My best friend texting my husband [2-year update]

[preraph]

When he does does he keep his texts?

[Crazelnut]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He stopped the Whatsapp group, she now texts him personally....

Ooh, trouble! He needs to stop. Now.

[Rosieroo17]

8 hours ago, preraph said:

When he does does he keep his texts?

Yes he doesnt delete things

[Rosieroo17]

3 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Ooh, trouble! He needs to stop. Now.

He said he would tell her to stop. But she thinks she is doing nothing wrong 

[2BGoodAgain]

1) your "friend" has poor boundaries; and if she does know it upsets you, she should stop.. .unless she likes getting between a husband and his wife.

2) your hub shouldn't just show/tell you the texts... he should stop it. unless he thinks his "friendship" with your friend is more important than his relationship with you.

3) that's not being insecure, that's expectation of a healthy relationship. no relationship should be more important than your partner... albeit family, etc.

4) honestly, your first friend's response is that of a friend, who didn't realize the pain this caused you and responded like a friend... your other friend, her response is NOT like a friend.

 

your relationship with your hub is NOT EQUAL with your friend's relationship with your hub.

your relationship with your hub, supercedes her relationship with him.

remember that. Value your worth, and that's the MINIMUM worth of you in his life. If you don't value your worth, other people will not value it either.

 

 

[preraph]

Since he at least seems like he's trying to cooperate with you, why don't you answer her texts to him? When you're together tell him you want to see everything she text you and that you will answer her. And then when she texts him you say, This is Rosie, he's busy, can I give him a message? And I think she will get the message pretty quick.

[ExpatInItaly]

This "friend" is problematic, but so is your husband. She can't be a pest if he doesn't let her. 

I agree she has poor boundaries. I also think your husband has flimsy boundaries, and while I see that he is going to tell her to stop texting him, I am not sure why he's surprised that you're not okay with one-to-one communication if you weren't okay with the group chat. My guess is that she she does have some sort of crush on him, and while he might not be into her all that much, he sure doesn't mind the attention.

I gather you generally trust him, but I would keep an eye on it. I went through something similar years ago, only I was the one randomly receiving messages from my very good friend's husband. Started out as a legitimate question from him about a birthday gift for her, and then he tried to make it something more personal. I clued her in. He tried to tell her it was me reaching out to him, and he was merely responding, but I simply showed her what he'd been sending me and he couldn't deny it. He stopped then and there, but it caused a lot of tension in the marriage because it was really a symptom of deeper problems that apparently had not been addressed. 

So having said that, how is the general state of your marriage? Is your husband usually a trustworthy man?

[Rosieroo17]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This "friend" is problematic, but so is your husband. She can't be a pest if he doesn't let her. 

I agree she has poor boundaries. I also think your husband has flimsy boundaries, and while I see that he is going to tell her to stop texting him, I am not sure why he's surprised that you're not okay with one-to-one communication if you weren't okay with the group chat. My guess is that she she does have some sort of crush on him, and while he might not be into her all that much, he sure doesn't mind the attention.

I gather you generally trust him, but I would keep an eye on it. I went through something similar years ago, only I was the one randomly receiving messages from my very good friend's husband. Started out as a legitimate question from him about a birthday gift for her, and then he tried to make it something more personal. I clued her in. He tried to tell her it was me reaching out to him, and he was merely responding, but I simply showed her what he'd been sending me and he couldn't deny it. He stopped then and there, but it caused a lot of tension in the marriage because it was really a symptom of deeper problems that apparently had not been addressed. 

So having said that, how is the general state of your marriage? Is your husband usually a trustworthy man?

We genuinely get on, we have ups and downs but have done alot of work on it

 

My husband is trustworthy,  he is very attentive to me and has always been very homely and his preferred place is at home with me and the kids.

Thing is he doesnt have many friends and I think she is showing attention and he thinks it's a friendship. His first initially reaction was upset as he felt I didnt trust him. 

My husband without sounding like I'm putting him down is not always the most emotionally intelligent (he has many other good qualities) and has had a very unbounded upbringing so he doesnt always understand stuff

 That does not necessarily excuse him texting , I think he feels she is a friend 

And I dont want to stop him having a friend but me and her were best friends and I feel this is not right and its great they get on at work but this is too much.

[preraph]

I have a bf ex who chose to see everything as "harmless" in his favor as well and loved the validation of any woman who got a crush on him, at work or otherwise, and made excuses for them and acted like he wasn't complicit, but he certainly was for letting it poison so many of his relationships.  I was around him and his now longterm wife a couple of years ago and she told me that the little heifer who used to work with him and me in the 1980s and caused so much chaos and damage in the workplace sucking up to men in power and crapping all over the women by lying and blaming things on them tearfully, was STILL in their lives and he had actually sent her money when she hit a bad patch.  Hell, her life is one big bad patch because she is so destructive at her places of employment.  These guys who hold onto that because they're hungry for validation are at least half to blame.  I told the wife that I'd as soon push that heifer in front of a train than look at her.  She didn't seem to disagree.  

 

And I will tell you, though, that if you can live with yourself being cloying even when you don't mean it, fighting fire with fire is probably the most effective option, but it is nauseating, and I never did it.  If I had done it, I'd have done it, first, to make the other female irrelevant and then I'd have dumped the guy.  

 

I'm sorry, but your man can't have a friend at your expense, and you need to spell this out for him.  He's going to cost you a friendship.  I'd already be done with her.  Tell him, I don't put up with other women poaching my friends, and I'm sure not going to put up with them poaching my man.  Again, you answer her texts until she goes away.

[HappySenior]

On 2/6/2020 at 9:50 AM, Rosieroo17 said:

Im married with 2 children . My husband and I have usual ups and downs but I've always felt secure in his love and we trust each other.  A situation has come up which I'm struggling with and am looking for advice to deal and gain some perspective. First let me say that I know I'm a sensitive and insecure person so I know this situation may sound stupid to some of .

So I have 2 friends who I'm extremely close to we also work at the same place we dont spend alot of time at work together but out of work we do and also have a WhatsApp chat which we often talk to each on in fact everyday. My husband also works there as well and these friends are part of his dept in fact one is his manager. They get on well with him which is great of course. Anyway over xmas these friends have started a WhatsApp group with him and his other colleague. This is not just a work chat this was social group which the friends are sending message everyday etc. Chit chatting away I'm not a controlling wife my husband has his own life and goes out etc just as I do. But this made me really upset and anxious. It not that I think they are doing anything it's just, and I know this sounds really childish , but they were my friends. And there is something uncomfortable about me sitting watching TV with my husband while he is chatting with my friends.I did speak to them and to my husband who was upset as he felt I thought he was up to something which I dont at all. There is a part if me that thinks if we are all meant to be friends dont create a group with my husband and exclude his wife who was ultimately their friend in the first place 

One friend assured me it was nothing and actually saw it was not nice and said she would stop and that my friendship was important and he is really just a work friend and didnt want to cause grief for me. However the other friend one of them does not understand and see she is doing nothing wrong. My husband eventually came off the group as he saw how anxious it was making me however this one friend who saw how upset I was has now just continued to text him on her own. 

I genuinely believe he is not attracted to her or something is going on but I still feel upset and think this woman was pretty much my best friend and yes it's great they got on at work but I think it's not right she is texting my husband like this. It's just random stuff and he has told me what she sends

Also she saw it really upset me and said she cares about me etc so why keep doing it. 

Am I overeating or can anyone see my point. I have lots of friends who are married and I get on well with their other halves but I would be sitting sending them texts all the time .

Some people have poor boundaries, even with their friend's spouses and significant others. When I was married last, we had another couple we were friends with where she had poor boundaries.  It started out okay; her husband asking my husband to help him with stuff - which he did.  Later she started asking my husband to do stuff with her, and she was highly complimentary of everything my husband did for her/them. This while being highly critical of her own husband.

Later in text chats, she started im'ing my husband directly and leaving me out of the conversation. I never liked it and requested from him that he would include me when he answered her texts. I know he did at least sometimes, but sometimes he would "forget".  There was at least one time when I was out of state, where he took her somewhere alone and then to meet up with her husband elsewhere.

The clicker came when they were moving out of state and as they were saying goodbye, she kissed my husband on the lips!  It was in front of her husband, I don't know why he didn't say anything but I felt it was highly inappropriate! My then husband did not object or push her away.  She didn't kiss me even on the cheek, but just a light hug; nor did her husband. It just felt very out of place.  The woman still believes she is my friend on facebook, but very soon I will knock her off my list now that I am divorced and don't need to know what she is up to.

I never could understand why she acted so inappropriately, but I know for a fact she is a bit sex-starved (husband with medical problems) and my ex was a horn dog with poor boundaries - so it wouldn't surprise me if they had a bit of a fling as they did have opportunity. 

Having social conversations with someone else's spouse that the spouse is not a part of is just not appropriate.

[fishlips]

Either your "friend" is after your man, or she is using him to get to his brother. Let's hope it's the latter. Tell her to knock it off, and let your man know you don't appreciate it. It's possible that he doesn't think she's after him, but he needs to understand this bothers you. Maybe he just enjoys the attention. Either way, tell him that he is disrespecting you, and it needs to stop.

[Rosieroo17]

Thank you everyone for you input and advice. 

I spoke to my friend about it and she told me she wasnt texting him anymore. She said it was all innocent and respected me and stop. 

So the problem now lies with my husband.  He has also stopped but he is angry at me for telling him what to do cos I said I was uncomfortable about it all and I got really stressed about it

I genuinely believe it is not cos he has feelings for her. My husband is very introverted and insecure. I try to encourage him to go out with his brothers other friends etc. I'm always supporting him with this. So them befriending him and this group chat etc made him feel he had made some friends and he was part of something. Obviously I feel bad about this and I dont want him to now go back into his shell again l.

However I can't help how I felt about this and why did it have to be with my best friends. Part of me feels selfish and wish I was stronger and more secure in myself I would feel better

 Maybe if they had made a group with all of us in I would of felt better because if we are all  meant to be friends then is that not the best way to do it

 

 

[Timshel]

11 hours ago, Rosieroo17 said:

I spoke to my friend about it and she told me she wasnt texting him anymore. She said it was all innocent and respected me and stop. 

So the problem now lies with my husband.  He has also stopped but he is angry at me for telling him what to do cos I said I was uncomfortable about it all and I got really stressed about it

 

 

 

Rosieroo, all of this ^^ is called gaslighting.  Google gaslighting.  You have a problem, I am sorry to say.

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Rosieroo17 said:

I genuinely believe it is not cos he has feelings for her. My husband is very introverted and insecure. I try to encourage him to go out with his brothers other friends etc. I'm always supporting him with this. So them befriending him and this group chat etc made him feel he had made some friends and he was part of something. Obviously I feel bad about this and I dont want him to now go back into his shell again

Possibly he could join an interest group centered around a hobby if there are some of those in your area. He could also try volunteering two nights a week to "be part of something" and hopefully meet/engage with some folks.

[preraph]

I agree he's gaslighting you. He has no business coming up to your best friend who's a female, and both of them are guilty of it. If I would ever text my best friend's husband, I would first tell her what it's about and ask if it's okay or if she would like to ask him instead. No one needs to be comfortable with their best friend texting their man in private. There's too much at stake and men are too easy to get stirred up and usually take it sexually and want to do it for the validation and because they enjoy thinking some woman is after them. 

 

Men are not usually just buddies with women without thinking about them sexually. It's a high-risk situation. Any contact between those two should be in your presence. Both of them should understand and neither of them need to be acting like this is your problem. Sure it's fine if they want to be friendly with each other when you guys are sitting around the living room all together. And that is it.

 

[Rosieroo17]

Yes maybe he is. I'm not sure how to deal with this 

[Rosieroo17]

I looked up gas lighting and yes I see what you will mean. I think there maybe other stuff to he does this with.

My friend said she stopped texting ages ago but he never told me this. He led me to believe it was carrying on. 

 

[JTSW]

Hi Rosie, 

I agree with someone who said he should block her. 

She was doing it deliberately and a genuine friend would never do that.

I don't think your husband was doing anything maliciously.

[d0nnivain]

The "friendly work" group chat that excluded you was wrong.  You work there too so you should have been included  I have never used what'sapp but I can't imagine it's hard to add somebody.  Your husband should have included you. 

When he got out of the group he should not have started engaging one on one with your friend.  The fact that isn't shutting that down is BS.  If I have a closed exchange 2-4 messages with somebody's SO, fine but beyond that the SOs get included Your husband was wrong for not including you if he insisted on continuing.  For him to ignore you while texting with her was downright insulting. 

She may have started this but your husband's failure to end it is the real problem.  

 

Edited February 14, 2020 by d0nnivain

[preraph]

The only thing I know to tell you going forward is if you get a whiff that anything is still going on after you've made it clear to both of them you don't like it, immediately throw a big fit so they know you are not going to put up with it. 

 

and her saying the texting ended a long time ago and him sing it kept going is just another red flag that one of them is lying and they didn't get their story straight.

 

 

[Rosieroo17]

Just wanted to update and ask for some more advice. 

Things have settled however I'm left in a very paranoid state of mind. It has of I'm honest left resentment and insecurity in my marriage . It's not that I thought there was cheating but the fact my husband just got angry with me over it and couldn't try to understand why I felt the way I did. 

Also i have pretty much lost my friends over it  now and that hurts big time . The friend that stopped straight away was a good friend and we confided in each and I sometimes spoke to her about difficulties in my marriage .

She has now said as she works with him she doesnt want me speaking to her about it as she feels uncomfortable and doesnt want it to affect her working relationship with him. I understand in some ways but also I feel it wouldnt and its is like she is putting him first and protecting that relationship over our friendship which I've been there for her just as much as she has been for me .

Along with other things I think my marriage will not last , I know that sounds extreme but as I said its caused resentment and made me see other things. 

How can I deal with the loss of my friendships, also I am due back to work soon( I work with them all as well) as I'm currently on maternity leave. I think this is why it also hurts I'm home alone with 2 children and feel isolated and my friends are having jolly texting with him .

How can I move forward and feel better again? 

Hope all this makes sense 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Rosieroo17 said:

She has now said as she works with him she doesnt want me speaking to her about it as she feels uncomfortable and doesnt want it to affect her working relationship with him. I understand in some ways but also I feel it wouldnt and its is like she is putting him first and protecting that relationship

How can I deal with the loss of my friendships

She works with the man - she is his supervisor, is she not?  She is not wrong to establish a boundary between work and home - it should have existed all along. Think of it this way, friendship aside, would it be appropriate to share information about your marriage with another of his work colleagues?

I’m sorry you are having a hard time, you sound very isolated and lonely. It’s time to find a new mommy and me class, or a new exercise group for yourself — it’s time to make some new friends. Good luck! 

[preraph]

This is between you and your husband. And I wouldn't care if he's angry with you or not. He needs to understand there are boundaries and so does she. 

[elaine567]

Maternity leave and angry husband reaching out to other women.
One word - sex.
Are you and your husband having good and frequent  sex?

Edited February 26, 2020 by elaine567

[preraph]

The fact that he's putting you under all this stress and she is too while you're pregnant is really heinous. You stand your ground on this. Making me feel insecure at a time when you need him most. And that woman, I'm sorry, she's trash.