Really good date

[MaleIntuition]

A good example of this is when I ask someone about their work, if they really give me a comprehensive answer that's great and the conversation can realty flow but if its one or two words then the conversation doesn't really work, this applies to all topics really. I just feel a lot more confident when a conversation flows and topics sort of flow off each other rather than having to go from topic to topic trying to get the person to actually speak.

 

With this you are halfway towards good chemistry. The other part is mutual (sexual)attraction and excitement about one another.

 

Full honesty has no place on a first date. I have absolutely zero interest to know how your last bathroom visit went, for example. I would also never want to hear about my dates past romantic encounters. Omitting certain information and focusing on commonalities is not misrepresentation - it’s good social skills. My bet is that this girl did exactly that with you! She realised that; alright he like to talk about this, I will “conform” (or adapt), and talk about American politics on this date.

 

You see, the purpose of a first date is ONLY to figure out if you have enough foundation for a second date; to see if there is (yes) chemistry. At the end of the day - it’s not so much about the content of what’s being discussed - the real stuff, happens on a - for a lack of a better word - meta level. And that’s why people keep telling you that having a good time is the most important thing on a first date (and no, unless South Africa is severely freaking strange that doesn’t mean getting wasted at 35).

[rightondude]

With this you are halfway towards good chemistry. The other part is mutual (sexual)attraction and excitement about one another.

 

Full honesty has no place on a first date. I have absolutely zero interest to know how your last bathroom visit went, for example. I would also never want to hear about my dates past romantic encounters. Omitting certain information and focusing on commonalities is not misrepresentation - it’s good social skills. My bet is that this girl did exactly that with you! She realised that; alright he like to talk about this, I will “conform” (or adapt), and talk about American politics on this date.

 

You see, the purpose of a first date is ONLY to figure out if you have enough foundation for a second date; to see if there is (yes) chemistry. At the end of the day - it’s not so much about the content of what’s being discussed - the real stuff, happens on a - for a lack of a better word - meta level. And that’s why people keep telling you that having a good time is the most important thing on a first date (and no, unless South Africa is severely freaking strange that doesn’t mean getting wasted at 35).

 

Preach ... yeah the first date is almost like a trailer for the movie that is life. Don't be giving away the ending. Put on your best, bait the hook, and make them want to see more. Then set up date #2. That's the only goal. If it goes further than that and someone wants the extended preview, so be it but the point is, make yourself someone who seems like a person you'd enjoy spending more time with. ZA maybe you give away too much of the ending and are revealing spoilers?

[basil67]

Please tell me what this is? Likewise, the often used frankly BS comment known as "chemistry".

 

A positive connection is when you can connect and your conversation bounces easily back and forth. It’s when you don’t run out of things to talk about.

 

Chemistry isn’t BS. Chemistry feels like there’s a magnet drawing the two of you towards each other. Sometimes the magnetism is so strong that it’s like you could almost touch it.

 

Why do you say that it’s BS?

[rightondude]

A positive connection is when you can connect and your conversation bounces easily back and forth. It’s when you don’t run out of things to talk about.

 

Chemistry isn’t BS. Chemistry feels like there’s a magnet drawing the two of you towards each other. Sometimes the magnetism is so strong that it’s like you could almost touch it.

 

Why do you say that it’s BS?

 

ZA a simple way to find out if there's chemistry....look into her eyes as she's talking. Fall into those eyes. Keep that focus. Not for too long, that's creepy. Smile, smirk (grin, no big teeth smile) while she's talking and as you're looking into her gaze, nod. If she smiles back, you've likely got some chemistry.

[basil67]

Well for me the mutual kind simply doesn't exist so I dismiss the entire concept.

 

This would be the same as me dismissing the idea that running can be enjoyable. Just becuase I really, really hate it doesn't mean that everyone else feels like me. Likewise, I have no concept of feeling really drunk and great at the same time. But me not being able to experience it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

 

Use a bit of logic here

[ZA Dater]

ZA maybe you give away too much of the ending and are revealing spoilers?

 

Which makes a lot of sense, however the problem I have is nobody wants a second date, despite how much effort I put into date one. My view is spoilers are always going to be deal killers I might as well not bother to hide them, get my own disappointment over in one date than trying to hide them away and end up disappointed after the second date.

[Normm]

My view is spoilers are always going to be deal killers I might as well not bother to hide them, get my own disappointment over in one date than trying to hide them away and end up disappointed after the second date.

 

 

AZ, your negative attitude is your biggest enemy. If you think that poorly of yourself, then how do you expect someone you are just meeting for the first time to feel about you?

[ZA Dater]

This would be the same as me dismissing the idea that running can be enjoyable. But me not being able to experience it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

 

Use a bit of logic here

 

So I should perhaps take up swimming instead?

 

I dismiss the idea because I don't believe it exists for me, sure others might get it right and most do before the age of 35 but for whatever reason I haven't.

 

Maybe I just look at the whole idea of dates dispassionately much like I do the numbers on a balance sheet. I think whatever joy they ever had for me has really just disappeared.

 

Friend asked me today if I wanted to go out with him and five ladies for lunch, all these ladies between the ages of 22 and 25, he is older than me, quite a lot older. I took a pass on it because I knew they wouldn't be interested in me, I couldn't summon up any sort of confidence to go. I knew Id just feel worse about myself because I wouldn't fit in.

[Normm]

I think whatever joy they ever had for me has really just disappeared. I couldn't summon up any sort of confidence to go. I knew Id just feel worse about myself because I wouldn't fit in.

 

 

You sound depressed.

[ZA Dater]

With this you are halfway towards good chemistry. The other part is mutual (sexual)attraction and excitement about one another.

 

And that’s why people keep telling you that having a good time is the most important thing on a first date (and no, unless South Africa is severely freaking strange that doesn’t mean getting wasted at 35).

 

Yes and if I dig up my back yard I have a greater chance of finding oil or gold than lining up all three of those elements on a date.

 

A good time, very broad, how do you define that? My good time might not be someone else's good time.

[elaine567]

Friend asked me today if I wanted to go out with him and five ladies for lunch, all these ladies between the ages of 22 and 25, he is older than me, quite a lot older. I took a pass on it because I knew they wouldn't be interested in me, I couldn't summon up any sort of confidence to go. I knew Id just feel worse about myself because I wouldn't fit in.

 

What kind of "ladies" go on lunch dates with a guy like that en masse?

You are 35 not 25, of course they wouldn't really be interested unless you are going to splash the cash...

Sorry but it all sounds a bit sleazy, no?

[ZA Dater]

What kind of "ladies" go on lunch dates with a guy like that en masse?

You are 35 not 25, of course they wouldn't really be interested unless you are going to splash the cash...

Sorry but it all sounds a bit sleazy, no?

 

Wasn't really so much of a date. Frankly at this point I am basically at the point where I need to decide.

 

1: Carry on with what I think is the correct approach.

2: Entertain the idea of more sleazy type dates.

 

This friend of mine has great charm and a useful helping of charisma. He would probably be described as 'fun" so I pretty much vanish when he is around. Just didn't feel like that sort of battering today. Each of the ladies was stunning but cynically I am starting to think the only way to date is to buy in some form or another. It just seems impossible to be liked for who you are or what you are.

 

Maybe I am just idealist in that sense. Maybe I just need to try understand what women actually want, maybe what I want doesn't tie in with that they generally offer. Maybe this a game best played from the bench because seemingly every time I do play I seem to mess something up in one way or another.

 

I can go out and try be confident, not easy but I can do this in small doses, I can go out and try not be awkward, again difficult but I can sometimes pull this off. I can go out and try be fun, whatever that is, almost impossible to do this.

 

Some of this forum had me thinking about chemistry and whether I ever experienced this, maybe in small doses yes, the yoga instructor was maybe some of that, though I suspect she used me to a certain degree. Something doesn't quite work somewhere with me and I don't know if I will ever know what this is.

 

One problem is I tend to default to friend zone on dates, I guess this me just giving up and me not knowing how to do anything else.

Edited July 20, 2019 by ZA Dater

[elaine567]

...but cynically I am starting to think the only way to date is to buy in some form or another. It just seems impossible to be liked for who you are or what you are.

 

Do you think the ladies you pay for, will like you any better?

Personally I would hate to pay for a guy to come "entertain" me, as part of the whole dating "high" is to know someone likes and wants you.

To think he was only there for the dollars would be a big turn off for me...

 

Its not impossible to be liked for who and what you are, you just need to find the right person.

You are not going to find her if you spend time ogling stunning 23yo "lunch dates" and getting your hopes unrealistically high.

[ZA Dater]

You are not going to find her if you spend time ogling stunning 23yo "lunch dates" and getting your hopes unrealistically high.

 

Well it a lot more appealing than the people who do match with me. I don't believe in unrealistically high but you already know that. Going out and meeting people might be my only way but that's proven to be ineffective too and then I get the worst kind of rejection.

 

Frankly I cant seem to get that so called dating 'high" hence considering other options. I couldn't care if they liked me superficially, it would be better than nothing which I currently have.

[NuevoYorko]

My curiosity towards other is proportional with their curiosity toward me, if someone takes no interest in me why should I take an interest in them?

 

Well for me the mutual kind simply doesn't exist so I dismiss the entire concept.

 

 

Those quotes say a lot about who you are.

 

You appear to lack some basic human qualities insofar as how you relate to other humans. Taking an interest in another person is not dependent upon whether they are interested in us whether we're talking about dating or friendship. Chemistry is what brings people together pretty much, unless it's an arranged marriage. Just because you refute these things doesn't make them untrue.

 

The women you're interested in want these things as well.

 

All I can really add to what I've written is that you have no grounds to be immersed in self pity. You seem to take pride in offering little to nothing to other people besides, from your POV, you are "nice." It's your right. It isn't anything that others look for in romantic partners or even friends.

Edited July 22, 2019 by NuevoYorko

[ZA Dater]

Those quotes say a lot about who you are.

 

.

 

Well from my point of view very few others offer me anything either so I guess that balances out quite nicely. Who know what others really look for, you can ask 100 people and you will get 100 different answers which once again proves me point about the complete ineffective nature of dating coaches.

 

Strangely I can be a pretty good friend, I don't have many but the friendships with those people have a purpose, there is give and take which is funnily enough not something I ever found on any date. Its ALL about me trying to convince them to like me, never ever has one of them ever tried to extoll their virtues to me.

 

I never said chemistry doesn't exist...I said it doesn't exist for me. Clearly it must exist because other people can find partners that they apparently like, others apparently don't settle, they have some degree of choice. I don't dispute that it exists I simply said from my point of view I don't believe in it with reference to my own situation and experiences.

 

Just like even I have had decent dates, not all of them were bad but 8 out of 10 had little appeal to me, that's based on my own experience, you may have great dates and very few bad ones.

 

A lot of it is how one relates to others and how they relate back, people don't relate to me and I don't relate with them so its a loss situation from the off. No amount of me tailoring myself to the situation seems to help this.

 

Either I let this get me to or I simply let is wash off and keep looking around with the idea that sure I can go on a date but to not expect anything positive from it.

 

Yes, I could probably do better if

 

1: I could find some confidence

2: I was less awkward.

3: I could make up some generic story that people liked.

4: I could change my entire look and actually liked to smile, apparently my attempts at smiling evidently don't work so well.

 

I guess dating is a no margin for error activity, one error and its done, there are millions of other guys for them to choose from, unless you go out with someone who themselves has limited choice, again completely at odd with what I believe in.

 

Ultimately I believe in this.

 

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference"

 

I just haven't decided if the like the difference. (I once brought this up on a date and no opinion was offered)

 

Maybe some are better off alone.

Edited July 22, 2019 by ZA Dater