He said "I don´t want a relationship" now - but acted/talked like it for months!!?

[aSadGirl]

Please help me somebody!

I dont know what to do and I´ve been crying ever since i got his "not ready for a relationship"-text yesterday!!! I met this guy at a friend's party for half a year ago, he had a girlfriend then but now he was single at halloween, we clicked instantly and kissed.. since then we have had contact every day in about 2 months .. we went on a date for movies / dinner / drinks and had great fun + talked/flirted all night . then texted and chatted for hours on end on phone etc ,.

Then we were on a date this Thursday, ate pizza, talked 3 hours and saw a cinema movie..kissed etc but havent had sex. We were going to go to the museum today but yesterday night just 30 minutes after we planned the date he dumped me with this text:

 

"I have something I need to get rid of from my heart and something I've been thinking about for some time. You have asked at times if there is something wrong, and I have not been able to define it, but now I feel it's time. You and I have very good chemistry when it comes to our conversations and we are having fun together. But I feel I'm not at the same level, emotionally, as you. It has come to my attention that you are looking for a relationship, a partner, and unfortunately, it's something I'm very far from and nothing I´m looking for :/ Given that I recently came out of a relationship, I'm in full sight of myself, as you probably noticed, and I'm not ready for a relationship, or dating too seriously. To me, unfortunately, it takes too much energy to have regular contact and socialize in a structured way. The reason I lift this is because I have to take my responsibility. You are a very nice and fragile person who deserves to meet a guy who can give you all the things you want in life, and I do not want to put you in an emotionally exposed situation. We've had a lot of fun together but I do not see that it can continue given that we are so different in this matter, I do not want to hurt you ? I'm terribly sad for this and it receives extremely much! But if we continue like this, feelings will grow stronger and then it will get worse. I understand if this was unexpected, but I did not find a better opportunity to say this ? Hope you understand ❤ Hug"

 

Now i don´t know how to respond or what to do! we got many friends in common and Im very heartbroken cause this was so unexpected! He acted like he wanted to be my boyfriend and reassured me/gave a lot of security (through diffrent things he said and did) up untill now and i could never tell he didnt want a relationship at all since he seemed like we were in one... texted/sent me pics/videos/called or something every day, said for instance he will try to remember my best friend´s names and asked a lot about me+ told me very private things about himself too from childhood etc.. He said he got vulnerable with me fast and i felt he opened himself up and really liked me so i dont understand how he could dumped me!

 

I deleted him on snapchat but still hot him as a friend on facebook but dont know what to do now.

Please help! ;'( I´m devastated </3

[Morello]

I can give you good advice on this. It will be similar to most (if not all) advice that comes after me in this thread. It will be your best option, either if you want to keep a chance of this working in the future or/and if you want to move on without further damage.

 

Just reply saying that, although you really like him and wanted to keep dating him, you respect his decision and will be moving on. Wish him the best. Then just disappear like a fart in the wind. Go No contact. Do not contact him unless he does it first.

 

Do not beg, do not try to reason with him, ask for his reasons. None of this will help you in any way. Maintain your dignity. You deserve someone who wants a relationship with you. He's not in a position to give you that and the more you stretch this out, the more hurt will come from it. He has said and shown you he's not in a position to date seriously. Believe him! It doesn't get clearer than that.

 

Trust me, this approach will improve your chances to a) potentially get back together in the future, and b) keep some self-respect and self-worth that will help you big time in moving on from this difficult time.

 

I'm wishing you strength to deal with this. I went through a similar situation and tried to reason/beg/convince them to change their mind. It only led me to suffer for months. I wish I had known better.

Edited December 16, 2018 by Morello

[ExpatInItaly]

It sucks, but it's good he was honest with you now rather than letting it drag out any longer.

 

In the future, steer clear of people fresh out of relationships. He might not be pining after his ex, he might not rebounding, but he might want to enjoy his newfound freedom as a single guy and play the field for a while.

 

I am curious why he described you as fragile person, though. That stands out to me. He went on to say he doesn't want you to expose you emotionally, which strongly suggests he knew you were already very attached to him or much sensitive than he is comfortable with. Why do you feel he said such things? Have there been some overly-emotional moments between you two?

[d0nnivain]

Delete him off FB too. There is no reason to respond to the text other than to say something like "thanks for telling me."

 

 

If people ask say something vague like "we wanted different things."

[stillafool]

Like he said he felt you guys had good chemistry in communication but he didn't develop and emotional connection and he isn't ready to be in a relationship. He was honest and shouldn't be blamed for leading you on. Until a man asks you to be his gf he isn't leading you on, you guys were just dating. I can't see a reason to respond to his text either. Just block and delete. He's right you do deserve someone who wants you.

[aSadGirl]

text+Just reply saying that, although you really like him and wanted to keep dating him, you respect his decision and will be moving on. Wish him the best. Then just disappear like a fart in the wind. Go No contact. Do not contact him unless he does it first.

.

 

Thanks! I dont have the strenght in me to reply anything i realised today. Im tired of being "the nice girl" or anything at all... I´ve been dumped by guys i´ve dated up till a half year in the month of December FOUR times in my life, and everytime if im "kind" in the reply then they wish me merry christmas, happy new year AND says "congrats on b-day" cause my birthday is in the beginning of january.

But IT ****ING HURTS to get these "greetings" cause its just accompanied with a little ":)" smiley for them to ease their bad conscince. And i dont want that again! so i think i´ll just remove him from facebook in a couple of days or something and say nothing.

Cause i feel he hurt me a lot and i want to keep my dignity and last bit of selfrespect intact, i dont want to "offer him" a glimpse of how i feel even if its "mature positive neutral words" like i respect his decision, wish him the best etc cause i think if im just quiet then its the same... plus im angry he didnt even called me, just texted this breakup instead of given me a chance to say something by phone or on a meetup in person... i find it hard to write good words when he showed me such little respect by sending this on Facebook messenger... although its a little bit better than "ghosting" :/ BUT DOES IT COUNT AS GHOSTING FROM MY PART IF I DONT REPLY ANYTHING ON HIS MESSAGE? He didnt ask a question even ;/

 

 

 

It sucks, but it's good he was honest with you now rather than letting it drag out any longer. In the future, steer clear of people fresh out of relationships. He might not be pining after his ex, he might not rebounding, but he might want to enjoy his newfound freedom as a single guy and play the field for a while.

I am curious why he described you as fragile person, though. That stands out to me. He went on to say he doesn't want you to expose you emotionally, which strongly suggests he knew you were already very attached to him or much sensitive than he is comfortable with. Why do you feel he said such things? Have there been some overly-emotional moments between you two?

 

Thank you for your input!

I think he strangled me along for 2 months in vain.. he could ve been more clear about this in the beginning and i thought they (him and his last ex) broke up by MAY this year, but tonight i saw a picture of him and his ex eating dinner with our friends in common from the MIDDLE OF JULY. That is if they say broke up by around that time then its only: aughust, septembre, octobre JUST THREE MONTHS after his 3-year long relationship (he first told me its 2 years but on our last date he mentioned they dated 1 year before they were official!).. i understand its way too early to date seriously for him I just didnt knew when we started dating and thought we were on the same page. I also had a "relationship" from june-august but it was short like 3 months barely so in like 3 weeks i was over it (he was dangerous and controlling so it was me who broke up with that other dude this summer..) so i felt single and ready to mingle when i met this man at our friend´s halloween party, but probably he didnt he moved forward fast aswell and made out with me on a bed + kissed me in front of everybody at the party after we spoke a little and seemed to click and he said im gorgeous so he kissed me.. I shoudve been more more wary and careful but i didnt knew better. I had good thoughts about him since he is best friend with one of my best "girlfriends".. but no :/and maybe cause he is 29 years old and been in relationship almost all the time since he was a teenager he probably just wants to be single for a while.. even if he said he doesnt do one-night-stands but prefer "intimacy" with sex.. but the thing about him wanting to try a dominant woman made me a bit scared.. i told him i could be dominant too but im mostly submissive.. he also once mentioned he is a very free-opened-spirited person so he could even think to try threesomes if the "sexlife" in a relationship got bad.. This is something i had nightmare about after he told me it cause i would NEVER want a threesome. in that case if there is another guy but NEVER to see him get horny on another girl.. i would be too jealous and scared he´d get feelings for the other girl through the sex...

 

I also wonder if he really wanted to write fragile cause its just one letter from another word in our language which instead means like a "cool/good/funny" person instead, so maybe he were supposed to write that.. but none of the other words were misspelled so maybe he really meant im fragile

I dont know.. the day before our last dates this week he´ve been ignoring/quiet which made me anxious and i even called or texted him asking if no accident happened and that i stated to get worried (cause for example i saw him posting clips from his christmas-party at work but he never opened my pics/texts on snapchat that evening, also when i called it sounded "busy signal" (but he later explained next day i dont have to worry and he just was at a wild x-mas party with his colleagues... and it sounds like "busy signal" when his phone is on "do not distrub-mode" but he aplogized and said he shouldve texted me some line.. i told him Im not in the best mood after this but that I agree on going on the date (this was the day after he ignored me) then he sent sms saying he baught us cinema-ticets, but probably just because he perhaps felt he had to make it up to me...

 

I got almost 20 minutes late to the date though cause my dress got stuck in the zipper so i couldnt get it on or off me and missed my bus to town/had to take the next.. I called him as i waited for the next bus almost the same time we were about to meet ( he even asked if i want to cancel the date but i said no and that id like to hurry and meet him and he said its ok cause he is also time-optimistic) and he later on the date said i sounded like i were about to cry. I laughed it away and said no, just that i was stressed and sorry he had to wait for me... I took a taxi half the way in to town (There were none from my home but at least a bit so he didnt had to wait any longer) but when i arrived i was still a bit shaken from being so late and felt very bad and not "collected" as i wished it took me a glass of wine to calm my nerves.. but then we seemed to enjoy our evening a lot. we kissed on the restaurant and talked about everything and laughed just like the date before <3 we even joked about "do a quickie" (as in fast short sex) at a toilet cause we made out a little on a staircase up to the toilets after dinner.. On the date he talked a lot about how he wants to raise children, he even had open himself up about how he been bullied as a child and reassured me we could be at his place even if he was about to get a roommate soon (but i have my own appartment so its no problem for us to be here otherwise..). but yeah.. it doesnt matter anymore ;'( my heart is shattered in pieces and i just try to cope and try to clean my appartment and call friends these days fresh after the "breakup".. but im crying a lot :'(

 

 

Delete him off FB too. There is no reason to respond to the text other than to say something like "thanks for telling me."

If people ask say something vague like "we wanted different things."

 

Thank you! I saw he is still friends with BOTH his exes of 7 years and 3 years realtionship on Facebook though.. I dont know if i really should remove him or not. a piece of my heart still hopes he will realize for example on a vacation to india 2.5 weeks in january that he misses me and wants me <3

Thanks for the other tip on saying we wanted diffrent things, i´ll definitely use that short explanation for people who work at the gym im excersising on every other day for example. but my closer friends knows more...

 

Like he said he felt you guys had good chemistry in communication but he didn't develop and emotional connection and he isn't ready to be in a relationship. He was honest and shouldn't be blamed for leading you on. Until a man asks you to be his gf he isn't leading you on, you guys were just dating. I can't see a reason to respond to his text either. Just block and delete. He's right you do deserve someone who wants you.

You got a point, but i was crystal clear about being "serious" a.k.a. wanting a relationship from the beginning! For example when he suggested "dinner at his place" for the first meeting after the halloween party we nmet on, i told him im not comfortable with things moving perhaps that fast so i want to meet in town and he said he understand 100% and says its a good idea.. this was part of why i thought he is serious + everything he said and did for almost every day ever since..

Thank you for th imput about block and delete.. I dont know if its the right way though.. i removed him on snapchat but on facebook feels so harsh. ! I saw he still are friends with his BOTH exes of 7 years and 3 years realtionship on facebook though.. I dont know if i really should remove him or not. a piece of my heart still hopes he will realize for example on a vacation to india 2.5 weeks in january that he misses me and wants me <3

 

Soon its christmas, new years eve AND my 30-year birthday (in the beginning of january).. and to be honest i feel like i just want to go and die.. i dont feel like celebrating anything at all.. i see no point.. cause of all the guys ive met in my life ive NEVER felt so open/hones/vulnerable/good/cared for etc etc like this. He probably couldve been a very good boyfriend but he told me his weaknesses is that he gets COMFORTABLE in relationships and perhaps doesnt prioritize it but explained it might been cause he didnt feel maybe that those girls were the Right one for him.. but that he wants to fix these issues since now he know them.. hmm

When i told him some weeks ago about that i like a man to have a plan for the date for example he said he wants to give me that but had too much work... but i saw he tried to give me it on thurstad (baught cinema-tickets, had a plan for where we could eat pizza and take a coffe..) I declined the coffe place though cause i felt so comfy in the sofa at the restaurant but i shouldve went along. At least i was VERY appriciative and thankful in the text after the date and told him i dont take anything for granted and want to cook him dinner at my place soon!

 

but yeah, he never told me straight out "I want a girlfriend now!!" he rather in diffrent ways told me he has a lot of work or needs to sleep during christmas holidays, travel on vacation to india soon and such :/

but i still feel confused as to he could tell me "he will remember my best friend´s names" and tried to get to know me so well.. i thought he might want it all with me. Ive never met anyone i have so much in common with like i said.. and the attraction seemed throughthe roof. He even by the LAST MiNUTES of our date this thursday commented like " did you see how men were looking at you at the restaurant?" and i said "yeah but i dont care.. did you?" and he said "I could tell they thought you looked amazing and i was proud of being there with you".. plus kissed me and couldnt get enough, he said "one more! one more" and texted me and asked me to let him know when im home so he knows i got home safe etc.. i really thought all these things meant he likes me and AT LEAST wanted to go on a third date? He started planning it and saying "i can see you after 11 AM after my excersize" but like i wrote here he just 30 minutes later dumped me instead before he even read my reply about the museum-date we were supposed to go on

 

I feel so sad.. when i went grocery shopping i cried as the snow fell on the way home.. feeling ive lost my dream-future with him </3

Edited December 16, 2018 by aSadGirl

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think using the word fragile was a typo on his part, OP.

 

Judging from this and your past threads, I think he accurately assessed that you are indeed quite emotionally fragile. He realized you were much more invested than he was and did the right thing by ending it. He doesn't feel the same way you do, and he likely doesn't want to feel responsible for your happiness. Even if you never made it explicitly clear, I am sure he sensed that you were very edgy and easily upset and hurt.

 

Until you are able to feel happy and secure on your own, you will likely continue to over-invest and get too attached too early.

[ExpatInItaly]

really thought all these things meant he likes me and AT LEAST wanted to go on a third date?

 

Wait a minute - have you only been on two dates with this guy?

[aSadGirl]

Im crying, laying in bed and been comfort eating a lot all this weekend at least :'( ill try to go to the gym tomorrow (im very fit otherwise) and do something productive (i have to apply for jobs for instance, get my driving licence and such.. i recently graduated with a Bachelors Degree from University.

He got no education by the way and said he got inferior complex cause of it and even told me im smarter and more intellectial than him but that he is impressed by me "getting things done" and selling good (at a previous job) + admire that im so creative, often gave me compliments about how good i look on pictures, and said he thinks i seem to be a good cook and he even asked if i can cook something with meat in it xD (i translated it in my head as to him checking if we could eat good dinners since im MOSTLY a vegetarian but i do eat meat on occasions and i showed him pics of meat-dishes ive done he said seems delisious so i passed that but i wished he would taste my food cause then i imagine he might falled in love since its like the old saying "feed a man good food and he will love you" lol.

 

Anyway Im afraid he will want to suddenly study abroad for years or something and then its good we aint together anymore cause i cant live with long distance too long. he asked me on the first date if id be ok if my partner studied abroad a half year and i said i would´ve been in my 20ies but im soon 30 and want to build a life. perhaps get kids in some years etc so i dont want my partner to be away on long distance too long... ).

 

Im sad we never got to enjoy ourselfes in the bed nevertheless.. since we both have great bodies and such good chimistry on so many levels but nevermind now :'/

[stillafool]

I understand that you told him you were looking for a relationship when you both first met and he agreed he was looking for the same. However, you have to date a while to find out if you think that person is a fit for you. I'm sure he liked you and thought you were beautiful but for whatever reason he didn't see you as a partner and didn't want to waste anymore or your time. I wouldn't get my hopes up that he is going to later change his mind because you will end up hurt. It's best to move on. He may not be over his recent ex also.

[aSadGirl]

I don't think using the word fragile was a typo on his part, OP.

 

Judging from this and your past threads, I think he accurately assessed that you are indeed quite emotionally fragile. He realized you were much more invested than he was and did the right thing by ending it. He doesn't feel the same way you do, and he likely doesn't want to feel responsible for your happiness. Even if you never made it explicitly clear, I am sure he sensed that you were very edgy and easily upset and hurt.

 

Until you are able to feel happy and secure on your own, you will likely continue to over-invest and get too attached too early.

 

 

 

 

Wait a minute - have you only been on two dates with this guy?

 

 

Ok i get your point.. you might be right about that. i just thought i was being honest but in retrospect i can see how he thought he had to walk almost like on eggshells. + on our last date he said he feels very bad inside himself if he feels he "Must" reply to a girl before he feels he wants to by himself/is ready for it.. i can see how he means, i never wanted to force anything but it felt strange those times he right before the dates withdrawed and didnt say anything a day or so..

 

yes we have met each other on 4 occations. 2 friend´s parties, and 2 dates. The dates streched between 4 PM till 1AM.. so almost 9 hours long each.

[preraph]

You have to just look at exactly what this is and believe it. He wants all the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations and responsibilities. If he even thought he might have found a woman he wanted to stay with, he'd never say these things.

[stillafool]

Wait a minute - have you only been on two dates with this guy?

 

OP, if the above is correct, he did decide after 2 dates to end it. He didn't string you along. He let you know pretty quick after the 2nd date. In the future don't fall so fast for these guys.

[aSadGirl]

I understand that you told him you were looking for a relationship when you both first met and he agreed he was looking for the same. However, you have to date a while to find out if you think that person is a fit for you. I'm sure he liked you and thought you were beautiful but for whatever reason he didn't see you as a partner and didn't want to waste anymore or your time. I wouldn't get my hopes up that he is going to later change his mind because you will end up hurt. It's best to move on. He may not be over his recent ex also.

Yeah i dont know.. but when i asked if he wanted to maybe get back together with here a few weeks ago he said "no absolutely not, that would be very DRAMATIC and i hate drama.."

He said his earlier girlfriends tried to change him.. for example when he is at a party he "takes room" but has experienced how his girlfriend wants to "tone him down" and hold him close cause otherwise they feel insecure or something and he felt he had to give too much security then .

i told him im also "taking rooms" easily and wanted him to believe i would never "be clingy" like that but i dont know what he thinks i would be :/

 

 

You have to just look at exactly what this is and believe it. He wants all the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations and responsibilities. If he even thought he might have found a woman he wanted to stay with, he'd never say these things.

True that.. it hurts so much to read this though ;(

 

OP, if the above is correct, he did decide after 2 dates to end it. He didn't string you along. He let you know pretty quick after the 2nd date. In the future don't fall so fast for these guys.

But there was 1 month between date 1 and 2.. we spoke a lot communicated a lot the phone though . i thought we´d meet faster/earlier but he works abroad, me or him got sick and such made the time fly by...

 

 

But what do you guys think i should do now? he still got his exes on facebok. i feel i might be immature if i delete him there? i can just unfollow but then i might secretly hoping he regain interest by posting things like when i get a job, driving licence, perhaps pictures of me looking good etc just for him to hopefully want me back </3

Edited December 16, 2018 by aSadGirl

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok i get your point.. you might be right about that. i just thought i was being honest but in retrospect i can see how he thought he had to walk almost like on eggshells. + on our last date he said he feels very bad inside himself if he feels he "Must" reply to a girl before he feels he wants to by himself/is ready for it.. i can see how he means, i never wanted to force anything but it felt strange those times he right before the dates withdrawed and didnt say anything a day or so..

 

yes we have met each other on 4 occations. 2 friend´s parties, and 2 dates. The dates streched between 4 PM till 1AM.. so almost 9 hours long each.

 

This was my point up-thread - you get too attached too quickly. You say your dream future with him is gone, but girl, you have only been out with him twice.

 

You would really benefit from keeping a healthier perspective when dating. It will help prevent you from getting so ahead of yourself and feeling crushing disappointment when something doesn't work out, particularly with a man you only went out with a couple times.

[aSadGirl]

This was my point up-thread - you get too attached too quickly. You say your dream future with him is gone, but girl, you have only been out with him twice.

 

You would really benefit from keeping a healthier perspective when dating. It will help prevent you from getting so ahead of yourself and feeling crushing disappointment when something doesn't work out, particularly with a man you only went out with a couple times.

I know but since we had a lot of long text-conversations ( one time he replied me TWO-pages long email instead of sleeping in the night even if he would had to get up at 6AM...)

 

and during our phonecalls we talked up to 3 hours in a row! not to mention pics or videoclips we sent on ourselves to each other every day!

 

this made me feel we had been dated a lot more than just a couple of times... Plus since ive never had so much in common before (firends, political views, about same age, values in terms of family and how to "be in life" etc) made it feel like "this might be the right one!"

do you understand me?

[stillafool]

But what do you guys think i should do now? he still got his exes on facebok. i feel i might be immature if i delete him there? i can just unfollow but then i might secretly hoping he regain interest by posting things like when i get a job, driving licence, perhaps pictures of me looking good etc just for him to hopefully want me back </3

 

No. When a man dumps you pick up your pride and move on. You barely know this guy. He said you were beautiful so use it to get with someone who wants you. He was very clear with you.

[aSadGirl]

No. When a man dumps you pick up your pride and move on. You barely know this guy. He said you were beautiful so use it to get with someone who wants you. He was very clear with you.

 

But i feel know him very well since we spoke every day through text/pics/long phonecalls..

 

I dont want to be with somebody else! I felt he is the one. I want him to want me back..

 

 

i tried uploading a creative gift i created this morning and he were the first one to look at it! + i got many compliments from friends for it..

so now i know he never removed me as a friend on snapchat yet at least since he could see my story i put to "everyone" to be able to look at this time (to see if he would take the bait and he did instantly).

 

Im trying to "upgrade" myself but i find it hard. Last night i had som "manic episode just feeling happy/numb/not crying in a strange way. perhaps cause i cleaned, did grocery shopping, read tips about this, did the creative stupp and took a bath but its not likely to work more to do just this... i know my friends want to party on christmas and then there is new years eve - should i really go to the place my friends AND HIM might be on? How do i handle bumping into him?

Im thinking about dying my hair blond (im brunette).. i just want to make some changes.. and show him im a new better version of myself but i know it might take longer than 2 weeks

especially for the bigger things like getting a job, driving licence and truely realisze my mistakes i did to never repeat them again... ;(

 

I only slept 3 hours and feel very drained and down now. not crying but my friends are starting to ask how the dates went.. im happy they support me but i still feel im starting to miss him like a drug addict would since before these 3 days we havent spoken we spoke every day almost for 2 months.. and i miss that, but i guess he doesn´t want to continue.

 

Please do you or somebody got any advice on how to get him back through text or something ? I even thought about going to his house and being a"dominatrix" (he said he never tried sex like that but wants to..) fulfilling his fantasy and get together... but i know i would look crazy + he is abroad on work and to family over christmas so he is only hoom in 1+ weeks from now

 

please do you or somebody got any good tips on how i get him back!?

[elaine567]

"I have something I need to get rid of from my heart and something I've been thinking about for some time. You have asked at times if there is something wrong, and I have not been able to define it, but now I feel it's time. You and I have very good chemistry when it comes to our conversations and we are having fun together. But I feel I'm not at the same level, emotionally, as you. It has come to my attention that you are looking for a relationship, a partner, and unfortunately, it's something I'm very far from and nothing I´m looking for :/ Given that I recently came out of a relationship, I'm in full sight of myself, as you probably noticed, and I'm not ready for a relationship, or dating too seriously. To me, unfortunately, it takes too much energy to have regular contact and socialize in a structured way. The reason I lift this is because I have to take my responsibility. You are a very nice and fragile person who deserves to meet a guy who can give you all the things you want in life, and I do not want to put you in an emotionally exposed situation. We've had a lot of fun together but I do not see that it can continue given that we are so different in this matter, I do not want to hurt you ? I'm terribly sad for this and it receives extremely much! But if we continue like this, feelings will grow stronger and then it will get worse. I understand if this was unexpected, but I did not find a better opportunity to say this ? Hope you understand ❤ Hug"

 

^^^ He has made it perfectly clear to you how he feels.

You may feel he is "the one", that is not how he feels about you, far from it. Seems to me he either wants to get back with his ex or he wants to play the field - neither option includes you.

 

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Wallysbears]

He has been very clear that he is not into you.

 

If you continue to talk to him or bother him or follow him around on social media, etc. then you will truly make this much worse.

 

Have you thought of talking to a therapist? It sounds as though you have some of your own emotional baggage to work through if you are thinking so much about this guy. You mention that you had a "manic" episode - do you have bipolar and/or have you talked to a doctor about it?

 

This is way too much emotional energy for a person you've only met a few times.

[Kamille]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can feel how much this hurt and unsettled you. I've been there before. It's tough.

 

 

I only slept 3 hours and feel very drained and down now. not crying but my friends are starting to ask how the dates went.. im happy they support me but i still feel im starting to miss him like a drug addict would since before these 3 days we havent spoken we spoke every day almost for 2 months.. and i miss that, but i guess he doesn´t want to continue.

 

 

You miss him like a drug addict because that's how the human brain is designed. Hearing from someone we like ignites the same reward centres in the brain as drugs do. So yes, you are effectively in withdrawal from him right now.

 

Ride it through. Your sanity will return. Don't give in to your impulse to negotiate your way to one more "hit".

 

Work yourself (back) to being a confident woman. That means accepting that he can like you but not want something serious with you. That means knowing that one man not liking you takes absolutely nothing away from you.

 

I especially like the advice Morello gave you. Go reread it. Who do you want to be when you next run into him? Someone desperately trying to impress him with a new haircut or what have you, or someone calm, who has accepted what he's said, who believe in herself and has moved on?

[ExpatInItaly]

Please do you or somebody got any advice on how to get him back through text or something ? I even thought about going to his house and being a"dominatrix" (he said he never tried sex like that but wants to..) fulfilling his fantasy and get together... but i know i would look crazy + he is abroad on work and to family over christmas so he is only hoom in 1+ weeks from now

 

please do you or somebody got any good tips on how i get him back!?

 

You can't. When someone doesn't want to be with you, what you text isn't going to make a difference. Neither is dying your hair or showing up unannounced and uninvited dressed as a dominatrix. I cringed reading that, simply because it demonstrates the desperation you're feeling. It would be extremely transparent to him, too, and is likely to cause him to cut you off completely.

 

Ultimately, as I said before, until you get your own emotional landscape sorted out, you will continue to experience this type of short-lived fling again and again. Chagning your hair colour or trying to fulfill a sexual fantasy does nothing to address the real underlying issues evident both in this thread and your previous ones. There is an obvious pattern here, OP.

[preraph]

Then by all means ghost his butt, but if you're going to do it, you need to do it thoroughly so he gets the message and CAN'T contact you. Block his number, get off his social media and block him on yours. Send that message loud and clear and you'll never be bothered by him again.

[aSadGirl]

^^^ He has made it perfectly clear to you how he feels.

You may feel he is "the one", that is not how he feels about you, far from it. Seems to me he either wants to get back with his ex or he wants to play the field - neither option includes you.

 

Grieve, heal and move on.

 

He has been very clear that he is not into you.

 

If you continue to talk to him or bother him or follow him around on social media, etc. then you will truly make this much worse.

 

Have you thought of talking to a therapist? It sounds as though you have some of your own emotional baggage to work through if you are thinking so much about this guy. You mention that you had a "manic" episode - do you have bipolar and/or have you talked to a doctor about it?

 

This is way too much emotional energy for a person you've only met a few times.

 

 

1 Week from his message I responded "Hey, sorry for late reply, ive been busy with a lot of things and didnt want to write something on a whim, but I understand you.

I´m here if there is something"

 

He saw it and havent contacted me at all.. i expected him to at least say something like "Thanks. Merry Christmas and a Happy new year!" but he havent said a word.

Strange behaviour though is that he seems so curious and always watches whatever i post on my snapchat first of all persons!

Even on New Year´s Eve he was the first to watch all i posted untill 10PM when i think he went to meet up with our mutual friends at a place for celebration..

I wish i could intepret his couriosity like he is still interested but i got a feeling you all would disagree since he havent contacted me since his dumping 3 weeks ago. And since my message 2 weeks ago we have had no contact...

 

I dont want to let go though.. i still feel he might been the love of my life! We had extremely lot in common and i could really see myself being with him forever.

I feel humiliated he didnt even call me to say this.. he lowered in my eyes by sending a text - not asking any questions and basically not let me vent..

 

Im trying to move on and show that im the opposite of fragile - that im strong, happy, beautiful and smart independent woman (on the pictures and such he sees though my story on Snapchat he watches every other day despite ive removed him as a friend there but he still can see my story..)

but is it enough to bring him back? I really wish he could just regret his descison.

What if i go on a date and post a picture of a guy and his arm + 2 wine-glasses with the text "Datenight " ????

There is a guy wanting to give me a drink or so soon and get to know me a bit. I dont think im that interested but to try to make "my ex" jealous and regret his dismissal + hurry to get me back im willing to do almost anything!

What do you think of this ideá? Please help! He is so special for me <3

Ive talked to thereapists before but they dont help and the ones that does cost too much, im pretty broke now so i cant buy such expensive treatments..

 

+

 

Work yourself (back) to being a confident woman. That means accepting that he can like you but not want something serious with you. That means knowing that one man not liking you takes absolutely nothing away from you.

I especially like the advice Morello gave you. Go reread it. Who do you want to be when you next run into him? Someone desperately trying to impress him with a new haircut or what have you, or someone calm, who has accepted what he's said, who believe in herself and has moved on?

Thanks but this is not the first one dumping me saying he doesnt want anything serious. ive heard such before and those times it was that the guy had someone else on the side they later got more serious with over time..It really hurts that im only "good enough for something UN-serious" ;( ive tried so position myself as a high value woman deserving of a real good man and no more hurting yet i get dumped again..

I want to be the later you gave example of IF that would help me get his interest back, if he only gets a "relief" that he doesnt have to have bad conscience over our "breakup" cause i seem so "happy" then i dont feel i gained much at all I just want him back.

 

. There is an obvious pattern here, OP.

I know, but i dont know how to break it or even what im doing wrong. I just want to be able to be myself in a relationship and loved for whom i am, not some "cool laidback girl who seems to not try to hard and therefore get attention cause i seem so chill" - its not me.. i wish i could contact him everyday without it being a problem for example.. i wish i could be a bit "needy" and seek validation without it scaring the guy away.. but i guess i cant,so i have to fake me to be someone else in order to get a guy´s love?

 

Then by all means ghost his butt, but if you're going to do it, you need to do it thoroughly so he gets the message and CAN'T contact you. Block his number, get off his social media and block him on yours. Send that message loud and clear and you'll never be bothered by him again.

Ghost him ? Why? i want him to bother me, i want him to come back to me.. that why i wrote in a short message that i understand him and "im here if he wants to say something" so he feels free to contact me, if he ever wants.. </3

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not interested, OP.

 

Sure, he's curious and looks at what you post. Many on social media do this. Given that he hasn't been in touch, though, I wouldn't take it as anything more than just that - curiosity.

 

Since you asked, what you're doing wrong is putting the cart before the horse and getting attached too quickly. You seem to build up a fantasy love story that is out of proportion with the reality of the situation. Heck, you're calling this guy the love of your life when you've only been on two dates with him. It's too much, and the guys you go out with probably sense this and back away.

 

What have your therapists recommended, and have you followed their suggestions?