CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I don't get offended, nothing anyone can say to me will offend me. I make that pretty obvious to most people I meet, I am very upfront in the way I deal with people. Would you say you are void of emotion? 1
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 Would you say you are void of emotion? Not really no. I am conscious not to present as cold.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Not really no. I am conscious not to present as cold. I don't mean how you try to present. I mean how you actually feel. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 I don't mean how you try to present. I mean how you actually feel. Well how would you feel when faced with constant rejection? I think I mostly feel indifferent, with her I did feel some degree of excitement because the conversation was so good, she looked so elegant and for me at least it was a nice date.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Well how would you feel when faced with constant rejection? I think I mostly feel indifferent, with her I did feel some degree of excitement because the conversation was so good, she looked so elegant and for me at least it was a nice date. No, I mean in general. For all of your life. Are you someone who doesn't really feel much emotion? Do you ever cry? Feel overjoyed? The reason I'm asking is that if you identify as someone who doesn't FEEL, then I think this probably comes across in interactions with you. And a lot of women would have a tough time with that unless they are also that way. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 No, I mean in general. For all of your life. Are you someone who doesn't really feel much emotion? Do you ever cry? Feel overjoyed? The reason I'm asking is that if you identify as someone who doesn't FEEL, then I think this probably comes across in interactions with you. And a lot of women would have a tough time with that unless they are also that way. I wouldn't say so no. Unfortunately there is a reason for this, I went through an extremely tough experience growing up. My view is emotions can cloud judgement so I within reasons tend not to show them, yes I do show enthusiasm and empathy but I don't really open up much. Am even less inclined to show emotion on a date because when I do, like I did on this date the rejection is even worse than if I simply go and treat the whole thing like a business meeting. My own faith in being able to date is pretty low at the moment, I really did try this time but I think the whole thing is just cursed. Maybe I am fundamentally wrong, maybe I am looking for the impossible, I don't know. All I want is what everyone else seems to find at least once...mutual attraction.
JuneL Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 This is getting creepy. You met this woman for like two hours (or less?), and you’re already so invested and saying how incredibly amazing she is.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 This is getting creepy. You met this woman for like two hours (or less?), and you’re already so invested and saying how incredibly amazing she is. Not really I basically know within ten minutes if I am keen on someone. Usually most are poorly spoken so any attraction is then gone.
JuneL Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Not really I basically know within ten minutes if I am keen on someone. Usually most are poorly spoken so any attraction is then gone. But she might have a much bigger dealbreaker than those poorly spoken ladies, once you get to know her a bit better.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 But she might have a much bigger dealbreaker than those poorly spoken ladies, once you get to know her a bit better. I don't think so, there is enough to like that I'd be prepared to compromise.
JuneL Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I don't think so, there is enough to like that I'd be prepared to compromise. This is the classic mindset for someone very inexperienced. You’re probably thinking about how wonderful it would be if you could marry her; in reality, you don’t know her from Adam.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 This is the classic mindset for someone very inexperienced. Am actually thinking it would be nice to have her as a friend. But alas I am not good enough for that either. Guess I am going to the event I planned on my own. At the end of the day clearly I cannot date. My own doing I suppose having attributes nobody wants.
basil67 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 The attributes you have are what people like. But they are simply the entry level points of being a decent human and not enough to catch someone. You need more. Things such as laughter, confidence and a positive outlook go a long way. 1
allez102 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 No, I mean in general. For all of your life. Are you someone who doesn't really feel much emotion? Do you ever cry? Feel overjoyed? The reason I'm asking is that if you identify as someone who doesn't FEEL, then I think this probably comes across in interactions with you. And a lot of women would have a tough time with that unless they are also that way. I wonder the same and wanted to ask the OP the same questions. ZA your posts come across as quite robotic and mechanical, and I wonder if this translates into real life. Could you possibly be on the autistic spectrum...? Serious suggestion? Would also explain your difficulties in “reading” women (or indeed, people in general). 2
JuneL Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Am actually thinking it would be nice to have her as a friend. But alas I am not good enough for that either. Guess I am going to the event I planned on my own. At the end of the day clearly I cannot date. My own doing I suppose having attributes nobody wants. You mentioned this event again. Did you just want to show her off to people? 1
littleblackheart Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 (edited) Could you possibly be on the autistic spectrum...? I used to think that also and I asked ZA this very question 2 years ago (he said no). A few years / threads on, and little progress despite a lot of (sometimes high quality) advice, my honest belief is that whether ASD or not, this is not what is holding ZA back. Edited July 8, 2019 by littleblackheart 1
chillii Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 (edited) I wouldn't say so no. Unfortunately there is a reason for this, I went through an extremely tough experience growing up. My view is emotions can cloud judgement so I within reasons tend not to show them, yes I do show enthusiasm and empathy but I don't really open up much. Am even less inclined to show emotion on a date because when I do, like I did on this date the rejection is even worse than if I simply go and treat the whole thing like a business meeting. My own faith in being able to date is pretty low at the moment, I really did try this time but I think the whole thing is just cursed. Maybe I am fundamentally wrong, maybe I am looking for the impossible, I don't know. All I want is what everyone else seems to find at least once...mutual attraction. Yeah l could see you tried this time , even kissed her, that's great you tried, you sounded ok really it probably wasn't even the kiss she probably knew well before then that you just weren't for her, it happens. Thing is , l know your getting more than your share of that stuff but, everyone gets it. Women get it too, all the time, just read ls, it happens to everyone. But there's nothing wrong with just wanting what everyone wants, at all. For you though that's only gonna be that odd woman out , but then your an odd guy out, so all will be well when you find that one. Many people only ever find that one but eh that's all you need. ln your case your obviously not gonna be running hot with every woman you meet , it's only going to be that one , but if l was you l'd just keep looking, everyone has their thing out there no matter who we are. Someone out there will understand you and feel much the same about all the things you do. Edited July 8, 2019 by chillii 1
Normm Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I don't get offended, nothing anyone can say to me will offend me. You've gotten offended in the past it's been suggested (including by me) that you have Aspergers or that you are at least "on the Autistic spectrum" just as other posters are saying now. Isn't that right? The question is more hypothetical than anything else, I don't expect an answer. You tend to ignore posts that you don't agree with or that you find unpleasant or disturbing. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 You've gotten offended in the past it's been suggested (including by me) that you have Aspergers or that you are at least "on the Autistic spectrum" just as other posters are saying now. Isn't that right? The question is more hypothetical than anything else, I don't expect an answer. You tend to ignore posts that you don't agree with or that you find unpleasant or disturbing. Trust me you haven't offended me. Posters are entitled to think whatever they like, thankfully society sometimes does encourage free thought. I debated contacting the lady again and seeing if I can get some reasons for being ghosted but then I realised I wouldn't really get much out of such a fishing expedition so why bother. Ultimately we are all capable of doing things and incapable of doing others, perhaps the realisation I need to arrive at is dating is something I am not capable of doing. I am too set in my ways, my viewpoints never align with the ones more commonly found, I don't possess any great degree of charm, I am quiet mostly, I don't party, I don't drink, I don't really have fun so when I write those things down there isn't much to sell there. Ok I am loyal, honest, caring but as someone said, most people are like that so there is nothing new there. Good at things, well I might be good at a few but again not ones which people really recognise. I am not the muscle bound gym type guy so that doesn't help either. Look maybe I am wrong, maybe this flopped because I didn't have the basic requirements most guys have, maybe that's the problem all along. I am not completely blind as to how much I don't work with people, but I also cant completely rip up the piece of paper and magically change into something else. Frankly I have little reason to want to. What do I gain being someone I fundamentally am not? A lot of the posters here are fundamentally right in many respects.
basil67 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Many of us work at self improvement for most of our lives. For me, this has meant learning more about having female friends, it means thinking about what I say before I say it, it means getting better at understanding other people's point of view. Has this involved making me into a different person? Yes. But I believe this has made me a better person. I now have more friends and my life has improved accordingly. Improving yourself is never a waste. 1
littleblackheart Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 You don't need a dating coach or a therapist at this point, ZA, but you could do with taking advice from your GP and be completely honest with them. There is no shame in that. Your reluctance at getting external help (besides LS) is what is holding you back - not whatever spectrum you may or may not be on.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 Many of us work at self improvement for most of our lives. For me, this has meant learning more about having female friends, it means thinking about what I say before I say it, it means getting better at understanding other people's point of view. Has this involved making me into a different person? Yes. But I believe this has made me a better person. I now have more friends and my life has improved accordingly. Improving yourself is never a waste. One needs to want to I suppose and frankly I don't do things generally which have no purpose. I really welcome the point of view of others but its hard to find people with an opinion on anything really. Everyone I come into contact with is so into whatever they have going on that they don't look at anything else. I'd say I am vastly different person to what I was 4 years ago its just not good enough though. For pretty much my entire life I have been a loner, sure I have so called friends but its more of compartmental friends, one I met in junior school but we have very little in common anymore so I maybe see him every couple of months, the other is a good friend but in a different stage of life to me. So yes I go out on dates mostly to try and find people who interest me, where I can try and build something perhaps but the reality is the people I am going out with are not on the same page, understandable really. Essentially what I am trying to accomplish is fairly impossible. Either I accept this or adapt to something else but what else? I look around and see what makes people successful and then try understand why and the irritation is I am nowhere at all like those guys and I don't think I could ever be.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 Your reluctance at getting external help (besides LS) is what is holding you back. I'd be quite open to being befriended by a nice person, that would be a help. People are VERY reluctant to do this because I don't fit in, really I don't. Its like trying to blend petrol and water, they don't mix. A friend tried taking me to bars, clubs etc. it doesn't work for me and lets be honest if you cut out these places your chances of meeting someone drop. I don't have the experience of a 35yo so that doesn't help with people in that range so essentially I don't have a market as such to look at. PLEASE don't tell me single moms! Ultimately I'll probably just admit defeat in this. Reconcile the pay date idea and one day maybe just do that.
nospam99 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 PLEASE don't tell me single moms! Remind me EXACTLY what your issue is with single moms. Don't want to be responsible for another guy's kids? No problem if the woman is willing to make that a boundary. Just don't like children? Okay, I understand but can't relate since I love children - especially if I'm not on the hook to diaper or (later) discipline them.
Author ZA Dater Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 Remind me EXACTLY what your issue is with single moms. Don't want to be responsible for another guy's kids? No problem if the woman is willing to make that a boundary. Just don't like children? Okay, I understand but can't relate since I love children - especially if I'm not on the hook to diaper or (later) discipline them. The whole idea has little appeal to me at all, with respect. Inevitably many of the single moms I have met all have tales of woe with ex's and MANY are looking for a stand in dad for their kids. More than one I have met has two kids, each from a different guy. Again with respect I don't really want that sort of complication in my life. In many respects if I am honest I want as little baggage as possible.
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