Words and Support to all here. Would love you’re responses too.

[Secretgal34]

Huh? I certainly owe my family more than I owe the person who is helping me do my family wrong. Like what exactly does the MM in this situation owe the OP? Does he owe her a full blown affair? Are you saying he was wrong to walk away before the affair was fully underway? Or are you going to say he owes her some sort of closure conversation? That doesn't ever work. Affair partners are like crack to each other, every communication is a hit that further fuels the addiction.

 

Yes I agree that we should treat all people the we want to be treated but that ship has obviously sailed once an affair is underway. Neither the cheater or the affair partner is interested in treating the cheater's spouse and family the way they wish to be treated. They plot and conspire together to destroy the marriage and break up the family. We see OW here all the time talking about how their MM is going to ditch his marriage and wife as soon as he figures out how to get the best deal for himself. When the AP gets ditched instead then they rail with anger and outrage that they were lied to and deceived and ultimately dropped but when it was the wife being hurt and deceived then it was all fine and dandy.

 

So I don't believe that cheaters and affair partners care much about treating ALL people the way they wish to be treated. They care about how the are treated but they certainly don't like be on the receiving end of the way they have treated others.

 

Omg no I dont think he owed me to go through with it. A simple “I can’t do this let’s just be friends” would have been just fine. I wouldn’t have tried to convince him otherwise.

Yes I’m angry and yes I’m hurt but by all these comments being read I’m glad nothing happened because a year from now I’d just be crying that it didn’t work out. Sadly I know people who have done way worse and get away with and not care. I’m on here seeking help and getting help for myself I have an appointment. Not that makes me better then anyone else but I’m trying to own this so I can move on.

[Starswillshine]

Agreed. Family is first priority. I'm just saying at some point, when future faking and promises enter the picture, it's hurtful and wrong and makes it worse in the long haul. Just because it's an AP doesn't make it right. In a perfect world, we would be honest with all but we don't live in a perfect world.

What is so confusing to me and I'm sure all other BS is comments like this. Affairs are hurtful and wrong. Why does the AP expect it will be different for them? The MP has shown you who he is. It is your own fault if you choose to believe him even after he has shown you his character.

 

The only time I believe MM have all the fault is when he straight up lies and tells the OW he is divorced.

[PhoenixRising8]

@ stars willshine I think this comes from a place of projecting on to others our own thinking. What I mean by that is in my case, I knew my affair was an exit strategy. He led me to believe through words AND actions he was in the same place. I had a hard time coming to terms with when, how and if to end a 3 decades long partnership. But I knew I should end it. Not an excuse but sometimes fallible people ( and we all are) take a wrong turn to get to the right destination. He gave every indication he was in the same place. We weren't going about it the right way but who was I to tell him when I did the same thing. That would be hypocritical.

 

Obviously, in the end he wasn't really in the same place so we broke up for just under a month. He wasn't sure he would ever leave. He came back professing he was now sure. That lasted 6 weeks before the final break up. That was when I stopped projecting, making excuses for him, call it what you will. It was just lies and manipulation and the penny dropped on the true nature of his character and it wasn't the same as mine.

[LIRR88]

What is so confusing to me and I'm sure all other BS is comments like this. Affairs are hurtful and wrong. Why does the AP expect it will be different for them? The MP has shown you who he is. It is your own fault if you choose to believe him even after he has shown you his character.

 

The only time I believe MM have all the fault is when he straight up lies and tells the OW he is divorced.

 

I could say the same thing about the BS. Every situation is different, with mine MM had nothing but awful things to say about his wife. He called her every name in the book and said to me recently that he wakes up every day regretting he ever married that “bi#%h”. He could be exaggerating and being dishonest, I foolishly ate it all up and yeah that was my fault and it’s on me. IMO if I were his wife I couldn’t fathom staying with a man that so blatantly disrespected me like that. Most MM that cheat are very good at manipulating both parties, I don’t know why the BS thinks she’s won a prize because he chooses her at the end. Congrats, you chose to stay with someone who betrayed you and shown you HIS character. And as you can see all over this forum, once everything settles down the majority gets bored and go right back contacting the AP. I would have been fine if MM would have told me from the start that he would never leave her, in fact I probably would have kept my distance. Instead he lead me on, told me he fell in love with me, that he doesn’t care if she finds out because he’s unhappy, even told his mom about me (she wants him to divorce the wife). We went from being everything to one random day him leaving me and acting like I was never nothing. He’s a horrible person for putting me through that. Had he been honest from the start it would have been different, but he lied to me and he’s been lying to his spouse all along.

[Starswillshine]

Exactly, he has been lying to his wife all along. What makes you think he would be honest with you? Those things and names he calls her to you, do you think he says those things to her face? Does you think he blatantly disrespects her in front of her face or lies and manipulates her. Like he does you. Yes, everyone gets manipulated. The thing is OW knows he is manipulating his wife. Wife doesnt know he is manipulating OW. She doesnt even know there is an OW.

 

As for me... I didnt win any prize. I divorced his lying rear.

[elaine567]

We went from being everything to one random day him leaving me and acting like I was never nothing. He’s a horrible person for putting me through that. Had he been honest from the start it would have been different, but he lied to me and he’s been lying to his spouse all along.

Liars lie.

 

But all relationships can just go from hearts and flowers to nothing.

Maybe he was all in, but somewhere along the way he fell out of love and then ditched you.

Seems to me there is an assumption that affairs are cast in stone, when they are just relationships like any other and thus are not necessarily everlasting...

[LIRR88]

Exactly, he has been lying to his wife all along. What makes you think he would be honest with you? Those things and names he calls her to you, do you think he says those things to her face? Does you think he blatantly disrespects her in front of her face or lies and manipulates her. Like he does you. Yes, everyone gets manipulated. The thing is OW knows he is manipulating his wife. Wife doesnt know he is manipulating OW. She doesnt even know there is an OW.

 

As for me... I didnt win any prize. I divorced his lying rear.

 

I agree with you 100 percent. Now that the affair fog is slowly lifting I realize all those things. I don’t look at him the same. Although I care about him I realize he’s a coward and a liar and I wouldn’t want my other half to possess those qualities. I know I’ll look back and be glad I didn’t continue that nonsense even though it hurts at the moment. My point was that some people argue that the MM owes absolutely nothing to the AP and the AP deserves everything they get, it just sounds so snobby. But then again the OW is the devil, most MM get a free pass because the evil OW seduced him and he just couldn’t say no! *eyeroll*

[Starswillshine]

I agree with you 100 percent. Now that the affair fog is slowly lifting I realize all those things. I don’t look at him the same. Although I care about him I realize he’s a coward and a liar and I wouldn’t want my other half to possess those qualities. I know I’ll look back and be glad I didn’t continue that nonsense even though it hurts at the moment. My point was that some people argue that the MM owes absolutely nothing to the AP and the AP deserves everything they get, it just sounds so snobby. But then again the OW is the devil, most MM get a free pass because the evil OW seduced him and he just couldn’t say no! *eyeroll*

 

Yeah, no.... I, personally, blamed everything on my xWH. I felt for his OW. But then I placed blame on her for what she did to me. Because she was upset with him, because she resented me, because I was the one in the way. She caused hell for me. But that is besides the point. I dont think OW are evil. However, I think OW are in the position of knowing the truth and having the information that BS arent aware of. That is the difference. So it should not come to a surprise that he is lying and manipulating the OW.

 

In the case of OP... he didnt want to pursue the full affair. It seems this case was strictly online. Easy to type out those words, a different story to pull the trigger. Add to the fact, OP is also married... how is she any different? I mean maybe the MM was thinking to himself... geez I want a divorce but do I really want to be with a cheater? Hard stomp on the brakes...

[Secretgal34]

Yeah, no.... I, personally, blamed everything on my xWH. I felt for his OW. But then I placed blame on her for what she did to me. Because she was upset with him, because she resented me, because I was the one in the way. She caused hell for me. But that is besides the point. I dont think OW are evil. However, I think OW are in the position of knowing the truth and having the information that BS arent aware of. That is the difference. So it should not come to a surprise that he is lying and manipulating the OW.

 

In the case of OP... he didnt want to pursue the full affair. It seems this case was strictly online. Easy to type out those words, a different story to pull the trigger. Add to the fact, OP is also married... how is she any different? I mean maybe the MM was thinking to himself... geez I want a divorce but do I really want to be with a cheater? Hard stomp on the brakes...

He doesn’t want a divorce

[LIRR88]

Yeah, no.... I, personally, blamed everything on my xWH. I felt for his OW. But then I placed blame on her for what she did to me. Because she was upset with him, because she resented me, because I was the one in the way. She caused hell for me. But that is besides the point. I dont think OW are evil. However, I think OW are in the position of knowing the truth and having the information that BS arent aware of. That is the difference. So it should not come to a surprise that he is lying and manipulating the OW.

 

In the case of OP... he didnt want to pursue the full affair. It seems this case was strictly online. Easy to type out those words, a different story to pull the trigger. Add to the fact, OP is also married... how is she any different? I mean maybe the MM was thinking to himself... geez I want a divorce but do I really want to be with a cheater? Hard stomp on the brakes...

 

I’m sorry you went through hell, but I’m glad you were strong enough to not put up with that and move on. I do think there are situations where the OW purposely tries to hurt the BS, like in your case, and that just sucks. I never wanted anything from MM other than his love and affection. We were there for each other when we were both going through tough times. I guess you live and you learn, I honestly wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worse enemy.

[Secretgal34]

At this point I am completely pegged as the bad guy did, I lost someone I cared about very much and every woman that comes on here and talks about this unbelievable connection I felt it but you will just want to make me out to be this horrible cheating bastard that’s fine I guess but no he’s not leaving he’s not divorcing and that is why I have not contacted him. I’ve left him alone

[Naivewomen]

Maybe what he thought he needed was an affair but then realized he couldn't live with that betrayal and guilt. I mean he could have just been honest and said this. He had no regard for how you would feel. It was ALL about HIM and HIS needs. Guess he will continue to figure that out but at least you are removed from the toxicity. Count your blessings!

[Naivewomen]

Btw, I know all about the connection! You are not alone!! Its a rare connection so I understand how you valued it!!!!! Just keep moving forward because if you felt it I am sure he did too but it doesnt matter that all.

 

You can keep the memory of it but understand it's nothing more. It's about acceptance and forgiveness now and doing the hardwork to figure out yourself!!! I believe in you!

[DKT3]

Maybe what he thought he needed was an affair but then realized he couldn't live with that betrayal and guilt. I mean he could have just been honest and said this. He had no regard for how you would feel. It was ALL about HIM and HIS needs. Guess he will continue to figure that out but at least you are removed from the toxicity. Count your blessings!

 

Doesn't this describe everyone in affairs? Looking out for themselves when other are dependent on them, selfish, cowardly? Why is it only MM seem to get hit with this tags?

 

Secretgal, why are you so concerned with not being the bad guy? Frankly you are as it concerns your family, your actions are destructive to your family and you cant blame that on anyone else.

[Turning point]

Where we disagree is that the APs owe each other nothing. .... That's like saying it's OK to lead on, lie to and manipulate the AP..

 

Lies and manipulation are a prerequisite to attaining an affair partner. It's another double standard.

 

Are we stealing from Peter to pay Paul, or repaying Peter with his own money we originally intended to steal from Paul, before we ripped off Peter?

 

What's Bernie Madoff's take on extramarital affairs?

[DKT3]

Its one of the things that continue to amaze me. Why would anyone be so trusting of someone who lies and cheats on the person they have built a life and family with? Why would you not expect this person to be dishonest with you as well? I've just never got that.

[mark clemson]

Side point to some of the recent turns in this thread -

 

Sometimes the spouse really isn't who you owe decency to. I'm talking about cases of the spouse being truly awful/abusive etc. At risk of stating the obvious, an affair turns out to be the "easier but ultimately harder/shortsighted" answer to that problem. The real solution of a divorce is harder in the short term but makes a LOT more sense in the long term.

 

Although it's not something I recommend, sometimes divorce is the right thing to do (viz having an affair). It's just more painful in the short term + sometimes local laws make it even tougher.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 absolutely the same applies for the MW. However I can tell you when emotions are involved and you have never cheated before you just believe your situation is different!! Had I never read these posts and educated myself from many articles I would have remained stuck in believing that theory. I had myself convinced it was REAL love. Clueless and naive yes and I can no longer claim those two personality traits any longer. Being removed from the affair and the fog very removed so many new things surface daily. Everyone deserves another chance at this thing called LOVE.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 because we r led to believe that they are equally as torn. They make you believe it's more than sex. They say all the right things to make you believe they truly cant live without you. I mean it's very convincing.

 

I am sure that MOST OW/MW on this forum will never do this again. We are all just trying to understand how we could have been so manipulated. It makes us feel weak and we dont like it one bit. I am the furthest from weak but I was definitely weak in this situation.

[mark clemson]

Its one of the things that continue to amaze me. Why would anyone be so trusting of someone who lies and cheats on the person they have built a life and family with? Why would you not expect this person to be dishonest with you as well? I've just never got that.

 

 

I think there's actually an answer to this - I think for purposes of this issue, there are 2 main types:

 

I think there are those who are unhappy in their marriage and may be looking at the affair (rather naively) as a new relationship. So, they approach it (again naively) with the same emotional sincerity they would approach a regular relationship. If you assume the AP is coming from the same perspective (not truly a reasonable assumption, but I think one that people seem to make) then the person hopes for "decent treatment" from the AP as one might expect (or at least hope for) from a normal partner.

 

As you point out - this view doesn't stand up well to scrutiny - for the reasons you point out. But I don't think that's on people's minds during the "high" of the early affair. (Also, in any relationship, emotions can fluctuate, but that's a more general point.)

 

I think the second type is more the (personality disordered/sociopathic/only-in-it-for sex) "user" type. Possibly to include some revenge affair folks. These folks don't even initially have genuine emotional sincerity towards an AP and probably little intention to care for their feelings except to get what they want.

 

Unfortunately, they may fake it pretty well. There's no real way to know which type you have. Even if they end it badly (e.g. by ghosting) they may or may not have had sincere feelings at the start.

 

Think this dichotomy and the caveats actually apply in normal single relationships as well.

[DKT3]

Mark you make a good point....I've been dealing with infidelity for over a decade. Read books, joined support groups, led support groups talked to hundreds of people from all three sides. One thing I find is very common....history rewriting. Marriages and spouses become much worse once people enter into affairs. It's not to say they aren't bad or unpleasant. So really it's hard to tell. Very rarely do you ever see a MW say my marriage is good, my husband is a good guy, but statistically speaking at least half of them are.

 

The problem is the person having an affair, every marriage in the history of the world has had issues, every married person has been unhappy with the marriage and spouses at some point. It's all in how you handle it.

 

When my wife cheated, my first thought was all bets are off, I'm free to do whatever with whoever. That lasted all of three days. Then it dawned on me, I loved her and I'm not comfortable doing things that I know will hurt her and no she still didn't deserve that.

[LIRR88]

Side point to some of the recent turns in this thread -

 

Sometimes the spouse really isn't who you owe decency to. I'm talking about cases of the spouse being truly awful/abusive etc. At risk of stating the obvious, an affair turns out to be the "easier but ultimately harder/shortsighted" answer to that problem. The real solution of a divorce is harder in the short term but makes a LOT more sense in the long term.

 

Although it's not something I recommend, sometimes divorce is the right thing to do (viz having an affair). It's just more painful in the short term + sometimes local laws make it even tougher.

 

Mark I’m glad you brought this up because this is exactly my situation. You’ve read my other posts but for those that haven’t my partner is 23 years old than me and he is abusive and controlling, not physically but emotionally. He has broken me down all these years, he’s excellent at manipulating and gaslighting me, he has called me awful names in front of the kids, even went as far as to say I will never find anyone that will love me. A lot of people are quick to say things like “why don’t you just leave” and honestly it’s not that easy, especially when you’re basically alone. I’m looking at the long term, if I stay now and finish school i’ll have a better chance of giving my kids a great life and being independent. If I leave now i’ll be struggling to make it and the father of my kids is resentful, he would make my life hell. MM has an unhappy marriage yet he has no restrictions, he goes out without his wife whenever he wants. I think that’s why I feel so much resentment, he’s out there livin his best life while I’m essentially trapped. I’m not saying having an affair is the answer to your problems, but for me it’s opened up my eyes and made me realize the love of my life is out there, and I know when I find him he’ll treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

[mark clemson]

I’m looking at the long term, if I stay now and finish school i’ll have a better chance of giving my kids a great life and being independent. If I leave now i’ll be struggling to make it and the father of my kids is resentful, he would make my life hell. MM has an unhappy marriage yet he has no restrictions, he goes out without his wife whenever he wants. I think that’s why I feel so much resentment, he’s out there livin his best life while I’m essentially trapped. I’m not saying having an affair is the answer to your problems, but for me it’s opened up my eyes and made me realize the love of my life is out there, and I know when I find him he’ll treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

 

Fair enough - at least you have a plan to escape your negative situation. Hopefully you'll be able to move on reasonably smoothly at some point (recognize that might be a lot to hope for) or at least be able to fully extricate yourself. Really an affair is a distraction from that goal.

 

FWIW think if the MM's "best life" is hating his wife and cheating on her regularly, well that doesn't say much does it...

[DKT3]

Mark I’m glad you brought this up because this is exactly my situation. You’ve read my other posts but for those that haven’t my partner is 23 years old than me and he is abusive and controlling, not physically but emotionally. He has broken me down all these years, he’s excellent at manipulating and gaslighting me, he has called me awful names in front of the kids, even went as far as to say I will never find anyone that will love me. A lot of people are quick to say things like “why don’t you just leave” and honestly it’s not that easy, especially when you’re basically alone. I’m looking at the long term, if I stay now and finish school i’ll have a better chance of giving my kids a great life and being independent. If I leave now i’ll be struggling to make it and the father of my kids is resentful, he would make my life hell. MM has an unhappy marriage yet he has no restrictions, he goes out without his wife whenever he wants. I think that’s why I feel so much resentment, he’s out there livin his best life while I’m essentially trapped. I’m not saying having an affair is the answer to your problems, but for me it’s opened up my eyes and made me realize the love of my life is out there, and I know when I find him he’ll treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

Has it accrued to you that MM is the reason his marriage is a bad one?

 

On a human level I get it, I've been divorced and coming to that decision is very difficult, yet it was the best decision for me and my children. I was at a point were I simply didn't respect thier mother and instead of allow that lack of respect to manifest in front of them it's better to be apart.

 

Long term isnt being in a better position to provide the same lifestyle for your children, long term is setting them up with the tools to navigate the difficulties of life...what lessons are you teaching them by cheating and staying in an abusive marriage so you can position yourself better?

[LIRR88]

Has it accrued to you that MM is the reason his marriage is a bad one?

 

On a human level I get it, I've been divorced and coming to that decision is very difficult, yet it was the best decision for me and my children. I was at a point were I simply didn't respect thier mother and instead of allow that lack of respect to manifest in front of them it's better to be apart.

 

Long term isnt being in a better position to provide the same lifestyle for your children, long term is setting them up with the tools to navigate the difficulties of life...what lessons are you teaching them by cheating and staying in an abusive marriage so you can position yourself better?

 

Unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes you’re no one to judge me. Eventually I want to leave my situation, that’s why I’m putting my education first. And although you may feel that way, being able to give my kids the world is extremely important to me. I love them so much that I rather be miserable and stay with their dad for now. He is a good father, him and I are just not compatible. I find your post extremely rude and judgmental.