middle aged marriage advise needed

[schlumpy]

To go, or not to go to the lake for a week holiday.

What do use guys think?

 

In my opinion, he is asking you there so he isolate you from other influences be that friends, family or law enforcement. He's going to nice you back because it's worked before.

 

If you decide to go, then at least make sure someone you trust knows where you are and that you check in with them at agreed upon intervals.

 

Best Wishes

[S2B]

No. To go would be rewarding bad behavior.

 

If he intends to repair what he has ruined he should get home and start counseling immediately. Learn to communicate. Learn to respect.

Learn to honor. Learn how to control his anger.

 

Why would you even consider going? That’s his way of manipulating you. He will get the idea he needs to do nothing except take you away for a week and all is well.

 

Make him rent an apartment for six months until he shows evidence he’s changing... for the better!

 

 

This is just another avoiding tactic by him to make sure you’re still all ok with his abuse. Don’t fall for his crap.

[preraph]

Anger management works best on those with frequent hot tempers who verbally lose it to get their way. It's no guarantee on someone who thinks it's okay to get physically abusive. And you should know that some people feel they can't control their rage and do have remorse and are sorry -- every time they hit you. Those people have rage going back to their younger years and things trigger it -- but that doesn't mean you should stick around and put up with it! It's just part of the cycle of abuse.

 

Others don't even have remorse about it. He doesn't even sound like he has true remorse. He just thinks you should go back to normal and put up with this.

[preraph]

Also, have you thought about this: He may just want you to go up there to clean up the mess.

 

 

Also, keep in mind that some part of him LIKES that now you are afraid of him. He's hoping that will keep you in line in the future.

[lostsoul2019]

First, when he gets home, there will be a serious decision.

Depending on what he says to me and what his plans are to change, i may or may not go to the lake.

 

There is no isolation at the lake. There are piles of people all around everywhere and we have great neighbors close nearby. Its not a wilderness campground!

 

If something happens there i know a ton of people very well there.

We have wifi at the lake and cell phones.

 

I would rather try and work through this.

 

I got kicked once. Lets not paint this as life long abuse.

 

Advise on working through this would be great guys. Thanks.

[elaine567]

Plenty men who abuse women do not have anger issues, they are perfectly capable of controlling their anger, they are selective with their "anger". Wives/gfs/partners/children... are the focus for their anger.

Some put on a show of anger, but it is a sham, they are not angry, they can turn off and on their "anger" like a tap...

[S2B]

Oh ok - I see you are bending to suit his wishes now.

 

Well.... to be honest - he won’t change - or rather don’t expect him to change at all - if he’s comfortable = he’s not going to change.

 

He might change if he’s scared you will divorce him.

 

But it looks likenow you’re willing to make this easy for him to tug sweep. Anything he says is just words at this point. New (changed) action (long term) is what’s needed now.

 

Going to the lake is just a bunch of manipulation and cover up. You saying he only kicked me is just justifying his bad behavior. He’s done way more than kick you!

 

 

 

A serious question now... why are you making excuses for his bad behavior now?

 

Why would you go back to a man who disrespects and manipulates you?

[preraph]

I know of no way to work through being abused except to just resign yourself that you are going to stay and take it. Because by staying, that is the message you send. It is also the message you send to any kids or grandkids. Good luck.

[S2B]

Going to the lake with him means he gets what he wants. It sends a strong message that you forgive him all the while he hasn’t done the work necessary to change.

 

Tell him to stay there and find a good counselor.

[Beendaredonedat]

Op: You've been this man's wife for 20 years and in that time he's never hit you. I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway). This was most likely a one off wherein he lashed out uncharacteristically and is now seemingly remorseful for his actions and how they have made you feel undervalued and frightened.

 

I am not down playing domestic abuse but I do believe that there has been a run-away-train in this thread that has you more scared and fearful than you were right after the incident. This, by all accounts is a one off and I think that you should treat it as such when he gets home tonite. You have said yourself that if it ever happens again,you will indeed call the police and press charges so just see how things are tonite when he gets home.

 

In the meantime, It would, IMO, be a good idea for you to decide, perhaps with the help of a therapist, if you want to go forward with him or leave him because his kick was the stick that broke the camels back.

 

Saying this, I know will likely make me some enemies here however: This "train" I'm reading makes a mockery of actual domestic abuse and the damaging physical and emotional affects it has on its victims. Was he wrong, of course he was and he should be made aware that it will never happen again or he will face the consequences of his actions. It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you.

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[preraph]

I don't know anyone who stayed with someone who hit them and only got hit one and done.

[Beendaredonedat]

That doesn't mean it doesn't happen

[preraph]

Who wants to worry about that every day?

 

You can try calling the National Domestic Violence 800 number and see what they recommend in the way of working through it.

 

1-800-799-7233

[schlumpy]

I'm glad to hear that the cabin is not isolated and that you are confident that help is nearby.

 

What I'm trying to focus on is what you said you want and that's a way to resolve this matter without him going to jail or you leaving the marriage. That's a tall order considering what he's done.

 

You want to keep everything and not get put in the hospital so, you need a solution that gives you leverage that he would be inclined to respect.

 

Pressure could be put on him by the family if they understand what the problem is and are willing to help. Are you able to make them understand the situation? That may be enough leverage if he doesn't want to disappoint them. This is one path you could explore.

 

My legal background is very thin but I'm wondering if an enforceable legal contract could be drawn up between you and him by a lawyer that he would respect. I'm not sure if this is doable sans law enforcement but it could not hurt to talk this over with a lawyer and see what they could offer. I feel he needs to worry about other people keeping an eye on him on your behalf.

 

You can use yourself as leverage in that you threaten to leave if he doesn't get help. Effective leverage? Only you know for sure.

 

Show him the police number on the speed dial and explain what happens if he crosses the physical line again. As you proved once before with your fake phone call he does fear this so, it is very effective leverage.

 

I welcome additions to these ideas from other forum participants. I certainly don't claim to have the clearest head in the room.

 

 

Best Wishes

[S2B]

Op: You've been this man's wife for 20 years and in that time he's never hit you. I don't think he'll ever hit you again (hope not anyway). This was most likely a one off wherein he lashed out uncharacteristically and is now seemingly remorseful for his actions and how they have made you feel undervalued and frightened.

 

I am not down playing domestic abuse but I do believe that there has been a run-away-train in this thread that has you more scared and fearful than you were right after the incident. This, by all accounts is a one off and I think that you should treat it as such when he gets home tonite. You have said yourself that if it ever happens again,you will indeed call the police and press charges so just see how things are tonite when he gets home.

 

In the meantime, It would, IMO, be a good idea for you to decide, perhaps with the help of a therapist, if you want to go forward with him or leave him because his kick was the stick that broke the camels back.

 

Saying this, I know will likely make me some enemies here however: This "train" I'm reading makes a mockery of actual domestic abuse and the damaging physical and emotional affects it has on its victims. Was he wrong, of course he was and he should be made aware that it will never happen again or he will face the consequences of his actions. It is not, anything like a case of domestic abuse that would warrant the attention its been given here and the fear its invoked in you.

 

Yes, you certainly are down playing abuse.

 

You are here calling this a one off with certainty. How can you know that?

 

With any abuse... to err on the side of caution and safety is CRITICAL.

 

You stating that this isn’t so bad is very naive and completely misdirected.

 

She should be brave and smart. This is a man who claimed to love her yet caused harm and became violent with her.

 

And you’re making excuses for his behavior. Hmmm

[S2B]

What changed your mind? He hasn’t done anything to prove he’s a changed man. Maybe he’s used soft and fluffy words - but that doesn’t mean he has done the necessary work.

 

Yesterday you were considering calling the police to file charges - today you’re considering spending a week with him at the lake?

 

What happened to change your mind?

[preraph]

Look, I understand the reaction to say this hadn't happened in 20 years, but as a child who grew up worrying every time my parents raised my voice that someone was going to get hurt, I can only assure you that the worst part of physical abuse isn't being hit. It's the fear that will never go away and never feeling secure again knowing that it can (and usually does) happen. This is something you haven't had time to experience yet. The dread. Finding yourself not speaking out, out of fear, worrying about closing your eyes at night after a disagreement.

 

Issues like this get worse as a person gets older, not better. You have to worry about getting old with them. Most old folks lose their filter at some point and with someone with violence in them when they don't get their way, self-control is no longer an option.

[S2B]

Michelle,

 

This is his pattern. He deals with things this way all the time.

I am expected to just pretend it never happened, shut my mouth and carry on.

This is a learned behaviour, his parents are the same way.

 

There has never been physical violence before, but he does have a nasty temper and when he gets mad he has been violent with household objects, breaking them and such, but he has never hit me before. this is the first time.

I don't ever want this to happen again, that is why I came here for advise.

 

To be honest, this has flooded me, as I am in shock he would ever do this to me.

 

No, I don't really want to leave him. We do have a great life, otherwise.

 

Would like to work it out. Just not this weekend around his entire family.

 

Throwing objects and raising of voice IS violence.

 

Make no mistake about it.

 

And it’s completely unacceptable behavior. Which he thinks is normal - it’s not ok and it’s NOT normal.

 

And he can’t unlearn it over night. So there’s nothing to even consider as far as having him around you.

 

He should “earn” your respect and trust back.

 

And until he does (with action not words) there is good reason to not be alone with him until he does the work to change himself.

[Beendaredonedat]

Look, I understand the reaction to say this hadn't happened in 20 years, but as a child who grew up worrying every time my parents raised my voice that someone was going to get hurt, I can only assure you that the worst part of physical abuse isn't being hit. It's the fear that will never go away and never feeling secure again knowing that it can (and usually does) happen. This is something you haven't had time to experience yet. The dread. Finding yourself not speaking out, out of fear, worrying about closing your eyes at night after a disagreement.

Op: Have you been experiencing these feelings during your marriage?

 

Issues like this get worse as a person gets older, not better. You have to worry about getting old with them. Most old folks lose their filter at some point and with someone with violence in them when they don't get their way, self-control is no longer an option.

That remains to be seen in this instance. Op has vowed to report him to the police if it happens again. If it does happen again then she has enough knowledge to know what she has to do.

 

What changed your mind? He hasn’t done anything to prove he’s a changed man. Maybe he’s used soft and fluffy words - but that doesn’t mean he has done the necessary work.

 

Yesterday you were considering calling the police to file charges - today you’re considering spending a week with him at the lake?

 

What happened to change your mind?

Common sense? She knows projection when she sees it? Love of a man she's likely enjoyed 20 years with? Due to their history as a couple, is willing to not make a hasty decision on a one off? My guesses anyway... Op; What say you?

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[S2B]

Been there

 

I think it’s obvious from what the Op typed this isn’t an isolated instance. Maybe for striking her - but not for the abuse.

 

Love doesn’t look like this. Abuse does.

 

Every abuser needs a victim. Why encourage this poster to go back for more of his brand of abuse?

[elaine567]

This is his pattern. He deals with things this way all the time.

I am expected to just pretend it never happened, shut my mouth and carry on.

This is a learned behaviour, his parents are the same way.

There has never been physical violence before, but he does have a nasty temper and when he gets mad he has been violent with household objects, breaking them and such

 

Does this sound like a happy enjoyable marriage? Really????

"I am expected to just pretend it never happened. Shut my mouth and carry on" - great fun.

Throwing and breaking things in anger is considered physical abuse.

Minimising will not help the OP.

Most on here who have been abused or actually know about abuse, would tell her to run and fast. Most wish they had done so right at the start...

[preraph]

I've read that abused women often try to leave an average of nine times before they're successful.

 

I like to think those are women who haven't educated themselves about the pattern of domestic violence.

Edited July 21, 2019 by preraph

[Beendaredonedat]

You don't know me very well. If you'd read my posts, you'd know part of my personal experience is from growing up with it, not from marriage. The other part is from knowing a lot about domestic violence from a whole lot of reading, as well as knowing about criminal psychology from decades of reading. Another part of my knowledge is from over the years having friends in abusive relationships.

 

No man has ever hit me and I am 66, so I'd say I did pretty well knowing how to navigate these situations.

 

This situation, this thread is not about what You went through growing up. No offence, and I'm sure you've availed yourself of the materials to educate yourself on domestic violence etc but that does not mean that what this Op when through is going to continue. If this was a short term marriage I may agree with you on it "going to happen again" but under these circumstances, my bet is on it will not. However, if it does, then the op knows that she will report him to the police and she will leave him so there isn't any further point trying to convince her to leave a two decade marriage over one incidence.

 

Just my opinion, and I respect yours. That is the beauty of these forums, there is always more than one opinion for the Op to mull over and make her decisions from.

 

Cheers!

[Beendaredonedat]

Every abuser needs a victim. Why encourage this poster to go back for more of his brand of abuse?

She hasn't left him so it's not a point of going back.

[preraph]

This situation, this thread is not about what You went through growing up. No offence, and I'm sure you've availed yourself of the materials to educate yourself on domestic violence etc but that does not mean that what this Op when through is going to continue. If this was a short term marriage I may agree with you on it "going to happen again" but under these circumstances, my bet is on it will not. However, if it does, then the op knows that she will report him to the police and she will leave him so there isn't any further point trying to convince her to leave a two decade marriage over one incidence.

 

Just my opinion, and I respect yours. That is the beauty of these forums, there is always more than one opinion for the Op to mull over and make her decisions from.

 

Cheers!

 

I don't respect yours. I think maybe you're the one projecting.