, there will be another. The will (if there is one) he has to cheat will still remain. We can't become superwomen and go out to fight the other women. We need to have a good, trusting relationship with our husband.

[preraph]

46 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I fully respect you and your opinions, but in this instance I totally disagree; She has to lose her integrity in my opinion. The moment when a wife starts to monitor her husband like she is his mom, trying to prevent him from cheating (while he may want to but hasn't yet) is the moment she loses her integrity. I find it sad when it happens. If a man wants to cheat, let him cheat. You have lost him anyway by him having the will to cheat. What's the point to play it detective and go get rid of the possible other women?

Oh I'd do it on the way out the door of the marriage but I'd keep my job. she's in his position right now I'm losing her marriage and her job because of the way she's thinking. She needs to fight and hold on her job and get rid of that situation and then she can divorce her husband if she wants to. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

So? Can't she be the one to address the matter with her "friend"? It seems really childish to me. "Hey teacher, Tom stole my pencil! Punish him!". No. We are adults.

Also, the problem is with her husband. If there is not this woman, there will be another. The will (if there is one) he has to cheat will still remain. We can't become superwomen and go out to fight the other women. We need to have a good, trusting relationship with our husband.

I agree but in this case this woman isn't just another woman she is OP's friend.  This is why OP needs to confront her about this and let her know it's not acceptable to her.

Edited March 17, 2020 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether or not you report this woman, OP, you still have the bigger problem with your husband. 

I hate to say that his reaction to all of this and they way he's been treating you points to much deeper problems in the marriage. If that isn't addressed, then there will be other women just like this one. 

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's palpable even through the computer screen. 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I agree but in this case this woman isn't just another woman she is OP's friend.  This is why OP needs to confront her about this and let her know it's not acceptable to her.

She already has, and neither of them have quit. 

[preraph]

She shouldn't be the one who gets the dirty end of the stick on this.  I'd be taking the gloves off and doing anything I could to preserve my job and breaking that crap up, and then I'd worry about the marriage once I'd secured that for myself because then it would be easier to make decisions. 

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, preraph said:

She already has, and neither of them have quit. 

My goodness the friend is obviously after OP's husband if she's already spoken to her and she won't stop.  This type of lack of respect requires a divorce.  Yeah OP get your job in order and dump both of them.  This is terrible, you poor thing.

[Confused48]

"I'm sure there is no affair." 

So was I. I was 100% absolute sure my partner would NEVER do anything so sordid. Never. I was 100% sure.

Go to the infidelity section and see how many others said that they were sure, right up to DDay. 

I'm not saying there is an affair here. I'm just saying, don't be so sure there isn't. You do not know. 

The fact that you are worried about it is good evidence that, either there is already an affair or there soon will be.  No one finds out about an affair as soon as it happens so if there is an affair, there will be a period of time where it exists and you don't know about it. If it does happen, you may never find out about it. That doesn't mean it didn't happen.  

[Rosieroo17]

Thanks for all the responses.

This has opened my eyes alot to the relationship I am in. My husband is very loving in alot of ways but he also has anger issues and refuses to communicate with me. When i do try he does what I now understand as gaslighting me . He also gets into mood and stops speaking to me for days. He has always been like this . 

I've had to just let go of what happened and get no closure.  He just left me feeling anxious and paranoid about it all.

Lately he has been talking down to me alot, which does happen in the past and if I try and defend myself he just raises his voice. 

I think if I'm honest I've been trying to convince myself we have a good relationship.  

I am now stuck in the house with him due to  what's happening with covid 19 and he has become quite difficult and if something happens he just gets angry which is pretty much what he is like. I feel like I cannot be myself and as if I just have to keep the peace and agree with him . 

It's always been like this . I think I just tried to make this thread just about the subject matter . I'm sorry if I was not honest with everyone who has been so kind to me on here. I didn't want to admit I am probably in an abusive relationship.

😢

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Rosieroo17 said:

He also gets into mood and stops speaking to me for days

This is called stonewalling.
Its one of the four horsemen.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

[preraph]

When he stonewalls you, that's a good time to go off and find something fun to do that doesn't involve him. He just wants to watch you stew about it so don't.

[preraph]

There is something to changing the way you react to things in order to change a pattern of behavior someone keeps doing to you.  For example, my mother, when my sister and I would visit a couple times a year out of state, would always just start being critical and it's a pattern goes back to childhood, and part of the reason she does it is she knows my sister enjoys it, so it's a conspiracy.  So she would just start harping as soon as I walked in the door, worse when she got older and lost her filter.  She wants you to stay there and engage that way, so I just didn't comment at all and went in the other room and told them I was going to take a nap.  In other words, if she wants to lose 3 hours of time with me when I'm only up there for maybe 48 hours twice a year, then no skin off my back.  She did act better later.  

 

 

[IndigoNight]

Have him block her. She is your best friend, not his. 

[Rosieroo17]

Hi all, I’m the original poster of this thread. I came back on as it’s been over two years now since I posted this and two years since I left my husband . It wasn’t just because of the texting stuff as I have posted before the truth was my husband was a toxic abusive man , I just chose to keep trying, ignore it and was stuck and scared . 
I’ve read back over this thread and really all that replied and invested their time in this with me were so supportive , Thank you 

it’s been hard and still remains so at times . 
 

In regards to this woman well it never and still hasn’t gone away. I watched as my husband continued his friendship and texting all the time with my ex friend . She continued even though I had confided in her about his treatment of me , at the times she was like a sister to me and I felt I could tell her however she chose to be his friend and constantly said how he and her were besties and from what I heard from others she felt sorry for him and sees him as a sweet sensitive man! Well she doesn’t know the truth of who he really is. 
 

what lead up to me leaving wasn’t just the emotional neglect and stonewalling and all the nasty stuff he did , there was a incident at work when I returned after maternity where another colleague who didn’t know me as she was employed whilst I was on mat leave asked is my friends was my husbands wife!!!! Because they were always together!!!!! When I confronted my husband well you can guess he went mad and blamed me etc . There was no part of him that cared how that felt for me. A few days later after more anger and several abusive texts from him and being too scared to be around him anymore I pack my stuff and me and my two little boys left the home, 

My husband was furious that I left and has never taken real accountability for any of his actions. He has claimed several times he loved me and wanted me back but he never showed me anything to prove this, I did give him a few chances to begin with. I have continued to receive abuse and anger in some form from him even now. I co parent  with him so I can’t avoid see him. 
 

I am in therapy now and the process of healing is hard and painful. Facing and admitting that I was abused by someone I loved is hard and hurts. I’ve looked back and seen how things were just so wrong but at the time I just papered over it even though deep down I knew it was wrong, he often shouted at me, called me names , put me down and would stone wall me for days .  And nothing was ever communicated, if I tried to talk things through I would be accused of nagging now I know 100% I am no nagging wife lol. 
 

anyway part of the reason I am posting on this thread again is that I’ve reflected a lot on this situation. As I said he still continues his friendship with her. . I watched at work as he often went for a smoke with her, yes there were others there also but sometimes I would see just them . I watched as she and him continued to text, at one point I did watch on WhatsApp a lot and would often see them online together even into the evenings , I don’t do this now as it just didn’t help me . He basically put his friendship with her before me, he never showed me anything about trying to fix things . About three  weeks ago he suddenly said he missed me and has not stopped loving me , I do actually believe that but too much has happened and he doesn’t have the skills or understanding on how to be a decent person , a few days later I was driving to drop the kids to him one Saturday, when she works at the place he works at, and I saw them walking out together , I stoped the car and he stood there not knowing who to go to, his family or keep walking this woman to her car! He choose the latter! So job done 

she actually left the place where we work a few months ago (although still works there Saturdays as I mentioned ) and she told several people how when she told my husband she was leaving he was so upset and had tears in his eyes !!! Well he never cried over me leaving just was angry at me. This spoke volumns to me. I honestly still believe he never physically cheated or even had sexual feelings for her , but he did and has become emotionally close to her and betrayed me in the process . He stopped communication with me and I am pretty sure he confided in her. I feel like he sold me out and didn’t defend our marriage and me his wife just made me look a crazy insecure woman when the truth is he was abusing me at home  , he will never be truthful with her with what was happening . She chose him and not her friend, I had another friend who also did the same , she came to work wat my work also and actually is his supervisor and she said she couldn’t be my friend as she was his boss but I know she is not just his boss , she and  this other woman are his friend now. That is what hurts sometimes the most even more than how he treated me was the loss of friendships from woman who were like my sisters . They have no idea who he really is . 
 

I feel that even though he didn’t have a sexual affair I feel it is an emotional affair ! Could this be right . I feel so betrayed by him, I should of be able to trust him to take care of me and our children . He didn’t , he abused my mental and emotional well-being and my trust and just sold me out. I feel very low and my self esteem is gone . I feel isolated and so very angry . I am in therapy as I say but even after two years since leaving the trauma is still with me 

 

[stillafool]

I'm so glad you've put this marriage and your ex best friend behind you.  No, he does not love you no matter what he says because if he did he would never have chosen your friend time and again over you.  Not to mention the verbal abuse you endured.  I hope that you've found another man who is treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  Yes your husband may be regretful that he no longer has his kids under his roof (which makes him look bad), but thank goodness you and your kids are now under your roof.  I wish you the best.

[Starswillshine]

Hugs! You are a brave and strong woman. I am so sorry that you have been so hurt. You did the right thing, and hopefully soon, you will start to have all that pain lifted and have happiness and light in your life. 

[vla1120]

On 5/29/2022 at 2:39 PM, Rosieroo17 said:

I feel very low and my self esteem is gone . I feel isolated and so very angry . I am in therapy as I say but even after two years since leaving the trauma is still with me 

You are stronger than you realize. Keep going to therapy to work through your self-esteem issues, but also allow your self-esteem to build because of the strength you've shown, doing the best thing for you and your children. You ARE strong and good things lay ahead for you. You'll find new (trustworthy) friends if you put yourself out there. Walk with your head held high. 

[mark clemson]

Wow, thread resurrection. Welcome back...

It sounds like your relationship was pretty toxic. It's not clear whether you are still married and only separated, but regardless it seems like you are probably best off minimizing his place in your life (which it sounds like you are doing).

As to whether this work person counted as an "affair" - a lot of times these EA things are ambiguous. What might bother some people a LOT (e.g. a wife sitting on someone else's lap or dancing with them, etc) isn't a problem to others. So what counts most is how you interpret/feel about it. There was certainly something there - if you consider it an affair, well, then it is one to you - and as the spouse that's what counts the most.

Men tend to be more concerned with the physical aspects, so he may feel he did nothing wrong/off limits if they never did anything physically, regardless of what he might have thought or felt. However, it very much sounds like whatever happened there is (was?) far from the only or probably even the most major problem in your marriage, unfortunately.

Edited June 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[Rosieroo17]

Hi all it’s been almost 4 years now since I left. It’s still hard dealing with him every day  but I’ve no regrets leaving. Moving forward is hard as he doesn’t let me go and is always tells me he loves me still and wants to reconcile it’s taken a lot of work but I’m better at keeping my bounderies . 
 

he still insists nothing happened with “my friend” and he stopped contact which I’ve never quite believed . Today I was dropping the boys off and I arrived he wasn’t home from work yet. He had left his phone there and for some reason I got curious and tuned it on and scrolled the notifications on his front screen and I saw the following email from the very “friend “ I’ve told you about 

I can’t post the email but it said this 

“hi ??? I’ve just got to my mums and my dad has a bad cold. I would loved to have come and spent the day in bed..”

I can’t open the email as the phone asks for the code so I don’t know what the email thread is and what else it says

 

i know after all this time it shouldn’t but it really hurts . I think seeing it finally confirms it all and it still feels a massive betrayal and hurts . 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Rosieroo17 said:

 . Today I was dropping the boys off and I arrived he wasn’t home from work yet. He had left his phone there and for some reason I got curious and tuned it on and scrolled the notifications on his front screen and I saw the following email from the very “friend “ I’ve told you about 

Sorry this is happening. Please focus on your coparenting relationship and yourself and your children. Please avoid any unnecessary communication or drama. 

[stillafool]

On 1/29/2024 at 5:06 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please focus on your coparenting relationship and yourself and your children. Please avoid any unnecessary communication or drama. 

I agree with the above.  You need to distance yourself from him emotionally.  If necessary have someone else hand off (maybe not the right words) the kids to your husband. I think I would tell him what I found on his phone and then tell him to please stop the "I love you" bs because you're never going to believe it.  Then have as little contact as possible with him.  How old are your children?