Blanco Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I'm of the mind that if it's financially possible, continuous individual counseling is a great tool, assuming you click with the person. I used to think IC was just for "crazy" people or those going through defined periods of despair. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that it was just something you'd do indefinitely. But now, I totally see the merit of continuous IC, again, assuming you've found one that works for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 I'm of the mind that if it's financially possible, continuous individual counseling is a great tool, assuming you click with the person. I used to think IC was just for "crazy" people or those going through defined periods of despair. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that it was just something you'd do indefinitely. But now, I totally see the merit of continuous IC, again, assuming you've found one that works for you. I've already done a lot of counseling. The last one was pretty adamant I didn't really need any help. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 By letting go of any residual bitterness, or feeling of 'unfairness' or resentment. You can still hope it'll happen, but accept that it may not. In other words, focus on positive (hope) rather than negative (inexorability, bad luck, fate...) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Inflikted Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Honestly, "giving up" gets easier with time. I've never been able to connect with anyone, so I never dated. I spent a lot of my 20s lamenting and feeling bad about my inability to meet and connect with someone. Heck, I still think about it a lot, but after all this time, I no longer feel bad about it. I honestly just feel apathetic towards my inability to have someone in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 By letting go of any residual bitterness, or feeling of 'unfairness' or resentment. You can still hope it'll happen, but accept that it may not. In other words, focus on positive (hope) rather than negative (inexorability, bad luck, fate...) No point hoping for something that will never happen. I worked on it for years, kept coming back to forums like this one pleading for help. Nothing ever changed despite my actions to resolve it. Not being miserable, just a cold, hard reality I need to accept. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I didn't say this before but I can relate to your situation. But no matter how much you may want to, YOU can't give in because of a few bad situations. We don't have to like it, but it's life and things happen, and sometimes the people we may desire that we don't wind up being with maybe a blessing in disguise and be for the best. I know most people don't want to go through life alone, hell, I really don't but we can by being happy with ourselves. At peace. And just because you've been dealt a bad hand today doesn't mean you will tomorrow. And you can PM me if you want. I've had the same things happen. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 At peace. And just because you've been dealt a bad hand today doesn't mean you will tomorrow. And you can PM me if you want. I've had the same things happen. Lot of truth in this. But I would also say that you arrive at a point where you simply don't care, sure you wont give up but the outcome becomes irrelevant and it becomes a game of "what the best looking person I can go on a date with". Invest noting, expect nothing and look at everything through jaded eyes. The problem I think is men allow women to exercise too much power over us. Look around, constantly its men putting women on a pedestal, why? Why do this? Why dress up for a date? What's the point? Is a nice shirt going to make your go home with you, absolutely not. Why go for a fancy dinner, why not just go somewhere normal? No men spend effort and time on women, why, for some of us that effort is pretty much pointless, they will sit at dinner, smile sweetly, say all the right things and block you 10 minutes after leaving. Again why bother. What benefit is there to struggling along. There isn't any. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 No point hoping for something that will never happen. Acceptance isn't borne of fatality, it's borne of wisdom. You won't truly accept this will never happen unless you let go of the bitterness too. You're not quite there just yet, sorry to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 And just because you've been dealt a bad hand today doesn't mean you will tomorrow. I've been told plenty of times that women will become more interested in me when I'm older, and I say "Screw that". I'm not a backup option. It's not happening for me, period. No men spend effort and time on women, why, for some of us that effort is pretty much pointless, they will sit at dinner, smile sweetly, say all the right things and block you 10 minutes after leaving. Again why bother. Judging by the online dating profiles in my area, women are "fed up" of men who instantly want sex, send naughty pictures etc. Yet when someone decent comes along, and I'd like to think I'm one of them, they just don't want to know. At the end of the day, I'm a empathetic, hard-working, adventurous human-being regardless of how women treat me, and it's a positive way to live life; it's just unfortunate that I don't get to experience the same affection and lust as most other people. Acceptance isn't borne of fatality, it's borne of wisdom. You won't truly accept this will never happen unless you let go of the bitterness too. You're not quite there just yet, sorry to say. Hence the purpose of this thread; to devise a strategy in which I reach a point of indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Iris The Butterfly Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 (edited) Acceptance isn't borne of fatality, it's borne of wisdom. You won't truly accept this will never happen unless you let go of the bitterness too. You're not quite there just yet, sorry to say. By letting go of any residual bitterness, or feeling of 'unfairness' or resentment. You can still hope it'll happen, but accept that it may not. In other words, focus on positive (hope) rather than negative (inexorability, bad luck, fate...) I really have to agree with littleblackheart's comments. I think you're looking for advice on how to 'give up' and not a pep talk, so I will do my best to offer my advice. I'm a woman about 10 years older than you and I've felt hopeless despair for some time about the fact that I have never been married and never had kids. I've had the chance for both, but I chose not to. Truth is I've always wanted it, either my choice in men or my fear/selfishness has kept me from both. My heart sank about an hour ago when I found out my 26 year old cousin was planning to invite me to her bachelorette party. I realized... I'm going to be the oldest woman there, and the ONLY single (not married) one at that. I'll be surrounded by women in their mid-late twenties who are all married. I feel so uncomfortable just thinking about it, I'm looking for reasons not to go. I will and already do feel awkward and like an outcast around my peers for that reason. Now it's not my peers my age but people 5-10 years younger. I was fighting back the tears the other day when my bf was talking about the average age for a woman to be married, and in the US that is 27. I'm 8 years above that. I thought to myself the same things you tell yourself, "I need to accept it may never happen for me. I'm too old, etc. What if he thinks there's something wrong with me, etc." Unlike you, romance and dating have come very easy for me and I was always in long term relationships, if not dating frequently. Very small portions of my adulthood in the big picture were spent without a man's attention, or many mens' attention. I have a serious boyfriend now. But I do understand your feeling of hopelessness and wanting to give up. On one hand, you can't give up. You just can't. It would be against all your principles if you did. Because you DO want to connect with someone/date/sex, relationship, whatever it is you want. There's nothing wrong with that, just the same as me wanting to have a husband and family. I'm not going to GIVE UP wanting that. I'm going to always want that. I've learned to have the confidence to accept that I do and am very secure in that. So, what has helped me... is to really think and believe, and ACT like I will achieve it. How? By having more confidence. Less self centeredness. More openness, more vulnerability. All these things allow for more connection. When you start really acting like the person you want to be... what do you know.... you become that person. In your case, when you start acting, projecting, exuding the traits like someone who would be a good partner, a good date, good for the night, etc. you WILL become a magnet and achieve what you are after. When I was pi$$ed off like you are when I was badly mistreated by a long term ex, I was out looking to get attention mainly. I met a couple really nice guys but I was so terrified of getting hurt again I pushed them away. I regret it now. I wasn't in the right mindset. I also was so confused as to why I wasn't making 'connections' with men, as I got asked out often and there was definitely no shortage of opportunities. But my attitude (like yours, as I note in your tone) was very closed off, bitter, angry. I wondered why I wasn't getting any real, in depth connections and was so lonely. I had plenty of opportunity for sex and no strings attached, but that only required a very superficial level of connection, which was the only thing I was capable of. But that got old fast and I went right back to only seeking long term relationships. When I was going through my P.O'd phase and fearful and mistrusting of men, I acted very much opposite of who I am and what I want. It wasn't until I started believing and ACTING like I was respectable girlfriend material did I find... you guessed it... a boyfriend! On the other hand, you have to 'give up' but that means 'accept'. You don't have to give up what you want, because you can't do that. But accept that you may not get it either. I don't know if I'm ever going to have my own child. I pray to God often lately to please let me have that chance again. I want it more than anything!" I can relate to your desperation and hopelessness in that. I can't stop wanting it, but I can also accept that I may not have it. What I can do is be happy though. I think the secret is that you have to come to an acceptance that... you have a choice. Either you can be miserable and self loathing and throw in the towel, woe is me, defeated... or be happy. We only get one shot in life, there are no repeats. I suspect that if you choose happiness instead of wallowing and self pity and hopelessness, you will open yourself up greatly to connecting more easily with others. Chin up. And really... don't give up. Edited June 26, 2019 by littlebridge 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Hence the purpose of this thread; to devise a strategy in which I reach a point of indifference. You're missing the point. It's not a strategy, it's a process. It'll come from introspection, not outside sources. No one can tell you how to do it - you need to figure it out yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 You're missing the point. It's not a strategy, it's a process. It'll come from introspection, not outside sources. No one can tell you how to do it - you need to figure it out yourself. In answer to your first post; believing I can get dates, laid etc DOES NOT work for me. As for the quote; I understand, so I guess what I'm asking for is support from you guys and girls to go through this process and accept that I will not be experiencing romance / intimacy / lust. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Believing and hoping are 2 different things! Regardless, make an honest , humble assessment of yourself / your life choices that does not include self-pity or claiming victimhood or bitterness or self-aggrandising, and take it from there. Btw hope (based on realistic, attainable goals) is the most powerful fuel for positivity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 Believing and hoping are 2 different things! Regardless, make an honest , humble assessment of yourself / your life choices that does not include self-pity or claiming victimhood or bitterness or self-aggrandising, and take it from there. Btw hope (based on realistic, attainable goals) is the most powerful fuel for positivity. I'd like to think I've made good life choices. I've been giving, I have a solid career with lots of prospects and I make a positive difference to people's lives. I'm a high achiever academically, I pursue my hobbies. I'm a good person, all-in-all. My choices lead me here. Link to post Share on other sites
Inflikted Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 I'd like to think I've made good life choices. I've been giving, I have a solid career with lots of prospects and I make a positive difference to people's lives. I'm a high achiever academically, I pursue my hobbies. I'm a good person, all-in-all. My choices lead me here. That's good. Count your blessings you're not like me, someone who made lots of bad decisions throughout my 20s, and now I'm at a point where I have to live with the consequences of those decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 I'm a good person, all-in-all. My choices lead me here. Most of us are good people, OP (I think!). So your quick assessment of yourself is either not entirely honest (most of us have made some errors of judgement) or not humble (a problem in itself). You're missing a key something that lead you here - it can't all be down to bad luck or other people not recognising the awesome person that you are. Unless you don't play an active part in your own life? Maybe you need to dig much deeper than the shallow surface you have scratched in the few lines above; these things take a lot of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 Most of us are good people, OP (I think!). So your quick assessment of yourself is either not entirely honest (most of us have made some errors of judgement) or not humble (a problem in itself). You're missing a key something that lead you here - it can't all be down to bad luck or other people not recognising the awesome person that you are. Unless you don't play an active part in your own life? Maybe you need to dig much deeper than the shallow surface you have scratched in the few lines above; these things take a lot of time. I'm sure the huge number of counselors, therapists and a psychiatrist would have been.able to identify something by now if there was something -significantly- wrong with me. I'm not sure what answer you're expecting. I've just a normal human being who does things he enjoys and enjoys getting to know others. There's no glaring fault in how I interact with people or how I present myself; I've been reassured time and time and time again of such. Regardless, this isn't a dating thread. I just need advice and support on how to develop this mindset of acceptance that I am not worthy of and indeed will not experience love, affection, lust etc. It's for everyone else to go out and meet someone at a nightclub for a night of passion, get dates and find marriage. Not me. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Huge number?? Perhaps next time you go you can show them your LS threads - they'll be able to see your 'woe is me' attitude dripping from this post alone. Like I said, unless you drop the 'everyone else but me' mindset, you will not be able to accept anything. Good luck, OP. I'm out. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 With the pain it can be, I've found solace in my work. I get out there, do what I'm supposed to do, come home, and I relax. It's that simple. I'm content. I'm laid back and I don't worry about too much of anything. Works fine for me. If you want to be single, fine. But find something to do that makes you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 A common theme I've noticed in your threads, whether it was about improving your dating life to now accepting that you will not have one, is your rigidness. You shoot down pretty much all input that doesn't fit within the parameters of how you view yourself and the world around you. Something to consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) Huge number?? Perhaps next time you go you can show them your LS threads - they'll be able to see your 'woe is me' attitude dripping from this post alone. Like I said, unless you drop the 'everyone else but me' mindset, you will not be able to accept anything. Good luck, OP. I'm out. I have done. You're trying to divert me to a false mindset of that it "can" happen, when I'm trying to accept the reality that it won't. I'm not living a life of false hope any longer. A common theme I've noticed in your threads, whether it was about improving your dating life to now accepting that you will not have one, is your rigidness. You shoot down pretty much all input that doesn't fit within the parameters of how you view yourself and the world around you. Something to consider. I don't shoot down suggestions. I let you know that I've tried them and they haven't worked. Huge difference. Edited June 27, 2019 by LightWave93 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 Without knowing your age and your general location, etc. this advice may not be relevant or mean much to help you. Live in a big city? Or what? We need more specifics. So many posters will not do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 Without knowing your age and your general location, etc. this advice may not be relevant or mean much to help you. Live in a big city? Or what? We need more specifics. So many posters will not do this. No specifics are needed. Advice on how to accept the reality of being undesirable shouldn't be dependant on aspects such as city size. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 If I were in your shoes with no hope of ever being married and/or having a family, with (presumably) a lot of disposable income (and vacation time?), I'd make a bucket list that involved a lot of travel and start doing it. I'd focus my life on having cool experiences and meeting interesting people unlike me. If sex is a must in your life, I guess pay for it in a legal way/legal place. I'd also become a Secret Santa and go into Walmarts and pay off layaways at Christmas . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LightWave93 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Share Posted July 1, 2019 I plan on going away, solo, soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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