d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 So im assuming then that if he was planning purely for the children he wouldve agreed to seperate rooms when she asked? Even though it would cost extra? If he was planning purely for the children separate hotels would have been in order meaning he took his children on vacation by himself & she did anything else somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 So its not just the sharing a room, its the whole going away in general? The spending the time together like they do? And he couldnt just have been worried she would stop him seeing them or anything like that? So everything that i have said all leads back to one thing... that hes still in love with her? Again, ive ended things so it doesnt make any difference anymore, im just curious to know as ive clearly been so blinded and confused that i havent seen alot of the warning signs til now. I dont want to get myself in that kind of position again Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Here are the flags I saw that you didn't. 1. they hadn't been apart long enough when you officially got together. 2. he was fliting with you -- basically cheating -- while he was still with her 3. he abandoned his children because he wasn't mature enough to power through the tough times 4. He's too immature to accept his adult responsibilities -- he doesn't understand that adulthood & parenthood require sacrifice 5. he told you what you wanted to hear 6. he was too close to his family 7. there was no space for reflection between you & her; you were a rebound 8. he was still trying to be with her, to present as a perfect little family on this vacation 9. she was always more important then you 10 he makes poor financial choices. You said he had to come to work to use the wifi to call somebody because he ran out of minutes on his phone; but he was still making plans for this expensive vacation I'm sure other posters will point out things I missed but you ignored all of it. I won't say you missed it because I got those tidbits from your posts. You just refused to see those facts as the warning signs they were 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) I got the impression that any kinds of trips away and things she covered most of the cost. And i didnt realise until ive been on here that he was too close to them and that she was more important to him. I thought he was moving on. They had a brief period of no contact, although i do believe he was the first to break after just a week to ask how she and the children were but i just assumed he was just being polite and wanted to know about the children. He got a little frustrated over it because she took about a week to reply. They have only seen eachother once since they split. Hes off work the tomorrow though so could well be seeing her then. And its only really in the last couple of days that that have been messaging eachother And why would him being unable to say no to her so something like that mean that she's more important than anything else? Maybe he just feels uncomfortable saying no incase they for into an argument or something? Edited October 9, 2019 by Lucyjane86 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 And i didnt realise until ive been on here that he was too close to them and that she was more important to him. I thought he was moving on. Yes, you did. You wouldn't have made this very thread if you didn't realize something was off. Stay single for a while and learn to identify your own boundaries. Learn how to say no to men like this. Unfortunately, these types will see immediately how easily manipulated you are and they will take full advantage of your oblivious and inexperienced nature. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Yes, you did. You wouldn't have made this very thread if you didn't realize something was off. I had started to think something might have been off yes, but until actually coming on here i had no idea how much. I still dont get why him feeling uncomfortable saying no to her would mean that she was more important than anything else? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I got the impression that any kinds of trips away and things she covered most of the cost. And i didnt realise until ive been on here that he was too close to them and that she was more important to him. I thought he was moving on. They had a brief period of no contact, although i do believe he was the first to break. And why would him being unable to say no to her so something like that mean that she's more important than anything else? Maybe he just feels uncomfortable saying no incase they for into an argument or something? You thought his fiancée would cover the cost of trips away? Because he can’t provide for his own children? Isn’t THAT enough for you to want nothing to do with him??? You didn’t realise that he was “too close to THEM”? You do realise that these people are not just obstacles in the way of you and him being happily ever after?? THEY are actually the mother of his young children and his children for goodness sake!? Despite his relationship with his children’s mother , they love him and he loves them!!! You can’t be so naive to think that he would turn down a holiday with his kids ?? He didn’t say no because he was uncomfortable. He said yes because he wanted to. The biggest red flag to me is how much time you spent with him in 2 weeks!! If someone even a workmate is genuinely interested in getting to know you and pursue a relationship with you , they will DATE you. He didn’t. I’m baffled as to why you hooked up with someone whose words did not match their actions!? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 You didn’t realise that he was “too close to THEM”? You do realise that these people are not just obstacles in the way of you and him being happily ever after?? THEY are actually the mother of his young children and his children for goodness sake!? Despite his relationship with his children’s mother , they love him and he loves them!!! You can’t be so naive to think that he would turn down a holiday with his kids ?? He didn’t say no because he was uncomfortable. He said yes because he wanted to. The biggest red flag to me is how much time you spent with him in 2 weeks!! If someone even a workmate is genuinely interested in getting to know you and pursue a relationship with you , they will DATE you. He didn’t. I’m baffled as to why you hooked up with someone whose words did not match their actions!? Obviously i expected the children to be in his life. I just never expected her to have such an active part too. I thought people just saw their ex when picking up and dropping off the children and only spoke to arrange visits and in emergencies. And so you think he would go away with them purely for the children and it doesnt mean anything for him and her? And i thought that in the beginning of a relationship it was normal to spend so much time together Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I just never expected her to have such an active part too. I thought people just saw their ex when picking up and dropping off the children and only spoke to arrange visits and in emergencies. And so you think he would go away with them purely for the children and it doesnt mean anything for him and her? And i thought that in the beginning of a relationship it was normal to spend so much time together Firstly, most people who are broken up but have children do only see their ex when they pick up the kids and drop them off. The difference here is that he was spending time with her too, which he shouldn't really be doing if they aren't together, but he'd doing it because he wants to. Secondly, going away with them isn't just purely for the children. If it was, he would take them away without her. Thirdly, you spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks straight, that's extremely excessive. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Obviously i expected the children to be in his life. I just never expected her to have such an active part too. I thought people just saw their ex when picking up and dropping off the children and only spoke to arrange visits and in emergencies. And so you think he would go away with them purely for the children and it doesnt mean anything for him and her? And i thought that in the beginning of a relationship it was normal to spend so much time together Once custody agreement is settled via courts if needs be or mutual agreement outside of court , then yes contact is minimised. That contact then increases or decreases depending on what’s best for the welfare of the children. I can’t speak for him as to whether his interest in going away included her. You don’t know , I don’t know , no one knows. Except him. But you can’t rely on his word given the lies he has already told. In the beginning of a relationship , yes people tend to spend more time with one another , but that is generally AFTER dating, at least a few months and when both decide to progress from dating , to exclusively dating , to mutually wanting to pursue a relationship. You haven’t even dated him!? Just hooked up according to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 We never really went anywhere properly no. The first time we were going to really do anything was monday, we had arranged a double date with friends from work but his ex was texting him so he cancelled it to go up to our work to use the wifi to speak to her. Thier youngest had hit her head. But they then continued to message all day making plans for places to take the children and about going away until i wanted to leave so we left Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 You seem to approach dating on a very superficial level. He likes me I like him everything is fine... Many people do, you are not alone. BUT red flags are important, because if you ignore them early on, you have to live with them later as once you get emotionally involved, it may be then very difficult to just up and leave. You seem to be pretty laid back about the fact this guy left his long term gf/fiance with two infants, as if it was normal and the two of you would carry on as if his ex and his children did not exist. He will have his ex and kids in his life forever as that is how parenting works. If you get jealous over exes, then stay away from guys who are fathers. Also guys who are cheating on their gf/wife will tell you anything to get what they want, so best to take anything they say with a big pinch of salt. Many guys will tell you they love you as that is what they think you want to hear and not because they actually love you. Also NEVER get involved with anyone who has just split up from their ex, who hangs about with their ex, who talks about their ex a lot, who still loves or hates their ex... they are bad news and it will be you that gets hurt. As a single person it is best you do not get involved with guys with kids. You will end up second best to the kids and the ex, and your kids may never be as good as the first born... Find a nice uncomplicated single guy, who wants YOU and you alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Also NEVER get involved with anyone who has just split up from their ex, who hangs about with their ex, who talks about their ex a lot, who still loves or hates their ex... they are bad news and it will be you that gets hurt. As a single person it is best you do not get involved with guys with kids. You will end up second best to the kids and the ex, and your kids may never be as good as the first born... Find a nice uncomplicated single guy, who wants YOU and you alone. So if i was to ever find myself with a single father at any point in the future, its not acceptable for him to be spending time with his ex even just because of the children? They shouldnt be having days taking the children out together? This was what i originally thought but kept getting told it was ok for them to be doing that Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 So if i was to ever find myself with a single father at any point in the future... As a single father of very young children, he HAS to spend time with his children, but as a single person, you do not FIND yourself with a single father. That is your choice to make and if you make it you have to put up with his ex and his kids. Many single women will not date single fathers as they know they do not want to deal with an ever present ex, and another woman's kids... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Out of curiosity, what was his reaction when you ended it with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 As a single father of very young children, he HAS to spend time with his children/QUOTE] With his children yes, but that doesnt mean he has to spend time with her though? Like taking them out together and things like that? And he didnt really say alot as we were at work Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I honestly doubt you have split up with him. If he is spending time with his ex and the children, he WANTS to spend time with his "ex". The kids are very young, they maybe do not want to spend any time away from their mother. In order to avoid sobbing and screaming matches, she maybe has to be there. Maybe he feels out of his depth with two very young children. Maybe he is trying to get her back... who knows? There is no "right" way of co parenting. Some separated/divorced fathers leave and never look back, some separated/divorced fathers live in the same house until the kids are grown... Most people find a way of parenting that suits all parties. You as the "new gf" have no say in this. You put up and shut up or you leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 We never really went anywhere properly no. The first time we were going to really do anything was monday, we had arranged a double date with friends from work but his ex was texting him so he cancelled it to go up to our work to use the wifi to speak to her. Thier youngest had hit her head. But they then continued to message all day making plans for places to take the children and about going away until i wanted to leave so we left So the first time you were ever going to do anything except hook up was to hang out with friends from work. So essentially the first time you were both free to go out he chose to hang out with workmates including you? So you agree he has never made an effort to date you ? Why would you accept that? He cancelled a hook up with you because his kid bumped her head!? Kids bump their head all the time!!! And unless it was a serious bump and the mother was in emergency dept at hospital in which case he should attend then no there is no reason why he should cancel your “date” He paid attention to his fiancée and mother of his children because that matters more than a 2 week fling who will be there tomorrow regardless. Right? I mean afterall you hooked up with him everyday for 2 weeks , knowing his history. He isn’t the guy you want him to be. And it’s quite concerning that you want him to erase her from social media. He may or may not be the biggest a hole. But who cares? Why are YOU entertaining someone that does not want to date you, happy to lie to you, have sex with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 We had done a few things like go into town, have drinks at work and he came to my cousins fundraiser with me. But nothing that screamed date. And she had taken the child to rhe hospital but he didnt go because they were arguing at first and she said she didnt want him there Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 We had done a few things like go into town, have drinks at work and he came to my cousins fundraiser with me. But nothing that screamed date. And she had taken the child to rhe hospital but he didnt go because they were arguing at first and she said she didnt want him there So you just did workmate things but never dated. Just got physical? Why? Because you clearly want more than that? He did not go the hospital for his child because she didn’t want him to go?? That’s ridiculous!!! Unless she had an AVO out on him preventing him from going he would be there!! If he cared!!! Whatever way you look at it, this guy is a loser. What are you now looking to get from this thread now that you are rid of him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Yeah i guess it was kind of just workmate stuff. He doesnt spend much time with his other work mates away frlm work though. And insight into all the red flags i missed at the beginning so as not to get into a situation like that again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Hes turned up at our work. I could hear him talking to a mate about how he had been with them all today and that she pretty much acts as though they are still together so he has to go cold on here sometimes and that he had told her he had been called in to work and had to leave. Hes now sat drinking trying to talk to me. Im not taking him back regardless but perhaps he doesnt actually want her back? Or would the fact that they get along well enough in the first place for her to be able to act as though they are still together still be enough to say he probably does? I heard him talking about plans to take the children to his mums the day after one of thems 1st birthday together too. Im assuming that wouldnt be normal either? And theyre taking them out on together on the day of the birthday aswell Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 she pretty much acts as though they are still together so he has to go cold on here Im not taking him back regardless but perhaps he doesnt actually want her back? Pay attention to where he places his head at the end of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) That was meant to say cold on her. He also told our mate that she had mentioned coming up here to our work when they were deciding where to go for lunch but that said he didnt really feel like coming up here on his day off. I assume cos im working. And what do you mean? And not that it makes much difference now but we didnt have sex everytime i stayed cos a few nights that i stayed i was on my period Edited October 10, 2019 by Lucyjane86 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 So if i was to ever find myself with a single father at any point in the future, its not acceptable for him to be spending time with his ex even just because of the children? They shouldnt be having days taking the children out together? This was what i originally thought but kept getting told it was ok for them to be doing that If the child has an event -- a game, a recital, a graduation, something for the parents to attend good parents will find a way to spend time on the same field or in the same auditorium but it's a huge red flag for them to attend together or sit next to each other. They may speak about the kids well being but that should be the bulk of their conversations. The guy you were involved with was still connected to his baby mama. The people who told you that what he was doing was normal or fine were wrong. They are still together. His denial is part of what makes him a bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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