LinThizzy85 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 My son’s mother informed me she is planning on moving an hour or more away from her current residence. As of right now, I live about ten minutes away from her and it’s made for a really great and smooth custody arrangement. Nothing is on paper, we’ve never been to court, just been trying to work together and up until hearing this news, it’s typically worked out good for all involved. I see my son on weekends, and during the school week I pick him up from school a few days a week and have him over at my place until bed time. Problem is, this extra hour tacked on to the commute is going to essentially kill off my ability to see my son as much. There’s no way I can get to his new school, wherever that may end up being, to pick him up during the week. Even if I could do it, where are we supposed to go after I pick him up? This doesn’t even factor in the fact that my son’s mother hates driving, even when I lived 40 minutes away I couldn’t get her to even meet me halfway. I don’t know what I’m asking really. For now, I’m just venting I guess. I can add more info if it helps in giving me advice. I just don’t know what to do right now. If this move ends up happening, i fear my time with my son is going to be affected negatively. I just can’t believe she’s considering this, as she has to realize how this will affect our son. Again, I can add more info, for now I am just completely drained and can’t sleep at all. Just a total mess this will be...ughh Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 See an attorney. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Look up your state name if you are in the US and shared custody distance and find out what is allowed. Then you are going to have to go to court. You must not give her permission and then decide to go to court. Get an attorney and stop this. Now, maybe an hour away is within your state's periphery. But when someone moves, even if it is legal, the Court needs to decide who does most of the running and since she moved, she needs to. Don't let this slide. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 Why is she moving? Did she get a new job? This sucks for you and your son . Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 Why is she moving? Did she get a new job? This sucks for you and your son . Her husband has a child from a previous relationship, and the area they want to move is where that child’s mother lives. Even though she rattled off a handful of reasons for wanting to move (her husband wants a new job, my son wants a house(?), and some other meaningless stuff) I’m pretty dang sure it all boils down to this: her husband is tired of driving super far to get his kid. What they both don’t seem to be thinking about is them moving puts me and my son in the exact same position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 Look up your state name if you are in the US and shared custody distance and find out what is allowed. Then you are going to have to go to court. You must not give her permission and then decide to go to court. Get an attorney and stop this. Now, maybe an hour away is within your state's periphery. But when someone moves, even if it is legal, the Court needs to decide who does most of the running and since she moved, she needs to. Don't let this slide. She says if it happens, it won’t be until the end of the school year. When she dropped the news on me, then asked if I would want to move there, too, I was in shock. First thing that came out of my mouth was “what choice would I even have?” But after it all sunk in, I told her I wasn’t thrilled about it one bit. And I’m worried about my relationship with my son. She basically just said “we’ll work things out so it’s all still equal.” For what that’s worth... Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Maybe you should offer to have day to day custody so he stays in the same school and she can pick him up on the weekends? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Sounds like you guys were not married and therefore she has sole custody. I don’t think there’s much you can do, unless a court decides otherwise. If you were married, there must be a divorce decree with a custody agreement, which in the U.S. will typically not allow the residential parent to move that far away. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 It's an HOUR. It's not insurmountable even if inconvenient. If you are hellbent on making her stay, get a lawyer & go to court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 It's an HOUR. It's not insurmountable even if inconvenient. If you are hellbent on making her stay, get a lawyer & go to court. I’m not hellbent on anything other than seeing my son. And I know, it’s not out of state or anything. So yeah, it could be worse, I know. Still, an hour is enough time and distance away that it would disrupt our current routine that’s been working so well. Right now I’m just kind of frozen in place. Nothing’s happened yet. I just have a lot on my mind, so thank you all for giving me this place to unload some of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Right now I’m just kind of frozen in place. I get that change is scary, but agree with d0nnivain you're over-thinking this. My ex only lived across town, but big-city rush hour traffic made it a 50-60 minute drive daily. You do what you have to do. Nothing is on paper, we’ve never been to court, just been trying to work together You can either address this proactively now or be forced in to court down the road. You couldn't agree on enough things to stay together, so seems unrealistic to assume a cooperative process apart. The move is now an hour away, it could be a state away next time. Know your rights... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Snow_Queen Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Without a court order, there is absolutely nothing you can do legally. It’s extremely important for a variety of reasons. Also, I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion, but sometimes a move is done to benefit the child. This is especially true if you were living in an area where schools or neighborhoods were not the best. Not saying this is the case but I’ve been in that spot. I presented the facts needed to show the move was in her best interest because my daughter’s dad felt the commute wasn't convenient for him (but also wasn’t willing to be more flexible or accept any accommodations on my end to make things easier). In the end, a parent absolutely can move anywhere you want in the U.As long as there’s no specific verbiage in the custody agreement regarding distance and you provide adequate notice (which is usually stated in the agreement). Unfortunately, without a court document, your hands are tied. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 OK... you are divorced, and she has re-married. She is going to be who she is. But you need to think about what you want. Since she is moving... and unless there are other legal factors with you (drugs, crime, so on)... this puts you in the driver's seat for one simple reason... she can't move his school unless you both agree. What was said above is correct... without a legal document... nothing matters. So, this IS going to need to be legal now. 1) Ask yourself what you want: Do you, or can you have your son full time? (or almost full time) What I'm asking here is... would it be a financial burden to pay for after school care... assuming you have a "9 to 5" kind of job. OR... do you even want that kind of responsibility full time? If you can, and do want that... you have it almost won since you will keep him in his school, with his friends. 2) Prepare for battle: Your ex isn't going to like it if you put your foot down. So, it's going to take a lawyer. 3) Even if you don't want to be full time, you still want time with your kid, so make it known that SHE WILL be doing the bulk of the transporting... or at least meet half way. You will still need a lawyer for this. 4) Can't make up your mind: Ask your kid what he wants. (if he's old enough to understand) Even if he says that he wants to go with mom... and it's not what you wanted to hear... it's better to have a happy kid, and no legal fees, that to put a kid though a battle. On point #4... that's where I'm at. My ex was cruel, and made a boat load of assumptions... and we came up with a Week-on, Week-off custody... but my 13yo wants nothing to do with her mother. We are now fighting a battle, and no kid should have to bear the burden of this. If her mother would simply accept that she wants to be with me, and would let her have some time... things would eventually get better. But my ex is simply in the mode where she needs to win. I'm not sure why, because I've already stated to the lawyers, I don't want child support from the ex, even if my 13yo is with me the majority of the time. Good luck, and I'm sorry for what is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 An hour drive is nothing in my area in the Northeast U.S., but I get that it will not be as convenient as it is now. I also understand her husband wanting to be closer to his kid. Not that you have any say in where they move as a married couple, but has she thought of moving 30 minutes away? Then your son and his son are basically the same distance from their fathers, making the inconvenience ratio more fair for everyone. It's good that you've gone this long without having to get lawyers involved. Keeping it cordial is best for everyone, but there is nothing wrong with consulting a lawyer to make sure your parental rights are protected (especially since she could pick up and move anywhere she wants, with no agreement in place.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 How old is your child? Where does he want to live? I was the one who wanted to move away for better job opportunity. Our daughter was 13 at the time. We had divorced a year before. I was moving 4 hours away. At first our daughter came with me. I made sure he could get her as many weekends he wanted, summer vacations, holidays etc. It lasted 1 year and our daughter hated the big city and asked if she could go live with her father, she was 14. It killed me inside but I let her go. We kept the same arrangement. We both drove halfway on Friday night, switch her form car to car, did the same on Sundays. She spent weekends, summers with me, holidays, etc etc. It lasted 2 years then he moved to my city and she came to live with me again. My daughter and I have a very close relationship, these 2 years she lived with her dad 4 hours away did not break out bond. It changed our routine yes, but it's just that a routine. You have to keep in mind what your child prefers and that goes above what you want. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 she can't move his school unless you both agree. Is this true? If they don't have a court order, I thought the custodial parent could do anything including move & if the other parent wanted to stop this, the other parent had to take the issue to a court. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 Is this true? If they don't have a court order, I thought the custodial parent could do anything including move & if the other parent wanted to stop this, the other parent had to take the issue to a court. Not really. It’s usually shared custody in the U.S., with a residential parent and a non-residential parent; residential usually determining the school district. So it’s especially difficult for the residential parent to move, because all the family court cares about is to not disrupt a child that is settled in a community, neighborhood, school district. That’s why I believe that they were not married. Then the mother is usually in charge of everything. With the father having hardly any to zero rights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Share Posted November 16, 2019 How old is your child? Where does he want to live?. . Depending on how it’s being presented, my son would likely be cool living anywhere. All my ex tells him is they are getting a house, so that’s all he focuses on. He is excited to live in a house. So naturally he tells her what SHE wants to hear. She doesn’t tell him how this will impact seeing me, his father. Or how much time he will be spending riding in a car to get to my place. How he might not see me as much during the school week, or whatever. If she told him any of THAT, he would say he wants to stay where he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 my son would likely be cool living anywhere. OP, were you married to his mother? Are you on the birth certificate? Have you paid her support? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 16, 2019 Share Posted November 16, 2019 How old is your son? It's a good thing for a child to live in a house with a yard. It's more space, more personal space for him, more space to bring friends over, maybe an opportunity for him to get pets, more space to move and maybe have a basketball hoop in the yard, play hockey in the street etc. You have to put aside YOUR displease and think of the benefits this could bring your son. It's just 1 hour away, you'll see him as much as you wish on weekends, long weekends, school breaks etc. I drive 1 hour every morning to get to work and 1 hour back, it's not a big deal. You need to de-dramatize the situation. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Share Posted November 16, 2019 How old is your son? It's a good thing for a child to live in a house with a yard. It's more space, more personal space for him, more space to bring friends over, maybe an opportunity for him to get pets, more space to move and maybe have a basketball hoop in the yard, play hockey in the street etc. You have to put aside YOUR displease and think of the benefits this could bring your son. It's just 1 hour away, you'll see him as much as you wish on weekends, long weekends, school breaks etc. I drive 1 hour every morning to get to work and 1 hour back, it's not a big deal. You need to de-dramatize the situation. . I understand a house would bring about certain luxuries an apartment can’t for a child, and believe me, I am thinking about my son here. I don’t think I’m being dramatic about it. I know it’s not the end of the world. But.. My son already tells me, at least a few times a month, how he doesn’t want to leave my place, how he wants to stay over another night, how he misses me. As it stands now, I only see him every other weekend, and a select few days during the week, for about 4 hours on those days. An hour difference will impact our already limited amount of time together, so the benefits a house would offer to my son, in my opinion, wouldn’t compare to the amount of special time he has with me. Besides, he’s going to be an extra hour away from his extended family, who already live an hour away. So seeing his cousins, my brother and sister, and his grandparents, for example, will also be impacted. Call me crazy or whatever, but I don’t think a house is worth losing time with family. Especially when there’s plenty of houses in our current neighborhood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Share Posted November 16, 2019 How old is your son? It's a good thing for a child to live in a house with a yard. It's more space, more personal space for him, more space to bring friends over, maybe an opportunity for him to get pets, more space to move and maybe have a basketball hoop in the yard, play hockey in the street etc. You have to put aside YOUR displease and think of the benefits this could bring your son. It's just 1 hour away, you'll see him as much as you wish on weekends, long weekends, school breaks etc. I drive 1 hour every morning to get to work and 1 hour back, it's not a big deal. You need to de-dramatize the situation. . I meant to add, my son is 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Share Posted November 16, 2019 OP, were you married to his mother? Are you on the birth certificate? Have you paid her support? Mr. Lucky Never married. I am on the birth certificate, and yes, I’ve been paying support since birth. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2019 Share Posted November 17, 2019 Why not move half-way there, so it’s only a 30-minute trip for you - and your son - either way? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author LinThizzy85 Posted November 17, 2019 Author Share Posted November 17, 2019 Why not move half-way there, so itÂ’s only a 30-minute trip for you - and your son - either way? Mr. Lucky IÂ’m going to propose that idea to them, but IÂ’m doubtful they will be into it. And if that ends up being the case, I just might have to do that myself. Thanks to everyone whoÂ’s replied, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
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