Words and Support to all here. Would love you’re responses too.

[Secretgal34]

And that’s why I’m here to get sound advice and try to fix what has happened

[Starswillshine]

The problem is you and MM are the same.

 

However, it seems MM chickened out many times. But you would have turned this into a full fledged affair.

 

And now you are angry with him.

[stillafool]

We were talking divorce last night and it had nothing to do with the EA. It’s all the other problems we have.

 

A lot of you will say I should have divorced my husband and yes I have considered we’ve split up 4 times but we keep trying to make it work with much failure. I don’t know where to go from here.

 

If your marriage is this bad that you've split 4 times and are still talking about divorce why don't you just do it and seek happiness. You are in love with another man whether he leaves his wife or not. I imagine if MM wanted to leave his wife and be with you you would divorce. It sounds like your husband has had enough also. I don't see any love here.

[Secretgal34]

The problem is you and MM are the same.

 

However, it seems MM chickened out many times. But you would have turned this into a full fledged affair.

 

And now you are angry with him.

 

I’m not angry with him for backing out I’m angry with him for continuously coming back. Look it doesn’t matter what I say I’m the bad guy here. I’d i had no feelings I wouldn’t be here seeking help but that doesn’t matter either.

Edited June 27, 2019 by Secretgal34

[heartwhole2]

Is this a case of you being angry because he really did wrong by you, or you being angry because you feel foolish and rejected?

[Secretgal34]

Is this a case of you being angry because he really did wrong by you, or you being angry because you feel foolish and rejected?

 

Truthfully both. I definitely feel that he could have been more honest. He didn’t have to keep coming back saying he missed me how bad he wanted me etc.

[stillafool]

Blame yourself for continually taking him back. Why are you blaming him for your actions?

[DKT3]

And that is the bottom line for all of this...poor me the victim.

 

You have control over your life, any and every decision you made is your responsibility. He only came back because you allowed it, your marriage is in horrible shape because you have allowed it. It's on you, not your husband or your boyfriend. Again clean it up. You dont need advice on how to do it, just need to start.

 

There is no future with this MM so stop, just stop. Your marriage sounds loveless and highly dysfunctional with very little to no honesty. What are you doing to fix that? Messing around with other guys and fantasizing about what could be and magical connections doesn't change that you need to do something in your house.

[mark clemson]

This is all true. And it does take 2 to fix a marriage - one alone can't do it. IF the husband can't or won't play ball. To extend your metaphor - if she cleans up the pile of elephant dung it will not help the house stay clean if there is also a leaky roof and paint peeling off the walls because the H is constantly being a jerk or what have you.

 

I'm not saying that is the case. Just pointing out that is also an element here. It does sound like his PAST actions have been pretty negative. The state of her marriage overall isn't just on her.

[Secretgal34]

I don’t think I'm the victim here but to say it’s all my fault I don’t know about that. I came on here to work through my emotions in order to stay away from MM. Yes it’s a dead end I don’t intend on speaking to him again but there are emotions I’m working through. This is the first and last time I’ll ever do something like this because apparently no matter how it goes down it just never ends well and it’s your fault for allowing it. You guys have opened my eyes and I appreciate that because if I was on the other end I’d probably say the same thing. “You has no business doing what you did” but I did it and I’m trying to work through it. I take plenty of blame for everything but to say that every little thing that has happened is my fault I’m sorry I just can’t agree with that.

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

Asaysno, the point in telling is that all people have a right to autonomy over their bodies and their life choices. A marriage where one partner is robbing the other of their bodily autonomy can never be healthy. If they choose to stay together after DDay, then they can turn their marriage into something quite healthy. It's not that hard to see how a WS is spinning the tale if you are a healthy person yourself.

 

You are not telling to get a desired outcome for yourself. You are telling because it is the right thing to do.

 

 

Just to point out - if you are weighing telling a BS (which can be a healthy choice for SOME), be aware that in a few states spouses can actually sue affair partners, potentially for large sums of money, for "alienation of affection." So, you probably want to consult a family attorney in the relevant state before making a decision to tell. This would be ONE factor to consider (for the few states where it applies) in any decision. Many family attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consultations.

[Orokotikki]

Very few states have an alienation of affection law on the books, and of them, even fewer can enforce them, unfortunately, allowing people to avoid consequences for transgressions.

[PashkaAnastinakis]

Yes, I am signing after that. We really deserve to be treated better. I am sorry that your EA has hurt your marriage, but I am also glad that it will probably not be any more, because I hope you can manage the crisis. It's good that you have mastered yourself in time - even at the expense of your own nerves.

I keep my fingers crossed so that now it's only better. I now have a rather "uncertain and mixed" period in my emotional life, so I understand how you feel. And I also wondered some time ago about blaming women for starting EA. It's like a weak gender, but it's not bad enough. And speaking seriously - for men, the possession of OW is mostly ennobling; when a woman meets MM, she is immediately invaded, like the woman you wrote about. It is significant that she is accused of playing with fire, but since when are men so deprived of self-control that they do not control their own behavior? This woman did not have EA with herself at the end. And I'm not surprised at her that she succumbed. There is enough evidence in this forum about how easy it is to be. I am still surprised by some social short-sightedness and stigmatization over the word. I do not worship EA and I do not think that every woman involved in is completely innocent, but EA is often the result of someone's rational action and the effect of a well-thought-out strategy. Maybe it is sometimes worth considering the position and motives of two parties, not just one.

[DKT3]

I don’t think I'm the victim here but to say it’s all my fault I don’t know about that. I came on here to work through my emotions in order to stay away from MM. Yes it’s a dead end I don’t intend on speaking to him again but there are emotions I’m working through. This is the first and last time I’ll ever do something like this because apparently no matter how it goes down it just never ends well and it’s your fault for allowing it. You guys have opened my eyes and I appreciate that because if I was on the other end I’d probably say the same thing. “You has no business doing what you did” but I did it and I’m trying to work through it. I take plenty of blame for everything but to say that every little thing that has happened is my fault I’m sorry I just can’t agree with that.

 

You have to understand that we all have stories, some of us have successfully navigated out of infidelity, some like me kinda Forrest Gumped our way and dumb lucked into some pretty good situations. Point being we do understand.

 

Part of understanding is knowing you control your own path, you placed yourself In an affair, ultimately it doesn't matter what he said, had you said no it would not have happened. Same with your marriage.

 

So yes you are responsible for it all, why? Because you make the decision to stay in a loveless dysfunctional marriage and then entered into an affair.

[pepperbird]

E

I'm not saying that the other person doesn't have any responsibility, just stating that society tends to name women as homewreckers and never even tries to get in their shoes to see that they are actually a victim too. Sure, not an innocent victim, but still a victim. In most cases at least.

 

 

A victim?

How, exactly? If it was a woman falling for a single guy and it didn't work out, few would see her as a "victim". This is no different.These people are not children.

 

In fact, casting ow/om as victims is incredibly harmful. It makes the affair something that happened to them, not something they allowed to happen. By taking responsibility, he or she puts themselves back in charge of their life and decisions. What they allowed to happen ( the affair) they can prevent in the future.

[pepperbird]

Yeah that’s just the thing - there doesn’t seem to be any point in OW telling BS minus a few exceptional circumstances.

 

 

I am so glad my WS didn't chicken out and he told me the truth. If he hand;t, I wouldn't have been prepared for the crapstorm I was subjected to by his OW.

[pepperbird]

II take plenty of blame for everything but to say that every little thing that has happened is my fault I’m sorry I just can’t agree with that.

 

 

Don't you see...what you can't control, you can't change. By trying to blame your mm, even a tiny bit, for your behavior and subsequent heartbreak, you re hurting more than helping yourself. it also continues to allow your ex-mm to have control over you.

For instance, doesn't saying" I screwed up. I did a lot that I shouldn't have and I should have known better. That doesn't mean I am a bad person or can't make good choices. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't have to be true with me. I am intelligent, capable and willing to work hard to heal from this. I am also a good person with a kind heart, and I need to find myself again and I know I can do it" make a lot of sense? It gives you one hell of a lot more power over your life than " MM hurt me so badly and it's his fault". That attitude just keeps him in your mind and heart, and it doesn't sound like that's where you want him to be.

You'll get through this. You just need to find yourself again.

[lftbehind]

I posted last week about and EA that ended a month ago with no ending so to speak he just stopped talking to me. I have kept to my word and have not contacted him but my emotions are all over the place. Some days I’m relieved and some days I’m angry. I’m angry because these men just get to slink back away to their lives and not care while these OW and the clueless wives suffer......

 

Hi Secretgal34, sorry that you're going through the pain of your EA ending. It's good that it didn't get physical, but it sounds like you were very attached to your AP. I can understand your anger, too. He probably cared about you, but cared about himself more. You'll have to have your own closure and realize that your better off without someone that can just end it that.

 

I've had A, too and you're right the OW usually gets blamed for things and when things go wrong, she deserves whatever happens to her. I realized that I've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be mistreated and either do you.

 

It's not an excuse, but my husband has mistreated me, too. I'm trying to make it work with him, but I'm having problems reconnecting with him. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Edited June 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

I don't get this concept of trying to figure who to assign the blame to. All adults are 100% responsible for their own choices and behaviour. There is no absolving oneself of blame or sharing of blame. The MM in this situation is 100% at fault for his dishonest behaviour and the OP is 100% at fault for her dishonest behaviour. It's not a gender thing either, it's just that most of the posters in this forum are single or married OW and we address the person who is posting. When a cheating married man posts here or in the infidelity forum he gets raked over the coals even worse.

 

OP I get that you feel hurt and you have a right to feel whatever you feel but you have no moral superiority over the MM in your situation. If he is married then the person he has wronged is his wife, not you. From reading your first thread it seems that you were eagerly wanting to begin a full blown affair with him, while he was the one who was conflicted. He enjoyed toying with the idea of having an affair but he couldn't go through with it. You wanted to do something wrong and you are hurt that the MM decided not to participate in your wrong doing.

 

It was wrong of him to pursue you because he owes his wife honesty and fidelity, he doesn't owe you anything. It was wrong of you to reciprocate because you are also a married woman and engaging in deceitful immoral behaviour is not the way to fix your marital issues. So you are both 100% at fault. I can agree with you that the MM did wrong but that doesn't make you less wrong.

 

Now that the MM is out of the picture figure out what you are going to do about your miserable marriage. If your husband is the ghastly beast you have portrayed him to be then you should probably be getting a divorce.

[FMW]

I have a thread here documenting my affair with a MM which began a few months before I initiated divorce from my husband, so this comes from my own experience of having been there.

 

No one ever knows what the truth is for someone else, but honestly it doesn't matter what his life is like, whether perfect or tortured, it has nothing to do with you now.

 

Resenting what you see as him getting away unscathed means you aren't taking responsibility for yourself and your choices. He's guilty of plenty, but again, it just doesn't really matter, you chose to be involved with him knowing he had a wife. Your choice resulted in the pain you are feeling now.

 

Also the fact that you resent that he's not suffering to me says the relationship for you was more about meeting a need you had, NOT about truly caring about him.

 

I was fully involved with the MM in my situation for 3 years, I loved him and chose to stick with him while he chose to stay married. He eventually ghosted me in a humiliating way. I don't want anything to do with him now - but I don't want him to be unhappy or suffering, I never wonder why I have to hurt while he goes on his merry way. The answer to that why is all about my own choices.

 

You're going to be vulnerable to another relationship like this unless you face and deal with the why, meaning taking a hard look at yourself and your marriage. Being honest with yourself is the only way to move forward.

[PhoenixRising8]

Anika, I agree with your first paragraph 100%. We all own 100% of the decisions we make. Where we disagree is that the APs owe each other nothing. That's like saying we owe our family everything and nothing to anyone else. We should treat ALL people the way we want to be treated. That's like saying it's OK to lead on, lie to and manipulate the AP. Sorry but I don't think any number of wrongs strung together make a right or absolve us of doing the right thing, even if it's only the AP.

[LIRR88]

OP i’ve dealt with everything you’re going through. I feel resentment that MM gets to go about his life like it’s nothing. I do think he’s somewhat suffering because he’s very emotional and sensitive about everything, I seen him in person and he gained a lot of weight and his energy is really off, he seems genuinely unhappy. But still that didn’t stop him from taking his wifey on vacation last month. He literally use to rant all day about how unhappy he is and how he can’t stand her because she’s a “ C U % T”. He even admitted that last summer before we met he was talking to other women because he’s been unhappy for a while. A part of me wants to tell his BS because I would want to know. He’s a bus driver for the city, he picks up women all day long. I know eventually once I’m fully detached and moved on, he will cheat on her again. But I doubt she’d leave him. She’s older, she has no education, and they have a daughter, so she depends on him. He bought her a house and has her living well financially. She will probably put up with it as long as her lifestyle is unaffected.

[anika99]

Anika, I agree with your first paragraph 100%. We all own 100% of the decisions we make. Where we disagree is that the APs owe each other nothing. That's like saying we owe our family everything and nothing to anyone else. We should treat ALL people the way we want to be treated. That's like saying it's OK to lead on, lie to and manipulate the AP. Sorry but I don't think any number of wrongs strung together make a right or absolve us of doing the right thing, even if it's only the AP.

 

Huh? I certainly owe my family more than I owe the person who is helping me do my family wrong. Like what exactly does the MM in this situation owe the OP? Does he owe her a full blown affair? Are you saying he was wrong to walk away before the affair was fully underway? Or are you going to say he owes her some sort of closure conversation? That doesn't ever work. Affair partners are like crack to each other, every communication is a hit that further fuels the addiction.

 

Yes I agree that we should treat all people the we want to be treated but that ship has obviously sailed once an affair is underway. Neither the cheater or the affair partner is interested in treating the cheater's spouse and family the way they wish to be treated. They plot and conspire together to destroy the marriage and break up the family. We see OW here all the time talking about how their MM is going to ditch his marriage and wife as soon as he figures out how to get the best deal for himself. When the AP gets ditched instead then they rail with anger and outrage that they were lied to and deceived and ultimately dropped but when it was the wife being hurt and deceived then it was all fine and dandy.

 

So I don't believe that cheaters and affair partners care much about treating ALL people the way they wish to be treated. They care about how the are treated but they certainly don't like be on the receiving end of the way they have treated others.

[PhoenixRising8]

Agreed. Family is first priority. I'm just saying at some point, when future faking and promises enter the picture, it's hurtful and wrong and makes it worse in the long haul. Just because it's an AP doesn't make it right. In a perfect world, we would be honest with all but we don't live in a perfect world.

[Secretgal34]

Huh? I certainly owe my family more than I owe the person who is helping me do my family wrong. Like what exactly does the MM in this situation owe the OP? Does he owe her a full blown affair? Are you saying he was wrong to walk away before the affair was fully underway? Or are you going to say he owes her some sort of closure conversation? That doesn't ever work. Affair partners are like crack to each other, every communication is a hit that further fuels the addiction.

 

Yes I agree that we should treat all people the we want to be treated but that ship has obviously sailed once an affair is underway. Neither the cheater or the affair partner is interested in treating the cheater's spouse and family the way they wish to be treated. They plot and conspire together to destroy the marriage and break up the family. We see OW here all the time talking about how their MM is going to ditch his marriage and wife as soon as he figures out how to get the best deal for himself. When the AP gets ditched instead then they rail with anger and outrage that they were lied to and deceived and ultimately dropped but when it was the wife being hurt and deceived then it was all fine and dandy.

 

So I don't believe that cheaters and affair partners care much about treating ALL people the way they wish to be treated. They care about how the are treated but they certainly don't like be on the receiving end of the way they have treated others.

 

Omg no I dont think he owed me to go through with it. A simple “I can’t do this let’s just be friends” would have been just fine. I wouldn’t have tried to convince him otherwise.

Yes I’m angry and yes I’m hurt but by all these comments being read I’m glad nothing happened because a year from now I’d just be crying that it didn’t work out. Sadly I know people who have done way worse and get away with and not care. I’m on here seeking help and getting help for myself I have an appointment. Not that makes me better then anyone else but I’m trying to own this so I can move on.