Separated Man Finally Divorced and after 6 months, trying to go back to his wife

[SunnyGirl1984]

No, I didn't take it as minimizing at all - but it did raise the question in my mind. I guess I never really thought of it like that at all. There was sexual interest there, I just couldn't go through with it unless we were both legitimately 'free' - he was, but I was not. Also, I am thinking about these women who fall in love with prisoners after writing them back and forth for years. I never understood how that happened. The light bulb just went on while reading these threads making me wonder if it is the SAME thing with me - except of course he isn't in jail, obviously - but I don't see him that much, it's mostly virtual.

 

 

 

I don’t mean to minimize your relationship in any way... but after a year of dating, I would expect to be spending more time together (more than once a month) and that the relationship was sexual. Healthy relationships don’t start hot and heavy - usually. But, they also progress... the emotional and physical intimacy increases, you spend more time together, you travel, you begin to plan a life together.

 

The important thing - it’s not just words. It’s actions.

[FMW]

Most days would you say you are at least a 8 or 9 if not 10? Wondering if TIME will allow me to get to the place you are.

 

I'm probably generally around 7 or 8. That's after being around 5 or 6 ten months ago when he ghosted me. I certainly believe time improves things for all of us as long as we don't allow ourselves to wallow. Actively work on moving forward.

[SunnyGirl1984]

OHHHH, no. I am in for a lengthy recovery. Was hoping you would say 8's and 9's - though I guess 7 and 8's are still pretty good. DANG. Why does this have to be so hard?? I am only a month or so into this NC. I probably am also 5's and 6's. Dang. I'll keep working on it.

 

 

I'm probably generally around 7 or 8. That's after being around 5 or 6 ten months ago when he ghosted me. I certainly believe time improves things for all of us as long as we don't allow ourselves to wallow. Actively work on moving forward.

[BaileyB]

I guess I never really thought of it like that at all. There was sexual interest there, I just couldn't go through with it unless we were both legitimately 'free' - he was, but I was not.

 

You did what many women do when they are in an unhappy or abusive marriage - you built a bridge for yourself with this relationship... otherwise known as monkey branching from one relationship to another... otherwise know as an “exit affair.” Sure, it wasn’t sexual but it was certainly and emotional affair.

 

With respect, you need a counsellor more than a boyfriend right now. The problem with “exit affairs” is often that women are so desperate - they don’t do their due diligence to assess the new partner to see if he is a quality partner. In many cases, he’s not... because a quality partner doesn’t put themselves in a situation to be in an emotional affair with a married woman. But hey, it’s hard to tell the woman that because she usually builds a fantasy around this man - such that the sun rises and sets on his shoulders... does this sound familiar?

 

I hope counselling will help you develop your own strength, self-awareness, and resiliency such that you WILL be able to leave your bad marriage to stand on your own two feet. You DON’T need a man to help you do this. You can, and should, do it on your own. And only then, will you be ready and able to attract a quality and healthy man into your life...

 

And to be very honest, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than spend my golden years in a bad marriage with an alcoholic. I hope you get there too... best wishes.

[mark clemson]

IMO yes, if you're serious about ending it then block. You'll just keep re-triggering the emotions if you check up on their social media or give them the opportunity to contact you.

 

Hope you're absorbing all the good advice above.

[SunnyGirl1984]

Everything you say makes perfect sense, Bailey. I am going to print this post and all of the responses back so I can go back and read it when I FORGET all of these things, and I know I will. My head knows ALL of it, but my heart will try to over-ride unless I keep reminding myself. I do have a counseling visit set up.I DO need help. And I DO miss him. WRONG as that is, after what he did and given the whole situation, but I do. I need healing.

 

 

 

Also, I had another recollection pop up today that I had forgotten about. At one point, he told me this was the third time in his 25-year marriage they had been separated - though this time he actually went through with D.Other times he left for 6 months and 12 and went back both times. THAT should have been a red flag. Do you agree? I guess I thought this time wasn't the same because he actually went through with the D, BUT...........he is still going back - or says he wants to and is "working on it". Shouldn't all of THAT be a red flag that he had left twice before for a lengthy time period? Is that "normal" in any LT relationship? I don't think it is, but of course haven't exactly taken a poll from people, lol.

 

I have another update I will post below. I was/am stunned.

 

 

 

You did what many women do when they are in an unhappy or abusive marriage - you built a bridge for yourself with this relationship... otherwise known as monkey branching from one relationship to another... otherwise know as an “exit affair.” Sure, it wasn’t sexual but it was certainly and emotional affair.

 

With respect, you need a counsellor more than a boyfriend right now. The problem with “exit affairs” is often that women are so desperate - they don’t do their due diligence to assess the new partner to see if he is a quality partner. In many cases, he’s not... because a quality partner doesn’t put themselves in a situation to be in an emotional affair with a married woman. But hey, it’s hard to tell the woman that because she usually builds a fantasy around this man - such that the sun rises and sets on his shoulders... does this sound familiar?

 

I hope counselling will help you develop your own strength, self-awareness, and resiliency such that you WILL be able to leave your bad marriage to stand on your own two feet. You DON’T need a man to help you do this. You can, and should, do it on your own. And only then, will you be ready and able to attract a quality and healthy man into your life...

 

And to be very honest, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than spend my golden years in a bad marriage with an alcoholic. I hope you get there too... best wishes.

[SunnyGirl1984]

Well, you won't believe this Mark Clemson. Today he "liked" one of my new pictures I posted on social media. First time I have heard a peep in over a month and BOOM. I knew I would never hear from him again, yet I did - I was SURE he was GONE and even though he hadn't deleted me from his social media, he wasn't interacting either. I felt SURE it was just so I wouldn't feel bad, but that I would never hear from him again.

 

Of course it's just a "like" - which is really meaningless I suppose. What DOES it mean if somebody does that after a month of NC? What purpose does liking your pic when the way things were left was that he was going back to W even though D has been final for a while? WHY is he liking my pic if he is doing that? Just to be nice? Because he legitimately liked the pic? Because he misses me? Because he tried going back to the W and saw it was a mistake? So many questions. I am seriously wracking my brain knowing why he did it.

 

 

Yes, had I blocked him I wouldn't be typing this. It just seems so COLD to do it. But yet here I am battling 'what if's and 'what does this mean' - I want to be PAST all of that. I am afraid to block - that may ruin any future friendship. I truly don't want to be his 'enemy' regardless of what happened.

 

 

 

IMO yes, if you're serious about ending it then block. You'll just keep re-triggering the emotions if you check up on their social media or give them the opportunity to contact you.

 

Hope you're absorbing all the good advice above.

[Beendaredonedat]

He's not even in your life anymore and he still holds all that power over you. Its too bad you don't have the strength to just delete him from everywhere so that you can get starting the rehab from your addiction to him.

 

Unfortunately, you just too another hit of your drug of choice called Unavailable Man. I have to ask you why you are so afraid of commitment that you would hold onto a man that will never commit to you. Yes, keeping him in your social media and analysing his every little action IS holding onto him.

[mark clemson]

Well, you won't believe this Mark Clemson. Today he "liked" one of my new pictures I posted on social media. First time I have heard a peep in over a month and BOOM. I knew I would never hear from him again, yet I did - I was SURE he was GONE...

 

 

Oh I believe it all right. I'm sure many regulars and lurkers around here do as well. Most likely his is testing the waters and will try to reel you back in. Seeing if he gets a reaction out of you, or the implicit permission to continue of no blocking. A few small steps at a time.

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it...

[mark clemson]

Yes, had I blocked him I wouldn't be typing this. It just seems so COLD to do it. But yet here I am battling 'what if's and 'what does this mean' - I want to be PAST all of that. I am afraid to block - that may ruin any future friendship. I truly don't want to be his 'enemy' regardless of what happened.

 

 

What exactly would the purpose be of a platonic friendship with this person?

 

A normal, "real" platonic friendship wouldn't have the relationship history and awkward leftover desires and strings attached.

 

There is a whole world of other people out there who are potential friends. Without the risk of "falling back into things".

 

Are you sure you're being completely honest with yourself here?

[SunnyGirl1984]

I guess "friendship" as in when I have to see him at those quarterly meetings I can do it with a smile and without hostility. I would not see or interact with him outside of that, it just wouldn't be possible to be a true friend. I can handle seeing him quarterly - and some of the meetings he may not even attend, they aren't "required" at least not for him.

 

 

I don't even know HOW to feel, honestly. That one stupid "like" has thrown me for a loop. I don't even think I will sleep tonight. I am playing over and over and over in my mind why he did it.

 

 

 

What exactly would the purpose be of a platonic friendship with this person?

 

A normal, "real" platonic friendship wouldn't have the relationship history and awkward leftover desires and strings attached.

 

There is a whole world of other people out there who are potential friends. Without the risk of "falling back into things".

 

Are you sure you're being completely honest with yourself here?

[SunnyGirl1984]

Do you think that's the case with just a random "like"? Do you think it's safe to say if, let's say 2-3 weeks go by and I hear nothing else, that it legitimately was that he just liked the picture and not trying to reel me back in? He said a month ago he was dedicated to trying to get back with his W. Maybe she LIKES being divorced and doesn't want him back? Or maybe it isn't going so well with these internet women - online talk but no real connection IRL? If he was trying to reel me back in, wouldn't he SAY something instead of just liking? This is killing me.

 

 

 

Oh I believe it all right. I'm sure many regulars and lurkers around here do as well. Most likely his is testing the waters and will try to reel you back in. Seeing if he gets a reaction out of you, or the implicit permission to continue of no blocking. A few small steps at a time.

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it...

[SunnyGirl1984]

YES. I know it is still holding on. I had LET GO, seriously I HAD. Until that "like" - it has thrown me for a loop. I seriously had let go.

 

 

If I can't stand to delete him, what if I just stay off social media for a while? If I don't post anything, there won't be anything there for him to like. Which will not trigger anything with me. I SERIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS DOING THIS!! Why like my picture???? WHY?? After a whole month of nothing. Maybe he really considers me in the friend zone and is good with everything, it's ME that is turmoil. Surely he cannot in his mind think about me in any other way since he was the one to take off and try to get involved in other R's.

 

 

 

 

 

He's not even in your life anymore and he still holds all that power over you. Its too bad you don't have the strength to just delete him from everywhere so that you can get starting the rehab from your addiction to him.

 

Unfortunately, you just too another hit of your drug of choice called Unavailable Man. I have to ask you why you are so afraid of commitment that you would hold onto a man that will never commit to you. Yes, keeping him in your social media and analysing his every little action IS holding onto him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am afraid to block - that may ruin any future friendship. I truly don't want to be his 'enemy' regardless of what happened.

 

SunnyGirl1984, you're not being honest with yourself. There's an awful lot of people I'm not enemies with, doesn't mean they're my friends. You're still hoping he'll see the light and rekindle the relationship and, sadly, you'd take him back in a heartbeat.

 

Have you asked yourself why the two men in your life are so flawed, why they treat you so poorly? And even worse, why you think this is all you deserve in a relationship?

 

You get what you permit. Letting these men abuse and betray you while you hang around just empowers them to treat you even more terribly. Doesn't seem like a recipe for a happy life so something has to change.

 

Are you strong enough to do it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

I guess "friendship" as in when I have to see him at those quarterly meetings I can do it with a smile and without hostility. I would not see or interact with him outside of that, it just wouldn't be possible to be a true friend. I can handle seeing him quarterly - and some of the meetings he may not even attend, they aren't "required" at least not for him.

 

That seems reasonable enough, if it's possible to accomplish.

 

 

That one stupid "like" has thrown me for a loop. I don't even think I will sleep tonight. I am playing over and over and over in my mind why he did it.

 

But this is what you're likely to get, at least for quite some time. Not fun...

[mark clemson]

Do you think that's the case with just a random "like"? Do you think it's safe to say if, let's say 2-3 weeks go by and I hear nothing else, that it legitimately was that he just liked the picture and not trying to reel me back in? He said a month ago he was dedicated to trying to get back with his W. Maybe she LIKES being divorced and doesn't want him back? Or maybe it isn't going so well with these internet women - online talk but no real connection IRL? If he was trying to reel me back in, wouldn't he SAY something instead of just liking? This is killing me.

 

 

Hard to say. You'd have to ask him really to know for sure. And then you'd be communicating. And reeled back in...

 

Think Mr. Lucky had a good post for you to think about above. (A lot of other good posts above too, just wouldn't want that one to get lost in the mix...)

[SunnyGirl1984]

NOOOO, I am trying to remind myself WHY I would not take him back. The big reason? Because I can NEVER fully trust that he wouldn't leave again. He gave NO INDICATION that he had plans to let me go, in fact it was the opposite - planning for the day that we both would be free to pursue a legitimate relationship. Then he dropped it on me like a ton of bricks as soon as the ink dried on the D papers. It literally was like a switch went off with him. How could i EVER trust him again if he did come back??? I HAVE to keep telling myself that. I do. I know that's the right thing. I have to be strong in that regard, I KNOW.

 

Do I wish he would come back and give me an explanation why he did what he did? YES. Maybe even apologize for crushing my heart? YES. Do I want to go back with him? YES, but I WON'T. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT.

 

 

Why do I think this is what I deserve? Both of them have (or had) periods when they went above and beyond and treated me like a queen. But when they crash, they really crash. The good times are really good times. I guess I keep holding on to the fact that there is a chance the good times will always come back. I DID deserve the good times. And no, I don't think I deserve the bad times.

 

 

 

 

 

SunnyGirl1984, you're not being honest with yourself. There's an awful lot of people I'm not enemies with, doesn't mean they're my friends. You're still hoping he'll see the light and rekindle the relationship and, sadly, you'd take him back in a heartbeat.

 

Have you asked yourself why the two men in your life are so flawed, why they treat you so poorly? And even worse, why you think this is all you deserve in a relationship?

 

You get what you permit. Letting these men abuse and betray you while you hang around just empowers them to treat you even more terribly. Doesn't seem like a recipe for a happy life so something has to change.

 

Are you strong enough to do it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

You can bet I will NOT be asking him. No way in Hades will I reach out to him. This is the longest I have ever went without reaching out, so I wonder if he has picked up on that or if it doesn't even register. No idea to know that either, but I feel SUPER confident in my resolve to not reach out. What I don't feel confident in is my ability to not let HIS reaching out (via a "like" or anything else) to interfere with progress in finally moving on from him - I will admit it has set me back, and he didn't have to say a word - just clicked a button. How sad is that!

 

YES - Mr. Lucky had some good advice. I responded back to him. I know the people on here must think I am really pathetic for putting up with all of this. People in love do ridiculous things. I was in love.

 

 

 

Hard to say. You'd have to ask him really to know for sure. And then you'd be communicating. And reeled back in...

 

Think Mr. Lucky had a good post for you to think about above. (A lot of other good posts above too, just wouldn't want that one to get lost in the mix...)

[mark clemson]

You can bet I will NOT be asking him. No way in Hades will I reach out to him. This is the longest I have ever went without reaching out, so I wonder if he has picked up on that or if it doesn't even register. No idea to know that either, but I feel SUPER confident in my resolve to not reach out....

 

...I know the people on here must think I am really pathetic for putting up with all of this. People in love do ridiculous things. I was in love.

 

 

Well, if you can stay strong you'll be doing pretty well IMO.

 

Sure, some will judge you perhaps, but many have been through one form or another of "ridiculous" themselves. Years and years in some cases.

 

Not sure if you've read in the Infidelity and OM/OW forums, but there's a reasonably steady drumbeat of fairly ridiculous and in some cases epicly crazy (or epicly awful for the unfortunate betrayed spouse) there.

 

Not that I'm judging, having been through an EA myself...

[Mr. Lucky]

Because I can NEVER fully trust that he wouldn't leave again.

 

I think you're missing the point. It's not about what he would do, it's about what he's done. Your role aside, he -

 

- cheated on his wife to be you

- future-faked a relationship to keep you interested

- dumped you the moment he no longer found you useful

 

Regardless of his future intentions, is that the kind of person you want to be with?

 

Do I want to go back with him? YES, but I WON'T. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT.

 

The correct answer to "Do I want to go back with him?" is "NO, he's a manipulative and narcissistic jerk, and I deserve better..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

No, haven't been to that forum. I imagine there are quite a few situations over there that would have one scratching their heads.

 

 

I did lose sleep over it last night. I am thinking about taking a social media sabbatical. That would eliminate the problem right there - and might also give me some more positive things to focus on in life, including doing some real WORK with this counselor I will be seeing. I don't want to just go and have nice chats. I want to do some REAL WORK so I can get myself and my life organized and figure out what I need to do with my home situation. That really needs to be the top priority. I do have a feeling he will be reaching out again even if it is just a random 'like'. My birthday is next month. I feel pretty confident I'll at least get an online bday greeting along with the many others people seem to do on social media, but probably nothing more personal. I hope. I am starting to resent him for "intruding" on my life when I obviously had made some great progress in getting him out of my head.

 

 

 

Well, if you can stay strong you'll be doing pretty well IMO.

 

Sure, some will judge you perhaps, but many have been through one form or another of "ridiculous" themselves. Years and years in some cases.

 

Not sure if you've read in the Infidelity and OM/OW forums, but there's a reasonably steady drumbeat of fairly ridiculous and in some cases epicly crazy (or epicly awful for the unfortunate betrayed spouse) there.

 

Not that I'm judging, having been through an EA myself...

[SunnyGirl1984]

Ouch. But you are right, Mr. Lucky.

 

Am I equally as bad as he is? After all, maybe HE is upset that I am still with my H after ALL the times I said I needed to get out and really still believe I do - it just isn't that simple or easy especially with kids involved. Maybe HE is on some board telling people "she kept staying in an insane situation so I finally left............" - I do have that lingering in the back of my mind that maybe *I* am part of the problem and not all him. I did NOT leave him to fend for himself while he was at his worst.

 

Also, I don't consider him to be cheating on his wife. There was nothing sexual AND when I connected with him on a level other than casual acquaintance (remember i had known him for YEARS), they had been separated for about six months. Do you really think that is considered cheating? Honest question.

 

I do think he dumped me when he no longer found me useful. Though I question my role in it since i was slow to leave my awful situation and am STILL in it.

 

 

 

I think you're missing the point. It's not about what he would do, it's about what he's done. Your role aside, he -

 

- cheated on his wife to be you

- future-faked a relationship to keep you interested

- dumped you the moment he no longer found you useful

 

Regardless of his future intentions, is that the kind of person you want to be with?

 

 

 

The correct answer to "Do I want to go back with him?" is "NO, he's a manipulative and narcissistic jerk, and I deserve better..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

"I don't consider him to be cheating on his wife"

Your opinion there doesn't count for much.

 

"There was nothing sexual AND when I connected with him on a level other than casual acquaintance (remember i had known him for YEARS), they had been separated for about six months."

According to him. Don't suppose you spoke to her about it.

 

 

"Do you really think that is considered cheating?"

Many people will consider it so. Others will not.

 

Separated or not, I would certainly consider your need to get a new partner lined up before 'going through' with a divorce cheating, it certainly mocks marriage as anything special or cherished.

 

'"she kept staying in an insane situation so I finally left............"'

Likely he may have thought it but he's not making a thread about he is using it to chat up other women (which is in and of itself cheating if we are to believe he is trying to go back with his wife).

 

People leaving a marriage are often quite... I want to say mercenary but that can be unfair... once they are finally single they realize what a f'd up mess it is to be involved with anyone not clearly and truly 'single' - and because they are single truly now, they needn't settle for such a ****show.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you really think that is considered cheating? Honest question.

 

Of course it is. You're still married and, as you've proven, could go back to your spouse at any point. Marriage isn't a light switch you turn on and off at your convenience, it's a socially and legally binding commitment.

 

If you want to connect with another man "on a level other than casual acquaintance", get a divorce. You're living the complications and drama resulting from mixing married and single lives - how'd it work for you ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

What I mean, Mr. Lucky is that HE was not cheating. I am not proud that I got entangled with him even though I AM married despite H and I both knowing we are in limbo right now and essentially 'separated' status. I was referring to HIM and that HE was not cheating. Even when I connected with him, they had long been separated just waiting on the legalities. Both of them knew that relationship was over, just waiting on it to be finalized. How is that really him cheating? I'm not talking about ME - but about HIM.

 

 

 

I guess what I am getting at is that YES, I do feel like I should not have let things transpire the way I did, and maybe the way he is acting now is not on him, it's on me - i.e., one would expect him to act that way after I let things go on and am still not legally divorced. We both were in very toxic situations - he wound up getting out and legally divorced. I am still in it, holding on to a crumbling relationship because I don't want to be single and trying to find somebody else. It was either him or stay where I am at. When he decided he wanted to go back, well - I would rather learn to just survive as I am than go into the singles world. I am not cut out for that.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course it is. You're still married and, as you've proven, could go back to your spouse at any point. Marriage isn't a light switch you turn on and off at your convenience, it's a socially and legally binding commitment.

 

If you want to connect with another man "on a level other than casual acquaintance", get a divorce. You're living the complications and drama resulting from mixing married and single lives - how'd it work for you ?

 

Mr. Lucky