Why?

[ScaryPanda]

That is very true.. describes my last relationship. While I do think we cared about each other, we were definitely addicted to each other, which made it so hard to break up.

 

OP, I hope you don't mind me drifting off a bit here..

 

@Optimystic, what finally pulled the plug? And how long was the relationship anyway?

[samjam7]

I know it's hard. I'm a very sensitive/emotional person (he wasn't) and it really has taken a lot out of me. But it's so important to remember that life is more than being in a romantic relationship.. and the person you were with is but 1 in what, 7 billion? There will be more experiences.. better ones.

 

I have to remind myself of this, too. We have to remember to get back in touch with ourselves.. there was a saying I read recently that spoke to me, along the lines of, "Instead of wondering why they left, focus on what you can put in the space they left behind." It's a hopeful message I think.

 

Finding fulfilling things besides a relationship is important. It's different for everyone. But it's good to explore and see what might be of interest. I hope you can get some good emotional support. Have you thought about counseling? I'm trying to get into some myself, when I get the opportunity. I hear it can be really helpful. **Edit, I saw your above post about not being able to afford it. There are services with sliding scales, though they may be challenging to find. Worth the pursuit imo. In the meantime just keep taking care of yourself. Little things, even if it's just making sure you're getting enough sleep and eating properly. Do something that brings a smile to your face and distracts you from your thoughts for a moment. Watch a funny show. Draw a picture. Go outside and read a book on a park bench, etc. Also if you're dealing with depression, exercise is very good for that. Even a 20 minute walk outside will do wonders. Honestly walking helps keep me sane.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, I'm doing fine. It gets easier with time. It's not all smooth and rosy, but the pain lessons, especially as you occupy yourself with things.. and practice good self care. You will have setbacks, you will miss them sometimes, but you'll also feel free and liberated, and excited about life's possibilities! I think I'm transitioning into that phase.

 

Best of luck to you, stay strong. <3

 

That is a beautiful message! I am happy you have healed so much and that definitely gives me inspiration.

 

The quote you shared is definitely going on my wall

 

I do exercise now. My depression is under control with meds and gyming. But grief is another level hard.

 

I definitely learned not to make a relationship/man center of everything. I have that tendency because as a lover I am a bit obsessive type. I have realized that is my shortcoming.

 

Thank you once again! Best of luck to you as well.

[samjam7]

From personal experience - I was stuck in a painful limbo for two YEARS due to constantly checking up on him and letting him come by for a month or two when he got bored

 

The fact that you're hurting now means you loved him dearly. Even after all he did, your love was still genuine! That's all you could've done and you will come out 10x stronger after all this is over, you're already improving by not reaching out. You know he'd just disrespect you more.

 

Don't burden your mind with what he's doing or what pics he has up on his social media.. If you want to reach peace then hard NC, no online stalking, no reaching out, let yourself cry sometimes but keep yourself busy and improve yourself. Heard someone here say this a while ago, fake it till you make it. And don't you dare consider taking your life over this one man! Take it back instead!!

Yes! Due to my obsessive nature I have that tendency. I remember once I was infatuated with a guy I was hung up on him for very long time because of social media stalking. My ex also has a photography page and that doesn't help either because he uploads frequently. But I need to stop! I know I can do it if I put in the effort. If I can stop myself finally from texting him I know the stalking can stop too.

 

Thank you!!! Now each time I think about the pain and wanting to harm myself I will push myself to "take my life back".

 

And I don't mind your question for Optimystic. I would like to know that too

[megan4321]

I have just read though all the messages and it has helped me very much. I'm going to listen to the Ted talk and listen to death by chocolate.

 

Just getting out of a on/off relationship my self so thanks to all the advice given.

[samjam7]

On/Off relationships are the WORST thing ever. I think they are far worse for mental health than certain one-sided attached FWB relationships. It has been 3 months and I still keep fantasizing about the day when he will again magically realize how much I loved him and come crawling back. I still have a long way to go because I know I will give him benefit of doubt if he wants me back. Honestly, I already had mental health issues and then this relationship has driven me to the point where I am having an existential crisis. I can not focus on anything else like my career. I can not focus on anything else but my breakup.

 

It is so hard to accept that you liked someone so much that they did not even think you were worth saying the truth to. Such is their selfishness.

 

Yet I find myself hoping, waiting and dreaming that this off phase will be on again and magically things will fall into place.

 

This was my very first relationship and to experience this for the very first time really has left me broken. I have realized that in the process of loving him I have stopped loving myself and I have lost myself. I don't know where to find myself again. Moments where I feel worthless and overwhelming emotions when I think how he lied to me makes me think if there is any getting over this.

 

I want to personally congratulate all the people who once loved someone truly and healed their broken hearts.

 

Nothing in my life is right at the moment. I am in grad school away from home in a different country, my parents are paying for my expenses, my grandmother recently passed away, I am jobless and 25. Just studying and trying to survive in a foreign country. On top of this, the only person who I was close to in college has left me nowhere. Betrayed my trust. He did not give me any closure and I know there is no such thing as closure. But yet I don't know if and how much he has lied. My faith in self has also been shaken because if he was a liar then how could I be fooled so easily. If he is not a liar then are my feelings so worthless for him to not realize?

 

All that I did for him did not mean anything to him. How could he be so selfish? That when his own ego got filled and own selfish interest got filled he backed off.

 

I still shed so many tears even after 3 months of NC. This is indeed an extremely challenging phase in my life. I don't know if I am strong enough to survive this.

Edited August 1, 2019 by samjam7

[MINAKO]

What you wrote could be pretty much exactly a letter written by me, only some months ago back in time. I have been in multiple long-distant style relationships and of course, each time I got my heart broken, but, I never knew what real love was until this the start of this year. It was the first time I felt actual dragons in my stomach because he was so beautiful and sweet and kind and hilarious and everything I had ever wanted. The first time I slept with someone. The first time I felt the emotions that I did and loved someone so hard and experienced what falling in love is like.

 

I am leaving out all the details about what happened because they really do not apply here, but wowwwww those after-effects and aftermath are exactly what I went through. Even the studying elsewhere part, literally everything, and my grandmother passed away recently at the end of last year. So, even though my relationship was of a different nature, I can really relate to everything else. I cried so hard, I thought I would not be okay again. I even made the worst mistake of my life, by taking a few old prescription pills in hopes that it would make me feel sleepy like they did in the past, but since those pills do not apply to me anymore, my body had an extreme reaction and I overdosed. Even in that horrifying state, I was thinking to myself “wow, I am really throwing away my life for this guy? I will never find someone like that though” but at least you would think that experience would finally wake me up, right. Wrong! I cried even more, for months. I neglected my studies and even my own health because all that ran through my mind all day long was him. I was always off in some other world with my fantasies, constantly thinking of when he would message me again. I am not even going to bother explaining, but seriously, believe me, I did extremely stupid things to my life because all I could focus on was that one person.

 

It has been 3 months and like a week or so for me since I last saw him. Unfortunately, I have accidentally thrown myself into so much fantasy that I still 100% expect to see him after summer when we are back to our city. Ridiculous, especially since we do not even talk at all. I lost about 10 lbs during all of this and look unhealthy, and told myself I would gain it back in the summer but no, I spent these months crying even more and not having an appetite. Clearly, especially with my expectation of him coming to see me in the future, I am not fully healed from this and live in some level of delusion. However, I have been mentally feeling much better for a few weeks now and have not cried. But, keep in mind that this particular relationship was just a few months long, before we had to leave for the summer. Not 3 years. When I originally answered you, I spoke about my relationship that was equally that long, however, the aftermath matches more this recent one for me.

 

But damn, if I can go from literally dying in my bed, to feeling pretty alright and eating well again, then anything is possible. I loved that boy so much that without him, I questioned the point of life. I swear I have never loved anyone as deeply as I loved him. In my mind, I unfortunately still do believe that I may never meet someone like that and will never love someone as much again, but I had to force myself to get into a busy routine or else my spirit was really going to die. I know how you feel, and in many ways I am still healing too. I do not have exact advice to give here, but know that you will be fine too. It is horrifying but also relieving to know what the human mind is capable of surviving through.

 

I was watching some random break up video that was nothing at all like how my relationship was, but anyway, she said about him: “I am so sorry, for letting you think that you can treat me this way and I am so sorry that you think by my actions that I deserve something like this.” That really woke me up a lot. I deserve just as much love as I give someone. We all do.

 

In other news, once the summer is over and I am back home and he still does not reach out to me, finally my fantasies will crash and I will be right there with you lol. Healing from scratch. It is at least nice to be reminded that you are not alone. However, I have been through such terrible losses over the years that I absolutely know I will be okay, somehow. And because of those experiences, I can tell you that you will too. It is your first wild experience with love like this, but you will also learn in the end that you are much stronger than you ever thought. And I tell myself, that if this is truly the lowest point of my life (which it is for me), then things can only look up from here. That other 3 year relationship took me a year to be okay from, for example, but honestly I felt so good once I healed that even when he came back, I did not accept him. You will get to that level of excellent mental health too. Nothing you can specifically do to hurry up a heart break, but remember that healing is natural, just happens on its own and at its own pace. One day, you will wake up and things will not be like this anymore. It will be so natural, you will not even notice.

[samjam7]

@MINAKO

Wow! This is exactly my story! I have been taking SSRI (antidepressant) for the anxiety of this relationship and all the on/off. And yesterday I swear I thought about increasing the dosage to numb my feelings out but ended up taking Tylenol instead to feel better.

 

The firsts are usually the hardest. Even though you had relationships before but this was the first time you felt like this for someone. It is GREAT that you realize where your problem lies. It becomes easier to solve the problem once you know you have some issue. Can you think of any of his negative traits? You are idealizing him. Maybe he is a nice guy but I am sure has his own flaws. For me right now killing the hope is the hardest part. Once that hope dies that is when I will reach the acceptance stage. Hope lingers because of the number of times he came back and forth.

 

I am glad you are optimistic about getting over this one day slowly but surely. For me, this is a first so I don't know if I will be one of those people who never gets over their ex.

 

We loved them but did not deserve this treatment in return. Makes me realize the world is inherently unfair and you just have to suck all the unfairness up.

[nolanola]

Hi guys, I just wanted to send hugs. I completely understand where each of you are coming from - I have been there. @samjam7, you could have been reading my mind when with what you said in your last post. This line especially: It is so hard to accept that you liked someone so much that they did not even think you were worth saying the truth to. I am pretty sure I've had this same thought. My ex was really shady with me about dating someone new - he still has never acknowledged this to me. I think this hurts the most - that he couldn't even tell me the truth so that I could begin to accept it. Instead, I spent weeks torturing myself and wondering if I was losing my mind.

 

I know how much it hurts. I know that feeling of just wanting them to come back so that everything will be right again. In my case, I don't really know why I would want my ex to come back. I don't think I could ever trust him again, since he hurt me so badly. So why would I want him to come back? I guess so that I wouldn't feel so rejected and hurt? It doesn't make any sense but I understand.

 

@Minako, I have loved your posts. You see like a strong person and I am sure you'll be able to heal from this as well. For me, it's been 9 months and I just recently have been able to accept that it is really over for me and my ex and that he isn't coming back. It was crushing to accept that and to take the blindfold off my eyes. I wanted to believe that maybe this was all temporary and that things would go back to normal after a while. I will remind you of something that you said on an earlier page - to give it a year. I am practicing that advice for myself too and hoping that it will be right in the end, even if I never see or speak to my ex again.

[nolanola]

@samjam7, the death of hope is the hardest part. At least for me it was (or is). The hope sometimes is the last thing connecting you to that person and letting go of it feels like letting go of them. I understand that need and desire to hold onto anything so that you don't have to really let them go.

 

I like what you said about emphasizing their negative qualities. That helps me a lot too. I've had several off and on relationships and I know that feeling that they surely are going to come back and they have every other time. The best thing that ever happened to me with an older relationship was that my ex stayed gone for 3 years. That time allowed me to move on and to get over him. By the time he did come back, I didn't want to speak to him at all. I was strong enough to ignore him. If he had come back sooner, as he had prior to that, I'm sure I would have given in and answered him. Then I would be right back where I started.

 

Stay strong. Do whatever you have to do to stay NC and to let him go. Whatever you have to tell yourself, that's what you need to do. For me, I pictured him wondering why he hadn't heard from me and if I had moved on or if I was with someone new. That helped me to keep from contacting him and breaking that bubble.

[spiritedaway2003]

@nolanola, @samjam7, @MINAKO.

 

All great posts. The "first" of what felt like love everything makes it so hard to let go (even if it's not the first 'relationship'). You wonder if you will ever meet or experience that kind of love again.

 

It is hard I just want to send (((HUGS))) your way.

[samjam7]

@samjam7, the death of hope is the hardest part. At least for me it was (or is). The hope sometimes is the last thing connecting you to that person and letting go of it feels like letting go of them. I understand that need and desire to hold onto anything so that you don't have to really let them go.

 

I like what you said about emphasizing their negative qualities. That helps me a lot too. I've had several off and on relationships and I know that feeling that they surely are going to come back and they have every other time. The best thing that ever happened to me with an older relationship was that my ex stayed gone for 3 years. That time allowed me to move on and to get over him. By the time he did come back, I didn't want to speak to him at all. I was strong enough to ignore him. If he had come back sooner, as he had prior to that, I'm sure I would have given in and answered him. Then I would be right back where I started.

 

Stay strong. Do whatever you have to do to stay NC and to let him go. Whatever you have to tell yourself, that's what you need to do. For me, I pictured him wondering why he hadn't heard from me and if I had moved on or if I was with someone new. That helped me to keep from contacting him and breaking that bubble.

 

It is sad, isn't it? Because the dumpers are blessed with the clarity of things and they do not have any hope. They have already made the decision. Partly why things are a lot easier for them is because of that. That is why they have the upper hand. On the other side, we have to patiently wait for things to make sense and for the dark clouds to clear out from our skies so that we can finally see the beauty that lies beyond.

 

The last tip you gave is brilliant. I am going to visualize him not getting the satisfaction of me reaching out and that is going to motivate me for sure to stay NC. I have realized that I do not love myself enough to stay NC for myself and so this motivation will definitely help as I try to love myself.

 

It is 3 months post BU and honestly, now it is sinking in. It is too late to put things back to where they were. Things are never going to be the same again EVER. We become so attached to how it was like that we lose hope that what could be coming in the future could be better than ever.

 

These guys did not see our worth. We loved them truly but they let us go. They will only understand when it is too late and even worse never understand. They deserve our pity because they never understood how deeply we had felt for them and that such genuine lovers are not easy to get. How unfortunate!

[samjam7]

@nolanola, @samjam7, @MINAKO.

 

All great posts. The "first" of what felt like love everything makes it so hard to let go (even if it's not the first 'relationship'). You wonder if you will ever meet or experience that kind of love again.

 

It is hard I just want to send (((HUGS))) your way.

 

*hugs back to all the amazing people in this thread*

 

:love:

 

It is always wonderful to know that you are not alone in your struggles and even better when people share how they are coping and how they have overcome such obstacles. Y'all are great!

[MINAKO]

@MINAKO

Wow! This is exactly my story! I have been taking SSRI (antidepressant) for the anxiety of this relationship and all the on/off. And yesterday I swear I thought about increasing the dosage to numb my feelings out but ended up taking Tylenol instead to feel better.

 

The firsts are usually the hardest. Even though you had relationships before but this was the first time you felt like this for someone. It is GREAT that you realize where your problem lies. It becomes easier to solve the problem once you know you have some issue. Can you think of any of his negative traits? You are idealizing him. Maybe he is a nice guy but I am sure has his own flaws. For me right now killing the hope is the hardest part. Once that hope dies that is when I will reach the acceptance stage. Hope lingers because of the number of times he came back and forth.

 

I am glad you are optimistic about getting over this one day slowly but surely. For me, this is a first so I don't know if I will be one of those people who never gets over their ex.

 

We loved them but did not deserve this treatment in return. Makes me realize the world is inherently unfair and you just have to suck all the unfairness up.

 

Yep! I did end up trying Zoloft and Xanax and well, after this recent experience, I am good lol. I hope they end up helping you - but yes, be super careful. I increased my Zoloft dose and became very ill from a digestive side effect.

 

Do not worry, you are not the only one with these thoughts my friend. I also may never get over this person even though I am optimistic. The world is definitely often a cruel place, and love should not be so complicated as it often is, but here we are and this is the life we live.

 

My person definitely has flaws but you know how illogical the heart can be. Even after all of this time, I still miss him just as much as the first day. I am not sure anything can ruin that type of hope other than time catching up with reality. Hopefully in a couple months from now, we are both much better off.

 

@nolanola, @samjam7, @MINAKO.

 

All great posts. The "first" of what felt like love everything makes it so hard to let go (even if it's not the first 'relationship'). You wonder if you will ever meet or experience that kind of love again.

 

It is hard I just want to send (((HUGS))) your way.

 

I loved all your replies here, thank you a lot. Firsts are definitely the worst, and it is often a challenge to get ourselves to understand that they are not the last!

[samjam7]

@MINAKO They do help but I won't increase the dosage. I am trying to self-heal myself. Crying my eyes out definitely helps! I do sometimes feel sad about shedding tears but then I feel tears shed help one heal.

 

Maybe we won't get over these individuals but like you said let's give each other one year at least and see where these feelings go.

[MINAKO]

@MINAKO They do help but I won't increase the dosage. I am trying to self-heal myself. Crying my eyes out definitely helps! I do sometimes feel sad about shedding tears but then I feel tears shed help one heal.

 

Maybe we won't get over these individuals but like you said let's give each other one year at least and see where these feelings go.

 

I agree! I am way too full of hopeless hope and know I will probably crash and burn from this, but yeah, have to give these things lots of time to not only heal, but come out a lot more emotionally stronger.

[samjam7]

I agree! I am way too full of hopeless hope and know I will probably crash and burn from this, but yeah, have to give these things lots of time to not only heal, but come out a lot more emotionally stronger.

 

MINAKO, I do not think I have understood anyone as much as I understand you atm. For me, I am also hoping and waiting somewhere. Hoping to feel his presence in my life just one more time. I hung out with one guy friend today and we went to see this skating event and all this while from time to time I thought of him as the sun was setting. I do anything but he is on my mind. I feel so sorry for him that he had no idea what he meant to me. If only he knew he would not hate me that much to seek revenge and hurt me on purpose with his words and actions.

[MINAKO]

MINAKO, I do not think I have understood anyone as much as I understand you atm. For me, I am also hoping and waiting somewhere. Hoping to feel his presence in my life just one more time. I hung out with one guy friend today and we went to see this skating event and all this while from time to time I thought of him as the sun was setting. I do anything but he is on my mind. I feel so sorry for him that he had no idea what he meant to me. If only he knew he would not hate me that much to seek revenge and hurt me on purpose with his words and actions.

 

I feel you too, agggghh, maybe it is because we are the same age, who knows lol. But this sucks, I know. Since my last post, I actually found out he is dating someone. I saw the photos and everything. And you would think this would make me hate him but no... I still love him I still have real hope we will speak/see each other again after summer. The worst part is knowing how ridiculous these hopes are, but still continuing to hope anyway. I also think of this person all the time, and also wish he knew the extent of my feelings for him. I feel he would not be dating someone right now if he knew. I also believe he put up those photos to make me jealous. I am pretty sure about that, since it was on an chatting app with not a lot of people on it but he has me added there.

 

What I mean to say is, wow! Hoping for something hopeless is insanity, but it is something insanely difficult to quit, like an addiction. Today, I was so anxious about the above situation, that I biked for two hours because otherwise I would just end up pacing around forever, just worrying. I also lost my appetite again today. And yet, here I am, seriously imagining the moment I can hug him again and "talk it all out". Or the moment he will finally message me or call me. Beautiful delusions. Sigh. To think that if I actually never see or hear from him again... ugh honestly the feeling is suicidal but I will not think about that nonsense and will continue with my delusions I guess lol.

 

I still believe that you and I will most likely be okay, somehow. It hurts so much. These kinds of thoughts really do take up my whole day and consume my brain. No matter who I talk to or what I read or watch, in the end, my feelings stay this way. To be capable of loving someone this much until it hurts, in my opinion it is a curse. But we'll live.

 

When summer is over, and I do not hear from him, my hopes will end up finally shattering with time and slowly I will pick up the pieces and get better. You too.

[samjam7]

MINAKO, even if he is doing this to make you jealous I do not think he is doing the right thing. If that is the case then he knows it is going to hurt you a lot or even a bit for that matter yet he chose to disclose it like this instead of thinking how that might make you feel. If he is doing this to make you reach out to him then he is being selfish and if he is just dating someone new wholeheartedly then he is getting over you. Either way he is not the one for you. You are much much better!

 

I guess this a sign and an opportunity for you to kill the hope. Just like he found someone I am sure there will be a day you will too. I have not reached that stage yet but I know one day I will again be able to dream of a future with another new guy. It is impossible for me to consider it at this point. I know if I see my ex with anyone else now I will break and probably lose my mind. It is a feeling that you can not even describe to anyone. Your stomach churns and emotionally one of the most painful experiences hands down. I know it will be the most hurtful thing ever BUT that hurt is going to push me to ultimately move on. After that there won't be any looking back for me if I can be replaced that easily and that soon.

 

I have felt suicidal too. Thinking that death is better than dealing with these emotions. In order to grief right, you must acknowledge these emotions and feel them with all your heart. I know when I felt absolutely powerless I wanted to destroy something and especially myself but I stopped and broke fused bulbs instead (LOL) and that calmed me down. What especially calmed me down is whining for hours to my friends. I kept writing pages and pages about my feelings. I honestly think had I not done those things I would have ended up hurting myself. Try to slowly break your delusions. I know for now it has become your happy place. I have felt exactly the same way for a guy(another one before this ex) I used to idealize but guess what I am over him now although I still admire him but feelings are gone. You will be over your ex too. The process is extremely tough. Probably one of the toughest thing to do and that is why we vent and help each other out over here.

 

It is funny how ****ty these people can make us feel. We gave away so much of our power in loving them that we forgot to love ourselves first.

[MINAKO]

Well you see, I did not include details about this situation because they do not apply/are very different. In this case, I never ended up telling him my true feelings. There was always tension and a lot of stubbornness, mostly on my part, because this was my first big experience and I was extremely nervous. He was never my boyfriend, and therefore never my ex. I also thought it would be better to talk about how I feel once he is back, rather than right before he leaves, you know? So I never said anything or really reciprocated, but we remained very close even when he was gone, until July, when it just became too much. I could tell we were both frustrated. Him trying to invite me to visit and being romantic, while I was still being cold and nervous. His last text was asking me for a video call, but I said I will call him next week instead. He never replied, I never called. I instead went clubbing with some girls and guys, and he saw that. I believe it is what sparked his bitterness/the photo thing. I know my behaviour like that was not the right choice - it was always out of nervousness and me running away from my anxieties.

 

I just never ever thought he would meet someone else there though, that thought never crossed my mind for some reason. I always thought I would open up to him when he is back, face to face. With this new photo, my friend also said it is not actually his girlfriend but rather a summer fling, and he probably wants me to reach out to him or see if I care, but, there is no way I am going to involve myself in that. It has been a bit over 2 weeks - if he does not reach out to me by the time he is here, then I will have to accept this loss. If he does, then I have decided I will tell him my feelings and have a very tough but honest conversation about all of this.

 

Yeah, you said it! I am on 2 hours of sleep because I am full of anxiety about all this. If he knew my true feelings and still did this, I would probably hate his guts. But because of my defensive behaviour of never giving any real sign that I love him, I am not surprised with this outcome, just hurt.

 

Omg woah, I feel you, I am glad you did not end up doing something more drastic! But yeah, the feeling is that intense, it is hard to control it. I spent all of last night talking to my friend on the phone for 6 hours about this, which is insane and something I have never done. Unfortunately, my friend is confident he will reach out again, so I will have to try hard to not feel even more hopeful. If only he knew my real feelings and how this truly makes me feel... I cannot fully blame him at all in my case. It is honestly tough to sum everything up in this reply, but I do not fault him about doing what he did. Even though I am hurt so bad I feel like I will never be okay again, for real lol.

 

But yes, I learned through this specific situation, that I do not love myself... I always thought I was confident and doing fine, but damn I put all my happiness in his hands. If he does not contact me even when he is back, then my heart will absolutely crack and I will be full of regrets. I also find it impossible to imagine loving someone else again, all of these thoughts. I am definitely slow roasting inside. At least I am not alone ugh. I hope by the end of this month, we are in much better places.

Edited August 4, 2019 by MINAKO

[MINAKO]

You know... I have fallen to the ground multiple times, just begging God to let me have him. I have cried my eyes out until my face did not look like myself anymore. I overdosed over him, and it all started because I was too nervous to ask him if he was going to come over or not that night. Instead, as always, I had no guts to just be a little bit brave. I have spent the majority of my life drenched in anxiety. I have biked every single day for hours, since he left, because otherwise I would sit at home and cry. I have dreamed about him. I have written countless times about him, even to nobody, just to an empty notepad. It probably adds up to a damn novel. I have never, in my entire existence, loved someone as deeply as I have loved him. Never. No human being has made me feel these emotions before, not like this. Nobody has been able to reach my heart in this way, like him. And now my heart is so heavy, it feels like I will throw it up. I have not slept or ate since yesterday. And it is definitely not the first time that I have lost my appetite or sleep over him. Without him in my life, I have a hard time seeing the point of anything. Everything, without him, is colorless for me. Everything is nothing.

 

I am not sure why I am adding any of this on, but, I re-read your first post and it really resonated again. This is hands down one of the most incredibly painful feelings to experience. Even my arms are heavy from anxiety. I was an idiot and did not open up to him like I should have. Instead, I am left to drown in a cloud of mystery and what ifs. If I really do not see him again, I think my spirit will crack, and that I will never be okay again. It feels like, if that really happens and it is really the end, I will die... Again, idk the point of this, but, I hope you do not feel alone in your situation. Deep down, I am terrified too. I am scared to death of waking up one day and realizing that everything really has ended. So until that miserable morning, I will live in this fantasy my mind has built for me. Just know even when you feel you are dying, even then you are never alone.

[samjam7]

@MINAKO,

You are not alone in this phase. Why do we woman start loving someone so much in the first place? I firmly believe you and I feel like this way because we loved these individuals more than we loved ourselves. We have lost our sense of selves in the process. This kind of attachment for another is not healthy by any means and is not sustainable for LTR.

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Let me tell you all my side. I did not take any summer classes and throughout the whole summer, I dwelled on this breakup. I just wanted some time to process my emotions and dwell in my loss. Today I woke up at 2 pm after going to bed at 5 am then went back to sleep and did not wake up until 7 pm. Last night I went out with my friend and even there everything reminded me of him. It is like the entire universe is conspiring me to think about him. No matter how much effort I put in to be happy it feels like my world is falling apart without him. Breathing and living have become a punishment the more I come to terms with acceptance of the relationship. This entire relationship has been on/off so many times that my self-esteem has hit a low. I came back home and thought if I stalk him a bit online maybe I will get some satisfaction but nah. Seeing him enjoying his new job and new life has made me realize there is no place for me in his life anymore.

 

When his life had uncertainty and when he was a broke college student that is when he wanted to experience a relationship with me. But I stayed with him through all that and got a huge slap in my face. Whenever I think about all these I feel like breaking NC and letting him how much he has hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me. I am nowhere now. I am all alone in this place and in the same college where he left so many memories. How can the person whom I trusted so much to love me abandon me once he is done using me?

 

Living is still a punishment. My head hurts from oversleeping and I do not think I can achieve anything in life anymore with my current mental health and him living his life is making me feel even worthless.

[samjam7]

I had a super ****ty day because I woke up vividly dreaming about my ex giving me a kiss. I don't how long I have to deal with these things.

I further think I am completely obsessed with my ex. Like it has been 3 months and I think about him every waking hour and even in my dreams. He is now part of my subconscious also.

 

I really do believe I am in love with him till this day and will continue to go on loving him. Idk what to do. But I wonder if its love then why is it so obsessive still then I found an interesting article about toxic on/off relationships and intermittent reinforcement.

 

If any of you are having to get over an on/off relationship then I suggest reading about intermittent reinforcement in relationships and that it forms stronger attachment which is easier to let go.

 

You can read more about the issue here.

 

https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/

Edited August 10, 2019 by samjam7