Separated Man Finally Divorced and after 6 months, trying to go back to his wife

[SunnyGirl1984]

Going to go back and read some of your posts, FindingMyWay. That sounds awful. How did you find out he was with yet someone else?!? That is awful. What is wrong with these guys? I would not be surprised if mine gets back with his wife AND sees someone else as well. Over time I saw glimpses of things that made me realize he likes the ladies too much, and actually his online stuff is with people half his age. Which I guess is a whole different topic. I don't know if he goes out with any of them, but he does a lot of online interacting with them - maybe they just see him as a "harmless" older man (I used to be that way in my 20's, though looking back now, I realize some of those guys probably were legitimately interested in me as a single, 20-something chick). I cannot believe yours ghosted you after THREE YEARS! Do you ever hear from him? Do you "See" him on social media? Going to read through some of your posts.

 

Oh - and glad you are not lacking for attention. I seriously would be afraid I would struggle to find "quality" people. NOt even looking as a married person, I get random dudes trying to reach out to me UNSOLICITED on social media. And hear horror stories from friends who are single. I know there are billions of people on the planet, but the only observations I have from afar are that they are all in the category of 'crazies' and people who aren't really my thing (including appearing to do a lot of drinking, which is what I am trying to get away from - and just wanting to do a lot of casual relationships type of thing).

 

 

 

I'm glad my posts help you

 

I have a thread here that tells all about my embarrassing and pathetic experience with the separated man. After 2 years his wife moved back in with him, although according to him they were just roommates as she could no longer afford to live separately. She's Catholic and doesn't want to divorce, he has cancer that will be terminal within a few years and is covered by the insurance he has through her work. So for those and whatever other reasons, they remain married.

 

Last year, three years into our relationship (yes, I was stupid and kept seeing him after she moved back in with him), he ghosted me and I found out it was to be with ANOTHER woman. While he remains married.

 

So that's a really good cautionary tale for you to NOT get involved with someone unless they and you have no existing ties to another mate. If you read here you'll see nothing but heartache comes from it.

[mark clemson]

How do people just DO that?!? I will never understand. I just never expected it with this guy, up until then, he had been so over-the-top a nice guy from the get go. NEVER would have seen it coming, it was like a switch flipped with him. Which is what makes it so odd. I wonder, too if the theory of "true colors" applies - you know, over time, people show their true colors? It has been just over a year, so maybe the 'real' him finally came out. It just makes no sense and until I get some peace about it all, my brain is going to drive me crazy.

 

 

The other person in ANY relationship is always something of an unknown variable. It's quite possible that his feelings for you were sincere (at the time, to an extent) but not strong enough to outweigh the lure of freedom to sleep around. Feelings are important but they don't simply turn off the other parts of one's brain that may be involved in making decisions.

 

Your EA may have been a form of monkeybranching so that he felt certain he had a soft landing after divorce if he needed one.

 

Also, if he's really going back to his wife, he's clearly conflicted and probably has been for much of the time. She may have "sweetened the deal" for him in ways that are not obvious from the outside (if she actually wants him back).

[mark clemson]

he likes the ladies too much, and actually his online stuff is with people half his age. Which I guess is a whole different topic. I don't know if he goes out with any of them, but he does a lot of online interacting with them

 

 

This suggests he also has a strong desire for validation. You provided that. It may be that he has some narcissistic qualities in that he looks to women for validation but then "shuts off" quickly once he has that and finds new/different women. He's probably getting it from other sources (than you and/or his xwife) now too.

[SunnyGirl1984]

This makes a lot of sense. I get the feeling as it stands, he really could care less if I stayed or went - if I went, he could drink freely with nobody calling him out on it, so he may actually PREFER that I went. What you are suggesting sounds good anyway - with or without him - we are ALL individuals and don't need to lose sight of who we are. I need to think about what that "it" might be that I could do. And wise words - it doesn't matter WHAT, just something. I'll keep that in my mind as I know I will struggle with WHAT it is I might want to do.

 

 

 

To make yourself happier, look at your interests then indulge in them. Garden, spend time with your friends, volunteer somewhere, take up a new hobby. What you do isn't as important as you do something! As you start to again accomplish things & remember that you are a whole person, separate from being somebody's wife & somebody's mother, you may get motivated to make changes. Who knows your husband may wake up & remember what a great person you are & take steps to rekindle your marriage but then again if he's lost in the bottom of a bottle, that is unlikely.

[SunnyGirl1984]

That makes perfect sense. I guess some people find that kind of freedom enticing. I am a one-person type of personality, so not at all appealing to me, but we are all different. Evidently he likes that freedom if that is what he is doing - I honestly don't know if he is or not, just seems that way from all signs that I can see (and I am surely not going to contact him to ASK!).

 

 

Another point, the W might NOT want him back. That is completely possible. Who knows what will happen. All I know is that he bailed on me so I don't need to know anything about what he is or is not doing.

 

 

 

The other person in ANY relationship is always something of an unknown variable. It's quite possible that his feelings for you were sincere (at the time, to an extent) but not strong enough to outweigh the lure of freedom to sleep around. Feelings are important but they don't simply turn off the other parts of one's brain that may be involved in making decisions.

 

Your EA may have been a form of monkeybranching so that he felt certain he had a soft landing after divorce if he needed one.

 

Also, if he's really going back to his wife, he's clearly conflicted and probably has been for much of the time. She may have "sweetened the deal" for him in ways that are not obvious from the outside (if she actually wants him back).

[SunnyGirl1984]

Yes, I think that's true. Doesn't that go back to self-esteem issues? Need for validation? Also, why picking people half his age? He is 52 years old and these women are MAYBE 30 years old. I think his adult kids are almost 30 years old! He certainly isn't rich or doesn't have the physique of someone in their age group - so what would be his appeal to them???

 

 

 

This suggests he also has a strong desire for validation. You provided that. It may be that he has some narcissistic qualities in that he looks to women for validation but then "shuts off" quickly once he has that and finds new/different women. He's probably getting it from other sources (than you and/or his xwife) now too.

[BaileyB]

Was this other guy wrong for using ME as a crutch? Why couldn't he have done the same thing for me? I really needed that support.

 

Two codependent people struggling to leave bad relationships will simply not make a healthy new relationship. That’s the simple truth here.

 

You signed up to take this on... He did nothing to you that you didn’t offer freely. Why couldn’t he have done the same for you - because he is his own person and he had a different plan. You planned to use him as your crutch and discovered, he wasn’t strong enough or reliable enough. Best you learn this now than later. I’m sorry you have been hurt. But, this was a bad investment from the very start...

 

Good luck with your counselling.

[SunnyGirl1984]

YES, I did plan on leaning on him for support, but also really cared deeply about him and looked forward to seeing if we could have a future together when we were both free to do so. I definitely thought he would help me the same way I helped him - I guess I let my guard down and shouldn't have. And you are right, based on us both struggling with those bad R's, probably wouldn't make for a good start. I know that in my mind, but my heart finds it hard to let go - even still. Like I mentioned in another response, I think getting mad is about the only way I can let it all go. I truly WOULD rather know now rather than later.What would happen if I did begin a real relationship with him investing time, energy, and maybe even serious decisions (i.e., moving in together, who knows what else - not marriage, not doing that again) and found out when more was at stake? I guess I should thank my lucky stars - at least I am starting to feel that way.

 

 

 

Two codependent people struggling to leave bad relationships will simply not make a healthy new relationship. That’s the simple truth here.

 

You signed up to take this on... He did nothing to you that you didn’t offer freely. Why couldn’t he have done the same for you - because he is his own person and he had a different plan. You planned to use him as your crutch and discovered, he wasn’t strong enough or reliable enough. Best you learn this now than later. I’m sorry you have been hurt. But, this was a bad investment from the very start...

 

Good luck with your counselling.

[mark clemson]

Yes, I think that's true. Doesn't that go back to self-esteem issues? Need for validation? Also, why picking people half his age? He is 52 years old and these women are MAYBE 30 years old. I think his adult kids are almost 30 years old! He certainly isn't rich or doesn't have the physique of someone in their age group - so what would be his appeal to them???

 

 

Yes it very likely goes back to self-esteem issues.

 

I think there's actually reasons why the whole young woman older guy thing works. They are attractive physically to his male eye. He has some of the more subtle things that appeal to many women (social skills, perceived status in the community, ability to provide if not actually rich).

 

I think the older man thing especially appeals to women who may be a little bit less attractive or a little overweight relative to their age-peers and so have been passed over as many guys chase the 10% "true hotties". The older guy probably doesn't care as they still look pretty good, esp. compared to 40+ women. And if he's been through a few pregnancies he might not care much if they are a little overweight, unlike younger men.

 

To them, they get the validation of a social win by bagging a "real man" or at least showing that they could. And he gets a (relatively) attractive woman who may be pretty into him. So it's a win-win from a validation perspective. (Although obviously problematic in other ways.)

 

So, think it's appealing for some for a variety of reasons.

[SunnyGirl1984]

That makes sense. He definitely isn't making a huge salary but by all appearances dresses well and drives a vehicle that probably make him look like he does. I bet if he is going out with some of them they will soon find out if that's what they are looking for. Would also be odd for them to meet his kids since they are practically the same age. Should be very interesting if he does pursue some of those relationships. Some of them are very attractive - but again, might not actually be going out with him, just doing a lot of online communicating.

 

 

 

Why do I even care after what he did to me???? I have got to get over this. And no idea HOW.

 

 

 

Yes it very likely goes back to self-esteem issues.

 

I think there's actually reasons why the whole young woman older guy thing works. They are attractive physically to his male eye. He has some of the more subtle things that appeal to many women (social skills, perceived status in the community, ability to provide if not actually rich).

 

I think the older man thing especially appeals to women who may be a little bit less attractive or a little overweight relative to their age-peers and so have been passed over as many guys chase the 10% "true hotties". The older guy probably doesn't care as they still look pretty good, esp. compared to 40+ women. And if he's been through a few pregnancies he might not care much if they are a little overweight, unlike younger men.

 

To them, they get the validation of a social win by bagging a "real man" or at least showing that they could. And he gets a (relatively) attractive woman who may be pretty into him. So it's a win-win from a validation perspective. (Although obviously problematic in other ways.)

 

So, think it's appealing for some for a variety of reasons.

[mark clemson]

Probably the easiest way will be to go NC and wait it out. It won't be easy if you've truly activated your brain's wiring for romantic bonding.

 

IF you can make it almost impossible to contact him that may help.

 

Things that make it easier may include distractions, socializing with friends (increases dopamine), time in nature (increases serotonin), and exercise (increases endogenous opiates). But these things just help make it easier, they don't fix the issue. The real cure, unfortunately, is time for most people as your brain gradually adjusts back to normal.

[Mr. Lucky]

I honestly don't know - what emotionally do I need to make myself happy?

 

I'll bet you know a lot more than you think you do. Like an unused muscle, that skill is shaky and uncoordinated when you start to "flex" it again. When your focus has been on pleasing/supporting others, you forget how to look after yourself. But you'll be amazed at how empowering self-care can be, and it puts you in a position to better enjoy life and the company of others.

 

A good relationship works for BOTH parties...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

YES, I take yoga so will keep doing that. I have not been doing much socializing at all. Or much of anything else except working. I need to find a way to stay busy. So should I block him on social media? Seems so rude to just DELETE him. After all, if he can handle seeing me on there, I should be strong enough to do the same, right? I don't see myself avoiding him on there, but it has been over a month and he hasn't reached out, so i doubt he will after that long - do you think I am 'safe' from him reaching out after that long? I think knowing he won't reach out will make it a 'pride' thing for me and that will force me to not reach out either. I guess time will tell if his new R - either with his wife or other women - will work out. I secretly think he will probably marry the first one he goes out with - even after telling me he didn't want anything serious. Ouch.

 

 

 

Probably the easiest way will be to go NC and wait it out. It won't be easy if you've truly activated your brain's wiring for romantic bonding.

 

IF you can make it almost impossible to contact him that may help.

 

Things that make it easier may include distractions, socializing with friends (increases dopamine), time in nature (increases serotonin), and exercise (increases endogenous opiates). But these things just help make it easier, they don't fix the issue. The real cure, unfortunately, is time for most people as your brain gradually adjusts back to normal.

[SunnyGirl1984]

You are so right. I need to buckle down and do it. And I think the counselor can help with that, too - I am going to buy a big notebook and take in there and be ready to come up with a plan of action. Having a person to hold me accountable will help, too. Despite all he has done, I still care about him greatly. I need to find a way to get to the point of NOT caring - that's seriously what I need. Maybe some of my strategies with looking after myself will help me get to that point of not caring - and get a better me in the process.

 

 

 

I'll bet you know a lot more than you think you do. Like an unused muscle, that skill is shaky and uncoordinated when you start to "flex" it again. When your focus has been on pleasing/supporting others, you forget how to look after yourself. But you'll be amazed at how empowering self-care can be, and it puts you in a position to better enjoy life and the company of others.

 

A good relationship works for BOTH parties...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyGirl1984]

Is there a way to send people private messages on this board? I don't want to get too off track with some other things I thought were pertinent to one of the other posters - but if not, I will try to make it pertinent and just reply here.

[BaileyB]

So should I block him on social media? Seems so rude to just DELETE him. After all, if he can handle seeing me on there, I should be strong enough to do the same, right? I don't see myself avoiding him on there, but it has been over a month and he hasn't reached out, so i doubt he will after that long - do you think I am 'safe' from him reaching out after that long? I guess time will tell if his new R - either with his wife or other women - will work out.

 

I don’t think you owe him anything. He has clearly moved on, so should you.

 

I don’t think it’s a auestion of whether you are “strong enough” to see him on social media. I think the better question is about self care - the kindest and best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to block him, allowing you to focus on yourself and move on with your life.

 

If you are honest with yourself, are you considering keeping the door open with the hope that he would contact you and want to try again?

 

Because, chances are likely that he may... if this other relationship doesn’t work out for him. You could be his fallback. I hope you don’t settle for that.

[SunnyGirl1984]

Bailey, I have thought about the question of "what if he comes back?" Would I even WANT him back after he left me in my time of need? After he left his wife of 25 years? When he clearly went online looking for whatever it was he was looking for? The answer in my brain is "NO"...........the answer in my heart is "I care about him and could be sucked in at the sight of him" - which since he is long-distance, probably won't ever happen. I think maybe I have to just keep telling myself inside that exact scenario of all of those things he did - if I think it enough maybe I won't forget it on the chance he does come back. I seriously don't think he will if it has been an entire month. He is probably on a new high, be it with his former W or whoever he is with now.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t think you owe him anything. He has clearly moved on, so should you.

 

I don’t think it’s a auestion of whether you are “strong enough” to see him on social media. I think the better question is about self care - the kindest and best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to block him, allowing you to focus on yourself and move on with your life.

 

If you are honest with yourself, are you considering keeping the door open with the hope that he would contact you and want to try again?

 

Because, chances are likely that he may... if this other relationship doesn’t work out for him. You could be his fallback. I hope you don’t settle for that.

[SunnyGirl1984]

FindingMyWay, I went back and read your posts. I see a lot of similarities. Does he still cross your mind a lot even after all this time? And you said you used the situation of him getting with that rich OW as your motivation to be done with him in your mind once and for all - is that the strategy that seems to work? Keep re-calling all of the bad things he did to you in your mind? Despite the awful way mine did me at the end, I keep hanging on to all of the good and it is holding me back. I know it isn't good - and like I told Bailey above, WHAT IF he did come back? Would I want him knowing he left me when I needed him more than ever?!? WHY in the world would I want to do that? And while leaving for his W (supposedly), connecting with all of these other women online? If he really is getting back with his W, he definitiely doesn't need to be doing that - and if he lied about getting back with his W just to give me an excuse, then why would I want somebody who lied and is out there scoping out every chick on the internet? I know the answer to my own question - let's hope my brain responds if he ever reaches out and not my heart. Being in my own crappy situation at home doesn't give me much to fall back on. But I do need to address that situation - I know. If I am ever going to find a GOOD relationship, I have to get out of that first. I seriously am feeling like he was just a bandaid. Why else would I put up with this other than its better than what I have at home - which isn't much.

[BaileyB]

A month will mean nothing if his other relationship doesn’t work out.

 

A month is no time at all... A year, maybe. A month, no.

[SunnyGirl1984]

The way he quickly attached to me? He could be "in love" with any of those women after a month............I soooo took it to heart the things he told me that led me to believe there was an opportunity for us to try for a real relationship. I seriously don't see how he could have faked the level of emotion he exhibited. I seriously don't. After what he did and all of those women he follows, I see him falling QUICKLY for somebody - no "evidence" of why I feel that way, just a gut feel. Or if he really is with his W, getting back to a normal but dysfunctional R with her pretty quickly. I don't know why I feel all of that, it's just a feeling I get. It may take him SEVERAL months to see if the R with W will work out. After being separated for so long an then finally D, they can't just pick back up immediately.

 

 

 

A month will mean nothing if his other relationship doesn’t work out.

 

A month is no time at all... A year, maybe. A month, no.

[FMW]

I see him every Sunday afternoon for four hours - he's a musician at a place my friends and I go (It's one of my neighborhood pubs, I live a block away), I'm also friends with a lot of the musicians there. His rich "girlfriend" is also there, doesn't take her eyes off of him, she appears to have him on a very short leash

 

So, yes, he is unfortunately on my mind a lot. But having to see him - with her - keeps those thoughts focused on the bad things, and on how humiliating it was to be ghosted for her. And what a dog he is still trying to get my attention because I completely ignore him and his ego is bruised. Hard to hold on to the romantic memories in that situation It still hurts, but is getting easier all the time.

 

You're absolutely right that you won't be open to a new healthy relationship as long as you're still having "what if" thoughts about him. Unfortunately we all have to figure out where our breaking point is. You saw mine didn't come until I was humiliated, and has prolonged my "recovery" period. Hopefully you will be a lot stronger than I was about it and stop it where it is right now.

 

We'll never know exactly why they do what they do. Don't let him take up your time and energy trying to figure him out, it will never make sense.

 

It takes time - and effort - to re-route your thoughts, and you'll have days where you think you have it beaten and then the next day you'll feel back down in sadness. But keep pushing through it. It really will get better if you determine to make it so.

[BaileyB]

Sure, he could be infatuated with another person after a month. But, that’s not love. Relationships take time to develop. If he is “in love” with another woman after a month, that is yet another HUGE red flag that this guy couldn’t form a healthy relationship if he tried...

 

As to your attachment to him, you were long distance. Did you ever meet this man? How much time did you spend together in read life? Did you have sex? You seriously don’t know how he could have fakes that kind of emotion... I seriously don’t understand how you became so attached to a man who you did know in real life? Relationships develop when spending time together in real life. Talk is cheap. He was lonely, you were lonely... I can well imagine that you built this relationship up in your mind but what did he actually DO in real life to show you that he was committed to you?

[SunnyGirl1984]

I forgot I saw somewhere that you still had to see him. That would absolutely KILL me. I guess I am grateful that he is long-distance. I have experienced before swearing up and down that I was over him and then having to see him periodically at professional meetings (usually once a quarter, but sometimes only every six months), made all of those feelings come rushing back. I absolutely am going to try to NOT go to the next meeting, which probably will be in the next few months. It's usually the first month of each quarter, so next one would be October.

 

 

I wonder if seeing him with his W or another lady would do it for me - rather than make me mad, I think it would put me in meltdown/despair mode. I think what will work for me is just getting MAD. Remembering what he did to me - leaving me to fend for myself when I was literally an figuratively crying out for HELP and was the lowest of low. I was SOOO depressed and down, practically incoherent and unable to do anything. And he sent me away. Unbelievable. I need to remember that. And I need to remember the feeling I got reading his FB wall and some of the women commenting on there which he didn't shut down or discourage. I need to remember ALL of that. YES - THAT is what will get me to MY breaking point.

 

 

I think you are exactly right about up days and down days. I guess it's kind of like grief with someone who has passed away. Lots of ups and downs. One day maybe it will all be a distant memory. i sure hope so. YOu sound like you are doing pretty well, FindingMyWay. Most days would you say you are at least a 8 or 9 if not 10? Wondering if TIME will allow me to get to the place you are.

 

 

 

I see him every Sunday afternoon for four hours - he's a musician at a place my friends and I go (It's one of my neighborhood pubs, I live a block away), I'm also friends with a lot of the musicians there. His rich "girlfriend" is also there, doesn't take her eyes off of him, she appears to have him on a very short leash

 

So, yes, he is unfortunately on my mind a lot. But having to see him - with her - keeps those thoughts focused on the bad things, and on how humiliating it was to be ghosted for her. And what a dog he is still trying to get my attention because I completely ignore him and his ego is bruised. Hard to hold on to the romantic memories in that situation It still hurts, but is getting easier all the time.

 

You're absolutely right that you won't be open to a new healthy relationship as long as you're still having "what if" thoughts about him. Unfortunately we all have to figure out where our breaking point is. You saw mine didn't come until I was humiliated, and has prolonged my "recovery" period. Hopefully you will be a lot stronger than I was about it and stop it where it is right now.

 

We'll never know exactly why they do what they do. Don't let him take up your time and energy trying to figure him out, it will never make sense.

 

It takes time - and effort - to re-route your thoughts, and you'll have days where you think you have it beaten and then the next day you'll feel back down in sadness. But keep pushing through it. It really will get better if you determine to make it so.

[SunnyGirl1984]

Yes, he was long distance but only by a few hours. We would meet half way and we would see each other about once a month, nothing sexual, but it was romantic. When we didn't see each other physically, we Skyped, FB'd and "Saw" each other that way. It was still the strongest bond I have ever felt. Which is why it makes no sense. It isn't like we spent a lot of 'real' time together. Do you think it was all just an illusion for me? Now that you mention it, it does seem kind of 'crazy' that I could have that kind of bond.............hmmmm............now I am seriously wondering if it was all just an illusion of love for me............and YES, he is the type that would fall THAT quickly for someone. Probably just mesmerized by her looks - he is a big flirt. And to answer your question - what did he do in real life? Well - he did get me a bday gift and V-day gift. He took me to lunch several times when we met half way. He talked to me about my job, my kids, my life - and just became my friend. Read documents I put together for one of my volunteer projects. Would one expect more if it were really "love"?

 

 

 

 

 

Sure, he could be infatuated with another person after a month. But, that’s not love. Relationships take time to develop. If he is “in love” with another woman after a month, that is yet another HUGE red flag that this guy couldn’t form a healthy relationship if he tried...

 

As to your attachment to him, you were long distance. Did you ever meet this man? How much time did you spend together in read life? Did you have sex? You seriously don’t know how he could have fakes that kind of emotion... I seriously don’t understand how you became so attached to a man who you did know in real life? Relationships develop when spending time together in real life. Talk is cheap. He was lonely, you were lonely... I can well imagine that you built this relationship up in your mind but what did he actually DO in real life to show you that he was committed to you?

[BaileyB]

Would one expect more if it were really "love"?

 

I don’t mean to minimize your relationship in any way... but after a year of dating, I would expect to be spending more time together (more than once a month) and that the relationship was sexual. Healthy relationships don’t start hot and heavy - usually. But, they also progress... the emotional and physical intimacy increases, you spend more time together, you travel, you begin to plan a life together.

 

The important thing - it’s not just words. It’s actions.