Why?

[samjam7]

^^

Thank you MINAKO

[ScaryPanda]

I have to face the fact that he won't come back. It has been on/off so many times that I still find myself hoping that it will change.

 

Hey now, you deserve someone who offers you security and comfort. The back and forth is addicting but that guy would never make you safe nor truly happy.

 

Whenever the bad feelings come, make yourself a cup of hot chocolate/tea and pamper yourself, you have you, that's all you need!

[samjam7]

^^

Aww, that is so sweet! I am trying and honestly with the help of everyone in this forum I have made progress.

 

After many months I stalked his public insta page and what he did is unblock one of his exes. One ex he had before me and who would text each other sometimes. Then one time I was a bit upset about so he blocked her. Now immediately after a breakup, I see her following again.

 

It's funny how I can't even think of another guy and here no one knows what he is doing. He is killing two birds with the same stone. He just wants to keep hurting me more and more.

 

He just wants his own ego to be stroked. It baffles me that I wasted 2 years of my life on someone so selfish.

[MINAKO]

It baffles me that I wasted 2 years of my life on someone so selfish.

 

Very difficult to accept, however, it is exactly this type of thinking that will help you in the end. I feel the same way about my own ex, like, what did I even see in him? Lol. But hey, you learned powerful lessons with everything that went down with this guy and that is what counts.

 

I am so happy that you are able to recognize that he wants to just hurt you even more, after all that happened, even now. What a piece of work this guy is - total trash, and time will take it out for ya.

[ScaryPanda]

After many months I stalked his public insta page and what he did is unblock one of his exes. One ex he had before me and who would text each other sometimes. Then one time I was a bit upset about so he blocked her. Now immediately after a breakup, I see her following again.

 

My ex was the exact same - it was either me or an ex who cheated on him and he’d cheat on her with me. I believe he was always in contact with her and I noticed slight flirting on public Facebook pages and such, he’d say to me “Oh I’m just being polite, I can’t not talk to her, it would be rude”. Silly young me, I forced myself to believe what he said, even though in my gut I knew something was very wrong.

 

In my case, I let go after I’d been hurt enough. He’d come back around after a few months to get sex and attention by giving me all these fake promises. Then I found a picture of the ex and him holding hands at her dying grandpa’s last birthday. After that, I was just disgusted. I had actual proof he cheated and that was all I needed to let go.

 

A month of no talking he deleted me from everywhere. So much for politeness, right?

 

I met an amazing man after all that. But I had to let go because I am still quite messed up inside. I’m not used to being treated well.

 

Thought I might share my story a bit, hope you’re ok with it.. moving on, I think it’s a decision you have to truly make and accept. NC is the quickest way to get to that point. Stalking them online is a normal setback, but try not to. It’s just not worth it. There is so much better out there, once all this is over, you’ll see. I hope you’ll still look back at this with love, even after everything that’s happened.

 

I might have missed this, but have you described him as a person here too? What kind of a family does he come from? What’s he like in general?

[samjam7]

@ScaryPanda I applaud you for coming out of the situation. The stalking kind of helped me because after seeing that although I shed a few tears but now looking back I feel relieved that he ended things. There is no way this guy could have been the guy I wanted for myself.

 

Yes, I mentioned about my exes family briefly in my first post here. My ex came from an extremely conservative Pakistani family. His parents didn't allow him to date and most of his brothers married according to their parents' wishes. All his sisters-in-law are housewives. Although I never met them but I could tell my ex had strict parents. Every time the breakup happened was right when it came to him introducing me to his parents. He would freak out and dig all the negative sides of the relationship, put all blame on me and then leave. That has been a constant. Furthermore, his father had the business set up in another continent so mostly his father and mother never stayed together. His father would sometimes come but was mostly absent from the household.

 

Funny fact I always knew some pakistani families were like that and I brought that up after a month of dating him. But he reassurred that we would be fine and engaged after graduation.

[ScaryPanda]

@SamJam I think most of the guys/girls so afraid of commitment come from broken or "disturbed" families. My ex had a very strict abusive mother and he had lost his father when he was just 7. Can only wonder what a man growing up with no father figure goes through. Yet we can't do much to help them, they'll figure themselves out alone.

 

How are you holding up?

[samjam7]

@ScaryPanda I am doing fine although it has been like 3 months since BU. Somedays I feel like I am happy and other days I think of how he did not think I was worth it and cry.

[schlumpy]

Try a little negative feedback.

 

Write down all the bad things your SO has done. You can add to the list as these thoughts occur to you.

 

Print out some copies and keep them nearby. Carry one with you when you leave your living place.

 

When you feel weepy or get triggered over your ex read the list.

 

Repeat as often as necessary.

 

Please heal soon. There is a wonderful guy waiting just for you.

 

Best Wishes

[samjam7]

@schlumpy Aww thank you so much.

 

I do try thinking about the injustice, fake promises, and all his negative qualities. But I don't know why it just keeps hurting me and making me angry beyond words. The anger I feel towards him makes me so bitter and resentful that it hurts no one but myself.

 

I feel fooled and used by my ex. I simultaneously experience self-pity that I did so much but he still ended up saying that I was not worth it.

 

I just want to be indifferent to this person but I don't know how. Srsly I don't know when I will feel better. Living seems like punishment sometimes. I don't think I can love anyone in future again and put my trust.

 

He appeared wonderful too but it didn't take him time to change colors when it came to his convenience.

 

I wonder if I will ever be over this or will I be one of those people who will always be hung up over their dumper ex? The feeling of being used emotionally and physically and that person (whom you truly loved) not trying for you when it came to being serious . Does that feeling stay till one's last breath or not?

[schlumpy]

Does that feeling stay till one's last breath or not?

 

After I was dumped by my fiancée the pain I felt in my gut every time I thought of her lasted about a year. It was almost like a knife - I felt it so keenly. I have drawn many, many breaths since then. It will pass.

[samjam7]

@schlumpy You are mentally very strong. Are you completely indifferent to your unfair ex now?

 

I feel so weird. Sometimes I hate the ex and sometimes I wish things could go back to how they used to be during the good times. Honestly, I wish him the same suffering.

[ScaryPanda]

I wonder if I will ever be over this or will I be one of those people who will always be hung up over their dumper ex? The feeling of being used emotionally and physically and that person (whom you truly loved) not trying for you when it came to being serious . Does that feeling stay till one's last breath or not?

 

I know it hurts to feel fooled, it's horrible. Makes you feel like you are nothing and just replaceable for others when that really is not the case. This guy was one cowardly jerk and not much else. You were perfect for him because thanks to being this genuine with him, he could easily take advantage of you and you'd keep enabling his behavior. That's the reality of the relationship.

 

Holding onto this anger and sadness does nothing for you. It wastes your precious time. Take comfort in the fact that time does help you heal. You will not forget this, but you will heal from it. But you need to let go of the anger and fear, love on yourself and spread your love around instead. Become better, improve yourself. You will be okay, more than just okay. Closure comes from within.

[ScaryPanda]

Honestly, I wish him the same suffering.

 

After my ex had dumped me and gotten back with his ex for a thousandth time, I tried to do everything possible to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling. My ex and your ex are similar in many ways, truth is, we can't hurt them to that extent and hurting them does no good for us anyway. Our exes have some serious issues that will catch up to them, but that's none of our business. They don't really deserve our care or effort anymore. They're not our problem anymore.

[schlumpy]

@schlumpy You are mentally very strong. Are you completely indifferent to your unfair ex now?

 

No special mental strength required. Only the ability to maintain no contact and to mentally detach from your feelings for your former significant other. This was many years ago for me so I can speak about it now with very little interest or feeling but I did look up my EX last year.

 

I found her married name in an online obit file for mother and I did locate her address.

 

I tried facebook but she wasn't active so I tried her sister's facebook page that was active and discovered a recent group family picture with her in it.

 

I dropped to my knees when I saw it and thanked God that she had found me unworthy.

 

Best Wishes

[nolanola]

OP, I just wanted to offer you some words of support. These types of off and on/back and forth relationships are very hard to let go of and move on from. In many ways it is like an addiction and breaking from it takes a long time. I have been in a couple of these relationships and they really damaged my self esteem - which took that much longer to get back. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to feel when you need to - if you need to cry, then cry. If you are angry, beat the pillow or listen to loud music.

 

For me, the only things that helped me were NC (strict NC), staying away from people, places, and things that reminded me of him (or places where I might see him), and time. With my first bad breakup, it took about a year as well. I loved Minako's first post - so spot on about everything. After a year of NC, I felt so much better, but I still got sad or angry sometimes. The longer I was away from him, the more and more it faded and blurred. When I realized I didn't want him anymore it was such a wonderful day - I cherish that because I fought so hard to get there.

 

Right now, I'm almost 9 months out from my most recent breakup and it's getting a lot better. But I still struggle all the time. Some days I get mad or upset again. Some days I wonder what I was thinking in loving him. Some days I feel wonderful. But I know I am healing and getting to the same place as with my older ex. It just takes a long time to let go of that pain and the rejection and all that.

 

Please believe me when I say that if you stay NC and move forward in your own life (grow as a person, learn, travel, etc) you WILL heal. You will stop wondering why they did something or didn't do something. You will just accept that it is as it is.

 

I would suggest looking up the Ted talk by Guy Winch. This helped me so much. One thing he talks about is that you have to stop going over and over things in your mind. Either take the explanation for the break up you were given or make one up for yourself and see that as the final answer. In your case, it might be helpful to just decide that this guy is damaged, avoidant, and emotionally unavailable and see that as why. It's not about you, it's about who he is (and will probably be for a very long time unless he works on himself and grows). Once you've set on this, try not to keep going over it and over it. Just accept that it is the final answer.

[samjam7]

^^

@nolanola I also want to reach that position where I don't want him anymore and I completely detach myself from any good or bad related to the on/off relationship.

 

It's just that the relationship was so unfair on so many levels. I feel like a total victim. Your words do help me. I do sometimes find comfort in thinking that the world is inherently unfair and we just have to get used to dealing with the unfairness done to us.

 

That he is not who I thought he was and if he treated me like an object it says more about him than about me. I know his life no longer should impact mine. I should not wish him bad but I should try to achieve indifference. I really don't want to harbor any hard feelings towards him. I realize the hard feelings still exist cause he still has a place in my heart.

[samjam7]

After my ex had dumped me and gotten back with his ex for a thousandth time, I tried to do everything possible to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling. My ex and your ex are similar in many ways, truth is, we can't hurt them to that extent and hurting them does no good for us anyway. Our exes have some serious issues that will catch up to them, but that's none of our business. They don't really deserve our care or effort anymore. They're not our problem anymore.

Damn! Your ex completely sounds like my ex. I think such people always have the grass is greener on the side syndrome. I am sure deep inside they know they are pathetic individuals and they hate themselves.

 

I have made some little progress although internally I still feel the pain. But if it was the old me then I would probably text him all my feelings and pour my heart out. I know now that there is no point showing him any of that emotion either good or bad cause for him it is all about gaining that power by hurting me. He cares only about himself and the selfless person he thinks he is. Truth is such people are utterly selfishness and this inherent selfishness makes them incapable of loving another soul truly.

[samjam7]

No special mental strength required. Only the ability to maintain no contact and to mentally detach from your feelings for your former significant other. This was many years ago for me so I can speak about it now with very little interest or feeling but I did look up my EX last year.

 

I found her married name in an online obit file for mother and I did locate her address.

 

I tried facebook but she wasn't active so I tried her sister's facebook page that was active and discovered a recent group family picture with her in it.

 

I dropped to my knees when I saw it and thanked God that she had found me unworthy.

 

Best Wishes

 

You dropped to your knees cause you were in pain still or did you drop to your knees because you felt relieved?

 

Is stalking our ex really detrimental to our mental health or no? I admit I check often. I wonder if it plays a role in me not being able to reach the level of detachment/indifference.

[nolanola]

Stalking online profiles is one of the key things you've got to stop doing!! Please trust me on this. My ex is not on Facebook, but his girlfriend is and I have looked at her page a few times. It was the WORST idea. The thing is, you don't get a true, realistic picture from social media. You get what that person wants you to believe. And it makes you think that their life is all sunshine and roses - IT IS NOT. Believe me, I completely understand - I have had some of the same thoughts that you have had. Specifically about how unfair it is that my ex has seemed to move on into a perfect relationship while I'm sitting here and sad.

 

But you know what? I seriously doubt everything is as perfect as I think it is (or how it appears on social media). Both your ex and mine had issues that came up when we were with them. Those same issues will eventually come up with the next person. Especially if our exes haven't done the work on themselves to try to deal with those issues. If he was conflict avoidant with you, he will be the same with the next woman. If he was moody, he will be the same with the next person.

 

I would encourage you to try your best to stay off his SM. When you want to look, just don't do it. Go do something else instead. This has helped me tremendously to not look for things about my ex or his girlfriend. It's hard in the beginning, but it gets a lot easier and it really does cut down on the hurt (please trust me on this). You will still think about it sometimes, but it gets less the less attention you direct towards it.

[Optimystic]

OP, I just wanted to offer you some words of support. These types of off and on/back and forth relationships are very hard to let go of and move on from. In many ways it is like an addiction and breaking from it takes a long time. I have been in a couple of these relationships and they really damaged my self esteem - which took that much longer to get back. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to feel when you need to - if you need to cry, then cry. If you are angry, beat the pillow or listen to loud music.

 

That is very true.. describes my last relationship. While I do think we cared about each other, we were definitely addicted to each other, which made it so hard to break up. My self esteem was negatively affected too, and that in itself is a huge sign that it's time to get out. 6 months later still recovering.. but it's not easy! Lots of back and forthing with mixed emotions.. when the anger comes, I agree about playing loud music- angry rock is the best. Healing takes time.. one day at a time.

 

Also to the OP, listen to Sia's "Death By Chocolate." It's an amazing empowering song about getting over a breakup.

[samjam7]

Stalking online profiles is one of the key things you've got to stop doing!! Please trust me on this. My ex is not on Facebook, but his girlfriend is and I have looked at her page a few times. It was the WORST idea. The thing is, you don't get a true, realistic picture from social media. You get what that person wants you to believe. And it makes you think that their life is all sunshine and roses - IT IS NOT. Believe me, I completely understand - I have had some of the same thoughts that you have had. Specifically about how unfair it is that my ex has seemed to move on into a perfect relationship while I'm sitting here and sad.

 

But you know what? I seriously doubt everything is as perfect as I think it is (or how it appears on social media). Both your ex and mine had issues that came up when we were with them. Those same issues will eventually come up with the next person. Especially if our exes haven't done the work on themselves to try to deal with those issues. If he was conflict avoidant with you, he will be the same with the next woman. If he was moody, he will be the same with the next person.

 

I would encourage you to try your best to stay off his SM. When you want to look, just don't do it. Go do something else instead. This has helped me tremendously to not look for things about my ex or his girlfriend. It's hard in the beginning, but it gets a lot easier and it really does cut down on the hurt (please trust me on this). You will still think about it sometimes, but it gets less the less attention you direct towards it.

 

I agree! Especially such deep problems never seem to go away. Also, I noticed I start getting too depressed around period times. Like today my friend came over and I asked her what she thinks about my ex. She said he was completely evil and merciless to me continuously. He played with my emotions to give me hopes so that he can have the last laugh.

 

After she left I completely broke down. I felt so many emotion it was overwhelming. Like I wished I could kill myself. How is this normal? Even after 3 months how can I feel this way. The worst part is I am in grad school and can't afford a therapist. I do take anti-depressants but this is grief, not depression. The fact that some people say grief never truly goes away makes me more pessimistic and hopeless which makes me more depressed.

[samjam7]

Thank you so much, everyone! I can't even tell how much each one of your words has helped me and comforted me. It really means a lot.

 

@Optimystic I have been through some really tough times in life where I had to battle clinical depression and chronic anxiety. I had existential crisis/ OCD and all those problems. But this by far the one incident in my life that completely make me literally want to end my life at a times just because of the sheer emotional pain. It has made me realize that emotional pain is as real as physical pain. I will NEVER in my life get into an On/Off relationship ever again.

 

Heck! I loved my ex so much that even to this day I can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

How are you doing post-6-month?

[Optimystic]

Thank you so much, everyone! I can't even tell how much each one of your words has helped me and comforted me. It really means a lot.

 

@Optimystic I have been through some really tough times in life where I had to battle clinical depression and chronic anxiety. I had existential crisis/ OCD and all those problems. But this by far the one incident in my life that completely make me literally want to end my life at a times just because of the sheer emotional pain. It has made me realize that emotional pain is as real as physical pain. I will NEVER in my life get into an On/Off relationship ever again.

 

Heck! I loved my ex so much that even to this day I can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

How are you doing post-6-month?

 

I know it's hard. I'm a very sensitive/emotional person (he wasn't) and it really has taken a lot out of me. But it's so important to remember that life is more than being in a romantic relationship.. and the person you were with is but 1 in what, 7 billion? There will be more experiences.. better ones.

 

I have to remind myself of this, too. We have to remember to get back in touch with ourselves.. there was a saying I read recently that spoke to me, along the lines of, "Instead of wondering why they left, focus on what you can put in the space they left behind." It's a hopeful message I think.

 

Finding fulfilling things besides a relationship is important. It's different for everyone. But it's good to explore and see what might be of interest. I hope you can get some good emotional support. Have you thought about counseling? I'm trying to get into some myself, when I get the opportunity. I hear it can be really helpful. **Edit, I saw your above post about not being able to afford it. There are services with sliding scales, though they may be challenging to find. Worth the pursuit imo. In the meantime just keep taking care of yourself. Little things, even if it's just making sure you're getting enough sleep and eating properly. Do something that brings a smile to your face and distracts you from your thoughts for a moment. Watch a funny show. Draw a picture. Go outside and read a book on a park bench, etc. Also if you're dealing with depression, exercise is very good for that. Even a 20 minute walk outside will do wonders. Honestly walking helps keep me sane.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, I'm doing fine. It gets easier with time. It's not all smooth and rosy, but the pain lessons, especially as you occupy yourself with things.. and practice good self care. You will have setbacks, you will miss them sometimes, but you'll also feel free and liberated, and excited about life's possibilities! I think I'm transitioning into that phase.

 

Best of luck to you, stay strong. <3

Edited July 30, 2019 by Optimystic

[ScaryPanda]

Is stalking our ex really detrimental to our mental health or no? I admit I check often. I wonder if it plays a role in me not being able to reach the level of detachment/indifference.

 

From personal experience - I was stuck in a painful limbo for two YEARS due to constantly checking up on him and letting him come by for a month or two when he got bored

 

The fact that you're hurting now means you loved him dearly. Even after all he did, your love was still genuine! That's all you could've done and you will come out 10x stronger after all this is over, you're already improving by not reaching out. You know he'd just disrespect you more.

 

Don't burden your mind with what he's doing or what pics he has up on his social media.. If you want to reach peace then hard NC, no online stalking, no reaching out, let yourself cry sometimes but keep yourself busy and improve yourself. Heard someone here say this a while ago, fake it till you make it. And don't you dare consider taking your life over this one man! Take it back instead!!