middle aged marriage advise needed

[Mr. Lucky]

I thought our marriage was really good other than his temper issue.

 

I've seen a number of similar things written here - "I thought our marriage was really good other than his infidelity", etc. That's why these things are called dealbreakers.

 

lostsoul2019, understand that you don't have to let the process play out and a divorce become final. But I do think filing is the only way he can understand what's at stake here.

 

Do the two of you work together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Most often physical abuse gets worse not better. Your lack of action let him know this behavior is now acceptable. Sorry but I hope you haven't set yourself up for more.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Michelle,

 

This is his pattern. He deals with things this way all the time.

I am expected to just pretend it never happened, shut my mouth and carry on.

This is a learned behaviour, his parents are the same way.

 

There has never been physical violence before, but he does have a nasty temper and when he gets mad he has been violent with household objects, breaking them and such, but he has never hit me before. this is the first time.

I don't ever want this to happen again, that is why I came here for advise.

 

To be honest, this has flooded me, as I am in shock he would ever do this to me.

 

No, I don't really want to leave him. We do have a great life, otherwise.

 

Would like to work it out. Just not this weekend around his entire family.

 

Having worked in the domestic abuse field for many years, I can tell you that the fact that he already has anger issues and is both verbally and emotionally abusive and now feels “comfortable” enough to physically assault you tells me this WILL happen again. I’ve seen it time and time again.

 

As for having an wonderful life otherwise, that is spoken like someone eyeball deep in an abusive relationship. The honeymoon period is part and parcel of the whole experience. It’s aimed at keeping you stuck in the relationship where you look forward to the good times and cling to them for dear life to justify what you’re going through and make sense of your life with such a man.

 

These are hard facts you need to consider seriously.

 

If I were you, I would seek out some counselling if only for yourself. I would also watch closely his escalating anger and violence which is inevitable. You need to let someone else know what’s going on in order to help you now and when things get out of control.

 

Abuse is indeed a learned behaviour. As is passivity. Someone needs to break the cycle. Love isn’t suppose to look, sound or feel like this.

[BaileyB]

Brilliant post Michelle.

 

OP, i’m sure it must be hard to wrap your brain around the thought that the man you loved is abusive. Michelle’s advice to get yourself some counselling is good. If you can’t afford/don’t have access to counselling, considering calling a domestic violence hotline or visiting a women’s shelter.

 

Sadly, this type of thing is not likely to get better. This man is emotional abusive and now you know, he is physically abusive as well. He has crossed this line and if you decide to stay, you will be teaching him that this kind of behavior is acceptable. I hope you find the strength to show him - violence against a woman of any kind is never acceptable. Best wishes.

[lostsoul2019]

Thanks everyone.

 

He has sent several texts from the lake telling me how much he loves me and is sorry and wants me to drive out to the lake.

 

I have been ignoring his texts.

[d0nnivain]

Don't go to the lake.

 

If there is any hope of fixing this he must take anger management classes.

[Beendaredonedat]

Thanks everyone.

 

He has sent several texts from the lake telling me how much he loves me and is sorry and wants me to drive out to the lake.

 

I have been ignoring his texts.

 

Why ignore them? Just tell him: "I'll not be coming out to the lake. We will discuss further when you are home."

 

If you are afraid of him like some are suggesting you are then ignoring him could put him in a very foul mood before you even get a chance to discuss this further like two adults.

[lostsoul2019]

He is probably texting to help make himself feel better and the only reason he would want me at the lake is to make himself look good.

Why should he get a break on feeling good? I hope this ruins his entire weekend!

[oldlion]

I worked 20 years dealing with criminals who abused their family, or murdered their spouse, to thief, even one who put his young toddler in a bath of scalding water to "teach him a lesson." You name the crime and I have dealt with the criminal. First, the kick you received was an assault. Instead of pretending to call the police you should have actually called them. He would have found himself behind bars for at least a night, or more, until he was arraigned or you dropped charges and he was released. Nothing wakes a normal person up to their wrongs faster than a night in a city or county jail. Take several pictures, at different angles, of the bruise on your leg. You may need them later on. Although he has never hit you, and may never do so again, but the chances he will do so again just went up with the kick, especially if there are no consequences. He needs to totally understand what will happen if there is ever any more violence toward you. I love my children and would die in their place but there is no way in h*ll I would take their side against my wife. If you are sitting at home and he is at the lake with his family then he just told you who was the most important in his life. He should be made aware that after 20 years of marriage, if you leave you will walk away with half of everything and if he make more money than you there is alimony also. Hey, you may even be given the new boat and trailer in the settlement. When he returns with the trailer dirty from dog hair, mud, sand, and anything else dirty from the lake, do not, and I repeat, do not clean one thing. He went , he gets to do all the cleaning. If he doesn't clean it then it stays dirty. He obviously doesn't know how much power a 20 year marriage and his nasty temper gives you. Leave the phone book open where he can see it and have several divorce attorneys phone numbers circled. How he reacts after seeing that will tell you tons about him. You have power and the law on your side. Use them. Have no discussion with him unless it is civil and without yelling or name calling. Make him understand this before the discussion begins and inform him you will walk away if such begins.

In our younger days, my wife told her friends that she kept me on the straight and narrow with three heart felt little words. The friends said, "The three little words are "I love you". My wife said nope. The three words are alimony, child support. LOL I do wish you well.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope this ruins his entire weekend!

 

Michelle used "passivity", a perfect word to describe your mindset.

 

You need to think bigger picture than this weekend if you're going to prevent this from happening again. You seem a little numb to the gravity of the situation here, though I understand there's a lot to process.

 

When the weekend's over, what's going to happen Monday?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostsoul2019]

I have been doing nothing but try and process this whole thing.

Still a bit unsure what to say to him when he comes home sunday night.

I dont want any more arguing.

 

Assuming by how he was texting me while at the lake, tells me things have not sunk in on his end either.

While i am happy for him that he got to spend time with his family, at the same time i am totally hurt and disgusted by the fact they were more important after he decided to kick me. I still cannot believe he left, and does not seem too concerned about that either.

 

So, i struggle with what to say or do when he graces my presence tomorrow evening. I would be lying if i said i was not scared.

 

I do not think he will hit or kick again. If he does, its pressing charges time all the way 100 percent.

 

He is a big biz owner and very active community member.

This will not look very good for him if that happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Pretty clear what you don’t want -

- more arguing

- any scary confrontation

- press charges now

 

What do you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostsoul2019]

Mr. Lucky

 

I really dont know what i want.

 

Is it fair to wait and see what comes of his arrival home and take it from there?

 

If its bad, yes i will press charges, of course!

I may still press charges anyway, i have not decided yet.

 

Dont think i am taking this lightly, because i am not.

[S2B]

When my exhusband hit me, I left and stayed with a friend for a week. The next time, I fought him back, called the police and had him removed from the home. The fact that he kicked you and never apologized is alarming.

 

 

 

I would have a serious conversation when he gets back. It sounds like you are married to a man who has very little respect for you. The potential for him attacking you again physically is high.

 

I agree. Don’t be home when he gets back. I don’t think he’s going to understand how serious this violation is until you start speaking up!andalao until he is scared $hitless that he’s going to lose you and everything he’s worked for.

 

He doesn’t respect you — that is a huge problem t - a problem he obviously doesn’t intend to change.

 

You know how you feel... I was you 15 years ago. I had been with my exH 27 years. We had an amazing life... but he would lose his temper and mistreat me.he also didn’t want to talk through what he had done wrong.

 

One time, when my kids were very young - he literally almost beat the crap out of me because I was pointing out that my step son seemed to be having a drug problem and I wanted him to consider getting him help. (Turns out he’s a meth and heroin addict) - my ex didn’t want to hear one bit of anything bad about his family. He literally through me around the room like a rag doll. I couldn’t sit down for weeks. He never apologized.

 

My Mom came over and told me I HAD to stay with him because I had small kids - I will never forgive her for that advice.

 

I’ve learned to have a voice.you can too. Tell him how you feel!!! And IF you can’t or he won’t hear you - thenleave him!

 

Life is too short to allow anyone to harmyou and disrespect you! He crossed a line that he never should have crossed! And both of you avoiding talking about what is real is terribly unhealthy!

 

It was many years later that I changed the locks and told my ex not to come home - I had found out he was cheating.

 

Many times his anger was him feeling guilty about cheating - he would lash out at me. He could literally pick a fight with himself and blame it on me. It was crazy!

 

I’m so happy to be away from that abuse. It’s a freedom I could never imagine!

 

Don’t be afraid to leave him. And don’t be afraid to speak your truth byhaving a voice. Stop staying silent! That means you agree with him!

 

If needed - tell him not to come home! Start taking yourpiwer back - it is time for you to regain your power you’ve been handing to him.

 

He’s a jerk! He doesn’t respect and honor you!

 

If he doesn’t completely change by admitting what a jerk he’s been - you really have nothing to work with.

 

I can tell you - nothing is wrong with divorcingwhensomeone mistreatsyou (he will do it again).

 

I have found a LOT of happiness and freedom since divorcing. Nothing is worse than staying for more abuse. Don’t betray yourself.

 

Call him up and remind him he crossed the line! You’re not having it anymore and unless he gets serious help and changes you don’t expect to stay with him one more week!

[S2B]

Love doesn’t include being afraid of your partner.

 

Take charge! If you’re scared tell him to take a hike to the nearest hotel!

 

He’s not worried about abusing you - why do you need to worry about howhe feels?

 

He seems narcissistic and unremorseful. Narcissistic types rarely change.

 

Do a thorough assessment of who he actually is and what you want for yourself - then take action - make sure the action is designed to protect yourself.

 

Stay strong girl!! You can stand up for yourself!!!

[S2B]

I have been thinking a lot about what steps he would need to take to make good of this.

 

Other than counseling and changed ongoing behavior long term , i don't know what else to expect really.

 

This is the first time i have been hit by a man.

 

I thought our marriage was really good other than his temper issue.

 

No you didn’t.

 

You stated you also had communication problems

He disrespects you by making decisions without consulting your input

He sides with his kids over you

He doesn’t value your opinion (how you want to keep the furniture clean/nice)

He has an ego problem

He needs tons of professional help

You need help to start standing up for yourself...havinga voice - speaking up about how you feel

He blatantly abuses you

He disregards you like you’re a space to care for him

 

Why did you say you thought you had a good marriage?

 

Why are you closing your eyes to reality?

 

 

I hope you will also get professional help. I had to go every day for a year to get the help I needed. I think you need a trauma counselor to help with the delusions you’ve been telling yourself.

[elaine567]

You won't press charges, you will be too scared to do so... for fear of his wrath and losing what you have.

You are still at the stage where you think this is a one off... a moment of insanity...

You will do a cost benefit analysis - "staying" wins at the moment.

 

It is like so many "dealbreakers" in long marriages.

If he ever does "this" - I will walk immediately..

No you won't, you may do eventually but it may take a long time.

Time wasted actually.

 

He will come home and either act like nothing happened or fling an apology in your direction and then he will promptly forget, as it is all sorted as far as he is concerned...

 

You will not want to push him again for fear of him hitting you, you may test the waters a bit, but as for actually standing up against him like you did at the lake, you will not do that again. Fear will keep you in place.

For some men that is almost enough, the anger and violence was there to shut you up, once shut up and compliant, he will leave you be, at last temporarily.

But the threat is always there and you live wondering when he will explode again.

 

For other men the anger and violence is designed to be cruel to you, he likes abusing you, it makes him feel powerful and better about himself.

Sometimes abusive men are not even angry, they put on a show to scare you. They know the anger gets them results.

You doing as you are told and giving him his own way is what he wants.

 

He has a long history of anger against you and throwing things and has now actually hit you, so for you to assume this is a one off is madness, understandable maybe but still madness.

He has been emotionally abusing you for years and you have put up with it, and now it has turned physical, how much more are you willing to put up with?

How bad does it need to get?

[schlumpy]

Love doesn’t include being afraid of your partner.

 

Thank you for allowing me a glimpse inside an abusive relationship. I found it quite moving. I wonder what happens to those who don't have your inner strength to brave the fire. Who come out on the other side broken instead of reforged.

 

If you had someone shouting out at you during that awful phase of your life like you are at Lost soul, do you think you would have listened? This isn't a criticism but curiosity on my part about the mind set.

 

Best Wishes

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it fair to wait and see what comes of his arrival home and take it from there?

 

lostsoul2019, this obviously moves at your pace. It's your life, your dignity, your future.

 

But you've now lost any air of uncertainty, no more wondering what he'll do when he gets really angry at you. Now you know he'll take that next step, it's no longer just emotional abuse or intimidation, physical violence is now an option.

 

You're obviously scared of him - as you should be, an unsustainable dynamic for a marriage.

 

The question I think you should be asking in this - what takes the fear away? What makes you feel safe, comfortable and secure?

 

Were it me, that's the direction I'd head...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

lostsoul2019

 

Please keep us updated. I am afraid for you about what's going to happen when hubby gets home from the lake. Obviously he's going to be mad that you didn't come crawling when he bellowed.

 

Please protect yourself. An irate spouse can inflict a LOT of damage in the minutes it takes the cops to respond to a 911 call.

[S2B]

Thank you for allowing me a glimpse inside an abusive relationship. I found it quite moving. I wonder what happens to those who don't have your inner strength to brave the fire. Who come out on the other side broken instead of reforged.

 

If you had someone shouting out at you during that awful phase of your life like you are at Lost soul, do you think you would have listened? This isn't a criticism but curiosity on my part about the mind set.

 

Best Wishes

 

I wish I had someone back then telling me it was ok to leave him. No one gets divorced in my family...

 

Feeling safe and protected is everything. I won’t forfeit that anymore. It’s up to me to set the guidelines/boundary. I have to do this for myself.

 

I hope the OP doesn’t feel obligated to stay with a man who is obviously mistreating her.

 

If he comes home and you don’t feel safe - have a bag packed and leave to stay somewhere else (anywhere else).

 

 

It doesn’t “seem” as if he’s sorry about his behavior - so it’s hard to think he’s likely to change. If he doesn’t change are you planning to stay with him?

[lostsoul2019]

He texted me this morning and said he booked the week off, i should too.

He wants to come get me and take me back to the lake to have a holiday.

He says he wants to show me how much he loves me and make up.

 

Not sure what to think about that idea.

 

Was nice of him to come up with the surprise idea.

Will give him that much.

 

I told him that there would first need to be one heck of a serious sit down discussion with no yelling or any other kind of negative behavior, and if he gets mad, i will be leaving.

I told him what he did was serious and unacceptable and he need to take actions to change. I told him no way he will be brushing this off, that wont happen.

[S2B]

Looks like he’s off to rug sweeping and avoiding conflict. This will never solve the issues you two have.

 

That’s a good start by you. You set the guidelines and the tone. Make demands and stand firm on him changing. If he doesn’t follow through file for divorce.

 

At the moment he may become willing to do the work necessary to change and learn how to have healthy communications with you.

 

He could stay at the lake this week and line up help for himself. That would be a good plan.

 

One thing is for sure... if he doesn’t to everything possible to help you feel safe and protected from his anger - there isn’t any reason to stay with him.

 

He should learn how to communicate effectively and calmly. He needs to learn what it looks like to respect and honor you (discussing plans with you ahead of time and asking for your input/suggestions).

 

Don’t rush to make him feel comfortable. People rarely change while they are comfortable.

 

Take time for yourself and really search your thoughts to see if you even want to consider staying with him.

 

Be firm. If you want time alone - make sure you get it - it helps to have a clear mind.

[lostsoul2019]

He tends to like to avoid serious topics.

 

But i wont let this rest. If he gets mad, he loses and i leave.

End of story

 

I dont plan on forgiving and forgetting this.

 

To go, or not to go to the lake for a week holiday.

What do use guys think?

[preraph]

NO, do not take off to the lake with him. Just tell him no. You will be more isolated up there. Do not do that.

 

As someone who grew up with a dad who hit my mom twice that I know about, I can tell you that you can never feel safe around them again. If my dad got up to go to the restroom at night, I sometimes tiptoed in there to be sure he didn't take his deer rifle out of his closet. You can't feel safe again. Don't stay with him! He thinks he can just be extra nice now and take care of this. Don't do it.