Trying to push myself into NC

[Limiya]

That is a great example. Such positive self esteem.

Although my ex didn't do anything wrong, it still hurts knowing he was pursuing someone else and basically ended it once they got together.

I have to allow him to be with her and pursue her. To start this new life he is setting for himself.

I want him to be happy, and I wish I could have handled things better, but the shock and heartache took me by surprise.

 

Hopefully now I can start focusing on my own healing.

I don't still want to be stuck here in 6 months time.

[SpiceCat]

Wait..he has a girlfriend but he kissed you?

[Limiya]

@SpiceCat

 

Yes.

I asked him why he did that.

He said that I was there and he couldn't help it.

Basically.

 

*shrug*

 

He made sure not to this time.

[nolanola]

OP, when you feel jealous of his new girlfriend, remember that he was kissing you and texting you happy birthday messages while dating her. That's who she's dating. So she might be beautiful and that's fine, but she has a boyfriend who is being super sketchy. I think somewhere down the line you will see that he isn't the great guy you're making him out to be. I know right now he seems that way, but if he was he wouldn't jerk you (or her) around like this.

 

Be patient with yourself. Go look yourself in the mirror and promise yourself you will not reach out to him. I have the sinking suspicion that he will get in contact again - maybe once the "new" with his girlfriend wears off. I hope by then you will be moving on. Let him wonder why you disappeared and what happened to you. Let that be your motivation to stay away. If you feel the urge to talk to him, PM me or post on here and someone will talk you out of it.

 

Hugs - you are doing fine!! Breakups take a long time and often invovle a lot of false starts.

[Beachead]

Thanks beachead.

I spoke to him yesterday. We talked for 2 hour about everything.

I apologised for my recent behaviour.

I asked us to give it 1 more shot. He declined ultimately.

I asked him to please block and delete my number.

He kept refusing. He just won't do that. He said i just have to be strong and not text him.

 

My friend called me later on the evening and told me she saw him with his new gf at a festival.

That she looked in her 20s. I was crushed cause im in my 30s.

He is 50 next year so i just broke down. Of course he won't come back if he has a pretty girl like that.

 

1st day of NC today and im a shaking mess.

Can't concentrate. Feels like horrible withdrawal.

 

@Limiya

 

He made his choice. Give him what he wants. He does not get to keep you around as he pleases. You two will not be friends nor will you be together, so there is no point in sticking around, suffering. Do what you have to do; block and delete him. It sucks, you'll cry. You'll feel weak. That won't go away for some time. Just let it be, but continue to live your life. Do not bury your pain jumping into dating too fast though. Just spend time doing things you love doing that lift your spirit. Try something you always wanted to try but never got around to. Sign up for a class. Go for a trip. Take some time for yourself. Spend time with the people who genuinely love you etc. With some time, that anxiety will subside and you'll start clear your head and realize that this guy wasn't what you wanted. You were just comfortable in a pattern. It's going to happen. He was not that great of a catch anyway.

 

Like the others stated, he kissed you while with this other girl because "He couldn't help it.." ..and yet, he doesn't want anything either. That's who she's dating. A man who keeps secrets and cannot control his impulses. That's kind of lame considering he's nearly 50 and he acts like a guy who's 20.

 

Yes, she younger, but that's not entirely a good thing, especially when you consider the age gap between both of them. Many people in their 20's aren't entirely sure of themselves yet. I know I wasn't. I know the partners I had weren't either and I know several others as well. They're still testing the waters with partners. They're still finishing up school and getting their careers in order which may or may no work out. It may also require them to move away resulting in long distance relationships. They still want to travel and meet new people and even if they don't right now..they may in 6 months, because it is a time of change and growth and discovering oneself and because of that, the risk of instability looms.

 

You're a little older but so what? It's more likely you've been through more so you know yourself better. It's more likely you've failed and been through trauma so you've learned humility which is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have and your relationship goals and expectations as a result may be more realistic. And in all honesty, I've spoken to many women in their 20's and 30's and 40's over the years and I feel so much more relaxed with the ones in their 30's and 40's. I feel like I'm less judged, like I'm speaking to a human being. So those added years you feel insecure about, actually work for you..you just have to understand what you bring to the table.

 

Looks will attract, but it isn't everything. It alone, will not be enough to secure a relationship for the long-term. Character and loving qualities do.

 

- Beach

Edited July 9, 2019 by Beachead

[Maddie82]

Take the piece of paper you wrote his number on and burn it. You don't need it. Writing it down and keeping it means you are still acting crazy and not letting yourself let go. You are still giving yourself the option to contact him (whether you plan to or not). Don't keep that number. He has a girlfriend now and i don't think she will appreciate you contacting her boyfriend and turning up on his doorstep like a crazy person.

[Limiya]

Thanks both for your advice.

I really appreciate it.

 

 

I will get rid of the paper at some point.... i'm just building up that courage.

I think I've built him up in my mind as some kind of god and perfect etc etc.

I think I've become so afraid of this pain as it's hit me with such force and persistence, that i'm scared of doing anything in case it makes me feel even worse and I can't cope.

So i'm trying a step by step approach.

 

 

I have arranged to see people tomorrow, and Thursday after work so i'll have something to get me through.

I haven't sorted out my weekend yet and I need to, as that is when I would normally see him the most.

 

 

I managed to teach my dance classes no problem yesterday without a hitch. But it is when i'm on my way home that I would always call him for a chat. I really, really wanted to call him. I eventually called my friend and told him to talk to me to distract me for a while.

That helped.

 

 

It really is difficult when my routine is centered around seeing him and speaking to him. Even harder when I miss the person, and I know his routine and generally where he is and what he's doing. So it makes it hard.

 

 

It's only a couple of days of NC so It's going to be hard but hopefully it will get easier.

It really does feel like easing myself off a hard drug.

 

 

Being here really helps me and reading all your responses.

Your encouragement.

I feel more clear headed in my focus being on myself and letting go.

Even though it hurts so much.

 

 

Yes he kissed me when I went to his house. He wasn't expecting me to turn up, and he invited me in. I was surprised he kissed me so much.

He told me he wasn't expecting to see me and he couldn't help himself because I was just there in front of him. Nostalgia I guess.

I should use that to help me get through this. As you guys pointed out. He's with someone else, (even though he insists she's not his girlfriend yet) and yet he still kissed me, and yes he sent me a message saying 'kisses' in response to mine, and a birthday message with kisses on it.

So I am gong to try and see this as a way to paint a more negative light on him to help me get through it. Rightly or wrongly.

[Maddie82]

Yes he kissed me when I went to his house. He wasn't expecting me to turn up, and he invited me in. I was surprised he kissed me so much.

He told me he wasn't expecting to see me and he couldn't help himself because I was just there in front of him. Nostalgia I guess.

I should use that to help me get through this. As you guys pointed out. He's with someone else, (even though he insists she's not his girlfriend yet) and yet he still kissed me, and yes he sent me a message saying 'kisses' in response to mine, and a birthday message with kisses on it.

So I am gong to try and see this as a way to paint a more negative light on him to help me get through it. Rightly or wrongly.

 

You're still holding out hope. Your last paragraph screams it. You need to get rid of that number, like right now. It's hard but it'll get easier over time. Stop over analyzing things because in his eyes it doesn't mean anything. If he knows how much you are truly hurting from all this then he is an ass for kissing you and taking advantage of you like that. Then again, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't just turned up on his doorstep like you did. You are making things very difficult for everyone involved. Especially yourself.

Edited July 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Limiya]

@Maddie82

 

 

Yeah, I've made everything so much harder on myself.

I'm aware of that. Yeah he knew how bad I was taking it and still kissed me. Not a good move. I shouldn't have gone there, but I did anyway.

 

 

When I get home from work, I will throw away the number. No point holding onto it I guess. What good will it do?

He's gone.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

Big post coming your way.

 

I've had to let go of a lot of people in my life. 3 exes included.

 

I'll tell you this much. In the beginning, they all felt like someone I couldn't live without, until I realized I was able to. But that confidence doesn't come immediately. You won't believe it yourself nor will you be able to just magically convince yourself you'll be fine, immediately. It will take time.

 

And it's okay to cry and miss them. Don't ever try to pretend like those feelings aren't there. Embrace that pain and let it be. That is how you will process it and move forward. But just make sure, you keep living.

 

I'll tell you a couple of my stories..

 

An ex ended with me back in my early 20's. But she wanted to stay "friends" because it was too hard to completely cut me out. I knew what was best for me and I knew it was leaving for awhile and going NC (Though back then, NC wasn't a thing that was advised..it was just something you eventually resorted to because holding on became too painful). Anyway, when I told her I needed space, she cried. I succumbed to her tears and stayed. It was a mistake. We did not become "Friends." Instead we'd slip up and mess around. I'd mistake it for her wanting to be with me again, only for her to say no. It'd break my heart all over again and ruin my mood for days, sometimes weeks. Little by little..those situations broke me down until I was depressed. I had no confidence in myself and I couldn't really fall for anyone else because she was in my head. The only thing that made me feel better was her, when we'd slip up, cuddle, kiss or sleep with eachother..but that was just a temporary fix to deal with a reality I wasn't ready to face. She wasn't for me and that was the truth. It took a full 4 years after that breakup for me to put her in a place I should have put her a long time ago.

 

I couldn't let go of my next partner either. She went off to med school overseas and broke up with me a few months later due to the hectic schedule and the long distance. She did it on Whatsapp via message the night before she was supposed to come back. It was such a disrespectful way to end it with me given the effort I had put in. Anyway, she didn't let me go entirely either. She'd drop a message into my life every few months and shake me up again, and awaken my hope, just as I was beginning to move forward. It took me 2 years and a lot of drama with her to break free of that. And just like before, I was unable to consider anyone else within that time because my mind was occupied with her.

 

When I met my last ex, things started to go wrong in that relationship as well being she wasn't over her ex (Whom she ended up marrying). She left him for me, but started going through withdrawal symptoms while with me, and began to sabotage our relationship. Eventually it got to a point where no matter what I did, she was always unhappy. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It was terrible for me. I learned from my past and I put an end to it. It was like tearing off my own arm but I'm glad I did it because looking back 2 years later, there was no way that situation would have worked out.

 

I picked up a tremendous amount of wisdom but at the expense of a lot of years out of my life, and a lot of damage as well. Damage to my mental health and parts of my life like my education and my career. Sometimes I cringe at the fact that I stuck around too long and sometimes I think about the women I turned down because of the commitment I gave to those 3. You are also important and you deserve a fulfilling life, and the time it takes to recover does add up in life, so be good to yourself by being strong for yourself. Make good decisions. Be with the people who care about you. Love them back. Do the things you love and engage in skill developing classes and activities and get good at a few things. Travel the world and meet lots of people. Just learn and get to know yourself in general. When you put your attention onto that, it'll change you for the better and it'll dilute the impact this man had on you. And one of these days, you will attract someone who's more for you because of it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 9, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Great post @Beachead!!! And so very true. You are healing and that takes time. You aren't going to go from heartbroken to amazing in a day. Be kind and patient with yourself. Also be accountable to yourself - you have to own your behavior but don't beat yourself up too much. You can't change that you went to his house or called him or whatever. Just let it be a cautionary tale for the future.

 

I remember when I was breaking up with a previous ex and I was practically inconsolable. I asked my Dad if he thought we would be able to be friends and he said no. That practically broke me in two because I couldn't imagine letting my ex go and accepting that he wouldn't be in my life. The anxiety was intense - I remember I was shopping at the time and I felt like I had to get out of the crowds because it was overwhelming. That ex was abusive and the relationship was toxic, but I was so afraid of losing him. I don't know why. He didn't bring a huge amount of joy to my life - actually at that time all he was bringing was stress and pain. Once I was able to see that, and to see how my clinging to him was causing those feelings, it was much easier to let go. After some time, I was even able to be grateful that he wasn't there anymore.

 

I'm telling you this story because I was so lost then and I went through periods where I thought I would never be ok. But today I am. I went through another breakup about 8 months ago and just like Beachead talks about, I clung on to him too, but I was able to let go a tiny bit easier with the other guy. The first few months were really, really hard. I slipped a few times and looked at Facebook. But now I am so much better and so much happier than I was even a few months ago.

 

You can write here every day if you like. I have a voice memo thing on my phone and on days when I felt ok (in the first few months) I would leave messages for myself to listen to when I felt low. I listened to the same breakup video on youtube every day for about a month. I could probably recite it right now, Lol. I took screen shots of good advice here and read it when I would feel low. It really helped.

 

And also, I don't think you are crazy. You're hurting and sad.

[Limiya]

OMG, both of your stories just really filled my heart with joy.

Thank you for sharing those with me.

I feel a bit better today, I've only cried a few tears, and managed to eat a tiny bit.

I have been thinking of him all day still, but I expect I will for some time.

One of my friends came to see me last night and gave me other perspectives to the conversation I had with my ex the other night, and it helped me try and view things out of my own head.

 

 

I feel like i'm starting to accept it's over. I don't have the urge to contact him anymore, I just want to let him go and be happy, even though it is so painful.

I am counting today as a good day... I've marked day 2 of NC off my calendar and i'm patting myself on the back.

 

 

At the end of the day, all I can say to myself is I did make it clear to him my feelings, he knows how I feel, and he no longer feels the same way.

At least I tried, and at least he knows. That's all I could do.

The beating myself up, driving to his house, etc, is in the past.

I don't want to go there anymore.

I don't want to continue punishing myself. Hating myself for not having fixed this before, having done things differently.

The reality is what it is and it's done.

 

 

I am watching youtube videos, they help calm me down somewhat and give me a vision that i'll get through the other side in time.

 

 

I have friends coming to check up on me, my dance classes to occupy me, and work colleagues going out of their way to encourage me.

I may start some new hobbies coming up and new tasks I want to do.

This is for me not for him or anyone else. I need to start my healing process step by step.

[Limiya]

I went to visit my friend yesterday at the stables to see her new horse.

It was so calming and therapeutic.

We went for a drink afterwards and we talked about the situation.

She told me I can go to the farm anytime I like, just to groom the horses, or even watch them and be in their presence.

I think I will certainly do that, as they bring me peace when i'm with them.

 

 

My brother is coming to see me tonight, so it will be lovely going through things with him.

This situation seems to be bringing us closer together which is a good thing.

 

 

I managed to arrange to see an old friend on Saturday as we haven't seen each other for a while.

He is someone I value a lot and his opinions. He will give me tough love but also be comforting.

 

 

I woke up in pain this morning and watched more self help youtube videos before getting up. It calms down some of that anxiety that's been consuming me constantly for the past week or so.

I feel like my head is slowly starting to clear up a bit. Bit by bit.

There's no way I want to go backwards on this... not after the past few days of hard work and suffering I've put in.

 

 

Thank you all for being here and giving me such helpful advice and being real. I know I can get inside my own head at times and I do appreciate you all telling me how it is and at the same time comforting me with your words.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

There's no way I want to go backwards on this... not after the past few days of hard work and suffering I've put in.

 

I like this train of thought.

 

And you're doing well .

 

In the beginning, I used LS, 2 close friends and my journalling to help get my thoughts out. A lot of my writing was focused primarily on just releasing my pain. It was free and unfiltered, unformatted. My ex was on my mind all day, all night, but doing these things really helped. Eventually, I started to get to a point where I basically said everything I wanted to say about her. There was nothing left to talk about regarding her, with my friends and there wasn't much to write about either. It became the same old thing. Once that happened, a question of "So what do I do now because I can't keep rehashing this for the rest of my life.." started brewing in my mind.

 

From there I moved to the next step.

[Limiya]

This weekend is a tough one.

I've kept a busy day today. My family came to visit and we went shopping.

After they left, I went to visit an old friend.

It was nice to see him and talk about it.

He listened to me and told me that I have to accept there is no chance of him coming back.

It hurts, and I know it's true.

I just miss his presence and would love to talk to him.

I won't contact him though.

 

I'm still feeling that anxiety, and I know it's going to be painful and it's going to take time, but I have hope I will get through it.

I just wish my heart would line up with my mind and give me some relief.

[Limiya]

I made it through the weekend. I can't believe it. The first weekend since we last saw each other.

A whole week has gone by. This is the longest time in 3 years we've not spoken to each other. Even if it was just a couple of texts.

 

 

Yesterday I cried a few times, but it passed off. I did a little bit of art and crafts at home to try to relax my mind and body as I can still feel a lot of the anxiety.

I'm still here, it's Monday and i'm trying to concentrate more on work this week. I can't slack off this time, and tomorrow i'm back in the office in full force.

 

 

I'm still thinking of him all the time, and he's still the first and last thing I think about, but I've made it a week and i'm proud of that.

I know he's on holiday now, and I know he's probably with her too.

I have to imagine the worst, instead of hoping for the best.

 

 

My friend's have been good, and comforting but pretty straight with me.

He's not coming back. He's moved on. He will never EVER contact you again.

These are their words I keep repeating in my mind. I have to drum this in there, and force myself as much as possible to not hold onto hope.

He's gone, and he could have changed his mind if he wanted to but he didn't. It's over... I need to concentrate on healing myself.

 

 

I know i'm not adding anything new to this thread, but I am using this to help vent too.

 

 

I will go and teach my dance classes tonight after work so I have some positive things to do tonight. I usually feel pretty good there.

I also have been given the option to work overtime this week so maybe it will help give me more to do too.

 

 

I'm trying my best to keep positive. It feels like the fight of my life though.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

Good. Let it out. It's okay if it gets redundant. You're not trying to appease others here. You're trying to release, and that is process requiring time.

 

Careful with the overtime. Keeping busy is good but be careful not to overdo it. You'll quickly turn it into a means to bury your pain, rather than something to help get you out of bed and stimulate you. Taking some idle and alone time to sit back and feel your pain is still very important regarding processing your pain.

 

What your describing reminds me of what I was going through 2 years ago and the process I used. I had to remind myself of the same things. Make sure you continue to read what you're writing on here regarding him and how it won't work, many times a day. Maybe even write it out on a piece of a paper or type it out and print it. Keep it in your purse. I say that because, I also remember feeling weak multiple times at work. I'd feel weak on the way home. I'd feel weak at home. It was around the clock weakness. What I ended up doing was I wrote out a journal about why it was over and I saved it on my phone. I'd read it often and it helped set my mind right everytime.

 

 

- Beach

[Limiya]

@beachead

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

I am very up n down.... sometimes just numb.

 

 

Yesterday during the day I was going through a denial stage.

Like, my mind was playing tricks on me, telling me he'll come back eventually, he'll message me in a few weeks, of course he must still love me, we had a connection, blah blah blah.

While my mind was like this, the anxiety passed off for a bit, until I started to accept again that that's all bullsh*t and he is no way coming back, and he's with someone else now.

 

 

I can only do my best, but I don't want to text him. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of contacting him ever again.

I remember saying to my friend 'What do I do if he ever contacts me? What do I say?'

 

 

He said 'He's not going to. He won't. Don't torture yourself'.

 

 

That was painful, but true.

I'm finally back in the office today, and as you can see, it's still all i'm thinking about.

Work will distract me a bit, but only so much.

I guess it's better than nothing.

 

 

Anyway, that's just an update for today. *deep breaths*

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

I am very up n down.... sometimes just numb.

Yesterday during the day I was going through a denial stage. Like, my mind was playing tricks on me, telling me he'll come back eventually, he'll message me in a few weeks, of course he must still love me, we had a connection, blah blah blah.

 

Very normal after the initial shock wears off. This isn't easy for you. Your denial is a coping mechanism to help you process your pain. Right now you don't have the perspective/clarity (Something you gain with time) or emotional capacity to face the reality yet but you need to deal with it somehow, so your mind does the next best thing and feeds you a little bs. You fall towards it because it makes it easier rather than thinking about the harsh reality. While this goes on, time will pass, you'll continue to live and your strength will slowly return. With that strength, you'll begin to take on your reality piece by piece. Give it time.

 

While my mind was like this, the anxiety passed off for a bit, until I started to accept again that that's all bullsh*t and he is no way coming back, and he's with someone else now.

 

Makes sense. The anxiety eases up when you embrace the lies you tell yourself. That's why your mind sends you there. To protect you from pain. Continue to check yourself and remind yourself of reality for now. Do that through your writing and reread those passages to help keep you grounded. It's good you notice that.

 

Breaking out of denial and cutting the hope out is the hardest part of moving on. It won't happen over night. You'll need months of silence from this guy, to understand he doesn't care. The more time passes on, the more this becomes true and the harder it becomes to lie to yourself which will break the hope and the denial and allow you to move forward.

 

My denial was strong the first 8 months after my breakup two years back. Like you, I had to tell myself everyday it was over and she wasn't coming back but my heart wasn't ready to accept it then so I would always slingshot back to my hope. But I still continued on with my life. Worked. Began school. Went to the gym. In the nights I'd think about her. One day, I caught word from a friend that my ex was engaged and getting married. Broke my denial instantly, I felt so much pain. Wanted to contact her. I didn't. I dealt with it and as the weeks passed, I started to feel a release that I hadn't felt before. But, as I said, hope is a hard thing to kill and as good as I felt, in the back of my mind, there was this thought of "Maybe they'd get a divorce." I never dwelled on it though like I had dwelled the first few months. At this point, I was able to focus on my career, live life, have good times, laugh. Find new women attractive.

 

Fast forward to maybe April of this year..she's more like a passing thought now. At worst, I feel a little pinch and then it's gone. Even the places we spent time at that once used to break my heart, barely trigger any pain. I just can't seem to care anymore. Her marital status included. She has no hold over me anymore. I'm more concerned about my life and where I want to be more than anything.

 

That's how it happens. A slow gradual process. You may heal faster than me or slower depending on your situation and you. If you get a message from him, be real careful and protect your heart. Run it by us, and you'll get a handle on how to deal with it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 16, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

Thanks beachead.

It's good to know i'm not a complete freak. LOL.

It's awful when my mind goes there, to the false hope.

It keeps saying that he'll give me some space to calm down, then one day he'll check to see how I am. He won't be so heartless to not worry about me would he? Of course not. He'll want to make sure i'm ok... blah blah.

 

 

Then i start analysing why he was insisting on not deleting my number, not blocking me when I asked him to. Was this some sort of ****ty backup plan thing? I begged him to delete my contacts, he refused.

 

 

Then I remind myself it doesn't matter why. He probably just didn't want to seem like an *******.

Facts are facts. And the reality is he left, he made himself clear, he's with someone else.

THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO!!!! ACCEPT IT!!

 

 

I've been through this before, years ago. Also left for someone else. Yet for some reason i was able to accept it much quicker (still took me a year to get over it), so i'm not sure if the pain of this breakup might be residual feelings from the previous.... it's something I've thought of.

 

 

Never thought i would be here again.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

Something I learned is there is always forward momentum in something that was meant to happen. You wouldn't feel a wall or some kind of block on their part. You wouldn't feel the breaks being pumped. You wouldn't be pulling your hair out wondering what's going on in their mind. It would just happen and it would happen rather smoothly. Two people who want it, will do it. They both see a future together and they want to realize it together because they'd feel like they'd regret it. Why would they hand that over to someone or something else?

 

You put the breaks on it. So did he. Somehow the timing was all off and now he's somewhere else with someone else. Even after that last interaction, he still didn't budge. I mean if there was ever a time to make it happen, it was then. The indecision isn't just on you. He's just as responsible for not making a move as you are. All you and him had to do was just say yes and give it a try. It never happened.

 

There's a good reason for things happening the way they do. Just have to trust it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 16, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

Thanks @beachead,

You're absolutely right. That was the perfect opportunity for us to go for it, and he declined. He obviously sees more potential with this new person, and would rather risk it.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be right?

 

 

There is no point in me trying to figure out what he's thinking or feeling etc. He is his own person, and I don't own him. He can do whatever he wants.

I just hope soon I will stop wanting him back and not care instead.

 

 

Busy day today, so hopefully I will have some distraction.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

Exactly. For now, just concentrate on moving forward so that you can heal.

 

Just remember healing isn't something you'll be able to will into existence. Can't force it. You'll have to let yourself feel your pain as you are right now AND simply continue living life. Leave the rest up to time.

 

- Beach

Edited July 17, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

I have my first appointment with a councillor in my area tonight.

I'm looking forward to it.

I am still maintaining No Contact, and to say it's been difficult is an understatement. I'm in my 4th week.

I've heard nothing from him, and I doubt I will. Even though my mind still keeps playing tricks on me and giving myself false hope.

 

 

The biggest test was the weekend.

I had a medical emergency and I was admitted to hospital. I had to stay there overnight and have an emergency procedure done the next morning.

There were no beds available so I had to sleep in the corridor, with no pillow.

I had nothing to read and no phone charger.

I lay there all night, thinking of him. Knowing if we were still together, he would have come and sat with me. Settled me down and comforted me.

But I didn't reach out. I knew he was away, and if I received no response or a negative one, I would have hurt 10x more.

 

 

I dealt with it all alone, came home the next day.

Then for some reason, yesterday and today I have been really suffering with the anxiety, tears and heartbreak all over again.

I feel like I've gone backwards. It took everything in me to not find his number online and text him.

I managed, but I just can't wait for this awful period of time to pass.

[Maddie82]

@Limiya...

 

 

It will get easier in time. I hope the Councillor can help you through this. Best of luck

Edited August 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator