When a guy you are dating goes on a vacation

[smackie9]

This may have played in your favor...we desire most what we can't have, so to be desired is to be less available. And this what you have been doing. It seems to be working...he misses you, and is looking forward to a relationship with you....and making that clear. He seems like a real sweet guy, so I think he deserves less of your scrutiny.

[BaileyB]

Why i said that? Because I am scared to start a new relationship, i am scared to get hurt again, I really am. Do i want to start a new something and get hurt again? or do i want to stay single and not worry about anyone?

 

Not having a relationship and being alone is it’s own kind of pain.

 

I think people mistakenly think that when they avoid risking a romantic relationship, they are somehow protecting them self from hurt. I know I did, when I was younger. But the truth is, growing older and watching all your friends find a partner who they can share life with and build a family is a different kind of hurt.

 

Being hurt is relationships is just a part of life. Sure, there is always the chance that you will be hurt. There is also the possibility that you could find great joy...

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, you were way too complicated in your response ... and I hate to say it, you did a bit of the martyr routine of don't worry about me while you're away. Go have fun. I'll be fine.

 

At the same time I get why you didn't demand that he stay in touch ... and I get why you didn't commit to a relationship over WhatsApp. After he asked about a relationship, you could have said something like, "Let's stay in touch and see."

 

I can't help but wonder if him going to the beach with a group that includes three women ... made you more cautious. You could just see him romping with one of those women (even if they are all coupled with guys there). And I'm not criticizing you there. That's a very valid worry.

 

Would you have reacted the same way if he had said he was going to visit his father? ... Or going on a work trip?

 

Might want to send him an updated note saying something like "Look, if you want to talk seriously about a relationship then I probably gave you confusing directions. Yeah, you should stay in touch while you're away."

 

Something like that ... you're not committing, but you're acknowledging you're interested ... In your position, I would be way weirded out if I didn't have an agreement to stay in touch with someone while they're away and the person was going to a beach with a bunch of people.

 

My guess: I bet he would LOVE to stay in touch and text/talk frequently. I imagine he would love to be telling his buddies (girls and guys) at the beach that yeah, that call or that text was from this new cool woman I met.

 

But you may have inadvertently told him you didn't want him to stay in touch. So, he's left with the same dilemma as you. Ignore your directions and work to stay in touch and he risks being desperate and risks going against what you asked for. Go the other way and you guys drift apart and he thinks you're really not interested.

 

Good luck. I would definitely "clarify" the message to him. I don't think there's anything weird about clarifying things because this is genuinely a tricky situation!

Edited August 16, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[toomanyquestions123]

I am scared that I lost this guy. I didn't know that what i said was understood as a rejection, I told him to go have fun and I am waiting for him to come back. I initiated many times a convo with him, he seemed so distant, he replied back but he never initiated a convo with me in his vacation, and he posted stories were obviously he is having lots of fun. Did he meet someone else or is he doing it on purpose or he is simply enjoying a lot that he forgot about me?

 

 

 

Yesterday, we texted at night, it was obvious that he was trying to show me how much fun he is having, told me if i were you, i would be jealous etc... Woke up today and he didnt reply on the last thing i texted, of course because he was getting drunk and probably was flirting with a girl ( who he followed on Instagram), asked him if he is upset with me, answered that why would he be upset, but he is having a bad hangover. Then stopped replying back, so i told him to talk to me when he is free because i want to talk to him about something important and to have a safe flight( he is coming back today).

 

 

I knew that this trip will pull him away, i was scared this was going to happen and it happened.

 

 

We did NOT have sex, we only kissed, fore-played a little. I know he is a good guy that's why i do not want this to be over yet, so i have to talk to him and be honest. But I am afraid that it's too late? What should i do? :(

[toomanyquestions123]

he read what i last said (to have a safe flight) and didn't reply back. LOL he met someone new

[schlumpy]

he read what i last said (to have a safe flight) and didn't reply back. LOL he met someone new

 

Chalk it up to lifes lesson No. 276. "Never say something opposite of what you really mean." File that away please.

 

No more of that nonsense.

 

Next - Love of my life No. 13. Please step forward.

[basil67]

I'm so confused. He's been having fun partying and not being contstantly online with you (as per what you told him to do). Now you say he's met someone new. Where did you get this information from?

 

And do you *really* expect him to be texting with you when he's dying from a hangover? Even if you had both agreed to be in frequent contact, a giant hangover needs a bit of understanding from you.

[h0000]

Dont you want to be his GF? From your previous posts, you sounded really keen for this to progress. So why did you turn him down when he asked you about pursuing a relationship??

 

And then why did you tell him not to message you often and just enjoy his time when you obvious want him to message you often???

 

If a guy feels what you say is different to what you want, he's going to feel real turned off...

 

Honestly I think both of you effed up. His previous behaviors werent up to standards either. I mean, he's only met you what, 3 times? and he asked you to be his GF? It's ODD. Then you are also acting like you are playing games. I feel exhausted by just reading your posts..This shouldnt be how relationships start

Edited August 18, 2019 by h0000

[toomanyquestions123]

We have seen each other 7 times over the course of one month. It was my request to take things slowly and he is a busy man who spends a lot of time working out and training as a rugby player. After i posted here that he read my message and didnt reply, i double messaged him that i don't like that my messages were left unread, he send me a 1 minute voice note, obviously frustrated at me, told me that he was checking in at the airport and was busy, and that I am the one that asked to take things slowly and to have fun in this vacation, I told him yes, i did but this doesnt mean to leave my messages on read, he told me that he would never do that to me and he was only busy at the airport and that i am the one that asked to not jump into a relationship now and once we are in a relationship that we will agree on a specific communication standard. He was right and i apologized for my behavior and things got back to normal from there, texting all the time, and he wants to meet me soon.

 

I say that he is the normal one here and i am the one with insecurities, he is a really good guy, i do not want to ruin it with him:(

[BaileyB]

He just can’t seem to please you, can he? Don’t seem to matter what he does, you find a way to assume the worst.

 

My dear, you need to get a handle on these insecurities or they will ruin this, and any other relationship that you have. Most men won’t put up with this kind of stuff for very long...

[h0000]

We have seen each other 7 times over the course of one month.

hnn? I thought you saw him once a week and you had to initiate 3 times out of 4 because he doesnt arrange things?

 

 

It was my request to take things slowly and he is a busy man who spends a lot of time working out and training as a rugby player.

 

You want to take it slow?? You sure dont act like it...you want a high level of attention/attraction and that is NOT the definition of slow.

 

I really think you should be truthful to yourself..

[toomanyquestions123]

hnn? I thought you saw him once a week and you had to initiate 3 times out of 4 because he doesnt arrange things?

 

 

 

 

You want to take it slow?? You sure dont act like it...you want a high level of attention/attraction and that is NOT the definition of slow.

 

I really think you should be truthful to yourself..

 

yes, and then we went out 3 times after i posted that on LS.

 

That's true and I gonna be honest with him when we go out.

[basil67]

i double messaged him that i don't like that my messages were left unread, he send me a 1 minute voice note, obviously frustrated at me, told me that he was checking in at the airport <snip > I told him yes, i did but this doesnt mean to leave my messages on read

 

Your response to finding out that he was busy checking in at the airport isn't about insecurity - it's about self centredness.

 

I'm shocked that he actually needed to explain to you that he wan't able to respond while checking in. Have you ever checked into an airport? Juggling tickets and bags and looking for the right baggage drop off? Even worse if one is running a bit late. Upon finding out the facts of why he didn't respond, the correct response after sending him the "I don't like to be ignored" text would be to apologise profusely for your bad timing. But instead, you further pushed your agenda. And this is on top of you telling him to have a great trip and to not feel the need to stay in touch.

 

Aways remember that the world doesn't revolve around you. If you can't, you're going to lose a good guy.

[Timshel]

He's not into her, he is not a great guy, for her.

 

OP, the reason all of this is a struggle isn't because you have done anything wrong. You two are not ready to be in a committed, mature relationship, you both are not being authentic with each other.

 

 

Anyway, I strongly disagree that if you were more of a doormat for this dude that he would treat you better and everything would be hunky dory. On the contrary, I think you should only see him casually or not at all, he isn't serious.

[toomanyquestions123]

He's not into her, he is not a great guy, for her.

 

OP, the reason all of this is a struggle isn't because you have done anything wrong. You two are not ready to be in a committed, mature relationship, you both are not being authentic with each other.

 

 

Anyway, I strongly disagree that if you were more of a doormat for this dude that he would treat you better and everything would be hunky dory. On the contrary, I think you should only see him casually or not at all, he isn't serious.

 

How did you figure out he is not serious IYO?

[Twizzlestick]

Hi OP

 

Further to my earlier thoughts (which I still stand by) you messaging in annoyance about messages being left on read is Er. Well. As a potential beau I would be thinking “is this woman going to be the controlling type if this is what she’s like 7 dates in when folk are usually still on their best behaviour?

 

I echo the above, you both have kind of stuffed up. Don’t let it ride you, you’re only a few dates down the road with this one and it doesn’t sound like much fun for you, learn from it. But I would say this, could be a blessing in disguise, you reckon this guy is all that, but something you said above (I can’t remember what) made me think he sounds like a bit of a wolly. Perhaps with someone who fits you better you won’t feel like this?

 

Reading your accounts of this dating experience is tiring, you must be exhausted. It’s a bad start and a good foundation doesn’t start that way so best laid to bed if you can’t rescue it (is it worth it even?)

 

Learn from this. In future drop the reverse psychology test dropping and say what you mean and act as you would expect to be acted upon yourself, and also.... try and chill out a bit with your approach. It’s meant to be fun, pleasant and organic . Good luck!

[toomanyquestions123]

Hi OP

 

Further to my earlier thoughts (which I still stand by) you messaging in annoyance about messages being left on read is Er. Well. As a potential beau I would be thinking “is this woman going to be the controlling type if this is what she’s like 7 dates in when folk are usually still on their best behaviour?

 

I echo the above, you both have kind of stuffed up. Don’t let it ride you, you’re only a few dates down the road with this one and it doesn’t sound like much fun for you, learn from it. But I would say this, could be a blessing in disguise, you reckon this guy is all that, but something you said above (I can’t remember what) made me think he sounds like a bit of a wolly. Perhaps with someone who fits you better you won’t feel like this?

 

Reading your accounts of this dating experience is tiring, you must be exhausted. It’s a bad start and a good foundation doesn’t start that way so best laid to bed if you can’t rescue it (is it worth it even?)

 

Learn from this. In future drop the reverse psychology test dropping and say what you mean and act as you would expect to be acted upon yourself, and also.... try and chill out a bit with your approach. It’s meant to be fun, pleasant and organic . Good luck!

 

Probably, you are right. It should progress organically, effortlessly.

I am not sure if i want to be in a relationship with this guy. I am starting to know him more since its been more than a month now that we talk. He doesn't challenge me intellectually, he is not that smart, he is naif in certain things, and most of his focus is on his muscles, having fun, work, partying. I want someone to really be into me, to support me, to like me.

 

Since he came back from his vacation, he got ill really bad, he's been in bed since days with a fever. I was invited this upcoming Saturday to a bachelor party for the couple that I m gonna attend their wedding in Greece. I can bring +1 with me, so i asked him if he could join on Saturday, he told me that the friends he traveled with want to go party and they have been nagging on him to join and he told me i want you to come with me to this party. I don't want to go to this bachelor alone since its gonna be in a far place and most of the people are coupled up; Isn't a little be inconsiderate of him to always work things on his terms? his time? his friends? i dont know.

[basil67]

Given that you recently refused to be exlusive with him, told him to have fun on his holiday and not worry about contacting you, thought he got another girlfriend while he was away, you don't seem to like him that much and don't think you want a relationship with him....he's not at all being inconsiderate. After all that's gone down, why should he put his friends above you?

 

If you want him to dedicate some time to you, you have to be worth it to him. At this point in time, your behaviour has been less than worthy. Let him go and find someone who wants a relationship with him.

[h0000]

U do realize you arent happy about basically every single move of his ? Every other day or so he would do something that you dont like that you will ask questions here about " how should I feel" ..

 

Arent you tried?

 

You have your issues, no doubt. But he is just fueling it because he isnt a good fit for you, either.

Edited August 21, 2019 by h0000

[Maggiemay1]

Just to clear things out, I was not playing games and i did not turn him down. Simply, I do not know if i want to be exclusive with him yet, it's only been 1 month, he didn't take me on a dinner yet, we just do "activities","clubbing""sports","beaches" together, I am still not sure about him also. And his question came out of nowhere

 

His question did NOT come out of nowhere! It came because he had an upcoming holiday and wanted to know where he stood with you!

Yes his question was should he fool around on holidays with other girls or not.

He clearly hoped you would say yes to a relationship giving him the confidence not to fool around with others knowing he has something good going on at home.

But you said no.

 

So, as per your request, and leaving him thinking you are not that interested , he is having a great time meeting other women. And of course not thinking about you. At least not until he is home with no other women to distract him.

 

And all you can think of is how you are going to not contact him when you are on holidays!? Well sorry, but he likely won’t be put out because I’m not sure he is going to pursue you when he gets back. Why would he?

 

You played a game and it backfired it seems.

 

When he asked you if you want to pursue a relationship, a non game playing response but be to say we have only been dating a month, I’m interested in exploring that when you get back from your holiday, I hope you have a great time!!!

[Twizzlestick]

 

I am not sure if i want to be in a relationship with this guy.

He doesn't challenge me intellectually

he is not that smart

he is naif in certain things

most of his focus is on his muscles, having fun, work, partying.

I want someone to really be into me, to support me, to like me.

 

Isn't a little be inconsiderate of him to always work things on his terms? his time? his friends? i dont know.

 

Mm hmm ha. Read back your posts and there’s an awful lot you don’t like about this person. You’re rubbishing him in nearly every post.

 

Re inconsiderate. No not really.

 

From his side all he’s had is distinct push/pull indications and a bizarre instruction re other women. I’m slightly surprised he’s still hanging about, let alone narking you he wants to see friends. Additionally he’s persevering with someone who identifies numerous negatives in him (see above). Granted you might not have vocalised this, but it’s the way you feel.

 

With the holiday comms and negatively analysing his behaviour each time you plant a mental test, he hasn’t had anything stable or consistent to identify where you are. A land of confusion. You’ve not laid the communication foundation yourself that would garner the behaviour you’re conversely demanding in return.

 

In future, be straight with future beaus, and don’t do people testing. It’s a recipe for disaster. There’s no “people should do”. Folk act and react with behaviours consistent with how they are engaged or communicated with in kind.

 

Boot on the other foot - imagine yourself in his shoes. You’re him, going on holiday. You plucked up the courage and popped your commitment feeling on the rele table just prior to your holiday, and received your own response from him. He was latterly on here saying how despite his communications totally to the contrary with an indication to hang out with other men, he still expects xyz behaviour off you in return. You’d likely find that quite irritating no?

 

 

It sounds like you need to knock this on the head. What’s keeping you going?

[toomanyquestions123]

Mm hmm ha. Read back your posts and there’s an awful lot you don’t like about this person. You’re rubbishing him in nearly every post.....

 

He is a good guy, we have things in common. He doesn't stimulate me intellectually but i mean only douche-bags stimulate me intellectually lol. When we go out we have fun together, but when its on Whatsapp it's boring. Thats why I still want to give it a chance, because despite this thread and my insecurities, we still didnt see each other enough due to many reasons to see if we are compatible or no. He was seeking for something serious with me, and i let him down. So i want to give it a chance and see if its worth it or no. It's still early to see if this guy is not compatible or no.

Edited August 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

we still didnt see each other enough due to many reasons to see if we are compatible or no. He was seeking for something serious with me, and i let him down. .

 

How can he be serious when he only sees you once a week? You know a GF title doesnt guarantee GF substance.

 

What are the reasons he cant see you?

[schlumpy]

I'm unclear as to what you mean when you say "he doesn't challenge me intellectually?"

 

He doesn't discuss the latest version of string theory? When you ask him about a new popular book or well known author he has blank look on his face? If you were to make quotes or refer to stories from Greek and Roman mythology would he recognize the source?

 

 

Or are you referring to trivia? Knowing the in and outs of 90 day fiancée? Being able to answer questions on Jeopardy.

 

Do you expect to quote Jane Austen or do you find that in general he just lacks a sense of wonder about the universe and never questions his place in the scheme of things or whether there is a scheme to consider?

 

How are you defining this?

[toomanyquestions123]

I'm unclear as to what you mean when you say "he doesn't challenge me intellectually?"

 

He doesn't discuss the latest version of string theory? When you ask him about a new popular book or well known author he has blank look on his face? If you were to make quotes or refer to stories from Greek and Roman mythology would he recognize the source?

 

 

Or are you referring to trivia? Knowing the in and outs of 90 day fiancée? Being able to answer questions on Jeopardy.

 

Do you expect to quote Jane Austen or do you find that in general he just lacks a sense of wonder about the universe and never questions his place in the scheme of things or whether there is a scheme to consider?

 

How are you defining this?

 

Someone who doesnt tell me things i dont know or leave me speechless for something he said. He is not street smart or witty, i always get attracted to such men, men who know a lot of things about what's going on in the world, about science, about politics, about economy. I'm not sure our guy is knowledgeable is such topics. He is knowledgable in mechanical engineering ( his profession ), in rugby and sports, in fitness and diet. But, again, i can't be that picky or else i would really end up alone.