Author Gurl Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry this happened and you’re hurting. I highly doubt it’s anything you did or that he wasn’t attracted to you... Well one thing I did notice, he never really complimented me or said he likes me or gave any clue how he feels about me. It was always very basic things like he enjoys my company. He never mentioned looks so maybe he wasn’t attracted to me? Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) @Gurl... I mean...I guess...maybe?? But why go out with someone you aren’t attracted to? That’s still his issue. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) ...What was the rush in sleeping together? I think this is a question of knowing what one has to offer....The problem when / if one does not know themselves is that you become a placement holder, and another that tickles the fancy of the active ego easily replaces you. Um.. we had been seeing each other for 2 months and had been on 8 dates. I think that was the right time to sleep together? He wasn’t using me for sex. He always took me on proper dates even after sleeping together and once or twice would go on dates where no sex could happen. I liked him and I thought he did Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 He was attracted enough to go out with you for 8 dates. And it wasn’t just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 I mean...I guess...maybe?? But why go out with someone you aren’t attracted to? That’s still his issue. Well We did meet online so maybe after we met the first time he wasn’t attracted to me? Although we did have 8 more dates after that so I don’t know.. maybe I’m just feeling insecure about it Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 But yeah....”I enjoy your company” should maybe be a warning sign that he isn’t that into you. Not that I think guys should be showering you with compliments, but that is lukewarm at best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 He was attracted enough to go out with you for 8 dates. And it wasn’t just sex. Yeah, he actually treated me really well, that’s why I’m so disappointed. It wasn’t just sex, we did lots of things together Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Yeah. It sucks. And I’m sorry. But I really don’t think it’s your fault. You two just weren’t quite right for each other. And I don’t know why he behaved the way he did. But it happened so.... you just have to move on. And from the description you gave, it doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with any sort of deficiencies on your part. Maybe on his side you guys just didn’t click for the long term for whatever reason. But I get that you’re hurt. But try not to take it personally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 It sounds like a situation I once had, except she wasn't so civil. But I strongly suspect that, as smackie as already said, he met someone else or an ex popped back into his life, but it can be any number of things. You could have been a rebound or he may actually be afraid of commitment. You'll never know why, and it's easier said than done, but do try to not worry about it. I did years ago and it didn't get me anywhere. Heartbreak is an unfortunate part of life, and it hurts now, but it won't forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) @The Outlaw... Hmm I’m not sure what happened. Maybe he did meet someone, just surprised it would make him just forget about me just like that, guess he was never really into me. He hasn’t deleted me from any social media, so far no sign of anyone else but I guess I’ll find out soon if it was. I don’t think I was a rebound hes been single for 2 years Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) @Gurl... People can change their minds on a dime with no regard to the person they're seeing. There's the tease of a relationship and then there isn't anything. It sucks, but it happens. But I think you dodged a bullet in the end. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Melrose78 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Gurl, you're over analysis all of this. You will never find the answer you're looking for. Be happy you didn't spend years with him for him to end it. Move on. Do what makes you happy. Take time with your heart! Get to know someone before you take the next step. And stop asking what have you done wrong! You need to work on your self-esteem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Agree with above completely. None of us here can know exactly why he ended it-we can only guess based on our own experiences and what you've told us. Only he knows for sure! What he told you about it not moving onto a relationship is probably true, though. While I appreciate how it happened so suddenly for you, speculating any further will only drive you nuts! And most certainly won't bring him back.... One thing though-you mentioned you had 8 dates in all. How often did you see each other? How old are you both? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 It is very sudden, especially if he was talking about what you would do when together next. An ex could have materialised or he just met someone new who he suddenly felt attracted to. Another possibility is that he has a pattern of this kind of behaviour - being all in and then suddenly losing interest. It would be interesting to see what his exs say! I'm sorry this has happened. He enjoyed your company enough to spend 8 dates with you. He wouldn't have bothered unless he was enjoying himself. He may well come back after a few weeks of not being in touch with you (I hope you don't contact him because he should have to experience missing you). Be very wary about taking up with him again - if he comes back, either turn him down or let him work very hard to win you back. He should not find it easy to get time with you via text or in person. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 More than likely a girl he wanted before he started dating you finally came around for him and he decided to break it off with you to be with her. I doubt he met someone else while he was dating you but probably before. Men rarely give up sex before securing more. Again, he enjoyed the time he spent with you or he wouldn't have continued dating you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 This really sucks! You won't ever find out what happened, just be glad he did that early on. I just chalk up the behavior to not being all that mature or them using people. He may try to pull you back in, then act cold again. He doesn't deserve your time. Do not take him back at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Sorry you are feeling heartbroken and sad. I think you are getting a little hung up on logical, straightforward linear logistics and timing. I agree and was waiting for someone to say it as has just been said above ^^^^ , i.e. if it is someone else that has his interest and that's why he broke it off, he probably had something with them BEFORE you or simultaneous to you. It could have been an ex or just as likely some other girl who he met as same time or just before he met you. Also while your dating with him might have progressed in a linear fashion, perhaps theirs was more intermittent or jumps and starts--maybe to her schedule or whatever her reluctance or personal situation was. I usually don't say this (because it is a conclusion jumped to far too easily and often) but i think it's a high probability of what the reason is. Secondly, idk, people/friends tell me all their dating and romantic stuff so while it might not be usual for you to date two people and give off no clues, others do it, even people you wouldn't suspect would. Also you mention the week and half where he acted as if things were normal but in reality he was decided and thinking about it. This is how some people do process their relationship decisions and it make sense in his case too as you weren't exclusive or bf/gf so he might not wanted to approach the issue with you until he made his decision since he may not have wanted to presume more than you guys were in it and probably since he's a guy (many who tend to want to avoid confrontation), thought if he "did nothing" then maybe you would fade away or ask the difficult question which he could then just answer. I think it's important to realize for future crushes and relationships, is that people don't all process their thoughts and act upon them in the same way. I know on one hand you are questioning you relative to him, like your worth as a potential gf to him but you are also inherently questioning "IF THIS, then why THIS". So for that you need you not only use your filter of how, when, why you go about things but also factor in the real fact that not everyone would do what you do, nor do things sometimes unfold logically. Especially a lot of relationship stuff is illogical at best. you mentioned i think seeing him 8 times in two months. I think unless you live far enough that this timing is normal than it's very possible that he was dating someone else during that time as well or was slowing the pace down for his comfort level, i.e. emotionally unavailable and pondering. He could have also wanted to give you guys as much of a chance as possible before deciding there is not enough there. I find it coincidental (which i don't believe in those really so i'm being somewhat sarcastic) that he took himself off the dating apps during the time you were dating. My friends that do that, do it because: a) the 2-3 people they are dating are enough to handle b) something takes off with the one they really want who may or may not be from that app or some other part of their life or their past c) they are burnt out and discouraged/not finding what they want. So maybe (unfortunately) he was not finding what he wanted and took needed a break. I think he wouldn't have given you back burner timing (just 8 dates in two months) but missed out on expressing himself to you, securing exclusivity, that kind of stuff--unless he didn't WANT that or didn't want it with you (sorry! just saying this because it seems like you are looking for an analysis and some reasons or thought process). I do think the fact that was mentioned on this thread that he is "doesn't want to rush into" a relationship and (great description of how being emotionally unavailable feels and sets in apprehension to the person who wrote it btw!!!) is important to factor in and could be the ENTIRE reason. So if this, which i think is also highly plausible, is his situation, it's probably feeling good with you etc that is causing him to run away. The feelings and thoughts in his head are at odds--nothing to do with you if this is the case, well only the good things about you. Also you mention that he is really active on social media. So, to me, this is how a guy acts who wants to play the field or enjoying his single life. Sometimes you can be the right person at the wrong time for someone. It happens all the time. Ok hang in there. Find ways to stop ruminating and try to create a plan for how you will spend your free and fun time and then do it Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 I don't think it has to be someone else. I have often left men without there being anybody else, there just wasn't enough chemistry for me to continue. People can actually prefer to be single rather than with the wrong person. Also there is nothing strange about him acting normal for a week and a half. Some people do that for months while they are still deciding. The reason they do this is that they are not ready to answer any questions. Also, you ask if he was attracted to you. Mildly, probably. For men, physical attraction trumps all so you can bet that he wouldn't leave 2 months in if he was crazy attracted to you. Men actually make excuses for some pretty awful behaviour for women they find smoking hot. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 You went online dating while getting over a break up. This is very common. A lot of people go online for instant attention from the opposite sex after the pain of break up. If he really hasn't been in a relationship in 2 years and he's been disappointed with OLD, probably it's becaus he has met too many women still getting over a break up. You may not be as emotionally available as you think. It takes a while to get over a relationship. When you do, you become more "present", more able to connect deeply, to give. The other person, like this guy, may sense you are emotionally not quite there, without knowing why. You can go through the motions and distraction of dating, texting, flirting, having sex, smiling, even crying, without being fully ready for love. I'm not blaming you I'm asking you if, really honestly, this was the kind of guy that you've always wanted. You said you liked him and one of the reasons is that he responds well with texting and he treats you well on dates. Do you think maybe you liked him just for the attention and for making you feel wanted? Or can you honestly say this guy was a great match for you? What do you really like about him, that's unrelated to you? For example, you admire his work? intelligence? courage? creativity? values? Did you try to get to know him? Don't go for a man just because he gives you attention. He can suddenly lose interest, pull the rug out under you and that's it. This hurts extra when you are already grieving over a recent breakup. You're emotionally more fragile. But realizing he wasn't exactly your dream man, may help you to see you did not lose much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) Sorry you are feeling heartbroken and sad. I think you are getting a little hung up on logical, straightforward linear logistics and timing. I agree and was waiting for someone to say it as has just been said above ^^^^ , i.e. if it is someone else that has his interest and that's why he broke it off, he probably had something with them BEFORE you or simultaneous to you. It could have been an ex or just as likely some other girl who he met as same time or just before he met you. Also while your dating with him might have progressed in a linear fashion, perhaps theirs was more intermittent or jumps and starts--maybe to her schedule or whatever her reluctance or personal situation was. I usually don't say this (because it is a conclusion jumped to far too easily and often) but i think it's a high probability of what the reason is........ Okay just to clear up a few things. I thought the 8 dates was a normal pace because we did live a distance from each other about 40 mins to an hour. He definitely wasn’t physically seeing anyone else while with me not saying he might not have been talking to someone but i know he wasn’t dating anyone. We weren’t bf/gf but we did establish we are just dating each other, not seeing other people. We both agreed to that. And with the dating app, the only reason I knew that is because at the start I asked him how is he finding online dating, he said he’s not on there anymore he gave that up when we started talking because he sees no point in that now that we are talking/dating. So he implied it was because of me that he gave it up. So I really thought okay this guy is definitely really into me, he gave up online dating without me even asking! Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) You went online dating while getting over a break up. This is very common. A lot of people go online for instant attention from the opposite sex after the pain of break up. If he really hasn't been in a relationship in 2 years and he's been disappointed with OLD, probably it's because he has met too many women still getting over a break up.... That is possible. I’ve been with some guys that didn’t treat me well. So when I found him, I was surprised with how well he treated me and I really liked it. He wasn’t like any of my ex bfs, he was actually nice so I wanted it I guess. I did like him physically and we did get on well but apart from that I didn’t know much about him. Just surface level stuff. He is easygoing and easy to get on with and was really affectionate with me. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t have feelings for him yet (it takes me awhile for that to happen) but I did like him and I always knew if it didn’t work out I won’t find anyone else like him. I’m not heartbroken but I am upset and extremely disappointed. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gurl Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) I don't think it has to be someone else. I have often left men without there being anybody else, there just wasn't enough chemistry for me to continue..... The chemistry thing could be possible, going by what he said. But I don’t understand why he kept dating me! I’ve been on at most 3 dates with someone I didn’t find that attractive and didn’t feel chemistry with. He also would cuddle me all night and when he woke up. Even just watching a movie he would hold my hand, and would always be the one kissing me first. So why do all that? But I’ve never gone on 8 dates or slept with them multiple times. So obviously I thought he really liked me by then. I thought he was acting like a boyfriend at that stage. Cuddling, holding my hand, taking me on trips. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) The chemistry thing could be possible, going by what he said. But I don’t understand why he kept dating me! Who knows? Trust me, this isn't worth analyzing. I dated a guy for a month or so before he moved back home to another state. The chemistry was there and he asked me several times to be his gf. When we 1st started dating, he kept saying how he was a one woman kind of guy and that he wanted a relationship. After he moved back, I felt a total change. Texts went unanswered and despite him telling me how much he liked me, he kept going colder and colder. I finally pressed the truth and he told me he wasn't "ready for a relationship" (some of the dumbest words I've heard). Something changed. He was chomping at the bit to date me only to drop a bomb on me. You definitely avoided more heartache. When someone wants to be w/you, its obvious. They will be ready for a relationship. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 To me it’s just a simple case of he just was not that into you. That’s all and that’s ok! Of course he didn’t mention he was contemplating breaking it off with you because at that point that’s all it was ... contemplation. He hadn’t reached a decision. He wasn’t leading you on. He only avoided you while trying to figure out how to let you know. You helped him by bringing up the topic I guess. Stop trying to analyse it because there likely is no obvious reason except that as I said he just wasn’t that into you. He gave it a good shot. Sounds like a nice guy to me, there are plenty more out there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep being you and another nice guy will be more into you by being yourself. Good luck!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat77 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Gurl, so sorry .. Its painful i know. Ive been on both sides of this fence so can relate. I would say when i have ended it after several months its been when minor issues started to bother me more slowly... little things like feeling like he was more selfish than i had noticed at first, or feeling like his personality is a bit too cheesy/not funny... things that i made excuses for at first but eventually was like 'nah just cant do this anymore'. Attraction wise, if the physical/sexual chemistry had been massive, i probably would have turned a blind eye to all of those issues but it wasn't. I was attracted.. but just not enough.. I know you feel like you want to make sense of it, and i get that -- im an over-analyzer too. The only problem with doing that is its starts to eat away at our self-esteem as we hand our power over to some man who doesn't deserve it. You were attractive enough to take on 8 dates... so if his sole reason was lack of attraction then he must have really struggled with the decision because 8 dates with someone who isn't attractive to you is a lot. No, i suspect he was .. but maybe not enough to trump some of the other issues that he felt. Ultimately its not about you -- its HIM. You are more than enough! Write a list of the things you dont like about him -- this always helps me to get over a guy:) Link to post Share on other sites
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