! I reached out after 7months no-contact and we are about to meet 2 days from now!!

[aSadGirl]

One half year ago I met a guy at our friends party then we had 2 months of amazing dating.. I thought. When he suddenly dumped me 1 say after our last date. He said that we have good chemistry and a lot of fun ( we went to cinema and dinners on our dates where we talked laughed and kissed a lot). But that he realized I want a partnership and that he is very far away from that and got a lot to handle with himself and cause he felt he relatively recently came out of a relationship despite it was about 6 months before us be they were together 3 years...(he is 29).

 

He said it takes too much energy to talk and meet so structured ( I liked do plan time/place/activity 1 day before the date while he liked more spontaneity and go with the flow/decide in the moment) and said he did not want to date too seriously or often so he couldnt continue seeing me despite it really was a hard decision he said. He said I'm a sweet fragile girl who deserves to meet someone who can give me everything I want (I hate that he didnt want to be the one). I agreed and left him alone... even though my heart ached. I tried to move on and date others but couldnt forget him 100%. Especially after our mutal friends recently said he is single, plus that he started to appear in my dreams and I read a book I really think he would love to read.

 

 

So I gave him the advice of it (Mark Manson- "Everything is fu*ked') on snapchat. He said he is happy to hear from me, thanked me and we texted about books, even when I responded short he wrote longer. So I asked him about what he did this summer and he started almost bragging, I could tell he seemed to want to impress me but also show that he had "did the things he wanted" (like travel and go to festivals and just live life fully) so I started to be more curious about where he is in his state or mind now in terms of dating me more seriously than before. He started asking for more book-tips and we joked about having a bookclub, then he asked If I'm going out this weekend and he said yes.. Then I asked him what he is doing but he said he is staying home. I said it sounded like he wants to meet and he said he was just curious so I straight up asked him if he wants to meet (i was drunk at Saturday with friends so I dared) and he said yes.. 'perhaps Monday but that he had to double check'. I asked next day If he did that but he suggested Tuesday. I dont want to meet tomorrow cause it's been 30 degrees sun all days and Tuesday is 15 degrees rain & wind all day plus now after the alcohol is gone I'm more nervous to see him again so suddenly maybe.

 

I thought I might only see him again at friends parties... So I suggested Thursday or Friday and he said "unfortunately I cant Friday, let's book Thursday preliminary"... the word preliminarily doesn't sound so enthusiastic and now I'm scared to get my heart broken again and doubt if I'm ready emotionally to deal with possibly another reaction from him again ;( But I never felt more alive with someone before as when I dated him. He is extremely charming goodlooking, deep fun flirty and all at once. We could talk for many hours without an end.. about everything.. psychology history philosophy while getting to know how each other works I'm relationships etc. We both know what we or others did wrong and how to make it better. Anyway I just feel he is special and the fact we got the same friend group is both thrilling yet a bit scary at the same time as If it ends they think its going to be stiff between us but no, not now. If I'd date him more and we perhaps slept together then I would feel much more vulnerable and there is more at stake...

 

To be honest I was in the beginning planning of taking it so slow that we only spoke a bit and meet in beginning of September cause I want to find a steady job, take driving license, travel (I have 1 week in Greece planned), diet (lose 5kg weight), and so some beauty treatments before he sees me again.. so I'm better "equipped" and maximize the chances of him liking me now BUT perhaps he will find another girl in a month (for example in Mystery land festival he is going to with my friends) so I cant risk waiting...

 

 

Now i feel stupid cause i didnt even respond to his "lets book thursday preliminarly" so he can easily call it out and say he thought i didnt want to since i didnt said "ok" :/ it was over 1 day ago that he said that...

 

 

Any advise to what to do now? Meet him on Thursday and how do I handle that? How do I appear so high value that he falls in love this time around? ♡

[Normm]

How do I appear so high value that he falls in love this time around? ♡

 

 

Don't try to pretend to be something that you're not. Games never work in the long run. Just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise you're just wasting each other's time.

[basil67]

I worry that you're meeting him with hopes of reconciliation, whereas he seems to be just happy to have a catchup with you as an old friend.

[d0nnivain]

This is a bad plan. You see this possible meet up as a chance to reconcile & you are working to maximize your chances. He sees it as a way to kill time 'cause he has nothing else going on. Remember, he chose to stay home over the weekend rather than go out with you.

 

You are still the "sweet, fragile" girl who likes structure. He is still the guy who wants his freedom & prefer spontaneity. When he gave you a version of "It's not you it's me" when he said he wasn't ready for a new relationship / partnership yet, you accepted that at face value when it really meant he just didn't want to date you. If you had done it for him, he would have overcome whatever his issues were.

 

You are already way too emotionally invested in this. You are gonna get hurt. I'd cancel. I'd also stop talking to him. Be cordial if you see him at friends' parties but beyond that move along.

 

For your sake I hope I'm wrong & that he's agreeing to this meet knowing he lost a good thing when you broke up but I do fear he's still looking for more casual & less commitment then you want.

[stillafool]

I don't understand why you would reach out to a man who dumped you after just one date. Now he is giving you a preliminary day for a date. He still does not value you and by contacting him you are pretty much telling him he can treat you as he wishes. I hope I'm wrong.

[aSadGirl]

This is a bad plan. You see this possible meet up as a chance to reconcile & you are working to maximize your chances. He sees it as a way to kill time 'cause he has nothing else going on. Remember, he chose to stay home over the weekend rather than go out with you.

 

You are still the "sweet, fragile" girl who likes structure. He is still the guy who wants his freedom & prefer spontaneity. When he gave you a version of "It's not you it's me" when he said he wasn't ready for a new relationship / partnership yet, you accepted that at face value when it really meant he just didn't want to date you. If you had done it for him, he would have overcome whatever his issues were.

 

You are already way too emotionally invested in this. You are gonna get hurt. I'd cancel. I'd also stop talking to him. Be cordial if you see him at friends' parties but beyond that move along.

 

For your sake I hope I'm wrong & that he's agreeing to this meet knowing he lost a good thing when you broke up but I do fear he's still looking for more casual & less commitment then you want.

 

 

No he didnt chose to stay home. his parents from other side cross country were visiting him... but the monday.. he said "probably would be fine/he needed to double check" he jumped over.. he suggested tuesday though and i declined and suggested thursday or friday.. he said his weekend is gonna be busy and we can do thursday preliminarly...

 

but yes, perhaps he still want his damn freedom and spontaneity... i wish he could grow up and move past that.. seatlle down with me.. not travel to festivals where 18year olds love to hand.. his is turing 30 this november...

 

You might be right, i might get hurt.. i even thought out a plan for picknick.. what food to bring, where we could hand etc.. but yes.. i know im just gonna be a "cinderella and when clock turns 00:00 its all over and diamonds turns to pumkins again" but chosing that, or chosing to not experience a perhaps magical date (as all were with him) is hard to say no to.

 

 

I don't understand why you would reach out to a man who dumped you after just one date. Now he is giving you a preliminary day for a date. He still does not value you and by contacting him you are pretty much telling him he can treat you as he wishes. I hope I'm wrong.

 

You didnt read thourugly. we didnt had just one date, we have mutual friends and first time met last summer at party , but he had a girlfriend then. then on halloween he was single and "claimed me" (flirted kissed and started date), we saw each other for 2 months, texted, sent pictures or talked on phone for hours everyday besides about 5 dates or so...

but you might be right about him not valuing me so much since he just gave a preliminarly OK to thursday (I shouldve accepted tuesday but didnt).. so it hurts. cause ive really tried make him value me.. but he seams not to

 

 

ANYWAY i havent talked to him about tommorws date and will try today.. not looking forward to him perhaps cancel the date.. hell

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a really bad idea, OP.

 

You won't be able to handle meeting up with him as friends or for one date, with due respect. You're still living in a fantasy in your mind of what he could be, what you two could be together - the problem is that you are the only one propelling this fantasy. He doesn't mind catching up with you but you are already thinking it might be "one magical date." You are still too hung up on him to see him without coming across as desperate.

 

And it will get worse when you meet him and he still doesn't want to date you. You are going to wind up hurt all over again, girl.

[basil67]

but yes, perhaps he still want his damn freedom and spontaneity... i wish he could grow up and move past that.. seatlle down with me.. not travel to festivals where 18year olds love to hand.. his is turing 30 this november...

 

If he's 'not grown up', you're equally being a stick in the mud.

 

Truth is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with his life choices - and there are plenty of 30yos who go to festivals. And there's nothing wrong with you wanting a quiet life either. But he was right to say that you're not compatible.

 

You might be right, i might get hurt.. i even thought out a plan for picknick.. what food to bring, where we could hand etc.. but yes.. i know im just gonna be a "cinderella and when clock turns 00:00 its all over and diamonds turns to pumkins again" but chosing that, or chosing to not experience a perhaps magical date (as all were with him) is hard to say no to.

 

It's not a date, you're not going to be Cinderella for an afternoon and there will not be magic. It's a catch up for a coffee with someone who already knows that the two of you are incompatible. Please try to manage your expectations.

[basil67]

I just realised that it's the guy in this thread

 

Given that he knows how emotionally fragile you are, I doubt he's going to do anything remotely romantic just in case he leads you on again.

[d0nnivain]

We'll be here for you after your disastrous picnic. Come back & we'll see what we can do to help you get over the fact that you are not a Disney Princess & he's not prince charming.

 

A 30 year old man who is going to festivals to hang out with 18 year olds is still busy having fun & sowing while oats. You want him to settle down with you. You might as well ask him to cut off his left arm. Both sound equally appalling to him. He wants to have fun. He's Peter Pan. You won't be able to change him until he's ready to change. He may change in the future for another woman but not you. That is not a crack or insult to you; it's just the reality that you are not The One for him even if you think that he's the be all end all in your life.

 

I do not share basil67's optimism that he will be cautious with you to avoid leading you on. I don't think he cares enough to try. He's going to be normal & if he senses that you are up for some fooling around he will go for it. You will think that sex means he's serious, when all he's doing is getting his rocks off.

[Normm]

Think positive people! All that stuff between him and her was over 6 months ago. He's probably a different person altogether now.

[d0nnivain]

Think positive people! All that stuff between him and her was over 6 months ago. He's probably a different person altogether now.

 

Nope. He just has more notches on his bedpost & is looking forward to adding more.

[stillafool]

Plus she was the one who reached out to him after he previously dumped her, not the other way around. By contacting him again she is telling him she is down with however he treats her as long as he spends some time with her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I read your other thread. No wonder he thought you are emotional. You were 20 minutes late for your date and you are so stressed that you are about to cry?

 

This guy wants to hook up. He is probably bored, low on options, horny and since you are heavily pursuing him, why not? You are initiating everything, he doesn't even have to feel guilty. This is a very bad idea.

[Leigh 87]

Terrible idea.

 

I think you need to focus on your self esteem. I've been in your shoes and did exactly as you're doing.

 

It never works out.

 

Sorry.

[aSadGirl]

Thank you all for your resposes, but I just had to find out for myself...

 

 

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Ok so this is what happened:

we went to a park near a lake, sat on a bench and talked for hours (17-21:30) on end about deep stuff, he kissed me a lot and seem fond of me… I had wine we drank and we rolled around in a forest to music.. he even said “if someone would take a photo of us now it would look magically idyllic”..

He even opened about about being beaten up by his dad when he was little, he asked me about what I think about cheating, how i´ve dated and said he was glad to meet me and that we should eat a dinner next time… He wrote “Thank you for a very cozy evening ” and asked about some other stuff plus gave me a book-tip etc… then I asked about a wine he liked and he replied he would answer next day, but he didn’t… I said “we maybe will see each other on Pride-festival” cause I knew he would go there also with his friends who knows my friends.. but he didn’t respond. Still I thought everything was cool, but it turned out it wastnt.

So I was at the festival, got a bit drunk but happy, and my friend-group split in two so I went along with the ones who would go to a bar he was at. Immediately when I met him I could tell he was cautious, held his arms crossed and seamed distant. I spoke to him a bit about the festival, and held his back with my hand (the others didn’t see it) but he seamed so stiff, so I went away a bit to others in the group, then suddenly everyone wanted to leave… we only hung out at the bar about 15 minutes or so… I said ive wrote to him and he said he would reply soon.. then he said he would go home with his pal and eat dinner, then come out back to us later, but he didn’t. I partied with the others and his homie said in the end of the evening we´ll see each other soon again, so I could tell his friends liked me…

Anyway, I didn’t wrote anything to him that Saturday, but still, on Sunday, at 1 PM this is what he sent me on messenger:

 

 

“Hello

Is all well? Did you have fun yesterday?

 

I´ve pondered after yesterday, and realized that you are much more emotionally invested than I am.

And when we hung out, I think it's not good, neither for me, but especially not for you.

Even if you haven't mentioned anything about relationship or dating exclusively etc, it's something I still want to be clear about. I meet others and have no interest in any relationship or anything exclusive.

The reason I am clear is, as I said, because I do not want you to invest time etc and be very hurt down the line.

 

What I see in front of me is a more friendly relationship where we can talk and philosophize. But not an intimate one, I don't think it's healthy for you ❤”

 

after i´ve read this, I cried all day long, feeling devastated and inactivated my facebook, instagram AND snapchat… after I accidently even screenshtoted snapchat and removed him as a friend there… but then when my friends started contacting me being concerned about why I deleted my accounts I activated FB and Snap, not instagram yet though…

 

Ever since I´ve read his last text I´ve felt horrible, and still do (this next day), but my friends been very supportive and talked on phone for hours on end about this but they have different opinions about what I should reply.

 

One friend says I should only say “Thanks for being honest, see ya” and other friends thinks its ok for me to send something like this:

 

 

“Hi, it was fun ...

but here we go again, I´d appreciate if you called instead of typed! Feel free to answer wherever you want, but I choose to write here anyway:

What happened when you and your friend went home? You told us you´d come out later. Given that you are an insecure person who preached the "opposite method", I get the feeling that maybe something bad happened to you on Saturday or your thoughts and feelings made you afraid <3

 

I feel confused about how your message came from nowhere. I haven't even heard from you since last Friday ... and you seemed happy after Thursday and wanted to have dinner / see me again - how could everything turn around quickly?

 

Well, I noticed how you kept my arms crossed when I patted you on the back at the bar last Saturday and you seemed generally stiff / absent… It made me feel unattractive / ugly. Such a contrast to how seen, beautiful and happy I felt on our meeting, the summer bench, the magical joy as we rolled around and kissed, then walked back hand in hand through town…

 

Why is it not good for you as we hung? We seemed to have it so nice, fun and cozy with deep conversations ... but yeah, it won´t work out if you want to meet others and I want to date exclusively, but what do they have that I do not have? Are they OK with just being ***kbuddies? sigh

 

Still disappointed, I thought you had come further than this and maybe wanted something serious in the long run anyway, but sure, you have time, and can wait to have a family for 50 years, while I only have a maximum of 10 years or so, given I´m a 30-year old woman.

 

I feel scared not to meet someone I want as much as you again ... Because I thought everything seemed to click, we have so much in common; deep thought, political opinions, the books, friends, attachment patterns, upbringing, etc. and we seemed to have the attraction to each other. I just wanted to be one with you forever!

 

However, it´s more important that you are happy, and it sounds like you need to go and do your thing and I encourage it because I just want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Hope I'm still here when you're ready, but until then I need someone who is 100% all in because I don't want to be with someone who isn't sure if he wants to be with me too.

 

I don't know if we can only be “friends who philosophize” because I wanted everything with you and hoped over time that you feel more for me too ... Loved how openly we could talk about everything, share the nice closeness, etc. but I respect that you do not want more. Wishing you all the best no matter what!

 

Finally I ask you not to tell this to the others, especially our friend who will think it will be awkward between us at the same party he invites us to, but it doesn't have to be. I will be normal / nice regardless. I just don't want this to ruin how we hang out with the others in the gang but now I need a break from you so I can heal peacefully.”

what do you think is right to do? Write something super-short, medium or this long letter? Please help, thanks<3

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Def do NOT write anything long. The first shorter response is way better than the second. Your long response makes you look needy which is very unappealing. Don’t do it!

[spiritedaway2003]

Don't send it. He's already made it clear that "I meet others and have no interest in any relationship or anything exclusive". I'm sorry you're hurting.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not send that letter. It's way too long and will make you look nuts.

 

There is no need to reply to him, really. He isn't interested.

[Redhead14]

Think positive people! All that stuff between him and her was over 6 months ago. He's probably a different person altogether now.

 

 

Maybe he is, but is she?

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry we were right. But like you said, you had to see for yourself.

 

If you want to preserve your dignity, do what your friend suggested & reply: "thanks for being honest" but nothing else. Take that small novel you wrote, print it out & stick it in a drawer. Re-read it in 2 weeks so you can see how weak & nutty it makes you look. Then go find a safe space where you can burn it. Seriously watch the flames & the smoke. Hopefully it will help cleanse him from your system.

 

Do print out what he wrote to you & keep it somewhere safe. When he pops back up again in 6 months, re-read that before you take yourself down this awful road again.

[preraph]

Well, isn't it funny that he told you he doesn't like to plan things and go by schedules and yet, he's met every suggestion with protests that it doesn't fit into his schedule? What is wrong with this picture?

[Silver_star]

1000% DO NOT send him a long reply like you wrote here.

It does not sound good, even if that is how you feel...you will regret it later. Take my word for it.

 

I agree with the above, you can either say nothing...and he will know why, OR you could say "Thanks for the honesty" and block him. No more discussion needed. He is not confused.

You have nothing to gain from staying in contact with him.

[preraph]

I know you got your hopes up, but he's been telling you forever that he doesn't make plans trying to keep you from starting to attach to him. I'm sure he thought that even telling you that would put off most women.

 

Anyway, now he's come right out and put it in writing that he's not interested in anything like a relationship with you. He's a kiss in the park kind of guy and then he's on to the next park.

 

Please realize he is not who you hoped he would be and that you can't possibly be in love with who he actually is, and cry it out, but after that, face reality that he is not interested and not who you hoped he would be and stop wasting time on him.

[Blanco]

I still have several notes on my phone I typed out to one ex at different points after the breakup. Each one was initially something I considered sending, but didn't. I've re-read them from time to time and am almost universally glad I didn't send them. Even if my heart was in the right place when writing them, a lot of them are too long or downright off-the-wall.

 

It usually felt good to write them out, which is why most of them didn't ever get sent. Just getting the thoughts out helped, and sending them seemed like a big risk for minimal potential upside.