Trying to push myself into NC

[OatsAndHall]

I'm sorry you're struggling; I know how difficult these situations are. But, you made a huge step in the right direction by going full NC. Just make sure you adhere to this; it's easy to start feeling better and figure "I'll just take a peak at his Facebook page" and then the whole process starts right over.

 

 

 

Two things that helped me get through my divorce; expanding my social circle/life and finding a new hobby to pour myself into. Getting out and interacting with more friends was immensely helpful for me. It kept me from sitting around the house and letting my mind race. I also started buying and putting together model kits after my divorce and that filled the rest of the down time I had. I'd put on some music and spend hours gluing together all kinds of model airplanes, tanks, (etc..) and doing my best to pain them.

[Limiya]

@OatsAndHall....

 

Thank you for the tips.

I have a few hobbies I will throw myself into if I can.

Anything to try and take my mind off it.

My friends live quite a way from me and so I cant see them as often as I'd like.

My mind wont let me rest at all.

Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nolanola]

Limiya, girl, I have been you more than once. I once sent an ex a card with the hopes that he would realize that he really wanted to be with me instead of the new woman he was dating. He ignored it yet I still pined for him for another 2 years. So I completely understand that feeling of embarrassment and humiliation, along with the realization of the relationship being over. So many times that relationship made me want to curl up and die (great signs that it was going somewhere, right?!).

 

BUT - I got through it and today I hardly think of him. I would literally run the other way if I saw him coming down the street. So you will get through this, you WILL. It is going to take a while and it does hurt - unfortunately there is no getting around that. Everyone has their things that help them. Definitely NC helps and I am of the opinion that you do whatever you need to do to stay NC. At least in the first month or so, after that it gets a lot easier. You have to break your addiction. For me, it helped me to focus on staying silent so that I didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing I was pining after him and sad. As long as I didn't reach out or respond, he would have no idea what I was feeling or doing. That gave me a feeling of getting a tiny bit of power back.

 

With my most recent breakup, I had some videos that I watched every day to keep me motivated. There is a really good one called something like "how to get over a breakup" that you can find on Youtube. Coming on here helped a lot. Just seeing that other people had felt the same way and had the same thoughts made me feel so much better. Sometimes reading other people's threads helps to see things in their stories that you might not see in yours yet. I took screenshots of things that were soothing or helpful and read those when I would feel sad.

 

I cried a lot in the first few months. After about 2 months, I started to have days that were better. Not great, but better. I also started going to counseling. That was super helpful. I also started some new things (a book club, volunteering with a new organization) and that helped to fill the time and distract me. I'm almost 8 months NC now and am so much better. I still get sad sometimes but it doesn't last very long.

 

Post as often as you need to - especially if you are thinking of contacting him!! And I totally understand that feeling of imagining them with someone else. It sucks. I've had the same thoughts and feelings with my ex. But there is nothing you can do about it, you just have to accept those feelings and know that they will get better.

[SpiceCat]

Don't beat yourself up Limiya. Almost everyone I know has done that text bomb thing after a painful breakup. Love yourself right now..it does get better!

[Limiya]

Oh God. You guys are incredible.

You really know what to say and how to make me feel a bit better about myself.

 

I've been having my friends talk to me on the phone and they are really helping me by putting my thoughts in perspective

 

Luckily I can work from home the rest of the week so that's a relief.

 

I remember him saying to me that maybe in 6 months we can be in contact again and 'who knows'.

But that just angers me because it's a horrible thing to say. It gives me false hope and I don't want false hope.

[BC1980]

I wouldn't take anyone seriously that says "who knows." That must be some standard response from the dumper's handbook. I don't think people say it maliciously, but it's just human nature to keep your options open. Talking to your friends can help a lot. I talked a lot of things through with some of my friends who had been there.

[nolanola]

Agree with @BC1980 and would also add that he is kind of hedging his bets. He wants to be with this other woman right now, but if things don't work out, then he'd like to know you're still there and pining for him.

 

This is where you can take your power back. Go NC and let him wonder where you went. Maybe things will be great with this new person or maybe not, but you won't be there waiting for him. This helped me a ton when I found out my ex was dating someone else. Every time I would get sad and wanted to contact him, I just pictured him wondering what happened to me. He and I had never gone very long without being in contact with each other, so this was something really different and I knew he would notice when Christmas and NYE went by with no contact from me. Whether it affects him at all, I don't know, but it helped me to feel better and to keep from reaching out to him.

 

Especially since the last time you guys had contact was you declaring your love for him, he will be thinking you're sitting there crying over him. Which, you might be, but he doesn't know that. Imagine when he comes back in 6 months and you're like "who?". Makes a good mental image.

[Limiya]

I finally got some sleep. About 4 hours but better than none.

I think talking on the phone with my friends helped a bit.

I woke up and felt blissfully unaware until it hit me, and my heart stopped.

 

So here I am at 5:30am trying to keep calm and stuck in the house all day.

 

Re-reading all your messages. I don't have my car at the moment so it's keeping me bound to the house.

That's probably a blessing.

[Limiya]

So far i'm doing ok. I stayed in bed way too long, but I needed it. I couldn't face getting up.

 

 

I have been watching videos on how to get over a breakup as suggested on this thread. It really did help. Unfortunately I then watched similar videos on how to get your ex back, and they were very similar in advice. So now it confused me, because I really don't to give myself false hope.

 

 

He hasn't contacted me, and I don't expect him to. After that last message, I don't think I can cope hearing more of that coldness.

 

 

I have to go to the hospital today for scans. He came with me last time and was wonderful. He took me and stayed with me at home for a few hours while I recovered.

Now i'm going there alone, and it will hurt knowing he's not with me.

 

 

I'm sure he doesn't remember that I have the appts today, and i'm sure he doesn't remember it's my birthday next week.

He won't notice because I removed him from FB so he won't get a reminder.

 

 

I don't know why i'm writing this, but I had to write it somewhere.

[d0nnivain]

Is there anybody else who can go to the scans with you? I'm sorry you have to go through that alone.

 

If you are feeling up to it & the weather is cooperating try taking a walk around the block later to clear you head & have some movement in your day

[nolanola]

I totally, totally get where you are coming from about feeling sad about him not being there for everything. Can any of your friends or family come with you?

 

The thing about NC is that a lot of sources cite this as a way to "get your ex back" and it's probably the best option you have if someone has broken up with you - you really don't have any other choice than to go forward and save your dignity. BUT, what usually happens before you get your ex back is that you get over them. I know it seems impossible now, but it will happen. "The Art of Love" is a good podcast about NC. She focuses a little more on "getting your ex back" but she is really good at motivating you to stay NC. I also love this video online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnFNqP66U6E. I listened to it pretty much every day for the first month and it helped me a lot. She's really motivating and talks about the relationship as if it's over, which it is.

 

Hugs and hang in there. Post as often as you need to.

[Limiya]

Thanks both.

I went for the scans alone. Luckily the hospital was quite close by so I walked the half an hour journey there.

I played some upbeat music on my way and tried to concentrate on the lyrics.

I didn't have to wait long which was good.

I then walked home and did a bit of work to distract me.

 

Then a friend came to visit and collect a piece of furniture so that helped too.

 

They just left now and I'm going to do a bit more admin work to distract myself.

I'm still hurting and I know I'll break down again soon, but I really am trying my best.

 

I'm not expecting him to contact me and I'm really trying my hardest to accept it's over and that I have no hope of reconciliation.

I am more scared of giving myself false hope. I can't stand going through this pain again.

 

Limiya

[SpiceCat]

I'm glad your friend came over. I hope everything is ok! Just sending out some happy thoughts and hugs.

[Limiya]

Thanks guys.

 

Well, he text me.

I was trying to distract myself on my laptop and a message came through.

Was about 10:30pm

 

During one of my rambling messages I sent the other night, I mentioned that some audios he gave me don't work but not to worry I will find some somewhere else.

 

So this message says the following:

'Hi sweetie, if you still want to hear all the audios you can bring a pen drive on Saturday after badminton and I will copy them to you.'

 

Wtf?

I am completely confused as to why I have this message now. It probably means nothing and is just being polite, but after knowing how upset I was and asking me to accept it's over, why invite me to his house?

 

I haven't responded. I've hidden the message away until I can not react too much on emotion and think this through.

 

I can't go anyway cause I have no car at the moment but still..

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

It is him just being polite. He knows you are hurting & he's trying to not add to your pain.

 

Are the audios really that important? I suspect if you go other there on Saturday you will get hurt all over again.

[Limiya]

The audios are not that important. I told him in the previous messages that I can find them somewhere else.

I just don't see the reason he would single that piece of information out and focus on that to text me and invite me to his house.

 

I mean what does he expect to say to me while I'm there?

He's made it clear to me it's over and to respect it.

He knows how upset I am and texting me and inviting me over actually makes it feel worse and confuses me.

He's not manipulative and he probably hasn't put any hidden meaning behind it.

But I'm just struggling to understand it as I was not expecting any more messages after the last one he sent.

 

I can't go to his house anyway as I have no car. So I guess it's a blessing. That temptation is taken from me.

 

However I am trying to figure out if I should respond at all.

I haven't said anything yet. I've ignored it as much as possible.

 

Maybe I should just say 'I have no car. Don't worry about it. Thanks'

 

Short but to the point? But that might be opening it up to dialogue. Argh

[nolanola]

OP, my suspicion is that he is trying to be seen as the "good guy" in this situation. No man, especially one that cares about you (and I'm sure he does) wants to be responsible for causing pain and being the "bad guy". This actually happens a lot. They want you to see them in a good light, particularly since your last interaction was so negative (meaning he probably felt really bad about how upset you were). This is why he probably also said that thing about seeing where things are in 6 months - in addition to not wanting to close the door. I don't think he's a terrible person for this, but it's harmful to you and keeps you from getting into the headspace to move on.

 

It's up to you if you want to respond or not. I definitely think you should not go to get the audio. That will set you up for a painful interaction and I don't think you're ready to see him yet. It's certainly within reason to not respond at all, but I suspect you don't want to do that. I think the response you listed above is a good one, straight to the point. After that, if he contacts you (and I suspect he will at some point) you may need to throw down the hammer and tell him you need space (meaning NC).

 

Breakups are messy. It's hard for people to completely cut the cord and I suspect he is having a hard time with this idea. BUT what you need should come first for you. If you need to separate yourself to avoid being further hurt, then do what you need to do.

 

ETA: I don't think you should say the thing about having no car. He might try to come to you. Just say that you found them and are fine or something like that. You can thank him for the offer.

[SpiceCat]

However I am trying to figure out if I should respond at all.

I haven't said anything yet. I've ignored it as much as possible.

 

Maybe I should just say 'I have no car. Don't worry about it. Thanks'

 

Short but to the point? But that might be opening it up to dialogue. Argh

 

I would not respond at all honestly. There's no reason for him to be contacting you or calling you sweetie. That text was cruel to be honest.

 

I would say delete it and keep taking care of yourself.

Edited June 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Limiya]

We ended up speaking on the phone Friday night. I had messaged him to please not text me anymore as it was too painful and I can't see him.

 

He then immediately called. I had deleted him from my phone so I didn't recognize the number.

When I answered he said 'it's me. Did you delete my number?'

I confirmed I had. He sounded surprised. I briefly explained why. He sounded really shocked at how upset i am about all this.

 

He said he wanted to give me the audios and talk to me about it to my face like I originally said. I told him I can't and why.

 

He insisted to me he doesn't have a 'girlfriend' and that I assumed it. I didn't want to hear him talk about anyone else so I avoided that topic.

 

We ended up going through his reasons again.

I of course tried my best to listen but also tried to convince him to give it one more shot.

I agreed it was a good idea not to go see him because I would try to talk him round.

 

He explained that when he makes a decision, he sticks to it.

We chit chatted a bit like old times. About work, goals etc.

I heard him waver in his resolve once or twice but ultimately he's done.

 

He wants to stay friends and that he will always help me with anything. Told me maybe in the future we are meant to be together etc and it will happen blah blah.

 

I don't think I can do that. It's too painful. I care about him and would love to help him as a friend but it's way too painful for me.

 

We told each other 'I love yous' and ended the call.

 

I felt more at ease. Like he listened to me more. But I am now back to missing him all over again.

He's so lovely but I half wish he wasn't so I could move on easier.

I'm back to NC and this time I think he will think twice about texting me in the future.

[Limiya]

Day one of back to NO CONTACT.

 

 

I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time.

 

 

((cries))

[CantTakeMySmile]

Do you think it may be a good time to block his phone number so no more surprises?

[Lorenza]

Day one of back to NO CONTACT.

 

 

I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time, I can do it this time.

 

 

((cries))

 

Hang in there! It's a day of NC for me too. And the guy who dumped me wrote me this morning wishing me a good day. I'm too weak to block his number yet, but I'm not responding.... Just telling you so that you know we're all in this crap together

[Limiya]

Do you think it may be a good time to block his phone number so no more surprises?

 

Yes I do. But gathering the courage to do so is another matter. I just keep hesitating

[BC1980]

Yes I do. But gathering the courage to do so is another matter. I just keep hesitating

 

It's one thing to know what to do and another to do it. Doing it is the only part that really matters. Until you block him, you will be stuck in an endless cycle that will drive you crazy.

[Limiya]

Absolutely. I am already in that cycle.

 

I had a dance class to teach tonight, so I got ready, did my hair, put on my make up, then promptly sobbed my heart out before starting all over again. Lol

 

Luckily once I got there and put on my professional head, I had a great time. Was very much in teacher mode so that was a blessing.

 

The problem came when i was driving home. I normally usually call him on my way home but i can't anymore.

Then i was fighting the urge to drive past his house to check if he was home or not.

Luckily i didn't. So far i didn't call or drive past.

That's a win for today.