Words and Support to all here. Would love you’re responses too.

[DKT3]

Nothing rude or judgmental about it.

[Secretgal34]

Unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes you’re no one to judge me. Eventually I want to leave my situation, that’s why I’m putting my education first. And although you may feel that way, being able to give my kids the world is extremely important to me. I love them so much that I rather be miserable and stay with their dad for now. He is a good father, him and I are just not compatible. I find your post extremely rude and judgmental.

 

I think we all have our reasons why we stay. I understand where you’re coming from because I have myself lived with infidelity and emotional abuse but unfortunately in places like this it’s easy to say just leave or you’re wrong. I think we all have our “cross to bear” so to speak. I have not gone into detail about the things I’ve dealt with in my marriage because the first thing people will say is divorce and rightfully so because it’s unhealthy but it’s not that easy I’m not going to sit here an lost the things that have damaged my marriage because there is no point. But we all have our problems. I think some posters here have hurt by a cheating spouse so I can understand where they are coming I may have been the cheater this time but I was cheated on way before this happened so I get it. Others that have had affairs that learned from it. I just think the judgement should be minimum as were all here for a reason

Edited June 28, 2019 by Secretgal34

[DKT3]

Divorce is difficult, I've been there. Its better then living in infidelity that's for sure.

 

I stay 14 months with a woman I knew was lying, worse yet is she knew i knew she was lying. I stayed because i feared what it would do to my relationship with my kids. I stayed because people told us we were too young, too different and it couldn't work. I stayed because i loved her. But all of that was trumped by the main reason i stayed....it was easier. So i buried alot of anger and resentment, avoided her as much as possible and stayed.

 

Yes its difficult, it damaged my children. As i said before, in my opinion it was much better than my kids living in dysfunction, better then seeing us be disrespectful to one another.

 

Yes I get it, we were highly codependent, I mean we had only been together since we were 16 and 17 years old, we were all we knew.

[Secretgal34]

Divorce is difficult, I've been there. Its better then living in infidelity that's for sure.

 

I stay 14 months with a woman I knew was lying, worse yet is she knew i knew she was lying. I stayed because i feared what it would do to my relationship with my kids. I stayed because people told us we were too young, too different and it couldn't work. I stayed because i loved her. But all of that was trumped by the main reason i stayed....it was easier. So i buried alot of anger and resentment, avoided her as much as possible and stayed.

 

Yes its difficult, it damaged my children. As i said before, in my opinion it was much better than my kids living in dysfunction, better then seeing us be disrespectful to one another.

 

Yes I get it, we were highly codependent, I mean we had only been together since we were 16 and 17 years old, we were all we knew.

 

You’re right when you say lies and infidelity ruin families. I lost a lot of respect for my husband after his. During my EA I didn’t care about his feelings because of my trust issues and I had said to myself “why should I care he’s just going to cheat again” I was looking for a way out but it wasn’t the right way to go about it. I never mentioned it in my previous posts but I did feel guilt throughout my EA, I felt anxiety and a bit of shame. Yea I made the impression I was going to go on with a full affair but in the face of it I don’t know what I would have done. This was a man I hadn’t seen in many years. Everyone already has this impression of me so there’s really no way to prove myself at this point. But what I’m getting at is I felt more guilty over a woman that I didn’t even know then my own spouse. Infidelity is one of the worst things you can do. It messes with your life on so many levels. I’ve been a mess for months and am now in therapy. Everyone else can have their affairs at this point I’m done never again. But trust and respect goes away I lost so much respect for my husband after both his counts and I stopped caring. Not excusing my actions and no I’m not a victim (im not looking to go back to the blame game here) I’m just saying you make a valid point that lies and infidelity do ruin a family.

[elaine567]

Seems to me many married women find they married the wrong bloke and essentially try to replace him by monkey branching.

They find a willing participant and try to persuade him to be her next husband/long term partner.

It tends not to work out well as married men who want to leave, tend to just leave, they separate, divorce and start dating.

Men who want to have an affair, just have an affair... persuading these guys to leave is often an up hill struggle..

[Secretgal34]

Seems to me many married women find they married the wrong bloke and essentially try to replace him by monkey branching.

They find a willing participant and try to persuade him to be her next husband/long term partner.

It tends not to work out well as married men who want to leave, tend to just leave, they separate, divorce and start dating.

Men who want to have an affair, just have an affair... persuading these guys to leave is often an up hill struggle..

 

That’s why this forum was very helpful. If I want to be happy with someone new an affair is not the way to go. Divorce then date single men. If people really want out they will get out. The excuse of money, house, kids is really just excuses they just don’t want to leave. Like I’ve said before this is the first and last time I ever do something like this. I will not be looking or open myself up to any other man unless I’m unattached and so is he.

[BaileyB]

If people really want out they will get out. The excuse of money, house, kids is really just excuses they just don’t want to leave.

 

To be fair, they are not excuses. They are valid reasons for a man to want to stay married to the woman he chose as his life partner.

 

It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

Edited June 29, 2019 by BaileyB

[Secretgal34]

To be fair, they are not excuses. They are valid reasons for a man to want to stay married to the woman he chose as his life partner.

 

It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

 

They are valid and good reasons but it also doesn’t make it ok to seek outside stimulation and then throw out those excuses as to why they don’t leave. Not at all saying I’m innocent, I’m not at all just making a statement of how people do this and think it’s ok. MM did this and so did my husband he carried on an EA behind my back and flat out told me when I found out “I wanted my cake and eat it too” I asked him for a divorce when I found out which was one of our separations but he showed remorse wanted to make it work so I forgave him unfortunately I wasn’t able to forget. I think if people insist on staying for whatever reasons they should try to make it work having your cake and eating too just makes things worse.

I know I came on here with a story that very much made me look bad but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and cheating is just not the solution.

[BaileyB]

They are valid and good reasons but it also doesn’t make it ok to seek outside stimulation and then throw out those excuses as to why they don’t leave.

 

Of course, I agree with you. It’s not right and not fair for a MM to do this to a woman.

 

However, whether that woman chooses to believe him and go down that path... that is her decision...

 

Just saying, one woman’s “excuse” is another woman’s wedding vow.

[LDRelationship]

OP, you are not a bad person.

I think that you need to remind yourself of that. We make mistakes, we get lost in the moment, we dream of something better.

 

It doesn't excuse said mistakes, but it makes us human.

 

 

 

You mentioned that he has 'liked' photos.... May I ask why is he still in your social network? I understand how hard it is to let go, but if he's still 'liking' pics and it makes you uncomfortable, then removing him is the best option for your emotions?

 

 

I also need to ask, are you happy with your current situation?

[Secretgal34]

OP, you are not a bad person.

I think that you need to remind yourself of that. We make mistakes, we get lost in the moment, we dream of something better.

 

It doesn't excuse said mistakes, but it makes us human.

 

 

 

You mentioned that he has 'liked' photos.... May I ask why is he still in your social network? I understand how hard it is to let go, but if he's still 'liking' pics and it makes you uncomfortable, then removing him is the best option for your emotions?

 

 

I also need to ask, are you happy with your current situation?

 

I don’t know if I can say happy because I’m still working through stuff but calmer yes. During the EA I was on edge I didn’t sleep well was anxious with feelings of excitement and guilt. For whenever reasons I did not want to let go. To spite everything and I know this sounds crazy but I valued this mans friendship and that was why I kept him on social media. I suppose if things don’t improve I’ll remove him. He’s not going to do it. It makes me sad that we couldn’t part on good terms I would have apologized and left it alone also would have wished him luck. To say this on this forum opens me up to comments like you deserved what you got, he owes you nothing. So I haven’t said it. Truth be told MM initiated a lot of sexual advances and it was him that said “I couldn’t control myself if I saw you” I wanted to see him because I wanted to figure out what I was feeling and go from there. I know people won’t believe this but I wasn’t sure I wanted an affair I just wanted to be around him. If that makes sense at all. But definitely moving forward letting it go seeing the error and that these things just don’t make anything better just makes things worse.

[Prudence V]

Why would anyone be so trusting of someone who lies and cheats on the person they have built a life and family with? Why would you not expect this person to be dishonest with you as well?

 

Sometimes the answer is: because they’ve shown you that you can trust them. Because, over time, they’ve earned your trust. Because you’ve seen them in many other situations, over time, and heard from many others confirming the view that they have integrity, are honest and trustworthy, etc. Sometimes you do your due diligence and it all checks out.

 

I’m not saying that’s the case in every A; it’s clearly not - but sometimes, it does play out that way.

 

But there is a huge difference between naively hoping that you’re special enough, and doing due diligence (as everyone should do with anyone, single or otherwise, that they plan to mix emotions or body fluids with) before starting to trust a little. IMV, trusting anyone who hasn’t proven to you on every occasion that you should trust them, is asking for trouble. An A is no exception.

[DKT3]

This^^^:^^ isnt substantial...

 

Again, this person is proven they have no issues betraying trust. Or do you believe they never earned their spouse trust before they cheated huh? It's all naive....who would invest money with Bernie Madoff now? Secondly, you cant earn trust with a married person before you're involved with a married person.