How to accept it's not meant to happen?

[Happy Lemming]

I plan on going away, solo, soon.

 

What does this mean??

 

If you plan on relocating to a different town/city to kind of "reset" your life then I support packing up your stuff and moving to a new area.

 

If you mean you want to leave this Earth (suicide) then "NO". Any problems you think you have are temporary, suicide is permanent.

 

Just because the posters on Loveshack can't come up with an answer for you, doesn't mean an answer does not exist.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What does this mean??

 

If you plan on relocating to a different town/city to kind of "reset" your life then I support packing up your stuff and moving to a new area.

 

If you mean you want to leave this Earth (suicide) then "NO". Any problems you think you have are temporary, suicide is permanent.

 

Just because the posters on Loveshack can't come up with an answer for you, doesn't mean an answer does not exist.

 

I thought he was just responding to my post about traveling.

[LightWave93]

I thought he was just responding to my post about traveling.

 

I was, though I appreciate Lemming's concern sll the same.

[ZA Dater]

I think the real problem here is that people who have had success at dating cannot relate to those who have never had any success so its easy to say do this and do that and think like this and think like that.

 

However, they forget you always walk around with the lack of confidence which comes from a lack of success. When you meet someone who has had a hard life, the first thing most exhibit is a lack of confidence, why because they have had a lack of success.

 

Most of me agrees with the OP, there is relevance in accepting it wont happen, there is a time where you realise the ship is gone. Do I want to be 45 and dating some women with 3 kids and a life full of baggage, no thanks. If I could live my life over I'd have made more of high school, more of my 20's to live and to try things. Everyone who fails feels that failure and has to manage it but its how to live with it.

 

People don't understand, they keep saying hollow meaningless things to try encourage but those comments are devoid of any sort of actionable substance, those comments don't help you at all, they spin a fairy tale.

[LightWave93]

I think the real problem here is that people who have had success at dating cannot relate to those who have never had any success so its easy to say do this and do that and think like this and think like that.

 

However, they forget you always walk around with the lack of confidence which comes from a lack of success. When you meet someone who has had a hard life, the first thing most exhibit is a lack of confidence, why because they have had a lack of success.

 

I think the thing is, a lot of people read my threads and will assume that I haven't even tried, or that I haven't put enough effort in. Four years I've been socialising, broadening my horizons, working on myself, establishing a good lifestyle, improving my well-being etc...and I've still come up short. I know people who are abusive, alcoholics, or have lame jobs...only to have a new woman every other week.

 

Not to criticise them - they may be happy with their lives and clearly they do something right, but the point being is that all the usual "Do X and it will improve your chances" doesn't appear to apply to me. Hell, I'd argue I've gone above-and-beyond what is reasonable to try and get a date or casual sex, only to come up short.

 

I deleted my dating apps a few day ago; spending hundreds on them with no result is not the way I wish to live my life.

 

As for a lack of confidence; I've been told point-blank, many times without prompt, that I come across as a confident and social guy. I did meet one girl for a drink not too long ago for the first time, purely on a platonic basis (she has a partner or something), and she outright said "I can't believe you are not already dating someone". Clearly I'm not a complete wreck in this department, so -what- is causing this lack of success? In a similar fashion, I've had people tell me my (now non-existent) dating profiles were great and there was no reason I shouldn't get any interest.

 

Overall, whilst I don't believe there's some mystical force guiding my life, it sure as hell feels like I'm cursed. Then you read stories of people going to the bar and picking up girls, having a date 3-4 times a week, multiple FWB etc and it begs the question why I even bother. Clearly I'm not a guy that women find desirable, and I need to accept that and move on with my life. Which sucks, because I'll be lonely, and I have a lot of love to give.

[nospam99]

If I could live my life over I'd have

 

Not quit my great job at age 27 to go to work for a company that eventually failed and left me (and ten of thousands of others) unemployed in an economic wasteland that once was a 'company town' ...

 

and not have married my lazy, irresponsible, negligent bitch of an ex-wife

 

But ...

 

There are no replays in life. Even though I consider myself a failure in life, not for what I've achieved but for what I didn't achieve, I wouldn't have the sons I love in my life if I hadn't made two catastrophic mistakes. And here I am old and (romantically) alone. But I'm not quitting because I don't have my life to live over. I have this ONE. And whatever is left of it will be no more than what I make it. It may be less, but that will simply be a circumstance. Just giving a different spin on your quoted remark. Take it or leave it.

[LightWave93]

Late twenties, allegedly attractive and social, plentiful interests and a decent career. For all intents and purposes, life is going well in every department except romantically. Women, for whatever reason, want nothing to do with me.

 

I've tried. Oh how I've tried so hard. Volunteering, working out, events, new hobbies, casual small talk with strangers, "not trying", focusing on self-improvement. I'm still where I was four years ago.

 

I don't get it. I've seen therapists, and dating coaches. What did they say? There's no reason I shouldn't find a woman who's interested in me. I'm not even looking for marriage, a casual hookup at this moment in time would be nice, but I can literally get nothing.

 

How is it possible for one to be so undesirable? Why does it have to be me?

[Foxhall]

Keep trying buddy, maybe not as hard- just relax and try a few words here and there, hold a conversation for a couple of minutes, do not worry about it so much,

bit of a left field one here that might benefit you- go for a massage.

 

some guys meet lots of women, but in reality you only need to meet one woman at the end of the day,

 

it will happen eventually,

[alphamale]

stop being so dramatic

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The dating coach seriously had no ideas? I think I'd find a new one.

[RecentChange]

The dating coach seriously had no ideas? I think I'd find a new one.

 

This.

 

There has to be SOMETHING going on. What fees back did the dating coach give you? What was identified as your problem areas? EVERYONE has them, so what are yours?

 

What is your social circle like? Diverse with lots of friends? Do you have female friends that you get along with well?

 

There are plenty of pretty undesirable men who are able to still land romantic relationships.

 

I find usually the break down is in social skills - knowing how to talk to, identify with, and basically charm people.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you list what "avenues" you have tried and what the results were?

 

(1) On-Line Dating

 

(2) Speed Dating

 

(3) Real Life - Bar/Pub, Book Stores, Coffee Shops, etc.

 

(4) Meeting people in social situations (parties, BBQ's, etc.)

[chillii]

Keep trying buddy, maybe not as hard- just relax and try a few words here and there, hold a conversation for a couple of minutes, do not worry about it so much,

bit of a left field one here that might benefit you- go for a massage.

 

some guys meet lots of women, but in reality you only need to meet one woman at the end of the day,

 

it will happen eventually,

 

 

 

 

Think l've said this same type of thing 50 times but it still holds true.

Some people meet lots of people and end up in 30 half assed so called relationships but still no where, some have no action but one day just meet one and it turns into something good.

[Azathoth]

it will happen eventually

That or you'll die.

[LightWave93]

stop being so dramatic

 

Don't diminish my experience or feelings just because you've perhaps not been in the same position as me.

 

I have not, nor will I ever, experience a woman looking at me from across the bar. Or wanting to take me home. Or staring longingly into my eyes.

 

I just want a basic human experience. Why can't I get it?

 

This.

 

There has to be SOMETHING going on. What fees back did the dating coach give you? What was identified as your problem areas? EVERYONE has them, so what are yours?

 

What is your social circle like? Diverse with lots of friends? Do you have female friends that you get along with well?

 

There are plenty of pretty undesirable men who are able to still land romantic relationships.

 

I find usually the break down is in social skills - knowing how to talk to, identify with, and basically charm people.

 

I've said it before, but I'll say it again; therapists, coaches and friends have always echo'd the same remarks. I come across as social, confident, caring, intelligent and funny. I have "no issues" interacting with people.

 

I have a small circle of friends as I cut toxic people out not-so-recently. I have a fair number of female friends that I get along with well, but they are not romantic interests and many are taken.

 

Can you list what "avenues" you have tried and what the results were?

 

(1) On-Line Dating

 

(2) Speed Dating

 

(3) Real Life - Bar/Pub, Book Stores, Coffee Shops, etc.

 

(4) Meeting people in social situations (parties, BBQ's, etc.)

 

Online dating = 0

Speed dating = 0

Real life = 0

Meeting people IRL = 0

 

I do interact with women. In fact I was at an event all day today and made conversation with five different women, made them laugh plenty of times, mostly initiated the interactions. There was no sign of interest on their end (and I wouldn't ask them out anyway as it was a professional event). Not saying I'm James Bond, but fact of the matter is I'm not socially inept.

[Rayce]

Couple of questions:

 

What is a dating coach? How do you find them? Are they expensive? What do they do typically? You go on a date and then debrief with them afterwards?

 

There was no sign of interest on their end (and I wouldn't ask them out anyway as it was a professional event). Not saying I'm James Bond, but fact of the matter is I'm not socially inept.

 

What type of signs are you expecting from a girl to show she is interested that you?

[clia]

 

Online dating = 0

Speed dating = 0

Real life = 0

Meeting people IRL = 0

 

Come on. I recall that in one of your other recent megathreads on this same topic you went on some dates and even had sex with someone. I can't exactly remember how you met those women, but think it was either online or in real life? Wasn't that just a few months ago? And wasn't the issue that you kept running into that you just wanted to hook up and didn't want any sort of relationship? If I recall, you got some interesting advice in that thread about where you were potentially going wrong. Have you given any of those suggestions any thought?

[RecentChange]

 

I've said it before, but I'll say it again; therapists, coaches and friends have always echo'd the same remarks. I come across as social, confident, caring, intelligent and funny. I have "no issues" interacting with people.

 

That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. EVERYONE has strengths and weaknesses and areas for improvement.

 

Are you saying everyone has declared you perfect? Perhaps a witch put a spell on you that repels women?

 

What are your strengths and weaknesses? I do very well with men, yet I could still provide a long list of things that would hold me back when it comes to romantic relationships. I have my strengths sure, but like all humans weaknesses as well.

 

Are you really searching for reasons and solutions or just bellyaching?

[LightWave93]

Couple of questions:

 

What is a dating coach? How do you find them? Are they expensive? What do they do typically? You go on a date and then debrief with them afterwards?

 

Depends who you hire. This was a guy who simply interacted with me for a day, observed my conversational style and body language, watched how I interacted with women (bar staff, shop staff etc). During debrief I was told there was nothing evident in how I was, that I was a "normal guy", and shouldn't be having issues.

 

What type of signs are you expecting from a girl to show she is interested that you?

 

Sitting next to me, touching, eye contact, initiating conversation (or at least re-initiating after we'd had a bit of a chat prior). I don't even have working relationships where women will just talk to me about day-to-day things; they don't even say good morning to me in the corridor!!

 

Come on. I recall that in one of your other recent megathreads on this same topic you went on some dates and even had sex with someone. I can't exactly remember how you met those women, but think it was either online or in real life? Wasn't that just a few months ago? And wasn't the issue that you kept running into that you just wanted to hook up and didn't want any sort of relationship? If I recall, you got some interesting advice in that thread about where you were potentially going wrong. Have you given any of those suggestions any thought?

 

I went on one date and had sex with someone. Big whoop. She'd just go out of a long-term relationship so was probably emotionally vulnerable; never saw her again after that.

 

I run into the issue that women are not sexually / romantically attracted to me. I don't attract women in bars / clubs, I don't have women flirt with me in day-to-day interactions, I never met anyone in the four years I was at university nor doing the various jobs that I did.

 

I've tried, harder than most, to put myself out there, and still come up short.

 

That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. EVERYONE has strengths and weaknesses and areas for improvement.

 

Are you saying everyone has declared you perfect? Perhaps a witch put a spell on you that repels women?

 

What are your strengths and weaknesses? I do very well with men, yet I could still provide a long list of things that would hold me back when it comes to romantic relationships. I have my strengths sure, but like all humans weaknesses as well.

 

Of course not, there's always room for improvement. I'm always told I need to believe when people say I'm attractive and also believe I'm desirable etc, but in the absence of any evidence to support that notion I opt to be realistic, even if the end result is a "negative mindset". I'm not going to kid myself that I can be a man that attracts women when I'm doing precisely the opposite of that.

 

Other than that, no weaknesses that have been identified, and that's after seeing a good amount of therapists. A change of mindset and more confidence is all that's been suggested.

 

Are you really searching for reasons and solutions or just bellyaching?

 

I'm sick to death of this community being hostile towards me. Cut it out; I'm genuinely looking for advice.

[RecentChange]

Perhaps you are interrupting frustration as hostility.

 

Maybe that is part of the problem? Misreading people? Not catching subtle social ques of interest?

 

Are you saying your only weakness is not believing you are as physically attractive as people tell you that you are?

 

No one has been able to identify any reasons why you are struggling so much with the opposite sex?

 

I don’t know, your frustration is coming through load and clear, that’s for sure. I feel like you are missing some sort of big picture issue - but the feed back you are giving doesn’t give any hints as to how to narrow that down, besides a negative attitude.

 

You are literally telling us you have all the attributes to be successful with women, but yet you aren’t successful with them at all.

 

Obviously a piece of the puzzle is missing.

[LightWave93]

Perhaps you are interrupting frustration as hostility.

 

Maybe that is part of the problem? Misreading people? Not catching subtle social ques of interest?

 

Are you saying your only weakness is not believing you are as physically attractive as people tell you that you are?

 

No one has been able to identify any reasons why you are struggling so much with the opposite sex?

 

I don’t know, your frustration is coming through load and clear, that’s for sure. I feel like you are missing some sort of big picture issue - but the feed back you are giving doesn’t give any hints as to how to narrow that down, besides a negative attitude.

 

You are literally telling us you have all the attributes to be successful with women, but yet you aren’t successful with them at all.

 

Obviously a piece of the puzzle is missing.

 

I genuinely wish I could offer you more information, but it's all I have. This is my life, in a nutshell;

 

- Women ignore me. It could be at a bar, club, party, social event, the work place. If I don't engage first, I don't exist. Even if I do, purely on a friendly-with-no-expectations level, more often than not I'm brushed off right off the bat. I remember a couple of years ago I was at a party and went up to a girl who was on standing on her own and tried to make small talk. She immediately got out her phone and gave me one-word, unenthusiastic responses. I've been in situations at night clubs, standing outside, where a group of girls will approach myself and a male friend "for a lighter", only to talk exclusively to him. I've been to so many occasions where women will openly approach men, even if only for general chitchat, but I could go the entire time without speaking to a single one (and often do) unless I initiate first. I've seen an unattractive, grumpy-looking dude with his arms folded, sat in the corner of a club only to be approached by a gorgeous woman; in all my adult life, nothing even remotely similar has happened to me.

 

- I've been on every major dating app, including ones exclusive for sex and fetish sites, have spent literal hundreds on subscriptions, boosts, "superlikes" etc, and only receive a minuscule amount of "attention" (read: matches). Every interaction, despite genuine efforts to get to know someone, has been met with either no responses or being ghosted.

 

- In complete contrast, every friend, family member, dating coach, and even complete strangers (inc. Loveshack members) have all said I am an attractive guy. It changes on exactly -how- attractive I am, but it's never been less than "slightly above average".

 

- Every single therapist has echo'd remarks of me being a kind, intelligent, mature man with a lot to offer. They've listened to some of my most intimate of stories, and that is still their judgement. That said, yes, they have all said a positive mindset and more confidence /esteem in myself is a worthwhile goal, and for that...

 

- ... I have worked extremely hard at my career. I have had top grades. I have worked in tons of side / volunteer roles. I've done public speaking, gym, dance, self-defence, (extreme) sport, travelling, practice creative talents. I don't have a non-existent life, and yes I do have my periods where I sit at home binging Netflix or playing video games, but I'm not lazy.

 

I'm not a ladies man, nor do I particularly wish to be. It would be just so damn nice if one day someone actually took notice of me from across the way and thought "Oh, he's good looking" and actually throw some signs my way. It would be nice to speak to a woman and know that it is going -somewhere-. I'm not looking for a relationship right this moment because I know I would never been fully-invested as I would always wonder why I was never desirable.

[RecentChange]

Hum, I wonder if some of it has to do with how you expect things to unfold.

 

Despite being a confident, at times fairly toward woman, I don’t think I have ever looked across a room and gave someone eyes, nor have I ever approached a man.

 

Instead men give eyes / approach me, and I am still pretty likely to rebuff their approach. It’s the charming and persistent that crack my shell.

 

And of course good looks, style and body language are important - I am much more likely to gaze back (eventually) to a handsome man, while I will do everything I can to avoid eye contact with someone lookin’ who I do not find attractive.

 

My husband chased like hell before I finally agreed to a date.

 

And I am no “10” so don’t think it’s some sort of “hot girl” mentality.

 

Now I am only speaking for myself, but I wouldn’t be surprised if many woman are similar.

 

Also how is your style? How hip and relaxed are you?

 

How’s your “charm”? Both men and women can be charmed, I heard it once described as the ability to tell and show others how much you like them.

 

And ENERGY as foo foo as that sounds, a warm, positive, happy energy attracts people - makes people want to be around you. If you are good at making people feel good about themselves- then they gravitate towards you. Add some good story telling abilities, some humor and humility, I find those are the things that social butterflies have.

[LightWave93]

Hum, I wonder if some of it has to do with how you expect things to unfold.

 

Perhaps, but ultimately the opportunities that present themselves to other people do not present themselves to me. Why?

 

Also how is your style? How hip and relaxed are you?

 

Depending on circumstances, either formal clothing (which I think I pull off quite well), or a simple T-shirt and jeans. Hair is kept modernly trimmed (to the sides), with my curly hair at the top being more grown out. Beard trimmed. I've been told I have confident body language; I tend not to slouch and often take a relaxed sitting position.

 

How’s your “charm”? Both men and women can be charmed, I heard it once described as the ability to tell and show others how much you like them.

 

Not good ol' James Bond, but not a complete idiot either.

 

And ENERGY as foo foo as that sounds, a warm, positive, happy energy attracts people - makes people want to be around you. If you are good at making people feel good about themselves- then they gravitate towards you. Add some good story telling abilities, some humor and humility, I find those are the things that social butterflies have.

 

I can do upbeat, happy, fun, and also do the more slow-paced, "present" demeanour. I tend to make people laugh.

[RecentChange]

Perhaps, but ultimately the opportunities that present themselves to other people do not present themselves to me.

 

Well, there must be a reason for it, but for some reason you are blind to it.

 

Or you do not realize the opportunities that do present themselves to you.

 

And I agree, people describing themselves are often inaccurate for good and bad.

 

Your descriptions of yourself are kinda.... bland.

 

Let’s say your causal clothes - can people tell by looking at you what you are into? Like oh yeah that guy looks like he mountain bikes and goes to rock shows, or he looks like he is into jazz and smoking cigars.

 

What sets you apart from the crowd? In what ways are you special, or what are some unexpected traits?

 

Why do you think women reject your advances? Why do they approach your friends, but not you?

[Trail Blazer]

OLD can suck. It's tough for a lot of guys out there. Qualities you may have don't translate well to a stack of cards that women go swipey swipey, often just for fun to kill time/boredom.

 

I've been successful on OLD dating, but I've really had to sell superficiality, something that doesn't come naturally to me. But hey, if you want to succeed you've got to know how the game is played.

 

Look, I suggest that you delete all of your OLD apps/accounts. That's the first sign of acceptance. Focus on yourself and, where possible, immerse yourself in activities where you'll get exposure to women IRL. Be natural, have zero expectations and you never know what might happen.

 

Good luck. I feel for most guys on dating apps. They can really screw with your self-esteem and self-worth.